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The last two days had been overwhelming for Blaine. First Burt had called and told him that he had cancer, and invited him to fly out to New York to see Kurt with him. Then there had been the excitement and rush of packing, the crowds and hustle of airports and the plane and downtown taxis. Blaine had been a bundle of nerves for over an hour at the skating rink before Kurt had arrived, not sure how his ex would react to seeing him—being surprised by him—after everything that had happened.
Yes, in that Thanksgiving phone call Kurt had said that he wanted to see him and talk with him at Christmas, but then when he announced that he wasn’t coming home to Lima after all Blaine had worried that maybe Kurt was avoiding having to see him in person again. It certainly hadn’t gone well the last time time they’d seen each other, at the opening night of Grease. Of course there had been phone calls and texts and even “I love yous” exchanged since then, but they hadn’t seen each other, and Blaine knew better than anyone that emotions in person can be different from emotions at a distance.
And now it was late Christmas Eve and Blaine had flown six hundred miles to surprise someone who may or may not even want to see him. Although Burt had called to tell him when Kurt was on his way, it hadn’t really mattered because Blaine had already been at the rink, too nervous to do anything else but just skate in circles and wait. And when Burt did finally call, Blaine’s nerves had gotten worse, and he’d gone on and off the rink a dozen times, skating back and forth in a icy version of pacing as he kept watch for the arrival of that face he knew so well.
That face he loved so well.
Of course, for all of Blaine’s watching, he had been on the wrong side of the rink when Kurt had arrived, and so Kurt had stood there, looking around in confusion for a moment before Blaine had reached the rail and breathlessly called out “package for Kurt Hummel!”
In the moment that Kurt turned around Blaine had an instant of wondering if he should have come. Kurt was definitely surprised, no question there. But was it a good surprise or a bad surprise?
Blaine stumbled over his explanations, distracted by the thought that maybe Kurt wasn’t happy to see him. But Blaine wasn’t one who could keep his feelings or thoughts bottled up for long and soon he heard himself asking “You are happy to see me, right?”
Kurt’s face had softened a little, if not completely. “Yeah, yeah. Always.”
* * *
Burt stood off to the side of the rink, watching them skate and sing together, and knew he had done the right thing in bringing Blaine to New York.
* * *
Christmas day had had it’s awkward moments, but for the most part Blaine had felt comfortable fitting into Kurt and Burt’s lives and space. In some moments he almost forgot that he and Kurt were only friends now. As they set the table for Christmas dinner Blaine had started singing Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas and Kurt had joined in with the harmony, apparently without even thinking about it. It was just natural for their voices to be together.
It is just natural for us to be together, Blaine thought. He knew his feelings probably showed in the way he looked at Kurt as they moved around each other in the kitchen, but he couldn’t help it. He still loved him, even though he’d hurt him, and especially now that he felt like he had a chance again Blaine wasn’t going to ruin this friendship.
Blaine hadn’t participated in most of the dinner conversation as Kurt and Burt reminisced over Christmases past. He had been content to just be there, near Kurt. Able to see him; able to hear his voice; able to touch his hand for a moment as they passed dishes back and forth. He wanted to take Kurt into his arms and just hold him but he knew he couldn’t. Not right now. But oh how he hoped that one day he could again.
* * *
Burt had gone to bed early, saying something about being tired, but Blaine suspected that he was trying to give him and Kurt time to talk before he and Burt had to fly home the next day. Rachel had given permission for Burt to stay in her bedroom, and he had disappeared behind the curtain more than an hour ago now. Kurt and Blaine had barely spoken as they cleared away the food and washed the dishes, working together with a natural synchronicity that Blaine had always noticed and never thought to question. He finished rinsing the last plate and handed it to Kurt to dry. Kurt deftly swiped the towel over the damp surface before reaching up to place the plate on a shelf at the same time as he offered the towel to Blaine to dry his hands.
"There are usually some specials or something on Christmas night," Kurt said as he walked purposefully toward the couch and picked up the tv remote.
"Okay," Blaine responded, following him and trying to decide how close was appropriate to sit to someone who was your best friend but ex-boyfriend but who you were still in love with. The couch had felt crowded earlier that day when they had been sharing it with Burt during the game, but now Blaine wished it were a bit smaller, so that he would have an excuse to sit close to Kurt. He sat at an angle, facing slightly toward the other boy, with his elbow propped on the back of the couch
Kurt flipped through channels for a few minutes, muttering about the lack of quality programming on basic cable, but Blaine hadn’t even noticed what was on. All he could do was rest his chin on his hand and look at Kurt.
"Well, I guess this is the best we can get," Kurt decided as the soft notes of a celebrity holiday concert came into the room. "It’s just as well I guess, it can be background noise to fill the spaces in what is likely to be an awkward conversation…" He shifted himself so that he was facing Blaine as well. "I did promise you that we could talk at Christmas Blaine. I wasn’t trying to get out of it. I just…" his voice trailed off. Blaine started to reach for his hand but Kurt pulled back. "I just don’t know what to say," Kurt finished awkwardly.
"I’m really really sorry, Kurt," Blaine blurted but Kurt quickly shushed him.
"I know you are Blaine. And I believe you. And actually I really just don’t want to talk about it anymore. Because I’m ready to move on with this relationsh…this friendship… But every time that comes up it rips me apart all over again.”
Blaine wasn’t sure how to respond. He was relieved and hopeful and his heart was somersaulting, but his stomach was twisting with guilt again too and he felt a little sick. So he didn’t say anything. Thankfully, he didn’t have to.
"Do you think we can do this?" Kurt asked. "Can we start over and have that amazing friendship again?"
"We have a history, Kurt," Blaine said quietly. "I don’t know if it’s possible to really start over if you have a history. Even if we agree that we won’t talk about the bad parts of it, there were good parts too…"
"Really good parts…" Kurt murmured, nodding.
"Do we have to forget those parts too?" They sat looking at each other as the question hung in the air between them. Blaine had been looking at Kurt all day, but when they’d made eye contact Kurt had usually looked away. Now he didn’t.
"I don’t know what I’m doing, Blaine," Kurt said finally. "I just know that you’re my best friend. And I’m glad we’re talking again, and I’m so glad that you’re here now, but I really don’t know what will happen from here on out. We live hundreds of miles apart and long-distance relationships…" Blaine inhaled sharply and Kurt wrinkled his nose at him as he continued. "…relationships including friendships, are bound to struggle in that situation. I think we just need to step back from any assumptions about what this is between us, and just play it by ear.”
"Can we really do that?" Blaine asked, not knowing what it would really mean, but also knowing that he very much wanted to try.
A smile broke across Kurt’s face. “Hey, when have we ever let reality get in the way of us?!” He leaned in and Blaine finally got—and gave—the hug he had been waiting for for months. The hug that was tight and strong and safe. The hug that told him that they were going to be alright. A smile played at the corners of his lips as he whispered back “okay.”
Blaine wasn’t sure how long they stayed there, just holding each other like they had both needed to for so long. Blaine had forgotten that the Christmas concert was still playing in the background until he heard Kurt’s voice softly start beside his ear, joining the one from the television.
I am dreaming tonight of a place I love
Even more than I usually do
Blaine sat back, one hand still on Kurt’s shoulder and the other sliding down his arm to rest in his hand, and came in with the next line
And although I know it’s a long road back
I promise you…
Kurt’s eyes glistened in the dim light. Blaine wasn’t sure if it was a reflection from the twinkle lights on the tree or if there were tears in his eyes, but he suspected that his own eyes were the same.
Kurt’s voice shifted into the harmony part as they continued singing along.
I’ll be home for Christmas
You can count on me
Please have snow and mistletoe
And presents on the tree
Kurt slowly stood up, but he didn’t drop Blaine’s hand. Instead he pulled him out past the coffee table and into the open space by the kitchen. Neither of them had to say anything, it just came naturally to drape their arms around each other and sway to the music as they sang.
Christmas Eve will find you
Where the love light gleams
I’ll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams
Blaine was close enough now to smell Kurt, that soft yet polished blend of laundry detergent, moisturizer, and aftershave with just the lightest hint of some musky cologne that Blaine had almost forgotten. Being here, or being anywhere really…with these smells, and these arms…this was home for Blaine. He imagined that it always would be.
Christmas Eve will find me
Where the love light gleams
I’ll be home for Christmas
If only in my dreams
The lights on the tree went blurry as Blaine’s eyes teared up, and impulsively he wrapped both arms around Kurt as tightly as he could in an effort to say what he felt. As Kurt squeezed back Blaine felt the muscles of Kurt’s cheek move against his own, and knew that he was smiling too.
If only in my dreams
* * *
Burt pulled back the curtain of Rachel’s room so that it was fully closed again. He had peeked out at the two boys when they had started singing, but he didn’t want to intrude. They had things to figure out still of course, but he had a feeling that he’d be seeing them together for as long as he lived. He could only hope that that would be many many years to come.