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You never picked my Lobster sketch.
-Ho my god, are you still mad about that ?
John doesn’t answer. He shrugs and take a sip of his Perrier.
-Man, I don’t know what to tell you, Seth chuckles. Wasn’t this like, fifteen years ago now ?
-Don’t tell me that ! Mulany looks appalled. Is it really been that long ?
-I mean, it’s true, we’re not getting any younger…
Seth’s smile is bitter as he reaches for his beer. It’s true tough, he realized it when he saw Mulaney this morning, they’re really getting the weight of time. The wrinkles drawn around theirs eyes and mouth are getting more acute, their expression seem rapt in some sort of effervescent tiredness, not to add the few pounds the two slender men both put on. Well, to be fair, Meyers did go ahead of John. Sometime it got him a little jealous, how this guy constantly look twelve, when Seth already started looking like a baked apple…
Tonight show’s gone smoothly, Seth didn’t lie when he introduced Mulaney by saying « It’s always a pleasure to have you.. ». It is. When it comes to talkshows and TV; John has the thing. He just instinctively knows what to say and how to say it. His appearance on Seth Meyer’s Late Night always brough Seth joy. Tonight was no different, John had some new material, mostly about catholic church and his wife, and he had the audience in his pocket.
For this, probably more than for his young appearance, Seth did get jealous of John. Mulaney indeed had a predisposition for comedy, he had timing, a way with words, all of it seemed to came to him effortlessly : that’s why, even as head-writer, Seth never fired him. Even with codeine or booze in his blood, he’d be able to find three to five amazingly good sketches on the spot. Most of all he was recognizable, he stands out. You’d never mistook him or his humour for anyone else’s.
Seth surprised John lusting at his now half empty beer. Meyers usually took something stronger after a show, a scotch on the rock or a gin, but whenever Mulaney was a guest and they’d go out after the show, he’d be careful not to take something too robust. Naively so, it broke his heart to see that after all this years, a simple beer could still tear John apart.
Mulaney ask the waiter for another Perrier before sighing :
“-Fuck, sobriety sucks.”
Seth doesn’t respond. He never knows what to say in those moments, when John bitches about abstinence.
He remembers the drunk, shitfaced John of his early career, the one that would write twelves sketches in a row, right before the dateline, the one that would pop two Vicodin just to stand the after-party, the one that would add cue cards minutes before the show aired, just for fun. It was also that Mulaney that would come one hour late to every meeting and passe out daily in the changing room.
Seth didn’t like to admit it, but he did occasionally miss the young John, in the same way that he missed his younger-self, it was bitter melancholy, mourn for a time that he couldn't get back, more that the actual loss of a person.
He would lie if he’d say John didn’t change. He did become a whole new person with sobriety.
He remember one day, backstage, Weekend Uptake was about to begin, Seth was freaking out about the cue cards being mixed up, a fucking intern though they were last week's cards and throwed a bunch of them out. At that time, John was still mixing cocaine and tequila on the daily. That day, Seth remembered, John helped him manually rearange and classify each cue card for each sketch, right before they’d go live. Both kneeling down, spreading out the big cardboards on the NBC floor. Seth remembered being touched by this act coming from Mulaney. Him that was usually a bit erratic and all-over-the-place... Seing him neatly classify each page with the diligence of a schoolboy was surprising to say the least.
-Dont worry, John told Seth, bending overtone of the cards, We’ll get it on time.
Seing John keeping his cool like that helped Seth regain confidence, and the Weekend Update ended up happening just as planned. In insight, Seth saw this moment as an echo of Mulaney's futur organized, civilized domestic life.
Seth never gave up on John, even in the first year, when Tina told him “We got to get rid of this one, he's a trouble maker, nothing good will came of it.” He insisted to keep him, battled it out many time with Lorne too. He always saw the potential in Mulaney.
Funny enough, his humour stayed pretty much the same after rehab. To this day, it stayed the same neatly ordered, absurdist mess it always was.
John’s navy two pieces was flawless, so was his haircut, and polished shoes. His professional demeanor clashed so much with the downtown, poorly lighted New York bar; next to him, Seth felt like a slob in his sweater. How he was so put together no matter the time of day was a mystery to him. Even his sent was ireprochable, thinks Seth, leaning toward his friend.
“-Are you wearing fucking cologne ?
The silence while Mulaney sip on his Perrier was the only proof needed of his culpability.
-Ho my god, Seth shakes his head, You know I think I’ve read a study somewhere that cologne use some crazy strong allergens to get their fragrance, like it’s actually very toxic…
-You know, it’s funny, my wife just told me about it yesterday..
-Ho I’m sure she did, Seth cut sourly, before finishing his beer.”
He doesn’t give a shit about his wife. Jeez, t’s like its all he can talk about. There’s other people in the world, she doesn't have to be his only point of reference… He turn to his friend, realizing John stare became freezing cold.
-I’m sure she did because she’s a very educated women, he hasten to add.
Shit, did he make him upset now ? What’s up with him ? Since the beginning of the night, a insidious feeling crouched into Seth stomach. Difficult to formulate, it was the sense of something wrong, something unspoken that was just slightly offbeat. The ominus feeling was getting more evident as the two men continued drinking. It's like their usual intimacy, their natural complicity was gone leaving only the eeky sensation of taking a drink with a stranger. And it wasnt the lemon perrier or the cheap beer that was gonna loosen them up..
“Am I loosing him ?” Seth surprised himself thinking, “Is that it ? Are we at this point when our two lifes have gone so far in different directions we just cant get it back ?”
The bar usual quiet atmosphere become an agitated mess as the hours go by, fridays I guess... The two friends keep chating of the things you usually talk about on friday nights, doing a good job filling space with words. They spoke of nothing of importance, nothing they didn’t already know, but isn’t that the point of friendship after all ? Keeping company in insignificance.
Lets be useless together.
At half past one, they step out in the unforgiving New York wind, the city still buzzing in the freezing night. John refuses to call an Uber, explaining taxis are still the best and most refined way to move around town. Meyers nods, barely listening.
The end of the festivity is leaving a bitter taste in his mouth. Seth doesn't want the night to end, not now. Not like this. What happenned ? They talk so much but it feels like they didn't share anything. He wish he could tell him, he wish he could say anything that would bring him back, back to the way things were...
“-Seth ?
-Yeah ?”
John's mouth stays mid-open as his cab slow down near the sidewalk. His eyes stuck on Seth’s. His hair, usually so neatly groomed, are disheveled by the wind. Scattered on his forehead, getting in his eyes, he brushes a strand away with his hand. And for a second, his expression freezes and Seth see the 2008, smashed, fresh of the boat John Mulaney, standing in the street, in front of him. Then John closes his mouth and a gust of wind harried them both.
When John open the car door, Seth steps near him, like one last foolish attempt to strech out this moment. Again, Mulaney opens his mouth, only this time, two words come out.
“I'm sorry.”
Seth looks at John in the eyes, not knowing if what he reads in them is true, or if he's just seeing what he wants to see.
He wishes he could say what he wants to say. But his thin lips stay shut. All he can do is lean forward and embrace his friend, grasping one last time for some much needeed shared intimacy.
John feels the warmth of Seth’s hand through the thin fabric of his shirt and takes a full, deep breath.
“I'll see you soon” he says then regret. He should know better than to ruin a moment with futile words.
Seth feels John’s racing heartbeat slowly begin to drop as he presses his own chest against him.He let a sigh pass through his lips, as his muscles finally loosened.
And like that, the embrace ended and John got into the cab. Leaving Seth only to the arch wind of October, as he got swallowed into the frantic mouvement of the city.