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Tasuku has had one love his entire life. Growing up they were inseparable, everyone around assuming they’d get married right out of school. They both had a love for the stage and acted as the female and male leads in nearly every school play. They played off each other remarkably well, Tasuku taking the brasher princely male lead and his blue haired girlfriend being more subdued and subtle, but still graceful and entrancing. It was no surprise that they both graduated and went to the same college, both continuing to study drama.
What did come as a surprise was when they were just about to graduate college, the blue-haired girl broke up with her childhood beau.
“I’m sorry to have wasted your time….” She muttered brushing her midnight blue bangs away from her face.
“I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking and… I think I want my life to go in a different direction. And I think it best if we separate now and spare any additional heartbreak.”
Tasuku stood staring, shocked. He had been planning to propose marriage soon. They’d been together so many years. He couldn’t think of anything to say other than to let tears spring from his eyes as his one true love left him.
“I hope you understand Ta-chan. I hope to cross paths with you again someday.”
He watched her walk away through blurry vision, seeing her long silky hair flutter for the last time.
He barely managed to pass his last classes and dropped out of the college acting troupe at that time. They’d both been in it together as it was co-ed, but both of them dropped the group after separating.Tasuku was too heartbroken to even try to act. Sometimes he thought he saw her around campus, but anytime his eye caught a glance of that beautiful blue hair it was completely the wrong style. Must be someone else.
It was several months after leaving college that Tasuku felt mended enough to try acting again. One of the more notable acting troupes, Godza, was having open auditions with limited space available. He might as well take advantage of the opportunity.
In the waiting area he was faced with something unexpected. He looked around the room to assess the competition or perhaps recognize someone from college when he saw him. Undeniably the same face he knew. The piercing blue eyes he had acted across from so many times. But it was different. This was clearly a man. He stared intensely as if an answer would come to him. The man then turned and spotted him, nearly falling over in surprise.
“A-ah! Ta-chan!” The familiar yet unfamiliar man nearly shouted in surprise.
Tasuku felt a tightness in his chest at the familiar tone calling out his nickname, the feeling for his past relationship he thought long gone suddenly begging to be recognized.
“Y-you…..” Tasuku muttered, still in shock.
The man coughed and spoke in a decidedly lower tone.
“Ah.. Tasuku. I didn’t think I would run into you here. Please call me Tsumugi.”
“Tsumugi, huh? Wow how much can change in just a short time..”
They stood there awkwardly for a few moments, neither knowing exactly what to say until they were abruptly called in in the same audition group. Tasuku felt confusing butterflies in his stomach as he stood to audition, but oddly enough felt his passion for acting ignite being next to such a familiar force. He felt strong giving his monologue for the Godza director and panelists and felt he might actually have a shot. Stepping back into line he flashed a smile at his childhood friend.
Tsumugi didn’t see it as he was staring directly ahead, willing his nerves to calm. This would be his first time acting as a man. An awful big step sure, but he had been practicing in the meantime, and it seemed as though his changing voice was at a point where he could deliver a solid performance without ruining it with cracking like a teenage boy. He took a confident step forward to slate and give his monologue when called upon. It wasn’t perfect. He tried to incorporate aspects of Tasuku’s acting style that he thought would portray him as a masculine lead, while still allowing a small amount of his gentleness and subtlety he was known for to slip in. It wasn’t perfect but he hoped it was enough. He stood firm and nodded as the Godza director pointedly asked if he knew Godza was a male-only troupe. It was at that point he knew he was out. His heart sank, but he hoped that Tasuku would make it in in his stead, it’s what he deserves.
Tasuku looks for Tsumugi when the auditions let out, but he’s nowhere to be found. He walks around with a confusing pit in his stomach until he gets a call the next day letting him know he had made it into Godza. He was so excited to be included in such a successful acting troupe that he let the nasty comments the other actors and the directors made about his fellow auditonees waft unheard over his head.
Over time as Tasuku performs with Godza, he wonders about Tsumugi. He surely wouldn’t think he wouldn’t be accepting.. would he? There must be more at stake. How long had Tsumugi been feeling this? Had dating Tasuku held him back? Why did Tsumugi never come find him? He was gaining some renown as a member of Godza, he’s not hard to find. Letting himself stew on these feelings as the seasons went by he came to understand that Tsumugi didn’t want Tasuku in his life anymore. He must resent him for the time they spent together. He never heard of Tsumugi joining another troupe either. Was he running away from acting? Was the disappointment of not getting into Godza so great? All these thoughts stewing in his mind turned him bitter towards his former partner.
Godza changed Tasuku in a lot of ways. He turned more bitter towards other troupes. He pasted on a fake smile for his fans but he never pursued another relationship. He stewed in his emotions by himself, the atmosphere of the troupe never allowing for vulnerability. However when it came to his attention how unethical the troupe leadership was acting towards other troupes he could not stand by. He had been affected by the toxic mood, but not so much to completely abandon his morals. He found himself leaving Godza when a junior troupe member, Taichi, left to join the Mankai troupe.
He likely made a lot of enemies when he left Godza, but he felt he had to. He felt lost as he auditioned for troupe after troupe, none of them wanting to cross Godza’s blacklisting of him. That was until he spotted Taichi out on Veludo way and struck a conversation with some members of the Mankai troupe.
It was then he recognized a man that was among them.
“Tsumugi….” He stammered out, his feelings swirling within him treacherously. He couldn’t decide if he was happy or sad or angry seeing the familiar face again.
Tsumugi laughed nervously and rubbed the back of his neck the way he always used to. The rest of the troupe stared in curiosity as they stared at each other, once again at a loss for words.
The intense moment between them was broken when the director asked Tsumugi if he knew Tasuku. He humbly answered that they were childhood friends and acted together in college, letting the unspoken history still rest in the turbulent energy between them.
Taichi and the director suggested he join Mankai since he was looking for a troupe and they were looking for members. Tasuku had one condition.
“Tsumugi. If I join, will you run away again?” The ‘from me’ was left unspoken but understood between the two men. Tasuku remained stoic, wanting Tsumugi to know he was serious, but not wanting to seem hostile towards his ex.
“I won’t run away, I promise, Ta-chan.” And that was that and Tasuku was making arrangements to move into the dorms later that day.
Tasuku was still unsure and very much not dealing with the feelings dredged up by seeing Tsumugi again when he arrived at Mankai to move in. Room arrangements were discussed and the Director suggested Tasuku room with Tsumugi since they already knew each other. Knowing each other is an understatement. How do you describe a relationship where you were once merely a step away from marriage but hadn’t seen each other in years following the revelation of a major aspect of the other’s life?
Tasuku looked to Tsumugi, silently asking for his opinion. Tsumugi muttered nervously,
“Ah.. If Ta-chans okay with it…”
Tasuku was afraid of overstepping any boundaries that may now exist between them, but if Tsumugi was okay with it, he was as well and indicated as such. They had shared a room and even a bed several times before but that was ancient history now.
The men settled into their shared dorm silently. Each would sneak glances at the other when they thought they weren’t looking, but otherwise did not interact.
Things remained awkward between them as the newly christened winter troupe began practices. Tasuku was never the best at dealing with emotions and the easy beginner exercises the troupe went through allowed his mind to wander and think about Tsumugi and his confusing feelings surrounding the other man. Tsumugi’s nerves and general wishy-washy behavior leading the troupe only enforced Tasuku’s negative emotions he had developed during his time at God troupe. Tsumugi wasn’t ready to commit to acting like he was. Tasuku let himself snap at Tsumugi and his new troupemates.
He lay in his loft bed at night and thought. He regretted how negative and hostile seeing Tsumugi again had made him. Internally he was just as nervous about this endeavor as Tsumugi was portraying, but that and everything else swirling around in his head and his heart that he didn’t want to fully acknowledge had him on edge.
Seeing Reni and Haruto from Godza again just reinforced his decision to leave them. He couldn’t believe how blind he’d been to the hostility Reni exuded from his being, and the look he saw in Haruto’s eye that he had never noticed before. He knew they would have to majorly step to the plate as a troupe to beat them at their own game, but the decision was not his. He wanted Tsumugi to decide. To decide whether he wanted to be a man and step up to his position or not. He regretted the thought as soon as it formed, knowing that was a stupid view to have. Tsumugi didn’t have to be a certain way to be a man. Tasuku wasn’t stupid. He just wanted to know if the passion they had shared so many years ago now, was still there. He felt his stagnant love twitch in his chest just begging to be stirred again, but staunchly ignored it. Tsumugi had decided for them all those years ago that they wouldn’t be together like that ever again.
Tasuku tried and failed to maintain a level head when Tsumugi once again failed to prove himself a leader to the troupe. They wouldn’t be facing Godza without a leader and Tasuku stubbornly refused to take the helm. This was Tsumugi’s chance. He went to bed angry, unwilling to believe how low his former love’s passion and self-esteem had slipped.
The next day was literally the same. Tasuku and Tsumugi shared glances with each other but otherwise made no attempt to change how the day went assuming the day would change after they slept.
The following day was the same with the exception of Misumi demanding they make up in performance to this…. doll. Toy. Plush. Whatever. Making up was all well and good in theory, but the unspoken feelings and shared history sat between them like a brick wall as they pretended to be friends for the doll’s sake.
Tasuku was frustrated but not so surprised to find out that hadn’t fooled whatever force was making him and Tsumugi repeat this day ad finitum. He hatched a plan to try and force them to face each other for real. They were never good at talking things out, but he recalled a habit they had while dating in college. Whenever they had a fight they would stop talking to each other. But what often brought them back together was acting. It was time for a repeat. In a language they both spoke fluently.
Instead of following the same path the previous days had gone, Tasuku dragged Tsumugi out onto Veludo way. Tsumugi was confused as Tasuku initiated an etude. Their eyes met, and without a word of explanation Tsumugi picked up the ball where Tasuku had left it. They bantered back and forth, rarely letting their eyes leave the other. Acting with each other again was like magic. Suddenly a fire was lit in each of their hearts and eyes and they felt more alive than they had in years.
They didn’t notice the crowd that formed around them, and startled at the applause that erupted when they finished their scene. They laughed together and ran off away from the crowd. Tasuku felt the butterflies in his stomach fly around reinvigorated as he watched the man he had just realized he was still in love with struggling to keep up behind him. The brightness of that familiar smile made him feel warm and comforted in a way he hadn’t felt in so long.
They settled down to rest near the entrance to the train station. Tsumugi caught his breath as they sat there reflecting.
“Its.. been so long since we performed an etude together.. since college?” Tsumugi spoke up, “I’ve missed acting with you. I’d forgotten how well we play together..”
Tasuku responded in kind, “Acting with you.. always makes me strive to be better. I’ve yet to meet anyone who pushes me in a scene the way you do.”
Tsumugi laughed lightly, “Ever since grade school, all I’ve wanted to do is act with you. I had hoped after meeting you again at the God troupe auditions that would continue….” He looked away sadly.
“Godza wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. You deserve better.”
Tsumugi looked up at Tasuku.
“I was so crushed that I gave up theater after that. I figured I wasn’t cut out for acting as a man. But, that feeling of being on stage is unforgettable. I couldn’t let that go. I needed to try again. And that’s why I’m back.”
“What do you want to do now that you’re back? Defer the lead to me to beat Godza?” The look in the larger man’s eyes was challenging. He hoped Tsumugi would accept.
“No.. Truthfully?I want to stand tall on stage as the lead myself.” Tsumugi steeled his face as he said this, more solid in his convictions.
Tasuku responded, “Then tell them that. Go back to winter troupe and tell them what you just told me. I believe in you and support your leadership.”
“..Really?” Their eyes met again, Tsumugi showing his hesitancy and nerves, “Do you really mean that?”
Tasuku nodded firmly, “Of course. I know what you can do. I know you can do it.”
“When you put it like that, I feel like I could do anything. Just like the old days.”
They both smiled and looked into the distance wistfully. Just like the old days. They each knew in their hearts, but didn’t want to say, that the love they once shared was still there. Latent for so long, but never really gone.
Tasuku looked at Tsumugi and opened his mouth as if to confess his true feelings, when they were interrupted by a loud kid with red hair.
Taichi and Banri from Mankai happened to be heading home with groceries at the same time. Tsumugi and Tasuku let the conversation between them drop and helped the boys carry their bags back to the dorm.
Tsumugi let the boys head in ahead of him and caught Tasuku by the hand.
“Okay, where were we?” The open-ended question could have a multitude of answers between the two men, but Tasuku answered simply.
“I want you to tell them what you told me.” They let the unspoken feelings between them remain unsaid for the time being.
“Okay.” And they both head back inside to regroup with the troupe.
Tasuku listened as Tsumugi gave his story to the troupe later that evening. He noticed what was left out, such as the fact he was a woman when they acted before, and what Reni really said at the God troupe audition that day. It was understandable that Tsumugi didn’t want to air all that personal stuff at this time. Tasuku’s heart wrenched when Tsumugi spoke of how badly God troupe’s rejection had affected him. Tasuku smiled along with Tsumugi when he spoke with confidence about how he wanted to lead the group against Godza. This was the confidence and self assured actor he knew.
“..Damn right you will. I won’t let you run away again.” Tasuku slapped his hand on Tsumugi’s back. They looked at each other and smiled in agreement as the other troupe members around them expressed their resolve and excitement to go up against Godza.
Lubricated from celebration drinks, Tasuku found himself leaning against Tsumugi and staring at his face more that was probably necessary. Tsumugi didn’t have as many drinks, but still didn’t push Tasuku away. Tsumugi noticed Azuma’s knowing eyes linger on the two of them, but was too drunk to try and refute whatever conclusions he was coming to.
As the two men stumbled into their shared dorm, Tsumugi found himself pressed against the wall by Tasuku.
“Tsumu….”Tasuku slurred, “I love you so mcuh… *hic*..”
Tsumugi pushed the larger man’s face away as he attempted to lean in for a kiss.
“Ta-chan…,”Tsumugi giggled, “We’re both sloshed. Haha.. Now’s not the time for this..”
Tasuku instead reached in a picked up Tsumugi by the waist and spun him around in circles, stumbling and stopping when the drink in his system would no longer allow him to balance. They both laughed but did not separate, holding each other in their dark dorm room. Their embrace fell into a sort of swaying slow dance as neither of their incapacitated brains had the will to separate.
“Ta-chan…” Tsumugi almost whispered into the larger man’s chest.
“Tsumu…..” Tasuku let his eyes fall shut, enjoying Tsumugi’s warmth against him.
“Ta-chan… we need to go to bed. Who knows if we’ll even remember this in the morning.”
Tasuku let his tiredness and Tsumugi’s gentle hands guide him up to his bed where he was out like a light in just a few moments.
Tsumugi put himself to bed and thoughts of his childhood boyfriend’s smiling face danced behind his eyelids as he too succumbed to sleep.
Tasuku groaned as he woke with a splitting headache. God he wasn’t in college anymore he should be better at avoiding hangovers. Looking over he saw Tsumugi quietly going about his morning routine and tending to his indoor plants. All at once his heart was filled with affection hitting him like a sledgehammer. He finds his memory of the previous night fuzzy and hopes he didn’t do anything stupid last night due to his newly rekindled feelings.
Tsumugi looks up and sees that Tasuku is awake.
“Ah Ta-chan! How are you feeling? You had quite a few last night.”
Tasuku groans and grumbles his way out of his bed, taking care not to slip and fall down the ladder.
“Terrible headache.. I’ll be fine though.
Tsumugi points at a glass of water and a few pills left on Tasuku’s desk.
“I figured that might be the case and got some painkillers for you.”
Tasuku mumbles a thanks as he takes the medicine and gets ready for morning practice. Tsumugi isn’t acting weird at all so Tasuku hopes that means he didn’t let his feelings get the better of him while inebriated.
It was all business and Tsumugi, Tasuku, along with the rest of winter troupe as well as Izumi, Yuki, and Tsuzuru discussed the play that should be put on to best defeat Godza. Tsumugi noticed that almost all the terseness that Tasuku had previously shown was gone and it its place was the passion for acting they’d always shared. Slipping back into discussing theater with Tasuku was like coming home after a long day. It may not have been evident to the others, but Tsumugi has known Tasuku long enough to see the excitement written in his eyes discussing the new play.
Their shared excitement and passion was only lit further when they actually received their scripts from a barely awake Tsuzuru. Tsumugi and Tasuku ran lines and practiced by themselves even outside planned winter troupe practices. Playing across from each other was addictive and they fell right back into the easy stage relationship they had before. There was no time to think too much between the discussions on character and theme and the best ways to say certain lines, but Tsumugi felt a bittersweetness to the similarities between him and Michael. They both held a love they could never have. Tasuku would never want him as his true self. The other night he must have forgotten in his drunkenness how Tsumugi had changed himself. It hurt to suddenly be faced everyday with his love that had never really faded.
They all dove head first into practice, already proving themselves a step ahead of where the previous troupes had been when they performed for Yuzo. Though admittedly, Yuzo was correct when he said that there was still distance between the troupe. It was different for Tsumugi and Tasuku, but with the others.. they were still essentially strangers.
Later that evening they all sat around a table at a dimly lit bar sharing drinks to get to know each other better. In pursuit of better understanding each other, the topic of their love lives was brought up. Tasuku quirked an eyebrow at Tsumugi as Izumi talked about her previous relationship. He subtly shook his head in response. Tasuku nodded curtly in acknowledgement. Izumi then nominated Tsumugi to speak next.
“The first time I went out with a woman was when I left theater and went to work full-time.”
“What?!” Tasuku wondered if this was true. He supposed that Tsumugi wasn’t lying entirely since he spoke of specifically his first relationship with a woman.
“Wait, I never mentioned that?” Tsumugi questioned.
“We weren’t really in touch after college..” Tasuku volunteered.
“Ah yeah that’s true..”Tsumugi left off, decidedly not elaborating around everyone else at the table.
Izumi completely misses the tension hidden in Tasuku and Tsumugi’s banter and continues to question about this relationship.
“Ah well it didn’t last all that long.. Not quite a year? It wasn’t anything personal. I broke it off and she understood and accepted it.” Tsumugi paused as if to reminisce about the true nature of the break up, then stared at Tasuku and nominated him to speak next.
Tasuku was surprised, but supposed it would be weird if he didn’t speak to the topic. He didn’t want to lie.. but he wanted to respect Tsumugi’s privacy as well.
“I’ve only gone out with one person in my life. It was a good relationship that lasted quite a while.” Tasuku tried his best to remain vague and was grateful when Tsumugi added to the story.
“Haha.. but you’ve always been a magnet for girls and guys.”
The others chuckled at Tsumugi’s teasing. Tasuku played along,
“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves… let’s just say I had fans of all genders.”
“You got all kinds of fan mail, you even had devoted fans back in college.”
“Yeah, yeah and you’d never help me carry it back home.” Tasuku was grateful for the subject change. This was all true after all. They just didn’t mention the admirers that would send Tsumugi flowers all the time as well.
They continued chatting as a group around the bar, consuming a reasonable amount of alcohol (aside from Hisoka who drank vodka like it was water). Tasuku thought to himself about how fair it was to the group that he and Tsumugi were lying to them. Not directly, but definitely lying by omission. Tasuku shook his head. It’s not relevant anymore. They weren’t a couple anymore. He should just be grateful that things weren’t awkward with Tsumugi considering their history.
Unbeknownst to the other, the two men each spent their night staring at the dark ceiling thinking about the other. Thinking back to their time together in the past and thinking that the other would never take them back.
They found themselves alone eating lunch in the common room the next day. Tasuku tentatively brought up the question on his mind.
“Was that.. was the story you told last night true?”
Tsumugi looked up at him in confusion.
“About dating that woman after college.”
Tsumugi hummed in understanding and set down his utensils.
“Ah that. Yes it is true I dated a woman while I was apart from acting.Though I may have.. left out some details. Remember the lesbian who would drag me to ladies night at the gay club sometimes back in college? We went out a bit. It wasn’t a real relationship I don’t think,” Tsumugi’s smile was gone as he talked, Tasuku listening intently.
“She… never really saw me for me. I think she was too stuck on who I used to be. I don’t think I liked her that way either. I’ve never really been interested in women that way I don’t think. It was nice to have some companionship but… It was nothing really.” Tsumugi went silent.
“I didn’t mean to bring it up if it’s upsetting.”
“No.. it’s okay. It’s probably healthy for me to speak of it the way it actually was.”
Tasuku hummed in understanding.
They sat in silence for a moment before Tasuku spoke up again.
“I never dated after… I had opportunities but… No one else ever caught my interest.”
They continued to sit in silence, neither wanting to get too close to a sore point. They avoided eye contact, each lost in their thoughts as they washed their dishes and left the common area to go about their day.
Tsumugi is a bit nervous as Yuki calls him into his dorm room to take his measurements for his costume. He sees piles of beautiful fabric and feathers strewn about the room and pieces pinned on dress forms. Tsumugi had worked with costuming a bit in the past, but he was never especially talented at it. He hoped that Yuki had enough expertise to pull this off considering his age.
“Alright come in and strip, I need all your clothes off to get accurate measurements.” Yuki barked at him as soon as he had the door shut behind him.
Tsumugi quickly looked around the room to be sure it was just him and Yuki before removing his clothes and placing them neatly in a pile. He stood there in just his underwear and undershirt as Yuki approached with a measuring tape and notebook. Tsumugi was acutely aware of how thin his undershirt was, showing the presence of his binder underneath. Yuki didn’t seem surprised or bothered as he diligently took Tsumugi’s measurements and scribbled them down.
“Alright you’re good, you can get dressed.” Yuki said when he was finished.
He continued, “Don’t worry, I’m not going to say anything if you’re trying to be stealth.”
Tsumugi made a noise of confusion as he pulled his shirt back over his head.
“I’m a trans guy too. We gotta stick together. If you don’t want anyone else to know you’re trans I won’t be the one to leak it. You can trust me.”
Tsumugi was surprised at how knowledgeable and mature Yuki was being at his age, but couldn’t think of anything better to say than a small, “Thanks,” before leaving the room.
It was nice to know he wasn’t the only trans guy in Mankai, even if Yuki wasn’t really his peer age-wise.
Tasuku practiced his lines and blocking alone in the practice room before they were all scheduled to meet. He did this often, too excited to wait for the clock to practice. Azuma walked in and sat against the wall, watching Tasuku. He finished his phrase before stopping to greet Azuma.
“You’re here early. Do you need to run something before practice as well?”
Azuma smiled, “No, I was merely hoping to catch you alone and it seems my hopes have come true.”
Tasuku, ever a man with a one track mind pulled out his script and flipped to some of the pages of Phillip’s dialogue, “Oh did you want help with your role, I’d be happy to discuss my thoughts-”
Tasuku eyes were guided away from the pages when Azuma placed his hand upon his arm.
“No, rather I was hoping to discuss something more personal. Pardon my frankness, but I was wondering about the nature of your and Tsumugi’s relationship. I think I can read people well enough to know there is something between you two going unspoken.”
“Ah.” Tasuku let out, closing his script. “You are very observant Azuma. You are correct, however I don’t want to talk about any of our private history without Tsumugi’s okay.”
“So it’s just history then? That’s not what I would assume watching you two.” Azuma’s gaze was unreadable. Tasuku hopes that he is just as unreadable when he responds.
“Now we are merely troupe-mates. Nothing more.” Tasuku feels his chest twist when he says this. How he wished they could be more.
“I see,” Azuma responds, eyes still tracking Tasuku as he gets up to run more lines.
Preparations were quickly falling into place for Sympathy for an Angel, costumes were completed, sets were made, and the whole company was out in droves handing out flyers to sell tickets. Each member from winter troupe split off separately to hand out flyers in different areas. Tsumugi stood at a corner smiling and making small talk to passersby about the troupe and the upcoming show. Things were going well until a comment from a shady guy in sunglasses made his blood freeze.
“Tsumugi Tsukioka? Don’t make me laugh. I heard you’re a woman who tried to sneak into joining Godza, but they saw right through you and rejected you. Is it true you challenged them to this act-off as revenge?”
Tsumugi paled, “Huh? Where did you hear this?”
The man responded, “I saw it online. Everyone’s talking about it.”
“E-everyone…?”
It was then they were interrupted by Tasuku angrily running up to the mysterious man. He grabbed the man by the collar.
“Who the fuck do you think you are?”
Tsumugi tugged on Tasuku’s arm, “Ta-chan don’t! It’s fine!”
Tasuku dropped the man. As soon as he let go, the man scrambled away down the street.
“Ta-chan! You didn’t have to do that! Think of how badly that could reflect on the company if people saw you assaulting random people on the street!” Tsumugi had tears prickling the corners of his eyes as he yelled at Tasuku.
“Tsumu… He had no right to say those things about you.” Tasuku released his tension, the threat long gone.
“Tasuku. You don’t have to protect me. I can handle things myself.” A tear slowly rolled down Tsumugi’s face as he spoke sternly to the larger man.
“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to offend you. I just. Can’t stand to see people think that way about you.” Tasuku’s fists clench at his sides.
Tsumugi sighs. “I’m glad you support me Ta-chan. But mean people are remarkably common.” Tsumugi rested his head against Tasuku’s chest.
“I’m tired, Ta-chan, let’s just go home.”
Tasuku hummed in agreement. “That’s probably for the best, come on.”
Neither of them saw Haruto sneaking away from the narrow alley where he’d been hiding, watching the men’s conversation.
Things were tense within the troupe. Apparently a suspicious man had been spreading rumours about several of the members causing doubts within each of their minds. Homare didn’t help by spelling out everyone’s issues so plainly. It wasn’t a completely correct assessment, but no one wanted to correct him either. Rehearsal was cancelled for the evening to give the men room to get over their hang-ups. Each of the members went their separate ways. Tsumugi went to bed early. Tasuku went out for an evening run.
Tasuku knew going for a run always helped clear his head. He tried not to think too hard and just focus on the movement of his legs, the wind in his hair, the lights of the streets he passes. It’s kind of meditative. In absence of any music, thoughts about the day drift into his mind. Thoughts about Tsumugi, the strange man, the concerns of his fellow troupe members. Tasuku lets them pass and focuses on putting one leg in front of the other. One thought he can’t seem to shake is just Tsumugi. It made him hurt to see Tsumugi so upset. At him no less. But he can’t seem to regret stepping in against the strange man’s mean words. He thinks on Tsumugi’s response. How often does Tsumugi have to deal with transphobic jerks like that? He longed to bash anyone’s head in who dared cross his Tsumugi. He shook his head. No. Not his Tsumugi.
He greeted Homare who was in the hall when he walked in from his run. Homare gave him a strange look and glanced at the magnifying glass in his hand. Weird but when was Homare ever not weird.
Homare heard Tasukus true feelings that had been on his mind through the loupe as he came back into the dorm.
“I wish Tsumugi was mine. I miss him. I want to protect him.”
Interesting.. very curt, very simple, very Tasuku, but at the same time Homare considered the meaning of the words. Perhaps he should be careful with this object to not reveal too many more secrets he shouldn’t be party to.
Tasuku walked into the shared dorm room to see Tsumugi poring over an old photo book at his desk. Tasuku tried his best to sneakily glance at it as he walked across the room. It looked… familiar.
“Ah! Tsumu is that…?” Tasuku couldn’t help himself once he saw what the photos were.
“Yeah… photos from our college troupe,” Tsumugi answered, not lifting his eyes from the page.
Tasuku got closer to look at the photos properly. There were pictures of them and their old friends. Nearly every picture had Tasuku and Tsumugi next to each other. There were some pictures of casts goofing off in the green room before a performance, closing night celebrations, and even a few photos taken of them on stage acting.
“Where did you get these… I never got a copy.” Tasuku muttered quietly.
“I know we… both left rather abruptly. Another member delivered this to me after they were put together. There was one made for each member of the troupe. I wouldn’t know who has it, but there was probably one made for you as well.” Tsumugi finally looked up at Tasuku over his shoulder.
“Sorry I was just… reminiscing. I don’t want to bring back any hard memories.” Tsumugi admits.
“It’s okay. It’s easier to think about with you back in my life. We… had a good time back then. I am so happy to share a stage with you once again, Tsumugi.”
Tasuku bowed his head to Tsumugi and walked away to get his things ready for bed.
The next morning’s practice starts surprisingly well. Homare still has that weird magnifying glass, but he’s helping to repair the troupe’s issues surprisingly well. Tasuku thinks to himself that it’s almost like Homare can see their concerns and is responding to them. But that would be stupid.
Homare does his best to use the loupe’s power responsibly when patching things up with winter troupe but catches some odd thoughts as they discuss how to make the troupe functional again.
He points the loupe to Tsumugi, “I think our acting would improve if I could just get over him..”
Homare sees Tsumugi glance to Tasuku but quickly looks away again. Interesting…
He points the loupe to Tasuku. “I need to not hurt Tsumugi’s feelings again. If I can’t love him anymore, the least I can do is not hurt him.”
Huh.
Homare points the loupe to Azuma for good measure, “Tasuku and Tsumugi need to get over whatever roadblock is between them, if they just XXX..”
Homare pulled away and tried not to show any signs of having heard that.
“I wonder if Homare has any more marshmallows stashed in the dorm….”
Ah yes at least one fellow troupe member that isn’t consumed by romance. He wonders whether them being together or not would really make a difference. They clearly shared a strong bond through their acting. Are relationships really so important to others?
The winter troupe show was nearly here. Final preparations and tweaks were being made. It was hard to catch a time when the troupe members weren’t either discussing the show, running lines over and over, or doing rehearsal. Things were really shaping up and everyone was excited.
The night before opening night Tasuku couldn’t sleep. He tossed and turned but his mind was churning with lines and blocking and delivery. He eventually gave up and quietly grabbed his script and snuck out as to not bother his roommate. He sat in the hallway next to their door scribbling notes in his script and muttering his lines, practicing deliveries and emphases. He heard the door creak open and looked up to see Tsumugi coming out to join him.
“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to wake you.” Tasuku spoke softly in the night air.
“It’s alright I couldn’t sleep either. Opening night is so exciting I can’t help but be kept up thinking about it.”
Tasuku hums in agreement.
They sit in silence for a moment, calmly enjoying the other’s company so late at night.
With the quiet of the night and heaviness of exhaustion making it easier to talk about hard things Tsumugi asks Tasuku a question.
“Do you regret joining Godza? … Or conversely, do you regret leaving them?”
Tasuku sighs. He’s aware some people think he has conspired with Godza against Mankai, but that’s something he would never do.
“I’m… glad I got the experience I did at Godza, but… Leaving was the best decision I ever made. There’s so much nastiness behind the scenes and I didn’t even realize how much it was affecting me until they finally crossed a line and I quit.”
Tasuku rubbed at his tired eyes.
“I’m glad you didn’t make it in. They wouldn’t have treated you right.” Tasuku glances down as he feels himself blushing thinking about Tsumugi.
“You don’t have to worry so much about me Ta-chan…” Tsumugi lets his head fall against Tasuku’s shoulder.
“But, I want to. Don’t think I try to protect you because I feel obligated. I don’t want anyone to hurt you... because I care about you too much.” Tasuku covers his face with his hand, knowing he’s likely said too much.
“Care.. too much?” Tsumugi repeated questioningly.
“I’ve… only loved one person my whole life. And I still love them. Him. You. I know you broke up with me, but I’ve never been able to fully move on. I’m sorry if that causes you any trouble…” Tasuku rambles until he is suddenly interrupted.
“You… love me? Still?” Tsumugi pushes Tasuku’s hand away and holds his face so they can stare into each other’s eyes.
“I don’t think I ever stopped loving you Tsumu. Even after everything. I loved you then and I love you now.”
“Ta-chan… I love you too. I never thought you could love me as who I truly am…” Tears well up in Tsumugi’s eyes.
“You make such a handsome man, how was I supposed to stop from falling in love with you all over again?” Tasuku laughs as tears form in his eyes as well.
Tsumugi moves to press their foreheads together.
“I’ve… been so foolish. We’ve both been so foolish…”
Tsumugi pulls away to hold his hand against Tasuku’s cheek. Neither say a word as they bring their faces together and kiss once again, for the first time in many years.
Tasuku speaks up, his voice hardly more than a whisper, “Do you… do you want to try this… us. again? As boyfriends this time.”
Tsumugi presses a soft kiss to Tasuku’s lips, “I want nothing more.”