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Beca's not sure how she feels about her newfound celebrity. However minor it may be.
On the one hand; she's working on music she is actually proud of, with artists she at least vaguely respects rather than whichever client her managers stuck her with, and living better than she has since she was seventeen. Millions didn't fall into her lap but her bank account is looking healthy. Sure all Beca's done so far is open for DJ Khaled's opener and feature on a few tracks for artists barely more established than she is and work on her own album is going agonizingly slowly. But it is going.
She may never be one of those singer-songwriter talents, but two years of producing taught Beca a lot about how to build a song and she brings that into the studio every time. Maybe it'll take her a couple years, but her debut album is going to be the best damn thing Beca has made in her life. To date. However late she came to this, Beca doesn't plan on settling.
Unfortunately there's another side being a middling d-list celebrity. If even that. It's not getting recognized, which has only happened a couple of times so far anyways and which honestly sent a thrill down Beca's spine both times. Or the tedious meetings she's had about her image and brand and stage name. Though that was awful. It isn't even the sometimes crippling stress she has about the album or the occasional paparazzi shot she gets caught in.
Though the last is close to it.
Mostly she only gets caught in other, bigger, artists wakes. But every once and a while some pap will catch her and one of the Bellas out at lunch, or going shopping, or something like that and Beca will cringe to see herself.
Of course the Bella in question is usually overjoyed. Fat Amy insisted, the one time she was in town since she 'came into' money, that Beca was the one who should be honored. Cynthia-Rose shrugged and wondered if she should wear her uniform next time. Chloe preened. Aubrey scoffed but Beca saw her take the magazine with her when she left.
It happens rarely enough that the one is all most of them have gotten. Most. Emily has shown up in three pictures by this point. Of course the caption is usually innocent enough that after the first time Beca's heart rate barely even jumps.
No what sets Beca off with heart palpitations is what comes out of the online communities Beca has only recently become aware of, she's not sure why exactly but apparently lesbians and bi-women really like her. And what they really like about her is that they're apparently sure she's banging Legacy.
Which, obviously she does. And so much more. Even if she has the crush somewhat more under control than she did for the first few months after Emily moved in.
There are twitter threads, tumblr posts, and even one poorly edited youtube 'montage.' Quotation marks because there are a grand total of maybe a dozen pictures of the two of them out there. Granted, the posts and threads are so scattered and disappear into the vast sea of social media activity so fast Beca only usually finds them weeks later, but it's still nerve wracking. She dreads the thought of Emily stumbling across any of it.
Okay. Part of her might also hope for it, vainly wishing to have the issues of eventual confession ripped out of her hands.
But those thoughts usually spiral in a cycle of hoping and dreading until something snaps Beca out of it.
The first time it happens she calls Cynthia-Rose, partly because she's the only for sure gay in their group. Sure everyone has their suspicions about Ashley and Jessica but no one has ever actually asked. Beca's not so worried about the whole, crushing on a girl thing, she twigged to the fact that she was bisexual pretty early on and then very quickly decided romance and sex and love just wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Not when a marriage of over twelve years could crumble seemingly overnight.
Dating always seemed more trouble than it was worth in highschool. Between the Bellas and Jesse she's softened her stance a bit, but she hasn't really dated since they broke up either.
Cynthia-Rose has actually had the closest thing to a healthy long term relationship in their group, and maybe things fell through at the altar but she was ready and willing to take that step. So since Beca's feelings for Emily appear very much real and aren't showing signs of fading, she figures she should talk to someone about how to deal with them.
" 'Sup," comes Cynthia-Rose's scratchy voice.
There's a sound behind it that might be a woman or just the TV. Beca can't tell.
"Hey, um," fuck, she really has no clue how to do this. "It's Beca, by the way."
A moment, "Yeah," now the other woman sounds significantly more awake. "Phone's got caller ID."
"Right, right. That makes sense."
So another beat passes.
"There a reason you called me at," pause so she can check the time presumably. "One AM?"
Beca shrugs, realizes Cynthia-Rose can see it and says, "Um, yes. Can I, I mean will you keep a secret?"
Silence meets her questions.
"Did you kill a man?"
What?
"Dude, what?! No, why would you even think that?"
"Hm mm," Cynthia-Rose hums. "You rich and famous now."
She isn't even sure how to respond to that so instead she just circles back to her original point, "Look, I just want to know if you'll keep something from the other Bellas."
"Sure, girl."
"Okay," Beca blew out a breath, then drew in deeply and closed her eyes. "IhaveacrushonEmily."
Immediately Cynthia-Rose starts laughing, "Crush!" More laughter and something that sounds distinctly like annoyance.
She growls but the voice on the other end becomes faint and indistinct, like Cynthia-Rose has pulled away form the phone and thought Beca can't quite make out the words she can hear conversation going on. Definitely not just the TV then. After another moment, and a clear change of location, Cynthia-Rose is back on the line.
"Are you fourteen?"
Beca rolls her eyes, "Fine, feelings . Emotions, an attraction to."
A snort from the other woman, "This is Emily as in Legacy? As in lives with you Emily?"
"Yes."
"So what's the problem?"
"Wha- What's the problem? You're asking me what the problem is?"
Her voice reaches uncomfortable levels of volume in the moment and Beca immediately snaps her mouth shut and listens. Listens for any sound that might indicate Emily is awake and suddenly wondering what Beca is screaming about, and sound that might signal her sudden appearance at Beca's bedroom door. After several moments of silent waiting in which she can hear Cynthia-Rose laughing at her, she's pretty sure Emily is still fast asleep.
Those moments also give her time to consider what the actual problem is. Because beyond the terrifying prospect of Emily finding out she isn't actually sure. Well, okay, the fact that Emily is straight is a problem in the sense that it obviously makes the whole situation hopeless, but it isn't like Legacy is likely to be disgusted by her or anything. She's never had a problem with Cynthia-Rose after all.
"She could find out…" Beca says pathetically after several moments.
Cynthia-Rose counters, "You gonna tell her?"
"No?"
"Well then, what have you got to worry about?"
"Um," Beca begins. "There's these pictures someone took of us together."
"Hmm, send me a link."
It takes a minute or two for her to find the actual original article, Beca had been deep down the rabbithole by the time she actually called Cynthia-Rose. Then there's another agonizing moment for her to actually look through the pictures.
"You ain't ogling her, just looks like normal Beca to me," she says finally.
"It's not so much the pictures by themselves. See there's, like posts online where people say… they think we're dating."
Cynthia Rose laughs again, "Look. Here's the thing about lesbians, especially online, we will latch onto anything; two women touch? Must be getting down. Sharing a look? Have to be banging."
"Consequence of the overwhelming hetenormative bullshit we gotta put up with, we will inject some good lady lovin' anywhere we can."
"So if it's not something you want to deal with, you don't gotta," she adds.
"You're sure?" Beca asks, though she can already feel her panic starting to abate.
"I'm sure," Cynthia-Rose says, then with a yawn, "Now if you will excuse me. I need to get me some actual factual lady lovin'."
And without any more of a goodbye she's gone and Beca is left alone with just her own thoughts to comfort her. She groans and flops over to muffle it in her pillow.
*
*
The third time it happens, Cynthia-Rose actually calls her. Beca let the second bout of paparazzi photos pass without comment, though not without a bit of silent panic.
"Maaan, you got it baaad," is what greets her one afternoon in the middle of lunch at the studio.
Excusing herself Beca immediately goes to find the nearest empty room with a lock on the door.
"What are you talking about?"
"Latest pics of you and Legacy," Cynthia-Rose clarifies. "You are looking smitten."
She hasn't even seen them yet but if CR is saying it, it has to be true. Beca is in a panic now, she knows it, Cynthia-Rose knows it and everyone passing by knows it too because she locked herself in a room basically made up of windows. Forcing a smile on her face Beca turns away and drop[s her voice to a whisper.
An intense whisper.
"Fuck, fuck, fuck. Dude, what do I do?"
Her friend is still laughing on the other end, "Nothing?"
"Or… aren't you supposed to get over someone by getting under someone new?"
That is what movies and TV say. She doesn't really know how that goes from personal experience, by the time Beca and Jesse broke up they'd already drifted so far apart it was more like ripping off an old bandaid. A brief sting and then just relief. Her highschool relationships don't even warrant mentioning.
The idea of finding some stranger to sleep with nearly sets Beca's skin crawling. And it's not like she has anyone she trusts enough and is actually attracted to that she could go to for some strings-free sex even if she wanted to do that. Which she doesn't.
"Dude, I'm not going to go just bang someone to get over… like, feelings."
"You're the one who wanted ways to deal with this, Beca," Cynthia-Rose says. "Could always tell Legacy you want all up in her business."
Beca scoffs and rolls her eyes, "Right, great plan dude, why don't I just confess stupid giant crush to my straight roommate."
"Nnn."
That brought her up short, "What?"
"You don't think Emily is straight? Did she ping your gaydar, send you some secret lesbian sign?"
"Pfft, gaydar's bullshit," Cynthia-Rose huffed. "Nah, Legacy never said anything, but then neither did you. 'Till she says something I ain't making any assumptions."
"And now that we're on that, why you never told me?"
"What?" Beca asks, "That I was bisexual?"
"Yeah, if that's what you are."
She shrugged. The truth was Beca hadn't ever really thought about it, about telling other people about that part of herself. Mostly because it never came up. Even her parents don't know, she isn't hiding it exactly, but beyond a couple of very brief highschool boyfriends Beca just didn't date much. And never a girl.
It almost doesn't feel real sometimes, calling herself bisexual and it's not like anyone ever asks so Beca never really has to answer. It is what it is.
"Never came up," she says.
Cynthia-Rose hums, "We'll deal with that later. One crisis at a time. My point is, until you get an answer, you don't know what might happen; Emily might be into you."
"Literally the only person she's ever dated is Benji, a boy."
"Now come one, we don't know that. Girl could've dated whoever back home," says the woman on the other end. "Besides, have you ever dated another woman?"
"Well. No…"
"Mm, that's what I thought. Legacy might be bi too, or pan, or whatever. Some people don't figure out they're gay until way late."
"Pan?" Beca asks.
"What's that?"
A heavy silence meets her question and then a moment later, "Look, I can't sit here all day playing black queer oracle to your panicky white ass. That's something for you to look up on your damn own time."
"Either talk to Legacy or find some way to get over it, those are the healthy options you have."
Beca sighs, "Okay. Thanks Cynthia-Rose, I don't know what I'd be doing with you."
"Losing your damn mind is what," Cynthia-Rose says. "Take care, Beca."
Then she hangs up and Beca is left on her own again. Right now she needs to get back to work and she'll figure out what she is going to do about her Emily shaped feelings later.