Archive of Our Own ^beta

It’s hard. Sitting in the middle of Taehyung and his things, deciding what he will take with him and what not is hard. He’s been putting off doing this for weeks, afraid of everything he has tried to suppress coming back up again. Afraid of leaving things behind. Afraid of leaving him behind. 

But Jungkook’s move is in three days and if he doesn’t start now, he will never be able to finish in time. 

He’s still not sure if he’s doing the right thing. If he will be okay. 

Everyone has told him it’s okay to move on and leave. To get a change in scenery, to pursue his dreams and start living his life again instead of just letting it pass. His brother Seokjin had told him so, so did his best friend Yoongi. Hell, even Taehyung’s parents had told him to take this job and go. 

It is an emotional night. On Taehyung’s birthday, they are sitting on the soft carpet around the coffee table of Mina and Wooseok's living room and they talk and treasure all the memories they made together. Jungkook feels better around them, in their small, but cozy rooftop apartment. It's homey in the best imaginable way. He doesn’t want to think about spending such an important day alone in his own apartment. At some point in the conversation, with the acquired courage of a bottle of soju, Jungkook tells them about this photography director in Seoul and how much he has always admired his work. Yoo Kihyun, who has just been announced to be the director of photography for the most anticipated upcoming drama series. He tells them about how said director had found one of his short movies on the internet, and after seeing the raw talent, he reached out to him and offered him an internship. An opportunity Jungkook doesn't seem to be able to get out of his head. It’s a once in a lifetime chance, he’s aware of that.

That’s exactly what Taehyung’s parents tell him, too. They hold his shaking body when he allows himself to genuinely consider it, wipe the tears off his face when he stops crying and kiss his forehead as if he's their son. He kind of is, to them. Warmth spreads deep in his stomach at the thought of being a part of this family still. He has always loved Taehyung's parents. From the first time, when he had been introduced as Taehyung's boyfriend, they had welcomed him with open arms, treated him as their son. They gave him a home when his own hadn't been feeling like it for a long time - until he was able to build one with Taehyung on his own. He loves them a lot. 

Later that night, when he’s back home in his too big bed, wrapped in too cold blankets, he feels bad for letting himself cry so hard in the arms of parents who lost their son. He's dwelling on being comforted by them when they are going through the same pain. But it had felt warm and safe and if he closed his eyes and let his mind fall just in the slightest, he might just be able to imagine Taehyung being there holding him, too. Could possibly imagine the subtle earthy scent and soft words whispered with a low and slightly husky voice that never failed to give him shivers. 

It isn’t hard. Going through his things and deciding what parts of Taehyung he will take with him and what he will leave behind isn’t hard. 

It’s soul breaking. 

It takes a few hours, but later that night, he finished packing everything from the kitchen and living room. Only the bare necessities are left in the otherwise empty shelves. The rooms feel lifeless and cold like that. Jungkook doesn't like it, feels uncomfortable and lonely. The rooms are bigger than he remembered, now that they're not filled with memories and life anymore, now that they don't look like someone's living here. 

Now, he only has the bedroom left and it’s what he fears the most.

It had taken him long to put away Taehyung’s things, since at first, he couldn’t believe that Taehyung would never come back. His whole life was built around the denial until he was sure that at any time the front door might open and his boyfriend would come in, as if he had never left, and life would continue for them. 

But it never happened. 

When after months, Yoongi stands on his doorstep, telling him that he can't go on like that, that like this he will never get over this terrible loss, Jungkook’s first instinct is to kick him out of the apartment. Yoongi doesn't let him, though. He talks him through his panic attack and in the end, Jungkook lets him help putting Taehyung’s belongings in boxes and get them out of sight. Not far, because he doesn’t have the heart to do so. He still needs them close. He just accepts that Yoongi might be right, that he shouldn't have them around him all the time anymore if he wants to get somewhere with this. 

They get drunk that night and cry while they’re holding one another.

Yoongi had hoped that it would help Jungkook move on.

Jungkook only misses Taehyung more. 

He feels a heavy weight on his chest as he goes through the boxes he had hidden back in his closet. They hold all those things that were so distinctively Taehyung. The air he inhales barely reaches his lungs as he tries to breathe through the lump in his throat. 

A few boxes only contain clothes as Taehyung had owned quite a lot. Jungkook’s throat closes up even more as he takes a sweater out and buries his face into it. He’s not sure if he only imagines it or if it really still smells a little like Taehyung. 

He goes through them all and takes some of his favorites, out to bring them with him. He has always loved wearing his partner's clothes. Now, even if it still gives him a sense of comfort, it has a bitter aftertaste. Out of the mess of fabrics, he pulls the oversized red hoodie Taehyung loved to wear whenever he wanted to feel cozy. Without hesitation, he gets rid of his shirt and puts the hoodie on, sighing at how soft it feels on his skin. What he doesn’t choose he packs back into the boxes and shoves them to his left, unable to look at them much longer. 

Other boxes hold the rest of Taehyung’s belongings. There’s his watch with the worn brown leather strap that he's always had on his wrist, but for some reason had forgotten the morning he left the apartment for the last time. 

Little figurines of Taehyung’s favorite superheroes. 

His camera, taunting Jungkook because he still hasn’t dared to look at the photographs saved on it. 

The watch and the camera he puts into the box with the clothes he will take to Seoul. 

The figurines he adds to the things to his left. 

He leaves the records and the turntable, leaves art utensils, but takes most of the paintings Taehyung's left at the apartment. His other works are already stored in his parents' apartment. 

The framed selfie they took on their first date goes into the box on his right immediately, without Jungkook looking at it for long. He doesn’t know how well he would take seeing Taehyung's vibrant smile, knowing it is no more. He can't leave that memory behind.

If he could, he would take everything with him. Just the thought of leaving a part of Taehyung behind for good, breaks his heart more - close to complete destruction. But his new apartment in Seoul is a lot smaller than the one he shared with Taehyung in Busan and he can’t bring everything he would like to. 

His heart stops then shatters when there’s only three boxes left to go through and in the one in front of him he comes upon a small satin case. Tears well up before he can even reach for it and as soon as it lies opened in the palm of his shaking hand, he breaks out in loud sobs, cradling the ring to his chest.

It’s a few months before their fifth anniversary, just mere weeks before Taehyung disappears, that Jungkook notices the hidden glance Taehyung steals from the display window of the little jewelry store a few streets from their apartment one time while they’re on their way to their favorite restaurant for a date. He doesn’t see what exactly caught Taehyung's attention and he doesn't think much of it and completely forgets about it again.  

It’s only after the police officers stepped into the living room of Taehyung’s parents, where Jungkook had been waiting with them for news. They’re left alone with meaningless apologies, the information that torn, bloody clothes had been found in the woods and the confirmation that it was Taehyung’s blood. Chances were low that he was still alive judging from the amount of blood he must have lost.

It’s only after the officers explain that they couldn't follow the blood trace - Jungkook gets nauseous at the image - because it got lost in a river. 

It’s only much later, when Yoongi and him are packing away his belongings that he finds the small, royal blue box hidden between Taehyung's ties.

It’s only after the police had discontinued their search and officially declared him dead, that Jungkook finds out Taehyung wanted to marry him. 

He can’t possibly go on after finding the ring. He can’t even breathe. His body slumps against the door of the closet behind him. 

There’s no way to tell how long he’s sitting there on the cold floor, crying and pressing the small velvet box to his chest like it's a lifeline he needs to hold on to. 

Jungkook feels empty and broken. He has ever since Taehyung left. 

It’s been almost two years without the love of his life. Almost two years since he has last felt like the air he takes in actually reaches his lungs. 

He has never felt whole again ever since Taehyung stepped out of his life. 

Yoongi picks him up three days later. He offered to drive Jungkook to Seoul as he might not be in the right state of mind to be driving by himself. Yoongi’s right. 

Also it's nice not having to be alone when he arrives, to have someone with him who gives him strength and comfort as he steps into this new chapter of his life.

It takes everything Jungkook has got in himself to not break down, to ignore the nauseating weight in his stomach and the tightness of his throat when he closes the door of their apartment behind him for the last time.

Seokjin holds him tight after they leave the building and Jungkook can’t voice how grateful he is that his brother is there with him. So he just pulls him close and buries his face in Seokjin’s shoulder. He’ll miss him a lot when he's away. They’ll see each other in a few months - as Seokjin had already announced his visit over Jungkook’s birthday - but still, Jungkook feels sad. The bond he and his brother have, had always been special to him. No matter what happened, what made him upset or happy, Seokjin had been there with him to share those moments. 

It costs him a lot of strength when they stop at Taehyung’s parents' place to drop off the boxes with Taehyung’s belongings that Jungkook can’t take with him.

Saying goodbye to them hurts. He has to promise to call them when he arrives and they have to give him their word to come visit him sometime.

Before he leaves, Wooseok pulls Jungkook aside with a fatherly squeeze of his hand on his shoulder. 

"You've always got a home here, Jungkook. Alright?" Wooseok says, voice deep and comforting. It has a gentle ring to it that makes Jungkook feel better in an instant. 

He nods as he looks up at Wooseok, who smiles at him and hugs him tightly. 

"We're just a call away, if you should ever need us."

Mina kisses his cheek and then Jungkook steps down the staircase, his heart clenching. 

Jungkook’s parents had come by the evening before to say their goodbyes. It was awkward, and honestly, Jungkook had not expected them to show up after their last encounters. 

After Taehyung's death they treated Jungkook like a raw egg and he didn't know what to do with that. He didn't want pity, especially not his parents’ when all they had ever done was judge his relationship and plans for his future life. He didn't want them to handle him with care after he’d lost Taehyung when they’d never cared about his partner in the first place. 

At some point, they stopped with the disgusting fake pity and started being themselves again. Jungkook didn't talk to them for months after their first conversation following that change. Stopped himself from thinking about what they said because it only got him furious whenever he did so. 

While he doesn’t leave that many people behind in Busan, those few are his whole world. 

The step he’s taking is scary. Down to the bone terrifying. 

He hopes it will be worth it. 

Scary isn't even enough to describe how frightening it feels to be alone in this huge city. 

Jungkook has only once been to Seoul, on a school trip when he was thirteen. 

He doesn't know anyone and he gets lost a lot more than he dares to tell Seokjin on the phone, knowing that his brother wouldn't let him live that down. 

That doesn't mean Yoongi doesn't laugh at him when he mentions it. His best friend called him after he’d finished his shift at work while Jungkook had been out on the streets, trying to find a supermarket to stock up on food. 

"This was one hell of a day, thank god I'm out of there now," is how Yoongi greets him as soon as he picks up the call. 

Jungkook, too busy trying to find this damn street, which would lead him directly to where he needs to be, only hums distractedly. Not that it keeps Yoongi from rambling on about his day and why it was such a hell. 

It takes a while, but at some point he stops and when Jungkook still fails to respond, he hums softly into the speaker. 

"You okay over there, Kook?" 

"What? Yeah, sure." 

"Where are you right now?" 

Jungkook lets out a humorless chuckle. "Hell if I know." 

Yoongi snorts before he replies, and there's a hint of worry in his voice. "What do you mean?" 

Sighing, Jungkook stops in his tracks. "I'm trying to find this supermarket that should be five minutes from my apartment, but I've been walking around for half an hour and I have no idea where the heck I am."

On the other side, there's brief silence. 

Then, laughter. 

Jungkook huffs annoyed while he waits for Yoongi to calm down and catch his breath. 

"Dumbass, can't leave you alone for a single day, huh?" Yoongi laughs, "Send me your location, I'll try to tell you where to go." 

It doesn’t work out that well at first. Jungkook gets even more confused with Yoongi’s directions and while Yoongi tries his best, Jungkook had gotten a bit too far from track. With him not knowing Seoul that well either and only having his navigation app to refer to, he asks Jungkook for stores and banks nearby to get some orientation about Jungkook’s whereabouts, and ultimately they make it work somehow. 

Fifteen minutes later Jungkook stands in front of the supermarket and warns Yoongi not to hang up before he’s guided him back home again. Which really only takes the estimated five minutes. Jungkook tries his best to remember the way for the next time. 

"My boss is really kind. I've already learned a lot this week. He's a bit eccentric, but I guess that's just the artist in him," Jungkook says with a chuckle. 

He tries not to let his discomfort show at being alone in this big city where he doesn't even know his own neighborhood. If Yoongi notices, he doesn't mention it. Jungkook is grateful. 

"I'm glad you took this opportunity, Kook," Yoongi rasps and they both know he's talking about more than just the internship. 

It's Sunday morning. No appointments, no classes, no hangouts planned with friends. Just laziness, blankets, maybe a movie. And him. Jungkook turns under the sheets and his eyes meet the mess Taehyung's hair is in the morning. He doesn’t want to wake him up, wants to bathe in the atmosphere of this time of the day just a little longer. 

It has something magical. The world around him is still asleep, or just slowly waking up. The first rays of sunshine coloring the bedroom in dreamy shades. Taehyung in his dreams, sighing softly, shifting only the slightest from time to time. Not a sound from outside. No cars on the streets, no people on the sidewalks, barely even the chirping of the awakening birds. 

He doesn't want to wake Taehyung but he can’t stop himself from carding his fingers through his silky locks, has to shift closer and press his chest to his boyfriend's back. Jungkook needs to flutter the gentlest kiss to Taehyung's shoulder. 

He's lucky. Taehyung doesn't wake up. And he himself manages to drift off once more too. 

Happiness. 

This is what it feels like. 

When Jungkook wakes up, it's dark around him and he feels a little disoriented. A glance at the alarm clock on his bedside table lets him know it's two in the morning. 

The sheets next to him are empty and cold, no sign of anyone having laid on them during the night. 

His chest closes up, constricts and aches as his dream comes back to his memory. 

Nothing special or exciting, yet one of the most beautiful dreams he's possibly ever had. 

A dream that reoccurs in that and other variations and Jungkook always wakes up in misery. Missing what he had. Missing what he lost. 

Loneliness and sadness haven't left him ever since he heard the police officer's pitiful apology. The words, apologies, too stable and professional, stabbing at his chest repeatedly like a dagger. 

They were sorry . 

Sorry that they couldn't find Taehyung. 

Sorry that they couldn't help him. 

Sorry they had to deliver the message that they’d found shreds of clothes soaked through with Taehyung's blood in the woods and the chances that he was still alive were very low. 

Sorry that the blood and the traces were too much, too bad, he couldn't be alive. 

Sorry for their loss. 

The body was never found, the memorial service sad and without the needed closure. 

There was no body to bury, no one to bid farewell to.

Jungkook had never been able to say goodbye properly. He had said goodnight and when he woke up, Taehyung had already left for work. Though, he never got there. 

There was no goodbye. 

There was goodnight and when he woke up he was alone. 

And now he’s once again awake, torn from the most peaceful dream, just to realize that the other side of the bed is empty.

Taehyung nowhere to be found.

Two months pass quickly and by now Jungkook finds his way to the supermarket without getting lost. He’s got to know some of his neighbors, most of them elderly people, kind and always open to lend a jar of sugar. It’s funny how fast Jungkook gets used to all this, yet at the same time he feels misplaced and lonely.

Yoongi calls him every few days to check in, and even though Jungkook knows his best friend hates talking on the phone, he doesn’t say anything because he’s so grateful. 

His brother’s visit is coming closer and Jungkook is excited. He can’t wait to see someone he knows, someone who’s close to his heart and not just another stranger in a city that’s too big for him. 

The apartment finally looks like a place someone maybe could call home. 

Not Jungkook, though. 

There’s always been a single place he ever called home, apart from his parents’ house back when he was a child and everything was still okay between him and his parents.

A single person that has been his home.

Even putting up decorations doesn't change that. No amount of fairy lights and plants and candles can turn his apartment into a home. 

Until one day he takes the time to look at the few boxes he's hesitated to unpack ever since he got here. 

The watch finds its place on Jungkook's wrist. It feels good, having a part of Taehyung with him, wherever he goes. The worn leather is soft on his skin, comfortable. 

Taehyung's paintings are hung up in the living room, filling it with life and color, banishing the boring white of the walls. 

His bedside table looks much friendlier adorned with the framed photograph of Taehyung and him. When he wakes up now, the bed is still empty and so, so cold. But when he turns to get out of it, he sees the picture and next to the light pang in his chest, there’s also a certain contentment in waking up to Taehyung’s face at least in this way.

Jungkook's camera now hangs next to Taehyung's on the bedroom wall next to his closet. One day, Jungkook swears to himself, he will be brave enough to connect it to his computer and look at the photographs that are saved on it.

He hides the ring in the drawer of his bedside table, underneath some cozy socks, because he needs it close but can't handle seeing it every day. 

It's still not home, not exactly. But it's something close to it now. 

The internship goes well. He’s truly glad he’s taken this opportunity because he most likely never would have learned that much in Busan. Even though there were good and aspiring directors too, they weren’t quite in the same range as his mentor. They hadn’t worked with idols and famous actors, hadn’t been written about in prestige magazines or taken part in major festivals. 

Yoo Kihyun turns out not only to be one of the most talented photography directors Jungkook could have gotten an internship with, he’s also really kind and sweet and slowly he’s becoming something close to a friend to Jungkook. 

He also gets the opportunity to check out the other departments. Jungkook spent a week working with the film director, Jeon Somin, who let him talk to the art directors, costume designers, some of the actors, to answer any occurring questions and get a better look at the whole process.

It progresses slowly, but step by step Jungkook tries building himself a life. A new life far away from his previous one. 

Jungkook rushes across the busy street, sprinting the last bit to avoid the approaching car to get too close to him. 

Even though he’s become close friends with Kihyun by now, he's still an intern. 

And as an intern, part of his job is, of course, to get coffee for everyone. It's been a stressful and hectic day on set and of course, the coffee machine broke down. Luckily, there's a coffee shop supposed to be just two blocks away from their location. 

Confident to get the task done quickly and get back to the work that actually piques his interest, he promises to be back in twenty minutes. 

Just that after twenty minutes, he's still wandering around, trying to find the coffee shop. Growing angry with himself for not understanding his coworkers' directions and quietly cursing at the navigation app on his phone for displaying a map that he can't figure out for his life, Jungkook doesn't pay enough attention to his surroundings. 

He's too focused on staring at house entrances, too focused on finding this damn coffee shop, that he doesn't care about the pedestrians around him. 

That is until someone pokes his shoulder and clears their throat to gain his attention.

"Hey, uh, I'm sorry, but you look kinda lost. Just wanted to ask if I might be able to help you somehow?"

Jungkook looks at the man who just approached him. He just faintly notices that he's a bit shorter than him, black beanie on top of messy brown hair. Round, thin-framed glasses are perched on his nose, his full lips forming a slight pout. What really catches Jungkook’s attention though, is the steaming paper cup clutched between the man's hands. 

"Where did you get that?" Jungkook asks. He probably sounds rude, he thinks, but he can't bring himself to care. He’s too annoyed by himself to care about anything trivial like being rude to someone he’ll most likely never see again. Although, deep down, he feels slightly bad for it. The stranger isn’t at fault for Jungkook’s bad sense of direction.

The man doesn't seem to take it badly, anyway. He just chuckles, "From the coffee shop?" 

An exasperated sigh leaves Jungkook's lips. 

"No, really. Thank you for that, I would never have guessed."

Another chuckle from the stranger. 

"But where is it? I've been walking around forever and I just can't find it. It's like everything in this city is hiding from me. It's unfair," Jungkook can't help but ramble, topping it all with a frustrated sigh.. 

He's done. The next time he gets a few days off, he’ll finally do some exploring to memorize the most important places. He’ll also need to check out the next filming locations and look up beforehand where the closest coffee shops are. He briefly considers buying a backup coffee machine and carrying it with him all the time just in case, so maybe he won't need to memorize where all the coffee shops are. 

"Chill there, I'm pretty sure it's not hiding from you. It's a coffee shop, not 12 Grimmauld Place."

The laugh Jungkook lets out suspiciously sounds like a frustrated sob. 

"Can you please tell me where it is?" Jungkook almost whispers. 

The guy laughs at him but tells him how to get there, to which in response Jungkook only stares at him. It's not that complicated, still it seems to be beyond him. For a second he contemplates nodding as if he understood and to keep searching on his own to avoid looking dumb. The stranger sees the clueless expression on Jungkook's face and sighs. He seems to see him as the hopeless case he is. 

"Come on, I'll walk you there," he says, taking a sip of his coffee, the stupid paper cup mocking Jungkook. He's glad, he thinks, without the man taking him there he'd probably get lost at least two more times before he'd finally find the way. 

He doesn't even want to think about finding his way back to the set. 

“My name’s Jimin, by the way,” the stranger says as they start walking. Probably thinking it’s weird to show someone around town without even knowing each other’s name. Jungkook is quick to introduce himself and they fall into light conversation.

With Jimin's help, they arrive at the coffee shop in less than five minutes. Relief paints over Jungkook's face for as long as he can push away the thought of having to get back somehow, and he quickly gets in line to order everything on the list his coworkers gave him. 

As the barista hands out his orders, he realizes he didn't think about how to transport all those cups back. They come in drink carriers so it's at least not impossible, but he won't be able to check his phone for directions.

Jimin seems to sense his dilemma. "Want me to walk you back where you need to go? I doubt you'll find it by yourself, right? And I can help you carry." 

He's nice, too nice, but Jungkook is only grateful. Without getting lost, they're back at the set in just under fifteen minutes and during the walk, they talk non-stop. Jungkook tells Jimin he's only just moved here and that, paired with his general disorientation, being the reason for him getting lost constantly. He also tells him that he moved here for work and that he's still adjusting, but enjoying it so far. Jimin talks a lot too, but mostly listens and reacts to Jungkook's words. He doesn’t disclose much about himself, Jungkook notices, but doesn't give it much thought since they don't know each other and maybe Jimin also doesn't want to interrupt him. 

He's not sure himself why he's talking so much. Maybe just because he wants to avoid awkward silences. Maybe because he feels like Jimin is a good listener and he doesn't really have anyone to talk to here. Maybe because he's a stranger and they most likely won't ever meet again.

All he knows is that he feels oddly comfortable around the man although he doesn’t know him at all. 

"Alright then," Jimin starts when they successfully put down all the coffee, thankfully without spilling any. "I guess I'll get going since you're back safely," he says with a wide smile. “Try working on your orientation, this city is big. Wouldn’t want you to get lost for good, right?”

Jungkook feels a blush heating up his cheeks and nods. “Thank you. For walking me, I mean. I hope I didn’t keep you from anything…” 

Jimin smiles brighter. “Oh no, don’t worry. I was just walking around anyway. At least you gave me a direction. See you around.”

With this Jimin disappears. 

Jungkook wonders if they will actually meet again.

Another month passes and Jungkook uses every free minute to get to know Seoul. Going on walks helps clearing his head and is also useful to get to know his ways around the city. He invests more time in learning how to read the maps on his phone and slowly, he is getting better at it. 

All the walking, in addition to his regular work and studying to keep up with all the things he learns, is exhausting, though. And at night, when he finally flops down on his bed, his eyes flutter closed almost immediately. 

He’s glad. Keeping himself busy and falling asleep tired out in the evenings prevents him from thinking too much. That way he doesn’t feel as lonely. It also keeps him fit and healthy, as he’s always on the go.

He walks all the important routes repeatedly, so he’s able to find his way around if he needs to. Slowly, but surely, he starts to become accustomed to the streets of Seoul. 

Jungkook wonders if he will ever know Seoul as well as he knows Busan.

The filming for the day ended, and today, Jungkook doesn’t feel like walking around. He just wants to go home and spend the rest of the day on his couch, with junk food and trashy TV shows. The past few weeks have tired him out and his body aches for a break. 

So, he decides to give himself the much needed rest and head home after grabbing a cup of coffee. He finds the coffee shop with ease now, after having picked up orders for the crew there rather often lately. At least they are kind enough to not let him fetch their orders alone anymore. Even if finding the place is not an issue anymore, transporting hot cups for a certain number of people still is. When he opens the door, he takes in the warmth and the familiar smell of coffee and pastries. 

Not wanting to waste any time he could spend at home cuddled up on his couch instead, he beelines to the counter, his usual order already on the tip of his tongue. He’s not paying attention to what’s happening around him, or who’s walking in and out of the small shop, so when someone rushes past him, he doesn’t even look up. 

It’s only after the hurried person has left through the door, that he picks up the scent. 

A scent very familiar to Jungkook. 

He turns around to look after that person, but of course, he can’t see them anymore, as they’ve already left. It would be dumb and pointless to run after them, because all he will find is a random person who wears the same perfume that his dead boyfriend used to wear.

Jungkook shakes his head quickly to get the thought out of his head, not wanting to think about cozy mornings, when he would prepare breakfast while Taehyung was getting ready. He doesn’t want to think about how good his boyfriend smelled when he got out of the bathroom and hugged him tight, watching over his shoulder to get a peek at whatever was frizzling in the pans. He still knows the name and brand of the perfume he’s gifted Taehyung for his twenty-sixth birthday. But he doesn’t want to entertain this train of thought any further. 

It’s only after he gets called by the barista for what can’t be the first time judging from the slightly annoyed ring in the girl’s voice, that he notices Jimin standing there, staring out the door with a mildly confused expression. He’s once again wearing a beanie over his brown hair, that looks curled and fluffy today. Jungkook calls out to him and when Jimin turns around and after a second of confusion recognizes him, Jungkook raises his finger to tell him to wait for a moment, as the barista asks him to please place his order so the queue can proceed. 

Jimin waits for him while Jungkook gets his coffee, a steaming cup in one hand and his phone in the other. He’s talking quickly with someone, hushed, and when Jungkook comes closer he only hears Jimin telling the person on the call that he’ll see them later before he hangs up.

“Hey, Jimin hyung!” Jungkook greets him excitedly, “It’s been a while.” 

Jimin nods. “Nice to see you again, Jungkook-ah,” he smiles, “How have you been?”

Jungkook purses his lips in thought. “Good! I’m still settling in, I guess, but I’ve been getting around more and saw more of the city. I don’t get lost as much as before,” he grins.

“Cool, that’s great.”

“Yeah, so… What are you up to?” Jungkook asks, trying not to let the conversation turn awkward. He is aware that they barely are acquaintances, but Jimin seems sweet and cool and it would be nice to have a friend other than his boss in this city. 

Jimin seems hesitant, but he answers after a couple of seconds.

“Nothing really. I was going to hang out with a friend, but he kinda ditched me.”

“Oh... I just finished work and don’t have any plans for the rest of the day either, so…” he lifts his free hand to scratch at the back of his head. “Wanna hang out with me instead?”

Jungkook wonders what happened to his plans of resting and stuffing his face while watching TV but the words had just come out of his mouth and once again he can’t help to think that it would be nice to befriend Jimin. 

Jimin’s eyes widen a little and he seems to think about it before he nods slowly. “Yeah, that would be cool. What do you wanna do?”

He chuckles, happy that Jimin said yes. “Shouldn’t I ask you that? I guess you’re the one who knows this city better out of the two of us.” 

Jimin grins at that. “You know, I haven’t been living here for that long either. I only moved here a few years ago.”

“Oh really?” Jungkook asks at which Jimin shrugs a yes. “Still, you’ve been here a little while longer than me and I’m the one who asked you to hang out, so let’s at least do something you’d enjoy.”

“Alright,” Jimin agrees, “I was about to grab some food, actually, and then go somewhere pretty for some photos. Maybe we could do that together? I see you’re already equipped,” he points at Jungkook’s camera bag. “I’m afraid my sweet little baby can’t keep up with that,” he says, fondling a small camera bag he wears around his neck, and Jungkook can recognize from the bag that it’s a polaroid camera. He’s always adored those. Even if they couldn’t produce high-quality photography, of course. Their charm was their uniqueness, how every picture only existed once and their flaws in perfection was what made them even more lovely. 

“Yeah, let’s do that,” he replies.

Jungkook follows Jimin out of the coffee shop and down the street he’s also walked up when he came here earlier. He’s proud when even after two turns, he still knows where they are and it doesn’t take long until Jimin stops in front of a restaurant. 

“Let’s get some take-away. It’s warm enough, we could eat at a park?” Jimin offers and Jungkook is quick to agree. He orders the same as Jimin, as he ordered Samgyeopsal and Jungkook has been craving that for a few days and it doesn’t take long until they’re walking out again with plastic bags in their hands. 

Jungkook still lets Jimin take the lead and after a while of walking, they enter a wide park with a lot of lawns, direct sight of Han River and people strolling around on their own or in small groups with their families. Paved paths are used by some people riding bicycles and in the distance Jungkook can see something close to plantages for small trees and a field hosting what looks like huge vibrant pink grass. 

Jimin notices how in awe Jungkook is and coos softly. “It’s pretty, huh?” he asks with a smile as he also looks around the park. Jungkook nods. “This is Jamwon Hangang Park,” Jimin explains, “The pink stuff over there is pink muhly grass. We’re lucky, it’s in full bloom at this time. Beautiful to take photos of, I promise.” 

Jungkook beams at Jimin. During the time he explored Seoul, he has found a lot of interesting and pretty places, but he went to all of them alone, never able to share his excitement with anyone. He’s been alone for a while now. 

They find a place on one of the grass areas that’s not too crowded and settle down with their take away. It tastes good, maybe one of the best meals Jungkook has had for a while. Not only because the food is tasty, but the whole setting is utterly beautiful. They arrived just before the golden hour, which is now painting the park in the most stunning colors. It’s not too busy, there aren’t that many people around. And the sight is something Jungkook can’t take his eyes off. 

After they finish their meals they clean up the space they’ve been sitting on and start searching for good spots for photos. The lighting is perfect and they choose to start in the pink muhly grass. A few landscape shots later, Jungkook’s gaze lands on Jimin. 

“Jimin.”

“Yeah?” 

“Can you maybe go into the grass? I think you’d- it would look really pretty, probably could get some great shots,” Jungkook mumbles more than he speaks towards the end. 

Giggling, Jimin walks into the grass field, careful not to stomp down too much of the pink plants that glow even more vibrant in the last rays of the sun. 

Jungkook was right. It looks stunning, Jimin surrounded by pink, golden glow on what’s to be seen of his shiny brown hair, a smile so bright that maybe the sun isn’t really setting. 

Jimin asks the same in return and flashes a few polaroids of Jungkook playing with the pink grass and after that, they try out other spots. 

They don’t have a lot of time. The sunset makes everything more beautiful but it also limits their lighting and after shooting some pictures of the disappearing sun coloring the sky above the Han River in different shades of pink, yellow and orange, Jungkook packs his camera away. 

“Thank you.”

The words come unexpectedly, and when Jungkook turns to his left, he sees Jimin staring down at his hands, several polaroids between his fingers. They turned out pretty, aesthetically pleasing. Jungkook gets out his camera again to snap a picture of Jimin sitting like that with the polaroids. They suit him. 

“What for?” Jungkook says lightly, “You ditched your plans and spent your day with me. If anything, I should be the one to thank you.”

Jimin looks up and smiles as he holds Jungkook’s gaze. Though, there’s a sad tint to his smile. 

“I haven’t had that much fun in a while. You’re easy to be around. So yeah, thank you.”

He doesn’t really get it. But Jimin seems to mean it, so Jungkook nods. “My pleasure.”

When they start walking together, out of the park and roughly into the direction they came from, Jungkook tries to remember the way. He wants to come back here soon. 

Maybe Jimin will accompany him again.

Later that night, when he’s in bed, he thinks of the scent in the coffee shop again and he feels guilty. For not wanting to think about Taehyung and finding a distraction as soon as the thought of him occurred this afternoon. For wanting to build a life without him. 

He knows it’s what Taehyung would want for him. To live his life and find something he enjoys. To move on. Jungkook doesn’t think he will ever get over Taehyung. But maybe life has other plans for him.

Jungkook lounges on the couch and plays on his phone as he waits for his stomach to settle after he’s stuffed himself with dinner until he felt like he’d be able to roll around the apartment. 

The past week has been stressful and even though Jimin’s texts made his days a bit brighter, Jungkook is exhausted. 

Now he finally has some time to rest and sit down to check out his photos. Jimin had asked about them already but work had been so busy that after coming home and having dinner, he was too tired to work on them.

He was already aware that the shots must have turned out nicely. The scenery and the colors of the setting sun created an atmosphere that fascinates at first glance. Jungkook had checked them after they finished their small shoot, but the preview on the small display of the camera is an entirely different thing from seeing them on the big monitor of his computer. 

They’re stunning. 

Jungkook skips through the raw files and even without any editing, with some unavoidable exceptions, most of the shots have turned out amazing, maybe some of Jungkook’s best works. Sometimes, no equipment is needed, just spontaneity, good timing and a pretty location. He’s a little proud of himself, though he’s aware that the whole setting has played into the big picture. And then there’s the person in some of the photos, that compliments the feeling they give off and makes them even more beautiful.

Jimin looks like he belongs in this, like he’s meant to be photographed. 

A fusion of pink and gold, softness, a certain tranquility displayed in something as simple as a photograph. A lightness that is usually hard to capture but with Jimin as his model, Jungkook succeeded so effortlessly. 

He smiles to himself while he gets to editing, already excited to show Jimin his work.

“Hey!” Jungkook says a little more energetic than he actually feels, but well, work has been tiring again. They’re shooting some important scenes currently, so everyone’s a bit tense, their minds set on making it as perfect as possible.

“Hey Kookie,” he hears Jimin answer through the phone. Jungkook notices that Jimin also sounds a bit exhausted, maybe he had some busy days as well. 

“How are you doing, is everything okay?” Careful not to knock anyone over on his way out, Jungkook maneuvers through the mass of people at the train station he has just gotten off at.

“Yeah, I’m fine. What about you, mmh? Work’s still a lot?”

“Mmh,” Jungkook agrees, “I’m okay, though. We’ll finish this big scene tomorrow hopefully, so afterwards it will be a little more chill. Kihyun is stressed and the actors are getting a bit difficult the more they have to redo scenes, which happened a lot. More than usual, Kihyun said. If things don’t cool down in the near future, I’m worried someone will throw something at hyung soon.” He ends with a chuckle as to show Jimin it’s not that serious. Although, Jungkook actually is a bit concerned about his boss’s safety. Jimin laughs too. “I wanted to ask if maybe you’re free one of these days? I finished working on the photos and I wanna show you!”

It’s quiet for a little moment. Long enough for Jungkook to start worrying about whether he said something wrong or maybe Jimin doesn’t want to meet up with him anymore, or… But not long enough for him to deepen those thoughts for too long, because then Jimin answers. 

“Sure.”

Jungkook nods to himself in reassurance. Everything is fine, he doesn’t need to worry that much. 

“Sunday sound good?”

It’s Jungkook’s only day off the whole week. He would’ve suggested that too if Jimin hadn’t been quicker. Did he tell him that’s his day off? Probably.

“Yeah, sounds great. My place? I can show you the pics and then maybe we can cook and eat together or watch a movie or something?”

“Jeon Jungkook, are you asking me on a date?” Jimin laughs into the speaker and Jungkook splutters. 

“No, what- I- I didn’t mean that…”

Jimin’s giggle fit doesn’t seem to find an end as he manages to get out, “Calm down, I’m kidding.”

Jungkook is only glad that Jimin can’t see his pout and the flushed cheeks through the phone.

Sunday comes soon enough. 

They’re on his couch, laptop settled in his lap. Jungkook doesn’t say anything when Jimin leans into his space to see the photos on the screen better. 

It isn’t awkward. 

It’s like every moment spent with Jimin has been so far.

Easy. Comfortable. Natural.

Jungkook enjoys the soft “oh” and “woah” and “Ah Jungkookie, that’s so pretty” Jimin hums with every skip to the next picture.

They get to Jungkook’s favorite. 

Jimin is standing in the pink muhly grass with his arms spread wide and a smile on his face that shines brighter than the setting sun that is painting the most beautiful colors onto the sky and landscape in the background. 

He had looked forward to Jimin’s reaction to this. 

But he stays quiet.

No admiring hum, no “ah,” no “wow.” 

When Jungkook looks down at Jimin to check if he’s still with him he sees the man staring at the photo, brows drawing together and his eyes glistening with what looked like unshed tears. Only when he notices Jungkook looking at him, he turns away, hides his face in the soft fabric of his sweater. 

“Jimin…”

“It’s beautiful. Don’t mind me,” Jimin whispers, “I guess I just got a bit emotional.” He clears his throat and wipes his eyes with his sleeves before he turns back towards Jungkook with a small smile.

“I’m fine. See.” The smile deepens and Jungkook can’t help but smile back brightly.

“It’s really... It's stunning. You didn’t tell me you’re that talented. I’m offended,” Jimin chuckles softly and Jungkook doesn’t answer, only blushes.

Jimin is amazed by his work, continues to let out sounds of admiration while skipping through the last few pictures. He loves the photographs and asks Jungkook to print him a few. Jungkook lets Jimin choose the ones he wants and promises to get them printed soon. 

A little later they're both cozy on Jungkook's sofa, a movie playing and pizza boxes on their laps. It's comfortable.

Being with Jimin puts him at ease. It's like all the stress and the discomfort of living alone in a new city never existed. 

It's like they are in their own little bubble and Jungkook is afraid that one day it will burst. 

"Kookie?" Jimin asks, munching on a piece of pizza. He hums in response as he feels his skin tingle at the nickname. "Can we do this again? Like regularly? It's nice." 

Jungkook smiles, "Yeah, I'd love to." 

It's pleasant when they fall into silence again and it's easy when Jimin turns towards Jungkook to check if he's still awake. It's natural when Jimin is the first one to fall asleep and his head falls onto Jungkook's shoulder. Just as much as it is when Jungkook falls asleep right after, heart at ease for the first time in a long time, the night undisturbed by nightmares. 

When he wakes up in the morning, he feels content. At least until he moves and starts craving death since his neck is stiff and he's sure he pinched a nerve in his shoulder. His back hurts and all of that pulls up to his head, building up into a hammering headache.

They must have slipped to the side during their sleep, until they were almost lying down, and the unnatural position takes a toll on them now. 

Jimin stirs and it makes Jungkook look down, meeting the sight of Jimin's head on Jungkook's stomach, his hair fanning over his chest. He seems to be waking up, fingers clenching and unclenching in the fabric of Jungkook's hoodie and not a minute later he's lifting his head. Jimin's eyes find Jungkook's, slightly disoriented but when he realizes where he is - and in what position - he shyly smiles at Jungkook and then gets up in an attempt at hiding the pink flush forming on his cheeks. 

"Good morning," he rasps and it's a sound Jungkook could get used to. 

"Morning," Jungkook replies and sits up as well. As he does so, a sharp sting shoots through his spine and he groans lowly. 

Jimin grins empathetically. 

"Same." 

Jungkook grins. 

"I slept like a baby. Sorry, I used you as a pillow." He doesn't look sorry and Jungkook thinks it's fine. He tells him so. 

A glance at his phone tells him he has to leave for work in roughly an hour. Stress builds up in his stomach like a knot. 

He woke up a bit late. Usually, this is around the time Jungkook wakes up on a workday. While he doesn't take long getting ready and he just eats whatever is left from the day before or what he can find in his fridge on a regular day, with Jimin being there, he wants to be a good host and offer breakfast. But with getting ready and all, there won't be enough time to cook. He didn't set an alarm since their sleepover wasn't planned. They just fell asleep. 

Jimin seems to read his mind. 

"You need to leave for work soon?" 

Jungkook nods. "Around eight."

At that, Jimin gets up and vaguely gestures into the direction he remembers the bathroom to be. "Go get ready, I'll see what I can make for breakfast?" Jungkook, as the good host he wants to be, tries to protest but Jimin only hushes him, "It's fine. I like cooking and you need to eat before work." 

It's sweet and Jimin seems determined, so in the end, Jungkook agrees and heads to the shower. 

There isn't too much in Jungkook's kitchen, but Jimin manages to make something out of it. It's tasty and they have some light conversation while chewing on some rice. 

It's comfortable. Mornings usually don't feel that nice for Jungkook as he's absolutely not a morning person. 

When they part ways in front of Jungkook's doorstep, it's with the promise of having a proper sleepover soon. 

The coffee shop isn't too busy when Jungkook's out for his lunch break. 

People are coming and going, no one really takes the time to slow down. And Jungkook sits there, at a table in the corner and watches. 

Sipping on his caramel macchiato and munching his bagel every now and then, trying to pass time. 

No one catches his attention or stays on his mind for long. All just an ever-moving flow of people stepping into and shortly after out of his vision. The only constant the two baristas who seem to have their shifts almost all the time Jungkook decides to treat himself to some coffee.

He never really knows what to do during breaks, so usually, he finds a place to sit and watch people go on about their lives while getting some food in. Just tries to pass some time. It's okay like that. He doesn’t need anything big to happen. 

For now, he likes things calm. 

He gets overwhelmed easily lately. 

It's almost time for him to go back to work when he sees a young man heading to the counter. From where he sits he can only see his back and he notices the man has wavy, dark brown hair that looks incredibly soft and is mostly hidden underneath a black snapback but peaks out on the sides. He feels up to his own, rather dry strands and makes a mental note that he should buy some conditioner. 

Nothing better to do, he just keeps watching, hoping the man won't turn around and catch him staring. That would be too awkward. 

The man moves smoothly, every step with an elegance that mesmerizes Jungkook. He wears a beige coat that reaches to his mid-thighs and light grey slacks underneath. His shoes look expensive but worn. 

Somehow familiar. But Jungkook can't remember where he's seen them. 

He shakes off the thought. He's probably just seen them around in the city. 

Jungkook takes another sip of his coffee and gulps it down just as the man turns around. 

Not wanting to seem weird, Jungkook looks away but lets his gaze waver, curious as to what the man's face looks like. 

He's wearing a face mask. 

His lips jut out into a small pout, but Jungkook quickly calms his expression again. 

That's when he gets a view of the man’s eyes. Eyes he could never forget. 

But it can't be. 

He holds his breath. Panic surging up his spine at the sight in front of him.

Those can't be the big brown eyes Jungkook remembers because their owner is dead and he can't ever admire them again. Can't ever stare back into their intense gaze and witness the kindness and the unmeasurable amount of love in them. 

And yet, there they are. Right there. Jungkook's heart races, starts hammering against his rips. It feels like it's going to jump out of his chest. 

Jungkook is frozen, nausea traveling up his throat. 

Their eyes meet for just a second and all air gets knocked out of Jungkook’s lungs. He can't look away, he can't speak. He wants to say something, wants to get up and run to him, but he can't. It's like he's glued to the seat, like electricity running through his veins while he got paralyzed. He wants to move, wants to see. 

He can't. 

It can't be. 

When he comes to his senses again - as much as he deems possible with dizziness and confusion clouding his senses - the man has already left the coffee shop and finally, Jungkook wins control over his limbs. Control over wobbly legs that can barely carry him. But he gives his all not to stumble and fall, unlike his heart does, as he runs out of the café, his jacket forgotten behind. 

He needs to check, he needs to make sure, because rationally, there's no possibility. 

It can't be Taehyung. 

He stumbles out of the door, but the man from before is nowhere to be seen. 

The coffee shop is in the middle of a street, no corners near and barely any other shops. It hasn't been more than a few seconds that the man had left through the door. 

He should still be in sight. But he isn't. 

And it can't be him. 

Jungkook stands there, shaking, freezing, his mind all over the place. Unable to catch a clear thought.

It's not possible.

So maybe, Jungkook only imagined it. 

Maybe he's losing his mind. 

Jungkook takes the rest of the day off. 

There’s no way he was able to go back to work after this, so he called Kihyun and told him he got sick during his break. Maybe ate something bad and now he can't stop throwing up. 

He's been throwing up. But not because of spoilt food. 

He feels like shit. 

What has he done that his brain hates him so much, plays tricks on him like that? 

Maybe he feels guilty. 

Not maybe. 

He does. 

Jungkook has heard of cases where guilt made people hallucinate, fucked up their heads and made them miserable. This might be what is happening to him.

In his stomach, there's a weird and almost unbearable feeling he can't get rid of. No matter what he does. Whether he's lying on his stomach or back or side, whether he's eating or vomiting. In a desperate attempt he even tried hitting himself in the stomach, just to get rid of that knot. In the hopes it will loosen it up and make him feel less like he’s losing his mind. Nothing works. 

His phone rings with alerts. Jungkook stopped looking at them hours ago. Kihyun checking in on him and wishing him fast recovery from whatever he’s caught. Jimin telling him he saw the cutest cat in the park, asking about his day. Taehyung's mother asking if he has settled in well and whether he's coming back home for Chuseok. 

Home. 

He turns off his phone eventually. 

Curls up and cries. Cries until he falls asleep. 

Four days later, he calls Jimin back. 

He went back to work in the morning. Still out of it, but he decided he needs the distraction. Can’t just lock himself up at home again. 

His mind doesn’t do him any good when he’s alone.

When Jungkook turned on his phone the day before to call Kihyun and tell him he’s coming back to work again, it hadn’t stopped lighting up with notifications he’s missed.

Most of them are from Taehyung’s parents. 

Jungkook feels sick once more at the thought of having made them worry. After everything they had to go through after Taehyung went missing, up until the police showed up to offer their condolences. And after that. Jungkook has been by their side as they went through all stages of grief, went through them all himself. 

He almost throws up again thinking he put that fear back into their heads when he turned off his phone for days. He didn’t think about what it could mean for them, just thought about how he couldn’t manage talking to anyone and how much thinking about anything related to his lost lover made his chest ache with insufferable pain. 

Mina cries when Jungkook calls her, gets Wooseok on the phone and after exchanging a few words they all cry together. Jungkook apologizes and Wooseok tells him it’s alright to need some space and time, but makes him promise to give them a heads up if he ever needs to disappear a bit for his own sake again. 

The call with Jimin proceeds a lot calmer, without tears. At least almost. Jungkook chokes up on some silent tears but he doesn’t think Jimin notices. Jimin tells him the same as Taehyung’s parents, says it’s okay to take some time for yourself, he just should let him know beforehand. He also lets Jungkook know he’s there if he ever needs to talk or lean on someone. 

Jungkook doesn’t. No, he does. He needs to, but he doesn’t want to. He can’t.

Not when it’s about Taehyung at least. 

But he also doesn’t want to be alone because his head fucks him up. So he asks Jimin to come over.

Thirty minutes later, Jimin sits on his couch, with Jungkook’s face buried into his neck as he cries silently. And Jungkook, for the first time in a long while, feels safe and protected. For once he thinks he won’t be alone. 

Sometimes he thinks Jimin and him were supposed to find each other, to become friends. 

Some nights, when he’s in his bed and can’t fall asleep just yet and his mind starts circling around whatever comes up in it, he thinks, maybe they could be even more than that. 

He blocks off the thought more often than not, guilt immediately making its way through his guts to tighten the knot in his stomach. 

Jungkook finds himself conflicted, thinking Taehyung would want him to move on but at the same time he doesn’t think he’s able to. 

As much as Jimin comes up in his thoughts, so does Taehyung. And the scenarios his brain makes up are similar for both. 

Those nights, he lies in bed and lets himself float and dive into dreams filled with a future that includes them both. Dreams in which everything is brighter, more colorful and Jungkook’s happier than he could ever imagine. Everything feels lighter when he has dreams like that, when things look nice and bright for a bit.

When he wakes up in the mornings, lost and confused, hot and sweating and so, so sad, Jungkook curses his imagination. 

In Jungkook’s head, there was this naive, little hope that maybe after hitting such a low, he’d get better again. That things would go up from there.

They only get worse.  

He keeps imagining things, keeps thinking he sees or smells Taehyung, or hears his voice, sometimes he only feels his presence. It’s like wherever Jungkook goes, Taehyung goes with him. 

He’s been thinking about that before. But not like this. More like he would watch him from above, maybe a little protective and proud at times. Like a guardian angel. 

Now he’s just scared for his sanity. 

At another incident where Jungkook thought he saw him once again, he ran after the person, screaming Taehyung’s name and praying that he wasn’t crazy, that everything would end up making sense even if he can’t see it just yet. Until breathlessly, he had stood right behind them and his heart shattered the second they turned around. Because of course it wasn’t Taehyung. What did he even think?

What if he’s really going insane?

Jungkook doesn’t talk about it to anyone, too afraid of what they’ll think of him.

Also, no one knows of his dead lover.

There’s nothing more to life for Jungkook at the moment. 

Work, study -  to get down the theory to what Kihyun teaches him in practice -, going on walks, meeting up with Jimin. Calling home at least once a week. Taking photographs and trying to get more techniques and themes down.

Trying to keep his senses in control and ignore what can’t be.

It’s okay. He feels like anything more might overwhelm him.

It’s not like he isn’t on edge all the time nowadays anyway. 

While everything makes Jungkook a bit more reserved again, more cautious of his surroundings and depressed thoughts invading his head more often than not, he tries not to hole himself up too much. Although he also tries not to rely on one person alone too much, because he is painfully aware that nothing is forever and he doesn’t want to fall down this pit ever again. Is still busy climbing out of it. Also, he doesn’t want to be a bother. 

No matter how much he tries, he can’t help relying on Jimin during this time. 

He sometimes hangs out with Kihyun and Somin but it’s light-minded. They don’t talk about serious things outside the set.

He calls Yoongi at least once a week, sometimes more and texts both him and Seokjin almost daily. He tells them what’s going on at work and that he’s found some friends and he’s okay, even though he doesn’t feel okay.

Seokjin’s questioning him a lot when they’re on the phone and he is able to pick up the tone of Jungkook’s voice. Jungkook knows he can hear when he’s lying, when something’s wrong, so he avoids talking to him on the phone. 

With Jimin, he doesn’t always talk either. He does when he feels like it but with Jimin, it feels like even when they’re quiet, it’s meaningful and Jimin understands the depth of it. 

He never mentions what happened at the coffee shop to any of them.

They’re at the park again, when Jungkook notices that Jimin barely talks about himself. He’s thought about it before but lost the train of thought before delving further into it. 

“What do you do for a living by the way, Jimin?” he asks out on the spur of the moment at which Jimin tenses almost imperceptibly.

“Uh… I don’t work at the moment,” he says quietly, “I graduated from university a few months ago, now I’m just… living in the moment. I worked during uni so I saved up some to live off right now and also my parents left some money with me before they… left, so yeah.” Jimin grins halfheartedly at Jungkook before he starts to ramble too much and yeah, it sounds plausible for a young man to just want to enjoy his life for a bit before caging himself in the world of adults and working, right?

Also the way Jimin grimaces at the mention of his parents makes Jungkook seize up with empathy. He gets the pain. Though Jimin at some point mentioned he wasn’t always getting along that well with his parents - that again Jungkook could relate too pretty well - Jungkook doesn’t even want to think about how losing your parents feels. 

Jungkook wants to know more, but as they lie next to each other on the grass and stare up at the cloudy, colorful sky of yet another beautiful sunset, he doesn’t want to pry too much. Wants Jimin to feel comfortable around him.

He seems to do so, as far as Jungkook can tell. There’s a certain brightness surrounding Jimin when he’s with him that makes Jungkook forget a little about all the bad things as well, makes him brighter, too. 

They fit well, Jungkook once again notices, content with how they enjoy the warm summer night together. He doesn’t think much of it when Jimin snakes his fingers around his, slow and careful. Savors the feeling of Jimin’s warm hand in his instead and tries not to read too much into it. 

Tries to ignore how the pace of his heartbeat picks up.

When he looks at Jimin minutes later, he thinks he sees his chest rising and falling a little quicker than usual and a hint of pink spread on his cheeks and neck.

He doesn’t think they will take it further than this but later that night, when the sun’s down already and people have left for their homes, but they still lie there, talking lowly, sharing little facts about themselves with each other, Jimin turns around to face him. Jungkook mirrors the motion, until they both are on their side, looking at each other. Jimin’s eyes tell of determination and fear, but they are soft and deep and Jungkook can’t read them for a long time because his head is reeling and Jimin’s coming closer and it feels good, but he’s afraid. Afraid of what it means and scared that he might not be ready, that he’s going to be unfair towards Jimin because he’s still stuck and Jimin doesn’t deserve that. 

Though, when Jimin pauses and makes him hold his gaze again with a fingertip underneath his chin, his heart calms just the tiniest bit and the storm inside his chest tones down. And when Jimin whispers, “Can I?” with the shyest, softest hint to his voice, Jungkook doesn’t feel afraid anymore. He nods and doesn’t need to wait long for Jimin to close the distance before he feels his lips on his own. 

They are both desperate and needy for the proximity, each pulling the other closer and trying to hold on. The kiss feels just like this, needy and desperate in the most breathtaking way. It’s beautiful and Jungkook didn’t know just how deep he was in this already but once he tasted Jimin’s lips he doesn’t see himself going on without Jimin by his side. 

After a while, they break off the kiss, but they stay close to look deep in one another’s eyes. They don’t hold it for long, because Jimin lets out a delighted giggle and Jungkook is enchanted. Too shy to say anything about the kiss and too deep into it to let go, Jimin only snuggles against Jungkook’s chest and they stay there, cuddled up tightly, until the sky is enlightened by millions of stars.

“Hyung!” Jungkook screams as he opens the door of his apartment to let his older brother in. He didn’t expect his best friend to stand right next to him, though. 

“Surprise?” Yoongi offers with a wide grin spread on his lips and his arms extended for a hug. Jungkook jumps into the embrace and only barely holds back some tears at the instant feeling of familiarity and home. He has felt lost more than he can handle lately.

“I thought you were only gonna arrive here in like three days? Thought you were busy with work,” Jungkook mumbles into his shoulder happily. 

“Took some more time off to come with Seokjin. Saving gas and stuff.”

It feels good how Yoongi caresses over his hair as if he knew Jungkook needed it.

Jungkook knows he worried the both of them too when he’s been either avoiding his phone or nonstop clingy texting them because he missed home. He’s like that sometimes, so they shouldn’t be too surprised by that but he guesses it’s just different when they can’t simply come over to check on him. 

“You staying here for a week too then?”

Yoongi nods as he eventually lets go of Jungkook just for Seokjin to take his place. 

Hugging his brother feels a little different, but even more like home. With Yoongi he leans forward a bit to be able to rest his head on the smaller man’s shoulders and they pull each other in tightly. While Seokjin pulls him into his embrace, until Jungkook buries his face in his chest like he's done when they were kids and Jungkook had gotten hurt and ran to his brother for comfort. It’s something Jungkook connects with the feeling of the home of his childhood the most. 

When they part, Jungkook leads his guests inside and shows them around briefly. He doesn’t have a guest room and his couch is uncomfortable to sleep on - as he can confirm now after the impromptu sleepover he had with Jimin a few weeks ago -, but luckily he has a huge bed that should fit the three of them easily. 

His apartment is nothing special, but whenever he felt lonely and had nothing to do with himself he put some time into decorating it a bit, so at least now it feels a bit homey and like him. 

Before they arrived, he had started cooking. He’s glad now that he usually makes a bit more just in case so now he has enough, even though he thought he was only cooking for two.

It’s nice when they sit down and catch up. Jungkook almost feels like he’s back in Busan. 

Seokjin's still chewing on a bite of grilled meat when he mumbles, “Mum and dad asked how you are doing.”

Jungkook doesn’t say anything in return. He catches it when Seokjin glances up for a second.

“Have you talked to them?”

“No, and I don’t plan to.”

“Kook,” Yoongi starts, but Jungkook won’t let him finish. “No. You both know what they told me a month after Taehyung died. You know they still don’t support me or any of my choices on how I want to live my life.” He looks at Seokjin then. “Did you know they found a wife for me? Not even a year after-,” he scoffs as his voice breaks. 

“ Jungkook, don’t be like that. She’s a good girl and it will do you good. You can get your life in order ,” he imitates the words his father has spoken, “ You gave this whole thing a shot and look where it got you .” Just like back then he doesn’t know whether he wants to scream or hole himself up. 

Heavy silence falls over the table. Jungkook needs a moment before he can look into either of the man’s faces but when he does he sees fury in Yoongi's expression and shock and guilt in Seokjin's. They didn’t know. He’s never told them before now. 

His life is in shambles anyway so why should he keep anything in anymore. There’s no point. 

“They wanted me to marry her only a year after the man I actually wanted to marry died. Dad asked me to finally drop this film thing and do something decent . Something that will actually bring money and honestly just something he can brag about to his rich asshole friends. At least his older son pursues law and not something useless like me. Why couldn't I have chosen something else? But no, his youngest son decides to do something creative rather than lucrative. And then he also turns out liking boys. What a fucking shame to the family! Imagine if he ever finds out you're gay too, hyung.” 

Jungkook laughs humorlessly. 

“You know they haven't dropped their antics ever since, no matter what I tell them. I can't do this anymore. Honestly, hyung, I don't know how you still keep up with their bullshit, but I'm just tired.”

“I don’t,” Seokjin mumbles.

“What?”

His older brother smiles nervously and glances over to Yoongi for a moment. 

“I don’t keep up with it anymore. I’m telling you now, because I want you to know before I tell them. But well, they won’t like hearing that I’m in a relationship now. With a man. And I’m going to tell them once we’re back home so I expect them to stop talking to me too, at least for a while. But hell, that won’t stop me from being with the person I want.”

Jungkook drops his chopsticks at that. “Wait, what? Who?” He stares at Seokjin wide-eyed. 

“Kook,” Yoongi tries again and suddenly it clicks. Them coming here together, although it was planned differently, Seokjin’s stolen glances at Jungkook’s best friend every now and then, Yoongi's hesitant and avoidant words whenever Jungkook had asked what’s going on in his life lately.

Saving gas, his ass.

“What?”

“God, I wanted to tell you for the past two weeks, but you weren’t feeling well and Seokjin said to wait a bit and Kookie, I’m so sorry,” Yoongi rambles and Jungkook feels like he's back in Busan on Yoongi's bed, they're going to high school again, and the elder tells him about his first crush.

“Are you guys happy with each other?” It’s everything Jungkook needs to know. 

“Yeah,” it comes from Yoongi as Seokjin smiles gently. 

“I’m happy for you then.”

They continue eating after that, the Jjajangmyeon on Jungkook’s plate almost gone cold while they were talking, and Yoongi explains how it all came together. His brother and his best friend being a couple is something he will have to get used to, but as long as they’re happy, he will support them fully. 

“No making out in my bed, though.”

Jungkook thinks it’s a good day as he walks home after work. He couldn’t get the week off, but Yoongi and Seokjin said they didn’t mind. They mostly go out exploring Seoul while he’s gone and when he gets home, there’s food ready, waiting for him. And god, did he miss Seokjin’s meals. He feels like he hasn’t eaten any proper homemade food in ages, so when he takes the first bite on the second evening, he feels like he’s just entered heaven. 

The afternoon sun warms him in the late summer glow. It’s not too hot, just the right temperature to wear a t-shirt and be comfortable both at noon and in the late hours and anytime in between. 

People are enjoying the weather just like him. Parents are taking their kids to nearby parks and playgrounds, the ice cream parlor he walks past is packed and the conversations of all the people there melt into one constant humming noise to his ears. Everywhere people are going on strolls, with friends and lovers, children and elderly couples. Everyone seems content and happy today and it lifts Jungkook’s mood as well.

Seokjin promised to make some high-quality barbeque so he’s excited to get home. He didn’t eat much during his lunch break. After that one time he hadn’t been able to go to the coffee shop again and he hasn’t found another place to spend his breaks at yet. 

It’s just as he turns around the last corner that one voice stands out to him. 

He turns around on his heels faster than he can comprehend and tries to figure out where it came from. 

Jungkook didn’t understand what the voice said but he knows he’s heard it a thousand times. He hears it in his dreams almost every night still.

There are so many people out today and he only caught it briefly. He can’t make out its source.

But then, he starts to wonder if he even really heard it in the first place. 

When Jungkook thought he saw him, he didn’t. When he picked up the smell of Taehyung’s perfume it could’ve been just anyone wearing the same scent. 

Why wouldn’t there be someone who sounded similar? If Jungkook imagined so many things already, why wouldn’t he also imagine hearing his voice? 

Cursing his brain for playing such tricks on him, Jungkook turns around again. His heart is broken and heavy in his chest once more as he continues walking back home. Way beyond repairable.

Maybe, he thinks, this will follow him for the rest of his life. Maybe he should try getting professional help. Maybe he even has a brain tumor that makes him hallucinate. At this point, he doesn’t know anymore. 

When he enters his apartment, he walks straight to his bedroom. Doesn’t even get undressed before he crawls underneath the covers and curls up. 

He feels so empty, yet so full of pain.

Hours later, there’s a knock on his door. 

He doesn’t answer, but when the door still opens slowly and he hears the familiar pat of naked feet on the wooden floor, he knows exactly who it is.

Yoongi doesn’t speak as he lifts the blanket and slips in next to Jungkook. They’re facing each other, but Jungkook still has his eyes closed, pretending to be asleep.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Yoongi whispers carefully.

“No.”

“Okay.”

Yoongi stays next to him though and when the first tear slips and betrays Jungkook, he closes the gap between them and holds his best friend.

He doesn’t talk, just lets him cry and feel the pain. There is nothing he could say that would ease the pain anyways. Yoongi understands that sometimes, it’s needed, sometimes, you just need to cry it all out. 

Jungkook only thinks there shouldn’t be any more tears left in him. 

They stay like that for who knows how long. It feels like hours have passed when Jungkook finally speaks.

“I think… I think I’m going insane, hyung.”

There’s no reply, but when he opens his eyes, Yoongi is looking at him, waiting for him to explain at his own pace. 

“I don’t know what’s going on. Maybe I’m hallucinating, maybe… I don’t know.” Jungkook feels more tears welling up. There’s no point in trying to blink them back.

“I see him, I hear him, fuck I even smell him. It’s like he’s haunting me, and I don’t know what to do.”

“Taehyung?” Yoongi asks quietly, despite already knowing the answer.

Jungkook nods. “Hyung, it hurts so bad,” sobs shatter through his words as he forces them out.

Yoongi pulls him in again, carefully, as if he could break at any harsh motion.

He might.

Though he doesn’t know if he can even break any more than he already did.

“I don’t know what you can do either, I’m sorry.” Worry is evident in his tone. “Did anything trigger this? How did it start? Maybe we can find a solution when we look at how it began.”

Jungkook sucks in a breath of air before he explains from the start. How he first picked up his scent passing him in the line at the coffee shop. And everything that has happened ever since. He’s barely able to speak a sentence without stumbling over his words but he manages to get them out somehow. 

When he’s finished, Yoongi runs his hand through Jungkook’s messy locks, knowing how well it comforts him when he feels uneasy. “Did you think about getting help, Kook?” The words come hesitant, as if he was scared of Jungkook’s reaction. But he just nods defeatedly.

“I should, right?” he mumbles.

“Maybe it could help you. And no matter what, I’m always going to be there. If you need me, I’ll be here as soon as I can. And you also can always come home.”

Jungkook wipes his cheeks with the back of his hand and hums lowly. Snuggles in closer. 

“I love you, hyungie.”

“I love you too, Jungkookie,” Yoongi whispers into his hair.

Jungkook is fast asleep when Seokjin comes to bed, but when he wakes up, he’s cuddled from both sides and he feels safe. Even if it’s just for a few moments.

It’s not really surprising when he hears rushed feet and hushed voices as soon as Jimin and him set foot in the corridor and shrug off their jackets. It’s neither when he enters the living room and hears shouting and cheering at him, his body almost thrown to the floor by the force of what he can only imagine to be Seokjin who’s jumping to embrace him. Yoongi is by his side quickly after, a cake in hand and an apologetic smile on his face when he sees Jungkook trying to catch his breath.

Seokjin ushers him to blow the candles and make a wish, to which Jungkook quickly complies. His mind isn’t really into it and he doesn’t seem able to form a proper wish, his brain only forming nonsensical promiscuity as he blows the candles out and takes the cake from his best friend. 

Then he turns around to check on Jimin, who stands behind him, leaning against the door frame that leads back to the corridor. There’s a soft smile on his plush lips, his eyes warm and immediately meeting Jungkook’s since he seems to have been watching him. Jungkook was worried it might have been a bit much for him since he didn’t get a warning, but he seems content. Jimin’s smile widens a little more.

“Could’ve told me it’s your birthday.”

A blush colors his cheeks and he can’t help but mirror Jimin’s happy expression. 

“It’s no big thing.”

Jimin’s expression drops at that and forms more into a look of offense.

“Excuse me?” Jimin exclaims. “Birthdays are important! Today is your day, Kookie!”

His features soften again and he makes his way to Jungkook, takes the cake out of his hands to place it on the cupboard next to them so he can hug Jungkook tightly. 

“Happy birthday,” Jimin mumbles against his shirt. 

When they part, Jungkook is sure his blush has deepened. He looks at the other two men in the room who have the exact same expression on their faces. Smirking, with raised eyebrows they are watching Jimin and Jungkook, and the latter can feel how hot his face gets. 

He clears his throat. 

“Uhm, Jimin, meet my brother Seokjin and my best friend Yoongi,” he introduces, pointing his hand to the respective person as he names them. “And guys, this is Jimin, I uh… told you about him.”

Jimin turns to look at him. “You did?”

“He did,” Seokjin answers, sliding an arm around Jungkook’s shoulders before he can even open his mouth. “Only the best things, don’t worry!”

Jungkook wants to crawl underneath the surface of earth. 

The bright smile on Jimin’s face makes him overthink that thought again.

“Come in now, you guys. Jinnie made food, the table awaits,” Yoongi says and walks towards the kitchen.

The food is amazing and Jungkook is only an inch away from begging Seokjin not to go back to Busan, to just stay here and cook for him every day. If he made more money, he’d probably even offer him some, but well, his pay barely covers rent and monthly necessities. 

They’re all happily munching when Yoongi speaks up, gaze landing on Jimin. 

“I feel like I know you. Are you from Busan by any chance?” he asks, before taking in another spoon of the kimchi jjigae, as he waits for a reply.

Jungkook jumps in his seat at the loud clanking of Jimin’s chopsticks hitting the bowl when he drops them. He coughs but fights it down quickly, mumbles a “No” and picks up his chopsticks to continue eating. 

“Are you okay?” Jungkook asks him, brows furrowed. 

Jimin hums, but doesn’t look up from his bowl.

“Are you sure?” Yoongi keeps talking, apparently not affected by the man’s reaction. Or maybe it’s because of it that he’s trying to dig deeper. Knowing Yoongi, Jungkook deems it a possibility. “I could swear you’ve been in the same university as me? A few semesters down? You look exactly like that business major who disappeared out of nowhere two years ago… Weird. You also kind of speak in Satoori?”

“It’s not me,” Jimin repeats, “I probably hang around Jungkook so much, so I took over his way to speak.” He chuckles but Jungkook knows it doesn’t sound honest.

He doesn’t think too much of it, though. Jimin’s probably just uncomfortable, being put on the spot like that. 

Jimin who is cheerful and loud with Jungkook, but mostly wears snapbacks and hats outside and avoids looking at anyone. He’s just shy, Jungkook thinks, and he can more than relate to that.

Yoongi lets it go after that, lets out another hum, but then nods and gets back to eating.

“I guess everyone has a lookalike in the world after all,” Seokjin says to ease the tension surrounding them and lulls all of them in some light conversation. 

The week he gets to spend with Seokjin and Yoongi is over faster than Jungkook likes and too soon he has to accompany them down to Seokjin’s car where they store their bags and get ready for the drive home.

“Take care, Kook,” Seokjin tells him and he doesn’t say anything but the look in his eyes asks Jungkook to stay in touch more and Jungkook tries to put the promise to do so in his own gaze. 

He gets pulled into a group hug and Yoongi nuzzles his face into his neck. “I’m there whenever you need me. Just call me. We’ll see each other soon, right?”

Jungkook nods against his shoulder. “I’m going to come back to Busan for Chuseok,” he promises and when they all let go of each other and he waves goodbye to the two most important people in his life, the two men who, next to Mina and Wooseok, are the only ones left that he can call his family, his heart feels a little heavy.

His legs are heavy as he heaves himself up the stairs of his apartment complex. Jimin as well is panting behind him. Only a few days have passed since his birthday.

“Really should get my ass up a bit more, I’m getting out of shape,” Jimin jokes under his breath, “Also they should really not build houses like this, with hundreds of floors, yet no elevator.” 

Jungkook chuckles, relieved he just finished the last flight of stairs. From there, he can see the door to his apartment. There’s something placed in front of it and he’s grateful for having nice neighbors who seem to have accepted a package for him while he wasn’t there.

“It’s the seventh floor out of eleven, there’s no hundreds, drama queen.”

“Still too many,” a whine comes in response. 

“Not my fault you’re too lazy to keep fit.”

“Hey! Don’t pretend you weren’t heaving for air just a second ago as well!” Jungkook makes a face at Jimin and when he arrives at the top of the stairs as well and doubles over, Jungkook doesn’t know if it’s to catch his breath or if he’s just laughing at them. Probably both. 

“Stairs are just evil, usually I have good stamina,” Jimin mentions airily, smacking a playful kiss onto his cheek. Jungkook remembers Jimin jogs every morning. 

He picks up the package in front of his door while putting his key in. As he goes in, he studies the thing for any hints on what it contains. He doesn’t remember buying anything online.

“What is that?” Jimin asks as he toes off his shoes. Jungkook only shrugs his shoulders.

“No idea. Doesn’t have a sender written down anywhere.”

“Guess you’ll just have to open it then,” Jimin offers.

Jungkook heads to the couch, the package placed on his lap, kitchen scissors in hand. Jimin plops down next to him. 

“I’ll just check quickly. I’m curious,” Jungkook explains, even though he doesn’t have to and he knows that. Jimin nods at that and leans back into the cushions and talks about his morning to fill the silence.

The first thing Jungkook sees when he opens the lid is crumbled newspaper. It wraps around what’s inside and it doesn’t really make sense because as Jungkook lifts the contents up, he feels how soft they are and really don’t seem like they need to be wrapped to stay whole. Then, he thinks, maybe they’re wrapped like that because whoever sent it was too lazy to properly get it into wrapping paper, maybe that’s just their way to wrap gifts and he smiles, remembering old days and Christmas preparations and a whiny Taehyung who begged Jungkook to wrap all the gifts they got for their friends and family because he didn’t want to.

He finds a sudoku and job offers as he unwraps whatever is hidden underneath the newspapers. 

Though, when he finds what he received, his vision turns blurry and his hands start to shake. 

He barely is able to hold onto the soft fabric with how much he trembles. Fingers tightening as to make sure he doesn’t drop them.

He stares. Only stares. 

All sounds around him dull out until everything, from Jimin’s low rumble about how rude some lady has been to the cashier of the supermarket, to the distinct noises of cars driving on the street underneath his windows, and the obnoxiously loud TV of his next-door neighbor is nothing but white noise. 

Jungkook doesn’t notice he’s crying until Jimin puts a hand on his lower back and wipes tears off his cheek with the other. Doesn’t notice he’s sobbing until Jimin hums to him and pulls him into his chest, rocking his trembling body fore and back. 

His hands just keep holding onto the plushies as he breaks down in Jimin’s arms.

A tiger and a bunny.

And he can’t think, can’t get any thought down straight, his brain a whirlwind of confusion and his heart a hurricane of emotions. Because everyone knew how Taehyung always compared him to a soft and innocent bunny, but only the two of them knew what Jungkook whispered into Taehyung’s skin, in the safety of their bedroom late at night. 

“And you? If I’m a bunny, what are you?”

Taehyung chuckles quietly as he pulls him even closer into his arms, “I don’t know, baby, you tell me.”

“Mmh…”

“Mmh?” he teases. Jungkook buries his face into his neck, leaves a quick kiss there and pulls back to be able to speak.

“I think you’re a tiger.”

Taehyung laughs louder now and Jungkook likes how it vibrates in his chest. 

“How come, huh?”

He’s glad that his boyfriend can’t see him now, because he’s blushing deeply.

“Well… you look like one sometimes.” He eventually pulls back and ruffles the hand buried in Taehyung’s hair through it playfully, pulls at his strands to make them stand up. Taehyung huffs, but his grin betrays him. “And you’re so strong. You let your heart and passion lead you and go your path despite everything people want you to rather be. And if I am something so tiny then you need to be something big, right? To-”

“To protect my precious baby, exactly.” 

Jungkook whines a complaint, embarrassed but more than anything with a full and content heart.

“It’s fine, bun. You know I will always have your back.”

While everything else could simply have been in his imagination, cruel hallucinations trying to wear him down, this is different. This is real. Palpable.

Sobs are shattering through Jungkook’s body and as he’s pressed to Jimin’s chest, who’s mumbling reassurances that Jungkook doesn’t even hear, he curls up with the tiger and the bunny pressed into his chest. Focuses only on the beating sound of Jimin’s heart, crying his own out.

“He was just gone. Without a warning, without saying goodbye, he just left and I think a huge part of me died with him.” His voice sounds as empty and dull as he feels on the inside.

The sobs died down and the tears on his cheeks dried and left a disgusting feeling on his cheeks. He’s still clinging onto the plushies, ignoring the tea Jimin had placed in front of him. Jungkook knows, he should drink something and the warmth of it might feel good to his sore throat. But he can’t let go of either of the stuffed animals in his hands to reach for the cup. 

“I don’t understand. Who sent them? No one knows. I think? Or maybe we let it slip at some point and someone’s making a huge joke out of this? Do you think someone could be this cruel?” 

Jimin looks at him, empathetic, comforting him with gentle caresses on his back. He seems a bit lost, doesn’t know how to help Jungkook, so he just sits and listens. But there’s something else to his expression, but Jungkook is too out of it to give it more than a fleeting thought. 

“I don’t get it.”

His voice is nothing more than a mumble and even low like that it breaks on every other sentence. It’s too much and he can’t organize the mess that is his mind. 

“Where did you come from?” He stares down at the plushies. “Who brought you to me and why?” 

That night, Jimin tucks Jungkook in, but before he can leave, Jungkook reaches out, wraps his fingers around his wrist.

“Please, don’t go.” His words barely above a whisper. “Don’t leave me alone.”

Jimin’s brows draw together, his face forming an expression of deep empathy as he mumbles his okay. Then he slips under the covers next to Jungkook and as soon as he’s gotten comfortable, Jungkook scoots over. Lets out a grateful hum as Jimin wraps his arms around him and searches for more of his warmth. 

Like that, they fall asleep. Cuddled close together, only a stuffed tiger and bunny between them.

Jungkook feels like shit in the morning. His whole body aches, his face is swollen and his throat is dry. He gets up to get a glass of water, careful as he slips out of bed as to not wake Jimin up, who is still sleeping next to him. 

Standing in the kitchen and sipping on his water, Jungkook finds himself unable to form a clear thought. His mind is a mess, everything spinning and creating a whirlwind that he can't keep up with. The shards that once have been his heart weigh heavy inside his chest.

He’s still wearing the clothes from the night before, which now are clinging to his body in an uncomfortable way, his hair is sticking out in all directions and the skin of his face feels greasy and disgusting. He needs a shower. 

But even as water rains on him and clears away the grease and discomfort of sleeping in his streetwear, it can't wash away the nauseating sickness. 

The water pelting down sounds like white noise, echoing in his ears until he can't take it anymore and steps out. 

It's a calm morning, everything around him quiet and peaceful.

Jungkook doesn't feel any of that. 

All he feels is emptiness and the dullness of all his senses.

It's then that he decides he can't get through this day and sends a quick text to Kihyun that he can't come today due to sickness, that he's sorry and he’s going to work even harder when he comes back to the set. His feet automatically drag him back to his bedroom where he hopes Jimin is still asleep, so he can just slip in next to him and hopefully get some more hours of unconsciousness. 

He doesn't expect Jimin to be sitting on the edge of his bed, though. Holding the frame with the photo of his bedside table in his hands and a single tear rolling down his cheek.

Confusion roars up in the storm inside his brain and he just stands there, watching. 

Waiting. Jimin hasn’t noticed him yet.

"What the fuck," he hears him whisper, "What am I doing? Fuck no." 

Jimin stands up abruptly, looking around. He still hasn’t detected Jungkook’s presence. 

"Taehyung, what the hell are you doing?" 

What?

Has Jungkook really just heard Jimin say those words? He can't make any sense of them. His brain doesn't work the way he wants it too, needs it to, right now. 

"What do you mean?" he hears himself saying before he even realizes he's talking. 

Jimin jumps up and whirls around, shock painted on his face. The words he's trying to say failing to make it through his lips in a comprehensible manner. 

There they stand, in Jungkook’s bedroom, and only stare at each other for some breaths. 

“What are you talking about?” Jungkook’s voice trembles as he speaks. 

“Nothing, Kook. I don’t know, I’m… I just woke up, I think I’m a little dizzy,” his voice is hushed and unstable and when Jungkook holds his gaze, he sees forlornness and panic in his eyes. It’s a look he’s never seen on him like this before and it doesn’t sit right with him. He wants to comfort him, wants to make him feel safe and at ease. But he doesn’t know what’s going on and he can’t comprehend anything. He wants to know why Jimin reacts like that, wants to know what he meant by what he just mumbled to himself. Maybe it’s nothing, maybe he is overreacting, but during the past weeks Jungkook has gotten paranoid and he needs to know.

“Fucking answer me, Jimin,” he tries not to raise his voice, but he’s so lost in all of this, he barely can control the volume of his voice. “What do you mean what are you doing, what the fuck do you mean what is Taehyung doing? He’s dead, what are you talking about?”

“I don’t know,” Jimin is full on crying now and Jungkook thinks it’s weird, unsettling. It has always been him breaking down, but now he doesn’t have it in him, needs to be strong for once, and he doesn’t like to see Jimin cry, but he needs answers. His gaze on Jimin is intense, unwavering. 

“I can’t tell you, Jungkook. You’ll hate me and I just… I can’t. I like you so much. I don’t...” A sob escapes Jimin’s lips and he can’t talk for a few breaths. Jungkook’s chest hurts badly, he doesn’t know what to say, his mind still a mess. 

“Get out, then,” Jungkook says but he doesn’t recognize his own voice. It sounds cold, detached, and nothing like he feels with the hurricane inside his stomach. 

Jimin’s sobs get louder and more desperate. “Jungkook, please,” he tries but Jungkook can’t do this. He needs to organize his thoughts and for the storm to calm down. 

“Please leave, Jimin,” he asks, calmer now, a hint of emotion audible, but still nothing compared to everything he is going through at the moment.

Jungkook watches as Jimin tries to pick up his belongings, fails to compose himself and stumbles out. Tears are still running down his face when he turns around to look at Jungkook once more. “I’m so sorry,” he mutters and then he’s gone. Leaves Jungkook to pick himself up once again.

He goes back to bed but he can’t get any more sleep. Everything is spinning and his stomach is turning on itself. Once Jimin is out of the door, the tears finally come.

Nothing makes sense.

Everything hurts.

Jungkook doesn’t know how long he stays there, doesn’t feel how time passes, only notices when at some point he’s in the dark again, the sun disappeared for the night and there’s only enough brightness of the streetlights coming in through the windows for him to see the shadows of his furnishing.

He doesn’t understand anything, can’t see the big picture, but he needs to. He needs answers. Jungkook turns around, reaches for his neglected phone on the nightstand and calls the one person he needs to talk to now.

It’s past midnight, according to the clock displayed at the top of the screen, but his best friend picks up in no time.

“I need to know more about that boy you thought Jimin reminds you of, hyung. What happened to him?” 

He cuts straight to the chase, not in the mood for small talk and definitely not for answering questions about how he’s been. Jungkook’s throat is sore and speaking hurts. He’s so tired.

The hurricane is gone, now replaced by emptiness and dread. 

Yoongi seems to think his words through on the other side of the phone. It’s quiet for a bit before he replies, thankfully not questioning why Jungkook is asking. 

“He disappeared about two years ago, just a while after his parents both had died in an accident.” 

“Two years ago…” he mumbles.

“Kook… What is going on?”

“That’s when Taehyung disappeared, hyung.”

“I know.”

“Go on, please,” Jungkook tries focusing on his breathing as he listens to what Yoongi has to say. 

“I’m friends with a guy who used to be close to him. His name is Hoseok. Pretty rich guy, but not stuck up like they usually are, he’s fun, only got to know him because we had a project together last semester. That boy’s name was Jimin too, so when I met Jimin and he spoke a little like he’s from Busan, I figured, maybe...”

“A lot of people are called Jimin, though,” Jungkook reasons, more to convince himself than anything else.

“Of course.” Without seeing him Jungkook imagines the little nod he’s used to Yoongi doing, grounds himself with the visual.

“Anyways, Hoseok said after the loss of his parents he got reserved, stopped talking, which I guess is normal?”

Jungkook shivers. It’s cold. Why is he always so cold these days? Isn’t it supposed to still be warm? It’s only September.

“But then he went missing.”

Jungkook desperately wants it not to be true. 

“Do you think it could be him? Jimin, I mean?”

“I don’t know, Kook. He said he wasn’t.” Yoongi sounds calm. Jungkook almost wants to thank him for always being so calm. It’s what he needs right now.

“What if he’s lying?”

“Do you think he is?” his best friend asks carefully. 

Jungkook tries to think it through, tries to figure out whether he actually considers it a possibility, but -

“I don’t know. Maybe?”

Yoongi’s voice is soft as he speaks up again. “You should figure that out, Jungkookie. I saw you guys together last week and I was able to see how much you like him. And I can tell he feels the same. But you need to base whatever this might become on honesty and trust, and if he knows anything about what happened to Taehyung, you need to know.”

He's right. Jungkook knows he is. But he can't help feeling betrayed. Rationally, he thinks Jimin might not have known, considering Jungkook had only told him about his past partner the night before, but he's heartbroken nonetheless. 

Everything is too much, too overwhelming and confusing. Jungkook isn't sure how much longer he can take being on edge. Especially now that he doesn't know if he can trust Jimin anymore. 

What if the man he's started to let into his heart, find a place there and settle down, who's made him feel something that isn't sadness and agony again for the first time in years, not only knows about what happened to Taehyung but maybe, just maybe, even has something to do with his disappearance? 

Jungkook doesn't want to think like that, doesn't want the idea to settle, but as he's spent the whole day alone and thinking, he has realized that everything started when he first met Jimin. That Jimin never tells anything about himself, and he's got no idea where Jimin comes from other than knowing he only moved to Seoul a while ago. That maybe all of this is no coincidence and they weren't meant to meet but actually Jimin planned everything. 

It's unfair, because maybe he's just overthinking and overreacting, but it's the only explanation his overloaded brain can come up with. 

It also explains why Jimin can't tell him. 

What if all of this is true and Jimin doesn't even like him? Only tried to get to him, to get close and do whatever he planned? 

Jungkook should be afraid, should be angry, but he only feels his heart break and break and break. 

“Thank you,” Jungkook mumbles, his mind anywhere but in the conversation, “I think I’ll get some sleep for now?”

Yoongi hums, “Yeah, you should. Get some rest, alright? It’s gonna be fine, we’ll figure it out, okay?”

He nods, although he is aware Yoongi can’t see him. “I guess. Goodnight, hyung.”

“Goodnight, Jungkookie.”

The line clicks and Jungkook throws his phone to the other side of the bed, snuggles into the blankets and it takes no longer than a couple of minutes for him to fall asleep, exhaustion finally taking over.

Jungkook goes to work the next day, and the following days. He doesn’t contact Jimin, or anyone for that matter. He doesn’t feel like himself, shuts out everything that isn’t his job, works on autopilot. It’s like he’s a mere shell of himself. Kihyun and Somin keep asking if he’s alright, but he ignores their approaches. Only nods them off, saying he’s fine. For now, he does his work and nothing else matters. 

He came to Seoul for this internship, to learn and build some connections, so that’s what he’s going to focus on for now. For as long as he can’t wrap his mind around anything else. Anything beyond that is too much.

In conversations that cover anything but his current condition, he engages whenever he can. He doesn’t want his new friends to think he’s not interested in them anymore or that he’s closing off - which he is, but they don’t need to know any of that. 

Incoming texts get short replies, just enough for the recipient to be satisfied with his amount of communication, but it’s already more than Jungkook can handle without feeling overwhelmed. 

There’s a pressure both on his chest and from the inside that only eases when he’s alone in bed and sinks into hours of hopefully dreamless sleep. Anything else makes the weight grow until he gets trouble breathing, the compression choking him, forcing all air out of him. 

Some nights, he feels lonely. He got too used to having someone around too quickly again. Should have known better than to lean on someone like that once more, to rely on someone’s presence to be available whenever he needs it. 

Jungkook should have known better than to let someone into his life like that again.

Now he doesn’t only feel the chronic lingering ache of missing Taehyung, but also the more acute sting of betrayal and loneliness, atop on the sickening pang of guilt in his stomach every time he as much as thinks of letting anyone make themselves a home in his heart the way Taehyung did. 

It’s getting colder as October approaches and with that the emptiness in his stomach contrasting the ever-present pressure on his chest grows more and more excruciating. 

Jungkook thinks of getting a pet. A dog perhaps, to keep him company during the dark and gloomy hours that fill his every day now once again. He drops the idea rather immediately again, though, as he remembers how many hours a day he’s gone for work. Inevitably, the dog would get lonely as well because Jungkook doesn’t have the time to take care of it the way it would need and deserve to. 

So, he stays alone.

The blankets covering him up to the chin don’t do much to protect him against the cold. Nothing does anymore and Jungkook starts to think that maybe it’s not the weather that makes his bones chatter. He’s always cold, wrapped up in three blankets, under the scorching hot shower, packed up underneath countless layers of clothes. Nothing makes him feel warmer.

It’s always cold.

And with the iciness taking over his limbs, he can’t get himself to fall asleep in order to reach the numbness he so desperately needs. 

Jungkook has tried to fall asleep for three hours now, but… nothing. 

Another glance at his alarm clock tells him it’s barely close to eight in the evening, but he’s eaten as much as he could get down his constricted throat and now he just craves the kind of darkness that he doesn’t feel, that he doesn’t have to deal with. 

But sleep won’t come.

He lets out a yawn that stems more from the lack of oxygen in his room than actual tiredness, but if he opens the window, it’s going to get even colder.

Frustrated, he kicks away the blankets and decides to go watch some TV, when his phone screen lights up and announces with the melody of his favorite song from a few years ago, an incoming call. 

A glance at the screen tells him it’s his best friend and Jungkook sighs before picking up the phone to answer the call. He’s not in the mood for a talk, but he knows if he doesn’t answer it, he will have both Yoongi and his brother spamming him with messages in no time, asking if everything is fine. Especially after his most recent phone call with Yoongi and the doubts he has voiced about Jimin, they have gotten a lot more worried and he can’t blame them. He would be the same if roles were reversed, he thinks. 

“Mmh?” Jungkook hums, not able to muster up the energy to think of anything more intelligent.

“Jungkook!” Yoongi yells his name into the speaker and Jungkook is taken aback in an instant. Yoongi never raises his voice, not even when he is angry, so this is surprising. He doesn’t get the opportunity to say anything before Yoongi continues a little breathlessly, “Stay where you are, Jin and I are on our way to Seoul. We’ll be there in about four hours, we just left.”

“What? Why? Did anything happen?” Jungkook asks, anxiety bubbling up in his stomach as he wonders what’s gotten Yoongi so worked up.

“Has Jimin contacted you again after we last talked?” Yoongi asks and sighs in relief when Jungkook answers, “No, he hasn’t.”

“What’s going on, Yoongi?” Jungkook tries again, after his previous questions all have successfully been ignored.

The man takes a breath on the other side of the line. 

“I told you how I befriended that guy? Hoseok?”

“The one who knew the boy who disappeared?” 

“Yeah,” Yoongi confirms, “after our talk I got curious, but I only got a hold of him today and I showed him one of the pictures I took of Jimin and you on your birthday. Hoseok freaked out, completely lost his shit, yelled at me where I got this from, because that is... indeed the Jimin he knows.” 

He doesn’t know how to process this information.

Jungkook feels claustrophobic all of a sudden. He needs fresh air, needs to get out of his apartment. It’s not everything, he knows, Yoongi has more to say, hears it in the way his voice wavers.

“Hang on,” he mumbles, puts on his shoes and jacket and grabs his keys. “So Jimin really is the guy who disappeared around the same time Taehyung did?” 

There’s no air in his lungs and he doesn’t know how he’s still standing, how he’s breathing when he’s not.

“Jungkook…”

“No, don’t. Please. Just continue, tell me what you need me to know, Yoongi.” 

The sound of his trainers in the empty staircase echoes through his ears, his own ragged breath too loud, the only thing keeping him grounded is the voice of his best friend, even though his words are pulling the ground from beneath his feet. He doesn’t say he’s going out, hopes Yoongi doesn’t hear him leaving after he had asked him explicitly to stay at home. He seems unsettled enough as it is.

“I asked about Taehyung, if Hoseok knew anything.”  

Maybe Jungkook shouldn’t have gone outside. He thinks he’s going to throw up. But he doesn’t want to go back inside. Needs to walk, needs to breathe.

It’s as if everything he’s bottled up until now is ultimately breaking through.

“He said Jimin shared a few classes with him, back in high school, they actually seemed to be something close to friends from what I got. They both disappeared at the same time, but it was said Jimin most likely just ran off because he couldn’t handle losing his parents, probably just went to live with some far relatives or something. It didn’t blow up in the media because of that. He never contacted anyone, never gave a life sign. Now he shows up in your life. I don’t know what it means, Kook, but it’s weird and we don’t think you should be alone right now.”

Jungkook doubles over, vomits what little he ate into some bush. Mercifully, no one’s around to witness it. Not that Jungkook would care, but he doesn’t want people talking to him right now, no strangers entering his life to ruin the trainwreck, that it already is, even more - although he doesn’t think it’s possible to worsen it any more than this.

“Kook?” It’s Seokjin speaking now. He’s probably on speaker. Jungkook can’t bring himself to care about how they must have heard him just now, just hums in response as he stumbles back to his feet and wipes his mouth with the sleeve of his sweater.

“Are you okay?” Seokjin asks and Jungkook laughs dryly. How could he be anything close to okay? 

If Jimin and Taehyung had been friends - even just bare acquaintances, since Jungkook knew all his boyfriend’s close friends - Jimin must have known about Jungkook in some way. Considering how everyone always complained about Taehyung never being able to shut up about his relationship.

And then he stepped into Jungkook’s life, made himself comfortable, listened to him crying, had the audacity to comfort him, when he knew. Jimin most likely knows everything, knows what happened to Taehyung and who’s responsible, because Jungkook doesn’t believe the tragic runaway story for one second. 

Jungkook ignores the little light flashing up, the idea he gets as his brain tries to make sense of everything.

While ever since he has thrown Jimin out of his apartment all he’s been able to feel was sadness, now he is fuming. Anger shoots through his veins and he finds himself in a mess of emotions.

“I’ll call you guys back,” he presses through his teeth and faintly hears the other two men calling out, but he’s already hung up.

With shaking hands, Jungkook scrolls through his contacts, until his fingers hover over Jimin’s number. He doesn’t notice the hot, big tears escaping his eyes until they drop onto his screen and his sight blurs significantly.

It takes a while, but eventually, Jimin picks up. “Jungkook?” He sounds quiet, as if unsure how to talk to him. 

“Where are you? No lies, no excuses, tell me where you are right now, I’ll come there and you will tell me what the fuck is going on.” His voice is strained, forced out, since at any word, it might break and he’d be unable to keep talking. 

“Jungkook, I told you, I can’t,” Jimin tries, but Jungkook won’t take a no. Not now that he knows he can finally get some answers. 

“You can, and you will. I don’t care how, but you will tell me the truth. Tell me where the hell I need to go, Jimin.”

Panic seems to flare up in Jimin, judging by how he starts to stammer.

“I’m… Fuck, okay, I… Wait.”

There’s hushed whispers, toned down by what Jungkook only guesses to be Jimin’s hand on the speaker. Still, he makes out the deep baritone he couldn’t ever mistake for anyone else’s and he realizes he can’t go far. His knees turn weak and shaky and if he doesn’t sit down anywhere he knows he will fall in no time.

“Actually,” he whispers, all strength gained through the previous wave of fury ebbed down again, “I don’t think I can go anywhere. Like, physically. Come to my apartment in the next hour. I’ll wait for you.”

He sucks in a breath.

“Both of you.”

With that, he hangs up and stumbles to his feet, only now realizing he’s slumped down, crouching with a hand to the ground to keep balance. 

He’s not entirely sure how he managed to get back to his apartment. 

Time is a vague thing, the forty minutes it takes until the doorbell rings feeling like hours. 

Jungkook doesn’t know if he is ready to face what’s coming.

Still, he walks to the door and presses the buzzer, opens the door. 

Moves like his body doesn’t belong to him and waits for them to come upstairs. 

Ignores the shiver he can’t get rid of and the sickness in his stomach. Tries to breathe in deep enough to survive. 

Jungkook pulls the hood of his hoodie over his head because it makes him feel safer in the slightest way, but he takes whatever he can get. 

He reaches to press on the light switch for the hallway light and proceeds to hold onto the doorframe to his apartment with both of his hands. Holds on to it so tightly his fingertips start to hurt and his knuckles turn white. He needs the stability it gives him, holds on so he can stand. 

Tears fill up his eyes once again and Jungkook gets annoyed, can’t stop crying like a baby, but he’s always been a sensitive one. And this… This is more than he ever thought he could take. More than he ever expected to have to go through.

It’s nothing, though. 

Nothing compared to how he loses every stability he thought he gained when he comes into sight, face red and puffy, lips pressed in a thin line and eyes swollen, barely recognizable, but still so distinctively him.

Jungkook loses everything, loses himself.

He doesn’t flinch when he’s picked up from where he’s fallen to the floor and guided - carried - to the living room. Barely notices being sat down on the couch. 

There, in front of him, on the two-seater, he sits. Next to Jimin, holding onto the man’s arm like Jungkook had held onto the doorframe, and sobbing as hard as Jungkook. 

Jimin cries, too, but he’s quiet, lets the tears run over his face without making a sound. His face tells of regret and hurt. A pain as deep as hardly anyone can comprehend. 

Jungkook can. 

And so does Taehyung.

Taehyung who is alive and breathing and right in front of Jungkook.

Jungkook wants to throw himself into his arms, wants to feel his arms wrapped around him. Wants to punch him just as much as he wants to feel him close.

He can barely keep himself upright.

It hurts. The ache so deep and so scorching, Jungkook couldn’t begin to describe if he ever tried to. Might as well eat him up alive. 

“H-how,” is all he can get out, just to be met with even harder cries and sniffles. 

He finds Taehyung close to hyperventilating, Jimin tries to make him focus on his breathing through mumbled words. 

They look close, familiar with each other.

There’s no point in talking as long as they’re all controlled by their emotions, hardly even breathing, so they take a few minutes to calm down.

Neither Jungkook, nor Taehyung can stop crying, but at some point the sobbing dies down, Jimin manages to compose himself the most. 

Naturally, he’s the one who starts talking. 

“I had no idea, Jungkook,” he begins, words feeble. Jimin sounds like all energy has been drained from him. Jungkook feels the same. “I didn’t know who you were when we met, I promise. I didn’t know until that morning. The night before, when you told me what happened to your boyfriend,” he glances at Taehyung, who’s letting out another cry, curled up in on himself, form small and shaking, “I got the idea, but I shook it off. Firstly, because I needed to take care of you first, and secondly, because what would be the chances?”

Jungkook listens to him, doesn’t say a thing, just waits for him to continue. His voice would give up on him if he tried to speak anyway.

Jimin tries to catch his eyes, but Jungkook can’t look at him.

“I only fully realized when I saw the picture. That night was the first time I’ve been to your bedroom, and,” he pauses to look around in the room they’re sitting in, “I don’t think you have any photos of him anywhere else?”

From the corner of his eyes, Jungkook catches Taehyung looking around as well. He stops at the paintings, his own paintings, hung up in Jungkook’s living room, and the shivers racking through his body seem to intensify. 

“Taehyung also never told me a lot about you, not in detail at least, and never your name, so how was I supposed to know?”

“You know why I didn’t talk about him.”

Both Jimin and Jungkook’s faces turn into his direction immediately, as Taehyung speaks up for the first time. 

It’s the first time in years that Jungkook hears it in person, not through a recording or faintly in the distance, convincing himself he’s only imagining it. No, this time it’s real and right there for him to hear, and fuck, did he miss him.

Jimin nods. 

“First it was to protect you, to keep you from everything bad going on. Later on, it only hurt too much… I get why now,” Jimin explains to Jungkook, while Taehyung’s lips seem to quiver too badly for him to say anything else. 

Jungkook doesn’t get anything. 

“Everything bad?”

His eyes are fixated on his lap now, looking at any of the two in front of him too painful, triggering the cries he’s trying so desperately to suppress.

This way, he doesn’t see the way Taehyung scrunches his nose, doesn’t see the apologetic expression on Jimin’s face. 

“Yeah…”

Jimin reaches out, takes Taehyung’s hand in his own. Jungkook remembers doing the same thing when he wanted to give his former boyfriend a sense of comfort. 

He wonders what the relationship between Taehyung and Jimin is. 

They ran off together after all.

Jungkook scolds himself for this train of thought, because it’s not what’s important right now. Because it shouldn’t matter to him after they have hurt him so badly. But it does. They do. To him, they matter, even if he’s mad and hurting.

“We’ve discussed it. After I came home that morning, I talked to Taehyung, told him everything, about meeting you and finding out who you are…”

“Wait, you didn’t know?” Jungkook finally looks at Taehyung. 

The man’s eyes widen the moment he realizes Jungkook’s gaze on him and he shakes his head, seeming in a daze. 

Everyone is quite out of it, but they need to talk. Jungkook needs to know what happened. He doesn’t know how to go back to his everyday life after this. He’s glad he’s got a few days off work, because he doesn’t know how Kihyun would react to him calling in sick again. 

“I didn’t.”

“But,” Jungkook doesn’t understand. If he didn’t know, if Jimin never told him, then what were all of those things which Jungkook persuaded himself to believe were hallucinations? “I saw you? I think? And I heard you and everything, I,” he takes another deep inhale before he whispers quietly, “I thought I was going insane.”

Taehyung is still sniffling, face swollen and wet from the ever-falling big tears. He falls to his knees, straight from the sofa, and crawls over to where Jungkook sits. Hesitantly, he grips at the seat Jungkook’s sitting on, doesn’t dare to touch him, but Taehyung looks up to him, so close, after all those years and cries so hard. 

Jungkook can’t take it anymore. He still doesn’t know what’s going on, they still have to talk, but Taehyung is there . The love of his life is not dead, he’s there and he cries and Jungkook needs to hold him, needs to feel him. He lets himself sink to the floor as well, kneels in front of Taehyung and takes him in for a second, just looks and processes and breathes . 

For the first time in forever, the air he inhales finds its way all down to the deepest parts of his lungs and he is home. 

His home is a mess and parts of it are broken and ruined, badly in need of restoration, but it’s home nonetheless.

The second he falls into Taehyung’s arms, feels him all around him and presses closer, always closer, until all he can feel is Taehyung and every breath Taehyung takes presses against his chest as well. All the grief and ache break out of him, thunder through his body and right against Taehyung’s. 

“I missed you so much,” Jungkook hiccups, sobbing and ruining Taehyung’s shirt with tears and snot, but he doesn’t find an inch in himself that cares. 

Taehyung doesn’t seem to, either, seeing as he presses himself closer, while pulling Jungkook more into him, crying just as hard and mumbling, “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m so fucking sorry,” as often as he can without his voice giving out. 

Both of them are getting out years of grief, sadness and loneliness, years of being without the one person they loved the most. 

“I thought you were dead, I thought I’d lost you forever… And then I was going crazy, seeing and hearing and even smelling you everywhere… I thought I was losing my mind, I didn’t know what to do,” Jungkook whispers when the tears finally dry out and it doesn’t seem like any are left. He doesn’t know how long they’re sitting there already, but it doesn’t matter as long as Taehyung is by his side. 

He clings to Taehyung as he repeatedly apologizes and Jungkook wants to stop him, doesn’t want to hear it, but he doesn’t know how. Saying it’s okay, he doesn’t need to apologize would be a lie. Nothing is okay other than him miraculously being alive and there’s still a lot they need to explain.

But they can do that while holding his hands. The least they can do for him after everything is giving him something to hold on to.

As soon as he can stand an inch between Taehyung and him without fearing he will disappear again, Jungkook waves Jimin down to them, asking him to sit with them, to stop looking so lost and join them, to come close to them, with no words said. 

Jimin understands the quiet request, slips down and sits cross legged with them, they form a circle and Taehyung pulls them both in for another hug, desperate and needy, and it feels right. Jungkook doesn’t know why, but he finds himself feeling alright for a fleeting moment, finds himself thinking, maybe things could be okay.

“Okay, go on,” he asks from them, reaches for their hands and brings them together in his lap, sees them holding each other’s hand as well. 

Jimin nods. “After I came home that morning, we discussed everything. I told him I met you, that I didn’t know who you were and he also told me some things.”

They share a look. Jimin smiles encouragingly and Taehyung speaks up after gulping heavily.

“I saw you at the coffee shop when I went there with Jimin. Months ago. From what I got that must have been shortly after you guys met for the first time?” Jimin hums in confirmation. “I wasn’t exactly sure if it had really been you, I only saw you briefly, but that was enough to panic and run out of there. When Jimin didn’t come after me, but called and told me that he was going somewhere, I didn’t question it. Thought he was going on a walk alone, as always.”

Jungkook remembers the waft of Taehyung’s scent, remembers how it had thrown him off guard and how he had seen Jimin after, how confused the man had looked and how later, he said his friend had ditched him. 

Never would Jungkook have guessed who said friend would be.

“After that I had seen you from a distance a few times, when I happened to be out, when I couldn’t stand the stuffy air in our apartment anymore. Until that one day, at the coffee shop again, I saw you and this time when we locked eyes, I was more than sure it was you. I hoped you didn’t recognize me, I was so glad I always wear face masks and everything,” he huffs, “It didn’t make a difference, right?” 

He looks up just in time to see Jungkook shake his head. A small smile forms on his lips. 

“Thought so.”

Jungkook squeezes his hand, wants him to continue.

“After that, I started looking for you. And I knew it was dumb, it was dangerous and I wanted to keep you out of everything, so I should have kept my distance. Jimin scolded me for all that when I told him, and I in return scolded him for approaching and starting to like someone while he’s supposed to lie low, as well,” Taehyung says, almost missing the way Jungkook’s face shoots up to stare at him, then Jimin with wide eyes. 

Jimin had told him, that morning, that he liked him, but with all that was happening, Jungkook hadn’t taken it for full, didn’t actually realize the weight of the words being said and even though he had guessed as much before already, he’s shocked by the casual way Taehyung talks about it, like it’s the weather forecast or dinner plans. 

After all, it’s been years, and maybe, Jungkook thinks, Taehyung doesn’t care about him like that anymore. The sole thought makes his heart pang in pain, but he can’t rule out the possibility. 

But it’s something he’ll have to figure out later, because for now, he needs to hear the full story.

Taehyung seems to understand, because he doesn’t elaborate, and instead keeps telling his story. 

“I needed to see if you were okay, needed to see you.” A chuckle. “So I kept my eyes open, kept going near places you seemed to show up at regularly… I’m sorry, I know it sounds weird when I say it like that, but I just wanted to be near you…”

“The plushies,” Jungkook mumbles, throwing a look towards his bedroom door, where the bunny and tiger are, somewhere in between the mess of his blankets. 

“Happy birthday?” Taehyung tries, pulling up the corners of his lips into a pained smile. Jungkook had thought there weren’t any tears left to shed, but a few slip anyways. With no real strength he pushes at Taehyung’s side, shoves him weakly and sniffling. “You asshole,” he cries out, pulls him in again, doesn’t know if he wants him away from him or as close as possible. 

The amount of pain he’s been through because of everything unmeasurable.

Taehyung doesn’t say anything in return, only embraces Jungkook, holds him, apologizes again wordlessly.

“Why?” he sobs against his chest, distantly notices the hand Jimin places on his knee in a comforting manner. “Tell me why now! Why did all of this happen in the first place, why did you leave? Me, your parents, everyone’s been through so much, we thought you were dead, Taehyung!” 

The end of the sentence is barely understandable with how his voice breaks, he is still so confused and craving for the truth, his whole brain screaming for the much needed information as to why this had to happen, why all this ache had been necessary. 

Taehyung shifts uncomfortably, his gaze dropping to his lap. Brows furrowed and jaw clenched, telling tales about how hard this is to say for him. But it needs to be said. 

Jungkook deserves to know.

"My father used to have a drug problem." 

Jungkook watches him intently. What he had just said doesn't surprise Jungkook like it probably should, but Jungkook, at this point, most likely wouldn't even be surprised if he was told the sea was yellow and the sky was purple. 

People have pasts and he shouldn't judge them for it, especially if they turned out to be as wonderful of a person as Taehyung's father had. 

"He has anxiety issues and when he was younger, he was afraid of talking about it to anyone. Didn't want to see a doctor because he was worried people would hear about it. He met this guy at a bar, overheard him talking to someone about calming pills that make you feel more at ease, calm your nerves and all. Exactly what he felt he needed to be able to go on with his life properly. That guy noticed dad overhearing and came up to him, asking if he was interested in what he'd heard. Gave him a Valium pill to try and well… Dad was desperate, he'd been in a bad place mentally. The pill helped him calm down and from then on he kept going to that guy." 

Jimin rubs over Taehyung's back as he takes a break, in- and exhales a couple of times. From where Jungkook is still held against Taehyung's chest, he can hear how rapidly his heart is beating. Taehyung nods his head lightly, telling himself it's okay to keep going. 

"It got out of hand after a while. That man stopped showing up alone and they wanted more and more money, until dad couldn't pay anymore. I had a little accident with my bike and needed a new one and we've always been a bit short on money, so he promised them he'd pay them later, but he needed the pills and he thought they were being generous when they kept providing him, even when he couldn't pay immediately. Until they had enough, I guess…” His fingers play with the fabric of Jungkook’s hoodie in an attempt to calm himself.

“I was sixteen, when Dad came home with a black eye and bruises. He sat us down, mum and me, and told us he had debts, finally confessed his issues to mum and she made him go see a doctor to properly get medicated. But those guys wanted to see money, so when eventually they came to our home to get it, I stood up and said I'd work for them, asked them to accept and leave dad alone. Thought if I took this weight off my father's shoulders, he'd get better quickly again. My parents tried to stop me but they accepted my offer and an hour later, I found myself standing in front of their boss, Lee Jinki."

He's shaking and Jimin's features harden at the mention of that man. 

"So you started running drugs for him to pay back your father's debts?" Jungkook asks, trying hard to understand the whole story. Wonders where Jimin takes part in all this.

Taehyung hums his reply. "It was going okay for a few years, until they decided I should try to climb the career ladder. At this point I must have covered all the money my dad owed to them, but after seeing people who spoke up against them disappearing left and right, I was too afraid to mention either this or the fact that I had no interest in making a career in their other businesses."

A sigh comes from Jungkook's right and when he looks up, he sees Jimin grimacing. 

"That's where I come in, I guess."

"Yeah," Taehyung breathes. 

"I had a very similar problem with them to what happened with Tae's dad," Jimin explains, "Except instead of anxiety pills I needed something to keep me going at school. It’s not that I was bad at school, but well, I was young. My friends and I were always out, ‘til late at night. I was always so tired in class and had a hard time focusing, but I wanted to make a career and provide my parents with a home and future, so they could be proud of me. When one of the boys introduced me to the stuff, I didn’t think much of it. I was young and dumb. But then," he pauses, rubs his hands on the jeans fabric covering his thighs. Bites his lower lip hard to contain himself and when he continues, Jungkook can see the marks his teeth have left on his lip. "My parents died in a car accident. I had just turned eighteen and was still a student and with no job or my parents to guide me anymore, I lost my way."

Jimin visibly fights back his tears, the whole room is quiet. Night broke in and drowns the room in grey shadows.

"They sent Tae to get the money I owed to Jinki, but I didn't have any. Barely even had enough to buy food. I recognized him because we used to have some classes together back in high school and we got along well then. I remembered Tae to be kind, so I tried to explain my situation to him, desperate and afraid and when he was so understanding, I had hope." 

A bitter laugh breaks out of him, thinking back to when Taehyung had left his dorm and he believed things could be alright, he could shrug off at least one of his worries and maybe pay back for the drugs when he would find a job and earn money. He had been so naive.

“When Tae came back the day after, I could see on his face that all that hope had been useless.”

The two share a look that tells of shared fear and agony. Tells a story that Jungkook can only begin to understand. He holds them both, silently begs them to go on. In their faces it is displayed, the amount of anguish they have gone through. 

They have to tell him their story, but he hopes that they can get through with it quickly, so they can breathe, and they can work it through. 

Jungkook knows what it feels like to have your airways cut off.

“His face was all bruised up, nose covered with blood and lips cut. He pushed me to the side, came inside my dorm and closed the door behind him. Said someone might be watching us.”

“I wasn’t sure. Better be safe than sorry,” Taehyung mumbles. It’s his turn to chuckle bitterly now. None of them had been safe. “I was right after all, wasn’t I?”

Jimin cocks his head, closes his eyes. His fingers fumbling with Jungkook’s in his lap.

“Inside, he told me I had to disappear. Explained that Jinki isn’t someone you can talk to and who will understand apparently, but definitely is someone who values his money a lot and hates people who try to get away without paying. That he was sent to get me to him. To do god knows what with me there. He was shaking so badly. I was terrified. I should’ve known beforehand.” 

“I had the image of my dad in my head, beaten up and bruised. Of the men coming in and threatening my family… I don’t want to imagine how far they would have gone, had I not offered to work for them. I had to do something,” Taehyung adds, head hung low.

“He wanted to help me get away, so we made a plan. But when it was meant to take action, they were already after us. I don’t know how they found out, but they were behind us with barely any delay, so they clearly knew.” 

Taehyung’s grip on Jungkook tightens as Jimin speaks of that day. Tells the story of why he disappeared, why he left without a word. All their chests are tight, filled with dread, agony, regrets. 

“Tae got hurt. They… Jinki himself... shot him in the shoulder.” Jungkook is glad that there’s nothing left for him to throw up anymore as Jimin breathes out the words. 

“Which I can tell isn’t what he aimed for,” Taehyung mumbles.

“From then on I don’t know much anymore, it’s all a haze,” he says, eyes cast down, “I remember a lot of pain and you yelling something at me and then we were in a car to Seoul and that’s it.”

Jimin nods and smiles empathetic at the man. “I dragged Tae with me, thanking all existing entities that it was his shoulder that had taken the bullet and not a leg, because he was panting and stumbling and all, but at least he could still stand. At least as long as the adrenaline blocked out most of the pain, I guess?” Jimin grimaces. 

“He was losing a lot of blood though and I knew it was easy to follow us like that and hiding wouldn’t help much, so I pulled him into a nearby river to get them off our track and then we hid. It was horrible. I don’t know how long we sat there, but it was so cold and he was still losing blood, by then barely conscious anymore and I didn’t know what to do.” He’s shaking and breathing too fast, hardly managing to keep his voice level. Taehyung reaches to run his hand through the man’s hair. The touch somewhat intimate with how Taehyung’s thumb then lingers on his cheek, hand cupping his jaw. It seems to calm Jimin enough for the shivering to tone down. “That’s when Namjoon found us.”

“Namjoon?” Jungkook asks, the name has a familiar ring to it. 

“He’s a police officer in Busan. Got us out of there and my shoulder treated and then sat us in a car to Seoul with him,” Taehyung specifies with a nod. Right, Jungkook remembers, one of the officers on Taehyung’s case had been named Namjoon. 

“He made us tell him what happened, promised to help us and get us somewhere safe. Apparently, he had been on Jinki’s case for a while and when he found us in that forest, broken and wounded, he thought he finally had someone who could testify in court who’s still breathing and hadn’t suddenly disappeared off the face of earth.”

“He brought us here, told us that Jinki and his men might be big in Busan, but didn’t get the chance yet to widen their territory, so we should be safe here,” Jimin takes over, “We were asked to keep to ourselves and not go out too much - not that Taehyung could have even if he wanted, in the beginning - and if we had to, we were supposed cover up, anyways, just in case. We weren’t allowed to contact anyone. They made it look like Tae had died and I had run off, to protect us and to get Jinki’s men off our track.”

“Fuck,” Jungkook curses when Jimin seems to have finished. “Fucking hell, what?”

There’s still a lot of questions roaming in his head and he’s not sure he can process all this information. It sounds surreal to him, who had always thought he was living the basic average citizen life, but now finds out his boyfriend was engaged in some criminal shit that he couldn’t even imagine.

“So…,” he looks at Taehyung, “you were a drug dealer all this time? When you came home late and told me you were stuck in the studio? You’ve been doing that?”

“Not by choice, bun. I didn’t tell you anything to keep you safe. You understand that, right? I wanted to keep you as far away from all that as possible.”

Jungkook has goosebumps running over him at the familiar pet name, his heart beating rapidly in his chest. He understands yes, but that doesn’t mean he is any less lost with the new knowledge. 

“And now? What’s happening with Jinki?”

“They’re close to finishing the case, Namjoon called last week, saying he might need us to testify at court soon. There’s gonna be a raid soon and they want to take in Jinki and his men,” Jimin answers, a certain energy audible in his words now. “It’s been so long, and now it’s finally gonna be over, I still can’t believe it.”

Taehyung hesitates, features fraught with uncertainty. “I don’t want to get my hopes up just yet. We’ll see after the raid if they are successful. But yeah, this case has been wearing Namjoon out a lot, his unit worked on it for years and only now they have enough evidence. It’s crazy.” 

It sounds like they have gotten close to that Namjoon guy, but Jungkook guesses it’s bound to happen when he’s the only person who knows they still exist. 

“I’m sorry all this happened to you,” Jungkook mumbles, pressing his face into Taehyung’s sweater as he scrambles closer. He doesn’t let go of Jimin while doing so, feeling like they all need the comfort, the touch of each other. 

“I’m sorry we had to do this to you.” It’s Jimin who whispers this.

Jungkook knows there’s still a lot to talk about, a lot to get over and work through, but it’s late and they are all exhausted. 

They need to talk about them as well, heartbeat picking up its pace at both Taehyung and Jimin’s touches. But that’s for another time.

He gets up, struggles to stand with his legs still weak and shaky. Taehyung lets out a protesting whine that reminds Jungkook of better times. When in the mornings his boyfriend had not wanted to get out of bed just yet and tried to convince Jungkook to stay in for a little longer. It puts a smile on his face. “I’m just going to make us some tea.”

While Jungkook is waiting for the water to boil and picking the tea he wants, he hears Jimin and Taehyung talking lowly in the living room. 

It still feels surreal to have them both in his apartment, to see Taehyung alive and well. He doesn’t know how to feel about all this. But surely, there’s a part of him that is over the moon. Right next to the part that is scared. Scared of everything that is in the past and everything that is yet to come.

Due to everything that happened during the past hours, he completely forgot about his brother and best friend, and he only remembers it when there’s the frantic ringing of the doorbell accompanied by heavy knocking on the front door. 

“Jungkook!” Seokjin shouts as he opens the door and falls into his arms. “Some old lady let us in downstairs, god, you can never just hang up on us like that, do you hear me?” 

Yoongi, who’s thrown himself in the hug as well, nods against Jungkook’s arm. “Yes, you need to promise. Fuck, I was so scared.”

“Sorry,” Jungkook whimpers, so overwhelmed that he’s not able to contain his tears once again, “I h-had to make sure of something, had to nuh- know.”

Yoongi looks up at that, questioning look and head leaned to the side. 

“Come in,” Jungkook sniffles and ushers the two inside. 

Only seconds after, there’s screaming, yelling, crying as they find the man presumed dead sitting on the floor in the middle of the living room.

Yoongi and Seokjin stay the night, but leave the next morning. The five of them had spent the better part of the night talking, crying, hugging. 

Jungkook doesn’t know how to act around Taehyung once he calms down and the shock subsides. He is incredibly happy that he’s there, that he’s okay, but there’s this little voice in his head that tells him he’s suffered during the past years for nothing. That he mourned a death that never was. 

Of course, Jungkook understands that it was for everyone’s safety, but he can’t help feeling that way. He tries to swallow it down, only for it to leave a bitter taste on his tongue.

Jimin and Taehyung stay with him over the weekend, and then whenever Jungkook doesn’t have to work, they are with him as well. Neither Taehyung nor Jungkook want to be apart after finally being within each other’s reach after all this time. 

Jimin is a part of both their lives now, owns a spot in both of their hearts. 

Seeing Taehyung and Jimin only leaving the house after taking certain safety measures, Jungkook can imagine how life has been for them during the past two and a half years. He gets a glimpse at their hardships every time Taehyung hides his face behind a mask and dresses in the subtlest clothes possible, always including a hat to cover his hair and hide some more of his face. Jungkook finds out that Jimin having his eyes cast down at any time when there are a lot of people around, isn’t a habit out of shyness, but a facade to not catch anyone’s attention.

Even with Jinki’s power not reaching all the way to Seoul, there is no way to tell for sure that no one has their eyes open for them. Especially for Jimin, who is not pronounced dead. 

Anxiety lulls them in like a shadow they can’t ever get rid of and Jungkook tries his best to make them feel a little lighter, but it’s something they seem unable to escape, even when it’s just the three of them. Every unexpected noise startles them.

Some days Jungkook thinks Taehyung has given up on the belief of ever being free again, has gotten used to things how they are. Might have already made his peace with having to live in hiding for the rest of his life.

He gets it, somehow. It’s been years of the police trying to catch Jinki and his men to no avail. 

At some point hope was meant to be lost, right?

All of them are cautious around each other. Mostly though, it’s Taehyung who tiptoes around them. Jungkook senses the guilt that’s eating him up alive and it pains him too. 

It’s fragile, what they have. Any of them a ticking time bomb, so overcharged with emotions. Trust is a word Jungkook can’t even think of as of now.

Still, they can’t be without each other. 

What little they can receive of comfort and safety, they gain from them being together. From little gestures. Whispered words. Subtle touches.

They spend the nights together, with lowly whispered, hushed promises of things getting better. Promises of life turning back into something they can share, a future spent together. 

Jungkook doesn’t talk about where Taehyung and him stand, doesn’t mention the kisses he shared with Jimin, and neither do they. 

But when one night, Jimin finds the two on the small balcony, leaned into the other’s space and lowers himself down in front of them, eyes glistening and telling things that words could never contain, when he cradles Jungkook’s face in his hands first, drags him in for a soft kiss to his lips, and then does the same with Taehyung while still holding onto Jungkook with one hand, they are fine. 

Jimin takes their hands, pulls them up and inside, because it is so cold outside. He guides them back to bed where they slip underneath the covers. Where they hide from the world, dive into one of their own and finally share what they’d never dared to speak of. 

When they mumble sweet promises and shed tears of fragility, when they exchange gentle kisses and whisper words of love, they believe that things might actually turn out alright. 

One of those nights, where they are cuddled up in Jungkook’s bed, that finally isn’t cold anymore, but now is their safest haven, the center of their own little world, they tell him how during those years they had grown closer than they would ever have imagined. Taehyung describes the same feelings Jungkook had felt once he first noticed his growing feelings for Jimin. Guilt, misery, hope.

Like this, they are locked up just the three of them, in the world that is Jungkook’s apartment. Feeling relieved to finally have each other, but still lost at being stuck in place.

Only one day, when Taehyung gets a call and rushes out onto the balcony to catch some air, when he hangs up and looks at Jimin with tears welled up in his eyes, when he finally pronounces what they have waited for all this time, they allow themselves a hunch of freedom. A breath of air.

“They’ve got him.”

“Are you ready?” 

“Not at all. I don’t think I ever will be,” Taehyung rasps, fixing his jacket, before turning around to face his boyfriend. “You’ll be right by my side?”

“Always.” Jungkook presses a kiss on the man’s lips. “Both of us will be.”

At that, Jimin opens the door on Taehyung’s side of the car, offers him a hand to help him out of the vehicle. Jungkook smiles, slips out on his side and goes around to join Jimin’s side. Taehyung is nervous, stumbles more out of the car than anything and they catch him, chuckling softly at the expected clumsiness. 

“I feel sick, I’m gonna throw up,” Taehyung complains. Jungkook only smiles at Jimin and they both link arms with the man, conjointly holding him upright.

Five weeks have passed since Jungkook found out about everything. They spent most of the time together, clearing up any questions that Jungkook still had until he fully understood what had happened back then. 

Until he found himself able to slowly build up trust towards them again, since rationally, they never wanted to hurt him, had not been given a choice, especially not Taehyung. 

He knows there are still things unsaid, things Taehyung can’t easily talk about. Knows there’s more to the time he had worked for those guys where he’s seen things he would rather forget. 

Jungkook doesn’t want to rush him. Wants him to heal and maybe if someday he’s ready to tell him, he will listen. 

Their relationship is something that happened naturally. They don’t really talk about it, just let it happen. There are other things they need to talk about. 

Eventually, they will have to have that conversation, they are all aware of it, it lingers upon their heads, waiting to be addressed. But for now, they just are what they are. 

Embracing each other whenever they need, share kisses in between daily rituals. It’s not as awkward as one might think. 

Things with Jimin have always been natural, Jungkook realizes once again. And once they get used to one another’s presence again, it’s easy to fall back into habits with Taehyung. 

They fall in with each other. It’s them, only them. 

Jimin and Taehyung had been invited to give their testimonies two days ago. The day in court had messed with their heads, seeing Lee Jinki on the other side of the room, eyes heavy on them. Jungkook is glad he got to go with them, that he was there to catch them afterwards when all came tumbling down. 

Evidence alone should have been enough to lock those guys in for a lifetime but with Taehyung as key witness and Jimin as another witness of their cruelty, the case was more than safe and at the end of it, they went home with Jungkook, a heavy weight lifted off their chests and officially free. The police had done a great job at the raid, got everyone of name that worked for Jinki behind bars. 

Both Jimin and Taehyung are struggling to get over this part of their lives. It’s going to take a long time until the paranoia they have learned to live with will fade away. If it will at all. 

Jungkook can only lend them his hand. Can only help them as far as his abilities reach, while they in return help him put himself back together.

Things aren’t alright just yet. Things are hard and demanding, tiring them out. 

But they’re working on them together.

They stand together and face what’s coming.

Taehyung sucks in a sharp breath of air, holding onto the men to both of his sides tightly as they reach the front door of the house that holds so many memories to him. 

He nods at Jungkook who takes it upon him to knock on the door that gets pulled open barely a second later. It’s a whirlwind of forms and colors that Jungkook isn’t able to make out, everything happening so quickly.

They are pulled inside and into trembling arms.

And held tightly in the embrace of his crying parents, Taehyung whispers, “Mum, dad, I’m back. I’m sorry for leaving. I’m so sorry.”

It’s Wooseok who answers. Audibly emotional, voice tinted with despair, guilt, pain, but most of all relief. Holding on tight.

“It’s okay, you’re back home now.”