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“Mom.”
Matsuyo had been standing at the kitchen sink, washing the dishes from dinner, but she peered up at the sound of Choromatsu’s voice. The third-born son stood in the doorway, gaze cast downward, a solemn expression on his face.
“Yes, dear?”
“Can we talk?” he asked, still not lifting his gaze from the linoleum floor.
Matsuyo could tell right away that whatever was eating away at Choromatsu was serious--he’d been quiet and withdrawn the last few days, as if perpetually lost in a state of deep thought, and quite frankly Matsuyo had been concerned but hadn’t known just how to pursue the issue. Choromatsu could be fickle, willing to open up one day and closing everyone off the next when anxiety got the worst of him. She was glad to have him approach her first, for once.
“Of course, dear.” Matusyo shut off the sink and dried her hands on a towel, then motioned for him to sit with her at the table.
Choromatsu sat down silently, wringing his hands. Matsuyo took the seat across from him and folded her hands on the tabletop, watching him patiently and waiting for him to start on his own accord. It was hard, but rushing or forcing him never did much good, so she gave him a minute as he took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“Mom...I’ve been thinking a lot the past few days about something, and I’ve reached a decision about it.”
Matsuyo’s eyebrows peaked high over her glasses. “I see. And what might that be…?”
Choromatsu hedged another minute, twisting his hands around each other pensively...and then he stopped, lacing his fingers together in an attempt to keep them still as he fixed his mother with a level gaze.
“I’ve decided,” he said, in a voice that wavered just slightly, “that I want to go to the NEET Correctional Facility.”
Matsuyo hadn’t known what to expect at first when Choromatsu had said he wanted to talk, but...in all honesty, it didn’t surprise her too much that it had come back to this. Even though the discussion of the NEET Correctional Facility had happened days ago, Choromatsu was the type to stew in something for a long time after the fact if it was monumental enough to him.
Still...the severity of his tone and determination edging his voice did alarm her. Still, she knew better than to express it outright, and instead played it calmly.
“Ah.” Matsuyo nodded slowly in response. “That certainly is a big decision. But, dear, I’m a little confused...when we discussed the matter a few days ago, I had said from the start that I’d never considered sending you there. That’s why I asked for your opinion on which one of your brothers should go. There’s no reason for you to have to go.”
Choromatsu was silent for a long moment, nibbling at his lip as he contemplated his response to that. Finally, he asked, “Mom, about that...why did you ask for my input on that, anyway? Why did my opinion matter to you?”
“Well, to start with, you are my son,” Matsuyo began with a faintly amused smile. “And second, I trust your judgement, Choromatsu. You’re reasonable and dependable, and I knew I could trust you with such an important choice to make. And you’ve always had more ambition than your brothers, which is why it just didn’t make sense to choose you.”
“I thought you’d say something like that.” Choromatsu sighed.
“Why wouldn’t I?” Matusyo wondered. “It’s the truth.”
“But...is it? Is it really? ” Choromatsu asked, doubt creeping into his voice. “What makes me all of those things, exactly--reasonable and ambitious, and all?”
Matsuyo paused thoughtfully, considering her answer. There were a lot of reasons, ones that weren’t so easily voiced, but she wanted to give him a proper response.
“You have a good head on your shoulders, Choromatsu, even if you don’t think you do. Even if you’re quick to lose your temper, you try to be the voice of reason when it comes to your brothers and keep them in line, put them on the right track. You’re aware of what you should be doing, and you’ve always been ambitious, determined to meet your goals and working harder than your brothers have to reach them. You’ve been that way since high school, and I still see that in you now.”
Choromatsu bit his lip, uncertainty clouding his expression. “You really see that in me…?”
“Of course, Choromatsu.” Matsuyo’s voice was clear and no-nonsense. “I would never lie to you about that.”
“But...I don’t see how.” Choromatsu exhaled shakily then. “How you could think all of that is true. I’m not dependable...my brothers hardly ever take me seriously when I try to talk any sense into them, and they only listen to me so they can make fun of me. And I’m not ambitious either...I try to be, but I always fall short. I barely got through high school, no matter how much effort I put in, and I lost the one job I ever had because I couldn’t handle it. I’m just...just a failure.”
Choromatsu lifted his gaze then to meet hers, and Matsuyo could see the glimmer of tears pooling in his eyes. “I’ve never been successful, not the way I always wanted to be. And I’m scared I never will be if I don’t do something drastic. I want to make a change, and do something that might actually give me a chance at moving up. And...I think going to this correctional facility would be just the thing I need to push me in the right direction.”
Matsuyo could only nod slightly as she listened at first, though inside her heart hurt at hearing her son criticize himself so heavily. Choromatsu had always been hard on himself, especially in recent years, but he was never usually this vulnerable about it. It was clear he’d been harboring these negative feelings for quite a long time now.
“So that’s...that’s why I want to go,” Choromatsu concluded quietly, rubbing at his eyes with the back of his sleeve. “I want to change...I wan’t to stop being such a f-failure.” His voice trembled on the last word, and he quickly cut his gaze back down toward the table as he rapidly blinked back more tears.
Now Matsuyo felt her heart breaking at her son’s despondent confession. “Oh, Choromatsu…” She rose from her seat and moved over to his side, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him close. “You are not a failure, please don’t ever call yourself that again.”
“B-but I am,” Choromatsu insisted, sniffling, leaning into the embrace and letting Matsuyo gently run a hand through his hair. “What kind of idiot can’t manage to hold onto the one job they were lucky enough to get…? And it’s not like I even earned it myself, Dad helped me get it...I must’ve really let him down, and everyone else...”
“You did not,” Matsuyo said firmly, still carding her fingers through his hair. “It was just a matter of not being ready for it yet. It happens sometimes, and there’s no shame in that. I’m still proud of you for getting the job in the first place. Your father really didn’t have much influence over that decision either, by the way. He simply let you know a position was available, it was the way you handled yourself in the interview that landed you the job. It may not have stuck, but don’t think that just because that job wasn’t right for you, doesn’t mean there won’t be another job in the future that will be.”
“I probably would’ve found something else by now though, if I hadn’t been such a horrible student back in high school. If I’d gotten better grades maybe I would’ve gotten accepted into the college I wanted and everything would’ve been different…”
“Dwelling on the ‘what-ifs’ is never a good idea, dear,” Matsuyo reminded him. “Not everyone can be a perfect student. You did your best, and besides, how well you did in high school does not define who you are now. You’ve changed so much since then, you’ve grown so much, and even if you might not believe it you are an incredibly smart person.”
Choromatsu didn’t respond to that at first, so Matsuyo seized the opportunity to continue, “Besides that, one of these days the perfect job will come your way, even without a college education...and you know, if you ever truly wanted to, it’s never too late to go back to school. Your father and I would be happy to lend a hand...”
“No, I can’t do that.” Choromatsu shook his head, still leaning against his mother’s side. “That’s way too expensive, you’ve got enough money problems as it is with all of us still living at home. I’d only want to go back if I could pay at least part of it myself.”
“Well, you could think of that as a goal. Maybe you can find some part-time work and save up for a few years. It’s never too late,” Matsuyo replied. “But we can still afford to help you, if that’s what you want to do. And if it’s not, that’s alright too. I’ll support any decision you make...well, with one exception.”
Choromatsu sighed. “I guess I know which one you’re talking about.”
Matsuyo pulled back then, though she kept her hands on Choromatsu’s shoulders as she gazed steadily at him. “I know you’re an adult, and I can’t really stop you if you’re dead-set on going to this correctional facility. But I want you to know that you do not have to, not if you’re only doing it because you feel like it’s your only option. You have so many options, dear, and you can take as much time as you need to make the right decision for you.”
Choromatsu’s eyes were still a little damp as he blinked up at her, and he couldn’t seem to fully find his voice as he asked quietly, “You really aren’t...ashamed of me? It’s not shameful that I’m still a NEET and living with my parents…?”
“I could never be ashamed of you, Choromatsu. Whether you’re a successful salaryman or a NEET, I will love you just the same and will always be proud of you. And frankly, as much as you boys may get under my skin and as much as I’d like for you to get jobs and have families...preferably with grandchildren…” Matsuyo paused in her rambling, then cleared her throat and started over, “...I’m happy to have you all home with me. The house would feel too empty without you. One day it’ll be time for you all to fly the nest, but until that day comes don’t think for even a minute that I don’t love having you here with me.”
Choromatsu brushed away the last of his tears, then gave his mother a small, wobbly smile. “Thank you...I’ll try to remember that from now on. I guess in some ways, I’m not ready to leave here, either.”
“And you don’t have to rush into it, either.” Matsuyo patted his shoulder reassuringly before stepping back. “Now, do you still feel it would be best to go to that facility, dear…?”
“No...no, I don’t.” Choromatsu exhaled slowly, as if letting the idea go. “At least, not right now. But I will keep looking for work, even if I can only get something part-time. And...I’m really going to consider going back to school, too. I know it would be awhile before I can do that, but that’s an option I want to keep in mind.”
Matsuyo nodded, then reached forward to affectionately ruffle Choromatsu’s hair. “I’m glad to hear it, darling,” she said with a soft smile. And she genuinely was, too—she never liked seeing Choromatsu be so hard on himself, even though it was hard for him to control. Being able to talk him through this and see him perk up even a little again when she knew he’d been stressed for so long made her happy.
“Say, would you like to have a cup of tea with me? Just the two of us,” she offered.
“That sounds nice.” Choromatsu rose from his seat. “I’ll get the cups out.”
“Then I’ll make the tea.”
As the two of them set out preparing their tea, they heard loud voices coming from the living room.
“Oso, give me back my phone—!”
“C’mon, Totty, you said I could use it!”
“I very clearly said you could not use it, now get your grubby hands off of it!!”
Choromatsu cut a quick glance toward Matsuyo and raised his eyebrows. “Maybe we should send one or two of them away.”
His serious facade only lasted a few seconds though, and they both shared a good laugh, just a simple moment between mother and son. Matsuyo couldn’t help but reflect briefly on just how much Choromatsu had changed over the years—from a kid constantly getting into trouble with his brothers’ antics, to a bespectacled teen always striving to appease others, to the young man next to her today. A young man with faults who was still trying to become more comfortable with himself, but who she didn’t doubt had a bright future ahead of him. One day he’d have the job of his dreams, and move out, and just maybe start a family of his own. Those days seemed so far ahead, but Matsuyo knew they would pass by before she knew it. And while she would be overjoyed for him, the thought was bittersweet, that things would never be the same again.
Until then, she planned to enjoy what time they had left together, and hold on to this moment as long as she could.