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Dan takes a deep breath just before the next explosion hits. This one is closer, much closer than before, and he can feel worry creeping up his spine like a cold touch that he knew shouldn’t be there. He thought no one would find them, but now he’s almost certain they already have. They’re in the part of the district that has already been completely destroyed by the last bombing - where he was sure they wouldn’t search for survivors, but the explosions suggest otherwise.
He hugs his crying younger brother closer to his chest, murmuring sweet nothings into his ear while keeping both an eye and an ear out for approaching Peacekeepers - but hopelessness seeps into his bones like an acidic liquid, burning everything it touches. He’s almost certain they were cornered into this bombed hospital on purpose, even though he was so sure before he had been clever to choose it. The rubber they’re hiding behind does little to mask their hunched forms and if they have heat vision in the hovercraft they’re doomed anyway.
He can’t blame his brother for crying when they’re on the run, yet again, from the very authorities that were supposed to help and protect them - all this happening just weeks after their parents have been killed fighting for said authorities - but it’s no help in keeping them unseen either.
Suddenly there’s heavy footsteps and the subtle click of a weapon being loaded. He wants to turn around, has the urge to check his back, but he knows if there’s really someone there then it’s too late for them whatever he does. There’s nowhere left to run. If they’re found, they’re dead.
Another explosion hits; he doesn’t even flinch. He wants to believe they wouldn’t bomb this building knowing there are other peacekeepers in here, but he knows the truth. Knows they care nothing about human lives - rebels or innocents, enemies or comrades. Has seen too many people writhe in pain or die because of these bombings to still have hope -
There’s a sickening crack and his brother is forcefully ripped away from his arms. Someone grips him around his neck, forcing him to his feet while another peacekeeper is keeping his violently thrashing brother up with one hand, his feet dangling above the ground.
A gun is raised to his head and Dan’s world stops.
“This is what happens to rebel scum,” a voice hisses, almost too snake-like to be human, and he wants to scream. We’re no rebels , his conscience begs him to say, we’ve been fighting for you , but he keeps his mouth shut, knowing it wouldn’t do them any good. Instead he watches in silent horror as the finger on the trigger shifts, there’s a bang and a scream -
Dan awoke in cold sweat, breathing heavily, his mouth open and a scream prickling so strongly at the bottom of his throat he wasn’t sure how to keep it in - on the other hand, he wouldn’t have known how to let it out if he’d wanted to. His eyes wide open he laid motionless and panted, staring at the dark ceiling like it was a TV, his memories still playing out in front of him.
He wanted to cry, to sob, to beg to whoever would listen, but he stayed silent. The air was stale and left a bitter taste in his mouth, yet he couldn’t focus on anything else just to keep breathing. His whole body was burning up, his nightshirt clinging to his skin and there seemed to be nothing to relieve him from the incessant heat.
It was the 843rd day in a row he’d awoken from this dream, sometimes several times in one night. The days blended together, all looking the same in his head even as he tried to remember them, but the nights were different. In a way, they were what kept him alive.
The pain made it real. Made his life real. Sometimes, he forgot he was still here, certain he’d died with his brother - the nightmares were the only thing reminding him he was still alive.
The arms slung around him tightened and it felt like he was being chastised for this line of thinking. He knew it wasn’t fair to Phil to think like that, but that didn’t make it less true. He loved Phil with all he had - he just didn’t know how much of himself he still had left.
“I’m so sorry you have to go through this,” he said and Dan couldn’t help but shiver.
“It’s not your fault,” he whispered back but he knew it did little to console his boyfriend. Phil had been with the rebellion from the beginning, and it had kept them apart for some time, but now Dan knew he’d been right all along.
Not that it helped them now; their life was still as dark and painful as it had been during the war.
The darkness seemed to move as he shifted, rolling to his side to lay his head on his boyfriend’s chest. The atmosphere was heavy, weighing on them like an unwieldy blanket, making it hard to breathe. Their memories floated through the air like an ever present reminder that even though the war was over, nothing was better. His parents and his brother were still dead. Phil’s parents were still dead.
They’d been living in relative peace for almost two years now, but sometimes Dan wondered what for. Every day was the same, they blurred together, combining into a monster that raised over their heads, doing nothing but make it harder to get up in the morning, to drag himself through his daily chores. Phil’s light was like a tiny lightbulb against the black hole that was his life. There was nothing they were doing this for - no goal, no happiness, no purpose - just darkness.
“Will you be okay?” Phil’s voice asked lowly, his hand rubbing Dan’s upper arm, and Dan had to keep himself from sucking in a breath. He hated lying to Phil like nothing else, but he knew the truth wasn’t an option.
“Sure.”
__
It was a day like every other in District Four - just that it wasn’t. When getting food this morning, the lady at the counter had smiled at Dan. His neighbors had greeted him on the way, and Phil’s brother had come around to have lunch with them outside in the sun. Something was up - he just didn’t know what.
The mystery unraveled itself in the afternoon when he and Phil walked through the district to get some dinner. The townsquare was buzzing with life, more people outside than Dan had even been aware were still alive and there was a calm flurry in the air, speaking of life and hope and other things he hadn’t been aware still existed.
Even Phil next to him was skipping a step here and there and Dan was so baffled he didn’t even know what to say. His boyfriend hadn’t been in such a good mood since the war started. What was happening ?
The first thing he saw was a flicker of red against the dull beige and grey he was used to around town and he immediately halted in his steps. Was there an intruder? And if so, shouldn’t they be more worried? Visitors were rare in District Four and usually gone within a few hours. It wasn’t a nice place to be with the aftermath of the war still lingering in the air, the atmosphere still heavy and hopeless.
Today though - today it was different.
When the town’s baker moved aside he had a clear view of their faces and it was like he got struck in the chest by lightning. He immediately halted his movement and for the briefest of moments, less than one intake of breath, he forgot where and who he was and felt fear creep up his spine - then the realization hit and the only feeling left was elation.
This can’t be real!
He turned to his boyfriend who - as Dan was still clutching his hand - had halted as well and was now looking at him. In awe, he observed as a grin unfolded on Phil’s face, so wide he was sure it would split his face in half. For a second, Dan had to hold his breath.
Phil had never been as beautiful as he was in this single moment.
Then Phil tugged on his hand. “Come on, I’ll introduce you to them!”
Dan didn’t even had time to get nervous with how fast Phil was moving. One second he was staring into his boyfriend’s blue eyes, in the next they were standing in front of the biggest war heroes Panem had ever seen - his breathing hitched yet again.
He’d heard of what they did to them - what they did to Peeta specifically - but still both of them seemed so calm, so at ease. Peeta was looking at his girlfriend like she single-handedly hung the sun in the sky and Katniss leaned into him just slightly, like she was subconsciously seeking his presence.
When Phil stepped forward, Dan still by his side, a smile lit up Peeta’s face.
“Hi, I’m -”
“Phil, right?” he interrupted, seemingly proud he still remembered the name. Within a single breath Phil was all smiles and Dan watched in wonder as they gave each other a high five. Katniss raised an eyebrow, obviously unimpressed, but there was a secret smile tugging at the corner of her lips that made her expression more teasing than disapproving.
“Hi, Phil. It’s nice to see you again. I trust this is the boy you told us about?”
Her voice was melodious and Dan blushed as she observed him through sharp eyes.
“I’m Dan,” he said, voice high from nervousness, “It’s really, really nice to meet you. Thank you for all you did for us - and for Phil specifically.”
Peeta grinned at him just as bright as Phil did, and even Katniss, ever so serious, sported a slight smile.
“You guys up to get some dinner?”
___
Dan felt like he was in a dream, like he was moving on clouds. He had never felt so light in his life. Even after recalling the events during the war, where Phil had fought among the rebels, met Katniss and Peeta on one of their missions and immediately joined their crew - even after the recalling of his brother’s death - the past still didn’t come to haunt him. They were like a shield of sorts, keeping away the bad thoughts and feelings.
He hadn’t known he’d still be able to feel anything resembling happiness, but this was cutting it close. Phil’s grin was absolutely infectious and the calming presence of both Peeta and Katniss seeped into his soul like the warmth of a fire on a winter’s day.
Yet, if anything, the thought of ending this day terrified him even more than before. Tomorrow, Katniss and Peeta would pack their bags to check on the next district over and Phil and Dan would go back to their old, habitual life of chores and nothingness, day in, day out.
They were taking a walk through the district and Dan had no trouble admitting that in the over twenty years he’d lived here, he’d never felt as safe as tonight - even though it was dark and the breeze was biting.
He’d never felt safe here. Period. Usually he was even afraid of his own shadow, feeling a threat coming behind every boulder and corner he passed; like a gun was constantly pressed to his neck and the second he made a wrong step he’d be dead.
They passed the rebuilt hospital where his brother was shot and, aside from a slight shiver rolling down his spine, he was completely fine . No screaming, no crying, no pleading - no panic. He squeezed Phil’s hand as he looked to him and gave him a slight smile - the awe on his boyfriend’s face made him so giddy he felt the urge to giggle.
Giggle ? Dan? What was he, a child?
When they parted ways for the night the darkness fell over them like a curtain, but Dan felt slightly better than he did this time yesterday. He’d seen the light now, glimpsed behind the curtain to realize somewhere, sometime, there was still hope for them yet.
___
There was nothing left of that hope when he woke from another nightmare, but it had apparently only been one this night at least - since the sun was already peeking through the curtains and the bed was empty.
It only happened occasionally that Phil got up before him, but it still made him agitated and uneasy, especially when he went through his morning routine, even had a small breakfast, and there was still no sight of his boyfriend. Anything could happen out there and he knew if you let your guard down one single second -
The front door opened with a click and he jumped out of his chair so rapidly he knocked it over backwards, but it was only Phil strutting in like nothing had happened.
“Morning, love,” he said and greeted Dan with a kiss on the cheek, saying nothing about the fallen over chair or the agitated state his boyfriend was obviously in, which Dan was more than thankful for.
“Where have you been?” Dan asked and he hated how small and breathless he sounded. Where had all the safety and certainty of yesterday vanished to?
“You were thrashing around in your sleep, so, when I’d managed to calm you down, I went for a walk. I met Peeta and we started talking.”
Phil’s serious expression, even while mentioning his hero, made Dan uneasy and he shuffled his feet. “And?”
“And I think we should move.”
Dan blinked in surprise. “I mean - sure, if you want to… I’m sure we can have one of the newly build ones further from the townsquare, but I don’t understand -”
“No, Dan. I think we should leave -” He took a deep breath. “- leave this district and never look back.”
____
Once again, all that Dan has left is running. The beasts are right behind him, their breaths echoing against the plain concrete walls making them sound louder than they actually are. Their noises resonate deep within Dan, making him shiver; a cold sweat runs down his forehead and spine and his heart is beating so fast it hurts.
His muscles are straining from the exertion of running in full speed for such an extended period of time and every breath he takes feels like a million needles in his lungs. Still he keeps going, keeps running; he doesn’t know why or what for, he just knows he needs to keep going forward.
Further and further, until -
Suddenly, there is a light, like the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel, and all he can think is there, there it is, I almost made it, I just -
A sharp pain spikes in his foot as the beast’s sharp fangs bury themselves into his flesh, claws are ripping on his back and he’s certain it’s over when there’s a loud bang -
The sun almost blinded Dan when he jolted awake. He was hot and could feel a bead of sweat rolling down his spine, but there was a slight breeze in the air that cooled his overheated skin. The air felt nice and fresh in his lungs, cooling him down from the inside out, and Phil’s hand on his back was like a reminder of life and happiness.
It had been several months since Dan and Phil had moved from District Four to District Twelve. They were Katniss and Peeta’s neighbours now, meeting them several times a week for coffee or dinner or just a talk, and, even aside from them, they’d both been welcomed with open arms. Dan hadn’t thought it was possible to just start over, to leave all the bad things of the past behind and look ahead towards the future, but Phil had showed him the truth.
There was a life after the tragedy, even if the tragedy was basically all his life had consisted of before. He felt lighter, more energetic, like moving was suddenly just that much easier. Life was a series of new events, something different and unforeseen every day. His feet didn’t drag anymore when he walked through town, and he didn’t feel in constant danger anymore either.
Now, he’d greet Peeta in the bakery, maybe go in for a chat, and wink Katniss on her way to the forest. He’d feel secure as he did his daily chores and work, no panic or raising heart rate. He’d also kiss Phil, over and over again, and it was like coming home but slightly different all the same, every single time.
When Phil rose next to him, pulling him close, he couldn’t help smiling into his boyfriend’s chest. He couldn’t just hear, but also feel Phil’s heartbeat next to his ear; the steady rhythm setting the background noise for his walk on memory lane as he recalled how much had changed over the past few months. Katniss and Peeta had helped them adjust and it had worked like a charm. He felt at home - but still didn’t feel like he was being sucked into yet another monotonous loop, like he was stuck in another poisonous rut.
A lot had changed and a lot kept changing - but in the best possible way.
Even his nightmares had changed. The imaginative, conjured up concoctions of his brain had nothing on the memories it had tormented him with before, and he was usually back to feeling calm within a few heartbeats - especially with the comforting presence of his boyfriend right next to him, greeting him back in real life with a smile and a kiss.
And Phil was doing a lot better too, even if he hadn’t been doing quite as bad as Dan had before. Now, there was a smile on his face more often than not - sometimes, Dan still couldn’t believe this was their life now.
His boyfriend pulled him even closer to kiss him on his forehead.
“Will you be okay?” he asked, like he always did when Dan woke up from a nightmare, and happiness spread throughout his body when he realized he was able to answer with honesty and utmost certainty.
“Yes.”