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Jimin is playing with his pen, textbooks layered in front of him. It’s the first time he lets his eyes wanders, having done nothing but trying to wrap his mind around quantum physics for the past 2 hours. It’s 4pm, students are scattered around the place, in various state of desperation.
And that’s when he notices him.
Yoongi.
The elder is drawing as he usually does, his features relaxed as his pencil grazes the surface of the paper. He’s not even two tables away from him. Jimin doesn’t want to be angry but yet, a bitter taste flows to his mouth. They’ve been in the same group of friends for 3 years now, but the oldest didn’t even sit at his table.
It’s not the first time Yoongi blatantly ignores him, sits away or gets quiet in Jimin’s presence. Jimin has always been more confused than angry but this is getting too much. He has always tried his best to be nice and conciliant and yet no matter how much effort he puts into their friendship the past few months, Yoongi seems immune to it.
Jimin sighs and closes his books. If Yoongi is so adamant in avoiding him, then what will he do if Jimin sits at his table?
The young man stands up and walks up to Yoongi, then drops all of his textbooks on the table with as much noise as possible. Yoongi jumps at the sound and immediately closes his sketchbook.
“Yah ! Why did you do that?” Yoongi frowns.
Don’t get angry Jimin, he tries to reasons himself. It doesn’t work : all of their shared friends have seen Yoongi’s drawings but when Jimin asks; Yoongi eludes. Jimin takes it very personally. And it hurts.
“They’re really heavy, they slipped.” Jimin answers shortly.
Yoongi clearly doesn’t believe him and Jimin isn’t in the mood to say sorry so they just look at each other until the older averts his eyes. He passes a hand through his dark brown hair, and sighs.
“You didn’t sit next to me.” Jimin says.
“You seemed deep into your work. I didn’t want to bother.” Yoongi answers quietly.
“You know you wouldn’t have.”
Yoongi is looking everywhere but at Jimin. He is so obviously lying. Jimin waits for a good 20 seconds to see if the older is going to resume his drawing but he’s clearly not going to. Jimin is tired. He doesn’t understand how everything has gone so wrong since last semester. They had just started to become close, having some “moments” where they seemed to become actual friends: sharing meals and watching movies together. And then Yoongi stopped agreeing to meet up and everything had gone south.
Yoongi now goes out of his way to sit at the opposite side of him whenever their group of friends hangs out. He never initiates contact and avoids any kind of intimacy. It’s as if he suddenly hates him.
Jimin stands up.
“I just wanted to say hi. I have to go. Good afternoon.”
His tone is harsh and upset. Tae always says he wears his emotions on his sleeves.
“Bye.” Yoongi has the decency to look startled when Jimin storms off, picking up his book and leaving the library.
Jimin fled, ignoring the rest of his homework. He’s now at Hoseok and Namjoon’s place because he feels like if someone is going to give him answers, then it’s Yoongi’s best friend.
Hoseok is surprised to see Jimin on a Wednesday. Jimin is usually busy during the week and barely spends time with his friends outside of the usual lunch at the cafeteria and weekends. Jimin knows Hoseok doesn’t have any dance class this afternoon. He actually has each of his friends’ schedule memorized, even Yoongi’s, because he’s that much of a good friend. It upsets him even more that Yoongi doesn’t seem to think so.
Hoseok lets him in and promises to come back with tea in a minute. Jimin plops down on a chair, mind going a hundred kilometres an hour.
“Hoseok.”
“What’s up?” Hoseok asks while giving the tea he just made to Jimin.
Jimin tries to organize what he’s thinking, to put into words what he’s feeling. ’I feel like Yoongi is weird with me?’ ‘Why Yoongi is acting so different around me?”. He gives up on being subtle.
“I.. It will sound crazy but I can’t shake the feeling that Yoongi hates me.”
Hoseok immediately chokes on his drink. Jimin wasn’t expecting that kind of reaction. The dancer coughs and coughs until he’s breathing normally again. He looks puzzled, as if it wasn’t obvious how his best friend made Jimin feel miserable.
“Sorry, what?”
“Yoongi. He hates me.” Jimin sighs as his hand lazily spin his spoon inside the mug.
“What makes you think that?” Hoseok says.
“He… He avoids me all the time. At the library today he sat two tables away when he clearly saw I was right there. Yesterday during lunch he let everyone sit at the table before him even though he arrived first. Then he proceeded to sit at the opposite side of the table”
“But..”
“I can count on one hand the number of times he talked to me this past week.” Jimin is talking faster now, he feels like crying. “He avoids looking at me in the eyes, he never participates in any conversation I’m in and yet you know how much he likes to debates with Namjoon. It’s like he despises me. I don’t know why.”
“Jimin.”
Hoseok goes to rub Jimin’s shoulder. The simple contact makes Jimin breaks down. He hadn’t realised how much this was affecting him. Hoseok immediately wraps him into a tight embrace.
“I want… to be a good friend and I don’t understand what I did wrong.”
“You did nothing wrong love.” Hoseok shushes him. “You did nothing wrong.”
Jimin cries for a few more minutes and Hoseok rocks him through it.
“Come sit on the couch, minie. Can you do that for me?”
Jimin nods weakly and stands up from the chair. He crashes onto the couch and Hoseok guides his head to his laps.
“Yoongi doesn’t hate you minie. We talked about you the other day. He respects you a lot.” Hoseok confesses.
“He should show it.” Jimin mumbles. “Before summer break he was so nice. We used to hang out all the time. But then he just… slipped away.”
Hoseok hums, encouraging him to continue. Jimin positions himself better, his eyes locking with Hoseok’s above him. His friend’s hands are gently stroking his scalp.
“I don’t know what happened. I visited my family for what? 3 weeks in Busan? And suddenly I don’t exist anymore.”
“Family?”
“Yeah. And a couple of old friends. I was always doing something or going somewhere but I replied to each and every of his texts. But then towards the end, he just stopped. I tried to reach out, I thought ‘we have to be two to form a friendship so I should send them as well.’ But he never replied. He didn’t answer calls either and a week later he just told me that he was busy. He didn’t even apologize.”
Jimin gets lost in his memory for a second. He remembers the pain he felt when he understood he was being ignored. But he had suck it up, because he had to be the bigger person: whatever he did to upset Yoongi had to be fixed.
“I tried everything. I texted him daily, stopped by his studio. I even bought him a fake cactus because I knew he wouldn’t water it. But it all felt wrong and I didn’t feel like I could share it with any of you. I thought I did something bad. I even tried to apologize one day.”
“What for?” Hoseok frowns.
“That’s what he told me: ‘You don’t even know why you’re saying sorry.’ And truly I didn’t but what else could I do? I felt like I offended him gravely. It’s been 4 months now. I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“Jiminie.” Hoseok stops his movement into Jimin’s hair. He lets his head fall backward on the couch headrest. He sighs one, and then twice and then once more.
“Can you help me?” Jimin tries as Hoseok’s about to sigh for a fourth time.
“I.. I know too little and too much. Jimin. Why does it upset you so much that Yoongi stopped talking to you?”
“What do you mean why? Because we were so close and he just disappeared on me.” The younger frowns.
“Yeah but so did Minho and Kookie didn’t reply to your texts for a month once.” Hoseok argues.
“It’s not the same.” Jimin replies stubbornly. “Minho and I weren’t that close and Kookie talked to me during that time.”
“Yeah but you weren’t really close to Yoongi, were you?”
Jimin stops for a second. Yeah… He wasn’t this close to Yoongi in the first place. They knew each other through their shared group of friends and started to talk like that. The first time they watched a movie on their own was when Hoseok had an urgency and Namjoon was too lazy to take the bus.
Why do Jimin cares that much then? Because he had such a good time with Yoongi? Was it because Jimin realised how much of an amazing guy Yoongi was and then felt like he was robbed of a promising friendship or was it because the things he felt back then? No.
He felt what he felt. However, Jimin had decided it wasn’t more than excitement of getting to know someone new.
“Jimin, maybe you should … ask him.” Hoseok says carefully.
“Hey Yoongi-hyung! Why do you hate me?” Jimin scoffs.
“Maybe with a little less sarcasm. But that’s the idea.”
“I’m sorry you had to hear me rant. And cry.”
“I’m always here for you minie. And I’m gonna talk to hyung.” Hoseok promises.
“Thank you.”
It actually helps, for about two weeks. They don’t actually hang out nor have a real discussion but Yoongi says hi and sits next to him. Once he even handed him his muffin when Jimin complained that he was hungry.
However, things return to the way they were pretty quickly: Yoongi goes back to drawing during lunches and he stops looking at him in the eyes.
Jimin doesn’t get it.
Soon enough, he finds himself at the library once again and so does Yoongi. They are not on the same table and Yoongi is drawing again. Jimin stands up as soon as he catches sight of him. As expected, the older hides the drawing he’s working on. Jimin rolls his eyes, hard.
“Hyung, are you busy?”
“No. What’s up?”
“Come sit next to me. Here’s a new rule: whenever you enter this library and I’m here you come to sit next to me. I don’t care you think I’m busy. You say hi, you sit. We don’t have to talk if that’s what bothering you but please sit here.”
“OK.”
“Ok?”
“Yeah.”
Jimin smiles brightly and Yoongi give a little smile in return. He grabs his sheets and carefully places them back into his folder, carefully turning them away from Jimin’s eyes. He also grabs his sketch book and walks with Jimin to his table.
“Do you have the thermodynamics textbook?”
“Yeah sure.” Jimin nods and reach into his bag. He also gives his friend a sheet of paper. Yoongi accepts gracefully and gets to work, drawings long forgotten.
So, it seems Yoongi definitely doesn’t want to draw in front of Jimin.
It’s fine, he’s not entitled to.
It’s fine, Jimin doesn’t care: at least Yoongi is sitting next to him.
Jimin stares at his face for a few seconds before going back to his work. They don’t talk until the alarm that announces the closure of the library rings. It’s 8pm.
Both men stretch at the same time making the younger giggle. Yoongi’s smile drops almost immediately. Is that what it is? Yoongi doesn’t like Jimin’s laugh? It makes no sense, Yoongi used to love making him laugh.
“We should go.” Yoongi suggests.
And then it happens so fast that Jimin is not sure it really happens.
Yoongi stands up and reaches for his art folder. He grabs it by the side instead of the top.
All the drawings flow out of the folder like water and covers the floor in a three meters radius.
It’s pictures of Jimin. Drawings, paintings. Jimin dancing, Jimin writing, Jimin laughing.
Yoongi jumps and starts to pick them as fast as he can but he can’t hide them, there are too much. Jimin is absolutely stunned.
Yoongi hates him. Why does he draw him so much?
It’s… Why?
It’s the first time Jimin sees Yoongi’s drawing in years and he can’t help notice how incredibly realistic his drawings are and how much he has improved since the last time he had a peek.
It’s that thought that finally shakes him out of his trance. But when he finally does, Yoongi is long gone.
“Yoongi do you realise that NOT answering his texts and calls doesn’t work in your favour at all?”
Yoongi groans as an answer, burying his face further into a cushion. Contrarily to Jimin, Yoongi possesses Hoseok’s spare key so when he went to see him, he didn’t even knock. Yoongi simply unlocked the door and went straight to his best friend’s bed, rushing past a very confused Hoseok on the couch.
Yoongi’s phone rings once again.
“At least turn the sound off, I’m feeling guilty for you.”
Yoongi complies wordlessly. He’s so fucked… Maybe if he stays into this position, he can forget about everything that just happened. The drawings he spent weeks on, Jimin’s shocked state and blank face.
It feels like hell, knowing what he worked so hard for didn’t succeed. He tried to take his distance, tried not to talk to him, tried to disappear. But he had to ruin everything and drop his folder.
“I hate myself.”
“Kitten.” Hoseok gently says. He sits next to his friend, legs folded under him.
“Don’t call me like that, it’s worst.” Yoongi whines.
“We’re not sure he’s going to react badly.” Hoseok argues.
“I look like a fucking creep.”
“Y-.”
“I do. Do you know how many drawing of him are in this folder? 27. I have 11 others at home. And in my parents’ home I have a 1m by 1m drawing of his eyes. Just his eyes on a canvas.”
“Maybe it’s a small obsession but I’m sure he’ll find it endearing. Plus he’s single and-“
“He likes someone.”
“He doesn’t. We talked about it he told me that he went to see family and a few old friends. The guy on his socials was just that: a friend.”
“He appeared on 5 pictures on his instagram.”
“You are on at least 15 of mines.” Hoseok counters.
“He’s a fucking model.”
“And you’re a cute cat. He has nothing on you.”
“Now you’re just blind.” Yoongi loudly complains.
Suddenly, Hoseok phones loudly buzzes against his thigh. He offers a small apologetic smile to his friend before picking up. He had previously warned Yoongi that if Jimin called him, then he would answer. It doesn’t stop Yoongi from gritting his teeth when he hears the happy tone in Hoseok’s voice as he brings the phone to his ear..
“Hello?”
Yoongi groans once more and hides himself under the pillow. He’s going to die from embarrassment, ‘goodbye cruel world for I am going to move to mars’ he thinks.
“He’s with me, yeah.”
Yoongi can’t hear what Jimin is saying but he can imagine his sunny voice all worried. He imagines how his tone goes slightly lower at the end of his sentences and Yoongi scolds himself for even knowing that in the first place.
“Yoongi. Jimin asks if he can come to talk to you.”
“Can I avoid it?” Yoongi asks, knowing full well that it has to happen at one point anyway.
“He’s asking if he really has to.” “Hum” “Yeah, I know. Well come here, my door is opened. Just be nice or I’m throwing you out.” “See you.” Hoseok ends with a light voice.
“Promise me you’ll bury me in my cat kigurumi.”
“What the fuck Yoong ?. You hate that kigurumi. I had to beg you not to throw it away.”
“It was a lie. I wear it on weekends when I am alone.”
Hoseok bursts into laughter, holding his sides as his whole body shakes the bed. Yoongi sadly smiles at his own joke.
“On a more serious note” Hoseok adds after he calms himself down. “Do you want me to stay with you when he comes around? Or do you want to speak to him face to face.?”
Yoongi ponders for a second. He’ll need emotional support for sure, but then again, the whole conversation is going to be pretty mortifying and he’s not sure he wants to have a witness.
“Face to face, I guess?”
“Ok but fucking on the bed is off limit.” Hoseok teases.
“Yah! How dare you!” Yoongi grabs the second pillow and throws it. His friend gracefully avoids it, his giggles and silly mind reassuring Yoongi. He feels thankful for his friend because he would already have had two breakdowns without him.
Hoseok ends up lying on him, Yoongi silently thankful for the display of affection that keeps him grounded. However, when three sharp knocks are heard, Yoongi’s anxiety goes through the roof again. Hoseok stands up and Yoongi sits consequently.
“You’re ok?” Yoongi nods at Hoseok’s word. “Ok, I’ll come and get him. You got this alright? If you’re feeling uncomfortable or he’s being a moron, you shoot me a text, right?”
Yoongi nods once again and then he’s gone.
There’s a sort of countdown ticking in Yoongi’s head, except there’s no clear end to it. The stress just rises every second he waits in the bed.
Thankfully, Jimin appears before he blows up with anxiety.
“Hi!”
“I can explain.” Yoongi groans, barely looking at Jimin. He knows he can’t because if he does, he might end up confessing against his will. There’s just something about Jimin that makes Yoongi want to give him the whole world.
Jimin gives out a forced giggle. “I’d love to hear it then.”
Yoongi audibly swallows.
“Yeah, I lied I can’t.”
The older keeps his eyes stuck on the pillow he’s holding in between his folded legs. But even then, he manages to see Jimin moving to sit in front of him on the bed. He also crosses his legs.
“Why?”
Yoongi sighs and plays with his hands.
“I may have started with the hardest question.” Jimin acknowledges. “I have another. Is that why you didn’t want me to see what you were drawing?”
“Yes.”
“How many did you draw?”
“It’s too embarrassing.” Yoongi blushes against his will. He won’t make it through this alive.
“I kind of saw them so, too late.”
“I’m so sorry you had to see it I know it’s fucking creepy; I’ll burn them all if that’s what you want. I swear. Please don’t hate me I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable.” Yoongi rambles.
“Hey” Jimin lightly touches Yoongi’s face. It makes the older’s eyes go up. They stare at each other for a second. Jimin drops his hand. “Please don’t burn them. You’re really talented, hyung.”
Yoongi says nothing because he honestly doesn’t know what to say. So Jimin speaks up again.
“To be honest, this was the last thing I could have imagine. I thought you hated me.”
“I don’t hate you.”
“Yeah, I think it’s clear now.”
Jimin wonders if he should just say it. Rip the band-aid off. He’s afraid of what he is feeling himself, but one of them has to be brave.
“Does it mean what I think it means?”
Yoongi could play dumb. Ask him what he thinks it means. But he can’t lie. So he nods.
“Shit.” Jimin laughs nervously. He passes a hand through his hair. Yoongi has to control himself to not put his own hand in Jimin’s hair. He used to love the texture and wants to feel it again. “I’m almost glad I have an explanation as to why you’ve been avoiding me.” He lets out another awkward giggle and falls back down on the bed.
“You should reject me now because I’m about to die from anxiety.” Yoongi confesses through gritted teeth.
“I wish it was that easy.”
“Don’t give false hopes Jimin-ah. I know you don’t like me this way.”
Actually, Yoongi can’t really know but he has spent enough time trying to convince himself of it that he can’t go back now.
“Let me explain. You see, I was angry, downright furious when I realized you were avoiding me. I couldn’t think about anything else. I go away for three week and then I don’t exist, I don’t matter? You wouldn’t explain why!”
“You never asked.” Yoongi tries to defend himself in vain.
“Never clearly, but I implied it a dozen time. But then two weeks ago, Hoseok asked why I was so angry. I thought it was clear you were backstabbing me. Holding me close, watching movies with me, offering me ice cream and back rubs and then… nothing. But then I remembered that was because I started to feel something for you. And you made me repress it hard.”
“Oh” Yoongi feels stupid with his one-word answer but what can he say?
“So, I thought I wasn’t feeling anything anymore, that I succeeded downplaying those stupid little sparks in my heart whenever you were talking. But then I saw all those drawing of me and there’s like a wave of understanding that went through me.”
Yoongi nods. Jimin goes back to a sitting position. He takes a deep breath and looks right back at Yoongi.
“I thought ‘Shit. That’s why he’s been ignoring me. He likes me. He fucking likes me back.’ And then I felt something when you left that library. I felt excitement. Not anger, not pain, not awkwardness. I felt excited you had feelings for me. I felt childlike giddiness.”
Yoongi can’t believe it. He keeps listening, flabbergasted, feeling stupid he hurt the person that matters the more to him.
“When I realized all of that, which was like, thirty seconds after you left, I tried to call you but you wouldn’t answer. By the way, you have no right to not answer your damn phone after dropping forty pictures of a guy just in front of him.”
“27”
“What.”
“You said forty pictures, it was 27.”
Jimin’s eyes widen and then he starts to laugh as Yoongi flushes. It’s a really pretty laugh, his eyes sparkling and his face lighting up the whole room.
“Well if it was 27 then, never mind.” He says.
Yoongi starts to smile as well. He’s not sure Jimin’s words are really hitting him. He vaguely understands that Jimin likes him but he’s not sure if that means that he likes LIKES him.
He finally calms down and reach for his hyung’s hand.
“Yoongi. I think I like you.”
“It feels surreal.” Yoongi breathes out.
“It feels surreal to me as well. But I really want to dry to date you if you’re down.”
“Shit.”
“Is that a yes or a no?” Jimin mocks, his confidence going down by the second.
“Yes, oh my god yes. I’d love to date you. I’m so sorry I’ve been such an idiot. I thought you liked someone in Busan and then I thought you could never like someone like me. I was just trying to preserve myself I didn’t know I was hurting you so bad. I’m so sorry.”
“Who in Busan?” Jimin frowns.
“That guy with the cat and the bicycle. You posted so many pictures of him.”
“Oh! Oh god no. I would never go out with him. Ew. I can’t believe you though that ... Ew.”
Yoongi finally laughs for the first time in weeks. He can’t believe his luck. Jimin is so adorable and forgiving and beautiful and …
“I forgive you Yoongi but please talk to me from now on.” Jimin asks, linking his fingers with Yoongi’s.
“I promise you.”
“Will you show me your drawings now?” Jimin pleads. His bottom lip goes forward and he tugs a little at Yoongi’s fingers. As if the older is going to refuse.
“Yes. Come here. Please don’t think I’m creepy.”
“I would never.”
Yoongi pats the space to his left and reaches for his folder.
They end up taking almost an hour on them, Jimin complimenting his each and every stroke. He puts his hand on Yoongi’s shoulder and they link their hands.
It feels like they’re teens again but it feels good and innocent.
Yoongi texts Hoseok that all is good and that he’ll explain later.
They end up kissing hours later and as promised to Hoseok, they don’t have sex on the bed. They can’t say the same about the carpet though.