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There seems to be someone else he likes, and it isn’t me.
It’s evident in the way he talks. He doesn’t seem to remember this other person; how could he? His memory’s been washed away by the dark god Vector. But every time he ends up in a discussion about love, there’s this look in his eyes and this tone to his voice. He clearly knows what it’s like to love and be loved. He’s felt the warmth of another’s hand in his. Maybe his lips have brushed against someone else’s, in the most intimate act where two people were joined in wedlock.
I had, of course, no evidence for this. Without his memory, there was no way to know how much of this presumption was true, which meant that I didn’t have as much to worry about as I made myself think I did. I needed to take a breath. My thoughts were going too fast, imagining the life he used to live.
Other options could answer this dilemma. Kirito might be a hopeless romantic, ever dreaming of the perfect love story in his mind. He didn’t usually seem like the type of person to be romantic; he was awkward, he frequently did things to rile others up, and he performed weird stunts like climbing through the bedroom window instead of using a door. Frankly, it made him look like the least romantic person in the entire world. Still, that funny look in his eyes was present even now, making me wonder about a hidden memory or quiet, secret hope in his heart.
“So, it’s romantic, then?” he asked me.
He was running a cloth over his practice sword, making sure it was nicely cleaned before putting it away with mine. He’d forgotten about so much of the world that it seemed odd to me. Someone of his age wasn’t familiar with things like rules in the Taboo Index or special holidays. This was one of those instances where I was once again having to tell him about something that he should have known about by now.
“Yeah,” I said. “You give gifts of fruit or sweets to your lover. It can be confessional or something you do because you are already married. I suppose it’s more of a commoners’ thing. I heard nobles end up in arranged marriages.”
Kirito frowned for a moment, but then that look came over him. His eyes looked warm and distant. There was a faint smile on his lips.
“It’s a lot like Valentine’s Day or White Day…” he mumbled.
What he’d just say? Those words didn’t sound familiar.
“Did you just say, ‘Violence Day,’ Kirito?” I asked.
He started choking on laughter almost immediately. I didn’t see what was so funny. I set down my sword, stood up to my full height, and crossed my arms over my chest. He glanced over at me and started laughing even harder. Frowning, I marched over to him and glared down at him. He cleared his throat and hopped up next to me.
“Sorry, sorry,” he said. “I didn’t say anything about violence, though. But a romantic holiday sounds pretty nice! You got anyone in mind?”
He elbowed me, giving me a rather large toothy grin. I brushed him off.
“Until we get into the guard here in Zakkaria, the only people I’m around are you and the Wolde family,” I said.
Kirito laughed sarcastically.
“What?” I said.
He wrapped an arm around my neck.
“How sweet of you, Eugeo!” he said, putting on his most facetious tone yet. “To confess your love to me with sweets!”
Heat flushed into my face. I shoved him off, trying not to be too obvious. Why did he have to go and say that? His sarcastic tone made my heart feel heavy. He didn’t know how badly I wanted to do something just like that. Of all of the ways I could admit my love for him, that seemed to be the best. He loved a good baked treat from a local shop. But now, the embarrassment was a bit too high for me to even think about it.
“Idiot,” I muttered.
Kirito gave me a perplexed look. I turned away from him and tried to change the conversation.
“I think if we keep up our practice, we’ll do well in the tournament,” I said, glancing over at the practice swords. “I’m just hoping that we both do well. I’d hate for us to end up being split up there.”
Shaking his head, Kirito placed a hand on my shoulder.
“That’s why, if I succeed and you don’t, I’ll wait for you to catch up,” he said. “I hope you’ll do the same for me.”
My heart felt a bit more at ease. I always had this sinking feeling that someday he’d end up leaving me. But the way he talked, he always made sure to reassure me that I was his partner. He wasn’t going anywhere without me and he hoped that I wouldn’t go anywhere without him. My anxious heart skipped a beat just thinking about it. Why had he made things awkward a moment ago? It made it much harder to express this sentiment, even platonically.
“Of course, I will!” I said.
It was the best I could come up with. It didn’t sound like a confession nor did it sound forward at all. Though, I couldn’t be sure what my face looked like when he smiled at me and my heart started to race. I hoped it wasn’t too weird. His smile was radiant.
“Now, I’ll race you to the shop to get the weekly supplies!” Kirito said.
And just like that, he was back to his much less than romantic self all over again. He sped out of the barn without a second thought. I hurried after him, telling him not to run like a child in the streets. He just laughed and kept running, zooming all of the way through the crowd to make his way to the shop. By now, we’d both learned the way without any difficulty. I shouldn’t have worried about him taking a wrong turn at this speed, but he kept looking back over his shoulder at me.
Things seemed fine for about five minutes, but then he turned a corner while looking back and slammed into a shop sign headfirst. He toppled onto the ground in a heap. I hurried over to him and crouched down to see if he was alright. People were staring. I swallowed and patted his cheek. His eyes didn’t open.
“Oi, Kirito, not funny,” I said.
Nothing.
“Did you really slam your head that hard?” I sighed.
Nothing.
Instead of getting irritated, I just sighed. If he was faking it, I’d look like a jerk to everyone else on the street. If he wasn’t, then I really was a jerk. So, I picked him up and carried him back to the barn. I went inside and told Triza that Kirito had slammed his head into a shop sign and asked her if she knew where I could get some ointment for his forehead. I ended up having to go a few blocks down to a different shop, pick up ointment, go to the previous shop, pick up our supplies, and then head back to the barn to see if my partner and friend was faking this all or not.
By the time I’d gotten back, there was, indeed, quite the welt on his forehead. He hadn’t moved an inch, tipping me off that he’d actually gone and whacked himself silly. I sighed, shaking my head. When would he learn? He was already too much of an adult to do this sort of nonsensical thing.
Yet, I couldn’t stay mad at him. I knelt down beside him and fished the ointment out of the bag. I made sure to gently prop his head up on my lap so I could apply the stuff to his head. There was nothing I could do to make him come to; Triza said they didn’t have any smelling salts, and something like that was well out of my budget. I had to settle with just treating his topical wound. I hoped that someday I could just use sacred arts to deal with this.
I dipped my fingers in the ointment and carefully applied it to the affected area. For a quiet moment, I watched his face, wondering when he’d wake up. My heart fluttered and my stomach felt like it was full of butterflies. Kirito was in my lap. I wiped my hand off and nervously started to stroke his hair. What would he think if he knew what I was doing right now? Would he be upset or angry? Would he like it? I bit my lip.
Even if he was, to my delight, single when his memories returned, there was still the issue of the Taboo Index. I wasn’t allowed to love him even then. But more than anything, I wanted to tell him how I felt. Somehow, my fear of rejection was much stronger than my fear of breaking the Taboo Index. It didn’t make sense.
Maybe this was just how love worked. You forget about the logical things, like broken rules or forbidden things that should never be spoken of. Your heart does what it wishes and imagines things it cherishes without a care in the world. It didn’t matter that I would never dream of violating the Taboo Index—I wanted to hold him. I wanted to love him. I wanted to kiss him.
My heart ached as I looked down at his peaceful face. Why did it ache so? If this was what love was, I wasn’t sure I wanted any part of it. Watching him day after day and feeling my longing grow more and more only made this ache worse. It was a constant dull pain in my chest, throbbing and increasing as time went on. The more time I spent with Kirito, the more I loved him. I couldn’t change this. It was beyond my control.
I ran my fingers through his silky black hair and traced along his jawline. With my hands cupping his face, I felt myself tempted to lean forward and try to kiss him. I shook my head. No, that was no good. He was unconscious. I felt the tension build up in my chest until it finally burst. Tears streamed down my cheeks.
“It’s not fair!” I cried.
No one was nearby to hear my distress or comfort me. I was alone to deal with my feelings. If I confessed, someone might tell the local sister, after all. I had to keep these feelings bottled up in my chest. That was the only place where they would be safe from prying ears and judgmental stares. I reached up and went to wipe the tears away from my eyes. But then, I felt a finger trace along my cheek that wasn’t mine. I stared down in shock.
“Don’t cry, Eugeo,” Kirito said, laughing. “It’s just a bump.”
That only made me wail more. He was so oblivious to the storm of feelings in my chest. He just smiled up at me, so beautifully that my heart couldn’t stand it. The dam was thrown open by the river of sentiments I was holding in. I couldn’t tell him. Not now, not ever. Those feelings had to remain locked up in my heart.
Kirito sat up and wrapped his arms around me. I doubt he truly knew why I was so distressed, but he was doing what he always did. He was comforting me in his own way, even if he couldn’t understand what was stressing me out. I leaned my head against his and returned his embrace, crying softly into his shoulder.
I love you, I thought. I love you more than I’m allowed to say.
He gently squeezed me. Was it a coincidence? Of course, it was. But in that moment, it felt like he was returning my feelings. I could be satisfied with that. Because I’d never say a word about this to him. Just having him stay by my side was worth all of the strain loving him put on my heart.
“Thank you,” I whispered.
Kirito hummed.
“What for?” he asked.
I buried my face in his shoulder.
“For everything.”
He patted my head.
This was fine. I should never change this. My heart is satisfied.
Because Kirito would never leave me behind.