Work Text:
making sense
Hawk appearing in BJ's bed is not surprising. How much of a comfort it is, how much BJ misses it on nights Frank is around, is also not especially surprising, although it is (or maybe should be) a little worrying.
Both how much he wants more and how much he's so satisfied with what can only be called cuddling, though? That surprises him every time. When Frank disappears to go see Margaret, he listens out for movement from Hawk's cot, half hopeful and half afraid, and so far every night they've had to themselves, Hawkeye has crept over and slipped in beside him for at least a few minutes, often the whole night.
They haven't talked about it; BJ has no idea what he'd say. The closest they've come is Hawkeye making a sleepy joke about blanket hogging and BJ responding with a quiet chuckle. They talk about other things, but never the elephant in the room of how they're sharing BJ's cot.
Peg, by some miracle, is still as loving as ever, and if BJ understands her as he hopes and thinks he does, has forgiven a lot more than BJ needs forgiveness for. He's sure he doesn't deserve her trust, but he's grateful for it all the same.
(He wishes he could introduce her to Hawkeye. Whatever guilt and confusion he's still wrestling is mostly due to the feeling that Peggy is missing out on Hawkeye almost as much as BJ is missing out on Erin. He won't write that to her - it seems ridiculous even to him - but the feeling is as undeniable as it is preposterous.)
So they lie here in BJ's cot, and BJ wonders how his life became so odd and confusing in such a short time.
Hawk slips a hand into his, and it's simultaneously completely innocent and yet terribly intimate. BJ laces their fingers together, Hawk relaxes into his body, and it's so peaceful.
It's hard to imagine that this is dangerous in any way. BJ knows it, on a purely intellectual level: Frank is an ass and a bigot who hates them, and the army takes a dim view of anything perceived to be outside the norm or - God forbid - queer. A dishonourable discharge will do nothing for their long term job prospects in the States; any whiff of 'perversion' could torpedo their entire lives.
In his gut, though, it's the safest and most comfortable BJ has felt since he left Peggy behind. He imagines what it might be like to be at home with Peg's head on one shoulder and Hawkeye's on the other, Erin curled up on his knee. How does someone he's known such a short time somehow fit so seamlessly into his idea of home?
It's a question he can't possibly answer in this war-torn corner of Korea after hours in the OR elbow deep in blood and guts. He's foolish even to try.
Hawkeye nuzzles in closer as he falls asleep; BJ gives up on trying to make sense of it, drops a kiss on Hawk's forehead, and allows his own exhaustion to swallow him whole.
~ fin ~