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all he wants to do is be alone.
just for five minutes. that’s all. just… five minutes, by himself. five minutes to not feel like the weight of the world is bearing down upon him, like his chest isn’t being crushed by the whole of new amsterdam.
it’s a miracle, max goodwin thinks, that he’s able to hold it all in until the moment his shoulder rams open the stairwell door and he runs out onto the roof.
he can feel the tears, hot and heavy on his cheeks, but it doesn’t quite register that he’s crying until he looks down and sees the tint droplets staining his scrubs. max watches as they bleed into the fabric on his heaving chest until they’re gone.
gone.
max hears the door behind him creak as it opens slowly. whoever it is knows to be careful with him.
‘sorry,’ he schools his voice as he swipes the tears away. ‘i just, um, if you could just give me like, five minutes i’ll be right down i just need to-‘
‘max?’
she’s cautious. worried. and when max turns around to face helen, he can see it in her eyes too.
‘are you okay?’ helen asks gently.
max’s laugh is dry. it almost catches in his throat and turns into a sob. ‘define ‘okay’.’
the clack of her heels is almost soothing. it unwinds something in his chest; if helen sharpe is still here for him, then everything is still alright.
‘adele is gone,’ he finally says. he hadn’t said it before. it hurts. ‘adele, she… she’s- last night, her son said. her lungs they just. stopped.’
‘oh, max.’ helen has come right up to him. she pities him. max can see it in her eyes, and that hurts too. ‘i’m so sorry.’
‘it’s okay. i knew it was coming, i knew it when i hired her. i guess i just didn’t expect it to hurt this much.’
one of her hands comes up to wipe a stray tear off his nose. his own hand twitches- he wants to reach up and grab hers, but he doesn’t.
‘you have a glass heart, max goodwin,’ helen says softly. there’s no more pity in her expression. it’s something else now, but max can quite pin point it. ‘you feel everything so deeply, and love so fully, and sometimes your heart just shatters under the weight of it all. it’s not a bad thing, max. it makes you a good doctor, a good dad. a good person.’
‘i’m okay,’ max reassures, but he’s not sure who it’s for. ‘i just needed to be alone for a minute.’
she steps back hastily. ‘oh, i’m sorry, i didn’t mean to-‘
‘no.’ this time max’s hand does come up to grab hers. ‘will you stay? please?’
helen doesn’t look surprised. she looks relieved, glad to have been asked. ‘of course. always.’
they settle at the edge of the roof to look over the city. the leaves in the park across from the hospital are starting to change colors again, and as max watches them fall off and flutter through the air, he feels the weight on his shoulders start to lift little by little. the silence between him and helen is comfortable, and even just her presence makes max relax.
‘do you remember,’ he asks suddenly, ‘a few weeks ago when we were talking about our funerals?’
helen looks a little bewildered by the conversation change. ‘yes of course. why?’
‘did you mean it? when you said you’d be there?’ max hadn’t meant to quiet, but his voice comes out low and reverent. almost a whisper.
‘yes.’ no pause, no hesitation. helen holds his gaze steadily. ‘yes, i did.’
‘good.’ it rips out of his chest on a gasp, like those words are his lifeline. ‘and you’ll look after luna?’
‘if that’s what both of you want, then absolutely. but she won’t need me by then; you’re not going anywhere for a long time, max.’
max’s hand involuntarily rises to touch his throat. some mornings he wakes up and it’s so easy to forget that he was once dying. others, it feels so close, like it’s still wrapping around his neck and choking him with the possibility of it. he knows what they’ve said. remission. but like life, that word sounds so delicate to his ears.
‘i know what castro said,’ max repeats out loud. his voice sounds raspy. ‘i know she said it’s gone, but… what if it comes back?’
‘come here.’
helen gets him to face her and replaces the hand at his throat with her own. her fingers feel electric on max’s skin. like there should be sparks where she drags them over the top of his adam’s apple. he watches the way her brow furrows in concentration and hopes she can’t feel his pulse spike at her closeness. it feels charged- but then again, everything between them always has. max doesn’t know how to feel about that.
‘nothing.’ max may be imagining it, but he could swear that helen sounds relieved too. her honey brown eyes are wide when they look up into his. ‘you’re clear, and i’ll tell you that every day, if you want. i’ll do however many scans, however many biopsies you want to show you your cancer isn’t back.’ helen smiles. ‘and if you die before you’re eighty-five, i’ll bring you back just so i can kill you myself, max goodwin. you hear me?’
max laughs at that. of course she would know exactly what to say to make him feel better. his eyes close and he lifts his face up to the sky as he takes a few deep breaths. when he looks back down at helen, her smile has softened just slightly. they stare at each other for a beat, until helen pulls him in for a tight hug. it knocks the wind out of him slightly- their bodies connect hard and he can’t stop the oof from escaping his lips- but it doesn’t take him more that a second to melt into it.
helen smells like vanilla and chanel no. five. helen’s head fits perfectly into the crook of his neck. one of helen’s hands plays with the short hair at his hairline and the other fists into his scrubs tightly. max has hugged helen more times than he can count, but he’s just noticing all of this now. having her pressed into his body like this is intoxicating, and max has never felt so calm or so worked up in his life.
but just before max does or says something he might regret later, helen’s pager goes off loudly from inside her pocket. they untangle themselves hastily so she can check it, and max instantly misses her warmth.
‘they need me down in the lab,’ she says. she sounds apologetic, almost like she’s disappointed to leave their little bubble. or maybe max is just projecting again.
he just gives her a little smile. ‘okay.’
helen just nods. maybe she wants to say something else, but instead she makes her way back to the stairs.
max watches her go, until- ‘wait!’ he calls after her suddenly. ‘thank you. for letting me burden you.’
she gives him one of those smiles. those ones that turn his insides to jelly and make his brain freeze up. soft and beautiful and everything. ‘always.’
max blinks and she’s gone. he feels better than he did before, but there’s just something missing. and though it was all he’d wanted ten minutes earlier, max goodwin finds that he doesn’t really want to be alone anymore.