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Sou didn’t question the knocking on his door in the middle of the night. He made sure to press a hand to his mouth to quietly muffle his groans and carefully slid out of bed. He didn’t want to wake up Kanna, who had asked to sleep beside him because of her nightmares. He couldn’t have said no to that even if he had wanted to, they all had nightmares in this place. Besides, it helped him too, in a way.
Wrapping his scarf around his neck, he elected to leave his beanie behind before answering the door. Standing there, with bags more prominent and blonde hair disheveled, was Keiji. The detective leaned against the doorframe, and rubbed his neck in a way that seemed almost bashful.
“Hey.” Keiji greeted, with a casual wave of his hand. “Couldn’t sleep.”
Sou sighed and ran a hand over his face. It’s not that he was exasperated at Keiji, he was just tired of everything in general, and the physical exhaustion wasn’t helping much either. Looking back at Kanna, he saw her sleeping soundly, and finally, a small smile graced his lips.
“Alright, let’s go.” Sou replied, walking past Keiji on the way to the other’s room.
This wasn’t the first time this had happened, and it wouldn’t be the last. At some point, through night terrors and hallucinations, nighttime had become their safezone. Where the tense atmosphere and the actions of the morning were ignored, and they allowed themselves to come to each other for comfort.
It was all about survival, and they needed this to survive.
Sou only stopped when he made it to Keiji’s door. It was his space, afterall, and right now, during their peace, he’d rather be let in. Keiji smiled at him as he walked by, and the expression almost reached his eyes. It was strangely gratifying to see, and Sou’s tired frown quirked upwards at the side.
Keiji sat on the bed first and leaned against the wall. Sou knew from experience where to sit, in Keiji’s lap and fully leaning against his chest. He felt the larger man wrap his arms around him and rock back and forth, a deeply vulnerable action that neither of them commented on. Keiji needed to be physically grounded, feel something real and in the present to keep himself there. At least, that’s what Sou had guessed.
“What was the dream?” Sou asked, closing his eyes and holding Keiji’s arms. He knew it was nightmares. It’s always nightmares.
“Mmm…” Keiji mumbled into Sou’s hair, too tired to more eloquently dodge the question.
That was okay. Sou wouldn’t be able to bring himself to answer either. Even though they’ve decided to be more physical for comfort, opening up is still another thing. Sou thought about percentages and fear of death around every corner and had to take in a shuddering breath to calm himself. He was not ready for anyone to know these details, and he accepted that Keiji was the same.
Eventually, Keiji stopped rocking and leaned back against the wall again, though his grip didn’t loosen. Sou leaned his head back and opened his eyes so that he was looking up at Keiji’s face. He took in the other man’s jawline and imagined tracing it with his thumbs. His attention wandered to the other’s lips, and something broken and painfully touch starved in his chest ached despite the physical proximity.
He was too tired to filter himself and regretted it immediately when he asked. “Can I kiss you?”
He tensed up, like a coiled spring and an animal ready to flee. That was too much, too open. His heart quickened with anxiety and he brought his hands to his chest so Keiji couldn’t feel them shaking. His mind spiralled into how bad of an idea this was, how he was such an idiot, and Keiji’s surprised expression staring down at him didn’t help.
“Please.” Keiji answered, and Sou froze, mind blank.
It took him a few seconds to recover. In the meantime, he watched the same anxiety build in Keiji, grit teeth and wide eyes, and he forced himself out of his stupor because it hurt to see it on that stupid, pretty face.
He twisted himself around in Keiji’s lap and rested on his own knees so that they were face to face. He wasn’t quite sure what to do from here, so with shaking hands, he cupped both of Keiji’s cheeks and leaned forward. Their lips connected and the kiss wasn’t anything amazing. Both their lips were dry and they were both still too wary to make it anything more passionate. Still, Keiji pressed his hand against the back of Sou’s head, and Sou’s thumbs were actually caressing his jawline now, and in the moment, it was everything that he needed.
When they pulled back, Sou realized he was still shaking. Instead of releasing the ache in his chest, it had been warped into a tightness in his throat and a heat behind his eyes. Sou tried blinking rapidly to fight it back, but it was no use. Tears streaked down his face and he could only just bring up his hands to his mouth to muffle his sobs.
He had been holding everything back for so long, that the first time that he had felt loved, it all came pouring out.
Sou bit his tongue until he tasted blood, and felt an undying hatred for himself. He couldn’t stay strong, and when he finally broke, it had to be in front of Keiji. Another sob wracked through his body, and he curled his hands into fists so that the nails were digging painfully into his skin.
Strong hands took Sou’s, gingerly unfurling his fingers, and he looked up in surprise to see Keiji’s eyes rimmed red and with tears pricking the sides too. Keiji took a hand with his right, and used his left to wipe away the tear tracks staining Sou’s face, before leaning forward to kiss the spot his thumb had traced.
That was when the last of Sou’s walls broke down and he leaned forward and buried his face fully in Keiji’s chest. Sobs wracked his body, and Keiji gently rubbed circles into his back. Sou could feel the way Keiji’s chest shook with his own sobs, and took solace in the fact that neither of them would ever speak about this again.
They fell asleep like that, curled around each other and safe, despite their circumstances.
When Sou woke up that morning, the spot beside him was cold and empty. Blinking in momentary confusion, he had to grip the scarf still around his neck to try and hold back his disappointment. Right, it was morning.
It was better like this.
Forcing himself to get up, he left Keiji’s room and walked to the lobby. There, he saw the aforementioned police officer, eating breakfast and teasing Sara, who was sitting across from him and not looking the least bit amused. He didn’t even turn to look at Sou, and Sou quickly looked away.
It was better like this.
“Sou!” Called a familiar voice, and Sou turned around to find Kanna running to his side. “Where did you go? Kanna was worried about you!”
When she reached his side, she put her hands on her knees and panted. Sou felt a small, genuine smile light up his face for a second. He made sure to stretch it out into something fake after that, putting his persona back up.
“You were taking too long to wake up.” Sou said, gripping his scarf and grinning. “I couldn’t wait forever for a sleepy head like you, Kanna.”
Kanna huffed a little in response to that and Sou laughed. Things had gone back to normal now, but for some reason, seeing Keiji out of the corner of his eye still hurt. He dug his fingers into his scarf deeper and tried to forget the warmth of the body beside him.
“Come on, I forgot my beanie in the room, let’s go get it.” Sou said to Kanna, already walking in that direction.
It didn’t matter. It was better like this.
It was better like this.
It was better like this.
So why did he feel like crying again?