Chapter Text
My First and Last Breath
Nothing.
Nothing.
n o t h i n g.
You'd always wondered what death would feel like. Would you feel pain and sorrow in your last moments? Would you feel at peace with yourself?
Death felt like nothing. One moment, your lungs are pushing out the oxygen that holds your body together - the next, you're lying on the ground, a hollow shell of a carcass that once lived. The feeling is cruel and so utterly devastating, knowing that you won't feel alive again. Knowing you won't feel anything again.
Levi gazed over your lifeless corpse. Once so full of life and energy, now laid mangled and lifeless. He doesn't know what to do, or what to say. He stands on the same wall that the two of you gazed over just a few hours back, the sun hiding away in the hills - trying to hide from looking at your frail body. There are emotions running rampant everywhere in his mind; fear, grief, anger, sorrow, frustration.
Regret.
Out of all the things he felt at that moment, the one emotion that prevailed was regret. Why did he allow you to go with Erwin? Why did he allow you to stay back with him? Why couldn't he have sent you with Hange? Why didn't he take your last moments more seriously? Why is he such a failure? Why could he not protect you?
The stench of death and loss was heavy in the air. All those deaths, including yours - they were for nothing. He had Zeke right where he wanted, at the end of his sword - all this loss would have meant something, finally. How did he let Zeke escape?
He was exhausted. Tired. If he could cry, he would - but to whom? The one person who took the time to understand him and really listen to him was lying dead at his feet, the putrid smell of rotting flesh reminding him of your presence. He had a chance to save you, he had the serum that Kenny had given him - he could resurrect you, but what good would that do to the rest of humanity? The others agreed it was either Erwin or Armin, your time had passed. He was livid at those words. Did your life mean nothing to them?
In the haze of such ugly emotions, he realised that he had no choice. He had to give you up. His arms and legs willed him not to leave your body, you at least needed a proper burial. He couldn't even do that, in the midst of saving Armin - he had to desert your body and erase any memory of your existence, you were just a number now; a number amongst the millions that lost their lives at the hands of those...
Beasts.
You awoke with a start. Sweat and tears streaming down your grief-stricken face - you pull your palm over your face, wiping some of the sweat that had collected over your forehead. It was the fifth time in a row that you had gotten the same dream/nightmare knocking at your conscience.
It was always the same scenario; you, dead whilst a man, who you presumed was your lover would weep over your body. You can't explain it, but the image physically tugged at your heart, pestering you to do something about this non-existent agony you'd feel over and over again at the thought of the mysterious and devoted man that would frequent your dreams.
You looked over at your phone, turning it, the bright light illuminating over your face.
5.45 AM
You didn't see any point in sleeping anymore unless you wanted to sleep in - and you didn't want to do that. You looked over your calendar that sat next to your phone, bright red letters marking the day's events; 'big interview - don't be late!'
You sighed and got up.
Crossing the threshold of your dainty apartment, you looked around the white walls that kept you safe from the world - the emotion of not feeling quite at home crossing over your mind. No matter how many trinkets and memories decorated the room - they could never fill this hole that longed to be filled in your heart.
You pushed the thought aside and got on with your morning routine.
You had an interview to get to