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The hot water initially stung as it hit my back, but it began to work out the knots and soreness of my muscles. I always carried stress in my shoulders and the constant pain was a reminder of that. The feeling that I could never fully relax my body was normal and it never went away. I massaged my scalp and took in a deep breath, trying to get myself to relax. The scent of the lavender soap helped. I washed away the gunk from the day and stood under the flow of water for longer than necessary, drinking in the heat and loving what it did to my aching body.
Eventually, I turned off the water and wrapped my pristine white towel around me, stepping out onto the burgundy rug that became a new home to the water droplets that fell from my skin. I wrapped my hair in a separate, smaller towel and walked to my kitchen, turning on the hot water pot that would soon create a hot cup of tea. Speakers from my living room played soothing notes: early 2000s rock. My appreciation for the era wasn’t a secret, and only one person had ever argued with me about it.
I ventured to my bedroom and quickly dried my body of the remaining water. I dressed into comfortable black athletic shorts and an oversized sweatshirt with the words “K-State” barely still visible. It once belonged to my brother and had been worn a lot over the years since he went missing. We still hadn’t found him. It had been 10 years. Lighting a vanilla bean candle, I took the white towel back to the bathroom and hung it up to dry. I lightly dried my hair with the other towel and brushed it out deciding to let the air dry the damp locks.
Suddenly a light knock sounded on my front door. I checked the time. Who would be arriving at 9:27 at night? Confused, I walked up to the door and looked through the small window that allowed me to see the outside world. As I checked to see who could possibly be at my house at such a late time, my heart stopped for a moment. That’s impossible…
I unlocked the door and threw it open, facing the two men I thought I would never see again. They wore dark suits and I saw their car parked in front of my house.
“Dean…Sam…” I stared at them in awe. Were they really on my doorstep?
“Val.” Dean spoke my nickname and ducked his head in a pseudo-greeting. “Can we uh…Can we come in? It’s kind of important.”
I shook my head, trying to displace the confusion, and stepped aside. “Yeah. Sure. Come in.”
The brothers walked through the entryway of my home and stopped awkwardly in the middle of the room. Sam smiled and quickly nodded my direction. I always thought of Sam more as a teddy bear and Dean as the grizzly with a kind heart.
“Please,” I said, “sit down.”
“Thanks,” Sam said back. “Nice place.”
“Thank you.” I walked to the kitchen and poured my hot water into a mug, dipping a teabag in the burning liquid. As I reentered the living room, I tried to think of a way to start this conversation. “How did you find me?”
“Sam has his ways.”
“It’s not even under my name, Sammy. How?”
Sam seemed nervous. He wrung his hands and stared at the floor.
“Sam.” His eyes snapped up at me. “How did you find where I live?”
“Your alias. When I saw it, I remembered it was the same one you used when we ran the road together. I connected the dots and…here we are.”
“I knew I should have used a different name.”
“We had a reason for finding you, Val. It’s about Mason.”
The mention of my brother’s name caught my ear. “What about Mason?”
Dean quickly licked his lips in apprehension. “We found him.” He paused, and I could tell he didn’t want to continue. “Val, he…”
“Don’t.” I stood, placing my tea cup on the coffee table in front of me and began to pace, holding my stomach. “I knew it. After so long, how could he still be alive?”
“I’m sorry, Val,” Sam offered. “I know it’s not what you wanted.”
“No, it’s not what I wanted but it’s what I expected.”
“Is there…anything we can do? Anything you need?” Dean asked.
I sat on the sofa opposite the brothers. “Where was he? How was he killed?”
Dean offered the information. “We found him when we were on a hunt in Illinois. We knew it was him by the necklace. Sam found his wallet. It looks like he was…possibly beaten to death. He had a fractured skull and several broken ribs. Is there anyone you can think of that had it out for your brother?”
I shook my head. “No.”
“We’ll do what we can, Val, but we don’t deal with the living much,” Sam said.
“No. That’s okay, Sammy. You don’t have to do anything else. Just knowing is enough. Thank you.”
Dean looked around the room. “Is there anything we can do?”
“I don’t think so. Do you boys need a place to stay for the night? I know you like to avoid the hotels when you can.”
“We wouldn’t want to impose,” Sam replied.
“You wouldn’t be. I’ve got two guest rooms that aren’t being used. Please. Use them.”
Dean nodded. “Alright. Thank you, Val.”
“No…Thank you.”
The boys stood and walked to the car to retrieve their individual duffels. I quickly checked each guest room to ensure they were still ready to be used. I didn’t remember using them, but one knows how the human mind is. Returning to the kitchen, I proceeded to put away the dishes from the past week. I didn’t use much since I lived by myself. I heard Sam and Dean reenter the house and choose their rooms.
“Where would the shower be?” I heard Sam ask behind me.
“It’s down that hall and will be the first door on your right.”
“Thanks again, Val.”
“It’s no problem.”
Sam smiled and walked down the hall.
“Valeri.” The sound of his voice still made me weak. Even after I had said goodbye to him a few years back, his voice could make me fall back into his arms and watch the world go by. I steadied myself before turning the direction the voice came from.
“Dean.”
Even through the dim lighting of the kitchen, I could see the intensity of his eyes. Those beautiful green orbs that held me prisoner. He was making it difficult.
“Can we talk?” he asked.
“About what?”
He leaned against the counter next to me and crossed his arms. “I think you know.”
“I never intended to see you again, you know that.”
“That doesn’t change anything. At least for me it doesn’t.”
I stared at the sink. I wouldn’t let him see.
“And from the way you’re not looking at me, it doesn’t change anything for you, does it?” He sighed and repositioned himself, standing perpendicular to me. “Valeri, look at me.”
I couldn’t. I wouldn’t.
“Valeri.” His voice was so low and gravelly it could have rattled the spoons in the sink. “Please, look at me.” Whispered.
I took a deep breath and turned to face the man. His eyes instantly captured mine and he held my gaze, unblinking. I swallowed from the nerves I felt at being alone with Dean in my kitchen. I prayed for Sam to finish his shower and show back up, but knowing Sam, he wouldn’t be finished for a while.
Dean reached out for my hand and gently rubbed his thumb over the back of it. “I’ve missed you more than I’m willing to admit to Sammy or even myself. I think I loved you more than I let myself believe.” It was his turn to take a deep breath. “I think I still love you, Val.”
“Dean…” I whispered. “Please…”
“I know.” He rested his forehead against mine. I closed my eyes at the contact. “This has never happened to me before. I’m not used to feeling this way.”
I could feel the pinprick of tears threatening to fall. To keep them encased, I quickly removed myself from Dean and turned back to the sink, placing dirty dishes into it. I straightened the immediate spaces surrounding the sink and turned toward the small island in the middle of the kitchen.
“Val, don’t do that. I know what you’re avoiding.”
I paused and stood at the island.
“I know you were about to cry and you don’t want to. I know you too well to think anything else.”
I faced Dean again, slowly, and stared at him.
“Tell me what you’re thinking. Please.” He stood there seemingly defenseless. He had just laid it all out there for me to see and I tried rejecting him.
“You really want to know.”
“Yes.”
I took another deep breath and gathered my thoughts. “I’m thinking about how shocked I am to find you and Sam on my doorstep after saying goodbye to you for what I thought was for good. I’m thinking how I accept what I knew all along about Mason. I’m thinking that I still have feelings for you.” I paused, feeling the salty drops for again in the corners of my eyes. “I’m thinking that I am still in love with you. I’m thinking how much I’ve missed you and Sam, but especially you, Dean.”
Dean took a step toward me.
“I’m thinking that I invited you to stay because I wasn’t ready to say goodbye again.”
He placed his hands on my hips and I rested my fingertips on his arms.
“I’m thinking that I’m tired of missing you…”
He looked me in the eye one more time before leaning in and gently kissing my lips. It was brief, but it was requesting permission above anything else. I wrapped my arms around his neck and granted his request. I eagerly returned his kiss while the tears finally fell.
We stood there in the kitchen, relearning each other, for what seemed like only a few minutes. I only pulled away from Dean when I heard the bathroom door open. Dean quickly stepped away from me and grabbed a glass, filling it with water.
“Shower’s free,” Sam announced, walking to his room. “Goodnight, guys.”
“Night, Sammy,” I returned.
“I should…” Dean gestured toward the bathroom.
“Yeah. No. Go.”
Dean walked toward the bathroom and I leaned against the island and sighed. What was I doing to myself?
Before Dean could finish his shower, I went to bed. Self-imposed torture was not a good idea, nor would I let myself consent to being with Dean again. When we first got together, it was a shock to both our systems. The boys and I had been on the road together for a few years before Sam had enough of us tiptoeing around the issue. Cas did too. I was with Dean for two years, then I got up and left one night, saying goodbye in a letter, and I didn’t look back. I told myself it was because of the lifestyle and I needed to get out of it, but that was a lie. The truth would have caused more pain to Dean’s and Sam’s lives, and that was something I couldn’t do to them. Not after everything they had already endured. So, I left.
I had just turned off the lamp beside my bed when I heard Dean turn off the shower. Settling into my pillows, I tried to steady my heartrate, taking slow deep breaths and uttering a prayer to whatever deity could hear. Don’t let him come into my room Please. I couldn’t handle it.
But that prayer wasn’t answered. I was about to fall asleep when I heard the door open and close, and I could feel eyes watching me. So, I turned the lamp back on and stared back. He was leaning against the closed door, arms crossed over his chest, his head slightly tilted.
“Dean,” I whispered. “Please go away.”
He took a deep breath and pursed his lips. “Do you really want that?”
“Yes,” I lied. “Just go away.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Why?”
He stepped forward. “Because, Val. I can’t sleep.” Dean walked to the other side of the bed and flopped down, running a hand over his hair, and resting his arms behind his head. “And neither can you. It never took you long to go to sleep.”
I stared at the ceiling.
“You’re avoiding me again,” Dean said, turning toward me, resting his head on a hand and staring down at me. “Can you stop doing that for five minutes?”
“No.”
“Valeri.”
When I turned toward him, his eyes held so much curiosity and worry. He sighed and pushed my hair out of my eyes.
“Val, what’s going on? Why can’t you talk to me? It’s me and Sam. You know you can always call us if something’s wrong.”
I nodded. “I know. Nothing’s wrong Dean. Just seeing you was the most unexpected thing tonight. I had already grieved over Mason. After so long, it was next to impossible to expect him to be alive. But…” I resisted the strong urge to caress his cheek. “The two of you being here has completely thrown me for a loop.”
Dean laid back and patted the space next to him. “Come here.”
I shook my head. “That’s not a good idea.”
“Val. Come here.”
Although my entire body shook, I did as Dean asked. He tightly wrapped an arm around me, and I closed my eyes. Safe. This was safe. It didn’t take long for me to relax into his side, exhaustion taking over my eyes. I was almost asleep when I heard Dean whisper something that forced the escape of a few tears before I finally drifted off.
“I love you, Val.”
----------------------------------------------------
The next morning, I woke before Dean did. I studied the contours of his face, the rise of his chest as he breathed, the slight pucker in his lips as he dreamed. His arm still held me close to him. Reaching up, I rested a hand on his cheek and leaned up to place a small kiss on his chiseled jaw. Making my way out of the bed and trying not to disturb Dean, I wrapped myself in a bathrobe, and walked to the kitchen to begin a pot of coffee and breakfast for the brothers. Waffles, bacon, and eggs if requested. I even had some fruit in the house, so Sam would be happy.
Speaking of the younger brother, he emerged from his room with a tangled mess of bedhead.
“Good morning, Sammy.”
“Hey, Valeri. Thanks again for letting us stay last night.”
“No problem.”
I set a cup of fresh coffee in front of him and he uttered his thanks once again.
I heard my door open and Dean walk down the hall and into the kitchen. I felt a small flush enter my cheeks at the thought of the night before. What happened next, though, caught me off guard.
Dean’s arms wound around my stomach and his head rested on my shoulder. He quickly kissed my neck and gently squeezed me in his arms. “Good morning,” he whispered.
Sam’s expression mirrored the shock I felt.
“Good morning, Dean,” I returned.
He let me go and began stacking waffles on a plate.
--------------------------------------------------
The boys packed up and loaded up their car. I watched from my porch as Dean slammed the trunk shut and turned to face me. He told Sam something. The younger brother got into the Impala and Dean walked up the steps of the porch.
“Well, we’re heading out.”
“Yeah, I kind of got that from the packing and stuff.” I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. “Dean, will I ever see you again?”
“I don’t know.”
At least it was an honest answer.
I nodded and looked toward the hills outside of town. “Yeah.”
“Valeri.”
I snapped my gaze back to Dean. He closed the space between us in one step and took my face in his hands. He kissed me like he would never see me again, like this was the end of the line. Part of me knew it probably was and the other part had hope that I would see this man again.
“I love you, Val,” he whispered.
“I love you too, Dean.”
He kissed me one last time before walking back down the steps and to the Impala. He got in the car and slammed the door shut, looking at me one last time before driving away. The roar of the car filled my ears, and I didn’t realize how much I had missed it.
I walked back inside and curled up on the sofa. I wished I had more time with them, but I’m glad they left when they did. It only lessened the blow of the separation again. And they had found my brother. What they didn’t know was that I was the one to beat him until he gasped for mercy. Only it didn’t come. Mason had died knowing his sister was a monster.