Chapter Text
Tick tock tick tock
So annoying. Tsukishima opened his eyes.
It was late. He stayed lifeless in the devouring darkness. There was no light, just Tsukishima alone in the darkness, the world is forgotten. He liked it like this. No light, it burned his eyes. On any other occasion he would have enjoyed it, but now, being awake after wasting all that time into meditation and sleep-induced tea was annoying.
He had come to bed at 10 and had been trying to sleep since then. He did his best to follow Yamaguchi's words. Don't use electronic devices before bedtime, Tsukki. You will find it easier to sleep if there is no distraction. Joke on him, there were plenty of distractions besides his phone.
Sleep position for starters. It had been ten years since he outgrew the kid-sized single bed from childhood and leveled up into a double bed but he still couldn't find the right sleep position. Sometimes he laid on his front, sometimes he was on either of his sides, the other he twisted and turned until something clicked. Today, he laid on his back, face nuzzled a pillow with his own scent because the wind from the fan kept blowing his bang, tickling his forehead and he couldn't bare either that or the new fabric softener smell on the blanket either. It's not bad, it was just strong. Tsukishima got both legs covered and his hands on his hip. Any pressure on either his eyes or chest or belly became uncomfortable after five minutes. Sometimes, he felt suffocated when he did that. The thought of astral projection had crossed his mind numerous times. Finding a position to sleep for years was frustrating.
Each ticking from the clock resonated with volume inside the room. It added to the hollow of his chess somehow, making it more vacant. Wait, it wasn't hollow, his heart was resident there. Beating slowly underneath all these layers of skin, muscle, and lungs. No matter how slow it was beating, it's just not slow enough. He could feel the working muscles bouncing the entire capacity of his chest. The sound it made seeped through meat fibers and reached his ears also. The beating and ticking were not in rhythm.
It was more annoying now. He was too conscious of everything physical. Even his breathing was annoying, he wanted to stay still to sleep. No movement. If he could stop his own heart from making noise, he would. If he could stop breathing, he would. There were existing methods to stop either him breathing or his heart beating he knew of. However, he wouldn't really go down that path. Not now when he was alone, and troubled by things that were trivial and insignificant. He had promised to talk to his boyfriends whenever feeling like this because deciding on his own when alone might result in some outcome that could hurt his boyfriends. It happened so many times already before they made him promise. Tsukishima didn't want to break the promise or hurt his boyfriends ever again.
Kuroo-san said those little inconveniences could be fixed. Well, "trivial and insignificant" weren't exactly his words but Tsukishima still had a nagging urge to call them that. Akaashi-san told him they would be willing to offer distractions from these distractions anytime he needed. Bokuto-san claimed to fly to his place anytime, anywhere if he just said a word. Yamaguchi had been studying mediation and mental awareness websites to whisper gentle and assuring words into his ears when he was feeling detached. They had all been visiting a lot more too. Tsukishima appreciated them a lot for caring, he did. But at times like this, Tsukishima doubted their motives.
Don’t get him wrong, he did not doubt why they did what they did. He knew that they were perfectly normal people, who could sympathize and love. He just doubted for whom they were doing all these things. It couldn’t be just Tsukishima.
No, he neither was being self-conscious nor had inferior complexity. He was questioning the minimum criteria of who deserved their attention.
Kuroo-san, Akaashi-san, Bokuto-san, and Yamaguchi were wonderful human beings. They were full of charisma, they were charming, caring, smart, beautiful, and attentive. Kuroo-san, Akaashi-san, and Bokuto-san had fans who often displayed their affection by cheering their matches. Tsukishima could recall several times they were flirted with during dates. Older boys and girls liked Kuroo-san’s sassiness. Bokuto-san was a magnet to outgoing and energetic people. Akaashi-san was a real charmer in the eyes of shy and nerdy types. Not mentioning Yamaguchi, who had won the hearts of several maidens’ hearts in their shared class with his courtesy. The stressed students just loved to have someone as gentle and assuring as Yamaguchi to lean on. They were basically an otome game in real life. All four of them could have had anybody to invest their affection into. It was unfortunate (to them) that they chose Tsukishima.
He was not caring, he was not affectionate. He didn’t give a shit about the world surrounding him. He couldn’t even feel the way typical humans did. All he contributed to the world were snarky comments and sarcasm. He just did not fall into the category of “boyfriend material”. The best Tsukishima could offer was his look. He knew he looked good enough for high school students and occasionally older class, but it’s not like they were not beautiful themselves.
He was sure they could have had this another way, where Tsukishima was just a troubled individual whom they happened to befriend and felt responsible to care for because they were decent human beings. They didn’t have to date him as well or accept any of his almost-literally one-way love conditions. It was ridiculous thinking about how they got here, how Tsukishima got them.
***
First, he indirectly gained Yamaguchi’s admiration just because he called some kids pathetic. The admiration was soon reversed though. He wondered if Yamaguchi still saw anything in him to admire or be with after these long years of close proximity beside the fact that Yamaguchi and he just be together for so long that the boy couldn’t cut ties with him.
Then, he again accidentally caught the attention of the Nekoma’s captain, who dragged him deep into the social circle of Bokuto-san and Akaashi-san. Before he realized it, he had become an equipment of their complex social system. He felt like an intruder but didn’t leave because he was feeling too good imposing the ideal friend they thought he was.
It all turned south the moment they asked him to be the fourth element of their chemistry though. He was dating Yamaguchi at that time.
On one hand, he loved Yamaguchi. The freckled boy had grown so much since he was little. Tsukishima had been in crisis because he was worried that the day Yamaguchi deemed him as an ordinary friend was near. Tsukishima didn’t want to let go of the only anchor to being a normal human he had. Needless to say, he was so relieved to hear the boy’s confession. It was shaky, it was full of the confidence Tsukishima didn’t have. He accepted right away and established some physical contact limits, which Yamaguchi wholeheartedly agreed. Deep down, the guilt he had for tying Yamaguchi to him and for taking advantage of Yamaguchi’s asexuality had been eating him since that day.
On the other hand, he had started to get attached to the seniors. He liked how they pulled him into activities despite his fake reluctance. He didn’t even have to lift a finger to find social contact and exposure. They gave out those things so freely and generously that had Tsukishima addicted. The effect of seeing him more invested in both sports and socializing had done Yamaguchi wonders, too. His best friend slash boyfriend was so proud, Tsukishima could feel it. He almost did too.
Despite what he already had, Tsukishima didn’t decline the men. Instead, he had to hurt Yamaguchi by promising the trio an answer after he thought it out. By that, he meant talking to Yamaguchi.
It was still nerve-racking when he thought about the day he confessed to Yamaguchi. He didn’t even know about polyamory then. He just felt so stupidly greedy for wanting both relationships. But god bless Yamaguchi for being patient enough to listen through his ranting about why human was a greedy species, how Tsukishima was one of them, how much him appreciated his relationship with Yamaguchi, how fatuous Yamaguchi was for falling for him despite knowing full-well how Tsukishima was because his boyfriend didn’t turn down a confession although he was already been in a relationship and that Yamaguchi had all the right to dump Tsukishima’s ass. Yamaguchi stopped him at that. To be exact, he had grabbed Tsukishima’s face, turned him around because Tsukishima was too much of a coward to face him, and kissed him silent. Out of sudden, Tsukishima wanted to cry.
He did precisely that when Yamaguchi said it was okay in the most gentle voice. He said he had noticed how lively Tsukishima had been when he was with the older. It was the kind of spirit Yamaguchi couldn’t have brought out in Tsukishima because he didn’t have what it needed. He also noticed the way the three looked at Tsukishima. He knew it would be good for Tsukishima to be together with them. He would be more complete.
At that point, Tsukishima had thought Yamaguchi was breaking up with him. He didn’t expect Yamaguchi to be this stupid, he was so smart. He was supposed to be angry with him, hitting him or something. Not giving up on his own happiness. His vision started to blur, snot clotted his nose, Yamaguchi disappeared, he couldn’t hear anything but his heart, he couldn’t breathe. The last thought he had was that he felt like the worst asshole ever, he was pathetic.
He was incorrect too. It was the first time Tsukishima had a panic attack and he didn’t even know that it happened. It was Yamaguchi who watched it unfold. It was violent, he said. Tsukishima had gone suddenly still, he didn’t even breathe for two full minutes. Yamaguchi sensed something wrong and tried to shake him out of it but it was a wrong thing to do since Tsukishima proceeded to hyperventilate. For whatever reason, he curled up into a ball, head in crushing grips and he was shaking badly. His muscles locked down, too. Yamaguchi couldn’t go a thing to peel his hands away from his eyes. He was worried Tsukishima was going to hurt his own eyes. He frantically searched the internet for help and luckily found what he needed. He ran to retrieve some ice from the fridge and shoved it directly into Tsukishima's shirt. For the rest of the 20 terrifying minutes, all he could do was hug Tsukishima, and talk to him.
Despite so much happening all, Tsukishima couldn’t remember a thing. He knew that he kind of passed out and when he came to it, Yamaguchi was crying and hugging him and his back was extremely cold and wet. After they had all calmed down, Tsukishima was reluctant to admit that he lost control because he thought Yamaguchi was breaking up with him, it was uncool to pull a stunt like that.
Yamaguchi’s reaction was something. He looked like he wanted to slap Tsukishima really hard but couldn’t because he was still scared of what happened. He took a deep breath and fiercely told Tsukishima that he loved him, he would never simply let go of the relationship that was worth basically the majority of his entire life for some old men unless Tsukishima explicitly verbally said so. Therefore, Tsukishima better tell him what the fuck was in his head, not internalizing it and assuming shit because Yamaguchi’s heart could not take any more damage.
For the record, Tsukishima thought that Yamaguchi was so strong and could definitely take anything coming his way. He was so breathtaking.
After that, Yamaguchi introduced Tsukishima to the world of LGBT+ and polyamory. He gave his consent to Tsukishima being in a relationship with other individuals besides him. However, those relationships would not include Yamaguchi himself, he exclusively dated Tsukishima. Furthermore, all partners of Tsukishima must be informed of Yamaguchi and vice versa. He at least had the right to know who his cuddlee was shared with. Tsukishima couldn’t love Yamaguchi more. He didn’t deserve him but he was so glad to have known him.
At last, he and Yamaguchi took spring break to contact the waiting third year. He had mailed the trio to arrange a meeting at a coffee shop between two cities. All of them must present and Yamaguchi would also be there with him. Kuroo-san, Akaashi-san, and Bokuto-san had questions but they were also nervous so they just followed Tsukishima’s words without objection.
On the day, as all five of them sat around the table, each had a cup of something in their hands, questions were answered truthfully, they took their time to discuss how things would work, what each of their own position in this relationship would be, what was of boundary and what was off limit. Tsukishima used his freshly learnt sexuality and gender knowledge to fend off any too intimate physical contacts. He set his line at kissing, no skin-to-skin contact under clothes unless verbally consented, no sexual intercourse nor non-penetrative sex.
He felt bad to even propose to have his own downtime. In which, he wouldn’t have to respond to anyone when he wanted. He was selfish like that but surprisingly, they all agreed to it, even Yamaguchi. He had thought he would be upset because not only Tsukishima was sharing his time with three more people, but also he wanted time to be alone and not taking responsibility. It was surreal.
The meeting ended with a high note. Tsukishima got three more boyfriends and still had Yamaguchi. He felt nauseatingly fantastic.
***
Tsukishima sighed fondly at the memory. It had been so great dating all of them.
For Yamaguchi, he loved the cold nights where he cuddled with him. They shared stories of their now separate university life. Yamaguchi calling him Tsukki was endearing. The platonic kisses peppering across Tsukishima’s face were so amazing that they put butterflies in Tsukishima’s stomach. He also loved it when Yamaguchi softly whispered his given name, Kei , at night. It was the best lullaby. Yamaguchi was the constant he needed to be who he was right now.
For Kuroo-san, Akaashi-san, and Bokuto-san, they were a different kind of affection. In it Tsukishima was carried away so many times. He enjoyed teaming up with Kuroo-san on Bokuto-san, it was even better when Akaashi-san joined on occasions. He was smart and as sarcastic as Tsukishima. He was also the only one who cared to read about dinosaurs with him. Bokuto-san was all the power of the world. He was always full of energy no matter what, even his down mood was so characteristic. He was the one who lifted the group’s spirit with many stunts and accidents. On the contrary to the two of them, Akaashi-san was a very reliable man. He was the one who reined the dynamic duo in. He was mesmerized by how serene and angelic Akaashi-san was. Reading time with him was soothing and having him read to Tsukishima was like a dream. They were all very affectionate too. Tsukishima loved it.
He had made the most of his life with them, even if he had only lived for 20 years.
Although he knew that they had told him to call whenever he was sleepless, he still couldn’t bring himself to disrupt their sleep, any one of them. It was not worth it, sacrificing their sleep just to shield him from a bit of loneliness and darkness. It would be alright when the sun rose. He just had to be mindful not to wander off too far into the dark. There were people waiting for him in the morning.