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The hardest part of losing someone, isn’t having to say goodbye, but rather learning to live without them. Always trying to fill the void, the emptiness that’s left inside your heart when they go.
It’s not really letting go of the past that is the problem. It is coming to terms with letting go of a possible future that will never be.
Jimin cannot bring himself to let go of Taehyung.
Every morning when he wakes up he still has that hope that the moment he opens his eyes there will be a second pair of chocolate brown eyes staring back at him with love and adoration. He still wishes to hear Taehyung’s deep raspy voice in the kitchen, singing softly while he prepares breakfast for Jimin and Jungkook. He can still remember clearly how his fingers traced every part of Jimin’s body when they were just lazing around in bed.
All these memories Jimin can’t seem to let go. They’re carved deep into his heart and they’re not letting Jimin breathe. He can’t accept that he will never have the chance to live all this ever again.
Lately breathing has become a luxury for Jimin. Something inside of him is on fire and he doesn’t know what it is, but it’s filling his lungs with smoke and he finds it hard to breathe.
Sometimes Jimin doesn’t want to wake up, because his dreams are filled with memories of Taehyung’s beautiful face and sweet boxy smile.
But when Jungkook insists he should wake up and get out of bed to go to university, Jimin’s heart feels cold and he wants to go back to the warmth he felt in Taehyung’s arms in his dreams.
He knows he’s running away from reality. He’s running away from Jungkook, too.
Jungkook. His other dear lover. He suffered the same loss as him, but Jimin is so devastated by grief that he closed himself off, locked inside the maze of pain he created in his mind.
Jungkook was left outside to deal with taking care of a shell of Jimin and his own grief.
He doesn’t know how to cope. All Jungkook wants is to go into Jimin’s arms and cry his heart out until Jimin’s heartbeat lulls him to sleep.
But lately Jimin can barely look at him.
He feels Jimin slipping away through his fingers, more and more, everyday.
Losing Taehyung left a hole inside Jungkook’s heart, a hole that cannot ever be filled again, no matter how hard he tried. Losing Jimin, too, is going to destroy Jungkook’s heart.
Just the thought of losing him brings so much pain in Jungkook’s chest.
That ache persists throughout the day, seeing Jimin so distant. So far away.
Jungkook tried to make Jimin open up. He wants Jimin to pour out all this sorrow he’s been holding inside. To get the pain out and to let Jungkook back in.
Because Jungkook wants for them to help each other, to comfort each other. They both lost a lover, one of their reasons to smile, a man that made their hearts soar with love and filled their days with endless happiness.
To Jungkook, losing Taehyung didn’t happen just once. It happens over and over again. He loses Taehyung every time he sees a car that looks like his, or when his favorite tv show comes on. He loses Tae every time he thinks about kissing him, holding him or just wanting him. He goes to bed at night and loses him, when he wishes he could talk with him about his day. And in the morning, when he wakes up and reaches for the empty space on Tae’s side of the bed. He begins to lose him all over again.
But then he turns to the other side and Jimin’s sleeping prettily, his lips in a small pout, puffs of air getting in and out through them - specks of hope start seeping through the cracks in Jungkook’s heart. Jimin is still here next to him, still cold and distant, but he’s alive.
He’s still breathing.
So Jungkook still has hope that they’re going to find their way back to each other. That they’ll help each other heal their wounds. Because that’s what Taehyung would’ve wanted.
And on some days, it feels like that will come true. On some days Jimin actually talks to him, looks at him. Even smiles at him.
But then the darker days come again. Days when Jimin shuts the door to their bedroom and cries in there for hours, and all Jungkook can do is lie on the floor, his back pressed against the door and listen to Jimin’s sobs, while silent tears stream down his own pale cheeks.
On those days, they both feel like they’re drowning. Desperately gasping for air, wishing they could hold onto each other, breathe each other in to survive.
Today was one of those days. Jungkook’s been trying to get Jimin to open the door for an hour.
“Jimin, for fuck’s sake, please open the goddamn door,” he tries again, but all he can hear from the other side are painful sobs.
He can’t take it anymore.
“Jimin, please. I can’t do this anymore,” he pleads. Jimin silences his sobs a little, meaning he is actually listening to what Jungkook is saying. “I need you. It hurts so much to have you at arms length but still so far away.” Fresh tears are falling down, his heart aching more and more with every word he lets out.
He hears a little shuffling on the other side.
Then the door is being unlocked.
When he opens the door and enters the room, the image of Jimin sitting on the edge of the bed appears in his vision. Jimin's cheeks are puffy and his eyes red rimmed, tear stains tainting his beautiful skin.
Jungkook approaches him carefully, but Jimin turns away from him immediately.
“Please, look at me,” Jungkook implores, but Jimin still avoids his eyes. “Please, Jimin. I need you to talk to me, to look at me. I can’t live like this anymore.”
“Then why are you still here?” Jimin asks. His voice is cold, but it still cracks at the end.
“Because I fucking love you, Jimin!” Jungkook suddenly exclaims, frustrated that Jimin would say something like that. “Because I can’t lose you, too.” This time his voice trembles with such painful emotion.
This makes Jimin finally turn his eyes on him. They hold so many emotions.
“I don’t know how to deal with this kind of pain,” he confesses, a deep sob escaping his chest.
Jungkook closes the gap between them, his hand reaching for Jimin’s face. His heart swells with hope the moment Jimin doesn’t turn away from his touch.
“This pain that wrapped around my soul and it slowly devours everything. It weighs me down and I can’t move, I can’t even breathe,“ he stutters out through shallow breaths, the tears now pouring like a waterfall. Jungkook knows there is no reason to try to stop them. This is them finally letting everything out in the open.
“I know it hurts. It tightens your chest and closes your throat, like you swallowed a thousand knives. Your lungs are burning so bad you can’t breathe, but you’re forced to inhale and feel the pain. You close your fists so hard your knuckles turn white and there’s nothing to punch. You want to scream so loud you lose your voice, but there’s nothing coming out.”
Jungkook’s words make Jimin’s heart freeze. He explained exactly how Jimin is feeling. For a moment he is paralyzed, then the realization hits him. He knows exactly how much Jimin is suffering because he is feeling the same thing. Jungkook loved Taehyung the same way Jimin had, and his loss weighs down on him just as much.
It hurts even more to finally realize how much he hurt the younger by pushing him away.
While Jimin tried to cope with his pain on his own, Jungkook was reaching out to him, asking for help, for comfort, for healing. And Jimin ignored his cries for help, blinded by his own grief.
“Please, Jimin. Come back to me,” the younger cries, his head hanging low, while both his hands still cup Jimin’s cheeks. “I can’t bear to lose you, too. You’re all I have left.” The crack in his voice matches the crack of Jimin’s heart breaking into even more pieces.
All they’ve got now is each other.
“I’m here,” Jimin finally says, breaking the silence. His hands wrap around Jungkook’s waist, bringing him closer. “You haven’t lost me.”
“It feels like I have,” Jungkook murmurs in response, his tone defeated.
Despite the ache in his chest, Jimin brings Jungkook’s head up with one of his hands, and erases the space left between them. His lips press firmly against Jungkook’s, his hand tenderly stroking his lover’s cheek.
He parts for a second to breathe out against Jungkook’s mouth, “Kiss me until all our pieces are glued back together.”
And Jungkook complies without hesitation. He kisses Jimin with so much fervor, like Jimin is the ocean and he is desperate to drown.
And Jimin finally feels like he can breathe again. Jungkook’s touch is his comfort and his lullaby, and he can’t believe he denied himself for so long.
And they realize that when their two broken hearts found their way back to each other, their splinters came together to create a beautiful and honest mosaic.
They help each other heal with pure and unconditional love.
And on the nights they miss Taehyung the most, they dance through their apartment with the ghost of their lover.
And on the day Jimin finds one of Taehyung’s favorite shirts, he puts it on and cries for hours into Jungkook’s arms, soaking the younger’s shirt with his tears. And Jungkook kisses the top of his head, letting the lingering smell from Taehyung‘s shirt invade all his senses. And it makes his soul tremble with memories and pain. But then he feels Jimin’s strong grip on him, keeping him guarded and he knows they will be fine.
They hold onto each other with all they have. They kept each other afloat.
Taehyung is proud of them. He knew when he left that they would take care of each other even when he couldn’t be there to take care of them.