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Jean Milburn knew from the start that this wouldn't be possible. She knew that carrying a pregnancy to term was something that would require more than just her will. Jean Milburn knew the statistics would all be against her, she knew the rates of miscarriage, premature birth, stillbirth, birth defects and death after childbirth were all very high after the age of 40. And she was 45. There was no need for her doctor to tell her that, as soon as she had the unexpected news of the pregnancy, it all came to mind, not only the shock but everything that this news implied. The odds would be against her. She knew it.
She had gone to the doctor with some symptoms that she suspected what they were. Perimenopause. And as she had suspected it was confirmed, but not only that, a broken heart syndrome was also diagnosed and she never imagined that she could suffer from it. She never imagined that she could suffer from something that she for so many years avoided. For years, she avoided any kind of relationship, not attaching herself to anyone and just attending to her needs. And that was good. That was easy. And Jean Milburn liked it.
But then she met Jakob and everything changed without her even realizing it and there she was, with a broken heart. She could deal with it though, she always dealt with everything, but the other cause of her symptoms was something she couldn't deal with, she didn't even know how it had happened. After all, she was going into perimenopause and he had had a vasectomy. How was that possible? "Stranger things have happened,” her doctor had said. It could be, but she never imagined something like this happening to her. For many people it could be a miracle but for her, at least at that moment it was more like a punishment.
From that moment on she imagined all the possibilities. All risks. Dr. Jean Milburn knew all this, but still, Jean sometimes let herself wonder what could happen if she managed to carry the baby to term. What it would be like when she told Jakob she was pregnant. How would he react to the possibility of becoming a father again. And what their relationship would be like after that revelation.
But none of that mattered anymore, she thought bitterly, lying on the hospital bed.
All her doubts and hopes had ended with the bleeding that morning. Life decided for her, made the choice that she should have made but for some reason she was reluctant to make. She knew it would be the best thing to do but she was never able to choose that option. In some of the scenarios she imagined at night, one of them was she and Jakob with a baby in their arms. This was one of the most impossible to happen but the one she wanted most, even admitting it only in the darkness of her bedroom. Now that would never be possible because the life she was carrying had drained out of her. In fact, it wasn't even considered a life yet, but it was a piece of her and Jakob's.
Jakob.
She wondered what he would think if he knew she was pregnant. Would he want the baby? Would he want to be parenting alongside her? Or wouldn't he want to be the father of a child he never wanted to? From what she knew of him, he wouldn't leave her alone and would assume the child if her choice was to have the baby. But now all of those questions didn't matter anymore because he would never know about it. They hadn't been talking to each other for days, what would be the point of telling him she had had a miscarriage? No, he would never need to know about that. She would go home, she would go on with her life, even with a broken heart and she would never think about what happened again. She wanted to forget about it, even though she knew she wouldn't be able to, at least not for now.
Jean stopped thinking and closed her eyes, she needed some rest before going home. Going back to her work. Going back to the life she had before.
But that rest lasted only a few minutes since a soft touch on her face made her opened her eyes again.
“Hey, Jean,” those kind blue eyes she missed so much told her.
“Jakob!” She said, surprised. “How-” she started, trying to stay in a sitting position but he stopped her, with a delicate touch on her shoulder.
“Otis. He warned me that you were here,” Jakob answered her unfinished question.
Of course, the only one who could have warned him was her son. Otis had been the only one to know that she was there, he was the one who had called the ambulance when he saw his almost unconscious mum in her bed, and a lot of blood. Poor Otis. Jean was so sorry he had to see her in this situation, she didn't mean her son to know anything, she didn't say anything to him but she knew how smart Otis was. He ran a clandestine sex clinic at the school after all. The sex kid. He would know what had happened to her even though she said nothing and it was certainly for this reason that he had warned Jakob she was in the hospital.
“Did he tell you the reason?” She had to ask. Her voice was so weak that Jakob wouldn't have heard it if he hadn't been next to her.
“No, he just told me I should come here,” she nodded her head. Her son knew exactly what to do.
When Otis called him — which in itself was an odd thing — saying he needed to go to see his mother at the hospital, Jakob thought of the worst, he couldn't help but remember his seriously ill wife and his heart sank with the possibility of Jean being ill too. If Otis had bothered to call him, it was because it was serious, wasn't it? But then the boy assured him that his mother was fine but that he needed to see her. Jakob was only relieved when he entered Jean's room and saw that she was indeed fine, no machines attached to her, no apparent injuries. He then took a chair and sat beside the bed, just looking at her, before waking her up with his touch.
“I hope it's just a flu?” He wished and she just smiled sadly. She would like to say yes.
“I need to tell you something, Jakob.” Jean knew she had to do this. Her plan was to never tell him about it, but she never imagined seeing him there, in front of her when she had lost their baby just hours ago. She needed to do this and took a deep breath. It wouldn't be easy.
“Okay,” Jakob said in his soothing tone and Jean wished she could just fall into his arms and not have to say anything.
Jakob listened carefully to her, never interrupting. She told him everything without hiding any details. Jean could see the sparkle in his eyes when he learned she had became pregnant and then the sadness when she told him she had lost the baby. She wiped away the tear that ran down his face. Jean also could see the fear in his eyes when he finally spoke and said he could have lost her too if Otis had not entered her room. She didn't think it would have happened but she said nothing, just squeezed his hand and smiled when he brought it to his lips. Despite the pain she was making him go through in telling him all this, she was happy to know he still cared about her. Perhaps there was hope after all.
“You should have told me,” Jakob said, he wasn't angry, his tone wasn't demanding but concerned. Jean didn't see anger in his eyes, nor judgment, she just saw compassion, grief and something else that could be love.
Jakob wasn't resentful, in fact he was still in shock at the news. He could never imagine that the reason she was in the hospital was because of a miscarriage, he still didn't even understand how it could have happened since he had had a vasectomy. But he wished she had shared this news with him, even though they weren't together. He would have liked to have been there with her earlier. He could never be mad at her for not telling him, because seeing her in pain, it really broke his heart.
“You shouldn't have to go through this alone,” he continued, his cheek resting on her hand that was still in his.
“Jakob, I - I didn't mean to ...” she tried but couldn't say any more.
“I would stay by your side, if that's what you wanted, Jean,” he then stated after a moment and all Jean could do was put a hand on her face to hide her tears.
Of course he would be, how could she have doubted that at some point? She then wondered if she had told him about the pregnancy from the beginning if it had all happened. Perhaps with him at her side she hadn’t been so stressed and so many doubts, perhaps her broken heart syndrome would have healed, perhaps the baby wouldn't have felt her rejection and she hadn't miscarried. Jean knew that all of this wasn't rational, that what happened had to happen, that everything was in all likelihood. She knew all of that but it didn't mean it hurt any less.
She couldn't have their baby back, but she could still have him back.
“I'm sorry, Jakob,” Jean managed to say through sobs.
“Hey, no, none of that,” he removed her hand from her face and wiped away the tears with his thumbs. He was being so kind to her that it hurt, her lip trembled but there were no more tears.
“You have nothing to apologize for, it wasn't your fault Jean, it was an accident,” he said in his deep but soft voice, holding her face so gently. She missed his touch so much.
It hadn't been an accident, it had been all the statistics showing her that she would never win the odds against her. But that wasn't what she was apologizing for.
“I'm sorry I hurt you,” she then said. “You didn't deserve any of that. You’re a wonderful man, Jakob. I always knew that and yet I hurt you. I shouldn't have kissed Remi.” She felt so disgusted for doing that, of all men he was the last one she should have done this. In fact, she shouldn't kiss any man because she was with Jakob. He alone was enough for her, she doesn't understand why she did it. She sabotaged her own relationship.
But that was what Remi did to her when he was around, she felt weak, she felt inferior, she felt wrong and yet she always felt she had to prove something to him.
“I shouldn't have broken your trust. I shouldn't have pulled you away, made you think the problem was you and your things around the house. That was just my stupid excuse for not being able to have a serious relationship. I really thought I couldn't, but I was wrong and I wish you could forgive me, Jakob,” she finished, pleading with her beautiful watery blue eyes that he could forgive her. Pleading that they could have another chance. A chance to fix things.
Jakob looked down at their still clasped hands, and she wondered if he was thinking of the right words to reject her, again, or to forgive her. When he finally looked at her, she felt fear but also hope for what she was seeing in those beautiful blue eyes that she wished to see again every morning upon waking.
“You're a strange woman, Jean,” he said and she finally managed a little laugh. “And I was attracted to you for that very reason. You may not think so, but you're honest with your feelings, honest with who you are,” he paused, thinking again.
“But you can't trust me again,” Jean said, resigned.
“I didn't say that, Jean,” he looked at her again and she pressed her lips together. “I think you're an independent woman and that's why you were scared to suddenly be in a new relationship. And I didn't help much, I imposed myself in your home, in your space. I'm a mess I confess,” Jakob smiled, that adorable smile of his. “But for me it was all simple, we were in a relationship. I didn't realize that some things were bothering you,” he admitted and Jean shook her head.
“It wasn’t you,” Jean said again. She didn't want him to blame himself for what she did. And after everything that happened, his things scattered around her house and his irritating noise in the kitchen in the morning seemed so small that she didn't understand why it bothered her so much, but in fact she knew it wasn't that. She just felt overwhelmed with all the change, overwhelmed by the thought of trusting someone again and then getting hurt again. Fuck the fear.
“It hurt me what you did, because I thought something was lacking in our relationship, something I couldn't provide you with. But I think I can understand,” he said sincerely. She felt like crying again. How could he be so understanding? But this was Jakob, a wonderful man who would be unable to do with her what Remi did. Jakob was worthy of all her trust, she just had to earn his trust back.
“Nothing was lacking, Jakob. And I think this was what scared me. You gave me everything I wanted and needed and I think it overwhelmed me and I didn't know what to do with all of it. It doesn't justify what I did. But I realized that what we had was important and that I missed you. That day I went to talk to you, I wanted to say it but... I-” she stopped, her emotions were getting the best of her and Jakob squeezed her hand, he didn’t mean to overwhelm her with all this talk, not after everything she went through.
“That day I told you that you weren't ready for the kind of intimacy I was looking for. But I was also wrong to say that, I didn't mean to hurt you,” Jakob said and Jean shook her head, the only one who needed to apologize for something was her. It hurt to hear that but he was right. She wasn't ready but she would be if he gave her another chance.
“I think I was tough on you, I didn't mean-” he continued but Jean interrupted him.
“You were just protecting yourself,” she stated. It hurt that he was protecting himself from her but she understood him, he had already been hurt once he didn't want to and he didn't deserve to go through it again because of her. Jakob looked at her for a moment and then continued.
“I just didn't know what you wanted from me. But maybe I'm the one who's not prepared for the kind of intimacy you want,” Jakob assumed and she frowned. “I've been thinking about it Jean, and I think we just need to find a middle ground for what we want from a relationship.”
“Do you mean you forgive me?” Jean asked, full of hope for a new beginning. Jakob nodded, making her smile.
“We’ll try again. Let's fix this, Jean. Together,” again he raised her hand to his lips.
“This time it will work. I promise,” Jean then said, her eyes full of hope, matching his. They would make it work.
Jakob then bent down to whisper in her ear, “I missed you too, Jean.” Then without warning, he kissed her. Jean put her hand on his face, his three-day beard scratching against her palm. She missed him. Every day.
That wasn't how she had imagined him kissing her again, not in a hospital bed, not after learning she had lost a child of his that he didn't even imagine she was expecting. But it was still perfect, because at least he was kissing her again.
Both were smiling when they broke up. “I really missed you,” He said again, with that smile that always warmed her heart and made her legs tremble. He stroked her face and they both just looked at each other for a few moments.
“I'm going to make you some soup as soon as you go home,” Jakob then said and Jean managed to laugh again.
“What?” He looked at her amusedly. “My soup can cure anything, Dr. Jean Milburn,” he joked. “Even two broken hearts,” he then said and Jean wondered how he knew about her broken heart and wondered if he was too, but then she thought he said it because of their loss, despite everything it was a loss that they would have to heal, together.
Jakob spent the rest of the afternoon with her in the hospital, not wanting to leave her even when she finally took a rest and fell asleep. He looked at her and kept thinking about what had happened. He would have liked to have had this baby with her. He wished she had told him earlier so that they could have thought of what to do, he didn’t want her to have gone through it all alone. But he understood her, they were no longer together, so it would be harder for her to tell him when she had found out. Jakob then wondered that if he had agreed to keep seeing each other as Jean suggested that day when she came to him to talk about Otis, he probably would have known about the pregnancy sooner. But now there was no point to think about it anymore, it happened and he was glad to at least be able to be with her right now, he would take care of her, support her and he wouldn't leave her. Not now and not ever, he wished.
And when she went home that night, he made her the soup and he was right, it could cure anything and she was really feeling better, not because of the soup itself but because he had made it for her. He was taking care of her as he had always did since the first day he went to her house to fix her bathroom and since then he had fixed everything that needed to be fixed, especially her. Jean Milburn needed to be fixed and Jakob Nyman was the only one able to do that.
And when she curled up next to Jakob on the couch that night, and Otis walked around the room and stopped to look at her and their eyes met, she saw her son's small smile, relieved that she was fine, at home and with Jakob. Jean also smiled at him, assuring him that everything was going to be okay. And she promised that she would not sabotage either her relationship with her son or her relationship with her boyfriend. Yes, her boyfriend.
They would have a fresh start and this time it would work because she was ready for the kind of intimacy he was looking for, despite the cost of a broken heart and a miscarriage. But the most important thing was that they were fixing it. Together.