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Callum reached for the stairs, ribs throbbing at every step he took. He was in pain, the type of pain he hadn’t experienced since his army days. He stood up from the sofa with a moan, face disgruntled. He played off Ben’s questioning with a smile, kiss placed tenderly on his forehead. He wasn’t the focus, the focus had to be Ben.
He made a vow to show Ben how much he truly loved him. He may not be able to hear it anymore but Callum pledged to make it known through the sense of feel, through the way he touched him. Through it all Callum wanted to be there, wanted to fill the parts of his life he felt were no longer complete.
I’ll show you. I love you.
I love you. The same words he signed on his back only moments earlier. Hands flowing, heart racing. He wanted to shout it from the rooftops, wanted to do everything possible to remind Ben that hearing or not, he still completely consumed his entire world.
You’re in that world, Ben.
Callum had finally made it up the stairs, hand placed on the stair railing in hopes to calm his breathing. He heard a bang downstairs, noise becoming louder at every hit.
He listens for a few moments, mind itching to take him back to the explosions he used to endure. Bang. Bang. Bang.
Callum shakes his head, forces himself out of the thoughts. This wasn’t the time. The focus was on Ben, had to be on Ben.
He turns his body, legs moving slower than he’d like. In the warehouse his leg was trapped, run now disguised through a hop. Ben is standing by the sink, two pans placed in his hand. The water swooshes, begs to calm down. He’s inconsolable, thoughts alluded at the fact he can’t hear anything.
I’ll never hear Callum tell me that he loves me again, I’ll never hear him moan my name, shout for me at the top of the stairs. I’ll never hear Lexi shouting for me to read her a bedtime story.
Truth was, Ben still didn’t want to believe this was a reality. When he slammed the kitchen cupboard shut, his mind longed to hear the clatter. He longed to hear even the slightest of sound.
The thought of never hearing again scared him, consumed the air he breathed. He didn’t want to be a burden, didn’t want to remain in the echoes of the real world.
“Ben! It’s alright, it’s ok.” Callum disclaims, longs to pull him back in. “I’m here, it’s ok. I’ve got you.”
Callum aims for the pan, tries to grab it from his reach. Ben’s still not fully aware of his presence, balance off-key. The water swirling his ears takes him back to the boat crash, the way his legs dangled as though he was no longer breathing. His brain was consumed with the thought of Callum, the way he couldn’t save him.
Callum places his hand into Ben’s hair, tries to soothe him. He places his other hand on the tap, switches off part of the ringing in Ben’s ears.
He stays like that for a few minutes, calming Ben, letting him cry into his shoulder. Ben melts into Callum, shapes in perfectly around his front, head resting slightly below his shoulder. Ben drops the pans at the comfort of Callum’s arms, both backs firmly placed against the cupboards.
“I’m sorry.” Ben chokes out. He looks up to Callum, tries to work out if the words were actually uttered.
“Don’t be.” Callum says, lips moving slowly, fluidly. “I’m here.”
Callum places Ben’s hand onto his heart, hopes Ben can feel the way it races.
“You do this to me.” Callum says.
When Ben doesn’t respond, he takes his phone out. Types it into a message.
“You do this to me. You make my heart race. Hearing or deaf, I’d still do you in a heartbeat.”
Ben laughs at Callum’s use of wording. Callum replicates the same laughter, glad Ben saw humour in his wording. Ben places his hand onto Callum’s throat, feels the vibrations of his laughter drum into his fingertips.
“Considering I can’t hear you, I’m going to feel you. Feel your laughter, your warmth, your smile.”
Ben grabs onto Callum’s hand, tries to still the trembling of his fingers.
He draws a line down the palm of his hand, looking up to Callum for reassurance. When he nods, Ben continues on, replaces the “I” with the same heart Callum drew minutes earlier.
“I love you.”
“Ben.” Callum utters. He grabs Ben’s face, longs for him to look up.
“I’m scared, Callum. I’m so scared of the unknown. I’m scared of not hearing your voice again, the fact that you love me. I’m scared I won’t hear you come in from work or if you fall and I’m not there to help you. Lexi, my little girl, the way I may never hear her say daddy again, shout for me to read her a bedtime story. But I do know one thing I’m not scared of, one thing I’ve known probably since that night in the park. I love you. I think I can get through this with you by my side.”
Callum places his lips onto Ben’s, hopes he will be able to feel the movement of his lips against his own.
I love you. He utters against his lips.
“Was that an I love you?” Ben questions, lips moving slowly against Callum’s.
“Feel it.” Callum states. “Feel it, not hear it.”
Ben places his lips onto Callum’s, thoughts overwhelming. Callum reciprocates the kiss, places his hand at the side of his face.
I will be anywhere that you are. He utters. Through the good and the bad.
A little while later, Ben and Callum retract to their bed. Callum is the first to undress, takes his time at removing the hoody that engulfed his body.
“Does it hurt?” Ben says, looking down at the bruising encasing Callum’s torso. He takes his time, presses a kiss to each wound.
“Kinda. I’m fine.” Callum says, unbeknown as to whether or not Ben heard him.
“You can talk, Callum. I know I’m going through a lot but so have you. You were kidnapped, beaten, left alone in a warehouse for days on end. That had to be traumatic.”
It was. Callum thinks. I’m scared to shut my eyes, scared of going back to that place.
“I’m fine.” Callum says. “Tell me about this.” He pulls the cochlear implant leaflet from the side cabinet, placing in onto Ben’s lap.
“There’s an operation I can have. The aids will be bigger, more noticeable but it could help me get a limited amount of hearing back.” Callum nods along at the conversation, slips into bed beside Ben.
“I didn’t want to decide anything without you here.” Ben continues, twirling the leaflet around his hand. “With it comes risks. I wanted us to decide together.”
“Risks?” Callum utters, placing a hand through Ben’s hair. He kisses the spot beside his ear, rubs gently at the lobe.
“Infection. Disturbances in taste. It can also destroy my whole hearing in general, even the minimal amount I have now. The implant would be a permanent thing also, it would be something I could never get rid of.”
“I’ll support you no matter what choice you make.”
Callum closes one hand, rests his thumb upwards. He places his closed hand onto his other flat upturned palm. He moves both hands forward, hopes he’s grasped the sign.
Support.
“How do you know that?” Ben questions.
“Army.” Callum states back.
“You never fail to amaze me, Callum Highway.”
“I love you.” Callum utters along Ben’s lips, placing a soft kiss.
“I love you.” Ben reciprocates, wrapping his arms around Callum.
Ben couldn’t remember the last time he had slept so well, no longer afraid of what was to come.