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It started when he woke up. San didn't get much sleep the night before, tossing and turning every five minutes. The room was too hot, too cold, just not right in anyway. He was tired but his brain could run for miles. So when he woke up feeling grumpy, he wasn't surprised. What did surprise him was that the more he woke up, the more he wanted to cry which left him feeling just a bit little.
He wanted to cry even more after realizing that. His schedule was busy, he couldn't have himself regressing in the middle of it. So he decided he'd just have to fight it. With a sigh, he got himself out of bed and changed into some baggy clothes. Big clothes usually helped when he was feeling little, they were a subtle way to relieve the regression; not enough for him to slip, but just enough to make him feel comfy.
He decided not to bring Shiber around today, as carrying around a stuffie might just push him more into the headspace. He was quieter than usual throughout the day but no one seemed to notice. He tried his best to act normal throughout dance practice, but he could feel himself slipping further and further.
In the studio, he couldn't focus on his lines or the backtrack or even the metronome counting him down. He pushed it to the back of his mind and for a bit, it went away. It was fine until they got back to the dorms. As soon as they got back, San went straight to his room. The first thing he saw was Shiber.
He threw himself onto his bed and hugged the stuffie tightly. He felt himself slipping further and further then. He huffed and tried to stop himself from sucking on his thumb. It was too risky to fully regress at that point, but being in between headspaces was so exhausting, he just wanted to give in so bad. All he had to do was wait for the others to fall asleep.
He gasped when he heard the door open. Quickly turning around, he saw Yunho. Yunho chuckled at how skittish San was. San sat up with Shiber in his lap. Yunho just stood at the door, unphased by San's tight grip on the stuffie.
"Dinner's ready, you should come down and have some. I know you didn't get much sleep, but you have to eat." Yunho told San. His concern made San feel fuzzy inside and he smiled and nodded.
"I'll be right out." He said. Yunho nodded before walking out, leaving the door open. San quickly put on a sweater to warm himself up before grabbing Shiber and heading down to the kitchen. He held the stuffie in his lap the entire meal, not putting it down even when Yunho told him he should just to be clean.
He should have listened to Yunho because at one point, his food had completely missed both his mouth and the plate, ending up on Shiber's back. He wanted to cry. Not because he may have just stained the stuffie but because he didn't have time to clean it before regressing that night. He quickly stood up and ran to the sink to clean Shiber up, drenching the dog in water.
When the stain didn't come off, he huffed and held his head down, feeling defeated. All he wanted to do was be small, and it was all just going so wrong. Seonghwa noticed his distress and decided to halt his own meal and head over. He stood next to San, reaching out to grab the stuffed animal. San let him as he was always gentle with his things.
"Oh my, that'll take a bit to clean off." Seonghwa said, inspecting the food stain on the stuffie. San pouted and sighed. Seonghwa looked at him and smiled. "It's alright, I'll get him cleaned up." He said before ruffling San's hair.
"Thank you, d- um, hyung." San said, mentally cursing himself for almost calling Seonghwa the d word. He couldn't help it, he was regressing and Seonghwa was acting so caring towards him. Seonghwa didn't seem to notice San's slip up.
"No problem. You get back to dinner, I got this." He told San. San nodded and headed back to the table to finish his dinner. After dinner, San decided to stay out in the kitchen with Seonghwa who was hand washing Shiber. Yunho decided to stay as well, simply watching the other two and chipping in on the conversation every once in a while.
"You should've listened to me when I told you to put him down." Yunho chuckled softly. San nodded, looking down and kicking his legs from his chair.
"I know. I won't do it again." San sighed. Yunho smiled.
"Good boy, at least you've learned your lesson." He said. San practically froze at the words. Yunho really didn't know what that meant to San in this state. It made him feel just a bit smaller than he had been before.
"Y-yeah." San laughed breathily. They kept talking about nothing important, just small details of their days being shared back and forth. At one point Hongjoong walked in. He looked a bit surprised to see the three of them still in the kitchen but nonetheless greeted them as usual. Joong reached into the fridge to grab the milk before pouring it in a cup and warming it up in the microwave.
"Going to bed?" Seonghwa asked. Hongjoong nodded, taking his drink out of the microwave before stirring it. "Oh, hold on, it's really good with some sugar and vanilla extract." Seonghwa said, walking over to the cupboard. San watched as Hongjoong's face flushed a bit. It was obvious that he just wanted to get in and out of the kitchen as fast as he could. But why?
Seonghwa leaned over his shoulder and poured in the ingredients, humming while he stirred the milk. He picked it up and placed it in front of Hongjoong's mouth. Hongjoong stared at the cup and then Seonghwa, eyes darting back and forth.
"Try it." Seonghwa told him. And so he did. "Good?" Hongjoong's eyes widened and he nodded happily. Seonghwa smiled. "Alright, go get ready for bed now, we won't bother you." Seonghwa said, patting Hongjoong's back as he stepped out of the kitchen.
"Night night." He said before leaving. His tone struck something within San. It was pitched and sweet, sounding like when the boy acted cute. San began to think that Hongjoong was acting just a bit weird, but no one else seemed to agree when he brought it up.
"I don't know, he's just tired." Yunho said, shrugging his shoulders.
"Yeah, and I warm up some milk for him just about every night before bed, so it's not unusual." Seonghwa pointed out. San nodded. Maybe he was the one being weird. Being in between headspaces does that to you.
Half an hour had passed when almost all the lights in the house were off. San was waiting for Shiber to dry up while Seonghwa and Yunho just wanted to be up a bit longer. They moved to the living room so they could watch something while San waited. There was nothing but silence interrupted by the quiet tv and the occasional shuffling sound of one of them adjusting themselves on the couch.
After a bit, there was a creak and a sniffle, coming from behind them. Yunho noticed it first, turning around and squinting his eyes to get a better look. It took a bit for his eyes to adjust to the dark lighting, but he could see exactly who was there and after examining them for a bit, he knew he wasn't supposed to have seen them.
San and Seonghwa turned around when Yunho said nothing, wondering what had the boy speechless. Just a bit behind them, coming from his room, was Hongjoong. The boy was holding a stuffed animal in one hand and a small blanket in the other, balancing a sippy cup between his full hands with a pacifier in his mouth. When he saw the other three, he gasped and his paci fell onto the floor with a smack. Hongjoong covered his face with the blanket, trying so desperately to hide himself from their gaze.
San's eyes widened at the sight. In the bouts of confusion, he was the only one that knew what was going on. His heart ached for Joong. To be in such a position would be terrifying. Not only was Hongjoong caught for being a regressor, but he was regressing at the same time. Such a situation would be stressful beyond belief for someone in that headspace. He heard small sobs and gasps come from under the blanket and leaned forward, ready to walk over.
"I'm sorry, y-you weren't s'posed to be awake..." Hongjoong cried out. "Was jus... Um... Joongie- I was jus... No, gotta go." He tried to explain himself but it ended with a head shake. He crouched down on the floor, looking for his pacifier and giving up on finding it before turning around to run off, but Yunho stopped him.
"Hey, hyung, is everything alright? Come here." Yunho said. He decided to completely ignore the fact that Hongjoong was using the same items and vocabulary that a toddler would. What was important was that he was crying and Yunho didn't want him to go back to bed upset. Hongjoong shook his head quickly, covering it with the blanket once again.
"N-no... Yous not s'posed to see Joongie tiny!" He said, his voice raised a little, revealing his discontent. No one had anything to say to him and he had nothing else to say and so the room was silent for a few moments. The silence began to feel loud to Hongjoong's ears and his heart was pounding in his chest. San slowly stood up and headed over as he heard short, sharp breaths coming from underneath Joong's blanket.
As he slowly made his way over to the little, the breaths got faster and more shallow. Hongjoong was now hyperventilating, scared out of his mind at being yelled at or made fun of and San could tell. Hongjoong was in a situation San feared more than anything, so he wanted nothing but to help the little. San crouched down, quickly making his presence known by shushing Hongjoong. He saw the paci on the floor and grabbed it, wiping it off before tapping on Hongjoong's back softly.
"Hey, hey, shhh. It's okay, little one. Just breathe." He whispered. Hongjoong sniffed and hiccupped in reply, trying his best to slow his breathing down. He peaked out from the blanket and looked up at San. "Come here, Joongie, it's okay. I won't hurt you." Hongjoong looked around as if surveying his surroundings like a prey fallen under three wolves. Yunho and Seonghwa watched as he huffed and hesitantly threw himself at San. The two were confused, but this was a situation neither of them knew how to handle, so they allowed San to do it alone.
San engulfed Joong in a warm hug, pulling him onto his lap and turning him away from Yunho and Seonghwa so they couldn't see his face. Hongjoong cried into his shoulder, gripping onto his shirt tightly while San patted and rubbed his back to comfort him. He suddenly remembered the pacifier and so he pushed it between Hongjoong's lips, the latter letting out a small sigh as he did so.
"I know, I know. I hear you, little prince." San said. "This is super scary for you, isn't it?" He asked. Hongjoong nodded, his breath finally slowing down a bit, yet he still hiccupped every few seconds. "It's scary, but you're safe with me, alright, darling?" San said. Hongjoong nodded again and sniffled.
"Tank yous, Sannie." Joong said, voice muffled by both San's shoulder and the pacifier in his mouth. They stayed there for a bit, San quietly hushing Hongjoong until he'd finally stopped crying.
"You're regressing, aren't you?" He asked once Hongjoong had finished. Hongjoong pulled away and grabbed his blanket, trying to cover himself once again. San stopped him, placing a hand on his shoulder. "It's alright, Joongie, you don't need to hide. I understand." He said. Joong looked away, face tear stained and tired.
"Yous... Don't hate Joongie?" The older boy asked. San shook his head and tsked.
"No, sunshine, absolutely not." He said. He knew he couldn't keep it a secret at this point, so he decided to let it go. "I... do it too, it's alright." He told him hesitantly. Hongjoong's eyes widened and he smiled.
"Really?" He asked excitedly. His tears were practically gone by then. All shock and dread dissipated as Hongjoong heard those four words. "So, so, m not weird?" He asked.
"Not to me, no, not at all." San said, laying a hand on Hongjoong's shoulder and giving it a reassuring squeeze. "Do you want me to explain it to them, little one?" He asked. Hongjoong looked around to see Yunho and Seongwha staring at them. He looked back to San and nodded hesitantly, grabbing onto San's hand.
"Can't do it alone, Sannie." He said quietly. San smiled at him and rubbed his back, pushing him forward a bit to sit on the couch.
"Sannie will help you, don't worry." He said, sitting down next to the boy. Hongjoong sat down with his legs crossed and his stuffie on his lap. With one hand, he held onto San's. Yunho leaned over to Seongwha.
"What's going on?" He whispered. Seongwha shrugged and looked back to San and Hongjoong.
"I don't know, he's acting like a baby." He whispered back. San sighed and looked up.
"Yeah, it's confusing, I know." He said. "First things first, what hyung is doing is not a kink. So don't get the wrong idea about it." San began. Seongwha nodded, looking like he understood. "What it's called is age regression. Sometimes when things get stressful, people like hyung and I will assume the mindset of a younger age. It could be eight or even one depending on the person." He explained.
"So, like a safe headspace?" Yunho asked. San nodded and Hongjoong did as well. San went into the psychology of it, explaining more as Yunho asked more questions. He explained the dynamics of a caregiver and a little when Yunho asked, explaining boundaries and how to treat a little. Yunho was intrigued, throwing many questions at San, wanting to know exactly how to treat a regressor and what he could do to help. Seongwha, on the other hand, decided he'd understood enough, and turned his attention to Hongjoong, who was hiding behind San.
"Why are you still awake this late, little Joongie? You've already had your milk, shouldn't you be in bed?" He asked. Hongjoong looked a bit surprised by how natural Seongwha was acting. He looked down and pouted.
"A-a nightmare... N didn wanna bother no one so was gonna watch some shows." Hongjoong explained, tears dusting his eyes as he thought about his frightening dream. Seongwha cooed, pouting a bit.
"Oh, that's no good, baby boy, come here." Seongwha said, opening his arms for Hongjoong. Hongjoong accepted his embrace, quickly making his way over and engulfing him in a warm hug. He felt immediately calmed in Seongwha's hug. Yunho glanced at the two, surprised at how nonchalant they were acting, but continued his conversation with San.
"So you do it as well?" He asked. San nodded. "How young do you typically drop to?" San thought for a bit, fidgeting with his hands. He looked over to see Hongjoong sitting on Seongwha's lap. Seeing this, he wanted to regress as well.
"U-um usually only four to eight. Sometimes younger when 'm really stressed." He said, clearing his throat. Yunho nodded. He watched as San kept looking back to Hongjoong.
"If you need to regress, that's alright." Yunho told him. "I'm willing to try and take care of you." San's face flushed and he nodded.
"I think I'm okay now, but I'll let you know if I do." He said. It was a lie, he was already doing it subconsciously, but he was embarrassed. He didn't want to show how vulnerable he could be to his hyungs.
"Hongjoong, baby, do you want some warm milk?" Seongwha asked, his chin on Joong's shoulder. Hongjoong gasped and nodded rapidly.
"Please!" He exclaimed. Seongwha nodded and moved the boy off of his lap before standing up. Hongjoong grabbed his hand as they walked down to the kitchen. I wan some... San thought to himself. Apparently he'd made his thoughts obvious, because Yunho was now giving him attention.
"What's with the pout, Sannie?" He asked softly. San hadn't even noticed himself pouting. He gasped and stopped, shaking his head, trying to neutralize his expression. But as he watched Seonghwa and Joong walk away, he couldn't help but want attention, resulting in the pout coming right back.
"N-nothing." He said quietly. Yunho could tell there was something wrong, so he wasn't about to just drop it. Perhaps San was trying to stop himself from regressing? Yunho didn't want him to do that. He wanted San to trust him and feel comfortable being small around him. He scooted over closer to San and offered his arms to him. San took the hug without hesitation.
"Why are you trying to fight it, darling? Just let Seonghwa and I take care of you." Yunho said. San nodded and hugged him tighter.
"Ok, I won't fight it no more." San said with a small sigh. He looked up at Yunho with pleading eyes.
"What do you want, sweetheart?" He asked. The pet names made San melt.
"Can Sannie have some warm milk too?" San asked. Yunho ruffled his hair and nodded. He was surprised at how well mannered San was in this state. It was sort of adorable, he couldn't help but smile.
"Of course, baby boy. Let's go get you some, alright?" Yunho said, ruffling his hair and standing up. He held out his hand to San and the little quickly grabbed it, letting Yunho guide him into the kitchen. "We're gonna need a second order of warm milk, hyung." Yunho chuckled as they entered the room. The two sat down at the island in the middle of the kitchen. Seonghwa tilted his head and looked towards San.
"So now we don't just have one baby boy, we have two!" He exclaimed. Seonghwa pinched San's cheeks, cooing at him as he scrunched his nose in discontent. "Feeling small, Sannie?" San nodded and Seonghwa gasped. "Perfect timing!" He turned away and headed to where Shiber was hanging up to dry. "Shiber is all clean and dry, all ready for you, little one." He told San, handing him the stuffed animal. San reached out and hugged the stuffie to his chest immediately.
"Thank yous so much, daddy!" San squealed, tightly hugging the stiffed animal. He looked to Seonghwa whose face had stilled. Noticing his err, San felt his face go white and he shook his head quickly. "Wait, no, I meant hyung. 'M sorry, meant to say hyung." He clarified. Seonghwa shook his head and smiled softly at the little.
"No, no, it's alright, Sannie. I can be daddy." Seonghwa said, looking back between San and Hongjoong. "Right, Joong?" He asked. Hongjoong nodded, sitting down at the island with Yunho.
"So is ok if I call yous daddy?" San asked. Seonghwa nodded and patted his head.
"Of course!" He reassured. San turned to Yunho as Seonghwa turned away to finish his job. San looked at him with curious eyes.
"Hyung," San started, grabbing Yunho's attention. The older boy hummed as a response. "Can Sannie call yous dada?" San asked shyly, his voice faltering as the sentence continued. Yunho's cheeks dusted pink and he giggled, a small smile forming on his lips.
"Yes, sweetheart, anything you're comfy with." Yunho told him. San smiled and sat down next to him. Once Seonghwa had finished warming up the two little's milk, he placed it in front of them in sippy cups. He knew the baby bottle was Hongjoong's, as the little was carrying it around earlier, but he simply assumed the lone sippy cup in the cupboard was San's. With San's reaction, he could tell he wasn't wrong.
"What about you, Joongie, darling?" Seonghwa asked, leaning over the counter to push Hongjoong's hair out of his face. "Do you have anything specific you wanna call us?" Hongjoong didn't answer, only opening his mouth to which no noise came out. He let out a little huff and hummed, shaking his head. Seonghwa was confused. He couldn't tell what Hongjoong was trying to communicate; Hongjoong could tell, and so he tried his best to form words.
"Um... n-no talk." Was all he said. Seonghwa turned to San, visibly confused. San looked at Hongjoong, who just kept drinking his milk, trying to keep as quiet as possible so he didn't have to say anything.
"I think Joongie too small. When too small, can't talk." San explained. Seonghwa nodded and turned back to Hongjoong, who nodded.
"How small do you feel, lovely?" Seonghwa asked. Joong held up one finger. "And you, Sannie?" Seonghwa said, turning his head to see San holding up four fingers. Seonghwa nodded.
"You two are too tiny to be up so late." Yunho said. "Once you're finished your milk, it's bedtime." He told them. San nodded, having no issue with it as he was feeling a bit sleepy. However, Hongjoong let out a gasp and shook his head.
"Nuh uh!" He whined. He held his stuffie, tightly to his chest as tears came to his eyes. When Yunho saw this, he felt a pang in his heart. He didn't want to see Joong cry again.
"Oh, that's right, you wanted to watch a show, didn't you?" Yunho remembered. The tears went away and Hongjoong nodded. "What do you wanna watch, bun?" Hongjoong hummed, letting himself think.
"Dragon." He said quietly. Yunho nodded.
"Alrighty then, daddy and I will get it started." Yunho said. Hongjoong nodded, a smile creeping onto his face. He held out his arms as Yunho stood up, making grabby hands at the latter. "Up?" Yunho asked. Hongjoong nodded and so Yunho picked him up, letting Joong sling his arms around his neck as he carried him.
Seonghwa grabbed Hongjoong's bottle and held San's hand as they headed back into the living room. Hongjoong layed his head down on Seonghwa's lap while Seonghwa fed him with the bottle. Yunho fumbled around with the t.v, San clinging to his side, as he flipped on the show. He looked down at San who was watching the t.v intently, extremely invested in the episode.
Yunho was happy he'd learnt something new about both Hongjoong and San. He felt a bit closer with San, happy that San could trust him this way. San was happy as well. Not only had he gotten to finally regress, but now he had a warm and welcoming environment to do so. He was also excited to now have a little friend to regress with. It made him feel a bit better about his headspace and coping mechanisms, especially since it was someone so admirable like Hongjoong.
San smiled to himself and moved in closer to Yunho, burying his head in the older boys chest. Yunho brought a hand up to the regressor's head and began brushing his hair through his fingers. San could feel all of his stress and worries melt away under Yunho's touch. He melted into his embrace and let himself begin to drift off to sleep.
Only thoughts of the three boys surrounding him was occupying his mind, filling him with a feeling of joy and peace. As the sea of sleep slowly claimed him, he silently thanked god for his fellow members.