Work Text:
Xigbar in Court
A very true story written by Vanitas in the Flesh
Darkness. That’s what my life has become. Empty and dark. I don’t even know how to begin to describe the anger and true regret i feel deep in my so-called “heart”. I feel as though someone has taken my perfect life right out of my hands and shattered it into a million itty-bitty pieces right before my very eye.
The coffee machine was broken.
“Hey, Xigbar, how’s it hangin’” Axel entered the office kitchen.
“I am but an empty shell..” I croaked.
“Buddy… what.”
“Without my coffee what am I supposed to do, flamesilocks!? I’ve gotta save my hot topic reject of a son from the grimy hands of Xehanort in, like, an hour!”
“Oh, I dunno, maybe go to Starbucks!” Axel yelled back.
“Oh yeah,” Maybe life wasn’t so empty after all.
“Anyways, I gotta head off to court myself,” The redhead sighed as he grabbed his things from the counter, “I dropped an egg then Saix handed me divorce papers.”
“Yeah, been there done that,” I muttered. Axel stared for a long moment.
“Okay, yeah, bye,” He said quickly before heading out.
I sighed dramatically before putting up my sadly empty coffee cup and grabbing my keys. I suppose I should leave early so I can go get coffee, I decided.
“Where are you going?”
Oh god oh fuck.
“Heeeeyyyy, Manse- I mean Xemnas!” I tried to smile, “Just— uh— off to, ya know, court.” I said trailing off.
“You too?” He grunted, “That’s three of you now.”
“Gotta go get custody of Vanitas,” I said as if it were a daily experience.
“Xehanort would surely make a better father than you,” Xemnas scoffed.
“Pff, as if!” I waved as if to brush off that assumption, “You saw how he treated Ventus! As much of a brat as Vanitas is, no one deserves that old coot.”
Xemnas grimaced as if he personally took offense to that. Hehe.
I walked away shamelessly. I knew what I’d done.
I had only just reached my car when I remembered my lack of... keys.
“You’ve gotta be fuckigggggAH!” I grunted loudly, “Now I’ve gotta go all the way back!” I stormed back into the building.
“Forget your k-“
“Shut the fuck up,” I interrupted Xemnas as I stomped back up to my office.
“That’s one quick way to get fired,” Xemnas sighed and walked into the conference room.
“Fuck! Where are they?!” I smacked papers and cups around my desk, working so furiously that I accidentally knocked over a mug, which proceeded to shatter on the ground. I took personal offense to that. Then I finally spotted them… they were on the key rack. I snatched them up and began to stomp off.
“Bruh,” Marluxia remarked as I walked away from the mess.
Xemnas just glared at me as I walked past him again. I swear, that little bitch doesn’t know who he’s messing with!!! I’m Xigbar!! Badass Motherfucker is my middle name! Wait— what IS my middle name? Oh my god what’s the rest of my name? Do I even have a last name??
Anyway.
I finally got to my car, keys in hand. We’re getting somewhere! I slid into the driver's seat and turned the ignition.
“Finally, on the road,” I sighed to myself. Why are my coworkers such bitches. Anyways. Time to stop at Starbucks.
I pulled into the Starbucks parking lot, only to see the drive-thru line was completely overloaded. With a groan, I sloppily parked the car and decided to go in. As soon as I entered I regretted everything in my life that led up to this.
“Oh, hi, Mr. Xigbar!” Behind the counter was the little redhead Kairi. She herself wasn’t that bad, she was polite and smart. However, it was the spiky-headed friend that seemed to be visiting her that made my heart sink.
“Oh, hey, Xigbar,” Sora waved excitedly at me. Usually, I’m ready to have a weirdly vague, melodramatic conversation that leaves the kid wondering who or what he is but today I was just too damn tired. I hadn’t even gotten coffee yet!
“Hey kiddos!” I forced a smile. Kairi walked over from Sora to the register.
“What can I get you today?”
“Just a— um,” I needed to keep a reputation! “A medium black coffee!”
“Grande black coming up, anything else?”
“Uh— um,” Should I get something for Vanitas? “Uh, a cake pop.”
“Which kind?”
“Uh… the… darkest one?”
She gave me a weird look before going to put it together.
“So, what’re you doing today?” Sora questioned me.
“Just going to court for Vanitas.”
“Oh, good luck!” Sora put his hand on my shoulder, “I know you are a far cooler dad than Xehanort, you got this in the bag!”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
Kairi returned with the coffee and pastry bag. I paid and went to take a sip of the coffee, and almost choked on the bitterness, but I tried my best to hide it and went to go put a little bit of sugar and creamer in. Once I had positioned myself so they couldn’t see, I drowned the cup in sweet sugary goodness before turning around giving a quick, “see ya!” and speed walking out of the building.
Soon, I was back on the road headed for the courthouse.
“Alright! Almost there, nothing to interrupt me and—“
BZZT. BZZT. BZZT.
God damn it.
“Good morning, this is Xigbar speaking,” I answered the phone quickly.
“Hey, Xigbar, it’s Xion,” The phone answered, “I’m sorry, but it’s urgent.”
“What’s up, Poppet?” I kept my eyes glued to the road while talking.
“My car battery is dead and I’ve got no one around to help give it a jump.”
“Right, where are you?”
She wasn’t too far away. I’m sure I had time to spare! I drove over to the area she gave me and soon enough I saw a small purple beetle on the side of the road. I parked in front of her and saw she wasn’t alone either.
“Sup.”
“Hello, Roxas,” In my mind, I was crying.
“Thank you so much for coming out!” Xion hopped out of the car and walked over to the head of her car and opened it. I got out the cables and quickly tried to give the car a boost. Nothing. I tried again. Nothing. She got back out of the car and walked over, “it’s not working!”
“Yeah, I see that, where are you two tigers going anyway?” I asked.
“We were going to support Axel in court for his third divorce.” Roxas leaned in my other window.
“Oh, well have I got some good news for you!”
---
“All buckled up?” I looked back at the two kids.
“Yes, Xigbar,” Roxas answered.
“Thank you, again,” Xion smiled at the mirror I was looking through.
“Just don’t make a habit of it,” I answered.
Back on the road! Two kids with me this time.
“I hope you win, Xigbar, I honestly really don’t like Xehanort. He’s mean.” Xion spoke up.
“Yeah, I hope so too.” I checked my phone for any notifications but saw nothing. Then I realized I had no internet connection. Damn.
“Yeah, Vanitas is a little bitchy but he doesn’t deserve that stupid boomer— ow!” Roxas yelped after Xion elbowed him. “Well, he is!”
Finally, I pulled up to the building and parked the car. It’s about time!
“Uh, Xigbar, I know you’re getting kinda old but this is obviously is not the courthouse…” Roxas remarked.
“A, I know, B, this eye isn’t that old yet!” I answered, “I’m just quickly stopping for donuts, Mans— Xemnas, wanted me to grab the company’s donuts for today while I’m out.”
“Oh! I’ll help!” Xion hopped out of the car.
“I’ll just sit here for now,” Roxas sunk deeper into my seat.
“Fine, just don’t touch anything!” I demanded before turning to the store.
“As if…” Roxas muttered.
Was he mocking me?
Xion held the door open for me before running to look at the donuts.
“I want the strawberry sprinkled! Or the classic glazed! No, wait the chocolate old-fashioned! Is that fruity pebbles?” Xion sputtered.
“Hey, calm down, kiddo, just choose one,” I walked up to the counter. “Two dozen chocolate and glazed mix.”
“And a strawberry sprinkled!” Xion added on.
The clerk quickly put everything together and I paid with the company card.
“Thank you,” I remarked as I walked back out. Inside Roxas seemed to have not moved an inch from his hunched phone-scrolling position.
“Alright, time to win back my emo son!” I turned the ignition once again and set off. It took around 20 minutes to reach the local courthouse.
“Thanks, Xigbar!” Xion yelled back as she and Roxas ran into the building.
“Yeah, no prob—,” I was about to walk in myself when my phone started ringing wildly. Must have finally connected to the internet. I looked at it only to find 32 message notifications, all from Vanitas.
“Oh, dear,” I walked up to the door but couldn’t even open it before I was stopped.
“Where have you been?!” Vanitas ran up behind me.
“Ope, one sec,” I took my thumb and lightly wiped away I bit of smudged eyeliner next to his left eye. He thwacked my arm away and stood on his tippy toes to attempt eye-level with me.
“Seriously man, what the hell have you been doing?!”
“Getting donuts?”
“Getting donuts?! Dude, you’re an hour and a half late!”
“Oh, whoops,” I pat his head, “Well, let’s go deal with this!”
“The thing was an hour and a half long.” He said through his teeth.
“Oh,” I looked down at him. “ Um… want a donut?”
“...yes.”