Work Text:
Uncertainty
Q knew that he could often pass as extremely naïve: he wasn't human and when he had arrived on Earth, he had been admittedly pretty much oblivious to anything that had to do with love lives - but he had learnt and fast. That didn't mean that he was going to stop being constantly surprised by the smallest details he hadn't noticed before; it was in his nature to be curious and excitable, to let his emotions take the lead - maybe it hadn't always made it easy for him to work at MI6 but it was a part of him that Q hadn't been able to let go of.
He didn't think the people who had learnt to love him and cherished him would have wanted that either, least of all James who currently was the subject of his worry - well, his attitude was.
Going slow when it came to the physical side of their... romance - whatever it was they had and that neither of them had decided to even try to name - at the beginning had been great. Awesome, really. Q had never kissed a human, which meant that he had never had to learn how to adapt his own unique physiology and physicality in order to avoid hurting James (he had made peace with the fact that he would never squick the other man out a long time before that first, shy peck they had shared in the bath), but it had been some time now and Q was starting to grow more and more concerned about James' motives behind those impossibly soft and almost chaste kisses.
What if the agent was afraid of turning him down and was just humouring him to avoid ruining what was between them?
What if James perceived only as a friendship - the kind of deep connection that he didn't want to jeopardize with a romantic entanglement - what they shared?
What if the other man didn't want him?
What if James didn't love him in the same way he did?
What if?
Q stared at the monitor, teeth worrying at the already short nail of his pinkie in an attempt at keeping under control the instinct to let his nature take over - to avoid letting his colours show and clue the entirety of Q-branch in on his turmoil.
James was having sex - it wasn't an unusual sight, seduction was just another weapon at the other's disposal and Q had never been jealous of the targets, not even when he had realised that what he felt for James wasn't just platonic affection and the first stars had started falling under his skin. No, he had always been aware of the fact that none of the targets would ever get what he did: genuine soft affection; unrestrained cuddles; a complete lack of walls between them - they wouldn't get the real James.
Q ignored the tang of blood on his tongue, unable to focus on anything else that wasn't the clenching of muscles on James' back, the evident strain in his thighs, the power and the strength that always were coiled like a lazy cat whenever they were together - tamed, asleep.
Now he couldn't help wondering about whether it was just a lack of passion in his regard, rather than just respect for him and his... otherness.
The thought made him grimace and he slipped the headset off, nodding to R to take up the slack while he got up; it wasn't like anything really interesting was happening and R was more than capable of handling any emergencies that might emerge while Q wasn't there.
He needed some air.
He needed to talk to Eve.
Confidently, he picked his way to her office, making sure that his stride looked purposeful enough so that nobody would stop him to talk on the way there; Q felt nervous and tense, ready to snap at a moment's notice - of course, it would be just his luck that Eve was occupied. She had sent him an apologetic glance when he had peered in, the phone lodged between her shoulder and ear looking like it was going to be there for a long while; Q waved the silent apology away, tapping his watch to reassure her they could meet later.
His personal problems could wait.
The country couldn't.
"Are you okay?"
Q looked up at Eve from behind his tentacles, well aware of the fact that he couldn't hide what he was feeling when she could clearly see it on his skin that had become a mess of blue and grey, veined with purple where his fear and worry over James' perception of their relationship was mixed up with irrational irritation that wasn't even directed to the agent in particular, more towards the situation in general they had managed to create "Not really" he admitted, patting the hard concrete next to him.
Eve followed the invitation, mindless of the fact that the floor of the roof never was clean enough to actually sit down - especially when wearing nice clothes "What's happened?"
"Do you think James wants me?"
She frowned "How do you mean?"
"Romantically" he shrugged "Sexually"
"You said you two kiss, don't you? That seems like he does want you" Eve pointed out, trying to understand what exactly had caused such sudden doubt in the other - had James said or done something? It would be just like the man, to stupidly ruin something good because he thought he didn't deserve it or something like that; she knew it wasn't intentional, that a life of serving his country on the line on the field had messed him up and made it hard for him to just accept it when things were good.
Many agents had that same problem - deep down, Eve knew she had it as well.
Q sighed "We do. But what if he's kissing me because he doesn't want to refuse me? What if he doesn't want me?"
"That doesn't really sound like James"
"This restraint isn't very like him either, from what I've gathered" everyone and their mother knew that James was a sensual creature - that he enjoyed sex and plenty of it even when he wasn't on a mission "I just..." Q huffed, annoyed with himself for being unable to put his worry in a way that wouldn't make him sound like he was losing his head "We share a bed every night. We take baths together. I walk around the house half-naked most of the time. He's never caressed me or kissed me with purpose, all of that fabled fire of his it just... isn't there"
"He just wants to go slow"
"This is agonizingly slow, Eve" he hated the way his voice heated, he knew it wasn't his friend's fault - that she was just trying to comfort him "I'm not human, I know that" Q didn't think he'd ever been so aware of just how alien he was whenever he had started to worry about how the differences between himself and James might be the reason why the other man didn't really seem into him - not in the same way Q was into the agent "But I'm not that different from a virgin human, not when I'm in this body"
"Have you tried pointing this out to him?" Eve inquired as she scooted closer in an attempt at trying to calm Q down: he couldn't go back to the office as upset as he was "Because he can't read minds, Q. He's incredibly perceptive but he's no magician" maybe part of the problem was the innate connection they had had since the beginning that hadn't allowed them to develop the fine art of actually communicating with one another - maybe they'd grown close far too fast to understand their feelings for one another "Talk to him"
"What if he confirms my doubts?"
"Then you know"
It wasn't the comfort he would have liked to receive but Eve had gifted Q with something far more precious: the truth.