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"You know I like you too, but... let's not have a relationship. I don't want it."
That was the exact reply Ohno gave when Nino first confessed to him some years ago. Admittedly, it was just an abrupt answer, he had never imagined Nino would actually address his feelings and confessed to him. He had thought that he was as satisfied as Ohno was with the way things were between them. Though as much as it was a spur of the moment one, it was an honest and a firmly held thought of his, that was why he stuck with it.
He knew he had broken Nino's heart that time, even though the only reaction the younger one presented him with was merely an understanding smile. He must've had, because after that, Nino lost his self-assurance and had acted so doubtful and hesitant when it came to getting close to him. He obviously did hold back a lot—seemingly afraid that Ohno would completely withdraw and eventually stay away from him with just one touch.
It was, however, simply temporary. Nino had showed his persistence and devotion by not giving up just because of one rejection. He would declare his love once in a while and would follow it up by asking Ohno out. He had done it so many times that Ohno had already lost count of it. (He might not know the number of times, but he kept the feelings that those memories had given him.)
He didn't want a relationship because he didn't like the complications of being in a commitment. To Ohno, being in a relationship wasn't only rainbows and sunshine. Being in a relationship was like being tied to something that was established by intricate obligations and confusing responsibilities. There were rules that you had to consider and duties that you had to fulfill. He didn't want that. He preferred to be free—unchained and liberated from all those complications.
The thing was, Ohno actually truthfully liked Nino back. When ever the two of them were together, Ohno was always radiant and carefree, always happy and pleased, always calm and peaceful. He had found delight just by being in the presence of the other as well as contentment in knowing that Nino would always be there to shower him with praises, care, and affections. And most importantly, Nino would, without a fail, make his heart beat faster every time he said he loved him.
Nino was also very respectful of Ohno. There were times when those casual flirting and innocent touches would turn into something more intimate and sensual and Nino would express his obvious eagerness of wanting to advance, but one look of either uncertainty or disapproval from Ohno and he would immediately pull out his skillful hand from the inside of Ohno's shirt or the inner side of his legs. He would always accept Ohno's reasoning and honor his resolution.
Of course, it was not to say that Ohno felt nothing with those approaches.
He liked Nino too, so it was only natural for him to react with Nino's indecent touches and passionate eyefuls. He had been tempted to just forget and let pass, yield and surrender, give in and be taken. There were many times that he had wanted to simply go with the flow and face the consequences later. And yet, he didn't because he was stern with his rules and harsh with himself. He believed that submitting right then would also equal to entering a stage where they couldn't turn back anymore and the only way out was to start a relationship or ruin their friendship.
He felt sorry for Nino, always had been, for causing him dissatisfaction, pain and torture, for providing him hope and then taking it back instantaneously, and for constantly and repeatedly breaking his heart, but Ohno absolutely couldn't cast aside his conviction.
At all those times, Nino had given him ceaseless assurance that everything was okay and that Ohno's rejection was very well understood, so Ohno shouldn't worry about anything and just stick to his decision if that was what made him happy.
Nino being able to understand him, however, didn't make Nino feel contented at all.
Unlike Ohno, Nino wanted a relationship. He longed to be tied up with someone and yearned to have a commitment in which he believed that those complications and those responsibilities were also just part of the fun. He had desired to be bound with Ohno and experienced those number of things with him, but Ohno only had rejection to offer him. So what Nino couldn't have with Ohno (or what Ohno didn't allow Nino to have), he tried to seek it with somebody else.
And when Nino got married to someone who wasn't Ohno, Ohno felt like he was thrown into confusion—he was perturbed, distressed and so very agitated. His self-sufficient and impenetrable 'my world' was suddenly in a tremor and he couldn't calm it down.
"I feel like you're being distant to me," Nino said out of nowhere, regretfully disturbing the quietness that had permeated in the green room.
Ohno felt an arm draping around his shoulder while he allowed himself to be pulled into a laid-back snuggle. He had his eyes closed and his head was resting on Nino's collar while his body was slanting just the tiny fraction to accommodate the position and take comfort in it. Nino was cozy and pleasant to relax into, Ohno could feel every bit of the warmth that he was emitting, as well as the steady rise and fall of his chest. He could also sense the overly heavy gaze that was very intent on watching him.
Being this close to Nino made Ohno become conscious of the mystifying sensations that he was currently experiencing. It was as if there was a dull pain within him that he couldn't pinpoint where exactly, but he also felt like there was none and actually, he was empty inside, or perhaps it was just thousands of needles continually prickling his heart, but it was also possible that his heart was cracked, broken and shattered into pieces and only the small fragments of it were remaining on his chest.
He felt so dispirited and grim and nothing could ever get him out of it. He could fix his dampen mood and feed himself some energy, but it wasn't a permanent cure. At the end of the day, when he was just alone with his thoughts, everything would be dim again and he would be miserable again. He had known from those years ago that it could come out into this, that his decision could eventually lead up to this and that him being so cruel to Nino could and would retaliate on him. He was well aware that it would happen, he just wasn't prepared that it would be to this extent.
He broke Nino's heart so many times before, Nino was just getting started on returning the favor.
"Is this because of my marriage?"
Nino's voice was soft and gentle and its tone was coated with sorrow. Because of it, Ohno opened his eyes in alarm. He didn't stir, though, his arms were still crossed against his chest and his head was still settled on Nino's torso.
"It's just your imagination," he whispered, causing Nino to attempt a peek on his face. He didn't succeed because Ohno tilted his head to hide it away from him. "I'm still the same as before."
It wasn't a lie. In a way, his emotions didn't change, his feelings for Nino was still the same and his opinion on relationship was still unvarying. It was just that something had been added to the mix, and that was the feeling of having a broken heart.
"Does that mean your feelings for me are still the same?" Nino asked.
For a moment, Ohno was startled. He was surprised to hear those words from Nino himself. Then again, he realized as the gears on his head began to calibrate, Nino could easily read him like an open book. This person had the ability to know everything that was going through Ohno's mind and to discern any issue that he had been pondering about. It wasn't improbable that he could tell without any difficulty that Ohno was still harboring the same sentiments he had for Nino before. His initial reaction, which was to state a lie, was dismissed in a second when all of these facts came crashing down to him.
Ohno opened his mouth to speak, hesitated on what to say, and ultimately closed it to chew on his bottom lip instead. Everyone knew that he was blunt with his words, always honest with himself, and never had any qualms in voicing out his dislikes or displeasure, but even he had times in which he would debate whether to say his thoughts or to simply shut them out.
Nevertheless, he chose a path that would likely to stir things between them yet it would also answer a lot of unasked questions.
"So it seems."
Ohno wasn't awarded with an apparent reaction. Nino's breathing was still unobtrusive and his fingers were still buried in Ohno's hair as they moderately combed the strands of it. He just let the silence stretch and fill the room again.
Ohno closed his eyes again. He decided to savor the moment and submerged himself into this tranquility. He could no longer go into a state of blankness and nothingness, it just suddenly became impossible the moment his heart broke, so as much as attainable, he would like to have his peace of mind.
Maybe he did get a bit distant, but it was only an act of reflex. He never truly avoided him on purpose or tried to get away and raise objections against his excessive skinship. He knew that being close to him or not wouldn't make any difference at all, he would still be hurting inside.
"Leader?" Nino spoke again. He was careful not to become a disturbance this time, his voice was too small that Ohno only caught it because of the vibration it made. It was as if he was unsure if he wanted to be heard. "Do you regret that you rejected me all those times?"
The question resulted Ohno to heave out a sigh yet it didn't surprised him at all. He had sensed that it would eventually surface so he was prepared for it. He had contemplated on it again and again until he came up with a conclusion that was both rational and gratifying, though he couldn't tell if it was convincing enough.
"I don't," he replied, moved to detach himself from Nino and was stopped midway by getting pulled again. He just let it be and continued, "even if I know that this is how it will end, I would still say those exact same words I said to you before."
"I see." In that while, somehow, Nino displayed his great relief. It seemed to Ohno like he met his goal and found his own peace. Perhaps he was worried all along that he made the wrong decision.
"I can't say that I'm happy for you, but I sincerely hope you're happy," he said. "This will be the last time we're going to talk about this, you have to forget about it and I'll make sure that it won't affect you at all. Don't mind me and just focus on your new life. I'll be right here to support you."
This time, Nino's breath hitched very lightly and his hand halted its movement, but he didn't say anything at first. What he did was to bring Ohno's head close to his lips and give his temple a gentle kiss full of appreciation and gratitude. They remained like that for a short moment while simply treasuring the closeness that they have. And then, at last, Nino spoke with finality, "thank you, leader."
Ohno accepted it wholeheartedly. Those were the only sentiments that he would ever receive from Nino, no more words of confessions and pleas to commit. He was sad with the thought that someone else was making Nino happy and contented now, he was depressed that Nino would be looking forward to going home because someone else was waiting for him, and he was mournful with the fact that Nino had someone that wasn't Ohno occupying his heart and mind and that this was his forever and after.
Ohno didn't regret anything and he was acknowledging the fact that he brought this upon himself. He wasn't confident that he would get over it with time, but if acceptance was the only way to stop himself from hurting, then he would do his best to obtain it.
He just wished that he could still glue and put back these little fragmented pieces he once called his heart.
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-krizza-