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To Thomas, Paradise couldn’t have been any worse. Sure, he was second-in-command, working alongside Minho. But he can’t help thinking who should be in his position, Newt.
Paradise wasn’t quite his paradise.
Some nights, he would lie in his room shared with Minho, clutching the note Newt trusted him with, the words etched in his brain, as if carved out by a knife; Kill me. If you’ve ever been my friend, kill me. He stopped bawling his eyes out by the second week. Having already used up all his tears.
He aches to wake up later, or sleep for the rest of his life. Because he stopped having bad dreams, the real nightmare was when he woke up, not seeing Newt around anymore.
Minho hears Thomas cry out Newt’s name in his sleep, saying things like: “No! Newt, we can save you!” or “Newt, please come with us.” More than once Thomas shot awake, screaming Newt’s name and crying. Minho had to hold on to Thomas, whispering comforting words into his ear before he went back to sleep, whimpering.
Thomas remembered that first night out in the maze, when he stepped out of the glade, in efforts to save Minho and Alby. Thomas never did say anything to Newt about it, but he did it for him. Thomas did it for Newt, because if he didn’t, Newt would have lost two of his best friends. And Thomas could not live with knowing that Newt was devastated by it, and he not even trying to help.
Thomas hated anyone who called him ‘Tommy’, clenching his fists and yelling at that person to shut up. ‘Tommy’ was for Newt and Newt only to call him, not anyone else.
Thomas recalled, from the moment he stepped out of the Box, and into the glade, Newt was there for him, always backing him up. When Thomas stepped out into the maze, he didn’t punish him like he was supposed to, just one night in the slammer. He’d never been closer to anyone in the glade.
Thomas also remembered the first time he told Newt how he felt. And how Newt responded.
Thomas was lurking around Newt for the whole day, always backing out when he decided to talk to Newt. Until Newt finally snapped. “Bloody shank, what do you buggin’ want from me Tommy? You’ve been shucking following me around all day.”
Thomas opened his mouth to speak, but he couldn’t find the words. Newt raised his eyebrows expectantly, waiting for Thomas’s answer.
“I—um, I’ve been meaning to say—I lo—like—um,” Thomas began stuttering like an idiot. He sucked in a breath, mentally scolding himself. “Nah, shuck it. It was nothing anyway.” Thomas turned on his heels and ran to the Homestead.
“Shucking idiot. You brought it upon yourself. Ah, shuck.” Thomas mumbled to himself as he walked over to his sleeping bag. He sat down, feeling dumb.
After a little while, he heard a knock on the door, and Newt barged in, not even waiting for his response. “Hey, Tommy,” Newt said as he pointed towards Thomas. “You buggin’ started your sentence and now I’m hooked. I hate guessing what you were going to say. Tell me.”
Thomas’s body was tingling at how close Newt was to him, sitting next to him, shoulders touching and Newt’s leg brushing his. “It doesn’t matter.” Thomas lied. He wanted so badly to cuddle up next to him and fall asleep with their legs tangled up. He was sure it was love, not lust at all.
“Well, it should matter. You were tailing me all day, before buggin’ out at the last minute,” Newt flashed Thomas a winning smile. “Come on, tell me.”
Thomas was sure Newt didn’t even notice he was moving closer toward him and it sent Thomas’s heart flying all over the place. He wished Newt was more aware of people’s personal spaces. But Thomas liked it.
“Okay, here goes nothing.” Thomas took a deep breath. “I love you Newt. I really do. Since the minute I saw you. You were so nice to me when everyone treated me like I was a piece of klunk. You may not feel the same way but I just wanted to get it off my chest.” The words just spilled out of his mouth.
Newt looked taken aback. Processing each word Thomas said. “Well, shuck me. I fell in love with the Greenie. That’s not a very good title huh?” Newt said, grinning as he cupped Thomas’s cheek in his hand and pulled him in for a kiss. It seemed impossible, in the state of their lives now. But Thomas knew it wasn’t just a dream. He’d pinched himself to make sure.
But Thomas knew Newt was watching him in Paradise, and sometimes, Thomas would start talking to Newt, even though he knew Newt was not going to respond.
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And he was right. Newt was watching Thomas. Newt loved how his Tommy would talk to him when he was lonely. Newt desperately wanted to reply to him, tell him everything’s going to be okay, that he was in a much happier place.
Newt remembered things from the maze too. When Thomas stepped into the maze the second before the doors slammed shut, the night after Thomas had told him he loved him. Newt remembered everyone shouting for Thomas but he just stood there in shock. It was only after about ten minutes when he registered what Thomas did, and he screamed a simple ‘Tommy’. It had caught some of the gladers’ attention, but they left him be.
Newt sat there, helpless as he banged his head on the doors, willing for it to open. Imagine his joy when he saw his Tommy drag Alby back through the doors.
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Thomas tried living as normal as he could without Newt.
After all this time, it still hurt.