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TG: what did you need jade
TG: sorry i didnt see this sooner fuck
You fucking buffoon. Why do you bother with this shit? You know Dave has better things to do than talk to you. Nevertheless, you respond to his message.
GG: oh, hey dave!!
TG: jade cmon
GG: im okay!! no worries
TG: believe it or not im genuinely concerned
TG: you cant just expect to message me out of nowhere super urgently and then brush it off like it was fuckin nothing
Seems like you’ve been caught red-handed. No matter how awful you feel, it’s futile to dodge these questions.
GG: haha uh
GG: well im sorry about that!!
GG: i shouldve been clearer :(
GG: its just…
You pause. It feels stupid to talk about this. Dave doesn’t exactly have an easy life where he can just drop everything to help you for feeling a little lonely.
TG: just what?
GG: please dont laugh at me but
GG: ive been really lonely these days
GG: its hard to talk about it with anyone at all if im being totally honest so im sorry for bugging you about it
GG: but out of everyone i could think of, i guess it seemed easiest to talk to you i guess
GG: sorry, i know thats a lot of pressure :(
TG: well thats rough stuff my guy
TG: can i ask why me though
Ugh. Does he have to rub it in so much? You know he doesn’t mean to be hurtful, but it still feels harsh to you.
GG: uh well.
GG: i dunno!!
TG: jade you cant just not know
GG: well its embarrassing!!
TG: since when are you the CEO of being embarrassed
GG: ugh
GG: you say that like i dont even have feelings, dude!!
GG: but anyways
GG: i dunno.
GG: no matter how close i wanna be to rose, it feels like she doesnt like talking to me, like i just annoy her!! so bugging her about this would probably make me feel worse since i dont even think she likes my company
GG: and john… i dunno. i feel like maybe he wouldnt understand? he means well and i know that but!!! its hard!!!
GG: it feels like im kinda just… unimportant, yknow?
TG: damn
TG: i didnt expect that
GG: sorry…
TG: its fine dude
TG: i kinda get that feeling if im being honest
TG: i dont think rose has anything against you but thats intimidating
TG: and johns great and i love him but his advice can be more white-suburban-mom-esque than a goddamn live laugh love sign above a fireplace yknow
GG: i do not know
TG: right right
TG: island shit
TG: is that part of it too?
GG: oh probably?
GG: thatd make a lot of sense since im kind of totally removed from other people
GG: so itd have an impact on the amount of loneliness i feel on a day to day basis
TG: yeah id guess it does
TG: i kinda get that
TG: not because i live on an island by myself necessarily
TG: but shits not exactly easy here either
GG: what do you mean dave?
TG: well its not something you really know about cuz ive only talked to john about it
TG: not because i dont trust you or anything
TG: its just genuinely shitty
TG: and i dont really want to be known for it
GG: i think thats fair… but if you want to talk ever, im here
TG: okay
TG: well i dont really go to school like john and rose do
TG: thats why im online as much as i am
GG: well that makes sense!!
TG: yeah you probably could have guessed that
TG: but its not really for a great reason
TG: my bro isnt the best guardian
GG: ohhhh
TG: im kind of isolated from everyone except for him
TG: and i dont want to go into details really but id really rather not be around him most of the time
TG: so i get how you feel
GG: im sorry dave
TG: its chill, its not like theres anything you can do
GG: i know, but it sucks
TG: sure does
TG: fuck sorry jade
TG: i got on my own shit for a while there you didnt ask for that
GG: its okay dave
GG: can i ask you a question??
TG: shoot
GG: what time is it where you are again? im really bad at keeping track…
GG: oooh!! i should get 3 more clocks for my room set to u, roses, and johns timezones…
TG: it’s uhhhhh
TG: 2:33 am
GG: DAVE!!!!
GG: gosh its 4:33 pm here i had no idea
GG: i really dont wanna keep you up
TG: its chill
TG: i really dont mind being up late i mean
TG: everyone is asleep but thats not always bad
TG: rose and john usually go to sleep earlier but being by myself is fine
TG: nothin wrong with a little me time
GG: if you say so but i think you could use some rest!!
TG: hmmmmmm
GG: dont hmm me dave!!
GG: you need to take care of yourself
TG: im aware thanks
TG: just dont want you to feel responsible for me being awake yknow
GG: ???
TG: i stay up late anyways im usually just not online
GG: oh
GG: well you still need to sleep soon!! or at least get off your laptop
GG: blue light is bad for your eyes and im afraid your shades dont protect against it!!
TG: you still havent really told me what you were upset about
You lean back and sigh. You were hoping he forgot about that by now, but Dave’s emotional intelligence is surprising you today. He seems to care more than he’s ever let on before, and it feels like he’s got a right to know what’s really wrong. You know he’s smart enough to know it’s about loneliness, but it’s hard to say it outright.
GG: i think you know what it is dave, i dont wanna bug you
TG: well bugs are cool so
TG: bug away jade
There’s an offer you can’t refuse. It’s pointless not to be honest.
GG: ugh well
GG: i just feel so terribly lonely all of the time!!
GG: i know you met john and rose through me but it feels like im superfluous to our entire group
GG: i mean john and rose have been friends for a really long time
GG: you and john are very sweet together
GG: and you and rose are like siblings
GG: i just feel like a wallflower!! i watch everything but no one really cares about me or notices me
GG: i live across the world and you all arent half a day apart from each other
GG: and it feels terrible to feel this way!!!!!
GG: its lovely and wonderful to have close friends and loved ones and i really dont want to take that away from any of you
GG: i love you all so so so much but it just feels stupid to care
GG: it feels like im the loneliest girl in the world
GG: how melodramatic is that?
GG: im sorry dave
Before you realize it, you look down at your keyboard and see teardrops on the keys. When you reach to take your glasses off, the droplets are there too and your cheeks are wet. It’s not like the words you said are news to you. Why are you crying? Why are you getting more and more sad, even though you know nothing will really change? Your palm is pressed to your face, trying to wipe away the tears before you realize it’s just made your hand wet. Blinking, you look up from your hand to the screen, which has replaced your green text with a familiar screen of red.
TG: hey hey jade
TG: its okay
TG: i asked what was wrong and i care, i dont mind listening dude
TG: its like. feels like everyone could live without you and be fine, right?
TG: but think about it being one of us
TG: say rose felt that way yknow
TG: youd be like “aw fuck rose nah youre cool as shit everyone fuckin loves you”
TG: maybe you feel like its stupid like that doesnt apply to you
TG: but i know it does jade.
TG: john sees you as a sister and he loves you i know that hes always so happy to hear from you, fucking gay little bitch
TG: and rose isnt great at communicating her true emotions yknow
TG: somethin i got in common with her sadly
TG: but i know she likes you and likes talking to you shes just used to mindgames and shit and you arent like that at all jade
TG: im like 420% sure that she wants to get to know you better
TG: and yes you introduced me to the love of my life which is kind of like the coolest thing anyone could ever do
TG: but i value u beyond that dude
TG: like being honest with my feelings is not my shit so bare with me but
TG: youre my oldest and kind of my first friend jade
TG: i know were very different people but you stick around and do shit for me that other ppl never would and
TG: no romo but i love you a lot
TG: no matter how lonely you feel, were here for you
And the waterworks keep coming.
GG: oh dave you dont have to say all of that
TG: too bad already did
GG: ugh youre stubborn
You say that like you mind, but you’re happier than you’ve been in weeks, despite what the tears rolling down your cheeks might imply.
TG: you know i mean it all right
GG: well duh… im not that stupid haha
TG: i know your joking but youre very smart jade cmon
GG: thank you dave. i know im being kind of dogy and im still really emotional but it really means more to me than i can find the words to properly express it, yknow?
TG: you should start rapping jade
TG: find the right words hella fast
TG: didnt you rap yonkers once on call that was pretty fire
TG: i mean i know tyler the creator isnt great but that was rad
TG: shit thats off topic
GG: im glad you finally realized that dummy :)
TG: ohhh smiley face is back in the mix
TG: i was gettin worried since you hadnt sent one this whole time
TG: i mean there were some frowns at the start but those arent the same yknow
GG: yeah, i know :)
GG: but if i can be serious for a moment, i really appreciate what you said and i love you, no romo
TG: im glad i could help you jade
TG: you deserve to know how awesome you are
TG: also sorry for the sudden leave but its also like… 3 am now and thats my bedtime so
GG: ooooh, dave out here with the bedtime!!
GG: not so cool now, huh? >:)
TG: its self imposed so its cool as shit
GG: suuuuure
TG: goodnight jade, i love you
GG: goodnight dave, i love you!! get some good sleep
TG: you too
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering gardenGnostic [GG]
“You too?” It’s 5 p.m. in the Philippines, why would you need to-
Oh. You’re already asleep. The conversation you had with Dave must have been more comforting than you thought, and the sun setting in your window sill isn’t a bad touch. You feel Becquerel curl up at your side as you drift asleep in front of your computer, feeling lucky to be able to be understood and loved so deeply by your friends. Maybe it doesn’t matter how far away they all are. You’re not alone. Not anymore.