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The boys who kiss and bite
They are the brilliant ones who speak and write
With silver luck
The sing in clever tongues
Oh, how my knees go weak to be the one
The band breaks up two years later.
It’s a windy, overcast day in March, cooler than normal for LA. When James walks out of Rocque Records for the final time, jacaranda blossoms – blown from the trees down the street – are crushed beneath his footsteps. The sidewalk bleeds violet, and the air smells thick with car pollen and ozone.
He’s got a new studio lined up on the other end of town, a cushy solo gig that Kelly helped him score. He isn’t enthusiastic about the death of Big Time Rush, but whatever moment boy bands were having has fallen victim to time, and fads. They just weren’t popular anymore.
Besides, with Logan scoring admittance to med school and Carlos landing a Broadway show, it was beginning to feel like the band was holding them back.
James wraps his leather jacket more tightly around his chest, trying to deflect the energetic wind.
He takes a brief moment to flip off a billboard boasting Jett Stetson’s beaming face before heading down the boulevard. He’s never stopped hating that guy. More so, after everything.
When Jett found out that James was persona non grata to Kendall Knight, he swooped in with all the finesse of a vulture to repair Kendall’s broken heart.
What a tool.
James is finally allowed to say that, following a long moratorium on anti-Jett talk, because Jett and Kendall went through a very public, extremely cataclysmic breakup six months back. It involved one of Jett’s New Town High costars and several NDAs, making it one of the worst ordeals in band history.
But Kendall’s okay, these days.
Mostly.
He spent a few nights crying on James’s shoulder, and a few more befriending a bottle of whiskey in a somewhat worrisome manner, but he came out the other end of it. He bounced back.
The best part of the whole thing was how James was allowed to be there to witness it.
There were some touch and go moments for the first year post-Diana.
James wanted so badly to be forgiven, and Kendall merely wanted to heal. They were stuck together, day in and day out, close to immolating. Then Jett arrived, and James’s jealousy went into overdrive. The infancy of Kendall’s relationship with Jett was a bucket of water on the flames of the friendship they were both trying so hard to rekindle. They had a few fights that seemed insurmountable.
But they survived. Kendall and Jett stayed together, and even if James never actually mastered his jealousy, he found other outlets for it.
He went on dates. With girls, and boys. One time with Dak Zevon, which Kendall did not seem to love. None of the dates went anywhere, but that was okay.
James didn’t need a relationship right now. He was working on himself.
And his music. He made more industry contacts. He spent more time learning the trade from Gustavo. He even went out and drummed up some publicity for the band, performed some duets and charity concerts, stuff like that.
Hell, he even tried to fix his relationship with his dad.
The man remarried three months ago, giving James the opportunity to be best man once more.
James’s new stepmom is a petite redhead that is almost age appropriate, and he’s so, so proud.
He doesn’t know where Diana is, but he hopes wherever she ended up, she’s happy.
Occasionally, he thinks he sees her here, in California; a girl with razorblade eyes in a too-tight dress or dangerously high heels, her dark hair gleaming in the sun.
It’s never actually Diana, just the ghost of his mistakes.
James is still making peace with it all.
Speaking of which.
Kendall is waiting at the street corner, in a cloud of car exhaust and the absolute maelstrom of leaves, flowers, and litter. He is outlined by the silver light of the oncoming storm, blond hair tinged old gold, and a smile quirks his lips once James gets closer. “I can’t believe it’s over.”
“Don’t say it like that.” James arcs both hands in the air, framing the future with his fingers. “It’s a new beginning.”
“For you,” Kendall grumbles. “I’m going to die with Gustavo riding my ass.”
“There’s a visual.” James laughs, actually delighted.
The old envy that Gustavo has always liked Kendall best is drowned out by his own record deal.
It’s why the band’s breakup was amiable.
Kendall’s going to stay on with Rocque Records, singing and learning how to produce. He’s always liked the operations side of the music industry better, and as much as he misses Minnesota, he doesn’t want to go back.
Which is good.
James doesn’t want to live a life that Kendall’s not a part of. If the past two years taught him anything, it’s that.
Kendall snorts at James’s dumb joke. “Do you want to get lunch?”
The wind sears through him, icy cold seeping into his bones. “I could eat.”
“When can’t you?”
“Good point.” James swings his arm around Kendall’s shoulders, pulling him close, and Kendall does not pull away.
Things have shifted between them, since Kendall and Jett ended it.
Whatever tension was left from when James tried to self-destruct everything, it’s like it’s all drained away.
When Kendall grins at him, it’s more genuine, more real, than it’s been in a long while.
James would be lying if he said he wasn’t holding onto hope.
He won’t be the one to ask, can’t be, for all kinds of reasons. But his heart is racing beneath his ribs, so hard that Kendall has to be able to feel it.
He steps into the street, focus on the lines of the crosswalk in front of him. Kendall huddles into his body, clad only in a thin red t-shirt. He’s not dressed for the weather, but he’s not complaining, either. Minnesota mountain man.
“New beginnings, huh?” Kendall asks, hurrying their pace. “Do you really believe people can start all over?”
James shrugs, shifting his grip on Kendall’s shoulders. “We did.”
“You’re not wrong. Maybe you just have to want it badly enough.”
“I guess.”
Wanting things badly is what got James into trouble in the first place, but he doesn’t want to say so. Because he still does want things, and even if he’s not begging or wheedling or making sick, twisted deals to get them, he worries the intensity of it all will freak Kendall out.
They’re best friends again, but they’re not the kind of best friends who can get away with anything. Not anymore. James tanked that part of their relationship.
“James. Hi,” Kendall says, and when James looks at him he finds those too-green eyes of his closer than he expected. Kendall is up in James’s face, examining him. “You okay?”
“Yeah, dude.” James tries to usher him more quickly to the other side of the street, but Kendall digs his heels in. The crosswalk flashes a warning light, a red hand blinking over and over and over again. “Are you okay? You’re being weird.”
“I was thinking.” The light changes, and they barely make it onto the opposite curb. A white Tesla speeds past them with a blaring horn, but Kendall doesn’t appear to care. Nor does he notice that they’re lingering under the giant billboard of Jett.
He’s leaning into James, arm snaking under James’s jacket to circle his waist.
James’s pulse hikes up like a kick drum, the boomboomboom of it loud in his ears. “What, uh. What were you thinking?”
“Is there something you want, really badly?”
“Um. A burger sounds pretty great.”
Kendall laughs, soft and sure of himself. He reaches up to touch James’s face, with no trace of hesitation. “There’s something I want.”
“Is it a burger?” James guesses.
Kendall shakes his head. “No. Not a burger. Hey, are you seeing someone right now?”
“No. I, uh. Haven’t even been on a date for a few weeks. Why?”
Never one to play coy, Kendall bounds up on his toes and plants a kiss across James’s lips. They’re out in the open, across the way from Rocque Records. People and cars stream past, all lights and sound, but James doesn’t notice. He winds his fingers in the back of Kendall’s hair and holds him closer, kissing back.
If he had his way, he wouldn’t ever let go.
Kendall is the one who breaks it off first, leaning his forehead against James’s and murmuring, “I forgot what that was like.”
“Good?” James asks.
With a huff of a laugh, Kendall replies, “Not bad.”
James can feel his own laughter rising up through his lungs. But he has to know, has to ask, “Why would you want me? I…I used you.”
Kendall’s eyelashes flutter against his cheeks, pale as starlight. He says, “You did. You used me. You made me feel cheap. And I’m so tired of punishing you for it.”
“I’m sorry.” James has gotten so beyond used to apologizing. But he means it. Every time. “I never should have made you a part of that game. I hate that I can’t ever make it up to you. Not really.”
Kendall kisses James again, and between each tough of his lip, he says, “I’ve never felt as good as I did when I was with you.”
“I’m the same way,” James admits. There’s no use denying it – the racetrack gallop of his heart is more revealing than anything he could say.
“Not giving into it, not being with you, it sucks. I’m probably an idiot-“
“You’re not,” James soothes, curling his fingertips against Kendall’s cheek. “You’re brave.”
“No, I’m dumb. I’m definitely, supremely dumb. But you’re all I want.” His voice breaks a bit, soulful eyes boring into James’s. “I’d rather risk trying to be with you again than keep aching this way.”
James agrees. He mouths Kendall’s lips open, slips his tongue in between. He kisses Kendall recklessly, like this is something he can have.
Kendall pants, “Please. Tell me we can do this. Tell me it’s worth it, that it won’t hurt this time around.”
“We can do this. I want to do this,” James growls, pressing Kendall in flush against his body. “I said it before – it’s you, Kendall. It’s always going to be you. That hasn’t changed. I don’t think it ever will.”
He can say that definitively now.
He’s dated around, he’s done his time. Opportunities to fall in love came and went, and Kendall remains the only one making cameos in James’s dreams.
So he continues, “No bets. No games. No tricks. I want to be with you, and only you. For the rest of my life, if you’ll let me.”
Kendall surges back up against James’s lips, Hollywood falling by the wayside. They are locked in each other’s orbit, drowning in each other’s embrace. Even when the sky opens up, and it begins to pour, they stand there, lip-locked and oblivious.
The rain washes the jacaranda petals from the street, chases the ozone from the air.
But all James can think, and see, and smell is Kendall.
He’s the love of James’s life, and this time, James is never, ever going to let him go.