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Cornwall had saved her worst for last. The last official week of winter had produced howling winds and driving rain, and Dwight Enys was exhausted from the effort of riding through sleet and freezing winds to reach his patients.
His current patient was to be found in his own home, where the air was warm and dry, the fire in the master bedroom giving off a good amount of heat. Under other circumstances, it would have been tempting to stay home and postpone his house calls for a day.
Dwight put his sleeping four month old daughter back into her bassinet. He rubbed his tired eyes and sighed. Using every reserve of patience he possessed, he then turned to his wife and said in a gentle and what he hoped was reassuring tone,
"My love, Sophie is fine. Her breathing is steady and regular. See how her little chest rises and falls. There is no cause for concern"
Caroline bit her bottom lip, and brushed Sophie's cheek with her finger. She looked from Sophie to Dwight, searching his face for clues, before turning her gaze back to Sophie. She opened her mouth to remark on her baby's faintly flushed cheek, but was forestalled by her husband.
Seeing the doubt that was lately too often in her eyes, knowing he had wasted his words and his breath, Dwight could not help but let his irritation show.
"Caroline, this is the third time in two days that you have called me home from my patients, claiming calamity. We cannot continue in this manner. It appears my assurances that Sophie is quite well are not good enough for you. Do you require a second opinion? Who shall we send for? Choake or Behenna?"
He paused for breath and tried to rein in his temper. He knew Caroline had reason for her worry, but her anxieties were veering out of control, and it had begun to affect their relationship in recent weeks.
"Sophie is the most cosseted, well fed and most fussed over infant in the county. She has more rolls of fat than Horace. She is thriving as Sarah never did. Why do you not believe me?"
Caroline stared defensively at Dwight.
"I hardly think feeding our daughter so she has the strength to resist any ailment that besets her is cosseting her, Dwight. And is it really such an inconvenience to return home to treat your own child? Mind you, I have long known your other patients are of the utmost importance to you" Caroline was frightened, and in her fear could not stop herself from resorting to sarcasm.
"No, of course not. Never. When it is warranted" Dwight answered in frustration, deciding to leave that last sentence alone. There was too much else to deal with without relitigating that issue.
"As to why I don't believe you, I think you know the answer to that question very well" Caroline finished accusingly.
Dwight swallowed. Of course he knew the answer to that question. He had been avoiding discussing the circumstances around the answer to that question for some years now. He had no wish to begin now. And yet, without doing so, it was becoming clear that Sarah's death would forever cast a shadow over their future.
He sighed again and reluctantly decided it was time.There was no avoiding it. Returning to his patients now would only aggravate Caroline further, and besides, he had a few words he would like to say himself. Better to finally clear the air, no matter how difficult this conversation was likely to be. He only hoped Caroline would understand his point of view.
Dwight took a deep breath, and began to speak.
"Yes, I know why you do not believe me. And yes I gave you cause."
He swallowed hard, again, and sat down on their bed, trying to find the right words. His overtired brain hardly had the ability to form coherent sentences, and these words were important.
"My love, when I realised Sarah would not live, I was utterly devastated. I felt as if I had been ripped apart. I could not bear for you to go through that. I wanted you to have as much happiness with Sarah as you possibly could, before grim reality came crashing down on us. I never intended to deceive you, Caroline. Please believe me. All I wished was to spare you the pain I was experiencing". Dwight stopped, and looked at Caroline, attempting to read her expression.
Inscrutable. When it came to inscrutable expressions, Caroline Penvenen Enys was an expert in the field. She was silent for a beat, and then responded.
"I am certain that was part of your motivation Dwight. Most of it, in fact. But not all. Was there not a part of you that did not want to tell me that my daughter, who I gave birth to in this very bed, would die, because you did not want to witness my grief? Because you could not bear to tell me that there was nothing you could do to save her? Because you could not bear to see my face when you told me that anything you did for her would be futile, and she would die anyway? So you remained silent, and Sarah woke with a cold one day and was dead the next. And I had no time to prepare myself for that. I was completely stunned. Completely broken. Not being prepared for it made it so much harder for me to deal with it Dwight."
Caroline paused, out of breath. Her initial calm demeanour had been overtaken by emotion. A single tear worked it's way down her cheek. Unremarkable perhaps in another woman, but not in Caroline Enys.
”You knew for months, Dwight! Months! I am your wife. We are of one flesh. When we married we vowed to honour each other all the days of our lives. In this, you did not honour me. In trying to spare me pain, you caused me even more!”
"Caroline, please....” Dwight cried desperately. He did not have the strength to hear how his silence had harmed his wife, today or any day.
Caroline continued.
"How does one grieve the loss of an infant? Is there a correct method? I didn't know what to do with my sudden grief. I couldn't fathom it, even admit to it, so I buried it. Deep. In the Pleasure Gardens of London, in ballrooms and assemblies. Anything to deny the truth, to avoid the pain. I didn't know any other way. I envied you so Dwight. You were prepared for your grief. You cried openly at Sarah's funeral. You grieved in front of your friends and patients. And they all grieved for you and loved you, and a fair few likely muttered behind their hands, feeling such pity that you had such a cold hearted wife. And all the while, your cold hearted wife was doing her absolute utmost to simply remain standing ”
Dwight wanted to put his hands over his ears. He wanted to run from the room. To hear Caroline's speak of her torment was almost unbearable. He forced himself to remain seated on the bed. This had been a very long time coming, and they would be the better for it.
Somehow he managed to reply, his voice shaking and full of emotion
"The knowledge that I have caused you harm, that my actions have rendered you thus, is a knife to my heart. There is some truth in what you say. That I could not save Sarah haunts me to this day, despite the fact that I know no physician that walks the earth could have saved her. To admit that to you was too much. I did try though, I swear. I would wake every morning, thinking 'today I will tell her', and every evening meal would pass, and every night I would blow the candles out, and still I had not told you. In the end, I resigned myself to the fact that I could not do it. My love, I am so sorry. I am so sorry" he finished wretchedly.
"Please forgive me" he begged.
He received no answer.
Caroline had begun to weep properly now, but managed to continue.
"If you had told me, yes I would have felt unbearable pain, but we would have felt that together. Together Dwight. We could have grieved as husband and wife, as mother and father, and I would not have felt so utterly alone”
Dwight felt as if he were coming apart. He felt guilt so strong he thought he would choke on it. He stood up and tried to take her in his arms, but she recoiled and retreated to the fireplace, where she stared down into the flames. He followed her and spoke to her back, anguish apparent in his tone,
”My darling, I never ever thought that my silence would hurt you more in the end. It never once crossed my mind. I convinced myself that I was doing the right thing, the noble thing. All I wished to do was protect you. And I did the opposite. I did you wrong. All I can say is “I’m sorry” and I will say it a thousand times over if you need me to. I know it changes nothing, but I would undo it all if I could”
He inched a little closer, and touched her back.
”Please look at me Caroline.” His face was red with shame.
She remained as she was, staring at the fire as if hypnotized by the flames.
Dwight tried again.
"My darling, please..."
This time Caroline slowly turned, her tears having ceased but reluctance on her face, and Dwight began to speak.
”This I promise you. I will never ever keep anything from you again. No matter the degree of importance. In not telling you about Sarah, I ruptured us in a sense. When the worst happened, our grieving was so vastly different because I had known and you had not. You were in a state of shock. Its abundantly obvious to me now."
"For now Caroline, you must believe me when I tell you Sophie is absolutely well. You must believe me or you will have no peace. She is a totally different child from Sarah. Our darling Sarah was frail from the beginning. Sophie is strong. I don't know how or why we managed to produce two such different daughters. But we did. And Sophie has her mother's tenacity, I believe".
"Can you ever forgive me?" he asked desperately.
Caroline sighed but nodded tentatively. She was spent. She had said all she had too long kept inside of her. To hear Dwight acknowledge her pain and his part in it was balm in itself. Reaching for his hand, she said quietly
"Yes I forgive you Dwight. There is no way forward for us if I do not. You are very eloquent, Dr Enys, when you put your case, even when you are thoroughly exhausted. And I believe you about Sophie. Finally. I apologize for being so overwrought recently." She sighed gently and added quietly
"Dwight, we must never have such distance between us again. We must never retreat into ourselves so much to the detriment of our marriage.
"I agree" Dwight replied, and sighed with relief. He paused. "We must be of one mind. As we are of one heart”
He laced his fingers through her other hand and kissed it softly.
“And to that purpose, if I may, I wish to tell you something which has been weighing on me for some time. Since Sarah's death. Caroline, should life in Cornwall become difficult again, please don’t run away to London. Or anywhere. Run to me. I am right here waiting for you to run to me when you have struggles and hurts"
Caroline was silent. And then
“I will. I promise you" Caroline answered in a whisper, her head bowed.
"You know It was Ross who forced me to face Sarah's death in London. He has the happy knack of recognizing traits in me that he himself has. He was quite direct with me. As it was before you went to sea, it was Ross who lead me back from London, to you. But I would have eventually made my own way back. It was never my intention to leave you permanently"
She continued in a lighter tone.
"You have my word that my only London adventures henceforth will be for pleasure. And preferably with my husband." She stopped and then said more seriously
"You told me there was nothing to forgive when I returned after Sarah. Was that not the case?"
"I meant what I said. And I knew London was what you needed. But knowing that in my head did not make my heart hurt any less when you went, or cause me to miss you any less. I had lost my daughter, and was now without my wife. And as I rattled around in this empty house, and lay in our bed alone at night, I questioned whether you would return at all"
Dwight could now say the words he himself had longed to say, to make Caroline understand that she had wounded him when she left him after Sarah died.
"Oh my poor Dwight. I am so sorry. The gossips were right. You have a cold hearted wife. Who happens to love you very much. We are such different creatures and yet we usually accord uncommonly well, though not in times of grief, it seems. I swear I will never abandon you again. In times of need, or sorrow, we will pull together, not apart."
Dwight nodded at her, immensely relieved. A huge weight had been lifted from them both. He hugged her as they stood in front of the fire, and they remained that way or some time, uncaring of time and place.
Suddenly Caroline produced a large smile.
"And now seems the perfect time to inform you that in six months or so, there will be another child for me to cosset and feed and fuss over. And poor Horace will move even further down the pecking order. He will never forgive me"
Wherever he thought their conversation might go next, it had not been in this direction. Dwight's eyes widened in surprise and delight and he hugged Caroline to him.
"Another child? Truly? Oh my love, how clever are we to conceive two babies is such a short space of time? After all our wretched luck..."
Dwight laughed, and kissed her, and then again. And again.
"Very clever Dr Enys. Our conversation was timely indeed" Caroline agreed.
"Now, let us take off your coat and neckcloth and sit by the fire. I will have some hot soup brought up. There will be no more doctoring for you today in this foul weather. I will brook no argument"
After removing his coat, she led him to the chair in front of the fire and knelt in front of him as she removed his boots.
Dwight thought he should protest, and go out again, but his fatigue had begun to hit him with force now they had resolved their differences. Besides, he had to admit he rather enjoyed Caroline taking care of him.
She sat in the other chair in front of the fire, and they spoke quietly of a future with their two children. Dwight was already picturing arriving home to Caroline's welcoming kiss, and his two children running to greet him.
Caroline was envisaging much the same. They stretched out their arms to link their fingers between their chairs.
"We have much to be grateful for Dr Enys. Life is good" she remarked quietly, as she stared into the flames in the fireplace.
"Indeed, my love." Dwight agreed.
They were at peace.