Work Text:
Jin inhales sharply as he writes down the flow of words running through his brain. The quietness of the room filling his lungs and making it easier and lighter to breathe. Silence has always been Jin’s fuel and he feels somewhat part of it. Like all of the factors that compose quietude also compose him, intrinsic to his DNA.
The almost black paper stares at him in anticipation, thirsty for the ink that will engrave Jin’s thoughts and feelings and hold them everlastingly. He feels coward somehow, even though he knows the most safe place for him to pour his heart out is there, in between the silence and paper.
He can’t use his own words because they’re too much, they’re to clear. Jin is better used to the dark. He writes only one sentence, borrowing the words of Neruda, ” I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in secret, between the shadow and the soul ”. He borrows it because he can’t use his name, he can’t intoxicate his precious silence with the heaviness of the truth. He closes his notebook then, letting the darkness of his room embrace him like a hug. He is still too much of a coward to confess it in the light.
His eyes close just to remind him that there’s is no difference from what he sees when they’re open. It’s dark, it’s always dark around him. It’s not bad. Jin thinks his metaphor of what blackness means is different from what everyone else sees. The dark reminds Jin of him, of his black hair, his deep eyes, his precious hoodie that is impregnated with his human yet particular scent. The dark reminds him of Yoongi, and of the way they only allow themselves to touch each other when the night involves them like a dome. Like they never talk about it, they never allow the light to get in, and how Jin aches for those moments during daylight, when he feels overexposed, when he feels his eyes squeezing because it hurts too much. When he looks into Yoongi’s eyes and he is instantaneously reminded of what is his definition of peace.
He feels it, finally, and he opens his eyes just to drown in the black pits of Yoongi’s eyes, deeper than any black hole above. Yoongi is his definition of peace.
The younger’s pouty lips twitch in a faint smile, subtle but honest nonetheless. It’s always honest. Jin’s lips tremble with the necessity he feels to have Yoongi’s touching his.
They never do.
“Hi”, Jin whispers, hand traveling free and soothing against Yoongi’s arms. Yoongi has well toned muscles, but Jin’s hands are big and they manage to almost circle his whole arm.
“Hey”, Yoongi answers, his hoarse voice echoing through the room like a sudden cold wind in a warm night, causing Jin’s skin to chill.
“Studio?”, Jin asks, knowing it’s late and Yoongi was probably there, in his safe spot, pouring his soul.
“Yeah”, Yoongi mumbles, sliding closer to Jin and curling himself in his chest, nuzzling his nose on Jin’s neck.
Their lips never touch, but their legs are always entangled and their fingers are often intertwined and their bodies are usually pressed against each other, and that’s okay. That’s enough.
Jin’s long and curvy fingers are drawn to Yoongi’s dark locks and he threads them through his hair. Jin thinks Yoongi is part of the silence himself, he thinks Yoongi is the silence himself.
Jin loves him, irrevocably, irreversibly, undeniably.
Yoongi’s arms replace the darkness around Jin, gluing their chests and feeling the both wild animals which are their hearts beating insanely through their rib cages.
***
It started with darkness. That’s how Jin found out what it was to feel. It started just the same as the Universe started, just like it was before God whispered “let there be light”. It started with Jin, one year ago, laying on his bed, with his back to the door and his eyes on Yoongi’s empty bed.
Yoongi was always his best friend, ever since day one. They gravitated towards each other with supernatural magnetism, like they completed each other. Jin was never the one to be very deeply immersed in literature, at least not the classics, he left that for Namjoon. However he can perfectly remember one specific sentence that was engraved in his heart like tattoos on skin. He remembers being in college and having to perform a monologue of the Wuthering Highs, by Charlote Bronte. “ He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same. If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger” . He remembers the first time he read those words, several years ago and how the immediately reminded him of Yoongi. He remembers how himself reminded him of Yoongi.
Jin remembers recognizing him in his skin, in his most intimate habits, in the way he brushes his teeth and the way he got used to making paws with his sweater sleeves. He remembers Yoongi and how they’re a lot of each other. He recognized it at first when he read it and then he had to live for years with the realization of his feelings for Yoongi.
It was painful and highly suffocating until a year ago, when he was there, staring at the empty bed, and Yoongi was at the studio and all Jin could think about was the ache in his chest that was caused by the hollowness of missing him. Of missing something he never ever had had. Missing being embraced by him, feeling his warmth.
Darkness and silence were always welcoming to Jin, but the cold was never. He never liked it.
Yoongi wouldn’t come back soon, he thought, he’s going to be in the studio all night, working on his music and will probably crash there. He’s done it several times for all the years they’ve known each other and been roommates.
Jin stands up, leaving the warmth of his own bed and trying to find remnants of Yoongi in his sheets. Trying to find his smell, his weight, his voice, his skin. Jin curls himself in the nest of pillows and messy blankets and inhales deeply.
Yoongi’s scent appears like a mist and it runs through his veins waking every inch of his skin from inside out. Jin feels shivers all over his skin and then he realizes how much harder it would be to go back to his bed.
He stays there drawing circles with his index on Yoongi’s pillow, wondering what would be like to draw them on his skin. Jin feels like a kid who dreams about being an artist, drawing in ruled paper but dreaming about a blank canvas. He closes his eyes but his sight doesn’t change, it’s dark outside, it’s dark inside.
The blackness before his eyes gets painted with beautiful watercolored dreams, clouds of pink stars and purple galaxies and Yoongi’s voice echoing behind the cloudy constellations. His dream feels too real then, because he can feel a hot breeze against the back of his neck and smells the mix of tobacco, cinnamon and coffee entering his nostrils and intoxicating him.
“Jin hyung”, it’s the sweet hoarse voice which pulls him from inside his mind, from inside his starred darkness to the blank blackness of reality.
Jin realizes now, it’s the middle of the night and he is not in his bed, not drowning in his own scent. He is getting caught.
His eyes widen and Yoongi’s face is at millimeters from his. Jin has never seen Yoongi this close before but now he did he doesn’t think he could ever go back seeing him from afar. The darkness he finds in Yoongi’s eyes are too welcoming and warm and then suddenly his own seems lonelier.
“I-I’m sorry”, he mumbles desperately, startling the younger.
“For what?”, Yoongi asks.
They’re defying the laws of physics. They’re existing in one same spot in space and Jin knows it’s impossible but that’s how close he feels. It’s one bed and it has enough space for the both of them, yet their legs are entangled and they’re almost merging into one another.
“I’m on your bed”, Jin explains. His eyes and Yoongi’s never detach from each other’s and there is something there, something unsaid but floating around the edges in attempts to dive deeper, to know. There is want for the other to know. “I’m going to my bed”, he whispers.
Yoongi’s eyes swell and he seems to rush when Jin moves his body in a struggle to get up. The younger’s bony and pale hand flies straight to Jin’s pectoral, not pushing him down but strong enough to make the statement.
“Stay”, he asks, looking right into Jin’s eyes back again. “Sleep with me tonight?”
There is a vulnerability that’s tactile in his voice, like he is sharing one big secret with a untold plead for discretion, for it to remain hidden.
Jin stares at him, because for a moment he feels like the rush of thoughts running through his head are actually displayed on his pupils for Yoongi to watch like a movie in the cinema. They are there, all the feelings he’s been fighting to keep silent for years, making it hard for him to breath in the dark and in the silence, where he gets more at ease.
“Yes”, he whispers, “I’ll stay here with you.”
Yoongi lets go of a breath he’s been holding on for dear life and it hits Jin right on the lips, which are tingling with the desire to taste Yoongi, rather than just smell. For one second, Jin allows himself to look at Yoongi’s lips and wonder what it would be like to have them, to feel them. When he looks up, Yoongi is looking at him and he feels like he got caught.
Yoongi nods a little and Jin doesn’t know what he means, but then the younger is already curled against him, with arms around his waist and his face buried on the curve of his neck.
Jin closes his eyes and pulls Yoongi even closer, the younger’s thigh in between Jin’s, who squeezes it hard. Their embrace is tight and safe and Jin allows himself to sigh in relief. Yoongi nuzzles his nose against Jin’s jaw.
That’s how they fall asleep.
When Jin wakes up in Yoongi’s bed, he is not there anymore, which makes Jin think he didn’t want to be there, because Yoongi always wake up late, and if he wakes up early he always stay in bed for as long as he can. Jin feels particularly sad when he thinks he’ll have to sleep without Yoongi from now on, he’ll have to go back to his own bed like he doesn’t know what it’s like to be so close to him. He thinks it was a one time thing because Yoongi was sad or needy.
Jin thinks Yoongi doesn’t know how needed he is.
The day follows normally, Yoongi is not unusually distant nor suddenly warmer. It’s like everything that happened is completely forgotten, or left in between realities like the path to another multiverse. Maybe that’s what he and Yoongi will always be, something that belongs to another reality. In this one, they’re band mates, they’re fishing partners, they’re best friends. It should be enough.
That night, when Jin gets to the bedroom, Yoongi is already asleep. Jin lays in his own bed and stares at him. Yoongi’s features are soft and peaceful with his deep eyes closed. He is so beautiful, he seems so calm. Jin knows best though, Jin sees him with open eyes and he knows Yoongi like the back of his hand. He knows more. At least he has that.
Like windows blown by the wind during a thunderstorm, Yoongi opens his eyes almost violently, staring directly to Jin with his shadowy and troubled irises. Jin loves it. Yoongi’s eyes seem like the darkest abyss in which Jin would throw himself recklessly.
They stare at each other, Jin feels like he got caught again, but Yoongi doesn’t seem bothered nor judgemental about it. He doesn’t seem uncomfortable nor invaded. Their beds are centimeters apart from each other, but they are close enough so they can see each other’s faces under the golden light of the lamp near Jin’s bed.
Several minutes of looking into each other’s eyes after, Jin feels braver in the dark, bolder. They only blink and breathe, taking each other’s faces in the midlight. Yoongi closes his eyes and Jin thinks it’s over, but instead the younger lifts his blanket and then open his eyes again, looking at Jin. It’s an invitation and he’s vulnerable again.
Jin doesn’t allow him to wait to much, moving to his bed really rushedly.
Once they’re close, again with entangled legs and glued chests and Jin’s arms wrapped around Yoongi’s waist, the younger covers them with the blanket until they’re in a cocoon of sheets.
It’s too warm inside, their breaths so hot hitting the other right in the face, noses almost brushing, hair falling on their foreheads. It’s not really comfortable, they’re sweating a little and if they put their heads outside the blanket it would be easier to breathe, but Jin doesn’t want that and Yoongi doesn’t want that either. They want to be protected and caught up on each other, like two kids that share a secret under the covers during sleepovers.
“Can we do this every night?”, Yoongi asks in a mumbled whisper.
Jin looks at him, letting his eyes run all over Yoongi’s face, his eyes, his nose, his lips, his eyes again.
“God, yeah”, Jin says, “yeah we can do this every night”.
He doesn’t know how long that would be. He would do it every night forever. He would give all his nights to Yoongi for as long as he lives. He doesn’t know if Yoongi means every night forever, but he knows it includes today, tomorrow and some more, and for now, that’s all he needs.
“C’mhere”, he whispers, pulling Yoongi against his chest and grabbing his hair, tugging it and then threading his fingers through it.
Yoongi nuzzles his nose against the soft spot behind Jin’s ear, his hot breath against it.
They’re under the covers and they are entangled to one another.
That’s how it starts.
***
When Jin wakes up Yoongi is not there. After a year he has gotten used to wake up in a lonely bed. The memory of the delicacy of their night, cuddling and breathing against each other is everything Jin has when the sun rises and steals his peaceful darkness from him. Everything that is left is his closed eyes and his dreams.
He has to go through the living room to get to the kitchen and prepare breakfast, finding a very focused Namjoon reading. On the floor, Taehyung and Jungkook play a game and Jimin is obviously still asleep. Hoseok seems busy organizing the mess the boys made the night before. He seems annoyed too.
When Jin gets to the kitchen, there he is, his best friend, wearing his traditional oversized black hoodie and his black sweatpants. He is frying an egg and he doesn’t realize when Jin arrives.
Jin actually loves it, the way Yoongi gets so immersed even in the smallest things, how he gives it all in any activity. Jin loves Yoongi’s dedication and also the way he looks when he is focused, with his pouty lips and his semi closed eyes.
“Good morning”, he says, breaking the silence.
Yoongi gets a little startled at first, turning quickly to gift Jin with one of his faint yet honest smiles.
“Good morning Jin hyung”, he mumbles back.
It was never different or awkward between them. The following day was always the same, they behave like best friends, and Yoongi behaves like he does with anyone. Jin always knew Yoongi secretly likes being babied and cared for, and he’d love to be the one to do that, but Jin is also shy and very insecure about demonstrating his affection, mainly to Yoongi.
He used to think a lot about it, about how he’d do it, gather the courage to hold Yoongi’s hand or hug him or rub his belly. Jin secretly envies the naturality with which Jimin and Taehyung do it, reach out and touch. He can’t. He can’t because they sleep together and there is this unspoken rule about how it’s only at night, only when they’re about to fall into the dream dimension. If he ever touch Yoongi like he wants it, like it doesn’t mean anything more than friends showing affection, Yoongi might think he is in love with him, which is true, but unrequited.
Sometimes Jin finds himself biting his tongue, afraid he is going to blurt out a confession out of nowhere. Like when you’re in a really high place and you tighten your grip on the balcony so you don’t randomly jump out of impulse, or when you hold your cellphone tight so you don’t throw it out of the window in a moment of loss of lucidness. Jin doesn’t know if this impulses are something only he can feel, or if more people feel it too, but he knows he is scared of someday confessing and only realizing after he did it.
Jin opens the fridge to search something to have for breakfast. He grabs a bottle of milk and pours into a cup.
“Yoongi-ah, when you finish, can you leave the pan on the stove? I think I’ll use it to fry an egg for me too”, he says, as he puts the bottle of milk back into the fridge.
“I’m already preparing on for you, hyung”, Yoongi responds calmly.
Jin’s heart melt with pure affection and gratitude. He’d like to press a kiss on Yoongi’s cheek as a thank you, but he thinks it might be too bold, so he just squeezes the nape of Yoongi’s neck and leans besides him to smell the food.
“Thank you Yoon”, he says, because this feels natural and not scary at all.
Yoongi just shrugs and smiles lightly and then pours the eggs on the plate. He takes it to the counter, grabbing a bowl of rice and sauce and the sticks.
It feels very domestic that they are both sharing food of one bowl and one plate using the same hashis. It happens all the time, the seven of them share everything, sleep on the same bed, see each other naked and all, yet it only feels like this with him. Jin has shared meals with all the boys, but it only feels like it matters when it’s with Yoongi, when they’re laughing over some stupid comment the other made or just talking about real life issues.
When he looks up, Yoongi’s eyes rest on his face, and he smiles because there it is, his little share of darkness during daylight.
“Jin hyung, I was working on a song yesterday and I thought it sounds like something I’d like to hear you sing, so I was thinking if you’d wanna try it out?”, he says it casually.
Yoongi always says it casually, and that’s why Jin thinks Yoongi will never correspond his feelings, because it seems like nothing has ever changed. And perhaps it didn’t, perhaps it was always the same for Jin and the only different thing is that even though it’s hard to live each day without him, it becomes easier at night, when for a few hours he can pretend someday he’ll be able to breathe as easily during the days. Maybe one day the sun and the moon will coexist at the same time.
“Yeah”, Jin answers, mirroring Yoongi’s naturalcy “of course I want to. What’s the song about?”
Yoongi’s eyes move from Jin’s to the bowl, from where he takes a small amount of rice and shoves it into his mouth. Jin watches the movement, not even trying to tear his eyes apart from Yoongi’s lips. When he finally looks up, Yoongi’s eyes are on him again and once more he got caught.
“It’s about love”, Yoongi says, eyes not leaving Jin’s. He thinks for a second that he spots something in Yoongi’s dark orbs, like a glint of reciprocation.
He swallows and then he bites his bottom lip.
“What kind of love?”, Jin asks, and it’s his time to fake his attitude, so he touches Yoongi’s hands to grab the sticks and eats some of the food left.
Yoongi swallows. Something about this conversation seems to be unspoken, like butterflies fluttering around them but never landing.
“Just love, Jin”, he shrugs it off, like he does when he doesn’t want to go further on the subject.
“Okay”, Jin says, because he knows Yoongi won’t talk about it any longer.
“Are we going fishing next thursday?”, Yoongi asks “I was thinking we could go earlier, like two hours earlier”
“Sure”, Jin replies “Why, though?”
Yoongi seems troubled by the question, as if he wasn’t expecting Jin to ask him the reason. He drinks from his cup and bites his inner cheeks. He parts himself from the counter, taking the bowl and the plate with him towards the sink. Jin moves along, intending to take the lead in doing the dishes.
“I’ll do it”, he says to Yoongi, taking the sponge and the soap.
He thinks the conversation is over when Yoongi takes a few steps towards the door, behind Jin’s back.
“I just want us to spend more time…” Yoongi says, and there is something implied that causes Jin’s heart to beat faster.
“I’d like that”, Jin says, and he is smiling but Yoongi can’t see.
He can’t see Yoongi’s smile as well.
***
They’re at the studio.
Yoongi’s studio is sacred. No one is allowed to be inside, he usually locks himself there and he works.
Jin has always wondered what would it be like to see Yoongi like this. He has seen Yoongi working on songs, he has seen Yoongi producing, but he has never seen Yoongi in studio, completely in his element, completely being himself, pouring his beautiful mind, his beautiful soul onto it.
Yoongi looks really solemn when working. He remains silent, leaned on the table so he can see better, the digital keyboard in front of him, his elbows on each side of it. He wears a pair of headphones and Jin sits beside him, and he doesn’t know if Yoongi is not aware or if he just pretends he is unbothered by the fact Jin is shamelessly staring at him, like he is a Monet hanging on the walls of a big french museum.
The song is about love, Yoongi says, and Jin can feel it, but there are no lyrics yet. There is just a very deep melody, strummed guitar strings and calm. Jin think that is the exact same sound he would hear if his feelings for Yoongi were to become music. He wishes it was the same for Yoongi.
Words pour through his brain like a waterfall, his feelings for Yoongi causing him to shiver, recognizing himself in the melody, in his own rush of feelings.
Jin feels at twilight, when it’s not clear yet but not also dark and he doesn’t know what are the limits, what he can do or he can’t. He doesn’t even know what to feel, conflicted between fear and bravery, between staying still and reaching out.
“This song sounds lonely”, Jin says, because Yoongi has asked him to listen to it and say what he thinks.
Yoongi hums, squeezing his lips into a pout.
“I think it sounds good alone”, he debates “like lyrics could be good, but could also be a disaster”
Jin thinks Yoongi is talking about something else.
There’s something about being there, in Yoongi’s studio, where no one is allowed to go in, that makes him want to say things he ordinarily wouldn’t.
“I think it sounds like love, sounds exactly like what love would sound like to me, but you asked me to come and sing because you thought it’d be good. We need lyrics”
Yoongi looks away.
“I’m afraid they might not fit as well as I thought”, Yoongi confesses.
Jin just looks at him. Perhaps he is being paranoid and misreading things, but he thinks Yoongi is talking about them, about how he is having second thoughts.
“I think they’d fit perfectly”, Jin whispers, looking away.
“You’re being weird”, Yoongi suddenly says, startling Jin.
Jin hesitates before saying anything. He feels called out and like he invaded Yoongi’s private space and made him uncomfortable.
Yoongi moves his thumb to his pouty lips and uses his teeth to rip the skin around his nail. Jin knows he does it when he’s nervous or anxious. Jin feels very troubled about his actions since Yoongi was annoyed by it, but he decides to move.
Jin reaches out, grabbing Yoongi’s hand, pulling his thumb out of his mouth and leaning closer to him.
“You shouldn’t bite your thumb”, he says softly, holding Yoongi’s hand near his face “It hurts”
Jin leans, eyes connected to Yoongi’s, and lightly pecks the younger’s thumb, which is still wet from being in between his teeth a few seconds ago.
Yoongi’s eyes are dark as always, just the way Jin likes.
Yoongi is incognito. He is unreadable at the moment and Jin feels his body trembling with the nervousness about what he just did. He was always insecure about being touching and caring and being tender and this is the first time he acted despite his fear. It’s the first time he acts brave.
Yoongi bites his lip and with his free hand he takes off his headphones, still staring at Jin. This is new for them, ever since this morning something feels different between them and it’s nerve wracking, it’s suffocating not knowing how to act with your best friend.
He pulls his hand away from Jin’s and looks back to the screen and Jin feels his heart dropping to his feet with embarrassment, pain, rejection.
“Don’t do this”, Yoongi mumbles, moving to fix something on the song on the computer.
It takes a while for Jin to move, to process the rejection. It hurts, it’s the first thing he feels. It’s like trying to drink coffee and burning the palate. It’s a matter of seconds until you feel it get numb, then rough, then the thin burned skin pelting. Jin feels it in seconds, the hurt, the pain, then the anger.
Jin hardly ever gets angry, he hardly ever feels like it’s enough and that it’s his limit, but this time he does, because Yoongi started this, Yoongi went to his bed, he asked to sleep together every night, he left in the morning. Yoongi likes to pretend things didn’t happen so he doesn’t have to deal with them because it’s scary.
Jin looks at Yoongi pretending, because now he knows Yoongi does feel something. He just knows it and he doesn’t know how he ever doubted. Of course Yoongi feels it too.
“Why did you leave?”, Jin asks after several minutes just staring at Yoongi pretending he doesn’t feel anything.
“What?”, Yoongi asks, taking a while to turn and look at him.
“You. The first night we slept together. You are always the last one to wake up but it’s been a year and you wake up earlier and you make sure you’re not there when I wake up. Why, Yoongi?”, Jin has finally gathered the bravery and his eyes are so intense on Yoongi, making it perfectly clear that he won’t take a shrug off of shoulders as an answer.
Yoongi takes too long to answer, as if he is calculating exactly what he’ll say that won’t give it away.
“I didn’t want you to confuse things”, he finally says.
Jin nods, compressing his lips.
Jin is not a cryer. He doesn’t cry, he doesn’t lose control, he doesn’t get emotional, but he can feel as his eyes get blurred and he clenches his jaw because he doesn’t want anything to come out. Not anymore.
Jin feels he walked out of the darkness and he got burned by the sun.
“I think you should work on your song alone, then. I can’t help you”, he says, getting up from his chair and grabbing his coat. He walks to the door and grabs the doorknob before turning around and looking at Yoongi’s face one more time. He looks like he is trying to hold himself together, like he is fighting something inside. Jin doesn’t care “I also think we should sleep in our own beds from now on”.
When Jin closes the door behind him, he cries for the first time in countless years.
***
The darkness feels exactly like it must seem like to everyone else. Jin feels like a kid who had his parents abandoning him at the supermarket. Everything around him feels too big, to crowded, too confusing. He feels cold, he feels lonely, he feels misunderstood.
Jin was never the one to want relationships. He was never the one to diminish them or what love means to anyone. He was never the bitter one to think love is just an illusion people use to find some sort of validation. He believed everyone has their own version of the truth, and everyone should live by it. His truth though was never about love. It never made sense to him the idea of being infatuated, of getting to know someone and falling immediately and then wanting to share his life with them.
What has always made sense to Jin however was Yoongi. It’s not the fact that he is “in love” with Yoongi, it’s the fact he /loves/ him. To Jin there was always a difference between being in love and loving. Being in love is good, it makes you giddy, it makes you hopeful and sometimes is angsty but it’s filled with anticipation and daydreaming and wonderful. Loving is different, it’s the state of being perpetually willing to share, even when is hard, it’s staying, it’s helping, it’s undressing the soul and being vulnerable to the bone. Loving is having a best friend, loving is silence and darkness and distance still feeling warm and calm and safe.
Jin thinks Yoongi doesn’t love him, because now silence and darkness and distance feel too literal. It’s like Jin’s lost the meaning to all those words and was left to the other’s definition of it.
It hurts.
You can love without being in love. You can be in love without loving, but Yoongi is both and there’s no way to detach. There’s no way to detach him from Jin.
He curls himself on his own bed and it feels so lonely, so vast, so endless. There’s no warmth next to him, there is no one to hold on to. It feels like the dark and cold sea during the nights he goes fishing. Everywhere he looks is equal blackness, equal cold, equal hopelessness. Everything Jin has known and everything he thought he’d have forever is gone.
He closes his eyes and he feels broken somehow because he is crying and he never cries. He never does, but the loss of his best friend is too much to take.
When his eyes are closed, several hours later, he hears the door opening and he knows it’s Yoongi. He remains still, paralyzed and with eyes closed. He doesn’t know how to explain, but he knows Yoongi’s movements like they’re their own. He can feel, even with his eyes closed, as Yoongi walks around and stops in front of his bed. He feels Yoongi’s eyes landing on him, and even though he has his eyes closed and he knows everything changed, he feels a glint of the warmth he once felt.
“Jin hyung?”, Yoongi breaks the silence and his voice cuts through Jin’s chest like a thousand daggers. Jin fights not to have his face contorting in ugly and pained cry.
Only his voice is enough to hurt him. Jin feels the movement above him and for a second he can swear it’s Yoongi’s hand and that he’ll touch his face, but it hesitates.
It never reaches his skin, the touch that he’s been aching, craving for for years. Jin thinks he’ll miss this touch forever, even if he doesn’t know what it feels like.
Yoongi moves and sits on the edge of his own bed. Jin imagines he has his arms resting against his thighs and that he is leaned forward and that he is biting his thumb, but there’s no way he knows for sure.
Yoongi stands up and walks away and Jin thinks he won’t sleep in their room, but instead he feels the mattress sinking next to him and arms circling around him. Yoongi thinks he is asleep.
There is a warm breath against the nape of Jin’s neck. He shivers, the chills running through his skin so hard it hurts. Yoongi is so close, so close like he has never been and it hurts that the closest he has even been is when he is the furthest.
A warm drop falls on Jin’s skin and it tickles and he wants to wipe it away but more drops fall and Yoongi is crying and Yoongi has never cried.
Jin and Yoongi are very alike, except that Yoongi is secretly softer, needier, clingier. He’ll never admit it but he is. Jin is more sober, more put together, his affection is shown so subtly it might go unnoticed. It’s in the details, in the food he prepares, in the advice he gives, in the way he allows the boys to count on him. What they both do is not cry. Ever.
Jin thinks it means something that they both cry this night.
“I’m sorry”, Yoongi whispers with lips hovering over the curve of Jin’s neck “I’m so sorry”
He really thinks Jin is asleep.
“I was so scared”, he confesses.
Jin turns around in Yoongi’s embrace, startling the younger.
Yoongi’s eyes widen, surprised by Jin’s consciousness. His eyes are puffy, his nose and lips are red. He’s been crying since before, but Jin doesn’t know since when.
Yoongi’s hand cups Jin’s face and it’s so surprising and yet so good. It’s the touch Jin’s been craving for years. Yoongi’s fingertips are soft and cold and he closes his eyes and just feels it because he loves it.
“I’m sorry”, Yoongi says in a whisper when Jin opens his eyes and finds Yoongi’s.
“It’s okay”, Jin says, and pulls the younger into a hug.
Yoongi’s nose nuzzle in the curve of Jin’s jaw and his arms wrap around his neck, hands grabbing his hair.
Their legs are entangled and it all reminds him how it all started.
When Jin wakes up in the morning, he spots the darkness of Yoongi’s orbs staring at him. It’s like coming home.
“Hi”, Jin greets in a whisper.
They’re really close, so close their noses almost brush. It’s good to have Yoongi this close to him. He has the same feeling he did that night when they were under the covers and Yoongi asked him to sleep together every night. It like a secret promise that they’ll be together for a long time, that they’ll share things, that they’ll share life.
Jin’s eyes are puffy and so are Yoongi’s and maybe it’s hangover for all the tears they shed, since they aren’t used to crying. Jin feels tired and his eyes are heavy and he feels unusually sleepy and he thinks all tiredness and sleepiness you feel after crying is your body telling you it’s okay, you can rest now, you’ve been through a lot.
He blinks and his eyes takes longer to open again, but when he does is still dark because Yoongi’s eyes stare at him.
“I’ll be here in the mornings now”, Yoongi whispers back.
Jin smiles and closes his eyes to blink, but goes back to sleep instead of opening them again.
“Okay”, he says.
When Jin wakes up again Yoongi is not there.
The first thing he feels is a pull on his chest, and then he wonders if he dreamed of it, if he dreamed about Yoongi coming back and saying sorry and promising he’d be there.
Jin has dreamed about Yoongi’s eyes countless times, he has memorized what they seem like under the mist of wonder that’s present in fantasy. Last night was real, Jin just knows.
He stands up and drags his feet to the bathroom, his face swollen and puffy from the turbulent night. He washes his face and brushes his teeth, trying to drag the moment when he’ll walk out of the room and find out if something really changed.
Hoseok, Jimin and Jungkook are on the carpet, rolling around and laughing like they are always.
“Good morning Jin hyung”, Jimin greets between giggles.
“Good morning Jimin-ah”, he answers, “did you sleep well?”
Jimin nods, mumbling something about being really tired and oversleeping.
“Did you sleep well?”, Hoseok asks with a frown, “You seem really tired”
Jin should’ve known that cold water wouldn’t wash away the remnants of the night.
“You and Yoongi hyung came back really late yesterday”, Jungkook points out “Where were you?”
Jin swallows. He knows the boys will make a huge drama out of the fact he got into Yoongi’s studio and won’t leave him alone, so he half lies.
“We were discussing something”.
“What?”, Jungkook asks, since he is curious.
“Nothing, brat”, Jin says in a teasing tone and move to the kitchen as Jungkook whines.
Taehyung is leaned against the counter with a mug of hot chocolate, Namjoon is writing something on the table and Yoongi is hidden behind the door of the fridge, grabbing something, Jin imagines.
It’s weird to have all of his bones aching and his body trembling just with the thought of looking his best friend in the eyes, but that’s what Jin feels. The previous day was very confusing, filled with subjectivity and unspoken thoughts and feelings and a huge blow up about untold secrets. It was all very unlike what Jin values in his relationship with Yoongi.
At some level he feels scared of all the mess they made yesterday. He feels scared Yoongi is confused and not as sure about his feelings as Jin is. He is scared he changes his mind.
“Good morning hyung”, Taehyung says and Jin curses under his breath because he was denounced and now Yoongi knows.
“G’morning Tae”, he answers as lowly as he can, but it’s too late because Yoongi is already closing the door and looking directly at him. His face is also swollen and his eyes are puffy.
“Hi”, he says with hoarse voice.
“Hey”, Jin smiles faintly, not knowing exactly what to do.
Jin is not touchy, nor clingy, but somehow with Yoongi all he wants to do is hug, and cuddle, and hold hands and kiss. He wants to do that right now, to clash their bodies against each other and with the collision he wants their souls to merge and entangle forever.
Yoongi has a bottle of milk in his hands and he walks to the counter and pour a little to a mug.
“I woke up earlier naturally”, he says casually, but there’s a tone of explanation in his words and Jin feels relieved, Yoongi’s eyes are big and almost scared “I made you breakfast”
Yoongi seems shy. He has always been quiet, even with Jin, he has never been shy, though. Jin thinks is lovely.
“Thank you”, Jin’s smile widen a little.
Jin never thought about himself like that, like someone who blushes or gets giddy and giggly over someone. He would never do it, if it wasn’t Yoongi.
Jin thinks about Montaigne’s “ If I am pressed to say why I loved him, I feel it can only be explained by replying: 'Because it was he; because it was me ’”.
It’s because it’s Jin. It’s because it’s Yoongi.
Yoongi pours the cold milk on the hot coffee and then walks to Jin, a little hesitatingly and then hands him the mug. Their fingers brush.
“I also made you a sandwich, it’s on the counter”, he says softly.
“Thank you, Gi”, Jin smiles.
Jin wants to do more, he moves forward just a little bit, but then hesitates. Jin wants to hug him tight, hold his hand, but he doesn’t know what is allowed and specially with Namjoon and Taehyung around. He doesn’t know if they’re watching because he can only see Yoongi, but judging by how perceptive both men are, he thinks they’re noticing something is different.
Yoongi moves to walk away, to the living room, but he steps back for a second and presses a soft kiss on Jin’s cheek, mumbling “good morning Jin hyung” very lowly.
Jin’s ears turn red and when Yoongi leaves the room he looks at Namjoon, who’s looking at him through his glasses like he was observing, Taehyung bites his lips not to smile.
“Shut up”, Jin says to the boys rolling his eyes, but he has a smile on his face.
They decide to watch a movie, all seven of them. They have a few days off before actually starting to record for the comeback and they don’t have to perform until two weeks from now. They are all very tired. It’s rare the moment when they have free time and rarer when all of them decide to sit and stay quiet, specially when their routines are so rushed and they barely have the time to actually do what they like.
Jin moves to the sofa, Yoongi is nowhere to be seen and since he woke up earlier he thinks maybe he’s ditching the movie and taking a nap, so Jin sits between Taehyung and the armchair of the sofa. The boys all settle, some on the floor, some on the chair. The movie starts.
Jin likes movies, he is not an enthusiast, nor he spends time dedicating himself to watch a lot of them, classics or famous ones. He likes the cinema, likes when they get together eventually to see one, or even when he is bored and watches, but this time he can’t really focus because even though the movies seems interesting, his mind is somewhere else.
The scenes happening in front of him seem meaningless because he is in trance, his eyes are glued to the TV but he cannot focus at all because he thinks about Yoongi, about how pretty he is when he’s shy, not quiet nor embarrassed but truly and adorably shy. Like when he handed him coffee and came back quickly to peck his cheek.
Jin barely had the time to feel Yoongi’s lips, or to process the fact that they voluntarily pressed against his face, in an act of pure affection.
Jin almost doesn’t notice as Taehyung clings to him, head on his shoulders and eyes focused on the movie. They’ve been silent for a long time when Taehyung moves his head up still against Jin’s arms and Jin follows his head movement to find Yoongi standing in front of them.
The whole scene develops silently, maybe the rest of the boys didn’t even pay attention, but to Jin it feels like time became a blurry mess of colors and they all move in slow motion but too fast at the same time. It’s like a break in time and space.
Yoongi looks cuddly, dressed in a huge dark grey hoodie and grey sweatpants, he looks at Taehyung very briefly and then he looks at the empty spot next to the younger on the sofa. He could easily fit there, since Taehyung is glued to Jin, but instead he looks at Jin and without hesitation, he plops down on Jin’s lap.
For a second, Taehyung and Jin look at each other, Taehyung has a mischievous grin decorating his face. Jin suppresses a smile in a poor attempt of pretending he is more annoyed at Taehyung’s suggestive facial expressions than happy for being that close to Yoongi.
Taehyung moves his head to rest on the opposite side of the couch, leaving only his feet against Jin’s thigh as support. In the middle of five other boys, Jin feels grateful for feeling entitled to privacy, because the boys act normal at the unusual sight of Yoongi’s behavior and it means the world to Jin that they do it.
Yoongi is facing the TV but he is kind of sideways on Jin’s lap with his fingers intertwined in front of his own belly. Jin circles his arms around Yoongi’s waist and putting his hands on top of the younger’s, his fingers curling and getting trapped into Yoongi’s, who welcomes his hands.
It takes a while but Jin feels Yoongi relaxing on his lap, body leaning on Jin’s and head resting on Jin’s shoulder, his forehead pressed against Jin’s neck. The minutes go by until Yoongi nuzzles on Jin’s neck just like Jin loves, like he does when they’re about to fall asleep with his small and adorable nose that Jin craves to bop. He thinks maybe now he’ll be able to.
Jin doesn’t quite know what is changing between them, but something huge did, something indescribable, maybe even undetectable, but something undeniably irreversible.
The movie goes by and Jin is not paying any attention. It doesn’t matter how much he wants it, his thoughts can never drift too apart from Yoongi and his scent, his soft cheek against Jin’s collarbones. Jin leans his face to press his own cheeks against Yoongi’s and awkwardly press a subtle kiss there. Yoongi nuzzles closer, it’s intimate but not inappropriate.
Jin loves the way they’re both trying to get closer, even though they’re the closest already. It’s exciting and adorable how Jin tightens his grip around Yoongi’s body and how Yoongi moves his feet to the sofa and his arms around Jin’s neck curling into a ball.
They don’t even pay attention to the movie or the rest of the guys, it’s like they’re surrounded by a dome and they’re apart from the rest of the world.
Jin has his eyes closed and he is immersed in that moment like is a lake in a hot summer day, like he is floating, ears underwater, hearing the silence and peacefulness but still with his face out, breathing and feeling the warmth of the sun. Perhaps he and Yoongi can also be light.
He feels weightless and dozing off into a sweet state of trance, like he and Yoongi are somehow protected in between two dimensions where they’re unnoticed and unaware of their surroundings.
When Jin’s eyes open, the boys are not there anymore and the room is a little bit more golden than it was and the sun seems lower by the window so he thinks it’s just the beginning of the afternoon and he and Yoongi fell asleep.
Yoongi seems to rest peacefully in the same position they were before falling asleep. His breath is warm against Jin’s skin and his pouty lips are unintentionally touching his neck, which makes Jin shiver. The arm onto which Yoongi is resting feels numb and he feels it starting to tingle like there are thousands of ants walking on it, he tries to tighten his grip around the younger’s body but it suddenly startles Yoongi.
“Hey”, Jin says softly, “we fell asleep”.
Yoongi has one of his eyes closed and his face is puffy and swollen and his hair is a mess and points everywhere. He looks around through his one opened eye and then he lazes, taking his arms off of Jin’s neck and stretching them up, arching his back.
Jin thinks it’s the most adorable sight he has ever seen. Of course he has seen Yoongi waking up before, but if not counting the bon voyages or other atypical situations when they haven’t slept together. If counting only the times they have, it’s been a year since he falls asleep hoping to watch Yoongi wake up. He could’ve had woken up earlier to ambush Yoongi wake up and see if he would dare to leave if he was looking at Jin dead in the eye, but Jin was too much of a coward to risk it, knowing Yoongi could reject him.
Now they’re not in the bed and it’s not dark and it’s nothing like he ever thought it would be, but it’s so much more. There’s nothing really romantic about it, it’s not like books or movies ever describe, however there’s a sense of realness to it that makes everything better than any of Jin’s daydreams.
Yoongi is on his lap, makeupless, sleepy and uninhibited. He is goddamn beautiful. When Yoongi lowers his arms and turn to Jin, he slides a little and now he is straddling Jin’s lap in an innocent manner that makes Jin’s heart skip a beat. He feels like he is watching his dreams manifesting and solidifying in front of him.
“You’re so beautiful”, Jin spills, words slipping out of his lips with the naturalcy of a breath.
Yoongi opens both eyes in surprise and relaxes his thighs, plopping completely on Jin’s legs. His cheeks flushed red. Jin smiles at the sight and lifts his hand to put one of the locks of Yoongi’s hair behind his ear, but it’s too short and it falls back on Yoongi’s eyes, causing them both to laugh shyly.
Jin loves the new dynamic, how he finds out each second how he is now allowed to touch Yoongi in a new tender, caring and freer way. He cups Yoongi’s face with his hand and rubs his thumb on his cheek, the other hand sliding up and massaging the younger’s thigh on the side of his body.
Yoongi leans and buries his face on the crook of Jin’s neck and wraps his arms around it as well, making Jin circle his arms around the younger’s waist and bring him closer, pressing their chests against each other’s.
The biggest surprise is that after a while of Yoongi nuzzling his nose against his skin, he purposefully brushes his lip, causing Jin to shiver and tighten his grip around the younger’s waist. Yoongi seems encouraged by the action so he drags his bottom lip a little before allowing the tip of his tongue to peak out and taste Jin’s skin.
Jin feels his skin getting hotter and his eyes closing to enjoy Yoongi. He has always wondered what it would be like to taste Yoongi but he has not imagined what it would be like to be tasted, to be kissed, to have his skin wet by Yoongi’s lips. It feels so good he knows he never imagined because even his mind wouldn’t dare to dream about something so good.
Yoongi uses his teeth and then his upper lip to pull and suck a little harder, but not really.
Jin doesn’t think it’s necessarily sexual, nor teasing, it’s exploring, enjoying the new wonders he now has access to.
Jin feels dissolving under Yoongi’s breath and the trail of open mouthed kisses he makes until it gets to the back of his ear, where he sucks enough to make it bloom a purple flower later and then presses sweet feather like kisses.
Jin hums, hugging Yoongi tighter, like he needs that hug as he needs air. Again is still not sexual, it’s the dream and the desire of being together, of letting him know by having his body pulled into Jin’s embrace he will feel how they should be, how they belong together.
“M’missed you”, Yoongi hums and mumbles right on Jin’s ear, his hands cupping Jin’s neck, his thighs pressing the sides of Jin’s legs and him snuggling closer and closer.
Jin knows what he means. They have seen each other everyday for years, they have shared secrets, a room, their bed, however there was always an absence so concrete it was almost tactile. They were missing each other terribly, because even though they were never apart, they were also never together.
“Missed you too”, Jin breathes out, bumping his head to a side so Yoongi can keep on peppering kisses there “Missed you so much”
Yoongi moves his kisses to Jin’s jaw, opening his mouth a little to make the kisses wetter, sometimes sucking a bit “I’m sorry it took so long”, he says while dragging his lower lip up from Jin’s jaw to his cheek, then pecking again.
“M’sorry too”, Jin’s voice is so affected, he can barely formulate words, completely surrendered to Yoongi, unwrapping his arms from Yoongi’s waist, one hand going to the younger’s hip, under his hoodie and feeling his warm and soft skin, the other cupping his face, guiding him back to his neck.
Yoongi’s hands grab Jin’s hair and pulls it while he bites and licks his earlobes, this time he dares to move his hip just enough to tease.
Jin guides Yoongi to face him.
Yoongi’s eyes are dark as always, welcoming just the way that captivated Jin for years and sucked him into the endless universe that’s Yoongi’s soul. The younger’s lips are glowy from his own saliva and he stares Jin so intensely.
Jin has always thought of Yoongi as a very well-solved person. Of course, he had his issues, but he always had pretty consistent and mature opinions, always calm and peaceful and never losing composure. Jin always knew Yoongi was soft and secretly needy, but he has never thought he’d see him in this state of vulnerability. Yoongi looks innocent at the same time his eyes shine like he has loved Jin for thousands of past lives.
Jin looks at him and he feels his heart bubbly with affection, with excitement and with pure happiness. It’s a weird feeling, like there’s a volcano about to erupt on his stomach and it’ll turn into a smile that will rip his face in two.
He licks his lips and then cups Yoongi’s face, and he feels the words rushing up from his chest to his tongue and he can barely think before saying “I love you”.
Yoongi’s expression changes completely, Jin feels utter and absolute panic taking over him and his whole body shivering because he does, he does love Yoongi with every single bone in his body but he always thought he’d be unable to vocalize it because once the words are out love seems to solidify and fall onto him like and anvil would crash a cartoon. He never thought love could be this heavy. He never thought love would be this thick and this concrete.
“Yoongi, I…”, he tries, he opens his mouth to say something but there’s nothing he can say because love is stamped in his face and in his body and his fingerprints and how they touch Yoongi is how he writes it on his skin.
“I love you, Jin hyung”, he lets a faint smile curve his lips up before adding “I thought I’d never be able to say it...”
Yoongi adjusts and looks at Jin, looks him right in the eyes and Jin sees how nervous he is, how shy about the words he’ll let out “I thought I was too much of a coward because… because I never thought it would be real. I never thought, I don’t know, that it would work. For the longest time you have been my best friend and I never wanted a relationship, I never even thought about falling in love and what it meant because everything I needed I had with you” Yoongi smiles before continuing, but his hands are shaky and his words are rushed “And that’s when I realized… why would I need anything else? You’re everything.” he pauses “You’re everything, Jin hyung” Yoongi swallows nervously, and Jin feels realization, like things are finally making sense to him.
“You said it”, Jin says, parting his back from the sofa to get closer to the boy on his lap, their noses now brushing “Because it’s you, Yoongi. I want everything with you” he whispers, looking right into the dark pits that hold his infinite.
They meet halfway, both not being able to spend one more second so distant.
Jin was never a kisser. He has kissed before, but he never really thought it could be this good, it could feel this right. He never kissed out of love and now he did he doesn’t ever want to stop.
Yoongi’s lips are thin but they are pouty even when he kisses and Jin smiles mid kiss before allowing Yoongi’s tongue to lick his lips and to flip inside his mouth. Jin wraps one of his arms around Yoongi’s waist again to keep him in place, cupping his face. Yoongi’s hands are on Jin’s neck, but his thumb runs circles around Jin’s jaw.
Yoongi is tender, Jin has noticed, their make out session doesn’t heat up, Jin would think there would be desperation when he finally tasted Yoongi’s lips, but there isn’t, because as soon as their lips touched, Jin knew he’d have all the time in the world.
It’s a slide of lips, slow, peaceful, savoring each other and this moment they waited for so long. Yoongi’s hands travel for Jin’s shoulders and arms in a very delicate and caring way, soft touch making Jin feel loved, until one of them meets Jin’s on Yoongi’s face. The younger pulls Jin’s hand and intertwine their fingers, putting their hands in between their bodies which are pressed against each other’s. They smile mid kiss again and it remains like this, soft touches and tight hugs and their lips never part and when they do it’s just so they can look each other in the eye and find themselves in them.
After a while they are hungry, it’s almost dinner time and they know soon enough Jungkook will come running down the stairs starving and that the rest of the guys will smell the food too, so they decide to cook dinner together.
To Seokjin, cooking with Yoongi was always amazing. Every activity he shared with Yoongi is amazing and light and pleasant and that’s how he knows he wants to spend everyday with him, because even when he is stressed and tired and upset, Jin still wants to be there and that’s how he knows it’s love.
Cooking together is even better this time because in between chopping and slicing and mixing there are pecks and kisses and hugs and nuzzling noses and laughter and if this is life with Yoongi then Seokjin could never imagine it with anyone else. They’re best friends and doing things together and it feels like they’re the strongest together and they can face anything. Jin knows Yoongi’s flaws, his pet peeves and weird habits and how he gets when he gets moody and even when he is rude, Jin loves him even when he is annoying and grumpy and silent. Yoongi knows that about Jin too and it’s so good to trust.
It’s blind trust they have on one another, they know they built this from the start, that they’ve already been there for worse and for better, that they won’t give up on each other because if they were to to this, they would’ve already.
Seokjin watches as Yoongi tastes the kimchi they just made and he smiles so hard it might actually rip his lips so the smile can spread through his whole body. That’s how happy he is, so happy every atom in his body feel like smiling.
“What?”, Yoongi asks, focused on the food as Jin settles the table.
“I love you”, Jin smiles shyly. He isn’t used to say he loves someone, he’s not used to birds singing and sun shining and feeling like this.
Yoongi smiles the gummiest smile in response, making Jin walk back next to him and pulls him by the waist.
“You’re clingy”, Yoongi fake complains, twisting his cute little nose in apparent annoyance.
“And this is only day one”, Jin teases, leaning to brush his nose against Yoongi’s.
“I guess I’ll have to tolerate your ass forever then”, Yoongi smiles and seals their lips.
“Ewww”, the sound of Jungkook’s voice interrupts them “Now that you confessed will I have to watch this kind of obscenities everyday?
Yoongi turns towards him with an expressionless face “We cooked dinner”, he says.
Jungkook’s twisted face quickly turns into his characteristic and adorable bunny smile, “oooh, I love you hyungs”, he rubs his palms together like he’s plotting something “Jimin-shi, Taehyung-shi”, he runs to the base of the stairs and yells looking up “Namjoonie and Hobi hyungs, the newly weds cooked dinner for us”.
When all the boys come down, they all sit at the table and eat together, everything is just the same, except it’s better.
They have to deal with Hobi and Namjoon’s questions about the seriousness of the relationship, with Jimin asking if they’re boyfriends, which makes them blush because even though it’s obvious, they haven’t discussed it yet. They’re obviously together, Jin is not scared anymore, neither is Yoongi, but they still have a lot to talk. Yoongi notices Jin’s ears becoming red so he brushes the question off by telling them they’re too drunk on the idea of romance sold by Hollywood. He’s joking of course, but it works.
Taehyung ask if they started dating at the studio that day and Yoongi himself says that they fought that day, but he doesn’t share details about it.
“When Jin hyung left I felt like crap and realized I wanted us to be okay no matter what”, Yoongi is obviously shy about it.
“Awww”, Jimin comments “This is cute”
They enjoy their meal, talk for hours and talk a lot until they start to move around, some laying on the sofa and some just grabbing their phones.
“Hey”, Jin whispers to Yoongi, who turns to him with a lovely smile, looking right into his eyes “wanna go to bed?”
There’s an unspoken implication there, even though that was not what Jin was thinking, he only realizes after he says it and watches Yoongi’s eyes widen.
“Because we already sleep together…”, he explains, and watches as Yoongi’s lips for a perfect “O” in comprehension.
“Yeah”, he says softly, his sweater paws playing with the hem of Jin’s shirt, looking up suddenly to stare at Jin “I want to”.
They stand up and try to be discreet about it, watching as the boys fight over who’s gonna do the dishes. Yoongi holds Jin’s hand and intertwines their fingers and Jin smiles and feels like a silly teenager in love because that’s the hand he’s gonna hold forever and he couldn’t be happier about it.
***
When they get to the room, Jin turns to close the door and then walks until his closet to pick a new set of pajamas to take a bath. When he comes back from the shower he his shirtless and dressed in black pants, so he stands next to the drawer to pick a shirt, Yoongi is at his bed looking at his phone and Jin has his back to him, so he doesn’t notice when Yoongi stands up and walks to the middle of the room and then blurts out:
“You know I love you, right?”
Jin smiles and turns around to face the other.
Yoongi looks different under the golden light of the room, with his hands falling to the side of his body, like he is helpless, completely vulnerable. Yoongi has said that before, he has confessed earlier in the afternoon, he has said lots of things, but now he is about to say again.
“I do know”, Jin smiles.
“Yesterday…”, Yoongi starts.
“Yoongi”, Jin steps towards him.
“No, Jin hyung, let me talk”, he seems a little nervous “The boys asked if we were boyfriends and…”
“Oh”, Jin mumbles, feeling something tighten in his chest, flashes of the way Yoongi barely reacted when he called him to bed, the way he asked if Jin knew about his love, perhaps he’ll say that even though he loves Jin he is not as sure about them.
“Yesterday I was scared. You are my best friend and I thought, what if we fight? what if it doesn’t work out? At least I had you at night, in the dark, when I could pretend it would work”, Yoongi takes a step closer “But, I want to look you in the eye now and I want to tell you that I don’t have any doubts. All I can think of when I look at you is how much we’ve been through, how well you know me… When I think how well I know you, Jin, I know there is nothing that could make me ever walk away. The thing is, I had doubts yesterday because I was scared, but when you left all I could see when I closed my eyes were yours, and all I could feel was certainty, and all I could wish was that you were still there so I could tell you how sure I am, and how much I want you, and how much I truly, deeply love you.”
Jin’s eyes get blurry with the tears that rise like the tide and then pour off of his like the waves break at the shore, he walks closer to Yoongi and he feels suddenly like a little kid, because he buries his face on the crook of Yoongi’s neck and wraps his arms around Yoongi’s smaller body.
Seokjin never cries, but in two days he has. He cries because he feels loved, he cries because Yoongi believes in them.
The younger’s hands goes straight to Jin’s hair and he tugs it caringly.
“What I’m asking, Jin hyung…” Yoongi says softly against Jin’s ears “... is if you’ll be my boyfriend?”
Jin kisses Yoongi. He kisses him as deeply as he can, very tender and sweet and careful, cupping his face and pouring his heart. He believes Yoongi feels it too.
“I’ll be your boyfriend Min Yoongi”, he smiles against his lips “forever”
“No”, Yoongi smiles as he wraps his arms around Jin’s neck “One day we will be husbands forever”
Jin nods, smiling “Okay. We will be husbands forever then”, he kisses Yoongi again.
They’re on the bed, cuddling. Yoongi is the smaller spoon this time. They usually cuddle with Yoongi turned towards Jin so his face is buried on his neck, or Yoongi gets to be the bigger spoon because he arrives late from the studio and Jin is already tucked in. Their legs are entangled and Jin’s arms are wrapped around Yoongi’s body and the younger’s hands play with Jin’s in front of his body.
“Hey”, Jin says all of the sudden with his lips against Yoongi’s ear. The younger hums, still entertained with the elder’s long fingers. “You smell so good”
Jin leans and presses a very light and tender open mouthed kiss on Yoongi’s neck.
Yoongi recognizes Jin’s tone of voice. It’s the tone he uses when he is being flirty, Yoongi recognizes because Jin used it when he took Yoongi’s thumb in the studio and kissed it, and this afternoon when he said Yoongi was beautiful. Yoongi loves this flirty voice Jin does, it’s low and slightly moany but not really, just always sounds like a mumble, like a confession, like he is whispering sexy secrets that belong only to Yoongi. He is the only one who has the right to hear it. He loves when Jin gets like this because he feels butterflies on his belly like he knows something is about to happen, even if it’s just Jin looking at him with desireful eyes. Jin’s flirty tone is like the sky before the storm, the clouds turn dark and take over leaving no space for the sun to peak out and you just know something amazing is about to happen, like torrential rain. Yoongi always loved the rain.
“Mhmm”, Yoongi hums, bending his neck so Jin has more access.
The elder keeps trailing kisses, long, wet and open mouthed kisses that feel a lot like love confessions. It’s good, pleasant and it causes Yoongi to melt. However Jin’s kisses come with such tenderness that it makes them more than sexual, it makes them sensual and kind at the same time, it’s like Jin’s kissing him “i love yous”.
“Did you know I got jealous?”, Jin confesses, biting a little on Yoongi’s ear, then sucking a little at the lobe, encouraging Yoongi to whimper a little;
“Yeah?”, the younger asks, arching his neck back so his head could rest on Jin’s shoulder, giving him access to nib harder on his soft skin.
“Yeah”, Jin whispers, causing Yoongi to shiver “I was so jealous of everyone. I was jealous even when Taehyung held your hand”
Yoongi blurts out a small laugh that dissipates on air immediately, as Jin sucks the spot right behind his ear.
“Why?”, Yoongi asks in a whisper, eyes close and completely under Jin’s touches.
Jin kisses him again, dragging his bottom lip before adding another peck, nose nuzzling under his ear. Jin’s fingers trace small circles very lightly on Yoongi’s stomach skin right above the waistband of his sweatpants.
“Because I wanted you to be mine”, Jin says, biting softly on the curve of Yoongi’s neck, his fingers spreading enough on his tummy that the tips brush inside Yoongi’s sweats, too close to his cock.
“I am”, he says, arching his back again a little on impulse, just so his ass presses against Jin in all the right ways.
It was only cuddling at first, but Yoongi feels drowning, surrendered to Jin’s voice, lips, hands. He wants this, and he wants more. He wants Jin.
“I am yours”, he says again.
Jin lets his fingertips delicately touching the skin in the inside of Yoongi’s pants and with his free hand he traces the path up inside his shirt, touching so lightly it’s barely there, until it reaches one of the younger’s nipples. Yoongi lets out soft and low whimpers, like heavy breaths.
Yoongi loves the way everything about Jin is very simple and also very delicate. He doesn’t touch or kiss roughly to make it intense. Yoongi has had very assertive make out sessions, he has had really rough sex before, yet nothing compares to the way Jin talks, Jin kisses, Jin touches. When is rough is desperate, it’s lustful, but he is not desperate now because he knows there is desire and there is passion and Jin addresses it so perfectly with his subtlety and his never breaking patience and the way he knows what he is doing. There’s something about taking his time with Yoongi that makes Yoongi keeps quiet and let Jin touch him the way he wants to because he is going to do it right.
And there is no rush, no hurry, no desperation, because they have all the time in the world and they also have all the love in the world.
Jin turns Yoongi around so their chests are pressed against each other’s and their hearts beat so close to their rib cages that they’re almost escaping them both. Just a little bit closer and they would become one.
Jin leans and kisses Yoongi, and the way he kisses him is like everything that was once unsaid between them suddenly becomes clear. It was everything quiet and dark and settled between them, it was always good, but this kiss feels somewhat like the first ray of sunlight in the morning and Yoongi comes to think they’re something special, like when moon and sun coexist at the same time before the same eyes and this kiss seems a lot like an eclipse.
It’s very calm, like the world is not spinning anymore, like somehow everyone else on earth has disappeared in an apocalyptic rapture and there is no more sounds, no more breaths. There is only Yoongi and the way his exhales are so heavy they’re not silent, they come out of his part lips as noisy as a piano falling down the stairs and breaking the wooden floor.
Jin undresses him delicately as an artist molds the clay before turning it into a masterpiece. As his clothes are taken away, he feels like he is the art being made.
Jin’s hands caress his hips and thighs and legs and it’s almost like he is trying to make Yoongi feel his love not only on his heart and soul but also on his body. Yoongi does, he feels it.
Yoongi grabs the hem of Jin’s shirt and pulls it up, touching every unmarked land on the elder’s skin and doing the same, touching him with love.
They’re both laying in bed on their sides, undressed of clothes and of inhibitions, facing each other, chests back together. Jin’s hand caresses Yoongi’s naked arm and Yoongi’s hand cups Jin’s face.
They’re together. That’s how it works, that’s how Jin’s bing hands grab at their lengths, together. The elder strokes them both at once while pressing kisses on Yoongi’s lips, sucking a little at his bottom lip as Yoongi whines at the pressure. The contact of the heads so sensitive making Yoongi’s head curve back and Jin whimpering with his face buried on Yoongi’s neck.
Yoongi’s hand grab at Jin’s shoulder so he can keep grounded as Jin strokes both of their dicks until they’re leaking, a musical harmony of “ohs” and “ahs” leaving their lips as he does, noses brushing together and the one’s breaths being inhaled by the other with open mouths and touching lips.
When Jin grabs his wallet on his bedside table to take small sachets of lube, Yoongi folds his leg up over Jin’s body to give him better access. They’re still laying in front of each other, just like the way the do before cuddling, or like they did under the covers when Jin promised they’d sleep together every night. Jin uses his finger to start prepping Yoongi, their cocks are trapped in between their bodies still pressed together. Jin adds more fingers and Yoongi whimpers his name in pleasure as Jin speeds up the movements and presses the right pressure on those bundles of nerves against his walls, so he clenches around his fingers.
“Jin hyung”, he moans, pleading for more, opening his eyes just to find Jin’s staring back at him.
Jin stops moving his fingers for a second and pulls out, making Yoongi’s eyes close and his brows furrowed with the absence. Jin leans to kiss Yoongi and distract him as he soaks his own dick with lube and aligns on Yoongi’s rim.
As Jin slides in and Yoongi whimpers, he also gets closer, remaining with one of his legs over Jin’s thigh and butt, a little above him to make it easier for Jin to adjust.
“Hi”, Jin says when he is finally inside, waiting for Yoongi adjust.
“Hey”, Yoongi smiles quietly.
Their faces are really close, their noses keeps brushing and Yoongi decides he loves this, how close they are all the time, he loves to look at Jin from this close. He never wants to look at him from afar again, he thinks that’s must be how astronauts feel having to look at the moon when they come back to Earth. Yoongi never wants to go back to Earth again.
He nods and then Jin moves his hip to the front and up at the same time, making Yoongi’s breath hitch. Jin moves his face closer so his lips and Yoongi are brushing but not touching, one of his arms wrap around Yoongi’s waist, pressing the younger’s dick in between their abs and making him moan at the pleasure. Jin’s free hand grab Yoongi’s thigh that is over his hip and he caresses it at the same time he folds the younger’s leg even more over his own waist so he angles perfectly and thrusts up strong. He repeats the movement over and over again, but with no rush, just in the perfect pace. Yoongi’s hands moves to cup Jin’s face, their eyes never detach from each other’s, even when the pace speeds up and the impact makes Yoongi’s body slide up and down on the bed. The younger wraps his arm around Jin’s neck and they keep moving, meeting halfway of each thrust, moaning in unisson, with sweaty hair sticking to their foreheads and eyes becoming glassy from maddening pleasure.
Yet their eyes never detach.
It’s in that moment that Yoongi realizes, Jin is more himself than he is. They’re the same, exactly, they’re one even if they’re two. At this moment, Yoongi doesn’t know what is Jin and what is Yoongi, all he knows is that he understands Jin’s favorite sonnet now, how it echoes in his head as he watches Jin’s beautiful loving eyes staring at him. ‘ I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where’ because yes, he doesn’t know when it started, or from where, or how it happened, he just does.
“I love you”, he moans as Jin thrusts strongly, like it’s slow motion and Yoongi can see it happening before his very eyes the moment when it’s irreversible.
‘ I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way ’ and yes, there is no pride, there is nothing that could’ve kept Yoongi from coming back from the studio and asking Jin to take him even after he was achingly fearful.
“I love you”, Jin breathes back, Yoongi’s nails digging into the flash of Jin’s shoulder as he comes.
‘than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep’
Yoongi’s hand travel to Jin’s naked chest as he moans and breathes and clenches as Jin comes inside.
Jin leans to kiss him, so tender, so loving, so kind. Yoongi loves to be kissed by Jin. He loves to be loved by Jin. Without getting up, without cleaning, without changing, they kiss for the longest time, they stare at each other’s eyes under the blanket for even longer, and then Jin closes his eyes and Yoongi falls asleep.