Archive of Our Own ^beta

It was very easy for people to assume that Jackson was stupid.

That, Jackson knew very well. 

He excelled at every sport you could think of. Fencing ? A champion. Basketball ? Star-player. Running ? The fastest. His body was a war-machine, it never failed him and the only fuel it needed was the euphoria that all the tiny things in life sparked in Jackson’s heart.

The smile he’d get from the old lady who walked her dog every morning when Jackson left for school, the heat of the coffee cup warming his hands as he skipped to class, the way the bell would perfectly synchronise with the last beat of the song in his earphones, the buzzing of the lights of the auditorium that softly pulled him to full consciousness as the professor started to philosophise about musical minimalism… There was always a sound, a sight, a feeling, that Jackson would be looking for at any moment, like a breech in the matrix, a slight lift of the veil that concealed the true, impenetrable beauty of life. 

Okay maybe Jackson was also very dramatic. The most dramatic, some would say.

But that didn’t make it any less true, Jackson loved life. He loved living. He had sworn to enjoy to the fullest every second he got to breathe, he would cross every single item on his bucket list and he would never say no to an opportunity to make great memories.

And that made him stupid.

Yes. The only people who are truly happy are either ignorant or simply do not care about the world around them. Stupid or selfish. And no one could call Jackson selfish, so they had to fall back on the only other option.

(Jackson was not truly happy, though, but he couldn’t tell people that. They would laugh and call him an attention-seeker, right ? The same way people would sneer at a straight-A student stressing out over an exam they probably aced anyway).

Jackson had learned to just giggle when people made fun of him. He was a ball of jokes and energy, but he was forced to admit that it was eating at him. As soon as the door of his dorm room closed behind him at the end of the day, the smile fell and a cloud of doubt would wrap around Jackson like a blanket. Were they right ? Was he stupid ? Was he wrong?

Jackson would throw himself into homework, into practice, into coffee, to drown the thoughts before they could crack through his last barrier, his love of live.

It worked well most days. His friends saw him run around, double-over with laughter, rant about the benefits of organic bananas… Just a normal Jackson day.

And then, came the trial he dreaded the most : the cafeteria.

There was something about walking through a crowd of eyes he could not read that made Jackson’s stomach churn. His friends didn’t always have lunch breaks at the same time as him, and looking for them, alone in the crowd, made him want to throw up.

On lucky days, he got to sit with Bambam and Yugyeom. The two younger students did not care if Jackson was selfish or stupid, happy or crazy, right or wrong. They might even be worse than him on that front. So Jackson never felt scrutinised, he could even forget for one meal about the blanket of clouds tightening its noose around his brain.

On days when the universe wasn’t feeling neither generous nor cruel, he got to sit with Jaebom and Mark. Jaebom shared many classes with Jackson, he always let him stick around without showing signs of annoyance. Or maybe it was because he didn’t show signs of anything. So did Mark. They let Jackson blabber on and on without giving any reactions other than the occasional hum, their phones often the center of their attention. Jackson would tell himself, they’re just introverted, but the blanket would hold him tighter, whispering : or maybe you’re just white noise to help them fall asleep. And Jackson would summon all of his strength to make sure here didn’t believe it.

And then, there were the days Jackson truly had a hard time finding the impenetrable beauty of life.

Those days, Jinyoung would be sitting at lunch with them.

Jinyoung was friends with both Jaebom and Mark, and by association Jackson had been pulled in some of their get-togethers.

Jinyoung, Jackson was sure, hated him.

He saw it in the way he would roll his eyes every time Jackson started talking. He saw it in the sneer he let out when Jackson got pranked especially harshly by one of his friends. He saw it in the way he’d leave the library as soon as Jackson sat across from him, saying he had errands to run. But worst of all, he saw it in the way Jinyoung would never meet his eyes, and would never talk to him, just whisper to Jaebom or Mark so he wouldn’t hear.

Jackson knew Jinyoung was one of those people who thought he was stupid, but who also didn’t seem to think his stupidity was entertaining.

Being in the same place as him, made Jackson sick. And maybe that was why, when the blanket was so close to crack through his optimism, it spoke with Jinyoung’s voice…

Or maybe he was just becoming paranoid.

Today, however, fate seemed to have decided to play its cruelest joke on him to date. Bambam had texted him earlier that he was eating outside of campus with a friend who was visiting from abroad. Jaebom and Mark hadn’t answered his messages. So there Jackson stood, in the cafeteria, a few feet away from where Jinyoung was sitting, alone, reading a book. 

Would it be weird to turn around now and make a run for the door ? Would Jinyoung take it personally, or would he just be relieved he didn’t have to reject Jackson ? Wait, did Jinyoung have a choice ? Would Jackson ask "Can I sit here ?" and would Jinyoung laugh and ask if he’s serious ? 

Jackson took a deep breath. It was still quite early. Maybe Jaebom and Mark had to grab something before coming to the cafeteria, they would join them soon. Jackson would not be alone with Jinyoung.

"Hey." Jackson greeted, flopping down in front of Jinyoung and diving straight into his food

Jinyoung just hummed, not looking up from his book.

"Wow, how can you eat and read at the same time ?" Jackson marvelled. "I make a mess every time I try to multitask."

Jackson quickly shut up when he saw Jinyoung pursing his lips. He was probably getting annoyed by the sound of Jackson’s voice. Jackson’s tone was quite shrill, that was true. Maybe he could try to speak with a deeper tone ? Maybe whisper ? 

"Sorry." Jackson blurted out before he could help himself, too ashamed to look at Jinyoung in the eyes

Jinyoung’s head snapped up, eyes wide and confused. He did not say anything though. They just kept eating in silence.

Mark and Jaebom didn’t seem to be coming to join them anytime soon. Jackson tossed his noodles nervously. Somehow, Jinyoung not speaking made him more anxious than Jinyoung just being there. Maybe his doubts were right, Jackson’s incessant talking was white noise, but to make himself relax, not others.

"Are you reading that for school ?" Jackson asked, pointing at the book

Jinyoung looked up, as if he wasn’t expecting to be talked to.

"Oh ?" he said after a beat. "No, I just picked it up from the library."

Jackson nodded. That didn’t go so bad…

"What’s it about?"

He was pushing his luck. Jinyoung was eyeing him as if he found Jackson’s questioning suspicious.

Jackson didn’t insist. He wasn’t really feeling like getting hurt today. Or any day to be honest.

He went to basketball practice that same afternoon, switched off his phone and his thoughts of Jinyoung to put all of his energy into the sport.

It helped. It was a welcome break, a window of time where the only thing that mattered was his body, his strength, his stamina, and not the turmoil in his brain.

When he got back to the changing room, all the tension from earlier having evacuated with the sweat and the exercise, Jackson saw he had a text from Mark :

Hey Jackson, we’re going to that new ice cream place near campus Youngjae wanted to try. Meet us there at seven ?

He looked up at the giant clock overlooking the court.

Seven fifteen. Shit.

Jackson ran out of the gymnasium, barely bothering to put his coat on properly. He regretted it as soon as the cold air hit him. Who goes for ice cream in December ?

The ice cream place was easy to find thankfully, it was the only shop in the area with bright pink outdoors decorations. Jackson sighed with contentment at the heat that welcomed him when he pushed the door open. The cute chime of the metal pieces jingling every time someone came in made him smile. He liked this place already. It smelled like gingerbread, no place that smelled like gingerbread could be bad, right ?

Jackson spotted his friends sitting at one of the big round yellow tables at the back of the room. Mark and Youngjae were there of course, and then there was Jaebom. Oh. And Jinyoung. Fantastic.

Jackson took a deep breath. He could do it. It wouldn’t get to him. He had to show them it didn’t affect him.

"Hi !" the young woman at the counter greeted him. "What would you like to order ?"

Jackson gave her a blinding smile. 

"It’s my first time. What’s the best item on your menu ?"

"Do you like surprises ?"

"Usually, yeah."

"Okay, go find a seat and I’ll bring you something I think you’ll like."

Jackson let out an excited laugh and turned around to find his friends. They had left a seat for him next to Mark, the furthest away from Jinyoung, which Jackson was thankful for even though they probably didn’t plan it.

"How do you still have so much energy at this hour ?" Jaebom groaned. "Especially after chasing a ball for two hours."

Jackson laughed loudly. He didn’t miss the way Jinyoung suddenly looked much less relaxed now that Jackson had joined them.

"That’s where you’re mistaken, JB." Jackson joked. "Chasing a ball doesn’t make you tired, it sends so much adrenaline to your brain, you-"

"Okay, okay !" Youngjae burst out laughing at Jackson’s face, which was probably exaggeratedly expressive

The waitress brought Jackson’s ice cream right at that moment. It was magnificent, with a huge mountain of whipped cream and Christmas candy sprinkled on top. Jackson gaped at it, and she smiled, satisfied.

"Enjoy."

Jackson didn’t have to be told twice. It was gingerbread-flavoured ice cream. This was heaven on earth.

"You’ve been there for two minutes and the staff is already in love with you…" Jaebom remarked, his gaze following the waitress walking back to the counter —who Jackson didn’t know, was sending him furtive glances 

Jinyoung rolled his eyes and looked away. But Jackson didn’t pay it any attention, the ice cream was way too good oh my God ! He was relishing the cold bite that made his brain shiver, chasing away the blanket of doubt before it could try to fold around his thoughts.

"What are you doing your presentation on for Mrs Liu ?" Jaebom suddenly asked him

Jackson froze, and not because of the ice cream. He knew what JB was referring to. He hadn’t found a topic yet, but he couldn’t admit that in front of Jinyoung, right ? I mean, they were only given the assignment that morning and between all the classes and practices, Jackson hadn’t had a second to think about it.

"What class is that ?" asked Youngjae

"Music and Psychology." Jaebom answered. "Mrs Liu gave us a presentation to prepare for next week, as if we didn’t have to study for mid-terms already…"

While his friends debated how interesting or hard their class sounded, Jackson let his gaze wander around. He had to find an idea, he couldn’t let them think he was an idiot.

He saw a little girl at the counter with her mom, jumping excitedly at all the flavours she could choose from. Jackson smiled. So cute. The girl was wearing a bright blue backpack with the faces of Anna and Elsa from Frozen fiercely looking towards him. Jackson was reminded of his own Mushu and Flounder plushies he loved and couldn’t sleep without as a kid. Funny how, even though he grew up in China, he understood exactly what this child in Korea loved so much in those characters.

And suddenly, the proverbial light bulb tilted in Jackson’s head.

He turned around abruptly, ready to tell them about his brilliant idea for the presentation, but froze when he met Jinyoung’s eyes. Jinyoung would make fun of him. He would laugh, think Jackson is so childish. Just thinking about the names the younger could call him behind his back, Jackson felt the shame creep to his neck and cheeks.

"What ?" Mark pressed him, having obviously caught that Jackson was going to speak, he couldn’t hide it, he was always too expressive

"Nothing…" Jackson sighed. "It’s stupid."

Jackson swore he heard Jinyoung scoff. He didn’t turn around to check though. 

In the end, he didn’t tell them his idea and they forgot to insist. Maybe they weren’t that interested in the first place… They just ate their ice cream, talking about their plans for the holidays break. Jackson barely took part to the conversation, though. He didn’t really want to face the fact that he couldn’t go back to his family this time, the price of plane tickets to Hong-Kong had skyrocketed in the past year. 

So Jackson, in his usual dramatic fashion, pushed the sad thoughts away and dived into his work, his sports, keeping the blanket of doubt at a safe distance. He couldn’t really afford to break before mid-terms.

Surprisingly, he found a lot of joy in the research for his Music and Psychology presentation. He had decided to make it about how Disney songs connected the childhoods and developments of people all across the world despite language barriers. And he had to admit, it was so fun to work on. Good one, Jackson.

He was working at the university’s library computers, completely in his own little bubble, when someone sat down next to him. From how silent his steps were, how gracefully he plopped down on his chair, and from the elegant scent of his cologne, Jackson knew it was Jinyoung. And he panicked.

Would it be suspicious if he suddenly closed all the thirteen tabs spread out on his screen, displaying Disney song lyrics in various languages and internet translators searches ? Yes, yes it would. So he gulped, breathed out through his nose, and kept working as if he hadn’t noticed Jinyoung, as if his insides weren’t dying.

"Is that Mandarin ?"

Of course Jinyoung would be looking at his screen. That little shit. Indeed, the tab open in the smack middle of the screen was the lyric page of Part of Your World in Mandarin. But Jackson couldn’t say that, right ? Jinyoung would make fun of him for the rest of his life : you pay tuition to study Disney songs, what are you, five ?

"Uuuuuh…" he very eloquently stuttered. "Y-yeah it’s the old Chinese National Anthem."

Jinyoung’s brows furrowed.

"Is that for your psychology presentation ?"

Jackson was sweating now. He was ready to beg to be buried six feet underground if that meant not having to have this conversation. So he nodded and pretended to write down on his notebook. 

"What are you doing it on ?"

Of course. Jinyoung would not let go of an opportunity to torture him, would he ? He was probably looking for the flaw in Jackson’s plan.

"Erm." Jackson cleared his throat, buying time to think. "You know, I thought… We all have national anthems, right ? And… they’re supposed to define who we are as, you know, a society within a country, right ?"

Please kill me, Jackson thought. Jinyoung wasn’t saying anything, he was probably baffled at Jackson’s inanity.

"So I just thought, why not do something on what national anthems can tell us about the, you know, spirit, kinda, of the people of certain countries. It doesn’t make sense, I’m sorry."

"No it makes sense."

How merciful, Jackson wanted to laugh. Because that was the worst thing about all of this, despite Jinyoung’s constant coldness towards him, there was nothing bad to say about the guy. He was polite, he had good grades, he made friends easily, teachers adored him, he stopped to pet puppies in the streets, he shat rainbows and unicorns. Which made Jackson even more desperate to understand why he hated him for some reason.

"So what do you have on me ?"

That made Jackson snap his head towards Jinyoung. What ? Jinyoung had a blank face, that didn’t betray any intention to prank him, but Jackson couldn’t be sure.

Jinyoung must have caught how confused Jackson seemed, because he clarified.

"What does the Korean anthem say about me ?"

Jackson was screwed. He was working on Disney songs, for fuck’s sake, he couldn’t prepare a presentation theory on something else entirely in two seconds ? He didn’t think Jinyoung would actually ask. He could just retreat and say he hadn’t reached Korea yet, but then Jinyoung would think it’s weird since it’s the country they live in, it makes sense to start there. Jackson could say he was going in alphabetical order, so China came before Korea, but then why was there a tab open that was, very obviously, in Spanish ?

"Well." Jackson breathed out. You can do this. "I haven’t gone in depth yet about the psychological analysis, I’m working on a way to categorise every anthem, you know ? Like, what are they about, what’s the context of writing, what type of instrumental they usually use, all that, you know ?"

Jinyoung’s face didn’t show any reaction. He’s not buying it, Jackson thought, he thinks I’m going to fail miserably.

At least it sounded smarter, more mature, than admitting he was analysing Disney songs, right ?

Well…

Jackson had counted on the fact that Jinyoung would forget about their conversation and that he would never have to think about national anthems again as they weren’t in the same class. However, Jackson had stupidly forgotten about his biggest liability : Jaebeom.

Not that Jaebeom was a hindrance in his life in general, no, but since they shared the class and he was friends with Jinyoung, Jackson should have anticipated what his friend asked him a few days before the essay deadline.

"Oh, by the way, Jinyoung told me what you’re doing the essay on, sounds cool ! What are you getting at ?"

It took Jackson a few seconds to remember his conversation with Jinyoung, as it had been a couple days ago. 

"Well, uh…"

Jackson could tell Jaebom the truth, right? He was probably going to ask to read it before the due date anyway. But if Jinyoung had told Jaebeom about it, then did that mean that Jaebom would tell Jinyoung if Jackson admitted to lying ? 

"Honestly…" Jackson sighed dramatically. "I think the only conclusion we can draw is that music is truly a universal language."

Jaebeom laughed. Jackson wasn’t lying, that was an argument in his actual essay, but his friend didn’t need to know that.

In the end, things turned out better than Jackson had expected. 

The due date for the essay came and JB never asked to read Jackson’s, as he got so caught up in his music projets and mid-term assignments that he ended up writing his own essay the night before the deadline. 

Jackson also got too busy, studying for mid-terms, to think about Jinyoung again.

The holidays came and, one after the other, his friends left campus to go back to their families. Jackson crashed at his friend Eric’s place to avoid wallowing in his doubts, alone at the dorm. He spent his days catching up on some work, jogging, taking walks around Seoul in the cold air to distract his brain. It was all good, Jackson thought. He was alright. The way the snow was so satisfyingly smooth in the morning, before anyone had stepped in it, the Christmas chocolates melting under his tongue, the soft chime of the ice cream place he went back to regularly just to get wrapped in the smell of gingerbread… 

The veil was lifting again for him.

A few days before New Year's Eve, Jackson went out to buy groceries. That was part of the agreement to stay with Eric, he had to participate to chores and expenses. 

Eric had made plans for New Years with some of his friends Jackson didn’t know, and he had invited him. Jackson had said yes, but was a bit on edge, Eric’s friends were all quite older than Jackson, they worked, some were even married. What would they think of silly little Jackson ?

Jackson picked up some eggs, then moved to the vegetables display. The colourful carts, adorned with Christmas garlands, put a smile on his face. Now what would he get ? He felt like something leafy, cabbage, maybe, or spinach ?

A familiar voice he was not expecting to hear drew him out of his internal food monologue.

"Jackson ?"

Jackson flipped around. His blood ran cold. Jinyoung was there, staring at him with furrowed brows. He looked almost adorable, in his oversized sweater, face hidden behind a huge checkered scarf, his hair fluffy. Jackson would have smiled if he hadn’t remembered what he looked like himself. He was wearing basketball shorts with a neon pink hoodie and a stupid snapback with a cartoon puppy on it he had stolen from Eric. 

"Jinyoung !" Jackson greeted cheerfully, almost throwing away his groceries basket when he abruptly raised his arms. "Happy New Year !"

Jinyoung came closer, still inspecting him suspiciously.

"Weren’t you in Hong Kong ?"

Jackson’s face fell. Oh. Right. He hadn’t told any of them.

"Something came up." he lied. "Got stuck here. Anyway, what are you doing here, aren’t you from Busan ?"

"Jinhae. Erm yeah, I…"

He looked away from Jackson, who guessed it was because he didn’t really want to share his reasons with him.

"I came back early." he simply shrugged

Jackson didn’t insist. All he wanted was to survive the exchange with his self-esteem intact, Jinyoung not really being too keen on talking to him wasn’t news.

"Wanna grab something to drink ?" Jackson blurted out before he could think it through

Jackson… Do you have a death wish ? He sighed internally.

Jinyoung made a face at Jackson’s grocery basket.

"Aren’t you busy ?"

"Not if you aren’t."

Jinyoung’s face was unreadable, but Jackson didn’t let his body show how hard he was bracing for the hit.

"Alright. Want some help with that ?"

Jackson’s jaw dropped. The singer on the store’s radio started belting a tear-wrenching ballad, a warm smell surrounded them when an employee passed by with a tray of fresh cakes for the bakery aisle. Jackson smiled. 

"Cabbage or spinach ?" he asked

Jinyoung snorted. 

"Do you say that to everyone you meet ?"

Jackson giggled.

Jinyoung wasn’t a bad groceries shopping companion. Jackson had expected him to eye scornfully every single item Jackson would put in his basket, but he didn’t. He almost didn’t speak actually. Jackson wasn’t sure whether that was a good thing or not.

"Are you doing something for New Years ?" Jackson asked when they sat down to drink some hot chocolate

Jinyoung blew softly on his steaming drink.

"Some friends said I could come to their party if I wanted to." he answered 

Jackson was surprised to hear him sound so grim. 

"Me too." he supplied. "I mean, they’re not my friends, they’re like… the friends of my friend. I don’t know any of them."

The corners of Jinyoung’s lips lifted ever so slightly.

"Are you that lonely ?" he said, his tone sarcastic but not biting

"Yeah that’s the down-side of only making old people fall in love with me."

Jinyoung barked out at that. Something warm crept up in Jackson’s chest. He couldn’t help but smile so wide his cheeks started to hurt. 

"What about your friends ?" Jackson asked, not wanting to let the silence linger too long. "Are they from school ?"

"Yeah, they’re from one of my classes."

"Are they fun ?"

Jinyoung scoffed. Jackson thought he was going to tell him to fuck off.

"As fun as it gets when a party turns into who drink themselves to death the fastest."

Jackson understood that. He wasn’t close to Jinyoung, but he had noticed he wasn’t one for excessive drinking, and that he liked parties where people could still enjoy conversations with each other without having to make a run for the bathroom to puke their guts out.

"You know what we’d do, me and my parents, for New Years, when I was a kid ?" he said softly

Jackson’s gaze got lost in the air between him and Jinyoung, a fond smile taking over his lips. 

"There was this bakery next to where my dad worked… My mom would pick us up and we’d meet my dad there. He’d buy us these huge gingerbread cookies, you know, like in the movies ? There were so big, and they were so good, I miss those cookies."

He laughed at the memory. 

"Then we’d walk all the way to Victoria Harbour. There’s like… thirty thousand tourists there, to watch the fireworks, but if you find a nice spot, it’s so worth it. We’d sit in a circle and we’d play games, my mom really liked that game where you start a story and then everyone has to add a sentence until someone forgets one of the lines and loses, you know ? And then at midnight, they throw the fireworks and they’re so beautiful, you have to see them one day I swear. Then we’d go home, and my Dad would just sing out loud in the middle of the street. So yeah that was our New Year's Eve tradition."

Jackson didn’t know why he felt so sad now after telling his story, it was a happy memory. Jinyoung sipped his hot chocolate in silence. There it was again… the silence.

"’m sorry…" Jackson mumbled. "It’s lame."

"It’s not."

Jackson didn’t know what to say. He was suddenly regretting suggesting this whole thing, he should just have bought his cabbage and headed straight to Eric’s. Even having made Jinyoung almost laugh did not seem so worth it now.

"They have a fireworks show on the skyline here too." Jinyoung said. "Don’t know if it’s as pretty as Hong Kong’s but you could go, you know, if you miss it."

Jackson eyed him. For some reason, Jinyoung’s tone didn’t sound hostile but the words themselves made Jackson on edge. Was it mocking ? Did he mean Jackson didn’t have to be a baby about it, there’s fireworks in every city for god’s sake ?

So Jackson gave the only natural answer to that situation.

"Wanna ditch our friends and go ?"

Dammit, Jackson.

So that’s how Jackson found himself on New Year's eve, running in the freezing streets of Seoul towards the river. To his surprise, Jinyoung had said yes to his plan. Jackson remembered the younger boy had smiled, but there had been no spark in his eyes, the way there was when he smiled at Mark or JB. But Jackson wasn’t going to complain. Maybe the universe wasn’t playing a prank on him after all, but giving him a chance ?

Jinyoung was already waiting for him. Sometimes Jackson thought it wasn’t fair how good the guy looked with just a blank face, looking in the distance.

"You’re late." Jinyoung greeted

"I’m sorry." Jackson huffed out, out of breath from running. He pulled his backpack on his stomach and opened it, taking two perfectly-wrapped, dog-shaped gingerbread cookies. "I had to look all around Songpa to find these."

Jinyoung’s mouth fell open. He grabbed his cookie and began unwrapping it swiftly. Jackson looked around them. There were next to a park in front of Lotte Tower, and it seemed that the entire population of South Korea had gathered in that same spot.

"Holy cow, that’s a lot of people." Jackson blurted out

"I found a good spot." Jinyoung said with his mouth full with his first bite of gingerbread 

And that he had, Jackson had to admit. He brought to an area in the park that was somehow less crowded, where they could sit and still see the tower very well.

"You’re a genius, Park Jinyoung."

Jinyoung almost laughed at that, but his mouth was too full. They sat down. The ground was freezing, Jackson let out a yelp when his butt touched the icy floor.

They didn’t look at each other as they ate their cookies. Jackson’s brain was reeling, desperately trying to find a conversation starter that seemed casual enough without sounding silly or childish. They didn’t really share a word until, suddenly, people started yelling the countdown.

Jackson stood up, electrified, all of his other thoughts forgotten, and joined them. Three… Two… One…

It was spectacular. Jackson thought he might as well have stars in his eyes. Fireworks of all shapes and colours burst through the dark sky like flowers blooming in the night. There was red, yellow, green, blue, pink, gold… Jackson felt his head spinning. The pops of the powder exploding were so loud he could feel them in his chest, in his lungs, as if his own heart wanted to burst out into the sky. Jackson knew deep in his bones he was living one of these moments he would never forget, he was making one of those memories that remain deeply engraved in your heart.

"So, how do our fireworks compare to yours in Hong-Kong ?" Jinyoung asked when they began walking though Gangnam, an hour later

"You can’t compare !" Jackson wailed. "Fireworks are always pretty, they’re different every year. Did you like them ?"

Jinyoung kicked the air with his foot, looking absentmindedly at his shoes.

"Yeah, it was pretty."

Jackson’s phone dinged. He took it out to see his parents had sent him a picture of the fireworks in Hong-Kong. It was sent an hour ago probably but the service was so crammed at this time, when an entire slice of the world was sending each other wishes at the same time.

Jackson smiled at the happy faces of his parents looking back at him. The picture was dark and blurry but he couldn’t care less. His eyes started burning, welling up with tears that dried immediately as they met the freezing air.

Jinyoung was eyeing him from the side, Jackson could feel his gaze on his face. Jackson didn’t want to imagine what he was thinking in that moment, seeing him cry. He missed his parents, he couldn’t pretend otherwise just because he didn’t want Jinyoung to call him stupid. He probably did already anyway.

"This was probably the best New Years eve I had in a while, I have to say." Jinyoung said unexpectedly

Jackson tore his eyes away from his parents smiling on his screen to stare at him in disbelief.

"Beats a piss drunk contest ?"

Jinyoung almost let out a chuckle behind his closed lips.

"Even beats the plans in Jinhae, honestly."

Jackson frowned. He put his phone back in his pocket to turn all of his attention towards Jinyoung, hoping the younger would take it as an invitation to continue if he felt like sharing with Jackson.

"I…" Jinyoung sighed. "There’s always a lot of guests for New Year's at my parents house. My whole family basically. And… It’s not really something I enjoy, let’s say."

Without really thinking, Jackson locked his arm around Jinyoung’s, bringing their shoulders together. He felt the younger tense up, but hoped it was because he wasn’t expecting the sudden gesture.

"It’s okay." he said instead. "Not all families are enjoyable, there’s nothing wrong with saying it."

Jinyoung let out a breath that almost sounded like a whine.

"It’s not that I can’t say it… I say it all the time, it’s just… I know my parents understand, but I can see they’re disappointed. They let me run away this year, but I know they’re gonna find an excuse to explain why I’m not here. Like that I couldn’t come because I’m working to get my degree and be a successful businessman, and not because I can’t breathe when I’m surrounded by all of them looking at me."

Jackson nodded. He knew that feeling well. What he wasn’t going to add was that it was Jinyoung that made him feel that way a lot of the time.

"It’s okay…" Jackson breathed out. "We don’t have to put up with the things that hurt us."

Jinyoung snorted.

"Even your own family ?"

"Especially your own family. Seriously, no one has better aim for painful spots than the people who have the same blood as you."

Jinyoung finally looked at Jackson. There was an amused spark in his eyes, Jackson thought he probably found Jackson’s words obvious and flat.

"Wait." he blurted out before Jinyoung could confirm it. "Business ? Aren’t you a drama student ?"

Jinyoung made an exaggerated face, like he wanted to tear his eyeballs out just at the thought of having that conversation with his family.

"That’s exactly my problem."

Jackson burst out laughing. He felt Jinyoung’s shoulder shake against his own, and he knew that even if he didn’t hear it, Jinyoung was laughing a little bit too.

Jackson counted it at as victory.

But Jackson knew victories didn’t last. He had won enough championships to know that you barely have time to savour the trophy you just got before you have to fight for it again.

School started again, Jackson’s friends came back and the usual routine was back too. Wake up, buy coffee, go to school, dread the cafeteria, practice after class, study until you have to sleep. Jackson shouldn’t have expected something to change. Maybe it was his stubborn optimism, maybe people were right, he was stupid.

Indeed, nothing changed between Jackson and Jinyoung when school started again. The younger was still hell-bent on appearing as cold as the air outside whenever Jackson was sitting with them at lunch or at the library. He didn’t look at him, he didn’t laugh at his jokes, he shifted uncomfortably away from him if Jackson sat too close. Maybe Jackson had caught a fever and hallucinated the whole New Year’s night as he laid on Eric’s couch.

The blanket of doubt that had given Jackson a break for a few days was now comfortably creeping back around his brain.

The reason Jackson hadn’t given in yet to the voice trying to persuade him of how stupid he truly was, were his grades. Jackson found out he had done pretty good on his mid-terms, and when Mrs Liu gave them back their Music and Psychology essays, she flashed him a small smile that he knew meant his had been her favourite of the class.

Jackson quickly hid the essay from Jaebeom before he could ask to read it. He even told his friend he had gotten a B minus, instead of the proud A that stood on top of the first page, just to make sure he wouldn’t insist. Why ? Jackson felt heat creeping on his cheeks just thinking about it. Just so Jaebeom wouldn’t tell Jinyoung. 

"Seriously ?" Bambam howled with laughter over his lunch when Jackson finally broke and needed someone to confess to. "That’s a lot of effort for something that ridiculous."

"But what if he makes fun of me, Bam ?" Jackson whined

"You got an A, dude ! What would he make fun of you for ?"

Jackson had an answer to that but had a feeling Bambam wouldn’t understand it.

"Seriously, Jack, if I had an A I’d be screaming it all around campus."

Jackson thought about it. Did he truly have a reason to hide from JB and Jinyoung ? How much did it really matter if they thought low of him or not ? Wasn’t he giving them too much power over his own self-esteem, his own happiness ?

"Hey, Jack…" Bambam said softly, probably noticing Jackson’s anxious frown. "You’re great, seriously. If those guys don’t see it, it’s their loss, man. Just stick to people who see you for what you are."

Jackson broke into a smile. Bambam held out his fist for him to bump. Jackson felt warmth filling his entire body, running in his veins. 

"I’m lucky to have you, Bammie." Jackson said truthfully

Soon, however, Jackson didn’t have time to think about essays or Jinyoung anymore. Every single thought in his brain, every single second he was breathing was wholly devoted to the looming basketball match against a team from Daejeon. Even lunch wasn’t such a problem anymore, cause Jackson would only sit with his friends for five minutes, swallow his meal as quick as possible, then run out to get an extra jog or workout for the day. 

"I have to study after practice, lunch time is the only break I have" was his excuse every time his friends would ask if he wasn’t pushing himself too much.

You see, Jackson’s team had only narrowly won against Daejon last year —and again, only because Jackson had broken the tie when he scored barely one second before the buzzer rang. They couldn’t afford to slack off.

He was in the changing rooms, right before practice, when he got a text from Mark.

Movie tonight with everyone ? 

Jackson quickly typed his response then turned off the phone and ran out on the court.

Sorry man, got extra practice, I’ll be beat, have fun

Jackson lost himself in the game and forgot about Mark’s text. One of his teammates, Yoongi, passed him the ball at some point, and Jackson dribbled towards the wall of players who blocked the way to the basket. Jackson wasn’t shy to admit he was one of the fastest and most agile players in the team. He dodged an attempt to steal the ball from him and twirled around to slip through the wall. His opponents were sticking very close to him, Jackson could feel them breathing next to his ears. But nonetheless, he jumped and threw. 

The ball went in. Jackson’s teammates cheered loudly. His opponents, who were still members of his team in the end, high fived him. Jackson couldn’t contain his grin.

He wandered off to the side of the court to grab his water bottle before the game resumed. That’s when he noticed some familiar people sitting all the way at the top of the stands. It wasn’t unusual, their practices were open to students who wanted to watch. They never discussed strategy on the court, always only in the changing rooms, with the doors closed.

Their audiences were usually small but there were always a few people at each practice, whoever was dating one of the players most often. So it shouldn’t have surprised him to find Mark, Youngjae, JB and Jinyoung watching them.

Still, Jackson froze. 

They never came. Practice was pretty much the only place where he never had to worry about what people thought of him, because no one was ever watching him. Of course, they came to his games, but practice was different. They made mistakes at practice, they repeated the same moves until they got them right, that was the whole point. You were allowed to fail at practice. And Jackson did, often, but no one was ever there to see it.

Not this time.

Jackson felt dread wash over him. His muscles suddenly tensed up and his brain started free-wheeling. Would they laugh at him ? Was that why they sat down so far, so he wouldn’t see them point out his mistakes ? Like his most loyal friend, the blanket of doubt was back, to wrap him into its familiar chokehold.

"Yo, Jackson, let’s go again !" his captain called and Jackson had to walk back on the court, his steps careful as if someone could criticise the way he walked

Needless to say, Jackson’s grin didn’t make a single appearance for the rest of the practice game. He still dribbled and passed, and ran, and threw. He scored a few more goals and earned a few more high-fives and pats on the back. But it wasn’t enough. Jackson’s brain was saturated with notes on every thing he could have done better : if only he had put his foot a little more to the left for that throw, if only he had aimed a little higher when he did that pass…

"Weren’t you going to see a movie ?" Jackson asked his friends up on the stands when the coach rang the end of practice

He was wiping the abundant sweat off his face with a towel. What a handsome sight he must make, he thought bitterly.

"I texted you, we decided to come watch you instead." Mark replied with a shrug

"Sorry, it probably wasn’t as entertaining as Avengers…" Jackson sighed dramatically

He noticed Jinyoung wasn’t looking at him. He didn’t laugh at Jackson’s joke either, unlike the other three who gave a small chuckle.

Jackson frowned. He was used to Jinyoung ignoring him, but there was something weird this time. The younger was nervously picking at his nails, his eyes were restless, purposely avoiding Jackson’s general presence. 

"I’m gonna go change." Jackson mumbled, not wanting to linger on the thought of Jinyoung’s attitude could mean, out of fear it would end his reserves of self-esteem for the day

"Let’s grab ice cream after !" Youngjae said, his eyes lighting up with excitement 

Jackson hesitated. Youngjae made a pleading face at him.

"Come oooooon Jack ! We haven't hung out all together in so long ! Please, please ?"

Maybe Jackson was weak, maybe he felt guilty, maybe he missed the ice cream place, maybe Youngjae was really convincing, maybe Jackson actually needed a break, but he gave in and said yes. 

His friends waited for him to take a shower and get changed, then they all walked to the ice cream place. Jinyoung was silent, Jackson would have been too if it hadn’t been for Youngjae and Mark enthusiastically commenting every move he had made during the practice. Jackson felt a blush warm up his cheeks. 

Jinyoung kept quiet also while they were chatting around ice cream, and it was making Jackson grow anxious. He couldn’t stay still on his chair, to the point where JB had to tell him to relax.

Sure, Jinyoung never spoke much when Jackson was around, but it was bothering him more than before. Maybe he really had taken their New Year’s night too close to heart, when it obviously hadn’t meant anything to Jinyoung. Again, stupid Jackson.

When they got out of the ice cream place to walk back to campus, Jackson and Jinyoung got left a little behind the other three, who were singing their lungs out a pop song that had played on the radio earlier. Jackson laughed at them, Jinyoung was still silent.

"Sorry I ruined movie night." Jackson said to break the ice

"It’s okay. It was interesting." Jinyoung said, muffled by his big checkered scarf that covered half his face

Jackson pushed away the thoughts of what interesting meant. An insidious voice suddenly crept up to him.

"Shit, maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that ice cream." he muttered out loud. "Sugar is not good before a game."

Jinyoung looked at him with wide eyes, as if Jackson had grown a nose on his forehead. He gave him a strong push on the shoulder.

"Ow !" Jackson whined. "What was that for ?"

"You seriously think one ice cream is gonna affect your playing ?" Jinyoung scoffed

"I know, it’s not that great to begin with, right ?"

Jinyoung shook his head in exasperation.

"Jackson, shut up."

"Isn’t that what everyone wants…" Jackson mumbled to himself

He was sure he had spoken too quietly for anyone else to hear him. The fact that Jinyoung was suddenly staring at him had nothing to do with that. The younger was scanning every inch of his face and that was probably the most dreadful thing Jackson had ever experienced, even more stressful than mid-terms, or scarier than getting an x-ray after you hurt your ankle the day before a game.

But Jinyoung kept quiet for a while. They had almost reached the dorms when he spoke again, nudging Jackson’s shoulder to get his attention.

"It was more entertaining than Avengers."

Jackson snorted.

"You just enjoy laughing at my misery."

Jinyoung shook his head and covered his mouth with his hands.

"But I’m more handsome than Chris Evans, let’s be real." Jackson joked pulling his best underwear model pose

Jinyoung burst out laughing at that, not even bothering to cover his mouth. Jackson’s heart swelled and he found himself grinning like an idiot.

"You give yourself too much credit, Jackson Wang."

The day of the game was approaching rapidly. This time, though, Jackson was distracted. He couldn’t get his conversation with Jinyoung out of his head and it was becoming a problem. This game of hot and cold was not one Jackson knew the rules of.

"If you had to think of a reason why someone could conceivably hate me, what would you say ?" Jackson asked Bambam and Yugyeom during their study break the day before the game

They both looked at him in confusion.

"Is that still about that guy ?" Bambam guessed. "Didn’t we agree that he wasn’t worth overthinking about ?"

"I know…" Jackson whined. "But it’s driving me insane."

"Just ask him, hyung." Yugyeom said, somehow the voice of reason in their trio. "Then you’ll know where he stands."

Jackson couldn’t do that, could he ? He wasn’t ready for what Jinyoung was inevitably going to tell him. He already knew the younger thought Jackson was a child who cried when he couldn’t see fireworks, that his basketball skills were ridiculous and that he wasn’t that handsome. Did he really want to open the door to get the last shreds of his self-esteem torn beyond repair ? No. Not really, no.

So Jackson didn’t speak to Jinyoung. 

In fact, he didn’t even see him until the game.

Jackson thought his heart was going to burst out of his chest. His hands were shaking as he heard the noise from the stands growing louder as they filled up with people coming to watch them play. They were still in the changing rooms, some of them stretching, some of them doing breathing exercices or playing games on their phones, and Jackson furiously pacing around.

"Jackson, you’re stressing everyone out." their captain groaned. "Go out, take a breather."

"I’m sorry…"

Jackson got out of the room with his head hanging low. He was even disappointing his own team now.

He decided to walk to the bathroom, to splash some water on his face. That would calm his nerves, right ?

"Hey Jack !" someone called him as soon as he walked out into the main hall of the gym

It was Mark, he was with JB, Youngjae, Jinyoung and two girls from Mark’s year Jackson had forgotten the name of.

Jackson felt dread and relief wash over him at the same time. He started to jog up to his friends, but accidentally smashed into a girl who was carrying snacks for the game. Everything went flying, and Jackson, mortified, rushed to help her pick up the snacks on the ground, babbling apology after apology. 

When he got up again, all of his friends were howling with laughter, holding their stomachs or each other.

"You’re so dumb, Jackson." Mark said, doubled over

Jackson wanted to smile, even if it was forced. But in that moment, it felt like a mirror had shattered. His ears were ringing. His entire body felt cold and empty. He looked at all of their faces, how bright they were with amusement. 

"I know." he replied in an icy tone he didn’t know he had within himself

This shouldn’t hurt, he knew it. He was supposed to swallow and let go. And he was yelling at his brain to let it go, but he found himself physically unable to. He felt his gaze harden, his fists clench. He turned around without a word, a walked back to the changing rooms.

He didn’t go back to his teammates right away, he slipped in the showers, where he could be alone to gather his thoughts. But his body gave up on him, for the first time.

As soon as the door closed, Jackson fell down against the wall, holding his knees to his chest.

They were just joking, he told himself. They do that all the time. Even with Bam and Yugyeom, they’re always dissing each other and they don’t mean it. Why does it feel so painful this time ? 

Was it because it had been a long time coming ? Was it because they had spoken aloud the very thing Jackson was waiting for them to confirm ? Or was it because Jinyoung was laughing too ? Because his eyes had that spark they never had when Jackson was the one making the joke ? 

What could he do now ? His friends had confirmed what they thought about him, where could he go from there ?

He heard in his own voice in his brain, the words he had said to Jinyoung that night, walking back from the fireworks show : we don’t have to put up with things that hurt us.

That’s when tears of pain turned to tears of rage. Why ? Why did Jackson put up with it ? He had Bambam and Yugyeom, who never made him feel that way, did he really need anything more ?

He had two choices : either he gave in, or he proved them wrong. And Jackson could feel every single bone in his body burst into flames at the thought of letting his weakness win. No. He loved life, he loved basketball, he loved his essays about Disney movies, he loved laughing loud and high-pitched, he loved getting excited about the tiniest things, he loved all of that. And he was tired of feeling like he had to apologise for it.

He got up. His knees were still shaking a little bit but Jackson knew it would be okay. He took a deep breath, wiped the tears off his face and walked out, back to the changing rooms where his teammates were waiting, a few moments before they got called to go onto the court.

His teammates gathered up for their usual cheer, and Jackson felt a lump in his throat. He wasn’t allowed to make any mistake from this moment on. He had to be strong, he had to strip away the power they had over him. He had to be the indisputable champion.

Anyone who had been at least at one game where Jackson had played, could have told you something had changed.

Jackson was a great player, but he was one that played with a smile, like winning or losing didn’t matter as long as everyone had fun and did their best. The Jackson playing on the court right now was agressive. He was fast, he was overwhelming. Their opponents didn’t know what hit them, and even Jackson’s teammates got caught off guard and had to catch up to match his speed and power.

Before the second quarter ended, Jackson’s team had already a wide lead on their opponents.

Jackson’s teammates recoiled away from him every time they met his eyes, as if there was something terrifying shining there that Jackson couldn’t see.

They won the game, and this time there was no narrow victory. They blew the other team away, their opponents stood there dumbfounded when the buzzer hit and the final scoreboard flickered.

"Jackson !" their captain roared when they got back to the changing rooms. "My man, where are you ?"

The rest of the team were already crowding Jackson, shaking him and cheering like they couldn’t believe what happened. Jackson felt his heart soar and his cheeks hurt with how hard he was grinning.

"What did you eat before the game ?" Yoongi joked. "Cause I want that."

"Ice cream seems to do the trick." Jackson replied lightly, making all of his teammates burst out laughing

It felt good, Jackson couldn’t deny it. He got awarded MVP, and his teammates drew him away for celebratory drinks before he could cross paths with Jinyoung and the others, which he was thankful for. His phone was blowing up. It was mainly Bambam and Yugyeom retelling in all caps every single highlight of the game. 

Yo, where are you ???? We need to celebrate ???? Mark. 

Jackson flicked off the notification. He didn’t want to leave him on read. 

Good game man. We’re going to get pizza, you’re in ? Jaebeom.

Jackson ignored it too. He got a few others, from Youngjae mainly, but he decided to leave it for later. Instead, he texted Bambam and Yugyeom to ask if they wanted to meet up when he was done celebrating with his team. The reply came instantly.

I’ll be okay, Jackson thought.

Of course, he hadn’t expected it to be easy. Maybe he thought it wouldn’t be that hard. He should have expected his friends to notice he had disappeared, he didn’t think the first worried texts would come the very morning after the game. 

Would Jackson be a coward if he just didn’t reply ? Or if he gave some weak excuse like his phone battery had died on him ? Should he tell them the truth ? Too many questions he hadn’t been prepared to be assaulted by.

Are you avoiding me ? Mark texted him one evening after sending him a string of puppy pictures

Jackson sighed. He couldn’t take the coward’s way out. He couldn’t tell them how he felt either, they’d think it’s stupid. Maybe he could compromise ? Spend enough time with them that they wouldn’t find it suspicious, but the barest minimum to avoid getting hurt ?

So Jackson did that. He spent two out of five lunches with them and sat next to Jaebeom in the classes they shared, but stopped studying with them or found excuses when they wanted to meet up after school. Instead, he caught up on his studies, practiced a bit harder than usual, and hung out with Bambam and Yugyeom. He could survive like that. 

He thought the blanket of doubt would keep quiet for a while.

Yet, it was eating at him now.

Was he actually stupid for reacting this way ? Maybe he had gone about this all wrong. Maybe now that they spent more time apart, his friends felt free to speak their minds about him to each other ? Wouldn’t that make it awkward when Jackson would join them and they’d realise how stifled they were around him ? Why did they put up with him in the first place ? Why did Mark spam him with texts ? Was it just because the change was so sudden and he had to get used to it ?

His brain felt constantly on fire. Too many questions and not the slightest shadow of an answer.

"So Mark was right, you are avoiding us."

Jackson had found a café off campus, in an area where he knew his friends never set foot. He couldn’t go to the library anymore, or to their usual hang-out spots, if he wanted to avoid them outside of lunch. So he had to get creative. Since he had to be close enough to go from practice to class to practice to class again, but being inside the dorm made his insidious thoughts scream so much louder, the café was a good option. It had free internet, it stayed open till late, and his friends had never heard of it. Perfect.

So Jackson could say he was positively floored to find Jinyoung standing in front of him, his backpack half-hanging from his shoulder, as if he was ready to sit down in front of him.

Jackson’s mouth fell open.

"N-no, what are you- what are you talking about ?" he stammered, still not sure that he wasn’t hallucinating the boy in front of him in his paranoia

Jinyoung sat down, crossing his arms and leaning back against the chair, his face unreadable.

"I finished practice late." Jackson lied. "I thought you guys would have left already and I didn’t want to bother, so I just came here. This place is nice."

Jinyoung stayed quiet. Jackson decided to ignore him and focus on the notes spread out in front of him on the table. He could feel the gaze of the younger on his face and it made his skin crawl.

"What do you want, Jinyoung ?" he finally groaned when he couldn’t take anymore of the other’s staring

"Nothing. I just saw you through the window when I passed by, thought I could keep you company."

Jackson sighed. This was a trap, wasn’t it ?

"I can leave if you don’t want me here."

Jinyoung’s gaze was unwavering, Jackson didn’t know what to make of it. Was Jinyoung testing him ? Trying to catch him red-handed in his own lie ?

"No you can stay." Jackson finally gave in. "But please keep quiet."

Jinyoung smirked at that, and Jackson swore if the devil had a human face, that would be exactly the one. 

But Jackson summoned all of his resolve and pushed the thoughts away to dive back into his lessons. He thought he was a slow learner, so to make sure he could memorise everything, he would copy his notes a second time, more carefully, more organised and readable. He had pens in every colour for that, which he never took out when someone was around, but it was too late to remove them from the table now. 

Jackson took a deep breath. He could do this.

"When’s your next game ?" Jinyoung asked, obviously not understanding the word quiet —and Jackson thought he was the foreign one

"Three weeks." Jackson mumbled without looking up from his notes

"Is the team you’re up against particularly tough ?"

Jackson had to bite his lip to not ask Jinyoung to stop.

"Not really, no."

"So you don’t have extra practice these days ?"

Jackson looked up this time, to find Jinyoung looking at him with his face still as impenetrable as before. That sly bastard.

"What do you want, Jinyoung ?" he sighed

"I’m just asking questions. Catching up. You know, since you’ve basically disappeared after your last game. I just thought, maybe you’re drowning in extra practice. Jaebeom-hyung already said you don’t have more work than usual, so…"

Jackson rolled his eyes. Jinyoung still didn’t budge.

"You’re making a fuss out of nothing." Jackson said. "We don’t have to all be together 24/7, right ?"

That seemed to shut the younger up. Not that Jackson would really know, since the guy seemed physically unable to emote around him.

Jinyoung didn’t make any more comments during the time they stayed in the café. For some reason Jackson couldn’t explain, it sent shivers down his spine rather than satisfy him. That was a whole new version of Jinyoung staying quiet in his presence. It wasn’t out of annoyance, he wasn’t avoiding him, it wasn’t even comfortable. Jinyoung’s fist was clenched on the table between them. This was coming dangerously close to activating Jackson’s fight or flight response.

When Jackson was done studying, they left the café and parted ways. Jinyoung had to go back to the dorm and Jackson needed to run an errand —he didn’t actually, he just needed to breathe, and walking back to the dorm with Jinyoung wouldn’t allow him to.

"Hey." Jackson called out before the younger was out of hearing range. "Please. Don’t tell the others about this place ? I know… I know you don’t have any reason to do that, but just, please ? I have my reasons."

Jinyoung didn’t respond. He just gave a small nod and walked away.

Jackson let out a deep breath. He had no reason to think he could trust Jinyoung, and maybe telling him out loud to keep something from their friends was giving him a lot of ammunition on Jackson but it was too late to take it back. Jackson had to hope for the best.

A few days later, at lunch, Jackson sat with Bambam and Yugyeom. Bambam had made a really bad pun, that had all of them in stitches, laughing hysterically, probably startling everyone at the tables nearby. 

Jackson fell out of his chair, which only made the other two laugh harder, and Jackson too. He got up and froze when he saw who was staring at him from the queue of people still getting their food.

Of course, it had to be Jinyoung. Out of everyone who could have seen him in any embarrassing situation, it had to be the one person who already had too many cards against Jackson in his deck.

Jackson dusted off his pants and sat back down with his friends, who had moved on to some other topic already. He waited a few seconds to look back at Jinyoung.

The younger was still staring, but only out of the corner his eye. Well, Jackson thought, now he knows who I hang out with.

That afternoon, Mark texted their group chat to meet at the library to study, like he did every day or two. Jackson told them he had made plans already. To his surprise, even Jinyoung said he wasn’t available.

Of course Jackson hadn’t made plans. After practice, he went straight to the café off campus to study. 

Lost in his thoughts, he went in and suddenly, the air felt as icy as it did outside. Sitting at his favourite table, two cups of coffee in front of him, was none other than the bane of his entire life.

Jackson threw his head back in disbelief. Jinyoung’s gaze was hard, which was probably the most emotion he had ever shown towards him.

"So you lied. You are avoiding us."

Jackson scoffed, bitter.

"Thanks, Jinyoung." he snarled. "Calling me a liar before you even say hello."

He grabbed one of the coffee cups on the table and went to walk out without another word, but Jinyoung latched on his wrist before he could move.

"So you didn’t lie ?" he challenged Jackson. "You really made plans. You just got here early, your other friends are coming ? Or you just came to grab coffee and meet them somewhere else ?"

Jackson couldn’t believe his ears. He tore his arm out of Jinyoung’s grip with a joyless laugh.

"Are you for real ?"

Jinyoung got up, maybe so he could use the few inches he had on Jackson to make him feel smaller. Tough luck with that one, Jackson might be insecure about his height sometimes, but none of friends came close to him in strength.

"Listen." Jackson spat. "If you came here to insult me, or to make fun of me, you can leave."

"Answer my question."

"There was no question. You just assumed a bunch of stuff and threw it at my face."

Jinyoung’s eyes were full of fury now. Jackson almost felt proud that he had gotten a reaction out of him that wasn’t just indifference or annoyance.

It was like a switch had flipped inside of Jackson after snapping back at the younger. The rational part of his brain was telling him to grab his coffee and run out, find somewhere to study, maybe downtown. But his body was tired, and the tank was full to the brim. Jackson should have known he had a breaking point.

"You’re so full of shit, you know that, Park Jinyoung ?" he said before he could think it through. "Show me where it says I owe you any explanation. Right ? Nowhere !"

There were making a scene in public, he knew that. Jackson was naturally loud, Angry-Jackson was not much different. To his credit, Jinyoung looked away, to check if people were staring or because he felt some shame, Jackson couldn’t tell though.

"Jackson…" he hissed

"No, wait, I’m not done. You haven’t had enough of fucking with my head all day long, now you have to ruin to one safe place I found too ?"

Jinyoung looked bewildered. 

"If I make plans with other people or not, if it’s just an excuse to be alone for five minutes, that’s really none of your business, Park. We’re not friends, you made that very clear. Now, get out or I will."

Jinyoung stood there with his mouth half-open, looking almost scandalised.

"Jackson, stop being an idiot…" he sighed in exasperation

Oh no, not that again. Jackson’s grip on the coffee cup tightened so hard he felt the burning liquid spill over the edge, pouring over his fingers.

"Well, I am an idiot. If you don’t like it, no one’s forcing you to hang out with me."

And since Jinyoung clearly wasn’t showing signs of wanting to let it go. Jackson decided to act on his own threat, and walked out, throwing the dripping coffee cup in the trash on his way out.

Jackson could feel his entire body burning with rage.

Who did Jinyoung think he was ? Pushing his buttons, rolling his eyes at everything he said, always acting as if he wished to be anywhere Jackson wasn’t, laughing when people insulted him… And then getting on his high horses when Jackson tried to live his own life ? 

Jackson ran to his dorm and locked himself in his room, throwing himself face first into his pillow. After screaming into it for a few minutes, he pulled out his phone to text Bambam and Yugyeom and ask if they were free. He had to get out, he couldn’t let the door open to his most insidious thoughts just now.

Sorry man I got like seven essays I forgot for tomorrow raincheck tho ? Bambam

Shit.

I’m out with JK, you alright ? Yugyeom

Shit shit.

Jackson let out a low sigh. How long would it be until Jinyoung told the others what happened and his phone started blowing up ? He hadn’t told them about the café, probably to keep his leverage.

Maybe it was for the best if he just turned off his phone and tried to sleep and forget. What about his alarm though ?

Jackson was starting to hate his own brain who never kept quiet, never gave him one second to breathe.

The next morning, Jackson woke up with the most painful headache he had ever had in his life. He felt so hot that he threw his bedsheets on the floor. His muscles were sore and drained, Jackson could barely summon the energy to sit up. No, no, no, no…

Not now, not today…

If he didn’t show up to school, to practice, especially after his confrontation with Jinyoung, it would be like conceding defeat.

Come on, you never fail me, please, Jackson begged his own body.

He managed to get up and get dressed. He didn’t have breakfast or coffee, just the thought of putting something in his mouth made him want to throw up. He put on a few more layers than usual, hid his sickly pale face behind a scarf, and prayed that would do the trick. 

He didn’t run to school as he usually did. His feet dragged on the ground, Jackson really wanted to get struck by lightning before he could get to class.

It was surely asking too much of him. He could barely keep his eyes open during class. The only reason he didn’t fully skip lunch was because he needed some food to get his body going through the afternoon. The question of whether it was a good idea to go to practice was seriously starting to haunt him.

In the end, he gave up. It would be doing a disservice to his team to play in this condition. He texted them he was sick and went straight back to bed, falling asleep immediately, forgetting to study. 

What he didn’t expect, was to be woken up by a string of text notifications.

His phone was blowing up. Jackson pulled himself up, his mind still clouded with the sweetness of sleep, and took it out of his pocket. His eyes widen. 54 unread messages. That had to a record for him, the guy who answers before you even finish typing.

Most of them were from his group chat with Mark, Jaebom and Jinyoung. The other half were direct messages from either Mark or JB.

Dude, where are you ?

No, like seriously ?

Jinyoung says you weren’t at practice, did something happen ?

You were in class this morning

This isn’t funny Jackson

Jackson did you die or what ?

Mark and Jinyoung are about to call a search party, please answer

Jackson skipped through the rest. He opened the group chat and typed a quick reply, hoping it would buy him time to get drink water and wash his face. 

I died and resuscitated,  what did I miss ?

Jackson felt gross and sweaty, but at least his stomach wasn’t upset anymore and his muscles had regained their strength. So Jackson wasn’t really sick, right ? His body was just trying to send him a message in its own way.

He didn’t expect his phone to start vibrating furiously just one second after putting it back in his pocket. Were his friends glued to their texts right now ?

Jackson downed an entire glass of water in one gulp before taking his phone out again. And he froze when he saw an unusual name in the string of notifications lighting up his screen.

A direct message from Jinyoung.

It had to be the first time the younger texted him. Sure, they were in one group chat together but Jackson wasn’t even sure he had his number saved somewhere.

Where are you ?

Cold and straight to the point. Jinyoung texted just like he talked.

My bed. Jackson replied before heading into the bathroom to wash off the sweat on his body. 

He ended up taking a hot shower, needing to let his thoughts and worries of the past few days wash away in the drain with the bubbles of his shampoo. He wrapped himself in a bathrobe and sat down on his bed to drink some hot chocolate. Fuck his pre-game diet, he thought, he needed sugar and comfort at the moment, he’d go back to his veggies and tea in the morning.

Someone knocked at the door. Jackson debated how appropriate it was to greet someone dressed as he was, but decided he had had enough of caring about people’s judgement for the day.

So this is how Jackson found himself in a bathrobe, water dripping from his hair, opening the door in front of Jinyoung.

Was Jackson cursed ? How did he always find a way to humiliate himself in front of the younger ?

"You came to check if I was lying again, or just to laugh at my misery ?" he groaned, letting the other come in

"Do you always think so low of me ?"

"Jinyoung."

Jinyoung lowered his head. He wasn’t looking at Jackson, who had chosen to lean back against his kitchen counter, arms crossed, bulging. He wasn’t going to be intimidated in his own space, damnit.

"Yeah I came to see if you were telling the truth." Jinyoung admitted flatly. "You weren’t at practice or at the café, I thought you were hiding from me."

Jackson scoffed, opening his arms wide.

"Well. There you have it. I’m sick. You got what you wanted, now leave."

"Jackson."

The younger took a step forward. He was only tentatively rising his gaze towards Jackson’s face, probably remembering his sudden anger from the day before.

"No." Jackson cut him off. "I’m way too tired to deal with this now. Go, we’ll talk when I feel better."

For a second, it looked as if Jinyoung was going to actually give up and let Jackson go back to sleep like he wanted. He even took a step back towards the door. But Jackson could see the unrest in the younger’s eyes, that were unusually transparent, and the way he was biting his lip.

"Have you eaten ?" Jinyoung blurted out all of a sudden

Jackson frowned.

"I was about to."

"Sit down. I’ll be right back."

That bastard, Jackson thought, what is he trying to do this time ?

Burning his kitchen, it turns out, was what. Okay, Jackson might be exaggerating, Jinyoung only overcooked the ramen slightly, cause he was too distracted furiously texting someone.

Meanwhile, Jackson was pretty much passed out on his bed, keeping one eye open to check that the younger wasn’t trying to trick him somehow.

Jinyoung came back a few minutes later with two bowls of ramen, he gave one to Jackson then sat across from him on the bed, eyeing him closely.

Jackson had barely eaten because of his upset his stomach, so he dived straight onto the food. Only when his mouth was full with his first bite, did he wonder whether it was truly wise to accept that meal so meekly. He didn’t want to let Jinyoung think he could be so easily swayed.

"Isn’t it convenient how you got sick right after our conversation yesterday ?"

Jackson almost choked on his food.

"Are you for real ?" he shot back. "Are you calling me a liar again ?"

Jinyoung waved his hands frantically in front of his face —wow, he’s oddly expressive for once, Jackson commented to himself.

"No, no, no, that came out wrong."

"Seems to happen a lot."

"You have no idea."

Jackson didn’t reply to that. He still couldn’t figure out why Jinyoung was there, why he came to look for him at the café —did he also wait for him at practice, was that how he knew he didn’t go ? Did he want to talk ? What was there to say after their conversation at the café ? 

Jackson kept eating, trying to ignore how Jinyoung was staring at his face. Was he like one of those animals who studied their prey before attacking ? Or like kids dissecting their food before eating ? Jackson couldn’t lie to himself, he was growing more anxious by the second.

"What is it ?" he finally sighed when he had enough of the younger’s scanning

"Why did you say I was fucking with your head ?"

"You know why, Jinyoung."

"I really don’t."

Jackson shook his head, waiting to have swallowed the food in his mouth before giving the younger a piece of his mind.

"Listen. Maybe you enjoy playing hot and cold, cat and mouse, whatever you wanna call it, but I don’t. So cut the crap please."

Jinyoung just stared at him. Jackson found himself thinking that blank-faced-Jinyoung was more comfortable to be around, more familiar. At least, Jackson wasn’t walking on a razor blade when he didn’t have to interpret every change in the younger’s expression.

"Why do you put me on trial before I ever get a chance to explain myself ?" Jinyoung muttered, lowering his gaze

Jackson felt all the tension drain from his muscles, as if his body was so exhausted from being angry and nervous around Jinyoung that it had to shut down.

"Because I really don’t think I can handle what you’re gonna say." he admitted, his voice small and weak

"What do you think I’m gonna say ?"

Jackson put down his almost empty bowl and crawled up to the headrest of his bed, drawing his knees to his chest and putting his pillow like a shield in front of him.

"Listen…" he sighed. "I know what people think about me. I’m used to it, I can look past it if I don’t think about it too much. I just don’t like to hear it spelled out loud…"

Jackson hated how vulnerable he sounded. He was dropping ammunition on Jinyoung’s lap like it was his birthday present. He probably looked like a sulking kid in the younger’s eyes. Jackson almost wanted to tell him to snap a picture so he could laugh longer at the memory.

"Okay." Jinyoung said, getting up and grabbing their bowls to bring them back to the kitchen. "I won’t say it then."

Jackson didn’t know if that somehow hurt more or less. Jinyoung put the bowls in the sink and turned to stare right into Jackson’s eyes, his gaze hard and determined.

"I’ll just have to make sure you get it another way."

In hindsight, Jackson should have asked what he meant.

The very next day, as he was feeling better, he went to school as usual. It felt good to go back to his morning routine, it felt safe and comfortable. 

At lunch, he was getting ready to look around for Bambam and Yugyeom when he heard someone calling his name.

"Jackson, hey Jackson ! We’re here."

Jackson was truly wondering at this point if he hadn’t actually got a fever last night and was delirious in his bed. Because Jinyoung was standing, waving his arms around to get Jackson’s attention towards the table he was at with Mark and Jaebeom.

Jackson frowned but still decided to join them, as it would probably be very strange if he just kept looking for another table. 

"How are you feeling today ?" the younger asked when Jackson sat with them —wait, why was the only free seat the one next to Jinyoung ?

"Oh yeah" Mark interjected. "Jinyoung said you were sick yesterday, how are you man ?"

Jackson’s eyes were wide like a kid caught stealing from the chocolate box.

"Erm…" he stammered. "Yeah I was, I’m much better now."

He saw Jinyoung smirk out of the corner of his eye. What was he planning ?

That ended up being a recurring question during the day, as Jinyoung kept doing things that confused Jackson a lot. For example, he waited for him after practice to walk together to the café. The whole time they spent together, Jinyoung didn’t speak much, he even studied with Jackson. There was just harmless small talk, which made Jackson very suspicious.

"Tomorrow" Jinyoung finally said after they left the café. "You’re coming to the library."

Jackson eyed him up and down as if to gauge if he was real. Jinyoung just rose his eyebrows.

"Do you want Mark and JB to think you’re avoiding them ?" he insisted

"Are you blackmailing me ?"

Jinyoung flashed him an impertinent smile. That shut Jackson up. He was right, he couldn’t hide forever and feed his friends excuses, at some point it was bound to blow up in his face.

So Jackson gave up and joined Jinyoung, Youngjae, Mark and Jaebom at the library the next day. Mark and Youngjae couldn’t contain their excitement at having back in the group, that they started furiously throwing out ideas for get-togethers the same evening, as if they were afraid Jackson would vanish again. The whole time, Jinyoung’s eyes didn’t leave him.

Yeah. Jackson really should have asked what he meant.

One day, coming into the lecture hall, Jaebeom stopped before taking the seat next to Jackson, instead standing there, shifting from one foot to another.

"Can I sit here ?" he finally asked as the other students were pouring in the hall

"Yeah, of course." Jackson frowned. "You always do."

"Just wanted to be sure."

As the professor began his lecture, Jackson caught Jaebeom staring at him a few times. Was it contagious ? First Jinyoung, now this, what was going on ?

"Have you been alright ?" Jaebeom asked, keeping his voice low

"Sure, why ?"

"I don’t know, Jinyoung said you needed some space these days."

Now Jackson was seriously starting to think the younger was up to something. Planting the seed in their friends’ heads so that Jackson had no escape route ? Was that his plan ?

"I guess…" Jaebeom sighed

He looked as if he was weighing his words very carefully. He wasn’t looking at Jackson, instead he fiddled with the string of his hoodie.

"I guess I just wanted to say… I know I don’t show it much, or I don’t really mention it, but I’m really thankful for everything you do."

Jackson’s eyes widened, but Jaebeom wasn’t done.

"It means a lot, you know, even when you text me "good luck" when I’m cramming my assignments or when you bring me coffee when you know I was late and didn’t have time to get one myself. You don’t have to, but it means a lot that you still do, you know ?"

Jackson was speechless. Was that true ? 

Jaebeom let out a deep sigh, finally turning towards Jackson with a sincere look in his eyes.

"I’m glad to have you as a friend, I just wanted to make sure that much was clear."

Jackson felt his heart soar for the few hours that followed. His friend’s words had warmed him up inside. He even pushed away the guilty thoughts that maybe he had been wrong for avoiding them.

But the giddy feeling in his chest did not last long. Just as quick as it had faded, the blanket of doubt came crawling back. It all happened when Jackson received a text from Youngjae.

Hey Jack !!!! Hope you’re having a great day, stay strong my friend, you’re amazing !!!

What ?

Jackson felt his brows furrow. Now, one confession from his friends was surprising but welcome, two felt a lot like a trap. Was he being tricked ? Were they playing a prank on him? Jackson even twirled on the spot, trying to spot a hidden camera.

"Hey… You know you can tell me if something’s wrong, right ?"

Jackson was with Mark at the library. The others weren’t there because they had extra classes. Mark wasn’t the most talkative one of the bunch —that crowned belonged to Jackson only— so Jackson was surprised by his interjection. He tore his eyes away from his away to look up at his friend.

"Sure, yeah." Jackson replied not expecting Mark to give him a full speech

"I know how tough it is, you know that, to be so far away from home, to constantly have to prove you’re just as good as everyone else who has been studying here since kindergarten. It’s stressful and it’s tiring, but you’re doing really great, and you’re not alone."

"Thanks…"

Okay, if twice was suspicious, three times was a clear pattern. Something was going on that Jackson didn’t know about. And he had a star suspect.

"Did… Did Jinyoung put you up to this ?" Jackson asked, almost in a whisper as if the younger could have stormed in at any second

"No, he just mentioned you’d been feeling down lately, and that maybe you needed some cheering words."

Jackson scoffed. "I knew it… I thought it was weird, everyone being nice all of a sudden. Should’ve known it was one of his tricks."

Mark froze. He stared at Jackson with wide, scandalised eyes. For a second, Jackson feared the older would smack him across the face with his economics manual.

"What the hell is wrong with you ?" Mark shrieked, startling everyone around them. "How can you say something like that ?"

At that, Jackson put every single thought on hold. Why did he find it suspicious when people showed him their friendship ? Why did he see a trick, a deception in their compliments ? Was it self-preservation instinct or was he paranoid ? Was, as Mark put it, something wrong him ? Was that blanket of doubt actually not normal at all, a poison inside his body ?

Jackson felt his head spiralling out of control.

"I think my brain is sick…" Jackson whispered numbly

Admitting it somehow felt worse than anything Jackson had ever experienced in his life. He was someone who took pride in his physical performance, his strength, his endurance. He had managed to forget that his brain was not some abstract thing made of thoughts and dreams, it was a very concrete, material part of his body, that needed to be taken care of just as much as his muscles.

It was hard to put a name on the blanket of doubt, he had become so familiar with it that it had become part of his daily life. If it didn’t crawl up the back of his neck one day, Jackson would find it so disturbing. Not because he welcomed that cold, lonely feeling, but because he was so used to it he had started to find it normal.

Who could he talk about it though ? His parents ? They were already so worried about him being so far away from home, having to work twice as hard as everyone else, he couldn’t add to their stress, it would be cruel. 

His friends then ? But wouldn’t that betray the image they had of him ? Would they still want his company if he admitted he wasn’t one hundred percent the happy goof who went out of his way to make everyone smile ? 

Well… There was one person who had already a ruined image of him, wasn’t there ? Someone who probably had spent so much staring at him to find the slightest weakness that he could read his brain at this point. But was asking the one person who made him feel even sicker a very healthy thing to do ?

Jinyoung had his elbow on Jackson’s shoulder right now, reminding him of their height difference, as they were gathered around the Drama department’s billboard. Jinyoung had dragged them there "for moral support" he said as they had just announced the role distribution for the year-end play. He hadn’t let go of Jackson all the way, finding one way or another to grab him, by the arm, the shoulder, as if to make sure he wouldn’t run away. It was making Jackson’s hands sweat.

"Oh, oh !" Mark suddenly exclaimed since he was standing the closest to the billboard in the crowd of drama students gathered to see what they’d got. "Jinyoung, you got it ! "Gabe", you said ? You got "Gabe" !"

Jinyoung let out a scream so loud Jackson heard his ear ringing. The younger clung to him as he jumped up and down, accepting high-fives from his friends and some drama students that knew him. His smile was blinding, and Jackson felt his heart soften at that. It was true, Jinyoung wasn’t a bad person, he knew that. Maybe that’s the whole reason why Jackson cared so much about what he thought of him. Because he was such a bright star to everyone else, so if he treated him that way, then that meant something was wrong with Jackson, right ?

"Congrats !" he said with a smile when Jinyoung turned towards him

He didn’t expect the younger to throw his arms around his neck. Jackson stood there, motionless, gaping, not knowing where to put his hands, as Jinyoung kept hugging him. He settled for locking his arms around the younger’s waist.

When the initial surprise and tension in his muscles dissipated, Jackson felt his entire body heat up. A heat that felt like coming home after a long walk in the biting, lonely cold of winter, to wrap yourself in a blanket, with hot chocolate and your favourite movie. Comfortable ? Was that the word Jackson was looking for ?

"Okay you two, let’s go" Youngjae interrupted. "We have to celebrate."

For some reason, Jackson didn’t really want to let go. Maybe it had been so long since he had been hugged, maybe he was just tired, but he had missed that warmth, that tingle in his brain. The same feeling he got from finding the tiny things, the lift of the veil, but ten times more overwhelming.

Still, he let go first. Jinyoung however, kept his hand on Jackson’s wrist the whole way to their —now— favourite ice cream place.

"What do you do when you really don’t understand someone’s behaviour towards you ?" he asked Yugyeom the next day at lunch

"You ask them."

"You test them." Bambam answered at the same time

Jackson couldn’t get the hug out of his mind. He even had had trouble falling asleep because he kept replaying it in his head. 

"Test them ?" he repeated, intrigued

"Yeah, like a science experiment. You know, in chemistry, action reaction, all that ?"

"Bam, you’re a design student." Yugyeom mocked

Bambam’s idea didn’t sound so bad. Jackson was always the one who had the reaction to Jinyoung’s actions, maybe it would enlighten him to put them in the opposite situation and see what happened. But how ? 

Jackson had two rules to find the perfect opportunity for his experiment. Number one : it had to be a spontaneous situation. The younger was too perceptive, if Jackson planned ahead, he would get busted right away. Number two : it had to be in a group setting. There needed to be people around if he wanted to truly gauge Jinyoung’s reaction, to make the mask fall, put him on the spot with witnesses.

The perfect opportunity came two days later, when Jinyoung, Mark, Jaebeom and Youngjae waited for him after practice to go study. Jackson noticed straight away Jinyoung’s face was unusually sulky. He had his arms crossed. 

"Long time no see." Jaebeom laughed

Jackson had eaten lunch with Bambam and Yugyeom earlier. His friends came later to the cafeteria but there were no seats available at their table, so Jackson could just wave to acknowledge them. 

Now that Jackson remembered, Jinyoung had flashed him a nasty look. Or was it at his friends ? 

"How come you hang out with freshmen, though ?" Jaebeom asked, still laughing, as they started walking. "How do you even know them ?"

"I met Bambam at the foreign students welcoming assembly." Jackson replied, a fond smile spreading on his lips at the memory. "I volunteered to show him around, answer his questions, you know. And we hit it off, we got along really well right away. For Yugyeom, well, they come as a package deal, so that’s how."

"Jackson making friends with everyone, what’s new ?" Youngjae joked

Jackson grinned. Jinyoung, however, let out a snort. He was walking a bit apart, behind them. Jackson recognised his usual coldness but, somehow, this time, it didn’t pierce right through his heart. Instead, it made him wonder. Was he really mocking Jackson’s easy-going nature or was he being a brat about something else ?

That’s when Jackson remembered what Bambam had said. He smiled wickedly. Well, well, well…

Jackson slowed down his pace, motioning as if he had to tie his shoelaces, but only waited for Jinyoung to be in front of him to launch his attack. He threw his arms around the younger’s waist from behind, hooking his chin on his shoulder and grinned at him.

"What’s eating at you ?" he whispered in the younger’s ear

Jinyoung practically threw Jackson off of him. He clung to the arms around his body as if to tear them away but never actually gave the push. Jackson could feel him squirm against his chest.

"N-nothing." Jinyoung stammered, turning absolutely red in the face. "I’m fine."

"Okay. Then if you’re fine, stop sulking and give us a smile, you big baby."

Youngjae laughed at the scene they were making. That only made Jinyoung even more flustered. He hid his face behind his hand and shoved Jackson lightly. He could barely string a few words together for the next half-hour and that made Jackson very, very satisfied.

If only Jackson could interpret the result of his experiment, then he would know whether it was conclusive or not.

It hit him a few days later : Jinyoung was acting possessive. Why the hell would he do that, that was the whole question.

Jackson realised it when it was just the two of them on campus. Jinyoung had brought Jackson coffee after class, knowing he had just suffered through a two-hour-long test that he didn’t feel ready for at all. Jackson was thankful for the gesture, even though he couldn’t help trying to dissect the younger’s possible ulterior motives still.

As they were walking down the halls, Jackson saw Bambam power-walking to his own lecture. He broke into a grin, and was about to motion to his freshman friend to say hi, and maybe ask about possible hangout plans, who knows, when Jinyoung suddenly grabbed him and dragged him in the opposite direction.

Jackson stared at him in disbelief. Jinyoung’s grasp on his arm was painful, and his face was contorted in a serious frown.

"What are you doing ?" Jackson exclaimed, trying to free his arm from the hand that was hurting it

Jinyoung let him go and slowed down his pace. He was biting his lip, and Jackson was relieved to see he looked a bit guilty. What the hell ?

"Nothing, just making sure you’re not avoiding us again." the younger mumbled

Jackson blinked.

"Jinyoung. They’re my friends. I can’t stop hanging out with everybody else just because you say so."

Jinyoung avoided his gaze, so Jackson took a step further.

"What’s it to you, anyway ?" he chuckled bitterly. "Shouldn’t you be relieved I’m not around 24/7 to annoy you ?"

Jinyoung’s head snapped up. Their eyes met and Jackson was surprised to see a strange spark in Jinyoung’s, something quiet, something like… sadness. He looked sad. 

Completely out of the blue, Jinyoung grabbed Jackson’s neck and drew him against his chest, holding him tight, his free hand going straight to the back of his head. Jackson stood frozen in the younger’s hug. They were in the middle of the hall, with dozens of students were walking by, some even running, and they just stood there, in a bubble, like characters from a movie.

"What are you—" Jackson whispered but Jinyoung cut him off before he could even finish his thought

"I don’t understand you."

Jackson snorted. He pushed Jinyoung away but the younger’s grip was stronger than he expected, so he just managed to align their faces so they could look at each other.

"Is that why you hate me so much ?" he muttered

Jinyoung hit him in the chest. Jackson let out an exaggerated yelp of pain, but at least that broke their hug.

"I don’t hate you, no one hates you. I just don’t understand you."

"Jesus, thanks, that really makes me feel so much better."

"Can you let me speak, just once, Jackson please ?"

Jackson closed his mouth as soon as Jinyoung asked. He was buying time again, trying to delay the moment Jinyoung’s words would pour out and smack him across the face. But now it really looked like his time had come, there was no running away from this conversation. Even Bambam couldn’t save him, he went the other way.

"I don’t understand you and sometimes I just wish I could see through your brain." Jinyoung confessed out of the blue

"That wouldn’t pretty." Jackson commented only to have Jinyoung’s deadly glare shut him up again

"I did think you were too much when I first met you" Jinyoung went on, ignoring the way Jackson’s head dropped. "I mean… I’m the type of person who likes when everything is quiet and tidy and stable, and you’re basically a hurricane."

Jackson crossed one arm on his chest, bracing for impact. Jinyoung was just getting started…

"And I did also think "wow this guy is just so laidback, he doesn’t care about anything, I bet if I ask him about the planet dying, he’s just gonna say YOLO", you know ?"

Jackson clenched his teeth. Dammit, of course Jinyoung was an actor, he knew how to build up to a punch.

"So then I thought…" the younger sighed, not showing signs of noticing Jackson’s tension. "Maybe I should learn something from him, stop being so negative all the time, cheer up, see the beauty of life and all that, you know ?"

Yes, Jackson knew. That was the whole reason behind his ordeal.

"So I tried to do that. New Year’s eve, that was it, I tried to see the world like you do, and I liked it. I honestly don’t think I can get rid of the negativity completely yet, but I can try to, a little bit every day. That’s what I thought, and that’s when I started to admire you."

Jackson froze. His head shot up, scanning Jinyoung’s face for the trick, the lie, but he only saw the same spark of sadness, of hurt almost.

"What ?" Jackson blurted out

"It takes strength to be a positive person." Jinyoung explained. "I realised that when I tried. Cynicism is easy, it’s comfortable. Finding the energy to chase the light at end of the tunnel, it’s exhausting. That’s brave maybe, when you’re surrounded by people who constantly underestimate you."

Jackson was left speechless. So… That meant… If New Year’s eve was Jinyoung warming up to him then… what happened after ? That still didn’t explain his behaviour at the game, at the café ? 

The blanket of doubt tightened its grip on Jackson. It was suffocating. Jinyoung was eyeing Jackson so closely now that he couldn’t even breathe properly, out of fear it would blow air on the younger’s face.

"I just…" Jinyoung sighed. "I just thought "wow he’s so strong, I want to be more like him", but that’s not it, right ? That’s not the whole truth."

Jackson kept quiet. Well now he found it hard to believe the younger actually couldn’t read his mind, that had to be a lie. 

"Nothing that hard comes without consequences, right ?" Jinyoung insisted, his voice barely a murmur now

Jackson swallowed hard. Warm tears started to well up in his eyes. He felt every part of his body, of his mind, of his strength, crack. Crack like the ice covering a lake when the pressure has finally become too heavy to sustain. Crack like he was gonna shatter beyond repair.

"I think my brain might be sick…" he mouthed, covering his face and his tears behind his hands. "And I don’t know how to cure it…"

Jinyoung, for the third time now, drew Jackson in a hug. It was soft this time, there was no crashing of their chests, no tension on Jackson’s part. Instead, he let himself be wrapped in a different kind of blanket, one of warmth, one of balance. He clung to Jinyoung’s coat, holding himself close as if he didn’t want the other to let go. He truly didn’t. Jinyoung held him tight, letting his cheek rest on top of Jackson’s head, rubbing his back slowly.

"We’ll find a way…" he whispered. "I promise."

So Jackson decided to believe him this time.

He was coping. That was the word.

From the outside, you wouldn’t have known anything was wrong, or anything had changed. He was still loud, cheerful Jackson, who screamed at his friends how amazing they were, who complained about the food in the cafeteria being too full of saturated fats, who laughed at anything and everything.

But something had changed. 

For one, Jackson introduced both of his friend groups to each other, so there wouldn’t be any misunderstandings. They hit it off immediately, especially Youngjae with Bambam and Yugyeom. However, Jackson sincerely hoped Jinyoung had missed the way Bambam had commented "Isn’t that the guy who hates you ?" when he had introduced them. By the look on Jinyoung’s face, though, he knew he was out of luck.

Another thing that changed was Jackson started calling his parents every other day. It was Jinyoung’s idea, actually. Jackson avoided calling them because he was afraid of how painful it could be to be reminded of being away from home. Jinyoung instead suggested it could be quite the opposite. And Jackson had to give it to him, he was right. Speaking Mandarin, listening to his dad complain about the neighbour’s dog, pouring every silly little thought out to his mother… it felt like breathing. It felt like being drawn out of the water for a few minutes, like a break from the constant apnea.

The game went well. All of his friends went, they won without Jackson scaring away all of his teammates. Jinyoung didn’t let go of him during the whole celebration night, which made their friends crack a few jokes at their expense.

"He’s not gonna run away, hyung." Yugyeom had pointed out but Jinyoung still hadn’t let go

Well, that was probably the biggest change. Jinyoung was always there, and when he wasn’t physically present, he dwelled in Jackson’s thoughts. Or there would be a text popping on his phone screen. Day by day, a little step at a time, it started feeling less overwhelming, less draining. Jackson almost didn’t feel like going into fight or flight mode every time he heard the younger’s voice anymore. 

Jinyoung often found any reason to have Jackson around, to keep an eye on him maybe. His most frequent excuse was that he needed someone to run lines with. That’s how Jackson realised something interesting…

"It’s a musical ?" Jackson shrieked when he realised there was sheet music in the middle of Jinyoung’s script

Jinyoung laughed softly.

"Yeah, you didn’t know ?"

"Wow, Park Jinyoung, what can’t you do ?"

And the smile Jinyoung gave him at that moment made not knowing suddenly so worth it.

Yeah, Jackson was coping. It was a day-to-day thing.

But he knew that wasn’t enough. He didn’t feel ready to voice his exact thoughts yet, but he knew deep in his heart that he couldn’t go on just coping. The blanket of doubt still didn’t miss an opportunity to tighten its chokehold on him, he knew he had to talk to someone. He just wasn’t ready just yet.

"Can we go to your place ?" Jinyoung whined one day they were running lines in the campus park. "It’s freezing out here."

"You’re a baby, you know that ?" Jackson laughed. "The cold is good for you."

"Tell me that when I’m sick."

Jackson finally gave up. Probably because the younger was not going to start saying his lines until he got what he wanted, not that it made any difference to Jackson, he wasn’t the one who had to learn them. But he didn’t want Jinyoung to fail, so they went to his room.

"Do you want something to drink ?" Jackson asked, letting the younger settle in 

"Yeah, sure, whatever you’re having."

Jinyoung patted his bag, then looked at Jackson with an embarrassed smile.

"Forgot my notebook." he admitted, cringing. "Do you have paper somewhere ?"

Jackson had seen the younger take abundant notes every time he read the script, about his character, their backstory, all of these details that never appeared on the text. He frankly couldn’t fathom how he could have forgotten the notebook, but then again, he did text him this morning saying his alarm hadn’t gone off. He probably packed in a rush.

"Yeah sure." Jackson shrugged. "Look under the desk, there’s a bunch of folders, you should find something in one of them."

As Jinyoung went straight to the desk, Jackson started making tea. He took out his phone to check his social media, and started scrolling mindlessly, waiting for the water to heat up.

Suddenly, he realised Jinyoung had been quiet for a worryingly long time. It sent a chill down Jackson’s spine. He turned his head to his desk, and froze when he saw what folder Jinyoung was holding. The red one. The one were he archived all of his essays.

Jinyoung was reading one of the essays. Jackson felt cold sweat running down his nape.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

He bolted across the room to take the essay out of Jinyoung’s hands, who was too absorbed in his reading to notice Jackson’s surprise attack.

"Hey !" Jinyoung protested, trying to grab the paper back. "I wasn’t finished."

"That paper’s already used." Jackson mumbled, taking out some blank pages. "Here."

"Was that your Music and Psychology essay ?"

Jackson ignored the question. He closed the folded and made to put it back in his desk, but Jinyoung stopped him, a hand on his chest. He looked straight into Jackson’s eyes.

"Was it ?"

"Maybe." Jackson conceded, avoiding the younger’s gaze

"The essay about national anthems and what they tell us about different people ?"

Jackson threw the folder on the desk and ran back to the kitchen, ignoring Jinyoung yelling at him to come back. The water was boiling now, Jackson lowered the heat and opened his cabinet to choose the right tea for that time of the afternoon.

"Jackson." Jinyoung insisted, putting both hands on the counter in front of Jackson. "Did you change your topic last minute or did you lie to me ?"

Jackson felt a lump form in his throat. He wanted to cry. The stress, the fear of Jinyoung mocking him washed all over him, all over again, back in full force. He couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t speak. He just wanted to crawl into his bed and disappear forever. He wanted Jinyoung to stop looking at him, to stop putting his hand on his arm, to stop holding his face.

Jinyoung forced Jackson to lift up his chin. His eyes were so dark, Jackson noticed, but they weren’t cold. They weren’t hard. They were patient. They were calm. They were the gravity Jackson needed to stop his brain from spinning out of control.

"Jackson…" Jinyoung repeated, softer this time. "Did you lie ?"

"I didn’t want you to make fun of me." Jackson mumbled, dropping his head

Jinyoung put both his hands on the sides of Jackson’s head, letting out a short laugh.

"Jackson…" he said forcing their eyes to meet again

He was smiling. That threw Jackson off.

"You had a great topic, but you were afraid I’d find ridiculous, so you came up with another great topic on the spot ?" he laughed

Jackson bit his lip. Jinyoung ruffled his hair.

"Disney songs are so much better than national anthems." he said. "If you had told me, I think I would have framed your essay in my room as soon as you finished it."

Jackson almost burst out laughing, but started sobbing at the same time, so what came out was a strangled, ugly cry. Jinyoung didn’t make fun of it, though, he just caught him in his arms, switched off the heat of the tea, and led them both to Jackson’s bed.

They stayed like that for a while, Jinyoung holding Jackson and Jackson crying silently in the younger’s hoodie, the lines they were supposed to practice forgotten on the kitchen table. 

When Jackson was done crying, Jinyoung changed their positions. He went to pour two cups of tea and came back to the bed, leaning back against the headrest and pulling Jackson against his chest. Jackson let him move him like a puppet. He was too tired to run anyway. He put his cheek against Jinyoung’s shoulder and sipped his tea, without a word, letting his muscles relax with every stroke of Jinyoung’s hands on his back.

"Did you really think I hated you ?" Jinyoung asked softly after they’d been quiet for some time

"It made me sick…" Jackson admitted, feeling the lump in his throat vanish with the hot liquid

"I’m so sorry…"

"It’s not your fault, it’s me."

Jinyoung pulled him closer, holding his head in his hand.

"It’s not you." he said, tears welling up in his eyes too. "It’s hard for me to… express things. I don’t know if that makes sense, but you know how books, how plays, they’re so well written ?"

Jackson nodded against the younger’s chest.

"It’s like characters never have to think about what they want to say…" Jinyoung sighed. "The perfect words, the poetry, just flows out of their mouths like it’s nothing. I’ve read so many great books, so many great quotes, and I still get completely frozen every time I have to say something, you know ?"

"You sound just fine to me." Jackson said softly

Jinyoung laughed and shoved him lightly.

"You know what I mean, stop it. When I try to say something nice, it comes out as sarcastic."

Jackson hums. It made sense. He could remember so many words that came out of Jinyoung’s mouth that his brain spent days and nights dissecting, trying to weed out the harmless from the mean. Maybe none of them had ever been mean. Maybe it was just deadpan delivery, maybe it was inhibition, or maybe it was Jackson being overly insecure.

"Let’s make a deal." Jackson said. "Every time you say something you’re scared I could take the wrong way, just give me a sign, okay ? That way, I know when you’re joking and when you’re not. You know, something that says "that was sincere" or "that wasn’t sarcastic" ?"

Jinyoung looked up at him. Jackson wondered how he could ever had found his eyes cold and impenetrable. They were so wide and true.

"Like what ?" he whispered

Jackson thought for a second.

"I don’t know…" he replied after a while. "Hold my hand maybe ?"

And Jackson was pretty sure he could have spilled all the poetry in the world about the smile Jinyoung gave him in return.

So, that was how a new recurring joke started among their friends. It took them maybe a week at most to notice the new habit him and Jinyoung had, of holding hands at random times, even across the table sometimes. It wasn’t random, Jackson knew, at least it wasn’t at first. After a while though… Yeah. 

One day, Jinyoung wasn’t even talking when Jackson felt his hand wrap around his. He didn’t comment and held it back. 

From that moment, their arrangement was silently broken. There was no rule. Jinyoung held Jackson’s hand while they were walking, while their friends were talking, when Jackson would start furiously ranting about cereal brands or something, or when they would have lunch. They always sat next to each other now. If for any reason, that wasn’t possible, one of them would launch themselves at the other as soon as they left the table, as if to make up for lost time.

"So he doesn’t hate you." Bambam asked one day when they were all sitting at the ice cream place and Jinyoung had gone to get their orders

"Apparently not." Jackson sighed

The others eyed him, confused. Jackson had ended up not telling them what exactly went on between him and Jinyoung in the past few months, and the younger didn’t either. Sure, Jaebeom and Mark had started asking questions, noticing how they used to never stand next to each other and now they had become a two-for-one deal.

And Jackson started to feel something shift inside his body. The moments of suffocating tension were becoming a bit less overwhelming, a bit less frequent. Sure, Jackson still had those times when his brain would spiral out of control with self-deprecating, anxious thoughts, but Jinyoung seemed to have learned how to read Jackson’s eyes, and would put their foreheads together, look straight at Jackson and say "Breathe."

The voice, that once had sounded like Jinyoung, whispering his doubts into his ear turned into a mantra of that one word. Breathe. 

And one day, Jackson found himself breathing again.

That day, was the day before his birthday. He had plans with his friends for the next afternoon, so he wanted to have his work done by the time he went to sleep. He was sitting at his kitchen table, finishing his last essay, when he heard someone knocking at the door. Jackson frowned.

He glanced at the clock on his microwave. It was half past ten. Who was still wandering around on a Tuesday at this hour ?

Jackson put the final period on his essay, put his pen down and bolted across the room to open the door, feeling his thoughts unravel, practicing his lines so he wouldn’t just start stammering like an idiot in front of a stranger.

It wasn’t a stranger, though, it was Jinyoung. His friend had the biggest smile on his face, and was holding a grocery bag. Jackson relaxed, his thoughts calmed down.

"Come in !" Jackson breathed out. "Did you text me you were coming ? I’m sorry I left my phone on silent I—"

"I didn’t text you." Jinyoung grinned wider. "This is a surprise."

Jackson’s eyes widened.

"A surprise ? For me ?"

"I mean… Is it Bambam’s birthday ? Did I get my dates wrong ?"

Jackson shoved him lightly, mumbling to stop teasing him. Jinyoung burst out laughing.

They both sat down at the kitchen table, only separated by Jinyoung’s grocery bag. Jackson felt a chill when he saw the younger was looking at him so closely. He felt heat creeping up his cheeks. Jinyoung’s eyes were so calm. If Jackson was a hurricane, then Jinyoung was the soft breeze that made every morning so much better.

"My birthday is tomorrow though." Jackson whispered, almost scared to shatter the atmosphere

"I know." Jinyoung’s smile had only grown even brighter. "But you’re going to be hogged by everyone else, so I thought this was my chance to spend some time together, just the two of us."

The smile that took over Jackson’s lips was so wide it hurt. He felt his heart about to burst but in a way that didn’t make him feel so low, so broken.

"Well…" Jackson leaned closed across the table. "Here we are."

Jinyoung chuckled softly. He took his grocery bag, rummaged through it, took out a colourful box, then pushed the rest of the bag under the table, where it didn’t stand between the two of them.

"This is for you." he said, looking straight into Jackson’s eyes

Jackson’s face lit up.

"It’s my birthday present ?" he yelped

"Yes."

Jackson didn’t waste one second to open the cardboard box. He gaped at what he saw inside. There were a bunch of homemade cookies, frosted, and decorated with various messages and cute drawings. Jinyoung closed it with one hand and took out another cookie from his pocket, carefully wrapped.

"Those are for tomorrow. This is for today."

Jackson felt as if he was in a weird state between sleep and consciousness, life and death. He felt so numb and so electrified. He reached for the cookie, slowly, mechanically, as if he had to process what was happening.

You’re amazing.

That was the message on the cookie Jinyoung was holding up for him.

"Happy birthday." Jinyoung said, his voice low

Jackson had lost his ability to form words in his mind, on his tongue. Speechless, he reacted on instinct, and got up to cross the space that was separating them to throw himself in the younger’s arms, burying his face into his neck to hide the tears that were starting to flood his cheeks.

Jinyoung held him tighter, and left a peck on the side Jackson’s head.

"I’m sorry for ever making you think you were anything less than that." Jinyoung confessed sadly

Jackson shook his head, but he still couldn’t speak. 

Jinyoung led them backwards towards the bed, and fell down, bringing Jackson down with him. The fall was surprisingly delicate, maybe because the younger was holding him so closely that Jackson couldn’t feel anything other than the beating of their hearts chest to chest.

They laid down, clinging to each other in a mess of limbs like kids not wanting to let go of their best friend.

"You were wrong by the way…" Jackson mumbled when he needed some air after being held so tight. "Your books and your plays taught you very well."

"I don’t think it’s the books…" Jinyoung chuckled

Jackson looked up at him curiously. Jinyoung was biting back his grin, his eyes shining brightly.

"I think you did." Jinyoung said to Jackson’s surprise. "You showed me that we have to pick our words carefully sometimes, because something we think is harmless can actually do a lot of damage."

Jackson nodded. Jinyoung put his cheek on the side of his head, pulling Jackson up so he would almost be lying on top of him.

"And you also taught me that I don’t need big speeches or poetry to say what I think or what I feel."

"Excuse me." Jackson scoffed. "My poetry is perfectly fine, thank you."

Jinyoung burst out laughing.

"I’m sure it is" he giggled. "but that’s not what I meant. I meant that you showed me there are so many ways of saying simple things, or not so simple things, without really having to make grand gestures, you know ?"

Jackson hummed. His eyes were closing, not because he felt numb or sleepy, but because the warmth, the smell of Jinyoung’s clothes, the contact, all of it felt like a soothing cloud wrapping Jackson in its embrace.

"Like for example…" Jinyoung carried on, rocking their bodies back and forth as if he had heard Jackson’s thoughts. "A good luck text means ‘I’m there for you until the end no matter what’ and ‘let’s get a drink’ means ‘I need someone right now’. Or watching fireworks is ‘look, this is home to me’. Right ?"

Jackson opened his eyes to meet Jinyoung’s, that held almost a fearful spark, but one that was far too exhilarated to stop in its tracks. Jackson was curious what that meant.

Jinyoung pointed at the wrapped cookie still in Jackson’s hand, perfectly untouched, and looked straight into his eyes to utter his next words.

"And ‘You’re amazing’ means ‘I love you’."

The loud storm that always raged in Jackson’s brain went quiet. 

For a few moments, it felt like the world had shifted. Like Jackson had landed on his feet, had found gravity again, like he wasn’t free-falling through a typhoon. His heart was steady, breathing was easy. 

It was like ticking the very last box of your checklist. Fitting the missing piece into a puzzle. Like finding the key that made the lock click after trying every single one in the bunch. It was the foundation, the top of the tower and the cornerstone at the same time.

Jinyoung hadn’t moved, but Jackson felt no tension in the younger’s body.

He smiled softly.

"There are so many ways to say ‘I love you’…"

He felt Jinyoung’s breath just against his cheek at his reply.

"Like what ?"

"Like…"

Jackson only paused to look into Jinyoung’s eyes, to be sure the younger would read in them exactly what his words meant.

"Like… You heal my brain."

Jinyoung’s smile was blinding, but still quiet. He put his hand at the back of Jackson’s head and leaned forward, letting his lips brush against Jackson’s brow.

"I’m glad."

Jackson pushed himself up to close the gap between their lips for a light, brief instant. 

"Stay ?" he whispered

"Tonight ?’" Jinyoung chuckled, stealing another kiss

"For as long as you can put up with me."

Jinyoung barked out laughing.

"Well…" he shook his head. "Looks like I’m stuck then."

The veil was lifting again, for the first time in a long while.

Maybe it would take years, or decades for Jackson to not feel the doubts and the lump in his throat anymore, maybe it would never happen. And maybe there would be people along the way who really thought Jackson was stupid, who would say it to his face too. But there was one thing he knew now, one thing he was sure of.

No matter what, in the end, he would be okay.