Chapter Text
Yibo gazes at the man beside him, and just revels at the sight of him. What he wears is an assembly of white and black, simple yet each fiber speaks of the luxury brand who sponsored him. His eyes are shining, even more so with the spotlights pointed at them. His expression speaks volumes of what he feels, but he breathes and takes it in once again, determined to bottle up whatever he felt inside. His smiles are small, and he refuses to look at Yibo. Yet, Yibo knows. He knows that the taller is almost at the verge of breaking. This beautiful man beside him, the subject of his numerous dreams of love and lust, the man who owned his heart, was going to fall apart.
At the sight of this gorgeously tragic man, Wang Yibo promises.He promises that it will be right here, on this stage, with thousands of people watching them end this year-long summer. It will be right here, beside the man himself, with tears barely held back in their eyes. Wang Yibo promises that it will be the last time he had the chance to gaze at those bright eyes, probably feigning something deeper that he dared not name.
After today, Wang Yibo promises to keep his weeping heart locked inside his chest and hide it from the world. He will take it back, and let it heal. He is not sure how much time it would take, but if it means preserving whatever they had and forgetting that it had ever been real, Yibo would wait. He would wait until it didn't hurt anymore. He would wait until even at the sound of his voice, he would not waver. He would wait until he doesn’t feel anything anymore, until the pain in his heart fades away when Xiao Zhan disappears from his life. He would wait until the reality of Xiao Zhan’s feelings wouldn’t make him feel like throwing up anymore. He would wait until he is able to greet and hold his Zhan ge at a professional distance, like acquaintances who were forced to interact with each other. He would wait until he could finally let go of all the feelings that Xiao Zhan had let him feel — love, adoration, resentment, lust, desperation, frustration, defeat — and let the memory of loving him be merely a memory he could keep at the back of his mind.
Today, he will live the dream. He will pretend like he never knew the truth beneath the lies his Zhan ge had said.
He will dream like he is truly loved by the man beside him.
Once upon a time, Wang Yibo was convinced that Xiao Zhan felt the same way.
Although their first few interactions in The Untamed setting were slightly forced, they genuinely enjoyed each other's company. It took awhile for him to open up, but Xiao Zhan kept on climbing over the walls that he built around himself from his years of being in the entertainment industry. In his presence, Yibo was free to be just Yibo, and not the idol that everyone had looked up to. He wasn’t the Wang Yibo that everyone expected to act tough in front of the cameras. He was just a 22-year-old boy who had to grow up too fast, too soon due to the fast-paced life he was thrusted into. In Xiao Zhan’s eyes, he was just Wang Yibo, the boy who loved riding motorcycles, doing tricks on his skateboard, and playing around with his friends. That may be the reason why he feels especially playful when he was with Xiao Zhan. He feels like a kid having fun whenever he is around him. They play around, show each other funny videos, send photos, and video call each other even at odd times at night.
Wang Yibo knew he was falling in love the moment he noticed he had opened his heart to the elder.
The moment he realized he loved Xiao Zhan felt anti-climatic. It wasn’t like how it was in the movies, where confessions would lead to feelings akin to exploding fireworks. It might be because Yibo had expected it. How can you not love Xiao Zhan, who would bring him coffee on set everyday, call him when he feels lonely in another shooting site, and send him snacks to his location no matter where he was to make sure he was eating. He knew he was falling anyway, and it would only take him some time to really fall and get invested.
They were on top of a hill that night, well hidden in the depths of the city. Beijing was always busy, but small gems like these were hard to find. And, Yibo was happy to share his discovery with his gege, who was looking for an escape from work but could not get out of the city.
"Beijing looks different from up here, doesn't it, Zhan ge?" He whispered, taking in the scenery he had grown to love.
Xiao Zhan sighed fondly. "This is the only time I'm thankful for those tall buildings. They look like stars." He stepped closer to Yibo, shivering slightly. Yibo noticed the other's hunched position and small shivers. He removed half of the coat he was wearing, and pulled Xiao Zhan towards him. The taller was taken aback, but soon realized what Yibo was doing. Before Xiao Zhan could counter him, he wrapped the coat around his shoulders. To an outsider, they might look ridiculous. Two men huddled inside one small coat on top of a hill on a cold November night didn't look like a sight anyone would ever want to see. But, Yibo was fine with that. He didn't need anyone to see them. He wanted this little bubble of warmth he felt surrounding them to last.
"Aiyo, Yibo, you're such a textbook hottie." Xiao Zhan clicked his tongue and shook his head. He giggled as he looked at the younger. There was something about his eyes then that made Yibo realize he wanted to keep them in his life. Was it the mirth it glowed with? Was it the warmth it directed at him? Was it the undivided attention he had unconsciously longed for?
Was it because those eyes were telling him there was something more that it wanted to say?
Before the elder could realize that YIbo was staring at him for a long time, he shot him his signature gremlin grin. "So, Zhan ge thinks I'm hot?"
Xiao Zhan chuckled and jabbed at his ribs lightly. "Now, you're just fishing for compliments." The moment wasn't awkward. Xiao Zhan did not move away from him. He even leaned in towards the younger's direction. It felt natural to be this close to Xiao Zhan, and the reason why slowly dawned on him.
Seeing Xiao Zhan in the meager light that the lamp post blessed him with, and with merely inches in between them, Yibo finally realized why being with the elder was the easiest thing he had ever done in his life.
It was because he loved the man.
The realization sent him into a slight panic. It wasn't because he hadn't come into terms with falling in love with a man, but because this person he loved was currently so close to him, and he feared he would lose him any moment now.
But, Xiao Zhan had turned his head and gave him the most beautiful smile he had ever seen. "Yibo, thank you." He whispered to the younger, making it sound like a secret that only the two of them knew. At that moment, Yibo knew he was done for.
He was bound to love this man for a long time.
Falling more and more in love with Xiao Zhan was the most natural thing for Yibo. He savored each minute he had with the older man. Even just practicing with each other for their scenes in Chen Qing Ling was enough to make Yibo's day. When Xiao Zhan agreed to visit him in his apartment, or when he went to Xiao Zhan's, Wang Yibo had to physically restrain himself from bursting. Being in a closed space with someone as beautiful and adorable as Xiao Zhan was enough to make him combust on the spot. Xiao Zhan liked leaning his head on Yibo's shoulder, his breath tickling the younger's neck, and encircling Yibo's waist with his arms. They stay like that for a while, before Xiao Zhan enthusiastically invites Yibo to a Mario Kart competition. Yibo always crushed the elder in games, but every so often, he would lose on purpose at times just to see the look of genuine glee and delight on the lanky man's face.
When Xiao Zhan crashed from the exhaustion from filming, Yibo was there to catch him. He would force the elder to sleep on his lap in the dressing rooms and glare at anyone who would try to wake him up. His legs would end up stiff most of the time, but if it meant having a somewhat rested Xiao Zhan, then he would take stiffness any day. When Yibo forgot to eat, Xiao Zhan would always be there, forcing him to snack or taking him out on a break from the set and stuffing him with hotpot. The elder made sure that the younger was taking care of himself even through text messages when they were away from each other.
Yibo's things eventually made their way towards Xiao Zhan's apartment, since they were almost always crashing at his apartment. It wasn't surprising to see two toothbrushes in his bathroom anymore. At some point, one of Yibo's helmets found their place beside Xiao Zhan's paintings mounted on the wall. Xiao Zhan was more touchy with Yibo now, placing his hands on the younger's waist at times and even putting his chin on the younger's shoulder when they were waiting in between scenes. The elder always offered his touch to the younger freely, and YIbo lapped up every moment their skin touched.
It took much self control to not just pin Xiao Zhan to a wall and start kissing him. Yibo really wanted to claim those plump lips as his. He wanted to run his hands over those mounds that he knew the elder had worked hard to get. He would worship every inch of Xiao Zhan's body, if he were ever to get the chance. He would mark his skin so that the elder could show the world how much he was loved. How can Yibo calm down when the hottest man he ever knew was always an inch away from him?
He was supposed to tell him. Yibo had prepared an entire speech, and even a bouquet of flowers that were inconspicuously the most expensive set of flowers he could ever get his hands on. He was going to sneak it into Xiao Zhan's dressing room when he had heard voices inside the room. He pressed his ear to the door.
"You have to pretend to like him some more. Make the audience believe that both of you are real and legit. You have to make Chen Qing Ling a success so that the company can give you your studio." A high voice said, commanding and stern.
Yibo's heart fell when he heard a very familiar voice utter the following words. "I know. I'm trying my best to pretend to like him. We already look like a couple, don't we?" The younger unconsciously dropped the flowers he was holding.
“You do. But, you have to try harder.” The other voice answered.
Hearing those words felt like Yibo had been dumped in ice cold water. Yibo had never fled a scene so quickly. He excused himself from the staff, saying he was suffering from a stomach ache, and locked himself inside his own dressing room. His manager knocked on his door to make sure he was alright, but he sent him away with petty assurances. Yibo buried his face in his hands for a long time, mulling the words he had heard from the one person he had never expected it from again and again in his mind.
Was it true? Was Xiao Zhan really just getting closer to him to bring up Chen Qing Ling’s views?
But, Yibo couldn’t deny the fact that it was Xiao Zhan’s voice he heard in that dressing room. He couldn’t deny that each timbre of that sound was one he could recognize even from a mile away.
No, that couldn’t be right. Xiao Zhan was kind and gentle. He would never do that to Yibo.
He wouldn’t, would he?
What if he could?
Then, was everything a ruse?
Was every word he said, every touch that lingered, every gift left behind, and every time spent with Yibo just a pretense? A charade? A mere means to achieve an end ?
It hurt . Thinking about everything being fake hurt. Xiao Zhan had lodged himself so deep into Yibo’s life, even into the corners he would never notice, that taking him out would leave Yibo with nothing but pieces that he did not know how to build once again. When Yibo was ambushed by his fans and every vile comment was hurled to his direction, Xiao Zhan was there to catch him and hide him from the world. When he was lonely on set with his new castmates, the elder would never fail to send him a meme and a “jiayou!” When he craved warmth but was unsure how to say it, the lanky man would take him into his dressing room and just wrap him in his arms. When he was tired of working in an industry with no stability to speak of, the actor would listen and understand him fully. Was everything he did for Yibo just an act ?
A mixture of emotions flooded Yibo, making him grip at his hair tightly. Damn. This man deserved a fucking Oscar.
He was infuriated. How could his Zhan ge do that to him? How could he, when all Wang Yibo has done was entrust his most vulnerable possession to the man? How could he betray the trust Wang Yibo had given him? How could he hurt him? How could he use him?
But, the reality still stood. Xiao Zhan never owed him anything. They weren’t lovers. It was Yibo’s choice to give his heart to the elder, and that gave Xiao Zhan free reign over what happens to his heart.
Stupid .
Wang Yibo was stupid . How could he give his heart to someone he never expected to break sooner or later? How could he fall so head over heels for Xiao Zhan, who never really wanted to take responsibility for Yibo’s feelings?
Most of all, how could he fall in love with someone who so clearly would use his heart?
He thought he had finally found someone who he was willing to throw everything for. He thought he had finally found that person whom all these lovesick fools around him described. Yibo was ready to leave it all behind just for him. He was ready to settle down with him, to create a life with him away from all the camera flashes and pretentious sharks he knew so well. He was ready to marry him, goddamn it.
But, how could he blame him? How could he blame the love of his life for simply wanting to stay afloat in this industry? Being in it for years has trained him to always look behind the curtains because that was where the truth hid. He knew there were tactics like this to raise the views. He did as well, and it was nothing to be ashamed of.
If Yibo knew how entertainment worked so well , how could he fall prey to a classic elementary scheme?
Fuck. Yibo was so tired of everything. But, he refused to cry.
So, Yibo threw himself into his work. He avoided Xiao Zhan at all costs. Luckily, he had a few days that did not involve filming Chen Qing Ling. He made sure not to visit Xiao Zhan’s apartment at all, even if that meant buying new necessities. He refused to sleep, fearing that they would be filled with every rendition of the scene he had heard his mind could think of. He did not sit down to rest because he would just hear once again the words he wanted to forget. Xiao Zhan’s texts and calls grew worried with each passing day.
During the next shooting day, Xiao Zhan had begged the director for a long break and cornered Yibo.
“Yibo, what’s wrong?” He asked worriedly. It was so easy to believe his concern. Xiao Zhan had always shown kindness to him and the others. It hurt to think that the elder could ever hurt him. But, he also knew that there was no other person who could sound like the voice he heard behind the door that day.
Yibo did not know how to answer his gege, so he stayed silent. Xiao Zhan pursed his lips.
“Yibo, did I do something wrong? You haven’t been answering any of my calls or texts during the past few days.” Yibo looked down as the elder spoke. However, Xiao Zhan made sure to lower his face so that Yibo couldn’t escape his gaze. “Yibo, talk to me. Please.”
The elder had begged him. No matter how much it hurt him, Yibo could never deny him. He looked up and gazed at Xiao Zhan with a sad smile. “It’s nothing, Zhan ge. You don’t have to worry.”
“There clearly is something wrong!” Xiao Zhan raised his voice, which caused Yibo to flinch. The elder’s shoulders dropped as he heaved a sigh. “Hey, hey, I’m sorry, Yibo. I didn’t mean to shout.” He placed his hands on Yibo’s shoulders. Yibo felt the sting of his touch, but he refused to let it show on his face. “There is something wrong, but you don’t want to tell me.” Xiao Zhan smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes like how it would when he was truly smiling. It looked bitter on him, and somewhat sad. How could he look so dejected when he knew that he was trying to manipulating him? “But, don’t cut me off, please? I want to be there for you, even if you don’t want me to.”
Zhan ge, I want you to always be there. But, I don’t know if you really want to be beside me , Yibo’s mind helplessly supplied. He bit his lip, and sighed heavily. “Zhan ge, I just feel exhausted over work. I don’t even have a moment to sit down these days.”
Xiao Zhan sighed in return. “You’re overworking yourself again.” He placed his hands on his hips. Even while trying to look strict, Yibo still found Xiao Zhan so adorable. God, he was lost cause. “Later, when we’re done for the day, you’re going to come with me to my dressing room and sleep. Don’t think I can’t recognize the bags under your eyes with the make-up they put on you.”
He could only state at his Zhan ge helplessly.
“No excuses. Wang Yibo, you are not a superhero. You’re just Yibo.” The elder scoffed, walking away to get his bottle of water from his manager. His words lodged the hurt and pain deeper into his heart. How was it that the person who could see him the most was also the person who hurt him the most?
Yibo breathed in slowly, letting the air attempt to ease the pain in his chest. It didn’t do anything, as usual. Avoiding Xiao Zhan while filming Chen Qing Ling was going to be difficult for him, especially since they were co-stars.
However, Yibo did not know how much more hurt he could handle while being in Xiao Zhan’s constant presence. It was a struggle to even be around the man.
What if you don’t have to struggle? , his mind said to him. What if you can pretend, too, that everything’s alright? What if you pretend until Chen Qing Ling’s promotions are over?
Yibo did not want to pretend. If there was anything he learned from being in this business for too long, it was that pretending would never make you happy.
But, he didn’t think he could keep being beside his Zhan ge if he didn’t.
So, Wang Yibo pretended.
He kept up the image of being Wang Yibo, Xiao Zhan’s co-star in Chen Qing Ling, the other half of the pair that made Wangxian come to life. He kept up being the Yibo that Xiao Zhan knew. Whenever he was with the elder, he would momentarily forget about the truth. When he came back to his apartment in the wee hours of the morning, he let out the feelings he held back for so long.
It wasn’t a healthy cycle, Yibo knew. But, what else could he do? His heart was never part of the equation. His love was never supposed to be in this relationship. So, he smiled in front of him. In the dark, he ached.
This was how Wang Yibo continued to live.
If his dreams still contained a lithe man wrapped in his arms on one cold October night, then only Yibo would know. Only his heart would keep the secret.
They bow, and say goodbye to the audience. They walk towards the backstage, his Zhan ge a few seconds away from breaking down. He leads him to his dressing room, a hovering hand on his waist to guide him. Xiao Zhan follows him willingly, expression a little dazed and lost. Once the elder hears the shutting of the door, his shoulders hunch, and he covers his face. Wang Yibo crouches down and surrounds him with his arms, and lets the elder rest his face on the crook of his neck. Xiao Zhan doesn’t make a sound, but Yibo knows he is still emotional by the wetness on his neck. They are still hung over the feeling of so many people mourning for the inevitable end of last year’s summer. Wang Yibo internally lets out a bitter chuckle. It is as if they knew that, for Yibo, this was the end as well.
Yibo breathes in.
Xiao Zhan lifts his face to look at Wang Yibo, his tear-stained cheeks evident even in the low light of the dressing room. Yibo makes sure he’s staring at him, his mind carving the image of his Zhan ge delicately, careful to miss out on any detail. Another tear releases itself from Xiao Zhan’s eyes. The younger cups the other’s cheek and trails the thumb along the tear’s path. It eventually leaves his love’s immaculate face. Yibo looks at it, mesmerized. There is a heaviness in the atmosphere that weighs down on the two of them, but neither can quite name what it is.
Xiao Zhan pulls Yibo to him and kisses him.
The kiss was chaste and gentle. Their mouths move slowly at first, shy and tentative, a literal dance around each other. They get bolder as time goes, lips chasing each other as if they couldn’t let each other go. In the cracks of passion was desperation as the kiss grew heated.
Yibo’s heart crumbles each time the other’s lips pressed against his.
They share one last kiss, a whisper of a brush against the other’s. They both let go reluctantly. Yibo sees how clarity comes back to his Zhan ge’s hooded eyes, and how the reality of the situation slowly dawns on him.
Seeing the look of fear on his face completely breaks Yibo’s heart. He breathes in once again, trying to tuck the feelings that have broken out from the mess of his pieces.
He sees the other open his mouth, probably in an attempt to apologize, to lie, to undermine the gravity of what they had just done.
That is how Yibo knows it was time.
“Zhan ge,” he cups the elder’s face, thumb rubbing the mole below his lip fondly. He looks at Xiao Zhan’s face one last time, and smiles. He hurts, yet he smiles genuinely, sincerely, full of all the feelings he had kept about the elder. He smiles because this is the only time he gets to have him. He smiles because it is the last. He uses the remnants of his strength to open his mouth. “Thank you.”
An abrupt knock on his door followed by a deep voice asking Yibo to leave for Changsha snap them out of the bubble they’ve created. Wang Yibo sighs as he stands up. He gulps and braces himself to leave the man he loves. He doesn’t look at Xiao Zhan because he knows it will break his resolve to let him go. He tries to convince himself that he needs this, he needs to get away from him, he needs to protect his heart as he walks towards the door.
“Yibo.”
He couldn’t help but turn back. Xiao Zhan looks at him with something frantic, but Yibo does not dwell on it. He watches the elder open and close his mouth many times, until it settles back to a firm line. He looks beautiful even when he feels conflicted.
Yibo chooses to end the silence. If he stays here, he knows his resolve would shatter. “Goodbye, Zhan ge.” He says, turning his back on the elder and leaving the room.
He still refuses to cry. He has a shoot to go to. He has no time to mourn the loss of his love.
However, he promises that once he gets a few days off, he will grieve. He will relive the moment he said goodbye, and crush his heart again and again. He will let himself go for now, because he does not know how to pick up the pieces of his heart and build it back up again. For now, he will hurt. He will ache. He will indulge the pain. And then, he will wait. He will wait for everything to be okay.
He doesn’t know when he will be okay.