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The first time Jimin’s father asked him that question, he was sixteen.
It was a rainy night and he’d picked Jimin up from dance practice. Jimin couldn’t have said why it was that precise moment that he decided to say something. Maybe it was just that was the moment things finally boiled over. Maybe it was because the rain made the inside of the car feel like a warm bubble, cut off from the world. Maybe his father had said something, smiled in some way. Jimin honestly doesn’t remember.
What Jimin does remember is a silence while they waited at a stoplight. And then his voice filled up the car.
“I like boys.”
His father had looked at him before the light changed and his eyes were nothing but soft.
“Thank you for telling me. I’m glad you felt like you could.”
And then his father had taken him to get ice cream, even though it was raining, even though it wasn’t warm.
They both had strawberry. They’d always had the same taste in ice cream.
They'd talked a little while Jimin felt adrenaline and relief seep out of his body.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what?” Jimin looked up from his dish confused by this turn.
“That this may make some things harder for you. I hope they won’t. But if they do, please remember that your mother and I love you no matter what and you can tell me anything, okay? Anything.”
Even at sixteen he knew everything his father was trying to put into those few sentences, even if he didn’t know how to put everything he wanted to say back into words.
Instead he’d just nodded, feeling the sticky sweet cream clinging to the inside of his throat.
“So,” his father had said. He’d leaned back and crossed his arms and the mood had suddenly shifted into something lighter.
And more embarrassing.
“Is there a boy?” He'd asked with a half-smile. Is there a boy?
Jimin’s cheeks had gone pink and he’d shaken his head.
Over the years, Jimin fielded that question many, many times. Sometimes the answer was yes. Most of the time the answer was no.
Once a boy broke his heart long-distance and Jimin called his dad from a hotel room in South America and he had listened patiently while Jimin cried.
We love you. I love you. This just wasn’t the one.
For some reason it made Jimin feel better to hear it from him. It sounded wiser.
Eventually the question began to grate on Jimin. He knew his dad didn’t mean anything by it. It was half a tease, half a hope that Jimin would get this one more thing.
It was sweet and a little overbearing. It was a dad thing.
But the problem started when there wasn’t a boy but Jimin wanted there to be. Not just any boy, a particular boy, a boy that Jimin was afraid he could pine for for years.
Eventually he broke down a little.
Jimin started falling for Namjoon in the middle of one of their late night talks. Jimin liked those conversations. Things always felt safer in the middle of the night. A warm bubble, like the day Jimin had sat in the car with the rain pouring outside.
Namjoon admitted that he’d kissed a guy. That he was pretty sure he liked guys, too. Not just theoretically. For sure. Practically.
And suddenly something shifted in Jimin’s head. His friend had slid from the “sweet and open but straight” side of the line to something closer to Jimin’s side of the line. And despite knowing that Namjoon was telling him this because he trusted him, despite knowing that Namjoon was telling him this because they were close and these were the kinds of things you tell your close friends when it’s well after midnight. Despite knowing all that, Namjoon had slipped from one place to another and something else started to shake loose in Jimin.
Jimin already loved him. He already loved Namjoon’s kindness and his mind and sense of humor and the bond that came from already overcoming so much together.
But now Jimin couldn’t help but notice the details. Had he always liked Namjoon’s hands that much? Had his dimples and his smile always been so endearing? Had that that bright look in his eyes always been so devastating?
Then one day Namjoon had grabbed Jimin’s hand for one reason or another and Jimin had felt his heartbeat just a little too fast.
And Jimin had to admit. It had really happened. He’d fallen for one of his closest friends.
He was well and truly fucked.
Because he was sure Jimin was still just Jimin to Namjoon.
Jimin had always been not just affectionate but physically affectionate. It was just in his make up. He cared about people and he liked to show it.
He was also pretty aware of the line between cuddly and flirtation. So he decided to tip his toe over the line and test the water on Namjoon’s side. After all, he wouldn’t really know unless he tried. Right?
“Your hair smells nice,” he commented one night during a movie. He was sitting behind Namjoon with his arms looped over his shoulders, lightly nuzzling the back of his head.
“Oh, yeah. The shampoo at this hotel is amazing, isn’t it?” Namjoon replied.
During an interview Namjoon seemed a little nervous, so Jimin rested a hand on his thigh to keep his leg from bouncing. When the camera cut away Jimin didn’t move it like he usually would. Instead let his hand drift further up, nearer to the inside of Namjoon’s thigh and curled his fingers while pretending his attention was focused on someone else.
“Thanks,” Namjoon said, putting a friendly hand on Jimin’s shoulder. “I don’t know why I had nerves.”
“Let me help you stretch,” Jimin offered during dance rehearsal. He draped himself over Namjoon’s back and ran his arms down Namjoon’s putting a little weight on him as he leaned forward. He was sure Namjoon had to know what he was really doing, their bodies flush together and Jimin breathing in his ear.
“Ah!” Namjoon yelped. “Not quite that far,” he laughed as Jimin let up. “Some of us aren’t made of rubber.”
Eventually, Jimin got so tired of not getting any kind of response he tipped right over into shamelessness.
“Come on, hyung,” Jimin said. “Let’s go sit in the hotel hot tub. It’ll feel so good after that long flight.”
“I…” Namjoon stuttered unenthused. Jimin wasn’t giving up, though. If he could be shameless he could also be a little pushy, so they ended up in the hot tub, anyway.
Jimin stretched as he got into the hot water, trying to put on as much of a display as was reasonable. Once he was in the tub, he briefly dunked under the water and then came up again, just so he could run his fingers through his wet hair. Finally, he slid next to Namjoon so they were only an inch apart despite being the only ones there and murmured, “See? Doesn’t that feel nice?”
“I dunno,” Namjoon responded. “I think I’m about ready to fall asleep.”
That was when it hit Jimin that Namjoon had just been trying to let him down gently.
But there was still a sweet agony that came with adoring someone, even if they didn’t feel the same way. It was hard not to feel light at every touch. And harder not to treasure every moment alone together.
“Do you want to go another bike ride tonight?”
“I’ll go with you to the gallery tomorrow, if you want some company.”
“Let’s go for a walk on the beach. I really miss the ocean. I promise we can find you some crabs,” he said with a mischievous smile.
“You guys have been spending a lot of time together lately,” Jungkook remarked.
“Really?” Jimin shrugged. “I hadn’t noticed.”
But it didn’t matter. No matter how much Jimin flirted, no matter how much his pulse picked up when they touched, no matter how warm his heart became when he had Namjoon alone and when they talked for hours. Jimin had been Namjoon’s friend first and Namjoon would never see him as anything else.
The thing was, no matter how long Jimin nursed his feelings it didn’t change the fact that Namjoon didn’t want him that way.
Which meant that it was time for Jimin to be an adult and try to set his feelings aside. Accept what was and let time do its best with the wound.
He was grateful they were in the middle of recording. It meant they weren’t always stuffed together in practice rooms or hotels or in front of cameras. They still saw each other almost every day but at least it was less intense.
There was a different ache in Jimin’s chest knowing that he was letting this go. No more feeling giddy about small get-aways. No more selfishly enjoying the feeling of his arms wrapped around Namjoon’s waist.
There had been a slim chance that his friend would turn around and see him in a different light after so long, anyway. That was okay.
It was time to get back to being friends.
At least it was until Namjoon grabbed him coming out of the recording studio one day.
“Hey, can we talk?
Namjoon sounded upset and Jimin’s heart flew to his throat. He felt like he was in trouble, although he wasn’t sure what he’d done. Still, Jimin managed a casual “sure” and let Namjoon guide him into his studio.
Jimin felt itchy standing in the middle of Rkive. This was Namjoon’s space, filled with Namjoon’s things. Whatever conversation was about to happen, Namjoon had the upper hand on everything.
“Are you mad at me?”
The question came out a little short and demanding and Jimin felt instinctively defensive. He wasn’t going to get mad at Namjoon for not liking him but he didn’t like the way he was being confronted about it.
“No. Why?”
“You’ve been acting weird around me lately.”
This was just mean. It was one thing to be gently rejected. It was another thing to think Jimin wasn’t allowed to have some feelings about it. That he wouldn’t need a little space to lick his wounds and get over things.
“I just need a little time, okay?” Jimin replied trying to keep his voice even.
“Time for what?” Namjoon demanded again.
This was unreal. Jimin snapped.
“Look, I’m just human, okay? I get that you don’t like me and that’s fine. I get that it’s probably weird having one of your friends suddenly get feelings for you. And I’m really sorry if that made you uncomfortable but for god’s sake, just give me a fucking minute to get over it, okay? I’m just a fucking person, Namjoon! It’s not like flipping a switch!”
Namjoon looked stricken and his eyes went wide.
He probably hadn’t expected Jimin to yell. Jimin rarely yelled, so everyone tended to be a little thrown when he did. He knew his anger was a little more frightening because of its scarcity.
Jimin rubbed his eyes in frustration and tried to calm down. Jimin just wanted to cry. He just wanted this conversation to end. It was humiliating.
“Could you repeat that?” Namjoon’s voice came out quiet and a little unsure.
“Namjoon, just stop.” Jimin said more evenly. “Just give me some time, okay? Please?”
“No. I mean…” Namjoon gently wrapped a hand around Jimin’s wrist and tugged his hand away so that he could look Jimin in the eyes. “The part about liking me.”
“What?” Jimin looked at him, lost all over again.
“I thought you were mad at me. I mean, you stopped hanging out with me and you hug everyone but me… I thought I’d really fucked something up.”
Jimin shook his head.
“You’ve been pretty sweet about it until now. Thank you.”
“No, I just…” Namjoon’s hand drifted down Jimin’s arm so that he was holding Jimin’s hand. “I’ve had this crazy crush on you for fucking ever.”
“What...?" Jimin said for the thousandth time that day. His legs felt like they were threatening to fade away. “Can we sit down?”
“Yeah, that’s probably a good idea.”
Namjoon led him the couple of steps to the small couch and they sat facing each other.
“If you liked me back…” Jimin looked down to where he was holding Namjoon’s hand again and nervously fiddled with his fingers. “Why did you reject me all those times?”
“All what times?”
He couldn’t be serious.
“All those times I tried to flirt with you? All those times I got a little extra handsy? All those times I ditched everything to spend time with you?”
“You’re touchy with everyone.” Namjoon said defensively.
“Namjoon. I literally got you half naked and cornered you in a hot tub. That’s not touchy.” Jimin said flatly.
“I didn’t want to read too much into things. Like, you’re great and you’re awesome and you’re you and you flirt and everyone has a crush on you.”
“Everyone does not have a crush on me.”
Namjoon opened his mouth for a second and then apparently decided to slide past that.
“And I really didn’t want to wreck our friendship. You’re too important to me for that.” Namjoon said quietly, taking his turn to look down at their hands instead of at Jimin.
Out of everything, this was the thing that knocked the air out of his chest.
“You’re really important to me, too.” Jimin responded just as seriously and quietly. He took a deep breath. His dad’s advice rang in his head. Apparently they were both kind of dense. Maybe the only way to do this was to be direct.
He squeezed Namjoon’s hands so that Namjoon would look up at him.
“Do you want to try being important friends that also kiss each other sometimes?”
Namjoon’s dimples popped out as he smiled. One of those genuine but almost shy smiles where he squinted a little with one eye.
“Yeah, I think I’d really want to try that.”
Jimin laughed lightly. Namjoon laughed a little, too.
Jimin leaned forward a bit and their lips brushed together, a tentative first kiss.
But Jimin had wanted this for too long now, it was sweet and Namjoon’s lips were soft but he wanted more. He reached over and threaded his hands into Namjoon’s hair, pulling him closer. Namjoon’s mouth eagerly opened for Jimin and he tasted so good, felt so good.
And after all this time, Jimin could feel things were about to get really, really good.
