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‘You’re aware of my existence/but you don’t know I’m here’
‘You’re the centre of attention/You control the atmosphere’
‘You’re so busy being busy/I don’t want to interfere’
‘And I wonder if you wonder about me, too’
At the prison, Beth often finds herself watching and thinking and wondering. Her hands are always busy, and although she keeps quiet, her mind is working away too. She works seamlessly around the others in her role as Judith’s carer. Feeding, changing and comforting in an endless, wearying cycle.
They all know she’s there, but she may as well be invisible.
She loves Judith and she loved Lori, but when someone shoots her a dark look during dinner as Judith begins to wail, she can’t help but feel that terrible guilt-inducing pang of resentment. When someone is quick to dismiss her as a child, a little girl to be protected and sheltered, forgetting she has accepted the task of looking after a child herself. But before the feeling can set in, she reminds herself of Rick, of Carl, and what Judith means to them. And what that means to her.
They all have jobs to do.
She has always wondered about the people they’ve met. Ever since Rick arrived at the farm, sobbing and covered in his son’s blood as he begged her dad to help, to do something. She wondered who they’d been; who they were. As she had silently looked on, she had wondered. More recently, she finds herself wondering about Michonne. Sometimes she sees her looking at Judith, pain and longing and guilt all present at once in her usually unreadable eyes. Beth doesn’t know what she’s feeling, but she can guess. Sometimes she catches Michonne’s eye and smiles at her; one time Michonne smiled back. She won’t ask, she won’t pry; but if she can help, she will. Until then, she will continue wondering.
But none of the people they’ve met intrigues her as much as Daryl Dixon. She can’t make sense of him, not quite yet and it…infuriates her. She saw how he clung onto Carol, just like she clung onto Jimmy, outside the barn. She saw how he held Judith for the first time, eyes full of tenderness. But she also sees how he pushes away the people that care about him, and keeps going back to those that don’t.
One afternoon, she is sat in the cellblock common room, alone. Everyone else is busy; doing chores, keeping guard, killing walkers at the fence, out on a run. Judith is in her arms and finally asleep. She knows should put her down in her cot and go to help Carol with the laundry, but instead she lets herself close her eyes, just for a moment. To savour the near peace, just for a moment.
“You’re doin’ a good job, Beth.” A voice from behind her jolts her out of her daydream.
She turns around on her seat, greeting Daryl with a calm smile that belies the nervous agitation coiling up inside of her. “Thanks.”
He’s stood in the doorway, crossbow on his shoulder. Beth is relieved when he speaks next.
“Rick’s thankful, even if he don’t say it.” He tells her as he leans against the wall.
“I know.” She assures him. She’s still unsure why he’s there; he must have better things to be doing.
“She asleep?” he inclines his head towards Judith. Beth nods, looking down at the baby in her arms for a moment.
“I better put her down.” She tells him after a few moments, avoiding his gaze as she slowly rises. When he murmurs his acquiescence, she glances up one last time.
His eyes quickly flick from her face to Judith’s, but she misses it. Instead, all she sees is his gaze focussed on the baby in her arms. As it should be, she tells herself.
They all know she’s there, but she may as well be invisible.
She smiles at him, the way she smiles at everyone, and leaves without looking back. She doesn’t trust herself. Wondering about Daryl Dixon was a lot easier when he wasn’t in the room.