Chapter Text
Whatever Crowley was, Aziraphale was the inverse. Crowley’s soul was made of fire and heat and love and life. Aziraphale’s soul was empty, nothing but a collection of quirks to hide behind and other people’s pain. Someone who can only express his own pain with other people’s words. He’s wondered if Crowley ever felt similarly, but dismissed the thought of asking - it would bring up questions he doesn’t want to answer, and he already knew what Crowley would say if he did ask. Crowley would give him a worried look and say he was fine as he was, and blame heaven or the humans or something. He’d be wrong though; Aziraphale is the problem. Atrocity after atrocity after reprimand, he’d think it’s me. It’s just me.
Aziraphale had asked Crowley once, sometime in the late 1100s, if he found physical existence tiring. If he would blink and be somewhere else with no memory of moving. Crowley had laughed with drunken confusion, and Aziraphale had quickly changed the subject.
It’s me. It’s just me.
In his weaker moments, Aziraphale considered it - letting go. Falling or hellfire, whatever would work. But that was weakness, no matter what he said to humans with similar thoughts. Aziraphale is not human; he is needed in a way no one else is. He is not human; he does not have the time for these thoughts, cannot even consider acting on them. If he left, who would help mankind? Aziraphale couldn’t leave or falter. He was eternal, and it sometimes made him want to scream.
The day the antichrist was born was a good day. When he learned about Armageddon, his first thought was a horrified oh, God. The day before had not been a good day - if Adam had been born one day earlier, would Aziraphale’s first thought have been thank God? Stupid question; of course it would have been, because Aziraphale is nothing if not selfish.
“I am an angel, Crowley. I have a single purpose. Nothing more or less”
“That doesn’t mean you deserve this, angel! Please, listen to me. You told me before, that we deserve to be happy. That we’ll be happy. You can’t keep burning yourself out”
“We can be happy, Crowley. I am - nothing has to change”
“For fuck’s sake, Aziraphale! You’ve barely been cognizant the past two weeks and can’t hold your corporation together! This isn’t normal. Let me help you, please”
“Only if I can help you, heart”
“This is about you. I’m fine”
“I know what panic attacks look like, Crowley” Even as Crowley froze, Aziraphale couldn’t bring himself to feel bad. Crowley shouldn’t be looking after him, it was supposed to be the other way around.
“I, I don’t need help, Aziraphale”
“So, there’s no problem. You mentioned going to the observatory, would you like to do that tonight?” Crowley looked at him, shock and sadness on his face.
“Angel… we did that two nights ago”
“...Oh”