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Sleeping had been hard for you since you had fled the Jedi Temple all those years ago. But a mix of violent nightmares and constant fear of being killed as soon as you let your guard down would be enough to keep anyone up at night. There were some nights where sleep was impossible, and tonight was one of those nights.
You sat on your cot; legs crossed. The hum of the Mantis’s engines created a white noise that blocked everything else out. With your eyes closed, you began taking deep breaths. If you couldn’t sleep, then you were determined to meditate. But on nights like these, peace was impossible to find. As you centred yourself in the force you felt your concentration slip and then you were thrown into a vision of the past, one that you had far too many times.
You ran and you didn’t dare take a moment to look back. You gripped your small lightsaber tightly. It was useless now, having been broken while trying to defend yourself from a clone, but you felt safer holding it. You needed to find your master, you were scared and had no clue what was going on. Despite being a padawan it was moments like these you felt like a youngling again. The further you ran the more corpses you came across and the more your mind threatened to shut down on you. What had your master taught you again? Peace within battle? But how were you supposed to find peace when you kept spotting the terrified faces of your friends littered among the dead. You desperately tried to find that peace your master spoke so often of but no matter how hard you tried you couldn’t block out the grief and fear. So, you continued to do the one thing you knew how. Run.
When your legs were threatening to give out you felt a mental tug, it had to be your master reaching out to your through the force bond you shared. You let the force guide you as you ran down the maze of halls until you were met with the sight of your master slouched against a wall. Even as young as you were you could tell that he was dying. He beckoned you closer to him and in a weak voice, he spoke. “My dear Padawan I fear our training has been cut short. Before I pass allow me to share one more lesson.”
You ran to him and knelt down at his side, the panic worse that it had it been throughout this whole ordeal. “No master! We’ll get out of this, you’ll be fine. You can’t leave me yet, I still have so much to learn!” You chocked out. You couldn’t stop the tears any longer. They flowed freely down your cheeks and then dripped gently onto the floor.
“This lesson is about loss. A lesson that one as young as yourself should never have to learn. You will feel grief you’ve never experienced before and you will feel like giving up dear padawan, but even with the most painful of ends, there is a new beginning. After tonight all you know, and love will be gone but you go out into the world and continue to do good and help those who cannot help themselves. This is not your end Padawan it’s simply the start to your own grand adventure in this galaxy. And if you feel as lost as I often do when I start something new, know that I will always be with you.” He paused for a moment as he searched his robes for something. Eventually, he pulled out a small Datapad and placed it into your hands. “This holds the key to your survival. Now run before you are found.”
It broke your heart to turn away from your master, to leave him there to die alone. But when he said to run you ran. It was when you were safely hidden outside the Jedi Temple when you finally felt him die.
You groaned and rested your head against the wall, tears wetting your sleeve as you whipped them away. You looked to your bedside table; in the dark, you could barely make out the outline of your lightsaber. It was still broken, all these years and you had never bothered to fix it or rebuilt it. After surviving that night, you had felt like you were hardly worthy to wield such a powerful weapon. Most days you couldn’t even bring yourself to touch the thing without feeling waves of guilt and sadness. You left in view with the hope that one day you’d heal enough to be able to use it again. To be able to go out and help the galaxy like the Jedi. It was supposed to be a symbol of hope but tonight it was just a painful reminder.
You stood and slipped a warm robe over your nightclothes. You quietly stepped out of your small room. You expected to be alone but when you entered the main living area of the Mantis but Cal greeted you with a sleepy smile. “What are you doing up so late?” he said stifling a yawn.
“Nightmares. Why are you up Cal?” you asked but you had a feeling you already knew the answer.
“Just couldn’t sleep,” he replied. He looked down at a small pot of water that was currently boiling. “Want some tea?”
“Yeah, thanks,” you answered doing your best to give him a small smile. He picked up the small pot and poured the hot water into two small cups that he must have laid out before. He held out the cup and you took it enjoying the warmth it radiated. You followed him down the steps and then took your usual position on the couch. With your knees pulled up against your chest you sipped at your tea. “You already had two cups out, did you know I was awake?”
He shrugged as he leaned up against you. “I had a feeling.” You enjoyed his touch, it was comforting, it always had been. This had become a common occurrence when you both found yourselves sleepless. You felt yourself relax, although the feeling of grief that had been with you since your attempt to meditate never faded. “Were they worse than usual tonight?” he asked quietly his eyes reflecting an amount of concern you had only seen on a few other occasions.
“What makes you think that?” you ask taking another sip of the tea.
“You’re crying,” he gently pointed out. He set his cup down on the coffee table used a thumb to wipe your tears away. “You know you can talk to me, right?”
All it took was his hand taking yours for you to start telling him everything. “It’s not just in my dreams now, I get these vivid visions of that night when I meditate. The more I heal my connection with the worse they become. Where I used to find peace is only the guilt of leaving my master to die and the grief of having to continue on without him.” You had managed to get the words out between choked sobs. You had never been at talking about these nightmares.
Cal may not have had the same experience, but he was all too familiar with those emotions. He pulled you into a tight and comforting embrace. He tucked your head under his chin and gently ran his hand through your hair as you cried. He wished he could take your pain away. He wished there was something he could say to make all troubles go away, but he knew from his own experience that there wasn’t. So, he made a silent promise to himself then, he may not be able to take your pain away, but he could do everything in his power to help you through it. You had been there for him many a night, helping him work through his troubles. Now it was his turn to be there for you. So, he made a promise to himself. He promised to be there to comfort you when you were at you were feeling broken and spend every moment, he could be trying to make you happy. “You should get some rest,” he quietly mumbled.
“We both know that’s impossible,” you protested face still buried against his chest.
“What if we sleep together tonight?” he suggested. If you could have seen his face, there would be no mistaking the small blush the crept up his cheeks. “You might sleep better if you’re not alone.”
You just nodded. You were incredibly tired, and you could feel a headache coming on. Cal leaned back laying down on the couch and he gently tugged your hand prompting you to lay on top of him. You were far too tired blush at the contact as you rested against him. It only took moments for sleep to start taking you. But instead of the usual anxiety, you felt there was only peace. There was something magical about Cal’s embrace, something so soothing about being able to hear his heartbeat. But what finally lulled you to sleep was his hand running through your hair.
You were woken up the next morning by a gentle shake. Bleary-eyed you sat up and without thinking grabbed the cup that was being offered to you. You could hear Cere and Greez in the kitchen behind you and if front of you Cal stood grinning. “Have any more nightmares?” he asked.
You had to think for a moment, but you couldn’t stop a grin from appearing on your own face when you answered. “No, I didn’t!”
“Good!” Cal ruffled your already messy hair as he sat down next to you. He could only laugh as you raked your fingers through your (H/L) locks to try and make some sense of the mess. “We should sleep like that every night.” He stammered. It was moments like these when he hated being so pale. There was absolutely no way anyone could miss the bright red blush that covered the grinning man’s face.
However, you didn’t hide your blush any better as you replied, “I’d like that.”
From the kitchen, you heard Greez shout. “I don’t care what you two do just don’t do it on my couch!”
You and Cal broke out in a fit of laughter, nightmares forgotten for the time being.