Archive of Our Own

It started with a red string.

Evan Buckley was seven years old when he first saw a thin piece of string, coloured brilliantly red from his neighbour’s left pinky finger travelling inside her house. He couldn’t see through brick though, so he tilted his head in wonder, watching as the string seemed to be swaying along with the gentle breeze in a tune all on its own. Seven-year-old Evan didn’t understand what the string was, and why his neighbour didn’t seem the least bit bothered that it was so very long and currently wrapping itself around the wheels of the trash bin she was rolling out. Why wasn’t she tripping over it? So, like the curious child he was, Evan started to venture closer to his neighbour and reached out to test what the string would feel like in his hands.

“Evan?”

Evan looked up to see his neighbour looking at him in confusion, her eyes venturing to his outstretched hand that currently held the delicate piece of string between his small child’s index finger and thumb.

“What…are you doing?” His neighbour asked, eyebrows furrowed in confusion, and Evan blinked his baby blue eyes at her, grinning as he proudly lifted the string between his fingers.

“You have a lot of red string Mrs. Hazel!” Evan laughed, and Mrs. Hazel seemed even more confused, her eyes darting around before frowning.

“Red string? There isn’t any red string…?” Mrs. Hazel trailed off, her expression showing the human version of a question mark. Evan frowned.

There clearly was a piece of red string dangling from her left pinky finger, tied tightly in a neat heart and connected to something in her house, how could she not see that? The string was even being tugged every so often, surly Mrs. Hazel would at least feel that?

“Yes, there is! There’s heaps of it and it’s going towards-“

“Evan!”

Evan spun around to see his mother making her way towards him, her expression a little frantic. Evan frowned, confused why his mother suddenly pulled him to her chest and watched as she chuckled nervously at Mrs. Hazel.

“I’m so sorry Diane, my son seemed to have brought his imagination games outside, sorry for disturbing you.” Evan frowned, about to deny that fact but his mother cut him off with a sharp look that had him holding his tongue.

He knew better than to disobey his mother.

Mrs. Hazel slowly smiled, waving a hand to brush off the apology.

“Quite alright, Sarah. Kids will be kids; their imaginations are truly otherworldly.” Mrs. Hazel chuckled, and waved in farewell before heading to her house, when the door opened, and Evan’s eyes widened.

Because that red string from Mrs. Hazel’s pinky was connected to the man who just opened the door to let her in, Mr. Hazel.

“Come on Evan, let’s go back inside.” Evan took his mother’s hand obediently but peered at his neighbours one last time to see Mr. Hazel give Mrs. Hazel a kiss on the cheek and Mrs. Hazel’s smile turn from polite when she was talking to them to something soft. His eyes widened in wonder as the previously normal coloured red string seemed to glow, almost sparkling in the sunlight. He wanted to see more of what was going to happen but by then, they had entered their own house and Evan followed his mother to the couch, where she sat him down and went to kneel in front of him. There was a moment of silence, and Evan fidgeted every so often, wondering if he did something wrong that made his mother so quiet. Finally, his mother looked him in the eyes and asked him a question.

“Evan, did you say that you saw a red string?”

Evan immediately brightened, nodding enthusiastically. His mother believed him!

“Yes mama, it was tied to Mrs. Hazel’s pinky and I thought she would trip over it because it was so long, but she didn’t! Oh! And it’s connected to Mr. Hazel! The string even glowed brighter when they walked closer to each other!” Evan said excitedly, and his mother ducked her head slightly, a small smile on her lips.

“Evan, I want you to listen to me very carefully.”

Evan Buckley was seven years old when his vision for the red string of fate came to life. His mother had talked with him for hours that day, explaining to him what he saw, why he saw what he saw, and how he should never breathe a word to a single soul about what he saw.

“So…Maddie can’t see it either? But she’s my sister!” Evan frowned, feeling how unfair it was, and his mother chuckled.

“Yes sweetheart, Maddie can’t see it. Only one sibling of two can, and it’s been in our family for generations. I know it’ll be a little hard at first, getting used to seeing it everywhere and forgetting that you don’t need to step over them as they’re not exactly real real, but soon enough you’ll get used to it.” Evan hung on to his mother’s every word, the idea of something extraordinary like strings of fate made his seven-year-old self’s curiosity skyrocket. It was just so cool! Everyone had someone in the world they were fated to be with, someone they were meant to spend the rest of their lives with, in love and happy just like Mr. and Mrs. Hazel.

He was still too young to understand that the red string of fate was more complicated than his seven-year-old mind made it out to be, that love was far more complex than a simple fated partner and a happily ever after.

Evan Buckley looked down at his own left pinky and frowned in confusion when his finger didn’t have a piece of red string hanging off it. He looked at his mother’s left pinky and his frown grew deeper when he saw that she didn’t have one either.

“Mama, why don’t you and I have the red string? We can see our own, right?” Evan asked tentatively, and watched as his mother’s smile dimmed, the proud smile turning a touch sad.

“Because honey, we don’t have someone we’re fated to. Since we are able to see the string of fate, we do not get one ourselves. It’s a strict rule.” Evan fell silent, taking in what his mother was telling him, and couldn’t help but ask-

“Is that why daddy left?” Evan whispered, and his mother closed her eyes briefly, before getting up from her kneeling position on the ground in front of him to sitting on the couch beside him, pulling Evan to her chest in a tight hug.

“Your dad…loved you both very much. But he met his fated partner, and Evan, being fated to someone is very, very powerful. He wasn’t happy here anymore, and we can’t blame him for that.” His mother said softly, and Evan clutched his small hands tighter on her blouse, remembering that night when he was supposed to be asleep and dad left, leaving his mother standing by the doorway, her eyes seemingly lost in a trance.

He was still too young to understand everything completely, but he knew that he never wanted to see the amount of pain that sunk his mother’s eyes that night ever again. And now, he knew that to spare himself from that pain, love was not an option for him.

It didn’t seem too difficult at the time, his seven-year-old mind so resolved that he would just never fall in love.

If he could tell his seven-year-old self at that time to guard his heart in lock and key against warm brown eyes and a brilliant smile, he was sure life would have gone just fine.

Because then he wouldn’t have fallen in love with Eddie Diaz.

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Years passed, and before he knew it, Evan Buckley turned to Buck and he found himself a family within the 118. But no matter how many years have passed, Buck never really got used to seeing red string absolutely everywhere, tangled on the streets, hanging off lampposts, drifting in the water, dangling down ceilings…it was like there was nowhere left to walk. Buck unconsciously made to step over a heap of string before tripping midair, forgetting yet again that the strings had no corporal form, and ignored the badly hidden snickers from his team around him.

“You good there, Buckaroo?” Chimney snickered, and Buck glared at him with no heat in his gaze, grumbling.

“Fine, thanks.” Buck replied dryly, and Hen clapped him on the shoulder.

“It’s not Buck without him tripping over himself a few times everyday.” Hen laughed, ducking when Buck swatted at her half-heartedly, the other members of his team watching in various states of amusement. Even Bobby looked like he was one second away from grinning.

“Don’t we have work to do?” Buck pouted, and Bobby smiled, deciding to bring him out of his misery.

“Buck, grab the jaws of life. Eddie, check on the driver and see if she’s still talking. Hen, Chim-“

“-get ready for anything medical, got it Cap.” Hen finished, and Bobby smiled in approval as they hurried to the victim, who had forgotten that she had put the car in reverse and backed up into a tight alleyway with no way to get out. She didn’t seem to be too heavily injured, just a lot shaken up, and Buck moved quickly to pry the vehicle open and with Eddie’s help, soon enough, she was on a stretcher and getting checked by Hen and Chimney. Buck couldn’t help but notice the red string from her pinky, lifting his gaze to see it linked to a man who was currently walking down the street with a child in his arms, a beautiful woman linked to his other. The child was gesturing widely, seeming to be telling a story and the man’s eyes were warm with affection. The red string on the child was floating towards the sky, while the string on the woman was leading away from the man she was linking arms with. The man’s gaze, however brief, shifted to the scene to see the woman on the stretcher being wheeled into the ambulance before landing on his child and partner again, the family passing by in mere minutes.

Two fated individuals, passing by each other without a care in the world, never even knowing the other existed.

And Buck once again, felt his chest squeeze painfully.

It was moments like these that Buck really hated that he could just…see everything.

“Hey, are you alright?”

Buck startled slightly and turned to see Eddie watching him carefully, his sexier than they should be eyebrows furrowed worriedly and Buck really didn’t like that expression on the man he lov-on his best friend.

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m good.” Buck knew he was smiling as reassuringly as he could, but he could see that Eddie didn’t seem to believe him fully, though he still didn’t push, which Buck appreciated.

Because he really didn’t know how he would explain himself otherwise.

Years of observation since that day when he was seven had him learning quite a few things from the red string of fate. For instance, if two people connected by the red string of fate started a relationship, the knot on their pinky fingers turned into a heart instead of a normal bowtie. He learned that particular information when Maddie and Chimney got together, and instead of the normal bowtie around his sister’s pinky it turned into a full-on heart and had him choking on his own spit at how cheesy this entire concept was. For strings that stretched into the sky and disappearing, it meant that the fated partners were separated by a large distance, possibly countries apart from one another. Strings that hung broken off and dull meant that their soulmate had passed away, but the string had the possibility of re-connecting to someone new. Buck wasn’t really sure how that worked, but fate was complicated, and he saw first-hand when the broken red string on a pinky of a stranger standing beside him on the crosswalk suddenly burst to life and stretched far and wide once again. He also witnessed up close the love story of Bobby and Athena, saw how their broken red strings slowly grew back to life and connecting them to each other.

Then, there were the strings that were barely hanging on by a thread.

That meant that the two people never had the opportunity to meet each other, and that their connection could only hold so much strain. The string would eventually break and if both individuals were happy staying in their own separate lives, their string would just hang broken and frayed without ever reconnecting with someone else ever again. This case was extremely rare, but a possibility, nonetheless. Doug’s had sort of been like that, but in all honesty, Buck had never seen someone’s string more frayed than his was. His red string couldn’t even be called a string with the state it was in; it was like fate had given up on him and left a mess in its confusion. Buck had warned Maddie about it, getting a bad vibe just from the string, but his sister had been so in love, too in love to care, and even though Buck saw that her string was leading away from Doug, he didn’t have the heart to voice it out loud. It took time, but the day that Maddie finally left him, and he found her in his apartment, Buck couldn’t find it in himself to be mad at her. Even if he could he truly couldn’t, because he simply froze when he saw the state her own red string was in.

Delicate, fragile, so immeasurably dull as it flowed gently in the air, as if moments away from drifting away.

The strings didn’t typically come loose, but if the person had been left truly heartbroken, and had given up on feeling anything for anyone, then Buck had yet to see what would happen, but he guessed that it wouldn’t be pretty.

“Is it… still there?” Maddie whispered, her lips wobbling at her own stuttered words, terrified of the answer. Buck smiled sadly, and sat down beside her on the couch, making sure to keep a respectable distance between them to give her space.

“Yeah. Yeah, it is. You are so strong Maddie, there’s no way it wouldn’t still be there.” Buck said gently, and for the first time in years, they held each other in each other’s arms, grounding themselves.

“Love you, little bro.”

“Right back at you.”

He would forever deny it, but he had felt joyous tears in his eyes when the string on his sister’s finger was slowly revived to a brilliant red again when she met Chimney, and as much as he loved to tease them, he was grateful that his sister had found the person that she was meant to be with for the rest of her life.

Buck glanced down at his own left pinky, seeing the familiar bare finger staring back at him. Some days mockingly, other days, a reminder.

Love was never, and will never be, an option for him.

Buck looked up from his spot on the couch, the team taking a break between calls, and watched as Eddie chatted with Hen, lips tilting up in amusement at something Hen had said.

Buck had seen many types of strings, from Abby’s string that stretched miles high into the sky of endless possibilities, to Ali’s string that sat broken and frayed. He had seen the strings of strangers as they walked past him with various life stories; of vibrant, dull, even tattered red strings that left him with questions he wasn’t sure he wanted answered.

Eddie’s string was different.

As much as he tried not to, Buck always felt his eyes drifting to the pinky of Eddie’s left hand, only to see the same sight he’s seen for the past two years.

A broken red string tied neatly on his finger on one end, the other flowing and disappearing in thin air.

The first day they met, Buck couldn’t remember the last time someone had made his heart physically stutter like it had as he watched Eddie putting his LAFD shirt on in slow motion. As always, his eyes drifted to the left pinky, and almost tripped in place when the string wasn’t anything like he’s seen before. It was broken, but not frayed. Flowing, but also disappearing into nothing.

It was like…the string itself was having difficulty connecting to the person on the other side of it.

Of course, Buck brushed it off as the person just living across the continent or something, because Eddie had Shannon, and although Shannon’s string was broken and dull, Buck could see how much Eddie cared about her.

How much they cared for each other.

Each had their own misgivings, but in the end, in a sense, they would always be family. Buck really hated himself for realizing that his heart just had to beat a touch faster in Eddie’s presence, that his cheeks just couldn’t seem to control themselves whenever Eddie touched him, how his heart felt like bursting out of his chest whenever he laughed at something he said, just...

He hated how much he was starting to love him.

Scratch that.

He hated how much he absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt loved this man.

Buck also wasn’t completely oblivious, much to his own surprise really.

Months after Shannon died, and maybe even a little before that, he had noticed the look in Eddie’s eyes whenever he looked at him.

Buck recognized that look, because it was the same look he saw in the mirror of Eddie’s bathroom whenever he stayed over, because it was the exact same look he had when he looked at Eddie.

But his mother’s words always came back to him during those moments he felt his feelings getting out of control, like that time during a call when Eddie roughly pulled him back before he stepped into a sinkhole, distracted by the red strings around him. How his heartrate sped up as Eddie breathed an ‘idiota’ right next to his ears, making goosebumps appear along the back of his neck as he tried his best not to shiver. Or that time when Buck forgot, yet again, that he didn’t need to step over the piles of red string at a scene and stumbled right into Eddie’s arms, who held him tightly to steady him on instinct, even though they were both shocked at how close their faces had gotten.

“Because honey, we don’t have someone we’re fated to. Since we are able to see the string of fate, we do not get one ourselves. It’s a strict rule.”

Whenever Buck felt so close to teetering to the edge, to say the three words he had held onto for so long on his tongue, to just shove Eddie against a locker and place their lips together, for giving in when Eddie’s rough hands handled his waist during their drawn-out hugs, he repeated his mother’s words like a mantra in his mind.

“…Evan, being fated to someone is very, very powerful. He wasn’t happy here anymore, and we can’t blame him for that.”

Eddie had a fated partner.

Someone, his soulmate was connected to the end of that peculiar red string on his finger, and Buck was not going to ruin that. He wouldn’t be able to forgive himself if he did, because Eddie deserved to be happy.

Happy with someone who could never be him.

What was the point of falling in love, when love just wasn’t enough in the presence of fate?

Every time Buck grew the courage to voice his thoughts out loud, the harsh truth of reality would be louder. Because being fated to someone was powerful, as his mother had said, and once someone met their fated person, nobody else could even begin to compare.

Buck would rather drown himself in his own feelings than voice them out loud and have them thrown back at him when that fated person entered Eddie’s life. There was always a chance of them never meeting, but that risk wasn’t something Buck had the heart in him to take.

Because the day they did meet, Buck couldn’t bear to see that sparkle in Eddie’s eyes slowly fade when he looked at him, to see the warm brown eyes he loved so dearly to barely spare him a glance, for his gentle hands to hesitate before they touched each other.

He didn’t want to feel what his mother felt the day and years after that when his father left.

Buck knew, that he would never fall in love with anyone like he has with Eddie Diaz. All those hook-ups were wake-up calls, a reminder of how the only intimate affection he would ever be able to receive were from a warm body at night.

And never the same body twice.

Being entranced with Abby had made him forget for a while about his own fate, made him want to be better than he was during Buck 1.0, but the red string never lies. With every hook-up he had, he would always see the red string leading away from him, a virtual slap in the face as they showed him over and over again of his position in life. Being with Abby made him want to be a better person, but the continuous visual of that red string on her left pinky finger drifting up and away into the sky had him holding back because he knew that in the end, fate would win. And sure enough, after Abby’s mother passed away and she decided to get out and explore the world, the familiar pit in his stomach opened up yet, another chasm. He didn’t blame Abby, for there truly was no reason left for her to stay.

Because he certainly wasn’t one.

That didn’t mean he couldn’t be happy for her, because he was, seeing the occasional posts of her on social media living her life to the fullest. It wasn’t like her string would ever connect to him, so he didn’t really lose someone he never truly had in the first place.

Then, there was Ali.

Her red string was broken and frayed, signifying the fact that she was happy with the way her life was now, and that she would most likely never meet her true soulmate because her other half was also happy wherever they were in life. Dating Ali was carefree, and Buck experienced for the first time in his life how it felt to be with someone with no expectations since they couldn’t see each other that often anyway. For once, he truly thought that being with Ali could possibly have him moving on from Eddie, because it seemed easier to love someone attachment free than to love someone who would, in the end, love someone else. What he hadn’t expected in the equation was that he had completely fallen head over heels for Eddie long before his heart could stop him, and that love was harder to ignore the further he wanted to drift apart. He knew that him and Ali would most likely not last, if not for his complicated feelings, then for her love for being independent. As expected, they broke up soon after, however deciding to remain friends, because they both knew that their hearts weren’t in the same place as the other. It was after Ali that Buck truly realized that he would never be able to move on from falling in love with Eddie Diaz, that he had already dug himself a hole deep enough that he couldn’t, wouldn’t, didn’t want to dig himself out of, no matter how hard he tried to do the opposite. His love for Eddie was stronger than the brightest flame that he could ever come across in a fire, because even without oxygen it didn’t seem to be able to ever burn out. The acceptance he felt of his love for his best friend made him realize that just because he didn’t have an ‘other half’ in this lifetime, didn’t mean that he had to force himself to pretend he didn’t want to fall to love.

Because he did, fall in love, even though he swore he wouldn’t, and this love would never be something he was willing to risk losing his best friend for if it meant that he would just have to live his life being in love with Eddie, and having it stay as just that.

He could never ask for anything more.

And that thought alone would always be enough to stop his lips from forming the three words he had been yearning to say for a long time now.

Because having Eddie in his life was more than he could ever ask for, he didn’t need anything more.

“Buck.”

Buck was shaken out of his thoughts by a familiar voice and threw on a small smile when he saw Eddie standing before him, looking worried.

“What’s up?” Buck pushed away all other clouds in his mind to focus on the man standing before him and watched as Eddie’s brows furrowed slightly.

“I’ve been calling you for a while now, got something on your mind?” Eddie asked, and Buck felt his smile dim minutely before he shook his head.

“Nah, just lost in my thoughts. Did you need me for something?” Buck asked, patting the space beside him for Eddie to sit, and his best friend took it, their thighs just lightly brushing against each other at the movement.

Buck chose to ignore how his heart betrays him every single time.

“Christopher wanted to go to the aquarium this weekend, but after I bought us tickets, one of his international friends invited him over for a sleepover on that very day before they have to go back. I said it was fine, that he should go to the sleepover, that we could always go to the aquarium another time, but he told me that I should go to the aquarium anyway, not let the tickets go to waste…and to bring his Bucky.” Eddie smiled fondly at the end, and Buck blinked, surprise flooding through him.

Christopher...really said that?

“So? What do you say? Feel like going to the aquarium with me this weekend?” Eddie asked, and Buck wasn’t aware that his brain could practically swim in his skull from the unexpected landslide thrown at him.

Eddie…well, technically Christopher wanted him to accompany Eddie to the aquarium this weekend, just the two of them, absolutely alone, and Eddie…was fine with that?

“Are…you sure?” Buck was still wide-eyed, stunned, and Eddie rolled his eyes, a small smile playing on his lips.

“I wouldn’t be asking if I wasn’t, Buck. So? What do you say?” Eddie smiled, and Buck felt a flair of uncertainty welling up in his gut. It wasn’t like they never went out together to have fun, but they usually had Christopher with them, and that usually tampered down his urge to kiss the man.

But with just the two of them…

“…Unless you’re busy? Because it’s fine if you are, this is in no way an obligation or-“ Buck couldn’t bear the look of panic and disappointment in Eddie’s eyes who deserved to look nothing but happy and cut him off before the fellow fireman dug himself a hole he couldn’t dig out of.

“I’m in.”

Eddie paused, brown eyes watching him carefully, before the words seemed to process in his mind. Buck watched as a large grin made its way on his lips, and felt his own lips mirroring it unconsciously.

“Great! I’ll pick you up, how does 10 sound?” Eddie asked, and Buck raised an eyebrow, amused.

“What are we, 15?” Buck teased, and Eddie chuckled, reaching forward to gently clap him on the shoulder.

“Humour me.” Eddie murmured, and Buck wondered if his voice had gotten a little deeper, if he was just imagining it when Eddie’s light brown eyes seemed to darken.

“10 is perfect.”

Because really, what else could he say?

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.

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If anyone asked him which moment in life he would like to go back and change, to reverse so that it never happened, to erase it completely from history, it would probably be this moment, right now.

His feet pounding on the ground as he ran, barely mindful of the crowd and his heart racing erratically in his chest. Everything else blurring past him, because the only thing he could see clearly right now was when Eddie leaned in and kissed him, and he had kissed back, only to realize what he was doing and shoved him off, not even offering an explanation and muttering apologies as he just…ran.

And to think the day had started off so well.

As promised, Eddie showed up at his door at 10:00 sharp, making him roll his eyes good naturedly at his army habits, and they had driven in a comfortable silence towards the aquarium, with him fiddling with the radio and Eddie letting him. They walked along the exhibits, learning about the ones they weren’t familiar with, and Buck felt himself falling in love all over again as Eddie patiently kept up with him as he explored everything, not once complaining when he wanted to see the same exhibit again.

Walking beside him, their hands swinging freely between their bodies, shoulders angled towards one another, Buck felt a rush of warmth he refused to acknowledge.

It felt like a date.

“Don’t you think Bobby reminds you of a pufferfish?” Buck commented absently, watching as said fish swam by them in the gallery and glanced over at his companion at the snort that greeted him, watching as Eddie’s eyes danced with amusement.

“A pufferfish? Really?” Eddie raised an eyebrow, and Buck grinned.

“He’s prickly.” Buck joked, and Eddie laughed, his head shaking at him fondly.

“So, what would Athena be?” Eddie mused, and Buck’s grin turned mischievous.

“A clownfish obviously.” Buck answered without hesitation, and Eddie blinked in shock before laughing loudly.

“I’m going to tell her you said that.” Eddie smirked, and Buck felt cold chills trickle down his spine.

Oh hell no.

“Please don’t. I don’t want to die before I see Christopher get married.” Buck groaned, and Eddie smiled softly, leaning sideways so that he propped himself against the viewing glass.

Buck ignored how his heart fluttered at how beautiful Eddie looked right now, the bluish hue from the water illuminating his outline, seeming to make his eyes sparkle even more than they already do. Even the colourful fish were swimming circles around him, because obviously even the fish had good taste in men.

“Bold of you to assume I’m going to let him out of my sight.” Eddie raised an eyebrow, and Buck couldn’t help a snort.

“Please, you and I both know you’re more doting than you think, if Christopher meets the love of his life then you will raise hell to make sure he gets his happy ending.” Buck smiled, remembering the red string on Christopher’s finger drifting off, but interestingly enough, not towards the sky, so his soulmate was actually somewhere nearby. He moved to lean against the display beside Eddie, starting to be aware of the fact that other than a few other people, they were the only ones in this particular exhibit.

Intriguing, because the betta fish exhibit was probably one of the most popular ones indicated on the brochure, and yet, the closest family to them were immersed on a tank more than a little way away.

“You know, seeing Christopher get married is going to be well into the future.” Buck tilted his head towards Eddie as he spoke, noticing that he hadn’t taken his eyes off him, and as usual, his heart couldn’t seem to shut up.

“Do…you not see me being in his future?” Buck felt himself ask quietly, a little uncertain, because depending on Eddie’s answer, there was a high chance he would never be able to face the man again.

Being able to see Christopher’s wedding, was probably another twenty or so years, and that was a long time to stay in someone’s life. Buck wanted nothing more than to be a part of two of the most important people in his life other than his sister and the crew at the 118, but…decades into the future is truly a long time. And a big deal.

“That’s not what I meant.” Eddie said softly, and Buck couldn’t find it in himself to move when Eddie stepped closer, giving up on his propped up position against the display beside him to stand in front of him, lifting an arm to place on the display behind Buck, leaning so close that Buck could practically see the reflection of the fish swimming behind him in Eddie’s eyes.

It wasn’t the first time he had been pressed to a hard surface intimately, hell, in the years of his Buck 1.0 he was pretty sure he had been pressed against any surface you can think of, and enjoyed every moment of it, but this…

This was different.

For one, Buck wasn’t sure he was even breathing.

They stared at each other, neither of them able to look away and Buck felt his eyelids flutter at the oh so gentle touch of Eddie’s hand that moved up to cup his jaw, thumb running over his mentolabial sulcus, shivering as he felt the tip of his thump sweep over his lower lip.

There was a moment, that Buck truly forgot.

Forgot all about the string of fate, about soulmates, about that damn red string hanging off Eddie’s pinky finger he had to see every single minute of every single day.

So when Eddie closed the last bit of distance between them, when their lips finally touched, Buck closed his eyes, reaching out his hands to grip at Eddie’s shirt just below his ribcage to pull him in further, gasping quietly as Eddie practically draped himself over him, shoving him further against the glass display as they really kissed. He was pretty sure what they were doing would scar anyone’s eyes if they happened to look over, but he could really care less right now as he felt the hand that Eddie had placed on the display case move to his hip to tug him even closer, and Buck felt himself practically drowning in Eddie Diaz’s kisses.

All those years of pent up longing and yearning for his best friend made everything else become white noise as he focussed solely on the feel of Eddie against him, the gentle hands on his neck and waist, at how warm everything was. They broke their kiss reluctantly to catch their breath, and while Eddie didn’t seem to understand that concept as he immediately leaned in again to kiss his jaw, down his throat, Buck tilted his head to give him more room to work and happened to see the red string hanging off of Eddie’s finger.

“…we do not get one ourselves. It’s a strict rule.”

And just like that, Buck felt himself freeze. Suddenly, the hands that had been so warm just a moment ago turned into ice-picks, and without thinking, he shoved Eddie away, feeling his blood turn to ice as he realized what he had just done.

“Buck? What are-is something wrong?” Eddie breathed, his eyes still a little unfocused from their kiss, and Buck couldn’t breathe again, this time for an entirely different reason.

He messed up.

Really, really messed up.

“I-“ Buck winced when his voice cracked, and noticed Eddie tensing, as if realizing that something really wasn’t right, and Buck couldn’t be here right now.

He really, really just couldn’t be here right now.

“I’m sorry.” Buck could barely even make out what he was saying through the lump in his throat, and before Eddie could even begin to question him, he felt his feet stumble into a run, his only instinct being ‘get out of here right now.’

Which led him to where he was now, leaning against the wall of a nearby alleyway and staring at how bare his fingers were.

He had never hated anything more in the moment, than the familiar scene of the absence of a red string from his left hand.

Buck shakily reached into his pocket to take out his phone, and trembled as he pushed call on the one name he wanted to see more than anything else right now.

“Buck? Aren’t you supposed to be on a date with that hunky man of yours?”

If it was any day but today, he would have rolled his eyes and made a smart comeback, but all he could let out was a choked sob.

“What-Evan? Evan, where are you?”

Buck let out a wet chuckle at how worried his sister sounded through the phone and closed his eyes as he tilted his head against the wall he was leaning against in the alleyway.

“Can you…can you pick me up?” Buck asked tentatively, and there were sounds of furniture squeaking before the jingling sound of keys.

“Where are you?” Maddie repeated, and Buck described vaguely where he was, listening to Maddie’s reassuring words that she’ll be there soon, for him to take a deep breath and not to worry.

“Take an uber, you’re a terrible driver.” Buck joked weakly and ended the call before Maddie could verbally give him the middle finger, sinking down against the wall to wait.

The twenty minutes felt like a lifetime.

And the drive back felt like an eternity.

Maddie must have discretely told Chimney to leave their house for a while, because Buck was a little relieved when he didn’t see his co-worker when they entered the living room, mostly because Buck really didn’t want to see anyone at the moment. Sitting down on the couch, Buck grabbed a nearby pillow and pulled it to his chest, not even glancing over at his sister who sat a little way away from him, but fully aware of her stare as she waited for him to talk.

When he didn’t, Maddie sighed.

“Evan, we can sit like this all night, which, completely fine, or you can talk to me. I worked as an ER nurse for seven years, I have more patience than you think.” Maddie said gently, and Buck sighed, finally lifting his gaze from the pillow in his grip to his sister, who looked at him reassuringly.

“We kissed.”

In another life, another world maybe, Buck would have smiled giddily at those two words that came out of his mouth, his sister would have laughed excitedly, and they would laugh and hug each other because he had finally taken the first step in being with the man he loved.

In this life, Maddie stayed silent, her eyes shining in happiness, but face trodden with pain.

“Evan…”

“I ran. We kissed, and I ran. How could I forget, Mads?” Buck whispered, and Maddie scooted closer on the couch, laying a gentle hand on his arm. “I…I forgot about everything. The string. The fact that I don’t have a string. I forgot Maddie.” Buck felt tears slipping down his cheeks, and Maddie squeezed his arm tightly, swallowing past the lump in her own throat at the sight of her little brother experiencing the helpless feeling of wanting something so badly…that he wasn’t allowed to have.

“Evan, you didn’t forget anything. You fell in love, are still in love, and you didn’t do anything wrong.” Maddie murmured, and Buck shook his head, a small scowl forming in between his brows.

“Loving him is one thing, Maddie. I spent two years loving someone I’m not allowed to have. I can barely handle just loving him, but kissing him, making everything real…I can’t-“ Buck choked on a sob, and Maddie tugged on her little brother’s arm so that he could lay down in her lap, and Maddie could feel her heart breaking all over again at the hunched shoulders, the way he looked smaller, shouldering the burdens of the world on those strong yet still human shoulders of his.

“I’ve always hated the red string.”

Maddie ran her fingers through her brother’s hair, knowing that he was listening to her when he stiffened.

“Ever since mom told us about it after you gained the sight, I always doubted it. Why should anything in the world decide who we want to be with in life but ourselves? It didn’t seem right.” Maddie said, and Buck…didn’t know what to say. “Then Doug happened, and I was so sure that I was making the right decision because I finally felt that I was making a decision not based on some ‘red string of fate’ crap.” Maddie sighed, and Buck took her left hand in his, gently running his fingers on the red string tied on her pinky.

“Chimney was the one who made me feel like maybe the red string wasn’t as crap as I thought it was.” Maddie admitted, and Buck felt another wave of pain, remembering once again of his status in this lifetime.

“But Evan, you should know that…the red string shouldn’t dictate everything.” Maddie finished, and Buck tensed, tilting his head up to peer up at his sister, bewildered at what she was saying.

“You just said that the red string wasn’t as crap as you thought it was.” Buck raised an eyebrow, and Maddie scoffed, shaking her head.

“I know what I said, but don’t you remember? I had no idea Chimney was my soulmate when we met. You never breathed a word.” Maddie said, and Buck slowly nodded, though still a little confused on where she was going with this.

“I would never. Because I didn’t want you to force yourself to move on because the red string said so.” Buck frowned, and Maddie smiled tenderly, running a hand through his hair again.

“My point is, Buck, that even without the red string, I still would have chosen to be with Chimney, because of who he is, not because the universe thinks we’d be great together. You didn’t even tell me that our strings were connected until well into our relationship, and even then, it was a slip of the tongue.” Maddie said, and Buck winced when he remembered that one night when they decided on a sibling’s movie night in, and he had been so happy for her that he just…accidentally blurted it out loud.

“You were never planning on telling me, not unless I asked you to because you’re just that kind of person, and if you hadn’t accidentally blurted it out that night, I would still choose to be with Chimney, do you understand what I’m trying to tell you?” Maddie looked down at her brother, and Buck found himself yet again, lost for words.

It was true, what Maddie was saying. Even before she knew that her and Chimney were soulmates, she had completely fallen for the man, and vice versa. Buck could see the way their smiles softened in each other presence, the way Chimney would hang onto every word his sister said, and how she would smile brighter than ever just by being at his side.

The only difference between that and this was-

“I’m never going to be Eddie’s fated person.” Buck said quietly, turning away from her sister’s gaze to stare at the coffee table in front of them, a cold cup of coffee left unfinished glaring back at him. He hugged the pillow closer to his chest, and felt the fingers running through his hair pause. “And when his fated person comes into his life, he’ll realize he can have someone better, and I have to give him up Maddie, I-“ Buck felt a lump in his throat at the end, his voice going to a whisper,

“I don’t know if I can.”

Buck felt lithe arms wrapping around him, his sister pressing her forehead against his shaking shoulder.

“You need to tell him.”

Buck froze, swinging his head sharply, and saw that Maddie was completely serious.

“Mads, mom specifically told us that we can’t-“

“But Eddie isn’t just anyone, Evan. I know that, and you know that.” Maddie interjected gently, and Buck didn’t know what to say to that, because…she was right.

Eddie wasn’t just anyone.

“He might never want to talk to me again after today.” Buck whispered dejectedly, and Maddie smiled.

“I highly doubt that, since that man is so head over heels in love with you. You just need to take the risk.” Maddie squeezed his bicep, and Buck groaned softly.

“How do I know if this risk is worth taking?” Buck asked quietly, and Maddie tapped his arm to get him to look at her.

“When you love someone, Evan, there are always risks. There are none more worth taking than the other, because it’s not about that. It’s about whether or not you love each other enough to get through them. Together.”

.

.

.

As much as Buck wished to maybe never see Eddie again, the fact that they worked together sullied that particular thought. Which was why he found himself awkwardly walking into the 118, avoiding all eye contact with Eddie who was already there, drinking coffee on the couch.

“Buckaroo! You’re one minute earlier than usual.” Chimney made his way towards him, and Buck could see how, even though his smile was carefree, his eyes were tinged with concern, which wasn’t a surprise as Maddie had probably given him a brief overview of why she practically kicked him out of their house over the weekend.

“You say that as if I’m only ever exactly on time, or late.” Buck raised an eyebrow in a challenge, and Chimney grinned.

“Hey, you said it, not me.” Chimney teased, and Buck rolled his eyes, pretending that he couldn’t feel Eddie’s stare as he made his way to the kitchen to make his own cup of coffee, making Bobby look up from making their breakfast.

“Hey, you’re here early.” Bobby teased, and Buck groaned, leaning against the counter and sipping his mug as he hid his pout.

“Eddie’s been staring at you like a lost puppy since you came in, something you want to tell me?” Bobby asked nonchalantly, not taking his eyes off the eggs, and Buck peeked up from the rim of his mug to see Eddie not even trying to hide his blatant staring, and quickly looked back down at his coffee, noticing Bobby frown at him from the corner of his eyes.

“It’s nothing.” Buck mumbled, and Bobby raised an eyebrow, finishing the last of the eggs and turning off the stove before turning towards him, crossing his arms.

“Does nothing include why you’ve been avoiding him ever since you came in?” Bobby asked, and Buck didn’t take his eyes off his coffee, watching as the steam drifted up and disappeared into the atmosphere. He heard Bobby sigh.

“Buck-“

“Can we just…eat breakfast? Because I don’t really want to talk about it.” Buck blurted, and Bobby’s eyes widened slightly in surprise, before smiling softly.

“Okay, that’s fine, but Buck...” Bobby followed him as they worked to carry out the food to the dining table, and Buck waited for Bobby to finish his thought. “Eddie cares about you. You two care about each other. Whatever that’s happened, I have no doubt that you two will figure it out.” Bobby smiled, and Buck smiled weakly back, sitting down as Bobby called the rest of the team over. He pretended that he didn’t notice Eddie deliberately sitting down in front of him, which was why he never lifted his gaze from his food the entire time they ate breakfast. If Hen and Chimney glanced at them ever so often in confusion and concern, he just dug into his bacon and pretended not to notice.

Buck had never felt as much relief as he did when the alarm blared through the station.

It appears the universe must have taken pity on him and was somewhat working in his favour, because they had gotten call after call, working non-stop for a good six hours before they finally made it back to the station for longer than five minutes. Hen and Chimney practically collapsed onto the bunk beds, out like a light, and Bobby headed to his office to no doubt continue his paperwork he had to put off until now. Buck immediately made his way to the showers because honestly, he felt gross…and promptly forgot that there was only a one-way exit once you venture in there.

“So, is this how it’s going to be from now on?”

Buck froze in place at his locker, mentally berating himself for being so stupid as to go into the showers of all places knowing it was a one-way street instead of literally anywhere else. His mind began the dilemma of whether he should face the person who had entered behind him or pretend that he hadn’t heard anything.

The latter sounded so much better, but this was Eddie, and Buck had a really hard time going the easy path when it came to this man.

Buck closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before turning around slowly, and for the first time today, looked into the eyes of the man he had been avoiding like the plague.

The anger and frustration were expected, but Buck was slightly startled to see the soul-shattering pain that flooded in his eyes as they stared at each other.

“I kissed you Evan Buckley. I kissed you. If anyone should be running for the hills, I think it should be me. Instead, you avoid me the entire weekend, ignore my texts and my calls, can’t even bear to look at me at work. And…” Eddie trailed off, his hands curling into tight fists by his sides, and Buck lowered his eyes to the bench, the only thing currently standing in between them.

“You kissed me back.”

Buck heard more than saw Eddie step closer, the pattern of his shoes hitting the locker room floor louder than a stampede at the moment.

“I would have understood if you pushed me away because you didn’t see me like that, didn’t feel the same way I felt for you, but you kissed me back, and dammit Buck, if that isn’t confusing as hell I don’t know what is.” Eddie whispered, his voice shaking at the end, and Buck slowly looked up to see Eddie’s eyebrows knitted tightly, a hand on the lockers beside them and the other on his hip. If it had been any other day than today, Buck would have thought that he looked extremely sexy, but that was the last thing on his mind right now.

“You need to tell him.”

Maddie’s words from that night hit him like a freight train, and the longer he stared at Eddie’s heartbroken expression, at the way his shoulders drooped as he stood, the more Buck felt his resolve crumble. He glanced at his left hand, then at Eddie’s, letting the familiar pain of seeing that red string flowing away from him, and drew in a shaky breath.

“You have a soulmate.”

Those words echoed through the empty locker room louder than they should have, and steadier than Buck thought they would. He met Eddie’s gaze as he lifted his head to look at him, and he seemed…extremely confused.

Which, understandable, considering.

“I’m sorry, what are you-“

“You have a soulmate. So does Bobby, and Athena, Hen, Chimney, my sister, practically everyone in the world really. I would know…because I can see the red string.” Buck let out a breath he hadn’t noticed he had been holding, gauging Eddie’s expression carefully. He let his words sink in, but started speaking again because otherwise, he was sure he wouldn’t be able to find the courage in him to.

“I could see the red string of fate ever since I was seven, and it’s…apparently been in my family for generations. Maddie can’t, because only one of two siblings can, and that’s why I know you have a soulmate.” Buck said, and he expected Eddie to take a lot longer to wrap everything around his head because on one hand, he didn’t even expect him to believe him at all, but Eddie’s gaze turned serious.

“Are…you saying that we aren’t soulmates?” Eddie asked slowly, tentatively, and Buck felt a small smile make its way on his lips when he realized Eddie looked disappointed, but it didn’t stay on for long.

“In a sense, I guess you could say that. Because I don’t have a red string.” Buck said quietly, and Eddie stared at him, his brows furrowed in confusion.

“But you said-“

“I know what I said. Everyone does have a soulmate. But everyone doesn’t include me.” Buck ignored how badly he was holding back his emotions right now, because he just wanted Eddie to understand, and if he started to cry…then he wouldn’t be able to stop.

Reality hits you like a bitch sometimes.

“It’s a strict rule. I can see the string of fate, so I’m not allowed to have a soulmate. I’m not allowed to-“ Buck choked off, the tears in his eyes starting to blur his vision, and he took in a shaky breath.

“You can’t be with me.” Buck continued quietly, shaking his head and feeling the familiar rush of resolve as he looked at the string on Eddie’s finger, because he had been pushing away his feelings for the past two years every time he looked at that string. “And…and that’s okay. Because I know that when you meet your true soulmate, this…us, can’t happen. I’m an extra, and I’m okay with that. I can’t just-I can’t take you away from the person you’re truly meant to be with, I can’t do that.” Buck felt his lower lip tremble, feeling the tears starting to slide down his cheeks as he hastily moved to wipe them away.

He promised himself that he would never fall in love twenty years ago.

Twenty years ago, that promise had felt so easy.

“Don’t I get a say in this?”

Buck startled when a warm hand reached out to lift up his left hand, and Buck stared as Eddie looked at him tenderly with those ever expressive beautiful brown eyes of his, bringing their hands up so Eddie could gently kiss his ring finger.

If Buck had been breathing before, he sure as hell wasn’t now.

“What if I choose to be with you, because ever since that day you gave Bobby the heads up about Christopher staying at the station, my heart decided right then and there that you were special? That I can’t seem to take my eyes off of you, not that I ever want to, whenever you laugh that gorgeous laugh of yours, that whenever you hang out with Christopher and I, I find it so hard not to kiss you.” Eddie murmured, looking at Buck with such a raw emotion in his gaze that he was unable to look away.

“That I want to hold you close whenever you look like you’re going to fall asleep standing on your feet, cook you breakfast in bed so I can see your muy hermosos brilliant blue eyes sparkle in the morning light, kiss you breathless whenever you do anything remotely adorable…” Eddie stepped closer still, and Buck felt his cheeks starting to gain colour at the way Eddie was looking at him right now.

Why…how, could someone love him this much?

What did Buck do to deserve someone like Eddie Diaz?

“My mother…doesn’t have a soulmate. And my father…” Buck swallowed uncomfortably, feeling himself fidgeting slightly but still lifted his gaze to meet Eddie’s. “My father met his other half. And that was the end of everything else.” Buck furrowed his eyebrows and felt Eddie’s hold on his left hand tighten. “I’m not saying that this is the same thing, because it isn’t. I just…don’t want you to miss out on a great love because of someone like me.” Buck was immediately greeted with Eddie’s scowl, as if he was offended for him at the words that were just said.

“Buck…everyone has a choice.” Eddie began, the other hand not holding his moving to lift his head up so that he didn’t lower his gaze. “Sure, the red string of fate certainly helps people find each other, but everyone still has a choice to be with their fated person. Even with the red string of fate, your father could have chosen to love your mother. He just chose not to.” Eddie’s eyes seemed to be a little angry, at his father or something else Buck wasn’t sure. What he did know, was that the next words leaving Eddie’s lips would make him stop breathing entirely.

“Buck, I have a choice too. And I choose to love you.”

First Maddie, then Eddie.

Buck wasn’t sure what was with the people he had grown to know and love bombarding him with all this affection he wasn’t sure he would ever get used to.

He was the one person in the world apart from his mother who didn’t have a soulmate, and yet…

And yet, the man standing in front of him right now was willing to look past all that. To love him not because of some red string, but for him, because he loved him.

Choice…it seemed like that word would be his downfall.

But Eddie wasn’t done.

“Because to hell with fate. Even if the entire universe doesn’t think we should be together, I want to be with you, so screw everything else.” Eddie said with conviction, his eyes boring into his own, determination and resolve shining in them, and Buck…

Buck really…really, didn’t know what to do with this man.

So he lurched forward to hug him.

They had hugged plenty of times before, after calls, during calls, at celebrations, but this hug…

This hug meant so much more.

“You’re so stupid. So, so stupid.” Buck choked out from his tears as he hid his face in Eddie’s shoulder, his voice muffled by Eddie’s LAFD shirt. He felt Eddie’s arms tighten around his middle, and a hand running up and down his back soothingly.

“If it means that you will let me love you, Evan Buckley, then I will gladly continue being stupid.” Eddie murmured into his ear, and Buck felt a weight being lifted off his shoulders that had been there since that day twenty years ago, when he first saw the string hanging from Mrs. Hazel’s left hand. It was either a miracle or the universe giving them their moment, because not a single alarm blared during that entire time they talked. Buck slowly pulled away, though Eddie didn’t let him get too far and wiped away the last of his tears. Smiling, the first genuine smile he has had in a long while, Buck leaned forward so that their lips were barely a breath apart and leaned their foreheads together, making Eddie smile tenderly.

“I love you too.” Buck murmured, and when Eddie kissed him this time around, gently pressing him against the locker, he didn’t forget.

The string was still on Eddie’s finger, and his own fingers were still bare.

But their hearts were singing in a tune that seemed to scream finally, and Buck didn’t feel like running anymore, instead leaning into the warm hands that were wrapped around him firmly.

Sometimes, fate succumbs to choice.

And choosing Eddie Diaz was something Buck didn’t need to think twice about.

For their hearts had chosen each other a long, long time ago.