Archive of Our Own

Sylvain’s eyes trail over the page of his textbook before he flips to the next page and starts scanning that one. He’s lost count of how many times he’s scanned the same few pages of this particular section of the textbook, at this point. But he’s quite certain that it’s been enough times, now, that the diagrams are completely embedded into the backs of his eyelids. He could do this work in his sleep.

It’s Sunday night and he’s bored and hadn’t gone out all weekend; grounded, supposedly, for getting poor marks in math. His father wanted him to stay in and study, but Sylvain knew that if he had really wanted to go out—had there been an interesting enough reason to go out—he wouldn’t have gotten much more than a lecture about making sure that he got those grades back up or there would be more serious consequences.

Which, reasonably, he could do with very little effort. He just had to ace the upcoming test. Once it was in front of him, he was fine. It wasn’t his fault that the teacher wrote so damn small on the board in the front of the room. And asking to be moved up to the front meant that he couldn’t get away with texting when he was bored. So he would just stick to doing the homework and acing the test. Easy peasy.

Sylvain’s phone dings with a message alert. He glances down at the screen and rolls his eyes.

    Ingrid: Did you see the post? 

It’s Ingrid again. She’s been obsessed with the school secrets blog for a few weeks now. Keeps urging him to check it out when something she finds interesting pops up. Not that he particularly cares, but it’s a nice break from studying, which he doesn’t even want to do.

    Sylvain: You’re seriously obsessed with that blog, Ing. What post?

He sends the message and then glances back at his textbook. Goddess, it was so boring. Maybe he could call it a night and just play video games. Except he was pretty sure that Miklan was home and the last thing he needed was for Miklan to hear the sound of the games and come in and fuck with his shit. Again.

The notification of Ingrid’s reply pulls Sylvain from his head and he breathes out a laugh, shaking his head.

    Ingrid: Shut up! It’s interesting!

Sylvain opens the conversation again to reply with some playful teasing, but then he gets another message from Ingrid.

    Ingrid: About the closeted gay kid at school.

Sylvain knows that it’s the answer to the question that he had asked, but the message has him pausing, fingers hovering over the keyboard as any teasing dies before his fingers can hit a single button.

What?

Setting his phone aside, Sylvain pushes himself up from his bed and walks over to where his laptop sits on his desk, running his fingers over the trackpad as he gets himself settled in his desk chair. Sylvain types in his password, clicks on his browser icon, and then clicks on the icon for the blog in his frequently visited sites list.

Sure enough, the post in question is the first thing at the top of the blog.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m stuck on the teacup ride. Everything is spinning around and around so rapidly; faces blur together; the pressure keeps me in place, but I’m still scared that all the spinning will throw me out of the cup, sometimes. Yet it keeps rotating and spinning, regardless, day in and day out, and I don’t go spilling over the side. Sure, a lot of my life is great. But no one knows that I’m gay.
–White

Hazel eyes focus on the last word of the paragraph for a moment before he lets out a shaky exhale and reads it again.

The message bubble appears at the top right corner of the laptop—Ingrid again. It pulls Sylvain’s attention away, for a moment.

    Ingrid: Who do you think it is?

Sylvain almost ignores it, but another appears.

    Ingrid: What about that guy in third period? With the glasses! I get a vibe…

Sylvain sighs and clicks the notification.

    Sylvain: I dunno. Gotta get back to studying. Old man is pissed.

    Ingrid: Study hard! Get those grades up!

    Sylvain: Yeah, yeah. I will. Just you watch.

Then Sylvain is switching back to his internet browser and staring at the post again. And then leaning back and looking at the ceiling with a sigh. And then looking at the post again. And then turning his head to look out the window. 

Wow. This is… Well, it’s a lot to take in, for Sylvain. It’s a lot to think about. And, boy, is he thinking about it.

Sylvain clenches his jaw and then relaxes it as he looks back at the post. His eyes flick up to the email address in the corner. wh1terabb1t(at)qmail(dot)com.

Opening another tab, Sylvain quickly types in qmail and stares at the ‘create an account’ page. His eyes flick around his room as he tries to decide what to pick as an email address and then land on one of his favorite novels, Anne of Green Gables . Fingers hover over the keyboard and eyes flick back to the little box. Well, it would do. And they’d both have colors in their email addresses. That was fine, right?

His heart hammers in his chest as he creates the account and switches back to the tab with the Fhirdiad Secrets post. Sylvain clicks the email address and it makes the qmail tab pop back up with the box for him to send a new email.

For the subject, Sylvain just awkwardly types in ‘ hey’. Then he’s staring at the box to type his message. He has to tell himself not to chicken out, even as he stands up and paces around his room. He drags his hands down his face. He’s going to do this. He’s really going to do this. Even if his chest feels unbearably tight. Finally, Sylvain sits back down, fingers coming up and tapping awkwardly against the top of his desk next to where his laptop sits. He’s going to do this. Time to stop thinking and start writing.

Dear White,
I’m just like you. For the most part, my life is pretty normal. My father is kind of strict and has high expectations for me, but he has an important job and an image to maintain. My mother is a sweet woman who probably deserves better than my father. My brother is kind of an ass, but I manage. He’s not home as often, anyway, these days. And then, there’s my friends… I’ve known the three of them since practically the beginning of time. Okay, well, not really, but it’s been long enough. We do everything friends do: drink way too much iced coffee, watch bad nineties movies, just hang out at the local diner while dreaming of graduating and moving to a city with a better selection of places to hang out (and better food). And we have each other’s backs. Always.
So like I said, I’m just like you. My life is perfectly normal. Except I have one huge ass secret.

Sylvain finds himself hung up on the closing. How was he going to sign off on this? He couldn’t use his real name. So maybe he could do the same thing as White had.

– Green

And then he hits send.

Another deep sigh is exhaled as Sylvain closes the top of his laptop. He really did it. Yeah. It was… done.

——

Monday morning rolls around, as it usually does, with the alarm on Sylvain’s phone going off. He hits the button to shut the alarm off and just lies there for a moment, until he hears his father’s annoying bird making noises from downstairs, demanding to be fed. Then his phone makes a different noise and Sylvain sits up in bed, grabbing the phone and tapping on the ‘new email’ notification. He groans softly to himself as he sees that it’s just an automated message welcoming him to his new account. Fantastic.

With that, Sylvain rushes around to get himself dressed and ready for school. Clothes, teeth, hair, shoes, another glance at his hair, jacket, backpack, grabbing breakfast while dodging his brother, kissing his mother on the cheek, and then he’s off, climbing into the lightly used car that his parents had gotten him for his 16th birthday.

First stop, Dimitri’s house. 

Dimitri slides into the back seat, as he usually does, when Sylvain pulls up in front of his house. “So I had this wild dream last night,” Dimitri starts, once the door is closed.

“Again with the dreams, huh?” Sylvain teases. “I think you watch too much reality TV with your father.” It isn’t the first time Sylvain has said as much. He watches Dimitri pout from the rearview mirror, then pulls away from the curb. Ingrid next.

“Anyway,” Dimitri continues, “my father had surprised me with a trip to a tropical island and it was cool and exciting. The sky was really pretty, actually. But then he handed me a surfboard and told me that he had entered me into a surfing competition.”

Sylvain laughs. “Do you even know how to surf?”

“No!” Dimitri exclaims, exasperated. “That’s the problem! I have no idea how to surf!”

“It does sound like something your father would do, though. He’s pretty unpredictable.” Sylvain pulls up in front of Ingrid’s house and she gets into the passenger’s seat.

Dimitri sighs and shakes his head. “That’s the thing. It does seem like something he would do. So now I’m entered into this surfing competition with no idea how to surf and—”

Ingrid cuts him off with a soft huff of a sigh. “Dimitri, please. No dream analysis until after iced coffee. We’ve spoken about this.” Despite that, her tone is playful.

Dimitri pouts a bit while Sylvain laughs and pulls away from the curb, heading to their next stop, the nearby coffee shop.

“Oh, make sure to order one unsweetened, for Felix,” Dimitri chimes as they pull up to place their order.

“You spoil him, Dimitri,” Sylvain says, then turns his head to place the order. Four iced coffees, one unsweetened.

“What? It’s not difficult to remember that he doesn’t like sweet things…” Dimitri replies.

Ingrid rolls her eyes. But then she goes and does something similar. “Maybe we should start buying something for Glenn, too. He’s probably exhausted from those zero-period classes.”

“Really, Ingrid?” Sylvain retorts with a laugh. “Glenn has been an overachiever since he was in diapers. Glenn will be fine.”

Ingrid scoffs, but makes no further comment. Dimitri looks amused from his spot in the back seat.

Once the iced coffee is acquired, Sylvain heads to their last stop before school, Felix’s house. Were it not for Glenn’s zero-period classes, Felix would probably be riding to school with Glenn. Last year, Felix had ridden with Glenn and would knock back out for an hour on his desk in his homeroom while he waited for school to actually start. He was grateful when Sylvain got his license.

Sylvain pulls up in front of Felix’s house and Felix looks mildly annoyed as he climbs into the backseat next to Dimitri, but that was Felix’s default state, so Sylvain just greets him with the usual, “Good morning, Sunshine~”

Felix rolls his eyes and opens his mouth to retort, but Dimitri shoves Felix’s iced coffee in his face and Felix sips. Then he relaxes and takes the cup, sitting back.

“Nice save, D!” Sylvain cheers.

Dimitri shoots Sylvain a flat look via rearview mirror. Sylvain’s grin widens. Then Dimitri is launching into his recount of his dream from last night before anyone can cut him off again.

“And then I woke up…” Dimitri finishes as Sylvain turns into the parking lot in front of the school.

“That’s it?” Ingrid asks. “All that and you just… wake up?”

Dimitri shrugs. “Yeah.”

Felix hums and stirs the ice at the bottom of his cup, trying to excavate the last bit of coffee. “You need to stop letting fear rule your life. Stop thinking. Just do.”

Sylvain’s eyebrows shoot up. Just do. Easier said than done.

Dimitri pouts slightly. “Just do? But what if I can’t do it..?”

Felix scoffs, but Ingrid hums thoughtfully and decides to contribute before Felix can make a snippy remark. “Maybe it’s like… you don’t know what you’re capable of until you try. So if you keep worrying about whether or not you’ll fail and you never try, you’ll never know if you actually can.”

“Thank you, Ingrid,” Felix comments, indicating that what she just said is exactly what he meant.

“Oh, hmm,” Dimitri nods and considers this. “That does make sense.”

“There you go, Dimitri. Our expert dream analysis team has solved yet another of your problems,” Sylvain comments as he pulls into a parking spot.

Once they’re out of the car, Felix slaps Sylvain on the arm before walking ahead. Sylvain laughs. Felix had obviously been wanting to do that but had been waiting until Sylvain wasn’t driving to do so. So considerate.

By the time Sylvain is in math, he’s bouncing his leg under his desk while trying not to fidget in his seat. Without the distraction of friends and banter, his mind wanders to the email and whether or not White has replied. He should be making an effort, he knows, but he’s so distracted.

The teacher asks a question and Sylvain’s hand shoots up. “Yes, Sylvain?” the teacher asks.

“Can I go to the bathroom?” Sylvain asks quickly.

The teacher blinks. “Oh. Well, sure.”

“Thanks,” Sylvain replies before shooting up out of his seat and walking out the door and out into the hallway. Then he’s practically running for the bathroom.

He locks himself into a stall before pulling out his phone. No mail. Great.

By the time lunch rolls around, Sylvain is still just as distracted, spacing out as everyone at his table continues their conversations. At least, he is until Glenn is waving a hand in his face.

“Sylvaaaain…” he calls, snapping Sylvain out of his daze.

“Huh?” Sylvain blinks and turns his head to look at Glenn.

Glenn quirks an eyebrow. “Can I steal some of your fries?”

“Oh, yeah, sure.” Sylvain nods. He’s barely touched his food, he realizes.

Glenn winks. “Thanks.” Then he reaches over to grab some.

“I’m telling you, the Enbarr Eagles score so many goals because they shave their legs,” Christophe says, continuing his conversation with Dimitri.

“I’m not shaving my legs…” Dimitri replies, skeptical.

“It makes their kicks more aerodynamic.” Christophe takes a bite of his burger.

“We can just do more shooting drills, Chris,” Glenn finally pipes up. “A few people need to work on shooting under pressure, anyway.”

“Oh, come on, it was one time!” Christophe says.

“And you completely missed the goal, man…”

Dimitri laughs softly and sips his water to hide it.

Sylvain slips his phone from his pocket to check his emails. No service. Fuck. Fuck . Great. “Why is there no cell reception at this school?” he mutters. Then he’s getting up, not paying attention to any of the eyes on him as he heads out of the cafeteria to search for reception.

“Mister Gautier,” Vice Principal Seteth says as he walks over and plucks the phone from Sylvain’s hand. “What are you doing? You can’t text in the halls. You know better.”

“R-Right…” Sylvain replies awkwardly. “Um, won’t happen again… So if I could just—” He reaches for his phone.

“No, no.” Seteth pulls the phone out of Sylvain’s reach. “Unfortunately, I’m going to have to hold onto this until after play practice. But you can come get it back from me afterwards.”

“Ah…” Sylvain’s eyes flick from the phone to Seteth’s face.

“Have a good day being unplugged, Mister Gautier,” Seteth says as he turns to walk away.

Sylvain sighs in defeat. Well, this sucks.

——

After pressure from his father to join some kind of extracurricular activity, Sylvain had settled on the drama club. Dimitri, Felix, and Glenn were on the soccer team, but Sylvain didn’t really find it all that appealing. Practices ran long and he’d have to participate in the games on the weekends. Plus, Glenn was the star player and Sylvain couldn’t see himself shining a candle to that . Felix was already being trained to replace Glenn after he graduated. Dimitri was a beast as a defender. Their goalie, Dedue, was like a human wall. Sylvain couldn’t see himself fitting into that dynamic.

How had Sylvain ended up in drama club instead of a sport, then? Well, that was Felix’s fault. Annette, a freshman, had been standing outside during the second week of school, singing some song about needed to recruit members. Felix had been drawn in like a sailor to a siren and dragged Sylvain down with him.

“You don’t even like theater!” Sylvain had remarked.

Felix had shrugged. “So? I can still give it a try.”

Sylvain’s eyebrows had furrowed as he looked over Felix’s face. He brought a hand up to touch Felix’s forehead.

Felix quickly smacked it away before he could make contact, though. “What are you doing ?”

“Checking to see if you have a fever. Duh.”

Felix glowered.

Sylvain did, however, like theater. And once he got more comfortable with the drama club, he’d actually started to enjoy it. Felix had dropped out, though, when he realized the club activities interfered with the soccer season. Sylvain stuck around, even after Felix left. Also, Annette was kind of cool. Felix had good instincts, Sylvain decided.

——

Even without his phone, though, Sylvain is distracted all through practice. He spent most of the day counting down the hours and minutes until he could check his emails.

“Hey, Annie, what time is it?” Sylvain asks between songs.

Annette pouts, then sighs. “Ten minutes since the last time you asked. Go.” She waves him off.

Sylvain shoots her a grateful grin before running off to retrieve his phone from the Vice Principal’s office.

Seteth looks up from his desk as Sylvain enters his office. “Ah, Mister Gautier.”

“Hey~” Sylvain greets, walking closer. “I’m just here for my phone.”

“Of course you are.” Seteth pulls open one of the drawers of his desk and reaches inside. “How’d you enjoy being unplugged?”

“Oh, it… it was great,” Sylvain replies. Yeah. Great.

“Good, good. I know that I’m hard on you, but it’s only because I have faith in you. You can do great things.”

Sylvain just nods. “Mmhmm.” He’s heard that from his father enough times. He doesn’t need to hear it from anyone else.

Seteth nods, as well, and then offers Sylvain his phone back. “Don’t text and drive.”

“Uh, yes, sir,” Sylvain says, slipping his phone into his pocket and stepping back toward the door. He only waits until Seteth looks back down at his work before he’s turning and heading out of the office and toward the front of the school.

Sylvain pulls his phone out of his pocket again once he’s outside of the school building, then he makes a beeline for his car.

New message from wh1terabb1t(at)qmail(dot)com is displayed as a notification on his phone.

Yes. Yes. White replied. He closes his car door and settles in while staring at the notification, stupid smile on his face. He opens the notification and unlocks his phone.

A secret, huh? Is it the same as my secret? If it is, when did you know? And have you told anyone?
White.

A car horn honking cuts Sylvain’s thoughts off. He looks behind him. Someone is waiting for his spot. Great. He puts his phone aside and buckles himself in so he can pull out of the spot and drive home.

——

Sylvain heads straight up to his room as soon as he gets home, closing and locking the door behind him. He’s pretty sure that no one else is home, but he’s not sure. He doesn’t need Miklan entering his room uninvited.

His backpack is tossed over by his desk and he shrugs his jacket off, hanging that on the back of the desk chair. Then he grabs his laptop and heads over to his bed with it, lounging across the bed and opening the laptop at the same time.

No, White, I haven’t told anyone. I guess I kind of have a pretty good reason, though. My family is kind of… conservative. Well, my father more than anyone else. If I told my mother, I doubt she’d make a big deal about it, but still, it’s difficult. I mean, Fhirdiad High’s resident out-gay kid seems to be doing fine. When Yuri came out, no one even cared. But I’m pretty sure that’s because he seems like the kind of guy to knife you if you questioned him.

As for when I knew I was gay, it was a bunch of little things… Like this one recurring dream I kept having about Daniel von Radcliffe. And then proceeded to have every night for a month. I was obsessed with Panic! at the Disco. Then I realized, it really wasn’t about the music. And then, after like three girlfriends and feeling really uncomfortable, it kind of clicked that girls weren’t really my thing. Not my proudest moment.

How about you? How did you know?
Green.

Sylvain hits send and leans back in the bed, staring at the ceiling for a moment. This was really happening.

——

The next reply comes while Sylvain is in the shower. He reaches out to grab it off his towel to read it. Maybe he’s a little attached to his phone. Just a little.

Green, don’t worry. If your proudest moment happened in middle school, that would be pretty sad. For me, it’s a little more complicated, I think. I kind of always assumed that most people had little to no interest in anyone and that people just dated for fun or because they didn’t want to be lonely. But it kind of hit me one night, when I was sitting around with some buddies, watching Game of Thrones. They were all holding their breath waiting to see the Dragon Princess’s boobs. But I was just looking forward to seeing Jon Snow. It just kind of clicked, then. I’ve never told that to anyone before.
White.

Sylvain smiles to himself and sets his phone aside to finish showering. Once he’s done, however, he’s back on his laptop to reply.

Well, I’ve never told anyone about my Daniel von Radcliffe phase, so now we’re even. And for the record, I think Jon Snow is an excellent choice for your sexual awakening. So, I guess if I want to find you at school, I just have to look for the Game of Thrones fanatic.
Green.

——

And Sylvain does, in fact, look for the Game of Thrones fanatic in the hallways at school, the next day. But there are apparently a lot more people than Sylvain had expected who are into Game of Thrones. He counts at least three Jon Snow t-shirts alone. White certainly wasn’t going to make this easy on him.

——

I was just listening to that M83 song “Reunion,” and it made me think of you. You’ll probably think my music taste is lame. I only really listen to my music when I’m alone in my car. When other people are around, they all take over my bluetooth speaker and I kind of just let them. It’s kind of strange to tell these things to someone. Some of these things I’ve told you are things I’ve never talked about with anyone. There’s something about you that makes me want to open up. And that’s slightly terrifying for me.
White.

——

So I was thinking… maybe I should be Jon Snow for Halloween. What about you? Who are you gonna be?
Green.

I’m not dressing up. For me, Halloween is all about the Oreos with the orange frosting in the middle.
White.

Sylvain is grinning to himself while he finds a picture of the Halloween Oreos to add to his email to White when suddenly there’s a loud knock on his bedroom door. Sylvain startles and looks up, glad he locked his door.

“Hey, brat, our old man wants to see you,” Miklan’s voice calls through the door.

Sylvain puts his laptop aside and sighs. “Why? I’m kind of busy...”

“Doing what?” Miklan asks, sounding annoyed. “I don’t fucking know. Just go see him.”

The doorknob jiggles and Sylvain feels uneasy. He gets up and unlocks the door, pulling it open. “This better not be some bullshit, Miklan…” Sylvain mutters.

Miklan’s eyes narrow and Sylvain feels the hair on the back of his neck stand up. Sylvain slides past him and heads downstairs to see what his father wants.

Miklan watches Sylvain go and then turns his head back to glance around Sylvain’s room. What had his little brother been so busy doing that he didn’t want to be pulled away from? He steps inside and the light from the partially-open laptop on Sylvain’s bed draws him in like a moth to a flame. He pulls it open completely and is met with the email that Sylvain had been writing. Then Miklan helps himself to viewing the rest of Sylvain’s email exchange with this ‘White.’

——

“Here are your burnt tater tots, because you have horrible taste,” Ingrid says at lunch the next day as he puts said tater tots on Sylvain’s tray.

“Here’s your green banana because you like disgusting things,” he replies and puts the banana on her tray.

“You guys are so weird,” Felix comments with a sigh.

Sylvain gives a casual shrug and pulls a package of Oreos out of his pocket.

“Oreos,” Glenn points out as he sits down. “Good choice, Gautier. I love Oreos. Can’t wait for them to put the Halloween ones on the shelf. They’re the best.”

Sylvain kind of stares for a moment. “Yeah,” he replies.

“So guys, I have great news,” Christophe cuts in. “My aunt’s boyfriend just took off with her car and all her jewelry.”

“Christophe, that’s horrible!” Dimitri says.

“I know, but it’s like the third time this shit has happened to her,” Christophe explains.

“Ah, she has shit taste in men,” Felix says.

Christophe nods. “Basically. But anyway, my dad is going down to help her deal with it and he’s taking my two youngest siblings with him. So Ashe and I get to throw a Halloween party.”

Glenn gives Christophe a look. “Ashe?”

“What?” Christophe raises an eyebrow.

“Throw a party? Ashe? Bookworm Ashe?”

Christophe rolls his eyes. “Okay, so I’m throwing a party and bribing Ashe to tolerate it and not rat me out.”

Glenn breathes out a laugh. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

“Well, thank you, Christophe’s dumbass aunt. And thank you, Ashe, for being bribable,” Sylvain says. He could use a good party.

“Fuck yeah. We have a karaoke machine and everything!” Christophe adds.

Chatter about the party spreads across the table while Christophe gets up to tell everyone else about the party. Glenn shakes his head with a grin and starts on his food.

Sylvain’s eyes linger on Glenn for a moment before he focuses on his own food.

Later on, in the one class that Sylvain happens to have with Glenn, Sylvain’s eyes keep shifting to steal glances at him. He can’t help but picture Glenn as he thinks about White’s most recent reply.

Very relieved that we’re in agreement on Oreos. That would have been a deal-breaker for me. On a totally different, non-cookie related note… is it weird that I have no idea what you look like, but I can’t stop thinking about kissing you?

Sylvain’s cheeks heat up. He’d never thought about Glenn like that before, but now that he is, he certainly doesn’t mind the thought of kissing him. Does he want to kiss Glenn? He’s known Glenn for as long as he’s known Dimitri and Felix and Ingrid. Glenn has always been someone that his younger friends idolize. Sylvain made it a point to not do that. In fact, Sylvain had almost seen Glenn as competition, at one point. But now that Glenn could possibly be the person at the other end of those emails, Sylvain’s opinion on the senior was starting to shift.

“Sylvain. Sylvain?” the teacher’s voice calls.

Sylvain’s eyes shift and he sits up straight, looking at the teacher.

“Eyes on your own test.”

Sylvain nods and looks back down at his desk. Still, he can’t stop himself from stealing another glance at Glenn.

——

When Sylvain gets home, he notices an unfamiliar pickup truck in the driveway and his eyebrows furrow. Whose car was that?

He gets inside and hears Miklan’s voice from the kitchen. Then he hears another person’s voice. Sylvain quietly closes the door behind him then carefully makes his way upstairs to his room. He doesn’t want to attract Miklan’s attention.

About an hour later, the front door closes and Sylvain pushes his chair back to look out the window. He sees the guy climb into the pickup truck and pull out of the driveway. Miklan, unfortunately, isn’t with him. Which meant Miklan was still here. Fantastic.

Sylvain shakes his head and pulls his chair back over to his desk to keep working on homework. And then there’s a knock at his door. Sylvain almost jumps again, but that happens almost anytime someone knocks on his door. His mother is the only one with a gentle knock. Miklan and his father aren’t gentle. They sound like they want to break the door down when they knock.

“What do you want, Miklan?” Sylvain calls.

“Open up,” is Miklan’s short reply.

“Oh, are you fucking kidding me…” Sylvain mutters under his breath. “Why?” he calls back.

“Just open the fucking door, brat,” miklan snaps.

Sylvain is just nervous enough to oblige. He gets up and unlocks the door, pulling it open only slightly.

That doesn’t matter, however, because Miklan takes that as an invitation to shove the door the rest of the way open. Sylvain steps back just in time for the door to avoid hitting him in the head. Miklan walks past him and stands in the middle of his room, arms crossed over his chest. Sylvain looks at him, looks away, looks back at him. “Come in, I guess…” he mumbles.

“I know your secret, brat, and if you don’t want anyone else finding out, you’re going to do me a favor,” Miklan says after a beat of silence.

Sylvain feels his stomach drop and his chest tighten. “What..?” he asks, staring with wide eyes.

“Your emails.”

Sylvain’s mind reels as he tries and fails to come up with a way to play this off. How? How had Miklan found out? Had he told anyone yet? What did Miklan want him to do?

“Holy fuck, you good-for-nothing, can you at least try to keep up?” Miklan snaps.

Sylvain blinks and shakes his head. “Wh-what do you mean? What do you want ?”

Miklan grits his teeth. “You’re gonna cover for me. If I tell you something and our old man asks where I am, you tell him what I told you.”

“And if I don’t..?” Sylvain tries.

Miklan takes a step toward him and Sylvain arms come up instinctually to protect himself. Miklan laughs. “That’s what I fucking thought, you little shit.”

Sylvain can’t look at Miklan. But still, he has to ask. “If you can just beat me into doing what you want, why do you need blackmail?”

Miklan clicks his tongue. “To keep your ass in line. I don’t need you running to our old man and telling him that I’m a liar.”

Sylvain doesn’t care what Miklan does, though. If Miklan wants to sneak out and do illegal shit, that’s on him. Sylvain doesn’t want to be involved . But of course Miklan saw him as the enemy and needed leverage over him. Of fucking course.

“Whatever,” Sylvain mutters.

“Good. Because I’m sure our old man would do worse than anything I’ve ever done to you if he found out that you were a fucking fag.”

Sylvain feels a cold chill go down his spine. He doesn’t even want to think of what his father would do to him.

Miklan shoves past him, then, exiting Sylvain’s room and leaving him alone with his thoughts. Goddess, he feels like shit. He really needed that party this weekend.

——

When the next email comes through during dinner that night, Sylvain claims that he’s full, excuses himself, and says that he’s going to go on a walk. His mother gives him a concerned look but his father just nods. Sylvain gets up and grabs a jacket before heading out.

Green, I have to get something off my chest. The other day, you asked me what I was wearing for Halloween and I said that I wasn’t dressing up. I lied. Truth is, I didn’t want you to know what I was wearing because I don’t want you to know who I am. Right now, these emails, they feel like this totally safe place. I’m just not ready for my whole world to change, despite the pressure. Or maybe because of the pressure. I’m not entirely sure. But I hope you understand.

Sylvain stares at his phone as he walks. Yeah, unfortunately, he does understand. He understands too much. The emails had been like a sanctuary before Miklan went and found out. And now Sylvain can’t tell White about it. If White knew, he might disappear.

His feet carry him to the playground a few blocks from his house. He goes and sits on the seat of the swing. How many times had he played here with his friends as a kid? How many times had he spent the night here because his brother had kicked his ass and threatened to do worse if he told their father? Of course, their father always found out, anyway. But still. When Felix came out to him—like officially came out, not just stubbornly and childishly declared that he was a boy and dressed up in Glenn’s old clothes—they had been sitting on the swings together late one night. It makes sense that he’d find himself here.

For a moment, Sylvain considers calling Felix and telling him everything. Felix would understand. But Sylvain hesitates. Just like White, Sylvain wasn’t ready for his whole world to change. Telling someone meant that everything would change. Sylvain’s head hurts.

Yes, White, I understand, he sends.

——

Sylvain is on high alert after that, but he’s grateful that Miklan doesn’t bother him during the days leading up to the Halloween party. He just wants to spend time with his friends in peace.

Saturday evening, Sylvain meets up with Ingrid and the two of them walk to Dimitri’s house. Dimitri’s step-sister answers the door and rolls her eyes as Felix’s voice echoes from upstairs.

“I’m sure that you can find them,” Edelgard says.

Ingrid gives her a sympathetic look and says “Thank you” as they enter. They both head upstairs to Dimitri’s room. The space between said room and the bathroom across the hall is covered with pieces of clothing.

“Hey, nice decorating,” Sylvain calls. “I didn’t know the theme for this year’s haunted house was ‘Haunted Laundromat.”

Ingrid elbows Sylvain in the ribs, but she’s grinning.

“Eh? Huh? You thought that was funny? Huh?” Sylvain says, nudging her.

Ingrid clicks her tongue and shoves him just as Dimitri peeks out of the bathroom.

“Hello… Sorry. We’re… struggling with the last pieces of our costumes…” Dimitri murmurs.

Felix makes a frustrated noise from Dimitri’s room.

“You both look really nice, though..!” Dimitri says, looking over Sylvain and Ingrid’s cowboy costumes. And then he disappears behind the door fame again.

“Can those two do anything without fighting?” Sylvain whispers to Ingrid.

Ingrid shakes her head. “I’m actually quite certain that it is impossible, at this point.”

Once Felix and Dimitri are finally dressed in their Kyphon and Loog costumes—which Felix had insisted were Dimitri’s idea—the group takes a rideshare to Christophe’s place. They let themselves in and are greeted by Christophe and Glenn, who are hanging out in the doorway to the sitting room.

“Hey, hey~” Christophe says, reaching out to pull Dimitri into a high-five-hug-thing. “Look who’s here~” It’s pretty obvious that he’s already started drinking.

Glenn just gives a nod. “‘Sup.”

Sylvain feels his mouth go dry. “Yeah, hey. Sup,” he manages.

Ingrid’s face lights up, though, at the sight of Glenn, and she starts chattering away to him. Glenn nods along and takes a sip from his cup.

Felix rolls his eyes and bumps Sylvain with his hip to get his attention. That’s when Sylvain realizes that he was staring. “Huh?”

“I feel crowded already. Let’s go somewhere,” Felix says.

Sylvain swallows and nods. “Yeah, let’s, uh, do that…” A strange mix of dread and guilt settle in his chest.

“Drinks are in the kitchen,” Glenn says before returning his attention back to Ingrid.

Christophe lets Dimitri go and he trails after Felix and Sylvain, clearly nervous about being at a party. Thankfully, it’s less noisy and less crowded in the kitchen. Dimitri seems to breathe again.

Felix picks up a cup and takes a sip, scrunching his nose up a bit. Sylvain grabs one, too. Dimitri eyes the cups warily.

“You don’t have to drink, remember?” Felix comments. Dimitri just nods. Felix rolls his eyes. “Christophe said that if this is too overwhelming, then you can go sit with Ashe in the theater in the basement. Don’t make yourself miserable trying to be like everyone else.”

Sylvain takes a big sip of his drink—damn, it’s strong. Even if that advice was aimed at Dimitri, it still kind of applied to him and that made him nervous. Why was he so nervous lately? It was so unlike him. Ever since this ‘White’ thing happened, Sylvain has felt so awkward and out of place. Man, he really needs to makeout with someone. Part of him really wants to kiss White, whoever he is, but his self-preservation demands that he finds a pretty girl to kiss.

After downing the rest of his cup, Sylvain grabs a second one and disappears into the crowd. The rest of the night kind of blurs, from that point. He vaguely recalls going to the bathroom, at some point, and having to kick out the couple making out on the vanity so that he could take a leak. And before that, he definitely played beer pong with Christophe, Glenn, and another senior whose name Sylvain couldn’t remember. He might have even wound up singing karaoke with someone. He’s pretty sure that it had been a duet.

At some point, however, this senior girl—whose name he’s not sure he even got —started dancing with him. She was dressed as a sexy animal of some sort. He only knows that because he remembers accidentally snagging her tail while making out with her after she led him upstairs into an empty bedroom and practically shoved him onto the bed before crawling into his lap.

The worst part, though, is the cold dread of being interrupted—because she forgot to lock the door, apparently—and Sylvain pulling away to make eye contact with none other than Glenn.

“Damn, sorry. I, uh, didn’t think anyone was in here,” he murmurs.

Sylvain just kind of stares, mind forgetting how to work. Glenn shuts the door and leaves before Sylvain’s brain catches up to him. The girl tries to coax him back into making out, but Sylvain pulls back and pushes her off of him. She says something, clearly offended, but Sylvain is already off the bed and out of the room. He feels sick to his stomach. Where was the bathroom again?

——

His throbbing head wakes him up the next morning. He’s not sure if he ever made it to the bathroom or not, but he’s not wearing his clothes and he’s not in his bed. Thankfully, he recognizes the bedroom as Dimitri’s, or else Sylvain is quite certain he would have had a panic attack right then and there. There’s a note under a glass of water and a bottle of painkillers on the nightstand. Good morning, dumbass is written in Felix’s scratchy handwriting. Sylvain doesn’t question it, he just takes a couple painkillers and drinks the whole glass of water. He wonders, briefly, where Dimitri and Felix are. But a quick look at the clock indicates that it’s already noon. It makes sense that they’re not in bed, still.

When the headache subsides enough, Sylvain throws his jeans on and heads downstairs for some food. Edelgard looks back at him as he reaches the bottom of the stairs. “He’s awake,” she calls.

“No shit,” Felix retorts from the kitchen.

“Thank you, El!” Dimitri calls.

Sylvain kind of waves at Edelgard and she turns back to the TV. Then he heads into the kitchen. “Heeeey, guys…” he tries, sounding less enthused than he intended.

“Good morning, dumbass,” Felix says.

“Ah, Felix, always a pleasure. I got the memo, though.”

Felix shrugs and finishes spreading butter on the top half a toasted bagel. Dimitri sighs. “Good morning, Sylvain.”

“D, sometimes I think you’re the only one who cares about me…” Sylvain says dramatically, taking a seat at the island.

Felix snorts, puts the bagel top on the breakfast sandwich he was building, and slides it in front of Sylvain. “Good thing you joined the drama club, because you’re so fucking dramatic.”

Sylvain blinks and looks from the sandwich to Felix. Was it for him? Awe. Felix does care. He shows his gratitude by not saying anything and instead taking a bite of it.

Felix looks appeased.

“We were worried about you, last night…” Dimitri comments after a beat of silence.

Felix clicks his tongue. “Speak for yourself.”

Dimitri’s gaze shifts back and forth. “I was very worried about you, last night, Sylvain.”

Sylvain just chews and nods.

“Parties can be really overwhelming, though. I understand.”

Dimitri and his heart of gold. Sylvain was happy to have a friend like him. “Thanks, buddy,” he says before taking another bite of the sandwich.

Comfortable silence falls between the three of them before Sylvain is suddenly patting his pockets, looking for his phone.

“Dima put it on the charger for you last night,” Felix says without looking away from his own phone.

Sylvain sighs through his nose and then nods. “Thanks, D. I’ll be right back.” Then Sylvain is hopping off the stool and running back upstairs to get his phone. He pulls it off the charger and unlocks it, pulling up the qmail app. Nothing new from White, but, well, he misses White. Sylvain opens a new email addressed to him.

Dear White,
One of my best friends is in love with another one of my friends and I’m actually not sure if he knows or not. Actually, I’m pretty sure my best friend has been in love with this guy for, like, ever. If he knows, I don’t think he’s ever brought it up. I mean, neither has she, but you’d think he’d have like… politely turn her down by now, or something. If he doesn’t know, he might be oblivious. Her eyes light up every time she sees him.

Sylvain heads back downstairs as he types. It’s only as he reaches the bottom of the stairs that he feels a little weird for saying something about Glenn to someone who may potentially be Glenn. But, no, it’s probably not Glenn. It was weird for Sylvain to think that perfect, overachiever, everyone’s idol Glenn could be White. Sylvain continues his message.

I guess I’ve just been thinking about why I haven’t come out to my friends, yet. My close friends, at least. Maybe it’s because I only have two more years and then I’m done with high school. When I graduate and move away for college, then I can live my best, gay life. Or maybe it’s because I keep wondering why straight is the ‘default.’ Straight people never have to come out to their families they don’t get backlash for being straight. So why do we have to deal with that kind of thing?
Just something I think about, I guess.
Love, Green

Sylvain hits send as he sits back at the island, only to freeze when he realizes how he signed off on that email. Oh no. Oh fuck.

“Sylvain? Are you okay?” Dimitri asks, sounding concerned.

Sylvain’s head snaps up and he closes out of the qmail app and locks his phone. “Huh? Yeah. My, uh, unit just died in this mobile game. Sucks.”

Dimitri frowns, but nods. Felix actually glances up from his phone, a skeptical look in his eyes, but then looks away again.

Sylvain sighs and focuses on finishing off his breakfast sandwich.

——

Thankfully, by the time Sylvain gets home, the painkillers and food have done the trick on his hangover. As soon as Sylvain makes it upstairs, Miklan emerges from his room. “Get dressed, brat. I need you to come somewhere with me,” he states.

Sylvain pauses, one hand on the handle of his bedroom door. “What? So you can leave me in the middle of the fucking woods or drop me down a well, again?” Sylvain demands.

Miklan looks pissed. “Just fucking get dressed. Unless you want our old man to see those emails.”

Sylvain swallows hard. “Fine. Let me shower, first.”

Miklan clicks his tongue. “Make it quick.” Then he walks back into his room and shuts the door.

Once Sylvain’s own door is safely closed behind him, Sylvain presses himself back against it and tries to calm himself down. This is bullshit. He wishes that he was closer to graduation, so he could make his escape. Why did they have to live in the most religious, conservative region of this damn country?

Sylvain makes true on his word and showers quickly and changes into something comfortable and warm. Who knew where the fuck Miklan was taking him.

——

Miklan is, thankfully, pretty quiet on the ride there. They’re driving in the truck that had been in the driveway the other day. The radio is on low and it’s a bit of a drive. The worst part of the ride is the stench of the cigarettes that Miklan is smoking. But he kept the window down, so it wasn’t completely suffocating.

They end up a few towns over in a shady, run-down neighborhood. Sylvain finds himself sliding down in his seat to make himself seem smaller. Miklan notices and scoffs.

“Don’t be such a chickenshit.”

Sylvain makes a displeased noise. “What am I supposed to tell our father, if he asks?”

“That I took you to get something for school.”

Sylvain glances at Miklan. “Like what..?”

“I don’t fucking know. Use your imagination. Just make it convincing,” Miklan snaps.

Sylvain inhales deeply, then regrets it as he chokes on the scent of the cigarette smoke. He rolls down his own window.

When they get to wherever Miklan was going, Miklan parks the truck and then gets out. Sylvain watches as he talks to some guy by an old building across the street. Sylvain has no idea what they’re doing and doesn’t want to know. All that matters is that after a while, Miklan is getting back into the truck and pulling away from the curb, making a u-turn, and they’re heading back home.

——

The next day, during drama club, White’s reply finally comes through. Sylvain ducks back into the storage room to read it.

Green,
If I were a betting man, I’d say you were drunk emailing me during that last letter. But, looking at the timestamp, you were more than likely hungover. No high lasts that long, even if you were one of the few who left the party during the early morning hours. But, don’t worry, I kind of liked it, the email.
As for coming out, I know what you mean about wanting to wait until college. But our emails have inspired me. I’m going to tell my family. So thanks, Green.
Love, White

Sylvain smiles to himself as warmth fills his chest.

The pleasant buzz carries Sylvain through the rest of drama club and all the way home. Unfortunately, as soon as he gets home, Miklan tells him to get ready to go out, again.

“What? But we just went out yesterday, ” Sylvain declares.

“I know what the fuck we did. I need you to come with me again today.” Miklan shrugs as if Sylvain’s time didn’t matter, because to him, it doesn’t.

Sylvain sighs in exasperation. “Listen, can you like, drop me off at a friend’s house on the way there and just pick me up on the way back? I’ll tell dad whatever you want, just… I have homework and shit to do.”

Miklan clicks his tongue. “Whatever. Pick a shitty friend.”

Sylvain closes his eyes and groans softly. Dimitri would ask too many questions. Ingrid had a bunch of brothers, so her house would be too rowdy to get homework done. That just left Felix. “Drop me off at Felix’s… I’ll text him that I’m coming,” he says, opening his eyes.

Miklan’s jaw clenches. “Fucking Fraldarius…” he mutters. “Fine. Whatever.” Miklan grabs his keys and walks out the door.

Sylvain shoots Felix a quick text before running upstairs to grab his laptop, throwing it into his backpack. Then he’s running back downstairs and hopping into Miklan’s disgusting truck.

Miklan pulls up in front of the Fraldarius household, waits for Sylvain to get out, and says nothing as he pulls away. Sylvain doesn’t even get to ask him what time he’s going to be coming back and picking him up. Fantastic. Sylvain shakes his head and walks up to the door, pulling his phone out to message Felix that he was here.

Before Sylvain can hit ‘send,’ the door opens. Aaaand there’s Glenn in just a pair of sweatpants. Oh fuck. Hazel eyes manage to tear themselves away to look at Glenn’s face.

“H-hey…” Sylvain mumbles.

“You smell like cigarettes,” Glenn offers in place of a greeting.

Sylvain’s nose scrunches up. “Yeah… Miklan drove me here.”

Glenn raises an eyebrow. “Did your car break down..?”

“N...no. It’s… complicated. Can I come in?”

“Fe is at Mitya’s, right now. He messaged me that you were coming, though.” Glenn steps back so Sylvain can enter.

“Oh,” Sylvain replies while crossing the threshold. Well, that certainly was something. Felix’s only reply to his message had been ‘ wtf .’ A little heads up would have been nice. Then again, him saying he was coming over had been short notice, anyway.

“You know where basically everything is, so make yourself at home.” Glenn closes the door and then walks past Sylvain to enter the main living space. Sylvain tries and fails to not take a glance at Glenn’s ass as he walks ahead. Then he follows.

“Yeah, I’m just going to sit on your couch and do homework.”

Glenn nods. “Cool. I’ll be upstairs, if you need me.”

“Cool,” Sylvain replies, setting his bag down and shrugging his jacket off. Glenn heads off to go upstairs.

Thankfully, as soon as Sylvain sits down, he’s joined by a cat. That makes this whole thing less awkward and less lonely. It’s a distraction from his work, but it sure as hell beats sitting there alone all afternoon.

By the time dinner rolls around, Rodrigue is home, Felix is also home, and Sylvain gets a message from his father asking where he is.

    Sylvain: Still with Miklan. We’re getting food out.

Sylvain is thankful that Rodrigue is a pretty accommodating guy and invites him to join them for dinner. Sylvain isn’t really sure what he’s eating, but it tastes pretty good. Some kind of noodles in a creamy sauce with biscuits on top, baked in the oven.

“You really need to stop trying to casserole everything, old man,” Felix remarks as he picks a noodle up with his fork and lets it plop back down onto his plate.

“I think it’s pretty good, sir. Thanks for letting me stay for dinner,” Sylvain comments.

“Kiss ass,” Glenn says with a smirk.

Felix snorts. 

Sylvain kicks Glenn under the table. Fuck you he mouths.

Glenn just smirks wider.

Rodrigue clears his throat. “Well, thank you, Sylvain. I certainly do try, despite the food critics in this house. Only one of them can actually cook, however.” He shoots a playful look at Glenn.

“Hey, I can cook, old man!” Glenn retorts.

“Yeah, fucking college survival meals, Glenn. No one wants teriyaki chicken and goat cheese on a store-bought pizza crust.”

Glenn gapes. “Hey, it’s good!”

Rodrigue frowns. “It’s really not, son…”

Glenn looks offendedly between his father and brother. “Fuck that. Sylvain, you gotta try my pizza one day and tell me if you think it’s good. It is.”

Sylvain laughs and so do Rodrigue and Felix. This is the most pleasant family dinner that Sylvain has ever been part of. He wouldn’t mind having something like this more often, really. A cat headbutts his leg under the table and he peeks down.

“Don’t feed Bananas. He’s on a diet,” Felix says.

“Is he now?” Sylvain reaches down to pat the cat, who seems disappointed that this guest is not offering him food. He makes a pathetic noise.

“Don’t beg, you rotten child,” Felix scolds.

More laughter spreads across the table as everyone enjoys their meal. Sylvain wishes he could have been born into a family more like this. Rodrigue was so accepting of his son being transgender. Surely, with a father like that, Sylvain would be able to be himself. Of course, that also completely removes Glenn from Sylvain’s guesses of who White could be. With a family like this, White surely would have come out, already.

Somehow, that thought leaves Sylvain feeling a little disappointed, though. Maybe he wanted Glenn to be White.

Sylvain helps Felix wash the dishes after dinner, humming a random tune as he does. Felix kind of bops his head along to the song. And it’s just like that for a while.

“So…” Felix starts.

Sylvain glances over.

“You fighting with your scumbag older brother again? Or is it your old man?”

Sylvain shrugs. “It’s complicated.”

“No shit. Your family fucking sucks,” Felix retorts. “Not your mom, though. She’s good.”

“Yeah. Yeah… Mom is the only good one of us.”

Felix scoffs and flicks water in Sylvain’s face.

“Hey..!”

Felix rolls his eyes. “You’re not… like them… your scumbag brother and shitty father. You’re… better than that.”

Sylvain is quiet for a moment, just looking at Felix. Felix may have an attitude problem, but he was still a kind person, at heart. It meant a lot to Sylvain, to have a friend like him.

“Don’t just stare at me! Dry this!” Felix snaps after a bit, thrusting the casserole dish at Sylvain’s chest. Sylvain doesn’t miss the red on the tips of Felix’s ear, though. How cute. He’s blushing.

Sylvain laughs to himself and dries the dish.

As silence continues to stretch between them, Sylvain feels a strange kind of nervousness and also a strange kind of confidence. “Hey, Fe…” he murmurs softly. When Felix doesn’t say anything, Sylvain isn’t sure if he heard him. Sylvain clears his throat. “Hey, Fe…” he tries again.

Felix glances at him out of the corner of his eye and shuts the faucet off. Then he turns to face him, arms crossing over his chest.

Sylvain inhales deeply. “Fe…”

Felix gives him a look that says ‘get on with it.’

Sylvain looks at the floor, focusing on the mat under Felix’s feet. His pulse pounds in his ears. “Felix, I’m gay.”

With that, Felix visibly relaxes. “Yeah?”

Sylvain glances up to look at Felix’s face. “Yeah. But… you can’t tell anyone, okay? Nobody really… knows… And I don’t really want anyone to find out.”

“Syl…” Felix says with a softness to his voice that Sylvain hasn’t heard in years. “I won’t. I promise.”

Sylvain wonders if he’s dreaming when he feels Felix’s hand on his arm. Felix gently squeezes and then lets his hand fall back to his side.

“Thanks, Fe.”

“Sylvain, you were there for me when I came out, too. It’s… not an issue…”

Sylvain nods. Somehow, this felt so different , though. Even though it must have been harder for Felix, Sylvain felt so much more trapped. And maybe that was really selfish of him.

There isn’t time to lament on that now, however, as Sylvain’s phone buzzes in his pocket. It’s a message from Miklan that just says ‘ here .’ Sylvain sighs.

“Is it the scumbag?”

“Yup. Yeah, it’s the scumbag. I gotta go.”

“See you,” Felix murmurs.

Sylvain nods and gives Felix a quick, one-armed hug before he heads into the living area and gathers his stuff. With that, he’s out the door and getting back into Miklan’s shitty truck.

They drive home in silence, for which Sylvain is thankful. This shit was so awkward. But maybe Sylvain was relieved to have been able to tell Felix. That was something. He could be proud of himself for that much.

——

As soon as he gets home, he showers and gets ready for bed. It’s too early to sleep, but late enough that he can afford to lie around for a while. He pulls his laptop out of his backpack and pulls up the emails.

Dear White,
I think you have it backwards. Your emails have inspired me. I came out to one of my best friends today. He was really supportive. And I don’t feel like the world has ended. So, thank you, White.
Love, Green

Surprisingly, White’s reply comes pretty quickly.

Dear Green,

I don’t think that I’ve got it backwards. But, I am very proud of you. I, on the other hand, have not been able to work up the courage. I’m pretty sure my family would be perfectly accepting of it, and yet I still feel stuck. Kind of foolish, right?
Well, self-depreciation won’t get me anywhere. I think I’ll wait for the holidays. I can use break as an adjustment period, of sorts.
Love, White

Sylvain smiles a bit sadly. This whole ‘coming out’ thing was rough on anyone who had to do it. It felt stupid, despite how real the fear was.

Dear White,
Regardless of what happens, you have my support. Maybe we should ride this bravery train all the way and reveal our identities. I’m dying to know who you are.
Love, Green

A few days pass before Sylvain gets a reply from White. He’s getting out of the shower as his phone buzzes. Thankfully, Miklan hasn’t bothered him the past few days. He did, however, have to tell his father that Miklan was taking him to a pet-sitting job in the next town over. He’s considering becoming a veterinarian, suddenly. And animal experience would look good on his application. It’s a good enough lie that his father doesn’t question it.

I told my dad. It was awkward but also kind of fine. He didn’t expect it, is what he said. That’s really what made it awkward. I guess I’m not flamboyant enough for him? Either way, he was understanding. But I’m not sure if I ever would have told him, if it wasn’t for you. So, thanks.
But also, I’m sorry. I’m just not ready for us to know each other’s identities.
Love, White

That still hurts, but Sylvain can’t say that he doesn’t understand.

Dear White,
I get it. But, if I can’t know who you are, maybe you’ll let me ask you a question.
Love, Green

Sylvain holds his breath, hoping for a quick reply. When the next email appears, Sylvain feels a little ridiculous for getting so happy about it.

Ask away, Green.

Sylvain wastes no time replying.

Why ‘White?’ Is that your favorite color?

White’s reply comes just as quickly.

Technically, that’s two questions. But I like you, so I’ll let it slide this time.
The answer is the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. Even the teacups are kind of an Alice in Wonderland reference. I relate to the White Rabbit. He’s always running around feeling like he’s late or forgetting something. I stay pretty on top of my schedule and all, but I still feel like I’m constantly running around and that there’s no time for anything. I kind of relate to Alice while she’s in Wonderland, too. Like, when the Cheshire Cat tells her that there is no ‘her way,’ it’s only the Queen’s way. I feel like I have all these expectations that I have to live up to and that there is no ‘my way.’
I must say, however, that telling my father is my first taste of having my own life. It’s refreshing. Definitely my cup of tea~

Sylvain’s cheeks heat up at the teasing remarks. White was flirting with him.

That’s interesting. So you’re an Alice in Wonderland kind of guy.
My name comes from Anne of Green Gables. I kind of feel like I don’t really have a place where I belong, you know? We  both chose to go by color names, though, and took our names from pieces of literature. We have a lot in common.

The next day at lunch, Felix reaches over and snags some of Sylvain’s food without asking. Sylvain clicks his tongue and playfully swats at his hand. Felix kind of grins and shoves as many of the fries as will fit into his mouth.

“Oh? Now who’s a rotten child?” Sylvain asks.

Felix is still grinning as he flips Sylvain off and chews the fries.

Sylvain laughs.

“What the fuck have you been putting in my baby brother’s coffee these past few days, Gautier? Fe’s in such a good mood, I barely recognize him,” Glenn comments. Felix kicks him under the table. Glenn mouths ‘ouch.’

Sylvain laughs. “I haven’t. It’s the same shit as always. He’s just in a good mood.”

“Even I’m surprised,” Ingrid says.

Which, of course she does. Ingrid always agrees with Glenn. Sylvain breathes a sigh through his nose. “Hey, Ingrid, did you hear about Glenn’s fatal flaw?”

“He snores?” Christophe interjects. Glenn whacks him in the chest.

“What ‘fatal flaw,’ Sylvain?” Ingrid demands, offended on Glenn’s behalf.

“Can’t cook,” Sylvain replies. Felix laughs next to him.

Glenn’s tongue presses into the inside of his cheek. “And to think, Gautier, I was going to cook for you.”

Sylvain shrugs. “My loss, I guess.”

“Not really,” Felix says.

There’s laughter from most of their friends.

“I’ll cook for you, Glenn!” Ingrid adds quickly.

“Yeah, that’s the answer, Glenn. Find yourself a nice wife to cook for you,” Christophe says with a laugh.

Ingrid’s cheeks go scarlet. The lighthearted atmosphere around the table quickly becomes tense and awkward, but Christophe nudges Glenn, prompting him to laugh, too.

Glenn presses his lips into a thin line and shakes his head. “I have a test to study for. I’ll see you guys later.” Glenn doesn’t wait for a response before getting up and walking away.

Ingrid stares dejectedly at her tray, poking her food with her plastic spork. Sylvain stares after Glenn.

“Come on, man, it was just a joke!” Christophe calls. Then he clicks his tongue and gets up to follow.

Dimitri looks nervously around the table, like he wants to say something, or he wants someone else to say something. Sylvain mentally begs that Dimitri doesn’t open his mouth and make this more awkward than it already is. Before that can happen, however, Felix brings up some new video game coming out and it becomes the new conversation topic.

——

When Sylvain gets home on the last day before winter break starts, Miklan is waiting for him. Sylvain sighs and crosses his arms over his chest. “What?” he demands.

“I need you to come somewhere with me for a few days after Sothismas,” Miklan states.

“Are you fucking kidding me? I’m on break, Miklan. I want… I want to relax and hang out with my friends. Running errands in a couple towns over for a few hours, fine, whatever, but I’m not disappearing for ‘a few days’ with you!” Mostly because that’s what Miklan had done when he abandoned Sylvain and pushed him down a well. Miklan said that he was taking Sylvain on a hunting trip and then tried to leave him for dead. Sylvain wasn’t fucking with that. Not again.

Miklan takes a step closer, eyes narrowing.

“You want me to lie for you? Sure. Whatever. Come up with a lie and I’ll say it. But fuck if I’m going anywhere with you for that long.” Sylvain refused to budge on this one. 

After spending the evening in the Fraldarius household twice, Sylvain started feeling awkward, even if Rodrigue had been welcoming toward him. Sylvain was imposing and he knew it. So he started just having Miklan drop him off at the shopping center in the next town over and doing his homework in the Seirosbucks.

Miklan apparently didn’t like that Sylvain was standing his ground, though, because he raises his fist.

Sylvain flinches a bit, but keeps his hands at his sides. “Go ahead, Miklan. Hit me. Then our old man will find out and kick your sorry ass out again and you’ll be all by yourself in the fucking cold. Is that what you want?”

Miklan inhales and then sighs. His fist lowers, but he shoves Sylvain back against the wall. “You’re gonna regret this, brat.”

“Man, whatever…” Sylvain mutters, then ducks into his room, locking the door behind him.

He hears the front door slam closed and the engine of the old pickup truck start. Sylvain moves to glance out the window and watches Miklan pull out of the driveway and head off down the road.

Only then does Sylvain feel like he can breathe again.

——

White’s next message arrives later that night. Sylvain is half asleep when he gets it, but it has him sitting up to read it and reply to it.

Dear Green,
My father decided to surprise our family with a trip for the holidays. We’re going to visit some extended family. In the mountains. In another country. So we may not be able to talk for a while. I’m supposed to be packing now, but I wanted to tell you, first.
I’m excited, in a way. But it kind of sucks. I’m going to miss your emails.
Love, White

Sylvain sighs. He was going to miss White’s emails, too. Especially with his brother acting like a tool.

Dear White,
Have fun with your family. Enjoy the holidays. Try not to miss me too much~
I know that I’m going to miss your emails, too, though. Let me know when you get back.
Love, Green

The phone is set aside and Sylvain lies back, looking at the ceiling. When he gets another email a few minutes later, however, Sylvain picks his phone right back up. Imagining that White really wants to get a little more conversation in with him before he has to get on a plane to somewhere makes Sylvain smile.

They send a few more short emails back and forth to each other before Sylvain knocks out for the night. Sylvain wakes in the morning to an email that just says ‘Sweet dreams~’.

——

Miklan still isn’t back by Sothismas Eve. Sylvain figures that it’s better this way. Hopefully, Miklan had some companions that he was staying with somewhere. Even if his brother was an ass, Sylvain still didn’t want Miklan to be alone and cold. Even someone like Miklan deserved to be surrounded by people who actually cared about him during the holidays.

All of that is interrupted when Sylvain’s phone buzzes with a message from Ingrid.

    Ingrid: Sylvain, you need to check Fhirdiad Secrets. ASAP.

Sylvain rolls his eyes and types out a quick reply.

    Sylvain: Ing, it Sothismas Eve.

    Ingrid: I know. But this is important.

The speed at which Ingrid replies puts Sylvain on edge. He heads upstairs to his room while replying. 

    Sylvain: Okay...

Sylvain is uneasy as he takes a seat at his desk. He opens his laptop and unlocks it, going into his browser and opening the Fhirdiad Secrets blog.

Dear Fhirdiad High students,
Sylvain Gautier has a secret male penpal. Because he’s gay. 
Anonymous

Included are a bunch of screenshots of Sylvain’s emails with White. Sylvain is fucked. Absolutely screwed. The first thing he does is open qmail.

Dear White,
I know that you're on vacation right now. Please don’t freak out. You’re going to find out who I am. I don’t want you to disappear.
Green

He hits send and lets out a shuddery breath. His hands are shaking. Message notifications pop up in the corner of his laptop.

    Ingrid: Did you read it?

    Ingrid: You can talk to me, Syl.

    Dimitri: I’m here for you, Sylvain. I love you.

    Annette: I know we don’t talk much outside of drama club, but I care about you. I hope you’re okay.

Sylvain shuts his laptop. No. Nope. This is it. He’s fucked. He’s royally screwed.

Pushing his chair back, Sylvain grabs his laptop and throws it and his charger in his backpack. He grabs a duffle bag out of his closet and starts racing around his room, packing his stuff in a panic. How much time did he have before his father found out?

His phone buzzes with another message.

    Dimitri: Please don’t feel like this is something that you have to go through alone.

Sylvain pauses at that. He hated relying on his younger friends. He was supposed to be the cool, older friend. But Glenn already had that position in the bag, Sylvain supposes.

    Sylvain: Thanks, D.

No sooner does Sylvain send the message that he hears his father’s footsteps coming up the stairs. Sylvain’s panic is back in full swing. He throws a few more things in the bag and zips it up right as his father barges into his room without knocking.

“What is this?” he demands, eyes full of rage despite his calm, level voice.

Sylvain swallows thickly. “What’s what?” he asks, voice barely above a whisper.

The man walks closer and shoves his phone in Sylvain’s face. It’s one of his emails.

“I… I don’t know,” he murmurs.

“Don’t lie to me.”

Sylvain’s breath catches in his throat. “I… I’m sorry,” he says. He’s not sure what else to say.

It happens so quickly that Sylvain doesn’t even see it coming. His father shoves him in the chest with enough force to have him reeling backwards. He catches himself on the bookshelf, back and arm colliding with the piece of furniture. It knocks the wind out of him.

Sylvain breathes heavily and shuddery but doesn’t look up.

“Get the fuck out of my house,” his father spits after a beat of silence. “You’re disgusting.”

Sylvain nods, then moves on autopilot, grabbing his bags and walking past his father. His mother tries to stop him on his way to the front door. She says something—which Sylvain is pretty sure is ‘I love you’—but it doesn’t entirely register. He thinks he hears her start crying as he climbs into his car.

——

Sylvain is surprised to find himself in front of Dimitri’s house. He doesn’t remember driving there. And he’s not sure why he’d go to Dimitri’s. Then he remembers that Dimitri had been the last person that he’d spoken to. So maybe Dimitri was on his mind. He pulls his phone out of his pocket.

    Sylvain: D? Are you home?

Dimitri’s response is immediate, surprisingly, for someone who isn’t a fan of messaging.

    Dimitri: Yes. I am. Would you like to come over?

    Sylvain: I’m outside.

There’s no response and Sylvain considers backing out of the driveway and going to Felix’s house, instead. Then the front door opens and Dimitri steps out in a t-shirt and sweatpants. No shoes or anything.

Sylvain gets out of the car. “Dimitri, what the hell, man? You’re gonna get sick.”

Dimitri shakes his head and walks down the stairs, still barefoot. He looks nervous as he brings his arms up and slowly wraps them around Sylvain, pulling him into a hug.

Sylvain gasps lightly and feels Dimitri’s arms loosen around him.

“S-sorry. Too much..?”

Sylvain responds by wrapping his arms around Dimitri, too. “No. It’s perfect. Thanks, D.”

Dimitri’s arms tighten around him once more.

——

Dear White,
Happy New Year. I haven’t heard from you, so I’m going to assume it’s because you have no service. I hope the mountains are treating you well.
I’ve spent the past week at the house of a friend of mine. My father never got the chance to outright say it, but I’m pretty sure I’m disowned. Or something. I did discover, however, that lying in bed and eating s’mores is really good when you’re miserable. You can thank my friend.
Even though it’s almost like nothing has changed—minus avoiding my father and brother like the plague—everything has changed. And it’s exhausting. I feel like there’s nowhere to hide. I kind of want to lie down in the dirt, actually.
The only real safe space I feel like I have is here. With you. Please write back to me.

——

Sylvain stays with Dimitri during break. They barely leave the house, but it’s fine. Dimitri has a lot of movies and games. The two of them find ways to occupy their time together. And Sylvain finds that even the silence is comfortable.

Lambert is overwhelmingly accommodating, setting Sylvain up his own guest room and everything. Sylvain feels too awkward turning him down, so Dimitri has to step in and tell his father to tone it down a little. Still, Sylvain feels grateful. He’s fortunate to have such good friends.

Felix had apparently been away during the break, a fact which had totally slipped Sylvain’s mind. Felix was usually wherever Dimitri was, and vice-versa. Sylvain was so caught up in the confusion that he never bothered to ask where Felix was. And maybe Sylvain feels a little guilty about that, but it was nice to spend time alone with just Dimitri. Also, he’s glad to have spared Felix from the worst of the drama.

Felix returns on the day before break ends and barges into Dimitri’s house unannounced and heads right upstairs to Sylvain’s guest room, where he promptly flops on top of him in bed.

“Heeey…” Sylvain murmurs sleepily.

Felix doesn’t say anything, but the weight of him there means a lot more than words would.

Sylvain frees one of his arms and lays it across Felix’s back.

Felix makes a soft, hum-like noise. Sylvain takes it as permission to leave his arm there.

Eventually, Dimitri joins them with shitty, chain pizzeria pizza. They all lay around and eat it. It’s nice.

——

The next day, school starts back up. Felix had stayed over, so they all get ready in the morning and get into Sylvain’s car. Then they go pick up Ingrid.

Ingrid hugs Sylvain as soon as she gets in the car. She doesn’t even close the door. She just hugs Sylvain.

“Hey, Ingrid. Have a nice break?”

Ingrid slaps him in the arm. “I was worried about you, you idiot.”

Sylvain frowns. “Sorry… It was… a lot.”

Ingrid nods. “Of course it was. I’m not mad. I was just… worried.”

Sylvain nods and gives her a squeeze with one arm. She lets go, then, and closes the door so Sylvain can drive them all to school.

——

Walking into school makes Sylvain feel like a fish in a bowl. He tries to tell himself that he’s being paranoid; that not everyone is staring at him. But Felix steps at someone like he’s going to fight them and the person turns and runs off with some of their friends and that’s enough to prove to Sylvain that he is, in fact, being stared at. Which sucks.

Thankfully, no one seems to say anything to him. Sylvain would rather like for the rest of his high school life to pass by peacefully. He can’t have that, though.

At lunch, as Sylvain is walking to his usual table, one of his ex-girlfriends gets up from her table and walks up to him. “Sylvain, did you date me because I look like a guy?”

He blinks and stares at her for a moment. “What? No. I… broke up with you because you don’t look like a guy.”

She nods. “Oh. Okay. Thanks.” Then she’s sitting back down with her friends.

Sylvain awkwardly makes his way over to his friends and sits down with a sigh.

“People are ridiculous,” Felix mutters.

There seems to be peace, again, for a moment. At least until Sylvain hears music coming from the hallway. Two seniors run into the cafeteria with a bluetooth speaker, dressed as Sylvain and Yuri, respectively. They hop up onto one of the empty tables.

“This one’s for you, Gautier!” one of them shouts, pointing at Sylvain. Then he turns around and pretends to start making out with the guy dressed as Yuri.

“Oooh, Sylvain, you’re sooooo sexy~” the guy dressed like Yuri says.

The fake Sylvain turns around and bends over while fake Yuri pretends to slap his ass. “You like that~?”

“Oooh, hit me harder~” fake Sylvain says.

Felix tries to get up, but Dimitri holds him back. Sylvain just stares, mortified.

Glenn, however, had been on his way to the lunch table, so no one was holding him back. He sets his tray on a table and bag on the floor and walks over. He grabs the fake Sylvain by the back of his hoodie and unapologetically yanks him off the table and onto the floor. The guy yelps. Christophe is right behind Glenn and grabs the fake Yuri. 

Before it can turn into a full fight, however, Byleth steps in to break things up. “I’ll take it from here.”

Glenn and Christophe back off. Byleth picks the bluetooth speaker up and turns it off.

“Does it feel good to do shitty things? Does it make you feel better about your own miserable lives? Because everyone here just thinks that you’re assholes. And no one feels bad for those assholes.”

The fake Yuri looks offended. “You can’t speak to us like that!”

“I can. Because I just did. Get your asses to Seteth’s office. Now.” Byleth points.

The real Yuri waves from his seat, unbothered. “Bye~”

The guys look around before turning and walking out of the cafeteria. Byleth follows.

——

Sylvain finds himself waiting outside Seteth’s office with Yuri. The impersonators are in Seteth’s office, now.

Sylvain clicks his tongue. “Why does Seteth need to talk to us? Can’t we just let this shit go?” Silence falls between them for a moment before Sylvain speaks again. “I’m sorry, Yuri… None of this ever happened when just you were out.”

Yuri sighs, sounding bored. “You know what they say, one gay’s a snooze, two’s a hilarious hate crime.” Another beat of silence. Then Yuri speaks again. “You could have told me that you were gay.”

“I guess I didn’t think we had very much in common.”

Yuri scoffs. “You’re telling me, Sylvain. It’s not like your all-hoodie wardrobe rocks my world.”

Sylvain chuckles. A pause. “I dunno. Maybe I was jealous. You’ve been out since you were 16. It always seemed so easy for you.”

“Easy? Are you kidding me? My father still tells my grandparents about all the girls I’m dating when we go over to their house for dinner, every Sunday. He says it’s because they’re old and religious, and it’s just easier that way.” A pause. Yuri shakes his head. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s true. But you should hear his voice when he talks about the girls.”

Sylvain turns his head to really look at Yuri. Yuri offers him a small, reassuring smile.

Seteth’s door opens. “If you two could join us.”

Sylvain and Yuri get up and walk into Seteth’s office.

Seteth looks at the impersonators. “I believe you two have something to say to Mister Gautier and Mister LeClerc.”

“Sorry.”

“We’re sorry.”

Yuri rolls his eyes. Sylvain stays silent.

Seteth clears his throat. “Because here at Fhirdiad High, we teach…”

“Tolerance,” the duo finish in unison.

“And tolerance means respect,” Seteth adds. “I expect that you two will avoid such disrespectful behaviors for the rest of the year, if you intend to graduate.”

The duo nods. Seteth dismisses them. Then he turns to Sylvain and Yuri. “Our guidance counselor is wonderful, if you two need to visit her. Her door, and mine, are always open.”

Yuri just nods. “Can I go now?”

Seteth sighs and then nods. “You may go.”

Sylvain tries a small grin. “Thanks.” Then Sylvain follows Yuri out the door.

——

Things seem to quiet down for the rest of the day. Sylvain thinks that the bullshit is finally over. But he’s starting to realize that wanting the bullshit to be over is just wishful thinking. When Sylvain leaves at the end of the day, Miklan is leaning against his car, waiting for him.

Sylvain just shakes his head. “No. Whatever you want, the answer is no. Get out of here.”

Miklan exhales the smoke of the cigarette he’d been smoking and tosses the butt of it to the ground, grinding it out with the heel of his boot. “Mom misses you. You should come home.”

Sylvain stares for a moment until the overwhelming emotion of everything that’s happened finally explodes. “You think that I can just come home ? You ruined that for me! I don’t have a home anymore!”

Miklan sighs. “I didn’t think it would be that bad. You know how our old man is.”

“I know exactly how he is! And I know that you know how bad he is! I’m so sick of living in that fucking house and feeling suffocated! And you’re part of the problem!”

Miklan blinks and then sighs again. “Listen… I—”

“Save it, Miklan!” Sylvain just walks past him and gets into his car, slamming the door.

When the engine starts, Miklan takes a step back, out of the way. Sylvain backs out of his parking spot and drives off.

——

When Sylvain gets back to Dimitri’s house and settles into his assigned guest room, there’s a notification on his phone. White replied. He’s back. There’s a well of hope.

I saw the posts. I know who you are. I really thought about it; about telling you who I am. But after this afternoon, I really just can’t do it, Sylvain. I’m sorry.

This is backtracking, but I don’t want to leave you hanging. Anne of Green Gables; red hair, freckles, and feeling like you don’t have a place where you belong. I get it. It makes me sad to think about, but I get it.
But, still, I’m sorry, Sylvain. I can’t do this anymore. I’m so sorry.

Sylvain feels his heart shattering in his chest. There are tears already in his eyes as he types his reply as quickly as possible.

Please, White. You can’t leave me alone. Everything’s falling apart.

Delivery to the recipient wh1terabb1t(at)qmail(dot)com failed permanently.

Sylvain cries. He’s not sure how long he cries. But eventually both Dimitri and Felix join him in bed. Sylvain finds himself curled up between the two of them. He tells them about White between sobs. He tells them that he’s in love. It all comes spilling out of him. But they stay there with him the whole time and let him speak and cry. It feels good in a way he never imagined three teenagers pressed together in a bed could ever feel. Eventually, he does stop crying.

Silence falls between the three of them and that’s comfortable, too. Surprisingly, it’s Felix who breaks the silence.

“You’re still the same Sylvain that I came out to, officially, alone on a dark playground. You were probably freezing your nuts off and everything, but you were still there for me. And you’re still the same Sylvain that I would run to in tears when Glenn was teasing me or Dima broke something of mine.”

Dimitri also pipes up, his voice level and confident. “You’re still the same Sylvain that talked me down from my first panic attack and you held me in your arms until I stopped shaking. We love you.”

Sylvain wants to cry again, but for different reason. Because he loves his friends so much. “Thank you, guys,” he murmurs. His voice is hoarse. “I love you, too.”

——

When Rodrigue comes to pick Felix up, he comes inside. That’s not unusual. He’s Lambert’s best friend, after all. What is surprising, though, is when Rodrigue walks over to Sylvain where he was on the couch with Dimitri and Felix playing a racing game.

“When you’re done with this race, Sylvain, may I speak to you for a moment?” he asks.

Sylvain looks up. “Oh. Sure.”

The confusion must be clear on his face, because Rodrigue elaborates. “It’s nothing bad, I promise,” he assures.

“I didn’t mean to insinuate that it was…” Sylvain replies awkwardly.

Rodrigue offers him a small upturn of his lips in reassurance.

Sylvain doesn’t bother finishing the race, setting his controller down and getting up. Rodrigue leads Sylvain to Lambert’s office, but it’s just the two of them.

Rodrigue takes a deep breath, then speaks. “I love you kids. I watched you all grow up together. I know your father is… not very open-minded, to say the least.” A sigh. “But you… you’re a good kid, Sylvain. And if you ever need anything, my door is always open.”

Sylvain takes a moment to let those words sink in. Then he swallows and nods. He had cried enough today, he thinks. He doesn’t want to cry again. All this support means so much to him, though. “Can… Can I hug you..?” Sylvain asks softly.

Rodrigue opens his arms and closes the space between them, pulling Sylvain into a hug.

Something in Sylvain’s head clicks. This is what family is. He found his family.

——

Dear students of Fhirdiad High School,
As anyone with a half-decent data plan already knows, a recent post on this very website declared that I was gay. The delivery left something to be desired, but the message is true. I am… gay.
For a long time, I was killing myself to hide that fact. I had all these reasons. It was unfair that only gay people had to come out. I was sick of change. But the truth is, I was just scared. At first, I thought it was just a gay thing. But then I realized, no matter what, announcing who you are to the world is pretty terrifying because, what if the world doesn’t like you? So, I did whatever I could to keep my secret. I hid myself away from the people who mean the world to me. But I’m done being scared. I’m done living in a world where I don’t get to be who I am.
I deserve a great love story.
Disclaimer, this is about to get romantic as eff, so anyone adverse to gratuitous feelings kindly click over to the BizzFeed quiz or resume the porn you paused to read this.
This guy that I love once wrote that he felt like he was stuck on the teacup ride. Spinning around rapidly with the pressure holding him in place but being scared all the while of spilling over the side. That’s how I feel now. I couldn’t ask for more amazing friends. They’ve taught me that family is something you choose. But it would all be so much better if I had someone to share it with. So White… I might not know your name or what you look like. But I know who you are. I know you’re funny and thoughtful. You choose your words carefully and that they’re always perfect. And I know that you’ve been pretending for so long that it’s hard to believe you can stop. I get it. Like I told you at the very beginning, I’m just like you.
So, White, after the play, Friday at 10:00, you know where I’ll be. No pressure for you to show up, but I hope you do. Because you deserve a great love story, too.
Love, Sylvain

——

After the play, Felix, Dimitri, Ingrid, Ashe, and Dedue all meet Sylvain and Annette backstage. Annette wastes no time hugging Felix, who smiles, just a bit, and even hugs her back.

Sylvain smiles at the scene. Felix was starting to open up a bit more. It was nice.

“So, Sylvain,” Ingrid starts.

“What’s up?” he asks.

She grins. “I think you have somewhere that you need to be.”

Sylvain grins back. Next thing he knows, they’re all running out of the school, headed for the Winter Festival.

Sylvain gets a bunch of tickets and heads right over to the teacups. Part of him is really glad he didn’t eat anything before this. This was going to be an awful lot of spinning. Sylvain kind of wishes that White had picked something more romantic, like the ferris wheel. But also, that was kind of out of character for White. So the teacups, it was.

He hands over all his tickets to the worker. “These should last a little while, yeah?” he asks. The guy raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t question it, letting Sylvain in.

Once Sylvain is settled into his cup, he looks around. Ingrid cheers from her spot next to Felix and Dimitri.

“Get your man, Sylvain!” Annette shouts.

Sylvain grins. Then the ride starts and the base of the ride starts to rotate around the giant teapot in the middle. Sylvain doesn’t force his cup to spin faster, just sits back and lets it spin naturally as the platform rotates. Regardless, the world spins around him, blurring faces, just like how White said.

Everyone is watching, he knows, but in a way, it’s like they’re not. Sylvain wonders if this is how White feels, like the world was spinning so quickly and everyone was watching but it all kind of blurred together. And in those moments in between rides, when Sylvain isn’t spinning anymore, everything becomes clear while he recovers from the dizziness. If he tried to get up and walk, he’s sure that he’d stumble and make a fool of himself. Maybe that was why White was scared of getting off the ride, metaphorically.

Time passes quicker that Sylvain had anticipated. He’s a little nauseous, partially from hunger, partially from all the spinning, partially from anticipation.

“Last ride,” the worker announces as the ride comes to a stop, this time. 

Sylvain turns his head and makes eye contact with his friends. They all look kind of sad and concerned. Sylvain wonders what kind of expression he’s wearing.

Then suddenly someone is sliding into the teacup with him and everyone’s expressions shift to various degrees of surprise. Sylvain turns his head to look, quite certain that his expression now mirrors that of his friends’. 

It’s Glenn.

Sylvain opens his mouth to speak.

“Hey,” Glenn says first.

Sylvain closes his mouth, swallows, blinks. “Hey,” he replies.

“Don’t go spilling out on me, okay?”

Sylvain nods. “Yeah, I… I won’t.”

Glenn smiles. The ride starts. 

“I… didn’t think you’d come.”

“See,” Glenn starts. “Neither did I. Not until I was already walking toward you.” Then Glenn reaches out and starts turning the wheel in the center to make them spin faster.

Sylvain finds himself smiling and starts helping Glenn, making the cup spin faster and faster. Lights and faces and noises all blur, more than they had before. Sylvain’s heart hammers in his chest and he starts to struggle against the centrifugal force holding him in place. He laughs, despite the pressure. Across from him, he sees Glenn laugh, too. And it’s the most open he’s ever seen Glenn.

As the ride slows down, Glenn slides closer to Sylvain. They’re smiling at each other, both dizzy. Glenn brings a hand up to cup Sylvain’s cheek. They both lean in and kiss. In the distance, Sylvain can hear cheers. They break away just to look at each other, and then they’re kissing again.

——

Sylvain’s phone buzzes with a notification. He groans and rolls over.

    Ingrid: Have you seen Fhirdiad Secrets? 

    Ingrid: There are six new confessions, all signed.

Sylvain sits up and grabs his laptop to check. He scrolls through the posts.

My father didn’t come see me in the school play. Ever since I was young, he’s always been ‘too busy’ to be part of my life. This time, he said he’d come, but didn’t. It was nice having my mom there, but I wanted my father there, too, for once.
—Annette Dominic

My father acts like I betrayed some family legacy because I chose soccer instead of baseball. I really like soccer, though. It’s where my best friends are and it’s something I’m passionate about, even if I miss a goal or two, here and there.
—Christophe Gaspard

    Sylvain: Wow.

    Ingrid: You’re a trendsetter.

    Ingrid: Now hurry up and get ready, or we’re all going to be late.

Sylvain laughs and gets up.