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The bouquet of flowers in her hands feel heavy, like a burden of weight sitting on her chest. Each step forward, her heart lodges itself further up her throat, the thumping sending waves of nerves to roll throughout her body.
Asking Heejin to be her Valentine has never been this hard before. Even if she has spent years with Heejin as her Valentine, this one is different. Or, Hyunjin hopes it will be.
Hyunjin faintly remembers the first time she asked Heejin to be her Valentine. She was seven, innocently joyful, and heart brimming with love.
Wringing her fingers together and feeling her lips tug into a subconscious pout, Hyunjin’s eyes plead, “Mama, I’m sorry. I don’t wanna be your Valentine this year.”
As equally charmed as she is confused, Hyunjin’s mother squats to meet her daughter’s sorrowful eyes. Faking heartbreak and sounding tearful, Vivi clutches at her chest and playfully sniffs. (Hyunjin proceeds to rush into her arms and nuzzle into her neck, mumbling apologies.)
“Why won’t you be my Valentine this year, sweetheart?”
Hyunjin’s feet shift and teeter from her tiptoes to her heels.
“You told me that when you love someone, you should ask them to be your Valentine. Like how Ma’s yours every year.”
Raising an eyebrow, her mother can’t help but to smile fondly, “And who will you ask to be your Valentine this year, Hyun?”
(Vivi knew who, just wanted to revel in the pure innocence of her daughter’s youth.)
It’s as if a warm glow of sun begins to shine when Hyunjin smiles, her eyes bright and lively and no longer sad and regretful.
“It’s Heejin! She’s in my class and shares her banana milk with me during lunch!”
(Of course, Vivi knows who Heejin is. If it weren’t for Hyunjin rattling on about her every day during dinner and before bedtime, Vivi had forced herself out of her shell to talk to Heejin’s mother.)
“I wanna get her a card. The one with candy! Heejin likes chocolate and gummies, but she told me she likes chocolate more because it’s yummier!”
When Hyunjin arrives to school on Valentine’s Day, Valentine gram and chocolate in hand, Vivi watches as she bounces over to Heejin with a cheerful smile playing on her lips. Her daughter’s eyes turn into crescents when Heejin exchanges a Valentine gram with her. Leaving with the sight of her daughter being pulled into Heejin’s arms, their cheeks rubbing together with happy smiles, Vivi knows that Hyunjin meant it when she said she loved Heejin.
Since then, without fail, Heejin has been Hyunjin’s valentine. The next year after Hyunjin first asked her when they were eight, Heejin had asked Hyunjin to be her valentine by baking her a cupcake and topping it with a Sweetheart. Yellow and pretty with pink letters saying, “Be Mine”, Hyunjin doesn’t even need to say yes when she leaves a happy kiss on Heejin’s cheek, right underneath the mole by her eye.
Hyunjin doesn’t know when she fell for Heejin, just knows that she fell in a series of moments all wrapped together by a pastel pink bow with Heejin’s name all over it.
Perhaps it could’ve been when Hyunjin’s basketball team won the playoffs and were crowned champions in her freshman year and Heejin had her face blown up and turned into a sign, her voice ringing like clear bells despite the crowd of people around her. It could’ve been their sophomore year when Heejin had a dance showcase and winked at her during her performance when she spotted her face in the crowd, proud grin on Hyunjin’s lips. (Hyunjin thinks it’s irrational how her heartbeat had tripled in pace, her stomach twisting with nerves). When Heejin sang for her in her room, her fingers picking at her guitar and her voice gentle and sweet, Hyunjin knew she fell for her there too.
Hyunjin knows she definitely fell for Heejin more when she gave her first kiss to the girl the summer of junior year.
The summer between junior and senior year was especially hot, the sun blazing its unforgiving rays and the humidity gracing them like an uncomfortable blanket wrapping and curling around their skin like twisted vines.
Lying shoulder-to-shoulder on the floor of Hyunjin’s room with their legs resting on her bed, Hyunjin is acutely aware of Heejin’s hand on top of hers. (The older girl has always found a way to touch her without reason—walking so close to her that they stayed connected like magnets, looping her arms with hers, tangling their fingers together when they watch movies in the darkness of Hyunjin’s room). (It means nothing and everything to Hyunjin).
“You ever wonder what being kissed feels like?”
If Hyunjin wasn’t sweating before, she thinks she would start to when Heejin turns her head to focus her warm brown eyes on her. (It feels a lot like being under a spotlight, being scrutinized with a warm glow threatening to spill into something crueler.)
“Sometimes. When I watch movies. Or when my moms are lovey dovey in front of me.”
Heejin laughs and continues to mindlessly caress her fingers on the back of Hyunjin’s hand. (Hyunjin feels every pass they make and it makes her palms sweaty with nerves).
“You mean all the time then? If I didn’t know better, I’d think your moms just got married. It’s like they’re stuck in their honeymoon phase.”
Hyunjin groans and hides her face in Heejin’s hair in embarrassment. It’s not like the two have walked in on them doing anything but, there have been too many moments that came too close for their liking.
Hyunjin loves her moms, endlessly and wholeheartedly. But she could do without their mush and gush at the dinner table. But then again, Hyunjin supposes she’d rather it that way than any other because she liked seeing her mothers happy and in love. It gave her hope for herself—that she’d be happy in the future with her loved one too.
(Somewhere in her wishful thinking, Heejin being beside her is in it too.)
When Hyunjin has her head turned to keep her eyes focused on Heejin’s, Hyunjin hates how she gets locked on her lips when Heejin’s tongue swipes across them to wet them.
Heejin’s lips have always looked so soft. Not that Hyunjin spent a lot of her time looking at them or anything. They just, stood out to her sometimes.
Usually, it’s when Heejin smiles at her (which is all the time). Or it’s when Heejin sings (which is more often than not). It’s especially when Hyunjin’s name leaves her lips like a song, a teasing lilt to her voice (which is pretty much daily since she enjoyed teasing Hyunjin as much as she herself liked teasing Heejin).
(Okay so, Hyunjin looked at Heejin’s lips much more often than she would like to admit. But, a girl’s gotta have her secrets.)
“Do you? Wonder what it feels like?”
Hyunjin doesn’t know if it’s her imagination but, when Heejin closes her eyes for a brief moment to open them half-lidded, it feels as if she can trace Heejin’s eyes looking down at her own lips.
Hyunjin berates herself. It’s definitely her imagination. Why would Heejin look at her lips like that?
Heejin licks her lips again and Hyunjin sees how her breath stutters before she answers.
Unless.
“Lately. It’s all I’ve been able to think about.”
Hyunjin’s heart pounds against her chest like desperate fists knocking against doors, begging and pleading for them to open. She can feel its thumping against the temple of her head, feel how her stomach twists into knots, and how her toes curl to edge off the nerves.
Hyunjin’s voice leaves her throat in a whisper, close to a rasp, her words fighting for space in her throat when her heart lodges itself there.
“Like, right now?”
It takes a moment for Heejin to answer. The silence is deafening and thick, as if the sharpest knife couldn’t cut through the tension rippling like waves between them.
It’s just Hyunjin’s heartbeat roaring through her ears and the steady sound of the clock on her wall ticking like a bomb.
Low and quiet, Heejin’s voice brings goosebumps to her arms even if heat permeated her room like a heady mist.
“Right now, more than ever.”
Hyunjin moves a ghost of an inch closer, as if she could move even closer. She thinks Heejin does too.
(Hyunjin could.) (Heejin does.)
Just as quiet and ten times more nervous than Hyunjin has ever been in her entire life, “Would you hate me if I said I’m thinking about it right now? With you?”
Hyunjin could choose to ignore how Heejin’s fingers lace through with hers, how the girl swallows a lump in her throat, and how her lashes flutter when they close before they open again.
But, why would she when Heejin’s other hand comes to softly rest at her cheek, her thumb caressing the skin underneath it with the utmost fragility?
Why would she when Heejin chooses to turn to her side to playfully nuzzle Hyunjin’s nose with hers, a faint smile on her lips? (Which, to Hyunjin, look extremely kissable).
Speaking softly with the sound of a gentle whisper, as if going any louder would pop the bubble they’re in, Heejin hopes Hyunjin can’t feel how her pulse races under her thumb, see how she struggles to gather her breath.
“I could never hate you, Hyun.”
Heejin pauses to close her eyes, to attempt to slow her heart.
It doesn’t work, but, Hyunjin’s eyes are patient and loving like they always are. Her gaze has always given her strength and bravery whenever she needed it.
“And it’d be unfair because I think about only ever kissing you.”
Hyunjin’s breath catches in her throat when her heart stops its chaos. Time freezes just for Hyunjin to take in every single beautiful detail of this moment: the way Heejin has a shy smile on her lips, how her nose bumps into hers when she fidgets with nerves, the way Heejin lightly squeezes her hand, how the sun casts a pristine halo that makes the breathtaking brown of Heejin’s eyes softly glow.
When Hyunjin closes her eyes and inches forward, much closer than before, she almost gasps when her lips graze Heejin’s. Barely there like a ghost but leaving an imprint of something much more tangible, it feels like dragging in air after drowning. Craving that relief again, Heejin chases Hyunjin when she pulls away, her fingers quickly unlacing with Hyunjin’s to hold her by her neck, her fingers playing with the tendrils of hair there.
Just as rushed as it is needy, Hyunjin’s nose awkwardly bumps into Heejin’s and her lips only meet the corner of Hyunjin’s. When Hyunjin laughs the babyish giggle that Heejin loves, she kisses the mole on Heejin’s cheeks. Heart glimmering with happiness, Heejin can’t stop the smile pulling at her lips when Hyunjin’s body turns to fully face her.
When Hyunjin speaks with the familiar teasing tone in her voice, it’s soft and playful—it’s everything that gives Heejin’s heart comfort, “Stop smiling and kiss me properly, you dork.”
Grinning still and unable to stop, Heejin giggles when the other girl whines and burrows her face into her neck when Heejin fails to comply.
(Heejin likes how she can feel Hyunjin’s lips smiling into her neck.
It feels like she’s meant to be there.)
While waiting for her giggles to calm and Hyunjin relishes in the peace of being held by the only person she’d only ever want to be held by, Heejin’s fingers rest gently under her chin when she lifts her face. Murmuring now, Heejin’s eyes are hooded when Hyunjin shifts closer again, “Lemme get it right this time, Hyun.”
And just like that, it’s as if the playfulness from seconds ago faded into bated tension, Hyunjin’s heart kicking back to a fast pace. With a hand on Heejin’s hips and the other ever so softly resting on her neck, Heejin’s lips are on hers again. Pressing gently with the desire to stay for more, this kiss is longer and undeniable. No longer playful or timid, rushed and awkward, Hyunjin thinks she could spend the rest of her life happy if Heejin kept kissing her.
It means the world to her. Most definitely because Heejin meant the world to her.
Since then, they move on like usual. Hanging out with each other and their friends, Heejin cheering for her during her summer basketball tournaments, Hyunjin bringing her flowers after Heejin’s dance showcases, sleeping over, and staying out way too late doing nothing and everything.
Except, this time, they’re kissing each other when they’re alone. In the darkness of Hyunjin’s room, TV glowing in the background—or in the sanctity of Heejin’s room, pretty yellow fairy lights twinkling around them—by the end of the night, they’re kissing each other and trying to stay awake because time is better spent when they’re tracing the smiles on their lips with fingertips and only falling asleep when the lids of their eyes drag closed.
There was one time when they had shared a kiss together in the presence of others. (But, to be fair, it had truly felt like they were alone). After beating one of those painfully rigged carnival games, Heejin had spontaneously kissed Hyunjin when she won her a cat plushie. (But, how could she not when Hyunjin had gotten so excited that she had jumped and grinned that confident and charming smile that makes Heejin’s heart flutter). Their friends had seen it and looked between each other with shock on their faces. Watching the two walk away with the cat tucked under Heejin’s arm and their hands laced together, Jungeun only mumbles between them, “Are we just...not going to talk about that or?” Jiwoo nods numbly beside her before pulling the girl to a ride that, frankly, makes the former sick just by looking at it.
Hyunjin likes to think that they are dating. Or something like that. It’s not like either of them have asked each other out officially, but, Hyunjin knew she wasn’t going to want to kiss anyone else, nonetheless date them.
She only hoped Heejin felt the same. She wouldn’t like to think about what would happen if she didn’t.
She was going to ask Heejin to be her girlfriend this Valentine’s Day. She was going to suck up the nerves that had been bothering her for two weeks while she mulled over the right words to say, the right things to do. She didn’t want Heejin to just be her girl friend. She wants her to be her girlfriend. She wanted to talk about Heejin fondly to others, to say that she was hers because it feels so good to just say that Heejin wants her—and only her.
Because, well, she only wants Heejin.
Sucking in a breath for resolve and exhaling for bravery, Hyunjin walks with a certain purpose towards the brown-haired girl. Being careful not to grasp too tightly to the stems of the flowers in her hands, Hyunjin halts to a stop just earshot away from her when a tall boy-man beats her to Heejin.
Hansol, the dream heartthrob of their school, was everything anyone could want. Athletic, handsome, popular, scholarly, polite, and caring, Hyunjin can’t help but to feel insecure, threatened to a point that didn’t seem warranted to her because, really, it’s not like she had any claim to Heejin, wasn’t entitled to Heejin owing her anything.
(If anyone asked Heejin, or if anyone else was speaking, they’d say that Hyunjin is the female equivalent to Hansol. But, if Heejin were speaking, she’d say that Hyunjin was infinitely better).
Startling Heejin when Hansol clears his throat, his voice is deep, charming smile fixed on his face, “Heejin, could I talk to you for a second?”
Putting one of her textbooks down and swiveling around to give him her attention, she is careful to not let out her exasperation when she sees chocolates in his hands. When he extends his hand to offer the sweets, Heejin swears she hears the girl next to her mutter in disappointment.
“I was wondering, Heejin, if you’d be my Valentine? You’re really pretty and it’d be an honor to share this day with you.”
Quietly sighing and politely smiling to not seem cold, Heejin shakes her head before gently pushing his hand away, “Thank you for asking, Hansol, but I’m planning on asking someone to be mine today. It’s- kind of our thing to be each other’s Valentine and I don’t have any plans to change it.”
Nodding respectfully, albeit a little embarrassed, Hansol runs a hand through his hair and smiles kindly, “Ah, I understand, Heejin. Hope you two have a good Valentine’s Day!”
Watching Hansol walk away, Hyunjin is smiling with her flowers tucked behind her back when she approaches the girl. One would think it’d be cocky and triumphant, but this one is small and gentle—insecurity hiding behind relief. “Already turning down suitors and it’s barely 7:30 in the morning, Heejin?”
Heejin laughs and gently pushes at Hyunjin’s shoulders. Pulling the flowers from behind her to give them to Heejin, Heejin knows that the cocky smirk Hyunjin wears is a mask to hide her nerves, “So what do I have to say to get a yes from you?”
Heejin shakes her head in exaggerated exasperation and laughs again, “You can do better than that, Hyun.”
Hyunjin groans and throws her head back, “I hate that you can see right through me!”
Silently taking the flowers in Hyunjin’s hands and smelling them as they walk towards Hyunjin’s locker, Heejin’s other hand finds the other’s like a magnet searching for its other half, “You care too much to throw a Valentine’s Day proposal away like that. And too competitive. Knowing you, you wanna do better than I did last year.”
Groaning again Hyunjin bumps Heejin’s shoulder before kissing the back of the hand in hers. “How am I supposed to beat a whole dance troupe proposing to me? I already played my “use the basketball team” card freshmen year!”
Heejin laughs at the girl’s misery and shrugs playfully, “You rose to the occasion too quickly, Troy Bolton.”
Whining now, Hyunjin subconsciously pouts. “Please just be my Valentine so that I can take you out tonight? Let me impress you there?”
Never able to deny her cute pout and pleading eyes, Heejin playfully sighs in exhaustion before kissing Hyunjin’s cheek, “Fine, you big baby.”
After walking Hyunjin to her class, Heejin is thirty minutes into her Economics class when the school’s choir comes into the room dressed in pink and red, heart accessories in their hair and on their clothes. A girl speaks out with a broad smile gracing her lips, “Jeon Heejin, Kim Hyunjin sends a singing gram with love!”
Receiving a rose and an empty box with a note attached to it, Heejin laughs to herself as the choir sings.
The box was too small
To place all of my heart inside
It’s not even half of half of half
But if you still felt it, if you realized my heart
Can I wait for you next month?
Hyunjin could be unbelievably cheesy if she wanted to be. Heejin thinks she gets it from her mom. Still, Heejin smells the rose in her hand and smiles at the image of Hyunjin showing up in her head.
As evening arrives at the arrival of a gorgeous sunset and Hyunjin picks Heejin up after their respective practices, Heejin likes how Hyunjin scrambles out of her car to open her door when they arrive at the secret destination Hyunjin refused to reveal.
Familiar with the creaky swings, faded blue slides, and worn playground turf, Heejin fondly smiles when she sees the lone sandbox at the corner of the playground.
“I first met you here when we were six. I think you were picking your nose or something like that.”
Whining at the girl’s playful teasing, Heejin pulls Hyunjin even closer when a chilly breeze blows by.
“No but really, I met you and I was so nervous to be alone, but you smiled at me and invited me to build sandcastles with you.”
Sitting on the perimeter of the sandbox and holding Heejin’s hands in her lap, Hyunjin’s eyes are fond, lost in her memories. “If it weren’t for you, I think I would’ve been a lonely kid.”
Normally eager to tease Hyunjin, Heejin reads the seriousness in the girl’s voice. “But, you’re so good at making friends. I mean, look at you now!”
Hyunjin softly laughs while playing with Heejin’s fingers. “You know that you mean more to me than all of them combined.”
Heejin could be blunt, more than Hyunjin. But she blushes pink under her sincere admission, “You'll always mean more to me than anyone else. I’ve spent eleven years being your Valentine. Your best friend. I could imagine infinite years beside you. I want them. With you. Only you. I’m not just asking you to be my Valentine this year, Heejin. I’m asking- God, I’m so fucking nervous.”
As Hyunjin exhales, Heejin hears how it shudders, knows that Hyunjin playing with her fingers is a tick she does to stave off her nerves. Caressing the hand holding hers and kissing the back of it, hoping that her eyes are showing Hyunjin the patience and understanding she needs to carry on.
They do.
“Heejin, I’m asking you to be my girlfriend because I know that I love you and I want to be yours. I want to do everything that we’ve been doing together, together. I want to be by your side today, tomorrow, and every other day. Will you let me?”
The pink glow of the sky casts a gentle halo on Hyunjin. She looks so beautiful.
Running her hand through Hyunjin’s hair before cupping her cheeks, Heejin’s smile is sweet and warm. Pulling Hyunjin close and softly running her thumb across her lips, the kiss she leaves there is reassuring and loving, telling of how her heart beats for Hyunjin’s.
“I want you. Only you. I’ll be yours. And- and you’ll be mine?”
Hyunjin grins that smile that Heejin loves—loves almost as much as the girl wearing it.
“Haven’t I always been yours? What’s stopping me this time?”
When Hyunjin moves closer, her lips a whisper away, teasing her like she always does, Heejin smiles into the kiss she gives. It’s absolute bliss.
“Absolutely nothing, baby.”
This Valentine’s Day, and all of her past and future ones to come, Hyunjin thinks she has got the best Valentine Girl to call hers.