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A side of the helicarrier exploded, causing the Winter Soldier to lose balance and fall backwards. Even if it wasn’t for the explosion, he would’ve lost balance--because he wasn’t sure anymore. He wasn’t sure who he was. Who he was supposed to be.
When Steve Rogers said those words--“I’m with you til the end of the line”--the Winter Soldier felt like he has found something he’s been looking for decades. He still wasn’t sure what it was, but he just knew. He has found it. And it lied with the man who he tried to kill without hesitation seconds ago, who now was almost unconscious. The man had bruises all over his face, a gunshot wound on his stomach, and several cuts on his legs.
I did that. I did all that. The Soldier thought.
He looked down at his own body--which was pretty badly damaged too--and refused to stand up. He had a cut on his leg, and blood was oozing out of it, making him impossible to stand on his own. He wondered how he endured the pain and the blood for so long. Guess that’s what HYDRA does to you when you’ve been a part of them for decades.
Steve stood up, wiping some blood from his face. When he saw the Soldier lying down a few feet away from him, he literally dragged himself to him--once his dear friend--his only friend. He held his arm out to the Soldier.
“...Let’s get out of here,” Steve said.
He wasn’t sure what exactly happened, but he knew enough that what he said to the Soldier affected him. Possibly brought back some memories from the past. That was enough for him. That meant there was still a bit of Bucky inside the Winter Soldier.
But the Soldier didn’t move. He didn’t try to punch Steve nor push him away like he did minutes ago. He just stayed still, facing what’s left of the helicarrier. It was as if he was lifeless.
“Bucky--”
“...No,” the Soldier said. “I’m not going.”
Before Steve could argue, the Soldier got up and for the first time, faced Steve without rage or hatred. He stared at Steve’s unrecognizable face and shook his head.
“I’m staying here,” the Soldier spoke again. “I still don’t know who I am...or what I am. I don’t even know my name. Sure, you know it, but that’s not me anymore. It can’t be.”
“Buck--” Steve interrupted.
“I did a lot of bad things. They would erase my memories over and over again, until I wasn’t human. I was turned into a machine, a machine who reacts to a series of commands. I may not remember my past, but now I do know it’s better for me to stay and….stop. But you should get out of here. When you still can.”
Steve was silent for a moment. He stared into the Soldier’s eyes, and didn’t speak for a full minute or so. When he spoke again, it was something the Soldier wasn’t expecting.
“...No,” Steve said firmly. “Not without you. Not again. I’m not going anywhere without you ever again.”
The Soldier saw the pain and the sorrow inside Steve’s eyes. Then he heard his own voice saying the same thing--probably decades ago.
Just go! Get out of here!
No! Not without you!
Steve then grabbed the Soldier’s metal arm and put it around his shoulder. And without warning, he jumped off the helicarrier, taking the Soldier with him. As they hit the water, the Soldier closed his eyes.
When he opened them again, he was lying on a bed. His painful memories as the Winter Soldier came back to him.
What if it was all a dream?
What if HYDRA found me again?
What if--
He stopped panicking when he saw another bed next to him, and it was Steve Rogers. He was sleeping, with his eyes closed. That’s when he was relieved again, knowing that he was in safe hands.
“...Bucky?” Steve called.
He smiled. Yes, this was him. Not the Winter Soldier, HYDRA’s weapon...but someone better. He felt like he was a human again.
He felt like...Bucky Barnes again.
“...I’m here, Steve,” Bucky said finally.