Chapter Text
Two Doofus Ricks sit in the middle of a coffee shop. They look exactly alike except for the small yellow ring around one Doofus Rick's finger. It gleams in the light as he gestures.
J-19-Zeta-7 bends forward, looking at J-19-Omega-12's ring. "Do you want to see?" Omega-12 asks. Zeta-7 flushes, about to apologize for staring, when Omega-12 smiles kindly and slips off the ring. "There's an inscription inside the band," Omega-12 says. J-19 takes the ring and holds it inside.
"I-is that your anniversary?" J-19 asks. He sees the small, delicate numbers engraved on the inside of the band.
"Yeah! Diane suggested it, so I wouldn't forget."
J-19 grins and hands the ring back to him.
A barista calls out, "order for Rick!" and Omega-12 rises apologetically: unlike Omega-12, Zeta-7 told the barista to use "Ricardo" on the cup - when they ordered, they both froze when the barista asked them what names to use, when J-19 blurted out, "Ricardo." ("Wait, a-a-are you sure?" Omega-12 said. "Y-you can use Rick, I can use Ricardo."
"I-I mean, it's your universe," J-19 said. "Technically you're the Rick over here.")
A couple grad students walk into the shop as Omega-12 sits down. "Oh my god, Dr. Sanchez! I didn't know you have a twin!" she says. Omega-12 smiles.
"H-hi, Ruby! Y-yeah. This is my counterpart...he-he's also Dr. Sanchez."
"Hello," J-19 says, smiling. The grad students smile and shake his hand.
"Oh my god, Dr. Sanchez, this is gonna sound totally weird, but...can we take a picture?" one of the grad students says. "We didn't know you guys were twins!"
"Sure," Omega-12 says, and he and J-19 smile as they take their picture.
"Can you, can you send it to me?" Omega-12 says, and the grad student nods, grinning, and texts it to his phone.
"Wow," Omega-12 says. J-19 peers over his shoulder.
Twin Doofus Ricks, smiling over cups of coffee - it's actually not bad a picture.
"You know, I know them both i-i-in my universe," J-19 says, as the grad students leave. "Actually, in my universe, they started dating."
"Really?" Omega-12 says. "Gosh, my colleagues and I always suspected...I-I-I wonder if my grad students are dating too."
They talk. Besides the wedding ring, there are other slight differences: Zeta-7 drinks his coffee black, while Omega-12 opts for a latte amped up with extra sugar packets; Omega-12's wallet is filled with pictures of his family while Zeta-7's wallet is empty.
"So, so, so how did you end up with Diane?" Zeta-7 says.
"Oh," Omega-12 says, smiling. "She asked me."
"Really?"
"Yeah! I-I-I was so surprised. She asked me for a cup of coffee a-a-and we went out on a date."
"Wow, that's so interesting! My Diane never talked to me, and I-I-I was too nervous to talk to her."
They hold their cups, mirror images of each other except for the wedding band on one Doofus Rick's hand.
"Actually," Omega-12 says, quietly. "Sometimes, I-I get kind of lonely." J-19 lifts his eyes.
Omega-12's hands take the shape of his coffee cup. His eyes grow distant and hazy. "Losing Diane was the worst thing in my entire life," Omega-12 says. "I wish she weren't the one who died. I wish it had been me."
"I'm sorry," J-19 says, but Omega-12 shakes his head.
"As much as it hurts now, I was lucky enough to be with her. I-I can't imagine what my life would be like, you know, i-if I'd never been with her."
They look at their cups, silently.
"Jesus," someone says, and the two Doofus Ricks look up. C-137 Rick is standing behind them. "What the fuck, this is like the most depressing scene in the coffee shop. W-w-w-what do you two dipshits have to cry for? Did someone shit in your latte?"
"Hi Rick," Zeta-7 says, smiling. Omega-12 rises.
"Hi. I-I'm Rick J-19-Omega-12. Uh, Widowed Doofus Rick."
"C-137. Terrorist Rick."
"I really wish you wouldn't call us Doofus Rick," Zeta-7 says frowning, as Omega-12 and C-137 shake hands.
"Did you, did you order a coffee yet?" Omega-12 asks. He sits back down as C-137 takes a chair. C-137 shakes his head.
"Eh, I got my own shit," C-137 says, and he opens his flask and takes a swig.
*****
"So yeah. Murdered a few people, blew up some shit, joined the intergalactic resistance...eventually I fuckin' slowed down, you know, did my own shit. Started selling weapons and technology a-a-and whatever hard-to-get-to shit for money."
"Wow," Omega-12 says, while Zeta-7 nods, listening. "So then, did you bring Diane?" Omega-12 asks.
"What?" C-137 says.
"Diane," Omega-12 repeats. "Y-you did all that stuff, w-w-what happened with your Diane?"
"Oh." C-137 takes his coffee and pours in the contents of his flask. "Divorced."
Omega-12 leans forward. "Really?"
"Yeah. It was a fuckin' waste. It's embarrassing to think I urrp bought into that bullshit in the first place."
"Diane was the most wonderful thing in my life, h-h-how could you feel that way?" Omega-12 says. C-137 leans forward.
"Jesus, are you kidding me? I thought you were a genius," C-137 says. "It's just pheromones and chemical reactions and shit."
"Are all regular Ricks like this?" Omega-12 asks Zeta-7. C-137 sighs tragically.