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Oikawa rolled slowly onto his back and stared at the ceiling. He didn’t know what time it was and, frankly, he didn’t care. He had woken up a while ago, but he felt no inclination to get up on a Sunday when he didn’t have to work or go to school. He had been lying in his bed for probably an hour, just listening to his breath and the low moan of the TV he’d left on. There was no memory in his mind of when last night he had turned it on. In fact, he couldn’t recall anything from the night before.
Oikawa knew exactly why that was, but he wasn’t willing to pay any mind to the shameful reason for his memory loss.
He planned to spend the rest of the day just like that; lying in the comfort of his bedsheets until the next sunrise, no worry in his mind, but his agenda was swiftly ruined with a grim reminder. His stomach let out a grisly groan, literally screaming at him to get some sustenance in his body.
He sighed and prepared to remove his tired body from its only refuge, but the moment he sat up, he was hit with a stabbing pain in his temples and an awful, nauseating dizziness. He could feel the urgent need to get to the bathroom, now .
Stumbling blisteringly fast out of his bed, he knocked over the bottles of beer that crowded his apartment floor as he made his way clumsily to the bathroom. He burst through the door, threw his head over the seat of the toilet and began violently vomiting into it. He had little recollection of how long that went on for or the time he took to rest on the cold floor afterward.
Some time passed with him like that, placid on the floor of his bathroom before a knocking could be heard at his front door. Just from that, Oikawa could feel another light headache coming on, so he threw down some Ibuprofen and washed his face before going to check what poor soul wanted to see him.
He reached the front of his apartment and opened the door a crack, immediately regretting his decision. Standing on the other side of the doorway was Semi Eita, his boyfriend.
“Oh, Semi-san! Wh-what are you doing here?” Oikawa asked in genuine surprise, unwilling to open the door any more than a crack if it risked revealing the shame that was his disastrous apartment.
Semi raised an eyebrow, visibly confused. “Uh, I’m here for our date? The one we planned last night? I texted you I was on my way about half an hour ago.”
… Oh.
Red-hot embarrassment began flooding across Oikawa’s face. He must have turned his ringer off last night. Obviously, this was not the first thing he should have been worrying about, but he didn’t even want to acknowledge the fact that he probably (definitely) drunk planned a date with his boyfriend the night before. Thoughts began overflowing his mind, he didn’t know what he was supposed to do now.
His nerves were urging him to just shut the door in Semi’s face.
I obviously can’t do that, he’d be pissed.
A voice in the back of his mind was trying to convince him to tell Semi to just go away and leave him alone.
AAAAA! That would be just as bad, if not worse!
Should he cancel the date? It wasn’t even a moment ago he finished throwing up his entire stomach, and he hadn’t even had the chance to put clean clothes on.
Oikawa briefly scanned Semi from head to toe. His ashy blonde hair with dark brown dyed tips was combed neatly and looked soft to the touch and he appeared to have put on a light layer of makeup too. He was wearing a gray chambray shirt and beige jeans, both of which were completely wrinkle-free, and black dress shoes that looked newly shined.
No, I can’t cancel now! He clearly took time making sure he looked nice for our date, canceling now would mean his efforts were in vain. It would also just be an absolute dick move…
He made it a point to internally curse himself before finally looking back to Semi’s face, avoiding his chocolate brown eyes, instead opting to stare as the ash blonde’s mouth.
“Oh, right! Yeah, the date… uh, do you mind maybe giving me about… five minutes?”
Semi took a moment to respond, clearly still bewildered at Oikawa’s strange behavior. “Um, no, I don’t mind at all.”
“Okay, great! I promise I’ll be right out!”
Oikawa shut the door and hurried to the bathroom. Ten minutes later, he was done drying himself off and began combing his brunette hair in the mirror before quickly throwing on a light, blue flannel, and some gray jeans. It didn’t take long to make himself at least look decent. The smell, though, was a completely different monster. He had been able to get rid of most of it in the shower, but he was convinced that wasn’t enough. He put on some deodorant, and then a crap ton of perfume, and after that, he spent several minutes brushing his teeth before throwing down a handful of mints.
By the time he was done with everything, his phone indicated it was about 5:30 pm.
He grabbed his apartment key, turned off the TV, tossed on a pair of sneakers, and rushed to the front door. When he stepped out of his apartment, he first felt the strong sunlight you’d expect on a June day bathing him in warmth. Next, he saw Semi leaning on the rails of the apartment building, his hair blowing in the light summer breeze. Oikawa’s breath caught at the sight. Semi looked absolutely stunning. He quickly snapped himself out of his trance.
“I’m so sorry that took so long! So, uh, what do you want to-” Oikawa didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence when the most embarrassing noise emanated from his stomach, reminding him of the fact he hadn’t yet eaten anything that day.
Semi let out an ugly snort. “Well, I’d say our first plan of action would be to get something to eat. You told me about that one ramen place you like last night, why don’t we go there?”
Oikawa nodded in agreement, still cringing inwardly at the mention of his actions from the night before. Semi walked up to him and entwined their hands together. “Alright then, lead the way.”
The brunette looked down at their hands and began to stare, taking a moment to observe the ash blonde’s hand. He took in the sight of the long, delicate-seeming fingers laced between his own, and decided he liked the way their hands looked interwoven.
“Uh, are we gonna get going? If we don’t get a move on, we’ll miss the movie at 6:20.”
Oikawa was snapped back to the moment by the question. “Yeah, sorry I was just thinking about how good we look together.”
Semi was clearly startled at the comment. “Um, yeah, I guess we do.”
Fuck.
He’d done it again, he said something so stupid with such confidence.
What the hell is wrong with me! He probably thinks that was super weird. I mean we haven’t even been together for two months yet and the last date we went on was, like, two and a half weeks ago.
Embarrassment once again began flooding his face. “Sorry, that was weird of me to say. Let’s just get going.”
They began walking in silence, Oikawa leading the way to the ramen shop, their hands still entwined. Halfway there, Semi broke the silence.
“Ya know, I don’t think what you said back there was weird at all…”
Oikawa just nodded, unsure if he should trust his brain and mouth to not say something stupid again.
They walked the rest of the way in awkward silence. When they got to their destination, the clock on Oikawa’s phone read 5:48 pm. They walked in, passed the sign that read “Please seat yourself!” and decided on a table near the back of the restaurant.
Despite the busy appearance of the restaurant, it didn’t take long for someone to come and take their orders. They made small talk while waiting for their food, exchanging short “yeah”s and “uh-huh”s after either of them said something.
By the time their food came, Oikawa couldn’t help but feel that Semi was bored. Well, he had no evidence of this, there weren’t any obvious indicators on Semi’s face that he wasn’t interested in the date and it wasn’t like Semi outright said he was bored, but there was still no doubt in Oikawa’s mind that Semi was already tired of him.
A wave of emotions began to overwhelm him. There was still uncertainty around how he should talk to Semi. It wasn’t like this was his teammate and the setting was a volleyball court or a school courtyard where he knew he could talk to and tease him with the confidence that what he was going to say wasn’t going to make Semi uncomfortable or maybe even make him hate Oikawa. The man sitting across from him was meant to be more than just a friend or volleyball rival, and that shook Oikawa down to his very core.
He had been deeply lost to his own mind for probably several minutes when Semi finally spoke up.
“Hey, you’ve been staring at your bowl for quite a while now. Are you okay?”
Oikawa threw his head up, taken aback by the disturbance to his racing thoughts. He took a moment to collect himself before responding. “Ah, yeah, sorry about that… guess I just spaced out a little.” A soft smile spread across his face as reassurance that he was indeed okay. He didn’t want Semi to worry about him.
The ash-blonde gave him a skeptical look before softening his gaze. “Well, that’s good to hear,” and just like that, he was back to eating his ramen like nothing had happened.
Oikawa internally gave out a sigh of relief before starting on his own bowl.
They ate the rest of their food in relative peace, listening to the light chatter of the other customers in the background. They paid and left with a short trade of “thank you”s with the waiter at the front of the shop.
The clock on Oikawa’s phone read 6:09 pm.
“Alright, let’s get going. We’ll miss the beginning of the movie if we don’t hurry.”
Oh, right. The movie. The nearest theater was about a twenty-minute walk, so they ended up taking the bus. Regardless, Oikawa absolutely loathed the trip there. On the bus, the two of them sat in complete silence, prompting him to mire in his own self-deprecating thoughts. The idea that Semi was bored still swept across his mind, along with the want to say something, but the fear of what idiotic statement might come out of his mouth if he opened it stopped him from uttering a word.
Oikawa thanked every god that may or may not have existed when the bus finally came to a stop at the entrance of the theater.
Semi stood up and extended his hand towards Oikawa, a smile on his face. “Ya ready?” The brunette nodded and took the outstretched hand in his.
Apparently, the movie they were going to was the new sci-fi movie everyone was talking about, which actually made Oikawa quite excited. They headed in and were able to get into their seats just in time for the film to start.
The movie began, and Oikawa felt a heavy sense of impending doom throughout the entirety of the first half of the film; a voice in the back of his mind told him something awful was going to happen. But, he was surprised to find that nothing had happened by the halfway point of the movie, which brought Oikawa some comfort, and he found himself finally able to relax. He hadn’t realized until now just how tense his muscles were the entire time he had been with Semi.
Coming out of the theater, it was clear they both enjoyed themselves. They conversed and laughed about the cheesiness of the practical and computer-generated effects, and Oikawa squawked when Semi began to tease him for crying during the parts he found emotional. Even with the rocky start, the night ended up being quite fun, Oikawa thought.
The time indicated on Oikawa’s phone was about 8:40 pm.
It was late and Oikawa was ready to get back to his apartment, but before he could express this to the other, Semi promptly grabbed his hand. “I think we should take a walk before we head back.”
Oikawa was caught off guard at the offer and he took a moment to fully absorb Semi’s proposal, but as the initial surprise wore off, he found himself weary and unsure of what to do. He wanted to go home while he still hadn’t done anything too stupid.
“And why’s that?” He questioned the ash-blonde, the feeling of impending doom beginning to loom over him once again.
“I dunno, I guess I just wanna spend some more time with you. What, are you sick of me already?” Semi asked, a large, playful grin spreading across his face.
Well, obviously that wasn’t true, Oikawa did love being with Semi whatever scarce amount of time they got to hang out, but a voice in the back of his head told him he should just go now.
“I’m not sure. It’s getting pretty late…” Oikawa rubbed the nape of his neck, trying to come up with excuses, “and we’ve both got school in the morning, so…”
“Wait, you’re seriously trying to use that as an excuse? That you’re worried about it affecting you at school?” Semi raised an eyebrow. “That’s not what you told me the last time we were out together. In fact, if I’m remembering correctly, you were the one to convince me we should stay out past midnight.”
Oikawa stumbled through his mind for words. “W-well, ya know, I’ve just started thinking that maybe, uh-”
“C’mon, just a short walk, one block, and back. It’ll take, what, 15 minutes? The buses will still be running when we’re done.” Semi looked up at Oikawa with uncharacteristically pleading eyes. For God knows what reason, this man really wanted to go on a walk with him.
He thought about it for a moment before letting out a deep sigh in defeat, “Okay, but just down the block and back.”
Semi perked up at that, pulling Oikawa in the opposite direction of the nearby bus station. He set the pace to a slow stroll. The two of them ambled down the darkening, red-orange sidewalk, side by side, hand in hand. There were no other people around, allowing them to indulge in their own little silent world with no threat of outside disturbance. Oikawa didn’t know how long they stayed like that, letting the decreasing sunlight continually wash over them, a small, refreshing breeze coming in cycles every few seconds; he knew only that he was relishing in the tranquility of it all.
After some time, Semi broke the silence. “I was mostly joking before, but… I guess I do want to know if you’re seriously tired of me.”
The sincerity in Semi’s voice made the brunette’s heart clench up. “No, of course I’m not tired of you. What makes you think that?”
The ash-blonde turned his gaze down to the sidewalk and, in a soft voice, he said “I dunno, I’ve always seen you be super social when you’re around other people, interacting with them so easily, but I guess you’ve never really been very talkative when it’s just the two of us, especially tonight. So, I guess I’m worried you don’t like being around me.”
He didn’t know how to respond. He wanted to comfort Semi, reassure him that he still liked him, still wanted to be around him, but he had no idea how to articulate his feelings. He scrambled through his thoughts, trying to find something to say, but before he could come up with anything, Semi continued.
“And Oikawa…” he paused, clearly contemplating his next words. “Were you… did you get drunk last night… again?”
At those words, Oikawa came to a sudden halt, letting their hands slip apart and his head drop. Semi stopped no more than two steps ahead of him and turned around. Oikawa stood there, his head hanging down.
“Um, ya know, that was really rude of me… I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. We should head back.” Semi took a step towards him, extending out his hand, but it was too late, the damage had already been done.
Oikawa wasn’t sure why it was at that moment he couldn’t take it anymore. Why, at that moment, every horrible feeling and self-deprecating thought from the past two months raced through his mind and overwhelmed his entire being. Why, at that moment, red-hot shame took the form of eye-burning tears that spilled from eyes onto his face. He began to sob violently, hiccuping every other sporadic breath he took, snot beginning to run from his nose.
It was an ugly scene, but Oikawa had lost complete control of his emotions; there was no stopping it now.
He began to choke out words between sobs. “I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I’ve been trying so hard, so hard, to stop. But every night my own mind reminds me that I’m a piece of shit. That there’s no place for me in this world. Everyone else around me was born with a natural talent, an inherent reason to be alive, including you. And I can’t help but think to myself that my father was right, that I’ve wasted my entire life on an unattainable dream. Everything I’ve done and will ever do just won’t be enough. And you know, the only thing keeping these thoughts from completely consuming me is drowning them out with alcohol. And the reason I don’t talk when we go out is because I don’t know how to talk to you, I don’t know if the next worst thing to come out of my mouth is going to make you hate me. Every time I open my mouth, a voice in the back of my mind tells me I’m going to somehow fuck up whatever it is I’m trying to say and that I should just keep my trap shut…” He paused briefly to catch his breath. “So I’m sorry I can’t just make it stop, I’m sorry I can’t be perfect like everyone else, and I’m sorry I’m incapable of just talking to you like a normal fucking person!”
He was done with his tirade, but he continued sobbing, letting more of his tears hit the now darkened pavement below.
Eventually, Oikawa could feel arms around his torso and his body being pulled into a tight embrace. He dug his fingers into the back of Semi’s shirt and cried into his shoulder.
A moment later, Semi was speaking into Oikawa’s ear. “I’m so sorry that’s how you’ve felt all this time. I didn’t know. But now that I do, I want you to know that you don’t need some natural talent for your life to have value. You being alive gives your life inherent value. Nothing you’ve done has been a waste. You are enough simply by being you.” Oikawa listened and clung onto every single word. “And you don’t have to worry about talking with me and saying something dumb. I mean, have you heard some of the shit that’s come out of my mouth?” He let out a light chuckle. “There’s almost nothing you could say to me that would make me hate you.” He let out a sigh, still holding Oikawa tightly in his arms. “I know it’s not going to be easy, but you can get through this, and I swear I’ll be there every step of the way.”
Silence fell upon the couple, and they stood just like that for a while, letting themselves lose track of time.
Oikawa wasn’t sure what his future looked like and, quite frankly, he was scared of the possibilities. But, in that moment, the worry in his mind fell to the wayside; in that moment, all that mattered was the soothing warmth he felt in Semi’s arms, and the love he knew they held deep in their hearts for each other.