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A white ceiling with a fan always turned on. Nurses' voices and the beeping sound of machines. The smell of disinfectant. The taste of bland food. An enclosed room.
This is what patients in the hospital face every day they stay in the hospital. For some, the stay is temporary, whilst for others, the stay is permanent. The latter is the case of 2 patients, who have been living in the same ward for the past few years.
Patients often move in and out of the wards and a patient was just discharged today. The bed between 2 patients were now empty. Turning to the side, the male's gaze lingered on the empty bed now beside his, before his gaze landed on the female who had been staring out of the window for the past few minutes.
"It's lonely, isn't it? When someone gets to leave the hospital." He brought up his courage to speak to the lady.
The violet haired female turned to him and stared at him with a dazed and blank look. "Huh? Oh yeah."
"What's your name? My name's Kaneki Ken. We've been staying in the same ward for the longest time but never got to introduce ourselves to one another."
"Kirishima Touka."
"Nice to meet you. If you don't mind asking, what's your illness? I'm allergic to bacteria and will die if I'm exposed to it for too long. That's the reason for the mask attached to my mouth now." Kaneki explained.
Touka observed how the mask had a tube connected to it which further was connected to a machine at the side of his bed. She guessed it was a filter of sorts, to filter out bacteria. "I..have a heart problem. I can't get too excited, happy, sad or anything. My heart hurts when that happens and if I don't take my meds in time, I'll die."
"..terminal?"
"Terminal."
Silence fell over them because hearing that made them depressed all over again.
"..Me too. Do you read books? Watch movies?"
Touka's lips quirked. She appreciated his quick thinking in changing the topic. Kaneki continued chatting with her, who seemed to be responding only with short phrases or sentences. That was fine, he thought, as she was still wary of him—still strangers—and didn't seem to be good with words. They soon became somewhat friends—hospital or ward buddies—despite the weird starting of their friendship.
As the days passed while they chatted, Touka's once sorrowful face gradually had a smile on it and the fact that he was the cause, Kaneki was glad he started talking to her. She always seemed so lonely by herself in her bed.
Today, both lay in their beds, as usual, staring up at the white ceiling above them.
"Tell me about your family. Why doesn't yours come to visit?" Touka asked.
At that question, the light in his eyes dimmed and he ceased his smile. Directing his gaze onto his fisted hands on his lap, the look in his eyes seemed as if he were somewhere else, not here. "My dad and mom died early, and my aunt was supposed to look after me but she disliked me and refused to pay my hospital bills. So I was passed around in relatives and finally had one relative who was willing to fund my hospital bills only because he was rich. So here I am."
Unlike Kaneki, Touka had a very loving father and mother and an asshole brother but still loved her nonetheless. She couldn't imagine how it was like for him to lose his only family at a young age and having no one who wanted to stay by his side due to his illness being a burden. Sliding herself out of bed, she sat down on a chair at his bed and looked at him.
"I-I'm sorry to hear that... Can I hold your hand?" She asked.
He smiled weakly. "I would appreciate that."
Pumping a special sanitizer into her hands to prevent bacteria from affecting him, she proceeded to hold his hand. It was her first time holding a guy's hand aside from her father's but despite it being a male's hand which was supposed to be strong and meaty, his was skins and bones. She was overcome with sadness for his hard life and squeezed his hand before staring at him, hoping that it would convey to him that she was here for him.
His eyes crinkled, signaling her that he knew what she was doing. "Thank you, Touka."
After that, they became closer friends and often hold hands. Holding hands made them feel connected and better.
"Is there anything you would like to do if you get discharged?" He asked.
"Yep, in my free time, I wrote a list of things I want to do before I die." At that, she opened the cabinet by her bed and filled to a page that had the words 'bucket list before death' in capital letters.
"I want to go to a theme park, a zoo and an aquarium, a cafe, a shopping mall, the summer festival with fireworks, food, and games..." she seemed so excited as she read through her long list of places she wanted to visit.
"Mm, anything else?"
Her voice lowered to a whisper and he could sense the sorrow in her words. "I..want to date someone, get married and live a normal newlywed life in my own house. I want to wake up beside someone I love every single morning as a normal person would. I know, it's impossible, but a girl can only dream."
Kaneki was overcome with sadness because as far as he knew, patients with terminal and serious illnesses rarely get to leave the hospital which meant that she couldn't accomplish all of the things on her list. Dating? Marriage? There was no chance of that happening if she's stuck in here 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
"What about you, Kaneki?"
"Me? I... I don't have many things I want to do. Maybe go to a bookstore and buy some books, go to a nice cafe that sells good coffee and go on a date with a girl."
"You don't have many ambitions, do you?" She teased and he flushed.
—
Beep. Beep. Beep, beep, beep..
The sound of the machine that monitoring heart rate by Touka's bed increased in speed and sound and Kaneki awoke in the middle of the night to nurses rushing into the ward and surrounding his friend's bed.
They shook her by the arm whilst calling her name urgently. "Touka-San? Touka-San, are you alright?"
Instead of replying to the nurses, Touka who had been lying on her side had her hand squeezing the area over her heart and her face scrunched up in pain. A doctor soon came over and saw to her. He spoke to the nurses and then, they all detached her bed and started rolling it out.
"Touka-San, we're bringing you for surgery now, okay?"
The nurses kept on saying stuff to her but she never replied as they brought her out of the ward. Heart pounding in his chest, Kaneki got up in bed and got the nurse to bring to him to the seating area outside her operation theatre, despite the nurse's urges of him needing to rest.
It was 2 am in the morning, and he sat in his wheelchair at his nurse's insistence, staring at the 'operation ongoing' words in red for the longest time. He fiddled with his fingers and bit his lips in an attempt to calm himself down. Touka's family soon arrived and they also situated themselves outside.
"Are you a friend of Touka's?"
Her mother, Hikari, asked him and Kaneki nodded numbly. In that serious situation, he didn't know how to talk to them even though he knew he should, out of respect.
She smiled, relieved. "I'm glad she has a friend like you in the hospital. She always says she's okay and that she's not lonely but we can tell that it isn't the truth. She seems much happier these days and I guess that's because of you?"
"I-I wouldn't say that as it's presumptuous of me, but I cherish my friendship with Miss Kirishima as well. She is very fortunate to have a family like you in her tough times and who are willing to rush over when she's in a pinch. It's nice."
His own sadness at not having a good family might have reflected on his face which he wasn't aware of. Her father, Arata, stood up and walked to Kaneki. "She's told us about you through text and we appreciate you being by her side. We don't mind treating you as part of our family since you're her only friend now."
Tears brimmed in his eyes. "I-I would love that. Thank you."
Touka remained in the operation theatre for another 1 hour and seeing that Kaneki was still there, his nurse told him that he needed to get his sleep. He hesitated, not wanting to leave before he knew whether Touka was alright, and her family assured him that they would stay and wait for her. They would inform him when she was out and safe.
He went back to his bed, and despite feeling as though he wouldn't be able to sleep due to how worried he was, he eventually fell asleep from the meds he took.
When he awoke the next morning, he saw Touka back in her bed beside him and sighed in relief. Her family was there with her and her mother went over to him with a tired but relieved smile. "She survived but she needs rest. All of us needs to head to work now, could you look after her for us?"
"Of course, Mrs. Kirishima."
—
When she awoke a few hours later, she turned to her side and found Kaneki smiling at her. "Hey. How are you feeling?"
"I feel like shit." She answered, voice raspy.
He fought not to laugh but it escaped him anyways. She gave a weak smile and he got up to pour her a glass of water. Holding it to her mouth, he watched her drink a few sips before putting the glass onto her table.
"Your family was here since the time you went into operation until early morning. They had work so they just went back."
"What happened to me?"
"From what I heard, you had a heart attack last night and underwent thrombolysis, a procedure that involves injecting a clot-dissolving agent to restore blood flow in a coronary artery."
She nodded slowly as if trying to digest his words.
"While you were in the operation theatre, I realized how since we don't have much time left—I thought long and hard about this—I feel that we should do what we wanted to do before we die."
"Which is?"
Kaneki swallowed. He was still young, at the age of 23 and didn't know the correct or proper way to phrase it. "I figured we should start with the impossible task that you mentioned. I'm sorry about the time and place but will you marry me and be my wife?"
Tears brimmed in her eyes when his words finally sunk into her soul and she looked at him. Her chest tightened and she felt so emotional right now. "Really? You want to marry someone like me, who has a medical burden?"
"I want to, and I have a medical condition as well so we're equal. What do you say?" He held out his shaking hand and waited for her to take it.
Wiping her tears away, she put her hand into his glove-clad one. "Yes."
—
They were unable to get the doctor's permission to leave the hospital and decided to have the wedding ceremony in the ward itself. As they stood opposite on another, they recited their vows and exchanged the rings which Kaneki asked his best friend—Hide—to buy for him and Touka. Despite the small attendance of only Hide, Touka's friend—Yoriko, and Touka's family, they were grateful that they had them come down to the hospital to witness the ceremony.
With some arrangements from the hospital, they managed to share a bed for on that night with Touka laying in Kaneki's arms and falling asleep to the soft sound of their breaths and body warmth.
Touka never thought she'd be married and felt that she could never be happier than this.
After a serious discussion, they decided to approach the doctors to seek permission to leave the hospital in hopes of fulfilling their wishes of leaving in their own homes.
The doctors in-charge of Kaneki and Touka frowned at the idea and talked to them respectively.
-Kaneki's side-
"If you were to leave the hospital, there is a higher chance of you being affected by more bacteria at a faster rate, and you'll meet your death earlier. Despite knowing that, do you still want to continue?"
Kaneki squeezed his hands into fists and stared at his doctor with determination. "Yes. I want to fulfill Touka's and my wish."
-Touka's side-
"By doing this, you risk your own life and Kaneki's own. You need to know that while medicines can help ease your heart pain, should you have a heart attack and we cannot get to you in time, you will die. Do you understand? By leaving the hospital, the two of you are risking your lives."
Touka swallowed. "We understand."
—
"Even so, do you want to go through it?"
"Yes." Both of them answered without hesitation.
They waited nervously for the doctors' decision and the room was so quiet that you could even hear a pin drop to the floor.
"..We'll make some arrangements. We wish you all the best."
—
After much help from family and friends, the newlywed couple finally settled into their new home. They rented a place near their family and friends so that they could visit anytime. Now as they stood in the living room, Touka looked in awe at the once empty room, now filled with furniture.
"I can't believe this is really happening." She murmured before turning to her husband as her eyes became glassy with tears. "And it's all thanks to you."
At that moment, Kaneki had a strong urge in him to want to continue to fulfill her wishes and make her the happiest woman in the world. He took one hand in his and cupped her cheek with the other. Caressing her cheek with his thumb, his eyes crinkled as he smiled and pulled off his mask.
His doctor had advised him to put on his mask for as long as possible and to limit his sexual activities with her because bacteria can be passed through saliva. But now, he didn't care about all that and only wanted to kiss her, despite not knowing how to. He decided to try and hoped that his hobby of watching romance shows will help him.
She gasped at his action. "Kaneki, your mask—you can't—"
"It's just for a while."
With his hand pressed against her lower back, he pulled her close and leaned over to press a light kiss on her lips. Shocked at first, she didn't want to do this, knowing how it would affect his health but slowly got around to it when she realized that he's doing this despite knowing the risks. So she parted her lips slightly to allow him to kiss her deeper, to which he did. He pulled back hesitantly and gazed down at his wife who had pink dusted on her cheeks and a shine in her eyes.
Their first kiss as a person, and as a married couple.
She finally seemed to come to her senses from her dazed state and forced him to quickly put his mask back on. Grabbing his wrist, she checked the watch he wore given by the doctor for the number of bacteria in his body. The kiss they had gave him 0.005% bacteria to which Touka didn't know whether to feel happy or upset that it was a small percentage or that it did give him bacteria.
"Don't worry so much. I'm okay." He said softly as if to settle her worries.
"But—"
His gaze softened, he was glad to see that she cared and was worried about him. "Could you do something for me? It doesn't have to be immediately but in time, I would like you to call me by my first name, since we're married and all."
At that, she stiffened. Aside from Yoriko, she has never called someone by their first name before, and on top of that, a male. But now that they were a couple, she wanted to do so, not just because it would make him happy but also as they didn't have much time left. "K-ke—kaneki.."
She didn't like that the words wouldn't come out from her at all. Upon seeing the disappointment on his face, to which he quickly hid with an understanding expression, she tried again.
"K-Ken.."
His face brightened like a child's and without words, she could tell how happy he was through the tight hug he gave her.
—
As of that day, their lives as a newlywed couple begun.
Every other day, they'd go out on dates, going places they've always wanted to visit and doing things they've always wanted to try doing. That included going to a theme park, visiting a cafe that sold good coffee and a bookstore, an animal cafe, a summer festival, shopping malls and many more.
Every time they'd go back home, exhausted but satisfied and contented.
On the days they didn't go out, they would stay in bed in one another's arms, limbs tangled underneath the blankets. Kaneki would always wake up first, wash up and goes to make coffee while waiting for Touka to awake. Once she was, she would settle down in the chair opposite him at the dining table and they would sip their coffee, enjoying the comfortable silence between them.
Then, they'd proceeded to do house chores together. Despite doing the routine every day, it was never boring for them as they did it together and often chatted whilst doing so. Sometimes, Kaneki would cook and sometimes Touka would cook. They have a competition each time on whose food tasted nicer.
What they didn't know was how deep they would fall in love with one another, completely different from when they first met in the hospital.
It wasn't all good times either, where either one of them would start showing symptoms of their illnesses. For Touka, her heart would feel pain at times and she had to take her medicines. For Kaneki, he would get sick occasionally due to amount of bacteria in his body. Even so, they lived each and every day to its fullest as they could never know when would be the last day for them.
—
"Tickle fight!" Touka roared as she jumped Kaneki on the bed and started to feel his body for his ticklish spots. The male laughed out loud when her fingers touched his stomach and neck and they ended rolling around in the bed, arms around one another and laughing.
Breathing heavily, they gazed at one another before Touka realized that Kaneki was above her. The atmosphere between them charged. Her fingers tangled in the hair on his nape, nails gently scratching his scalp. Eyes wide, cheeks pink, he parted his lips, pressed them together as he hesitated and leaned down. Their lips met and she moaned as he pressed gentle kisses to her neck and down her chest. His hands paused at the hem of her shirt and he looked at her for permission to remove it.
She stopped him by pushing on his chest, eyes meeting his. "What happens when your bacteria level reaches 100%?" She asked slowly and softly.
He swallowed and hesitated, 'I'll die."
Panic flashed in her eyes and he tried his best to reassure her. "Don't worry, I won't die just yet. My bacteria level is only 40%."
"Don't lie!"
The anger in her eyes rattled him to the core.
"I checked it last night when you were asleep and it was 66%! Why didn't you tell me that it was already this high?"
When he remained silent, she continued and wiped her falling tears away but to no avail. "We should stop doing anything intimate like kissing from now on. I don't want you to die because of me." Her voice was full of sorrow.
"No, it's not your fault that it got this high. The doctor told me if I left the hospital, this was to be expected and I knew that before I decided to leave the hospital with you. I would rather die earlier doing the things I like with you than sit in my bed doing nothing at all. I love you, so I want to do many things with you. I don't want to regret anything. Everything I do is my choice, so please, don't cry..."
Even as he said all of those things, she continued sobbing into his chest. "I love you too, Ken. My whole life changed when you spoke to me that day and I never regretted leaving the hospital with you. You make me so happy." At that, she pulled back and looked up at him with a smile and teary eyes.
He smiled. "And I will continue to make you happier if you would give me a chance."
She hesitated and decided that she also wanted him to be happy before she smiled. "Okay."
Touka had a strong resistance to doing intimate things with him because she didn't want his bacteria level to increase but now that she knew that he didn't have much time, all the more she wanted to give him what he wanted and make him happy—just as how happy he has made her—and besides, she wanted it too.
He caressed her cheeks gently with the warm smile on his face that she fell in love with him for and felt her back touch the bed beneath her. He roamed above her and his hair tickled her neck as he pressed soft kisses to it.
—
Laying on his naked and heaving chest, Touka listened to his racing heart beat and snuggled closer to him. He held her close and kissed her forehead.
"I want you to promise me 2 things, Touka."
"What is it?"
"I promise that I will tell you the percentage honestly from now on so I need you to promise not to check my watch without my permission."
"But—"
His pleading eyes was all it took for her to promise.
He smiled weakly. "Thank you. The next one is, if I die, you must move on and live for as long as possible. I know this may be hard for you to do, but I only want you to be happy."
Tears welled up in her eyes and she wanted to tell him that there was no point in her living in a world without him. From her shaking body, he could tell what she was thinking and he squeezed her hand. She just couldn't find it in her to refuse him, not when he looked at her, his eyes tired and weak. How could she, when he had already accepted that he was going to die?
For all she knew, tonight could be his last day on this earth. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. She shoved her thoughts away and nodded hesitantly. "Okay, I promise."
A week later...
The end was near.
That was something that they both realized when Kaneki suddenly started coughing in the middle of the night, and could only go back to bed after he took many deep breaths through the mask that was connected to his bacteria filtering machine. It scared Touka so much to the point that her heart ached in her chest and she had to take her medicines to ease the pain.
Climbing back into bed, he wrapped an arm around her to pull her close and she held in her tears. While there was a possibility that she might die before he does, she still couldn't imagine how it would be to live without him—her first and only love.
—
Kaneki could feel his body slowly succumbing to his illness as he's been getting sicker and while Touka wasn't looking, he glanced at his watch which lit up with a 98% bacteria level. His heart sank at the realization that he might die tonight. At most, he can only last till tomorrow. Even though he had already prepared himself, he guessed that one could never fully be prepared for death.
He glanced sadly over to his wife. From how gently she has been treating him for the past week and how clingy she was to him, maybe she also knew that his death was approaching.
He didn't want her to worry or cry and decided to keep his mouth shut about his bacteria level. They linger in bed, limbs tangled with one another's and he played with her hair before pushing a few strands behind her ear. Cupping her cheek, he kissed her and she kissed him back.
"I love you, Touka." He whispered. He just had to say it now in case he dies after tonight.
To Touka, it felt like he was saying his last words and she hoped that she was only overthinking it. Tears brimmed in her eyes nevertheless, and she kissed him once more. "I love you too, Ken."
"Go to sleep.." he murmured, pressing a kiss to her forehead and he watched as she soon drifted off to sleep, tears still at the corner of her eyes.
He gazed at her for as long as he could to memorize all of her features that made her beautiful before he felt his eyes closing in fatigue. His watch hadn't vibrated yet, which told him that his death was not yet coming, for which he felt comforted by.
For just this once, he slept without the mask connected to his bacteria filtering machine and did what he always wished to, which was to hold her in his arms and bury his face into her hair, neck, and chest. He didn't have any more time and he didn't want to regret spending his possible last night with her, hooked up on his machine and not being able to hug her how he wanted to. He soon fell asleep.
At 6 am, he awoke to the violent vibration of his watch and saw 100% on it. His arms tightened around his wife as he looked down at her with teary eyes. He decided against waking her up, not wanting her to see his passing away before her eyes. It would be too painful for her and for him to see her crying before he passed.
His voice came out soft and weak, as he whispered, "Touka, I'm sorry I have to leave before you, make sure you keep your promise in living for as long as possible. Just know that I'll always love you and that I'll be watching over you from heaven. If I were to be reincarnated, I want to be a human again and live my life by your side. Thank you for everything and I love you."
Relieved that she didn't wake up from all his talking, he kissed her for the last time before he departed this world, holding his beloved in his arms.
At 10 am, Touka woke up to the sunlight filtering through the curtains and stretched her body with a groan. She turned and found it weird that her husband was still in bed beside her, laying on his side. Usually, he'd be up by now, holding a cup of coffee in his hand towards her with a smile on his face, waiting for her to start the day with him.
She also found it weird that he wasn't hooked up to his machine, like he usually was. Panic gripped her heart when she realized that there was a possibility that it might have come off in his sleep. With her hand on his arm, she gently shook him. "Ken, your mask is off."
When he didn't stir from his sleep, she didn't think much of it and assumed that he must have been so exhausted before calling his name louder and shaking him with a larger force.
But he didn't wake. Her heart raced. Is he..?
With a speed that shocked even herself, she pressed her ear to his chest and waited for his heart to beat. When it didn't come, she swiftly pressed her fingers to his neck, panicking at the absence of a pulse before her fingers went under his nose.
Tears brimmed in her eyes as her vision of Kaneki turned blurry.
He's gone.
With shaking hands, she dialed her doctor and managed to inform him in between sobs that Kaneki has passed away.
“..That’s unfortunate. I won’t ask if you’re okay because that’s a stupid question, but I will ask what are you going to do now?”
Staring at Kaneki’s pale and lifeless face, she just couldn’t keep her promise to him because now that he was gone, her purpose in living has also disappeared.
“I’ll follow him, Doctor.” Touka sucked in a breath, voice wavering as she sobbed. “I can’t imagine life without him. It’s no longer bright, warm and fun. He took my heart and everything with him. I..I’m sorry, could you tell my parents?”
Her heart started to ache, and she glanced over to her heart medicines on the bedside table. Swallowing, she decided not to take the pills.
It took forever for the doctor to respond.
“Will you not reconsider? Think about your family and friends that you’ll be leaving behind.”
“I..I have always regretted being a burden to my family and friends and I was honestly contemplating suicide when I found out that my illness couldn’t be cured. But Kaneki, he saved me. I wanted a life with him, and if I can’t have that, I could at least be with him together forever, even in the afterlife. Please, doctor. It’ll be the last favor I’ll ever ask of you.”
“...alright. It has been a pleasure meeting you. I hope you get to meet Kaneki-san.”
“Thank you.”
Touka hung up and proceeded to position his arms around her so that it was as if they were hugging. Eyes still teary, she smiled as she gazed at his face and recalled all of the fun times they had—their dates, their pillow talks, their making love—and laid her head on his chest.
She tried to ignore the squeezing pain in her chest and her shortness of breath and instead focused on inhaling his scent. His scent, his facial features and how his arms felt like when they were around her were the only things she could memorize and take away with her.
Taking one last look at her husband, Touka leaned over to kiss him. “Ken, thank you for giving me the life I never had and making me happiest woman in the world when you married me. If I were to reincarnate and even if I were to be sick again, I would still choose to live my life by your side. I love you...”
Her eyes slowly closed and her arms went slack.
Her family barged into the room soon after, but they were too late. The police soon came and said that out of the many dead bodies they have encountered, the way they died was definitely the most beautiful and touching. The couple had their arms around one another, foreheads against each other’s and limbs tangled together. On top of that, they both had smiles on their faces.
After some checking, the police announced that the couple died naturally from their illnesses. While that was the truth for Kaneki, it wasn’t for Touka. For her, her family believed that she died of a broken heart from losing her loved one.
Despite their short lives, the couple never regretted their decision in leaving the hospital because they felt that they have actually lived as proper human beings in that 2 months outside as compared to their many years in the hospital.
And now, they will be together forever, even in death.
—
Many years later...
A 18-year-old Touka entered a bookstore, hoping to find a good book to help her with her studies and accidentally knocked into someone, not noticing that they stood there.
The sound of books dropping to the floor made her wince and she held out a hand to the black-haired male who now laid on her floor because of her carelessness.
“I’m so sorry. Are you alright?” She apologized.
The male took her hand with a smile and stood up. “Yes I am, thank you.”
Her heart raced at the proximity as he stood so close to her that they were chest to chest and focused her gaze on his neck. Timidly, she raised her head and her eyes met his grey ones.
His lips pressed into a thin line and parted. “My name is Kaneki Ken. What’s yours?”
“Kirishima Touka.”
He grinned and she felt something strike her heart at that moment. He had a cute smile. “Nice to meet you.”
“N-nice to meet you too. O-oh right, your books!” Touka quickly squatted down and collected the books scattered all over the room.
Kaneki also squatted down and gathered the books in one hand whilst watching her. “Hey... I...I’m an amateur at this, but—“
Was it her or did his cheeks turn pink?
“W-will you go on a date with me?”
What was this cliche? Meeting a guy inside a bookstore and him asking her out on a date? She didn’t believe in fairytales because it felt like a fairytales thing, but if she were honest, she feels drawn to him. Was this destiny, or fate?
She could tell that he was nervous as he waited for her answer and decided to put him out of his misery by rejecting him.
But her words surprised her.
“Yes, actually I would.”