Chapter Text
Lucifer was stuck watching Trixie. How this happened was complicated; something to do with Detective Douche being horribly hung over and Maze off bounty hunting and Linda and Amenadiel at a doctor's appointment and Chloe and Ella were in a meeting. So there he was, on a Saturday at the beach with Trixie, getting her snow cones and watching the passers-by, when he saw it.
"Shit."
"What?" Trixie had cherry syrup all over her face. She was used to Lucifer saying bad words at this point and just ignored them.
"I just saw a giant snake." He did not mention that he'd seen the man turn into the giant snake. That was even more complicated.
"Cool!" She gets up, excited. "Let's catch it! What way did it go?"
"Um ... that way." He points vaguely in the direction of where he saw Crowley slithering off. Trixie runs off in that direction. Lucifer walks behind her, murmuring.
"Crowley... I know you're there, I did see you. Come on now, you can't just hide from the big boss. Come on, Crowley."
A pause. Trixie is running ahead looking under benches.
"Come on, Crowley, I'm not going to hurt you. Just don't scare the little girl and we're all good, okay?"
"Promissse?" He hears Crowley's snake voice.
"Swear it."
He hears Crowley transform behind him and turns around with a grin. "Hello, my darling serpent. How's it hangin'?"
"Uh ... hi?" Crowley is, well, vintage Crowley: dressed in black jeans tight enough that they might as well be painted on, black shirt, and some bizarre silver scarf around his neck. No jacket today, although he's usually got one on.
"Oh, for Dad's sake, Crowley, are those actually snakeskin boots? Really?" Lucifer sighs. "One of us needs better boots and it isn't me."
"Those are my feet, you jackass." Crowley whispers.
"Oh. Can you do something in an Italian loafer thing or, well, anything better than that? And fix the scarf. Black is always chic, but your accessories game needs punching up."
Trixie runs back. "I couldn't find the snake, Lucifer!"
"Oh, it's all right, they've found him now. Do you want to meet one of my cousins?"
"Hi, Lucifer's cousin!" She throws her arms around Crowley's legs. "What's your name?"
"Uh ... Crowley." Crowley gives Lucifer a 'what-the-fuck' look over the edge of his sunglasses.
"I'm Trixie. I'm nine and a half."
"And you have red syrup all over your face, too." Crowley kneels down to her level and starts wiping her face off with a hasty miracle. "What do you like to do?"
"Uh, I like board games and reading. I like playing knives with Maze and I like -"
"Maze is here?" Crowley's face turned, if possible, even paler.
"You know Maze? Wow!"
"Oh, yeah, um. We used to work together. For, you know, different offices. I ... travelled a lot."
"She said she was a zookeeper."
"Uh ... I travelled a lot."
"Were you in charge of getting animals for the zoo?"
"Your mom just called." Lucifer interrupts smoothly. "Why don't we go back to the station? Crowley, you can come with." He lets a slight hint of devilish flare go into his eyes. "You're coming with, right Crowley?"
Crowley swallows. "'Course I am."
It is awkward to fit three people in a two-seater convertible, but you can do it if both of them are incredibly skinny and the third is a child. Trixie just shows Crowley all of her favorite videos off of Youtube and Tiktok all the way there.
"Why is Maze here?" he whispers on the way in.
"Oh, don't worry about her." Lucifer says breezily, and walks over to a blonde woman at a desk, dressed in business casual. "Detective! Guess what I found at the beach!"
"What letter of the alphabet does her name start with?" the blonde says, not looking up.
"C, actually, not a woman, but not at all what you're thinking. Detective, this is my cousin Crowley."
"Oh!" She looks up and smiles. "Hello! I'm Chloe Decker, Lucifer's partner."
"Anthony Crowley. Just call me Crowley." He extends his hand, and she shakes it.
Lucifer starts to laugh. "Anthony? Really?"
"You don't like it?"
"Oh, I love it, definitely keep it. You always hated Dad as much as I did."
Crowley smirks. "Not one of my favorite people, your dad." He goes back over to talk to Trixie, who's messing with the vending machines.
"He looks like he's good with kids." Chloe says.
"I should really catch up with him." Lucifer murmurs. "I haven't seen him in hundreds of years."
It was surprisingly easy to get Crowley to come to Lux that evening. Demons liked to drink, and his cousin always enjoyed a good red wine, if he remembered correctly.
"So why are you in LA anyway?" he asks as they lounge on the sofa. Crowley's looking out over the sunset and the city.
"We're - I mean, I've got a friend, her mum lives here, she's getting married. Big beach wedding out in Malibu."
"Oooh, nice." He thinks about what the demon just said, that little slip. "Did you just say we're? Are you here with someone?"
"Well, not the one that's getting married, sadly monogamy's a human institution."
"That's not what I mean, dear cousin." He picks up his drink. "Is there a Mrs. Anthony Crowley? A Mr. Anthony Crowley? A Mx. Anthony Crowley? Gender or genders to be named as appropriate, however you're going these days? I know you like to switch it up."
"No, no, here by myself, all alone." Crowley gulped the last of his wine. "Gotta run."
"Crowley." Lucifer says. "What are you hiding?"
"Nothing, I swear nothing!"
"Crowley, do I have to fetch Mazikeen? She does have a few Hell-blades on her."
Crowley turned into a snake again, and Lucifer grabbed him by the neck before he could slither away, his eyes turning into burning embers. "Crowley ... what do you desire to hide?"
"Me and Aziraphale!" Crowley changed back into human form and put his head into his hands.
"What?" Lucifer dropped him on the floor. "Principality Angel, guarded the Eastern Gate of Eden? Runs a bookshop in London, in Soho? Dresses like a Downton Abbey rerun, that Aziraphale?"
"Yeah. That one." Crowley buries his head in his hands. "Head Offices already tried to kill us after we stopped the apocalypse -"
"What?" Lucifer poured Crowley another glass of wine. "Start at the beginning, and don't leave anything out."
So Crowley told him the story of the Apocawhoops, as he called it.
"So if you weren't there, who the hell was that, then?"
"I'm going to guess Dromos or some other high-ranking arsewipe." Lucifer mutters, knocking back another Scotch. "Fucker."
"Oh." Crowley coughs. "I killed Ligur. Sorry about that. Bucket of holy water over the door."
"You killed Ligur with a bucket of holy water over the door?" Lucifer looks positively gleeful. "Hastur must have been heartbroken."
"Threatened Hastur with a plant mister and trapped him in my ansaphone, discorporated him in my car after I drove it over the flaming M25."
"That was a genius project. You still have the Bentley, then?"
"More or less, yeah. She burned up but your offspring - Adam - replaced her with an exact copy."
"I can't believe I spawned." Lucifer shudders. "Ugh. What a terrible thought, back to that never. Now, what's up with you and the former Guardian of the Eastern Gate?"
"Nothing." Crowley sighs and drains Lucifer's glass of Scotch.
"Oh come now, Crowley, don't lie."
"No, I mean that. Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Friends, I guess."
"With benefits, I assume." Lucifer looks at his cousin, who is blushing now. "No? Why ever not?"
"You go too fast for me, Crowley. We're not even friends, Crowley. I don't even like you." Crowley mutters into his hands, and then just drains the bottle of wine and goes over to the bar to pick up a bottle of bourbon. "Blah, blah, blah. Opposite sides, etcetera etcetera etcetera. The only reason we're here is for Anathema's wedding."
"Your friend is called Anathema?"
"Yeah, her mum owns a big house out in Malibu. You'd like her, she's a witch. An actual witch, not that voodoo garbage with chickens and patchouli and people that don't wash and wear Birkies and only eat organic and refuse to vaccinate their children. Well, she calls herself an occultist, but you know, witch, occultist, same thing really."
"Hmm. Could do with a trip." Lucifer tossed his keys in the air. "Want to drive?"