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Beca's not drunk. She's only had a couple of drinks. A little buzzed then, maybe.
Twenty minutes before she goes on stage.
Obviously it's not her first time performing and the crowd doesn't even rate among the top five largest crowds she's ever performed in front of. Not with three ICCA nationals wins, an (admittedly disastrous) performance in front of the President at the Kennedy Center, their win at World's, and her experience (sort of) opening for DJ Khaled. So the size of the audience isn't the problem
It's the fact that for the first time literally ever, Beca is going to perform her own original music ( Flashlight is more Emily's), live for an audience. From the album she just finished literally weeks ago. At the release party.
So yeah her nerves are a little shot and she needs a little liquid courage. Getting drunk was never really a thing she did, even with the Bellas who tended to see the presence of full bottles as a challenge. That still hasn't changed in the last few years.
But, she's not drunk. She knows because even though she keeps thinking that Emily looks unfairly pretty in her slinky little silver gray dress, Beca immediately averts her eyes every time she does.
Drunk her is both utterly shameless and completely unsubtle. Once, during freshman year she nearly mounted both Chloe and Jesse at the same time when she got drunk. She made them both promise never to bring it up again the next morning. A promise neither of them kept particularly well.
That she isn't basically throwing herself at Emily is how Beca knows she isn't drunk. That she has to keep remembering that is how she knows she's way in over her head with this whole having feelings thing. She really wished Cynthia-Rose had been able to make it, but she just got finished deploying to… somewhere. Beca's not actually sure.
Not that Cynthia-Rose has been all that helpful. Most she just telling her to do something stupid like talk to Emily about her feelings, 'see where she stands,' which Beca is emphatically not going to do.
Things with Jesse may have ended okay, but that was basically entirely down to distance and Jesse himself being over cool about everything. Honestly, Beca isn't sure relationships are for her, not with her history. With how things ended between her mom and dad, she's just not sure she trusts herself with anyone else's heart like that.
She's so caught up in her thoughts that Beca doesn't notice Emily come over until she speaks up.
"Are you okay?"
Beca nearly drops her glass over the railing.
"Dude," she wheezes.
"Sorry," Emily says, but she's laughing. Beca rolls her eyes. "Seriously, are you okay? You've been over her for, like, fifteen minutes just staring at the stage."
"Yeah, totally," she nods.
Emily gives her a searching look, then leans in to join her in staring down the lower floor where a mixture of music fans, minor local celebrities, people Beca actually knows, and people who helped make the album mingle together. Their arms brush. Immediately her throat tightens and a flush creeps up the back of her neck.
She sighs, "It's just-" she threw her arm out, "All those people down there."
Nothing about this had ever been in her plans, Beca had wanted to be a producer. Someone who worked behind the scenes to make other people's music and somehow she'd gone from that to this . To being the person produced.
It wasn't her dream. And honestly she isn't quite sure what to do with it all; the attention, the focus, the eyes turning suddenly on her.
Looking down at the crowd, Emily shrugged, "Wasn't the crowd in France bigger? And then didn't you open for DJ Khaled for, like, three weeks?"
It was more like opening for his opener. Beca sighs, it really isn't the size of the audience.
"I had all of your guys with me that night," she says. "And it was never my own stuff, not that I had songs of my own then, but I was always covering other people's music. It was different."
"Now…"
"You're right, it's different," Emily finishes, nodding. "I almost threw up twice before we sang Flashlight at Worlds and it was only, like, half of our set? You took most of the pressure off me for that."
"So, you see? You've already done all this before."
Beca shakes her head, "Dude no. Flashlight was yours, I just helped you get it those last few steps."
"Just like this album is all mine, and…"
She pauses, looks out on the crowd below. Tries to pick out familiar faces out of the sea and can't.
"What if they don't like it? My music, my album. Me."
Does she even want them to? Or should she give it all up, let the album fade into obscurity and just go back to producing music for other people. Beca is so caught up in her thoughts that she's caught completely by surprise when Emily suddenly wraps her up in a sudden hug. Which of course means that her entire body locks up for a good three seconds.
Strands of black hair tickle across the exposed skin of her clavicle and the very top of her cleavage. Warm arms wrap around her shoulders and Beca can feel the soft give of Emily's chest pressing against her upper arm; that basically short circuits every single thought in her head.
"... so good. You love music and that comes through so clearly in everything you make and I just know that people are going to love your stuff," Emily is saying once Beca manages to get some part of her brain working again.
"Just as much as I do."
She managed, during the mad dash at the end to get early copies out to all the Bellas so they could hear it all early and she got universally positive reviews from all of them (okay, well Lilly/Esther said something about expecting more screaming, but Beca has given up at making sense of anything she says at this point) and maybe that should have mattered more to her. But for some reason hearing it from Emily, now, with her arms literally wrapped around Beca, in that watery voice that says she's probably crying a little. It does things to Beca.
Heat literally explodes across her neck and back and chest. And her heart starts beating wildly in her chest and she feels like she could go run around the building about fifty times. Beca wants to turn and kiss her.
Which is how she knows she really has to get out of there. Like now. So what she does is wrap one arm around Emily's waist, somewhat awkwardly given their positions, and squeeze before disentangling herself.
"Thanks" Beca says as she meets Emily's indeed watery eyes and tries not to explode on the spot. "I'm- I, uh, you're like half the reason I ever finished the album anyways."
That was maybe too much.
"But, um I should probably go get ready to… um, perform."
What the fuck? Did she actually just tuck her hair behind her ears? Absolutely time to be getting out of here, Beca may have overshot on the number of drinks. The smile she gives Emily as she goes is probably a little too wide, a little too overeager, but there's nothing she can do about that.
*
*
Of course the moment she gets on stage (not actually a stage) instinct takes over. Any problems Beca might have had with performing in front of people went away early on in her career with the Bellas and at this point she can run through a performance on autopilot. She doesn't.
Because as much as eighteen year old Beca would hate to hear her admit it, she cares about doing a good job. She did even when it wasn't her music.
Two songs in she's almost completely forgotten about being worried. Lost in the magic of performing. It's a bumpy, pop-y sort of number that's sort of about the feeling of being young and free and having the world at your fingertips. Beca doesn't necessarily love it, but it's fun and high energy and works to get the crowd engaged which is what she wants.
She sings out to the crowd and hears them echo back her words, in fits and starts because none of them actually know the song, and instantly feels the intimate connection. Now she's not just singing to the crowd but part of it too, Beca on stage and Beca in amongst the press of bodies.
Five songs in now.
This one is slower, sadder. Singing it actually hurts in a way, but a good sort of pain. It's half about her parent's divorcse and half about coming to Barden and meeting all the Bellas for the first time. About endings and beginnings and navigating opening back up to love and connection. Tears prickle at the corner of her eyes, threatening to spill.
She holds onto the feeling, pouring it into her voice as she draws closer to the emotional crescendo and Beca can practically feel the audience being pulled along. Watches their eyes go teary too and knows that this is right, this is good. There's a moment of silence, an anticipatory pause, before the dam breaks that Beca holds half a second longer than she normally would. Just because she feels like it.
When it crashes down she actually feels a physical reaction, a shudder that winds down her spine.
The applause and cheers that follow are their own sort of catharsis. And as she takes a moment to catch her breath and prepare for the next song, Beca looks out into the crowd and catches Chloe's eyes. Beside her Flo gives her two huge thumbs up.
Her dad is back near the bar, with the step-monster (Beca actually likes Sheila, the nickname is too fun to pass up using though), obviously out of place but beyond proud. Before she got on stage she saw Stacie somewhere out in the crowd. Jesse and Benji are also somewhere.
She hasn't seen Emily since she came down. It doesn't bother her. The next couple of songs are more upbeat, bouncy things to get people moving.
Song nine is… tough. It's probably the most personal song on the album. Take My Hand is almost entirely about Beca struggling with actually needing other people and so of course it's basically all about the Bellas. There's bits of her relationship with Jesse in there too.
And then obviously a lot of her feelings for Emily snuck in. She didn't realize it until she'd finished writing the song late one night in the studio and suddenly desperately wanted to show it to her more than anyone else. It frightened Beca so much she almost didn't put the song on the album. But in the end she couldn't do that; her feelings might terrify her, she might not be ready to act on them, that doesn't mean Beca is ready to bury them completely.
So as she's singing out she focuses on the other parts of it, the parts about the Bellas, catching Chloe's eye and sending her a smile. The entire reason she's even up on this stage, that there's any album to speak of at all, is because of that group of weird girls. Women now. Even though most of them aren't there, Beca is singing it to them.
In that moment she looks for Chloe and Flo again, to give them another smile, but just as she catches them Beca looks beyond into the shadowed edges of the crowd and sees Emily. There's something about her face, open and distant and shadowed all at once, that strikes her and pins Beca in place.
She can't avert her eyes.
And so
If you'll
Have me
Have me
Have me
Beca's voice is shaky, shaken, as she sings. The music sounds far off and muted in her ears and the roar of the crowd is only a breath of wind against her skin as the lights around her fade into dimness.
Just take my hand
Maybe I won't stumble
So much this time
If you take my hand
In yours
Everything else drifts into the background as Beca continues to sing, the words transforming in her mouth. Now it's not about the Bellas. And in that moment she knows what she has to do, that she can't keep hiding behind her fears and excuses if she's going to do this thing; that being an artist, that being alive, means she can't just let people into her life she has to seek them out too.
Of course, then reality rushes in around her and Beca remembers she has a set to finish. Keep finishing. She knew she could do this on autopilot. Even as she keeps going, moving seamlessly, easily, from song to song Beca keeps looking back at Emily. Sending her secret little smiles that she can't even understand.
But she will soon.
*
*
Fifteen minutes later, after Beca has worked her way free of the well wishes and congratulations and friendly hugs Emily is nowhere to be found again. Chloe doesn't know where she went. It takes another four minutes of searching to find her. There's a little balcony on the second floor, tucked into the corner. Barely more than ten by ten little square looking out onto the rest of the city.
Emily turns the second she opens the door, before Beca's even taken her first steps. She hesitates as her previous bravery evaporates.Too late to back down though.
"Hey," Beca says, wishing she were wearing more than jeans and a silk shirt.
"Oh, hey hum sorry if you were looking for me. It was just so hot in there, you know, and I though… well I didn't think you would need me and I-"
Beca finds herself across the small distance between them in an instant. She doesn't quite reach out to wrap her up in a hug, that's still not her first instinct, but Beca does lay a hand on her shoulder.
"Relax, Legacy. You're fine," then she corrects herself, "Actually you know what? You're great."
Emily blushes, pleased, and smiles.
"We're you-" but she stops herself before finishing that thought. "I mean, obviously you were looking for some alone time, I can leave if you want?"
Beca only really understands the words she's saying dimly, she's distracted by the feel of Emily's skin under her fingers. The way the warmth of her seems to travel up Beca's arm and straight into her heart. There's a little spot there, a little dip between shoulder and clavicle that she has the urge to press her lips to suddenly.
It's only when Emily actually starts to pull away to leave that Beca realizes the meaning behind the sounds her brain wasn't processing and tightens her grip.
"No," she says. More forcefully than she meant.
When Emily looks back at her, confused, she clears her throat, "I mean, I didn't come out here just to get away from everyone. I was actually looking for you."
"Oh, okay, " she settles back against the railing.
Watches Beca expectantly. This is it, time to put up or shut up. She has no idea what to say.
A long beat of silence settles in between them but Emily seems okay with just the two of them standing there in the quiet, or at least with letting Beca figure out what she wants to say without feeling the need to break it herself. That's good because she's not sure she would have the courage to try this if they got started talking about anything else. She's not sure she has the courage anyways.
"I wanted to tell you-" no, Beca's voice freezes in her throat. Like a solid knot she has to swallow painfully past until she gives up the direct approach.
Finally her brain seems to latch onto something like a path forward, "What did you think of the set?"
Emily seems confused, "It was good?"
Beca raises an eyebrow and she adds, quickly, "I mean of course it was, obviously your voice is like… boom," Emily's hands went up beside her head and made little bursting motions. "But tonight you were just, on this other level. Connecting with the audience, and really transmitting all the emotion in your voice that you usually keep bottled up so tight."
"It was such an honor to see you up there and to be here and to get to share so much of this with you. Not just tonight, but… yeah, just all of it."
Now it's her turn to blush, "And the songs? What did you think of them?"
More confusion, of course Emily has heard them all at least a few dozen times by this point. None of the songs were entirely new to her even if she maybe hadn't heard the absolutely latest version.
"What about Take My Hand ?"
Emily frowns and her hands tightens on the railing.
"Um," she hesitates. "Well, it's always been a sort of hopeful sad song. And you definitely nailed it tonight. Half the people in the crowd seemed ready to start crying right there, I think I even saw one of the studio suits wiping his eyes."
"Do you, uh, what do you think the song is about?"
"You said it was about your first year at Barden, didn't you? When you met the Bellas and Jesse. So I guess, learning to reach out to people and stuff?"
Beca nods, she's got most of it, "I learned a lot that year, about being open and taking chances and screwing up. Not enough. But, yeah, Take My Hand is about opening up to others and taking chances, all the stuff I didn't let myself do then."
She looks away. Too scared of the words that come next and what might happen after to meet Emily's eyes. The city spreads out before them and above them.
"Which is actually what I wanted to talk to you about. You've been so helpful during this whole… just the whole time i've been working on the album and I feel like I've been lying to you. Because I-"
For a brief moment the words catch in her throat again, the wrong shape to make it up and off her tongue. But she gets them out somehow.
"Because I like you. I have feelings for you," and Beca still can't look at Emily. "And I know that's… "
She doesn't know what that is actually, but now she also can stand to look away anymore and so Beca turns her head to meet the Emily's eyes again, continuing, "I don't expect you to like reciprocate or anything, but I couldn't do this whole thing if I wasn't being honest about what I wanted."
Her mouth keeps going even as her brain wants to stop.
"Which is mostly to kiss you, like all the damn-"
And then Emily's hands are on her face and Emily's eyes are staring back at her and Emily's face is coming closer and closer. Her brain processes basically no part of this until Emily's lips are actually on hers. Then her brain processes precisely nothing for several seconds.
Beca doesn't move. Part of her is screaming to kiss back, to surge forward and wrap her arms around this woman and take the moment for all its worth. Another part of her is basically just static. Yet another part of her wants to start laughing and crying and dancing. Her body does nothing instead.
After about three seconds of that, Emily nearly throws herself back. Her eyes are wide and there's something panicky in them while her face has gone nearly sheet white.
"Oh my god, I'm so sorry! You said you wanted- but that didn't give me the right to- oh I shouldn't have-"
Finally, at that point Beca's brain actually lets her start making useful choices again and so she does the only thing she can think of to salvage the situation and presses forward and upward. Emily is too tall in heels for her to easily take her face in her hands so instead Beca wraps her arms around the other woman's waist and pulls. They both practically melt into the second kiss.
And there may not have been fireworks for the first kiss, Beca was too panicked for that, but she feels something electric in the second. Quick and happy her heart beats in her chest. Her hands squeeze hungrily at Emily's sides. Their lips part and tongues poke experimentally in, tasting each other for the first time.
Emily's hand cups the back of Beca's head, nails scraping along the nape of her neck and up into her scalp, drawing out a long moan from her. In response she presses herself closer, molding her body to Emily's so tightly it's hard to tell where either of them ends or begins and at some point they back up so much that Emily's back hits the wall. Then Beca's. Emily's again. Then back to Beca's.
After several minutes the finally break apart, both of them heaving.
"Dude…"
"Yeah," Emily laughs.
She loves that sound.