Work Text:
Call me young and call me reckless, let a stranger close to me. Just one look and I knew better, promised sights I've never seen.
Once a mistake, twice just foolish, comes to you I'm so Naive. Whatever you say I'll do it, moth to flame you take the lead.
Mai should have known better, she realised as she considered exactly what she'd known about her young boss. Evidently, the answer was nothing.
But she was young and reckless. She'd seen a chance to learn more, to see more, to understand more and she'd taken it. Like a moth to a flame, she'd been drawn in by that slight smirk and those deep blue eyes; determined to see something in the other teenager that might have never been there.
Or maybe it had been, she wasn't sure anymore. Wasn't sure of anything about past year of her life.
She should have known, should have remembered how easy it was to see through his weak facade and unsmiling eyes in the beginning, but she'd been captivated by his intelligence and good looks. Just like every other girl ever, she recognised now with a level of cynicism that she'd previously thought impossible in herself.
But in the moments that she's shared with him, she had truly thought that they had been closer than that.
That was her own weakness. Her own naivety.
I know my mama taught me better, cracked beneath your gentle pressure. Made me beg like I have never, you're no good for me my stranger.
Her mother had taught her better than this. After losing the only love she'd ever had in her life she'd encouraged caution when it came to choosing who to fall for – as if it had ever been in their own hands to choose just who they'd love in the end.
Maybe she'd seen the signs in Mai that she'd seen in her father in the early years of their relationship, high school sweethearts as they'd been. He'd been persistent, sure of who and what he wanted and prepared to go to any lengths to achieve that goal.
She'd been told she was a Taniyama through and through in her stubbornness, it wouldn't be a stretch to say that she would be the same in falling in love as well.
Neon lights and sticky counters, in a haze we disappear. I disregard the ringing warnings, while you whisper in my ear.
But unlike her father, she'd made the wrong choice (again, like she'd even had the chance to deny her heart before she realised what exactly had happened). The warning signs had been in the cold shoulder he'd given her and the information he'd refused to offer for unexplained reasons; they had been in the whispered English and shoddily hidden maps on desks when she offered the requested tea.
And she'd ignored every single one.
Because she was weak.
She was lonely.
And she was so very in love.
Fly across the world in secret, made a paradise with me. But reality keeps rolling, counting down ‘till when you leave.
But she could see it now. She could see the evidence of the countdown. Not in the countless maps that had been discarded, circles and crosses marking their surfaces.
No, the true countdown had been in her gut.
It had been in the way her instincts had screamed from the moment they'd left for this case, drowned out by everything else that had happened but ringing all the louder as they began their return trip to Tokyo.
One day, she would learn to read those instincts, to understand their warnings. But that day wouldn't be for a while.
And in the absence of that ability, she found herself here, standing on a lakeside and watching as her carefully rebuilt world crumbled around her.
It was clear to her now, that the past year and a half had been a result of her own naïve will. She'd been living in a bubble and it had always been a matter of time before it popped and left her free falling into the hands of her cruel cruel reality.
He was leaving and she would be on her own once more, struggling to make it through each day with a smile plastered on her lips and a hole even bigger then the one left behind with her mothers passing.
Concious thought left her mind at some point in their conversation and before she knew what she was doing a confession had fallen from her lips, tumbling out without finesse or warning. There was nothing romantic about this situation – no reason to confess aside from the growing panic and creeping desperation swimming in her veins.
It went worse than she ever could have predicted.
To be told that the legitimacy of her feelings which everyone had known for months now – much to her embarrassment – were in question; as if she could fall in love with a ghost of a being that had barely spoken a word to her and had only held a place in her heart because she'd thought that he was another version of Naru, it was more than she could take.
Behind his retreating back, she could feel her legs give out beneath herself. There was a numbness in her body that she'd forgotten the sensation of – or rather the lack thereof. There was no pain from the bruises that she knew would eventually form from the way she'd fallen. She could see the way pin-pricks of crimson began to swell on her palms where smaller rocks had cut into the skin without mercy and yet she couldn't feel a thing.
It was somewhat manic, realising that she was so desperate to feel something in that moment that she even considered throwing herself to ground once more, forcing herself to feel something, anything.
Rationale was the furtherest thing from her mind as her heart broke into pieces; crumbling under the pressure of those tactless words running through her mind on repeat.
“Me or Gene” “Me or Gene” “Me or Gene”
It hadn't even been a question, she noted blandly. Not really, at least. He'd said it with such certainty, completely rhetorical and all to aware that he would be correct.
Except he wasn't.
Except, wasn't he?
It was becoming harder to figure things out in her own mind, questions swirling and insecurities forming. Nothing made sense, nothing mattered.
Dimly, she realised that something wet was mixing with the blood on her hands. She longed for that at least to sting, as she recognised that the wetness was salt water falling from her eyes.
The sting never came.
Mai wasn't sure how long she sat there, watching as her tears washed away the blood on her hands until nothing would fall any longer. In the back of her mind, she was aware that time was probably continuing, moving forwards just as it always had; completely ignorant to how broken she felt.
She was probably supposed to feel something right now, at the very least an urgency to return to the others. They would worry.
Except a voice in the back of her mind had to wonder, would they?
Everything else had been a lie up until now – why not this as well?
Nothing would shock her further; she didn't think it was possible.
Was that what this was?
A memory of a nurse pulling her away from her mothers cooling body rushed through her mind. Back then they'd offered her a blanket.
Had she been cold?
Was she cold now?
She was trembling, Mai recognised faintly. Her fingers were shaking so much that it was hard to see them clearly.
Her entire body was shaking, she finally noticed.
It was like a bucket of cold water, forcing her to snap to attention and realise what was happening. She was in shock and she needed to snap out of it, as least long enough to get out of the rapidly cooling air.
The sun had long since begun to set and the warm summer heat was giving way to a cooler night. Even without that, however, Mai was almost positive that she would be shivering.
Her body was still numb and she struggled to push herself up from the ground. Her arms gave out twice, plummeting her to the ground both times before she managed to gather enough strength to push herself up from the forest floor.
Getting to her feet required more strength then she was capable of but Mai made it possible. She forced her legs to take her weight, sharing it against the closest tree as she willed herself to stop trembling like some new born fawn.
She could do this.
Her steps were shaky and she thought she'd fall to the ground before long. It was hard to notice anything as she numbly made her way towards the cabin they'd been staying in. She knew that under her bare feet twigs were snapping – had she left with shoes? She couldn't remember anymore – and rocks were probably pressing harshly into her soft soles but still she couldn't feel their effects.
Even still, she forced her features into what felt like an approximation of a smile. It wasn't going to be enough to fool them but maybe it would be enough for them to leave her be.
Sure enough, despite the concerned looks she could feel burning into her back – and what she wouldn't give for those to feel just as ineffective as the tiny cuts littering her hands and feet – they let her make her way into the room.
From there, Mai allowed herself to fall to the futon laid on the ground, unwilling to take even one more step.
She was relieved to note that if nothing else she could feel the warmth and softness of the blanket beneath her body. It wasn't much but it was something – a start.
If nothing else, it served as a reminder that the numbness would pass. This feeling was temporary. She'd pick up the shattered pieces of her mind and soul just as she had when her mother had left her behind in a cruel, judgemental world to fend for herself.
What was one more time?
She would never be the same again; maybe it was for the best.
This experience had taught her the futility of hope and love; it had taught her the fragility of trust and bonds; it had reminded her that in this world, there was no room for naivety.
No matter how she begged in her mind for thing to be different, the reality was that this was how things were and she was all the better for the lesson.
You're no good for me, my stranger