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WELCOME BACK. TO MY BODACIOUS CRIB. I THINK YOU WILL FIND. THAT MY SHITTY GOBLINS. SOME OF THEM ANYWAY. ARE FANTASTIC HOSTS.
AND I. AM A FANTASTIC TELLER OF STORIES. ABOUT ME. THESE ARE THE ONLY STORIES WORTH THINKING ABOUT. OBVIOUSLY.
NOW THAT YOU ARE TUNED IN. TO THE CALIBORN CHANNEL. BROADCASTING ON GREEN AMBITIOUS YOUTHS NETWORK. OR *GAY* NETWORK. FOR SHORT. I CAN TELL YOU A STORY ABOUT HOW I LEARNED. THAT I AM IN FACT. THE BEST VERSION OF ME. AND THEREFORE. THE BEST BEING IN ALL UNIVERSES.
IT STARTED WHEN I TOOK A NAP. WHICH I KNOW IS AGAINST MY VERY NATURE. AS SOMEONE WHO PUTS HIS NASAL ORIFICE. TO THE MOTHERFUCKING. GRINDSTONE. AT ALL TIMES. BUT EVERY GAMER. SOMETIMES CRASHES. I AM ONLY A CHERUB. I HAVE MY NEEDS.
ANYWAY. RIGHTEOUS GAMER EXHAUSTION ASIDE. I WOKE UP IN MY ROOM IN THE METEOR I SHARED. WITH MY ABHORRENT SISTER. AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF. *WHY THE FUCK. AM I BACK HERE? THIS PLACE IS ALMOST WORSE. THAN THE ROOM THE CLOWN PREPARED FOR ME. AND DEFINITELY WORSE. THAN MY TIGHT-ASS MANSION.*
SO I LEAVE THE SHITTY ROOM. ALSO OBVIOUSLY. THAT IS WHAT ANY MAN OF INTELLIGENCE WOULD DO. AND WHAT DO I FIND. BUT ANOTHER CHERUB. WITH SOME ROCKING SUSPENDERS?
I APPROACH THIS GENTLE MAN. EVEN THOUGH. ANY RESPECTABLE CHERUB. IS NOT GENTLE. IT’S A LOANWORD. DIPSHIT. ANYWAY. THIS STRANGE BRO. IS SITTING ON THE METEOR DUST. NOT PARTICIPATING IN A LIFE OR DEATH GAME. TO PROVE THAT HE HAS THE BIGGEST DICK. IN ALL OF PARADOX SPACE. WHICH DOES NOT NEED PROVING. OBVIOUSLY.
CALIBORN: HEY. ASSHOLE. WHY ARE YOU ON MY METEOR. GET OFF MY METEOR. I NEED IT FOR THINGS. OF COSMIC IMPORTANCE.
AND TO MY SURPRISE. WHEN HE TURNED. HE ALSO HAD THE GOD TIER PAJAMAS. WHICH INSPIRE AWE IN ALL WHO SEE THEM. EXCEPT ME. BECAUSE I HAVE ALSO. SEEN THE PAJAMAS.
OTHER TIME PLAYER: EAT SHIT. I’M HERE BECAUSE THIS IS MY DREAM BUBBLE. I’M DEAD.
OTHER TIME PLAYER: YOU’RE HERE BECAUSE YOU’RE ASLEEP. OR ALSO DEAD.
OTHER TIME PLAYER: WHICH WOULD BE NICE.
OTHER TIME PLAYER: BECAUSE I FUCKING HATE YOU ALREADY.
OF COURSE. I AM SHOCKED. EVEN THOUGH AS LORD OF TIME. I KNEW ALL ALONG. THAT HE WOULD SAY THIS TO ME. OBVIOUSLY. I JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND. HOW ANYONE. COULD TALK BACK TO THEIR GOD. AND FUTURE DESTROYER. AND GENERALLY COOLEST GUY. THEY WILL EVER MEET?
CALIBORN: NO
I SAID TO HIM.
CALIBORN: YOU EAT SHIT.
CALIBORN: THIS IS *MY* METEOR.
CALIBORN: I DO NOT CARE. IF YOU ARE A LOSER. WHO DIED.
CALIBORN: GET LOST.
OTHER TIME PLAYER: WOW. YOU ARE SOMEHOW EVEN DUMBER. THAN CALLIOPE.
CALIBORN: HOW DO YOU KNOW. MY SISTER’S NAME.
OTHER TIME PLAYER: BECAUSE I AM YOU. YOU STEAMING HOT PILE OF GARBAGE.
CALIBORN: FUCK YOU.
CALIBORN: IF YOU ARE ME, YOU WOULD NEVER HAVE LOST IN THE FIRST PLACE.
IT IS AT THIS POINT. THAT I REALIZE. THAT THIS CHERUB’S CLOTHING. IS STRIKINGLY SIMILAR TO MINE. WHERE I PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT. HE JUST HAD. PHENOMENAL TASTE.
IT IS ALSO AT THIS POINT. THAT I REALIZE. HE IS NOT DESERVING. OF ANOINTMENT IN HIS SIBLING’S BLOOD. OR OF CLAIMING THE FINAL UPPERCASE LETTER. BECAUSE IMAGINE. LOSING THE GAME. THAT THE UNIVERSE. DECIDED YOU AND ONLY YOU SHOULD PLAY. LIKE AN IDIOT. BUT MOSTLY BECAUSE HE IS IMPLYING. THAT IT IS POSSIBLE FOR *ME* TO LOSE.
CALIBORN: GuESS WHAT. WE CAN LOSE.
CALIBORN: DEAL WITH IT. LIKE I HAVE HAD. TO DEAL WITH IT.
CALIBORN: NO. I AM THE BEST. AT THIS SHITTY GAME. OBVIOUSLY.
CALIBORN: HOW DO YOu NOT uNDERSTAND THIS.
CALIBORN: YOu ARE A LORD OF TIME. YOu SHOuLD HAVE HAD TO MEET. AN EARLIER. OR LATER. VERSION OF YOuRSELF.
CALIBORN: WE ARE THE SAME FuCKING PERSON.
CALIBORN: NO WE AREN’T.
CALIBORN: FOR US TO BE THE SAME PERSON. I WOULD HAVE TO BE A LOSER. WHICH I AM NOT.
CALIBORN: OBVIOUSLY.
CALIBORN: THERE ARE YOuS. WHO ARE LOSERS.
CALIBORN: JuST LIKE. THERE ARE CALLIOPES. WHO ARE WINNERS.
CALIBORN: [SHuDDERS. IN A MANLY WAY.]
CALIBORN: NOW I *KNOW*. YOU ARE STUPID. OR INSANE. OR BOTH.
CALIBORN: I COULD NEVER LOSE. TO THAT WHINY. WIMPY. BITCH.
CALIBORN: GO SEE. FOR YOuRSELF.
CALIBORN: PARADOX SPACE. IS RIGHT AROUND HERE. FuCKALL EVERYWHERE.
CALIBORN: SHE’S THERE. SOMEWHERE. SOMEWHEN.
CALIBORN: WE’RE BETTER AT THE LAST PART.
CALIBORN: STOP CALLING US *WE*. WE ARE NOT THE SAME.
CALIBORN: STOP SPEWING CLOWN GOOP. FOR TWO MINuTES.
CALIBORN: I *KNOW* YOu KNOW HOW LONG MINuTES ARE. I WILL FuCKING TIME YOU.
CALIBORN: THE THING IS. WE ARE ALSO GOOD. AT KEEPING OUR NASAL ORIFICES. TO THE MOTHERFuCKING GRINDSTONE.
CALIBORN: MY PLAN. WAS TO SIMPLY LOOK EVERYWHERE. AND FuCK THE WHOLE uNIVERSE uP. IF I HAD TO.
CALIBORN: BECAUSE ON TOP OF KILLING THAT SLuT.
CALIBORN: I WOuLD GET TO BREAK THINGS. WHICH SOuNDS FuN.
CALIBORN: IT HAS BEEN TWO MINUTES. YOU TALK SLOW. IDIOT.
CALIBORN: YOU TALK. AT THE SAME RATE-
CALIBORN: MY TURN! MY TURN. SHUT THE FUCK UP.
CALIBORN: THAT IS AN EXCELLENT PLAN. I AM SO GLAD. THAT I THOUGHT OF IT. BEFORE ANYONE ELSE.
CALIBORN: AND DON’T YOU THINK. OF TAKING MY IDEA.
CALIBORN: I LITERALLY JuST TOLD YOu. THAT I WAS THE ONE. WHO THOuGHT OF IT.
CALIBORN: YES. BUT WE ARE THE SAME PERSON. SO. I THOUGHT OF IT.
CALIBORN: OBVIOUSLY.
CALIBORN: I THOuGHT YOu SAID. WE ARE NOT THE SAME. YOu INTLLECTuAL PROPERTY THIEF.
CALIBORN: WE MOST CERTAINLY. ARE NOT THE SAME. DIPSHIT.
CALIBORN: MAKE uP. YOuR FuCKING MIND. YOU COLOSSAL SNAKE.
CALIBORN: HEY. WATCH YOUR FUCKING LANGUAGE. THERE WILL BE CHILDREN. BEARING WITNESS. TO THE MOMENT I DEVISED A PLAN. TO KILL CALLIOPE.
CALIBORN: YOu MEAN. THE MOMENT I TOLD YOu ABOUT IT.
CALIBORN: THE MOMENT. WE. CAME UP WITH IT.
CALIBORN: I HOPE THE CLOWN. ATTEMPTS TO HuGSJKFASHNFJKAN YOu.
CALIBORN: [SHUDDERS. IN A MANLIER WAY.]
CALIBORN: I AM GOING TO SHOOT HIM. WHEN I SEE HIM. JUST BECAUSE THAT IS SOMETHING. HE IS CAPABLE OF DOING.
CALIBORN: GIVE HIM A MAGAZINE. FROM ME.
CALIBORN: OF COURSE. BUT NOT BECAUSE. YOU ASKED ME TO.
THERE IS A MOMENT. WHERE WE SIT IN SILENCE. DREADING THE EMBRACEHJHJJFSNK. OF THE CLOWN.
AFTER THE MOMENT HAS PASSED. AND YES. IT WAS EXACTLY ONE MOMENT. HE WAS RIGHT ABOUT. ONE THING. AND IT WAS THAT I AM A LORD OF TIME. I DEMANDED FROM HIM. WHAT I WANTED.
CALIBORN: ANYWAY. ASSHOLE.
CALIBORN: GET OFF MY METEOR. HOW DO YOU LEAVE.
CALIBORN: I ALREADY TOLD YOu. I DIED. THIS IS WHERE I LIVE NOW.
CALIBORN: WAKE uP. AND YOu WON’T HAVE TO SHARE. THE SAME LOCATION AS ME.
CALIBORN: THANK FuCK.
CALIBORN: COOL. THE SOONER I CAN GET BACK. TO *WINNING*. THE BETTER.
CALIBORN: LOSER.
CALIBORN: WE ARE. THE SAME PERSON.
CALIBORN: WE ARE NOT.
CALIBORN: AND HERE IS HOW. I KNOW WE ARE NOT.
CALIBORN: WE MADE. DIFFERENT DECISIONS.
CALIBORN: WE HAVE HAD. DIFFERENT EXPERIENCES.
CALIBORN: AND THE SUM. OF THOSE EXPERIENCES. AND DECISIONS.
CALIBORN: LEAD YOU TO BE. A FUCKING LOSER.
CALIBORN: AND THEREFORE. YOU ARE DIFFERENT. FROM ME.
CALIBORN: THAT’S NOT. HOW ALTERNATE uNIVERSES. EVEN WORK.
CALIBORN: YES. IT IS. BECAUSE I SAY IT IS.
CALIBORN: NOW I WILL SAY. FOR THE LAST TIME. TO GET OFF MY FUCKING METEOR.
AND THEN I PULLED OUT MY SICK CANE. AND SHOT HIM TO DOUBLE DEATH. AND THEN SHOT THE CLOWN SEVERAL TIMES. IN HIS MEMORY. BECAUSE DESPITE BEING A LOSER. HE WAS ALSO CALIBORN.
ANYWAY. NOW YOU. MY ADORING FANS. CAN REST ASSURED. THAT I AM NOT JUST. THE BEST IN THE UNIVERSE. BUT THE BEST CALIBORN. MAKING ME. THE BEST. OF THE BEST. ALL OF THE OTHER DEAD CALIBORNS. ARE JUST THAT. DEAD. AND ALSO BIG ENOUGH PUSSIES. TO DIE IN THE FIRST PLACE.
WHEREAS I. THE ALPHA. AND I DO NOT MEAN. TIMELINE. HAVE NEVER DIED. LIKE AN IDIOT. I PLAY THE GAME BETTER. I DO NOT MAKE MISTAKES. I AM IN A LEAGUE ABOVE. THE IMITATORS. AND THE HATERS. I ALWAYS WILL BE.
AND I HAVE BEEN. ALL ALONG.