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The Day
You left him with an empty bed that had been decorated with rose petals and the piano pieces you had secretly printed. You left him with the voices that refused to leave him at peace with your passing, and perhaps never will.
And you left him with a family that wasn’t his own, to fill up a space that should have been yours this whole time, except it wasn’t. Donghyuck…do you have any idea how much color had seeped out of the life of your adoptive brother, Mark Lee, once you passed? Did it cross your mind how many people would struggle to piece back the puzzles of their lives, only to realize that your spot will forever remain empty?
The thing is, Donghyuck, have you ever considered the fact that so many people wanted to be by your side when you finally breathed your last? Even your brother, Jaehyun, had thrust open the bathroom door in annoyance, thinking you had accidentally locked it, only to find you resting within scarlet water with blood smudged over your cheeks.
Had you ever thought that Jaehyun wanted to be the one to wipe away those tear tracks when your bloodied hands could not do anything other than make it worse?
Jaehyun had pulled you out and into his arms, as if his body could be any warmer than the water that had enveloped you like a blanket. His thin pianist fingers had traced the curve of your pale lips before whispering things that he should have before you went.
I love you so much, Hyuckie
You have the most beautiful voice I have ever heard
You’re worth more than you could have ever imagined
Because Jaehyun knew those hooded eyes of yours would never open to reveal the spark of mischief and endless wonder it once bore. Even when his mind was screaming “SAVE HIM SAVE HIM” over and over like a broken record, he knew that there was nothing left to save. You had saved yourself when no one else was there to help you.
The Days after Donghyuck
When the brother you had accepted into your family during kindergarden fainted in the middle of football practice, they would never have expected it was because of you.
Donghyuck, the world after you passed were no longer seen in dates and days, to Mark Lee. There was only After Donghyuck, and During Donghyuck. The hours and days that had passed by were blurred and insignificant, because all of them didn’t contain you.
If you were there, you would have forced Mark to stay outside of the room that held your body, knowing that emotional control was not his strongest trait. But you were not there, and nothing could separate you from him or him from you. You were only a year apart and now those years will stretch into decades until Mark sees you as an old memory of his, too long gone, gone too early.
He was there to hold your hand, to bear witness the marks that were imprinted in your skin that lost the time they could have had to heal and to be forgotten. Every single one made him question the life he had led in blindness towards what you had suffered.
The school you had gone to seemed to become paralyzed upon the news of your going. You might had thought your death would pass by like a puff of wind, a morning of sadness before all was normal.
The thing is, Donghyuck, no one could forget someone like you.
Donghyuck…you smiled at every single person in the hallway and greeted everyone with such equality that no one truly knew how to identify if you were a friend or not.
People would ask “Were you friends with Donghyuck?” and the answers would be “I think so” “Maybe, I’m not sure” “He never said but he treated me like one”.
Donghyuck, you made everyone seem special in their own way. You never hurt anyone intentionally or for your personal satisfaction. Perhaps, it is too late to say, but your smile was one of the things people looked forward to in the morning even when they didn’t say.
And when you went, that thought of the smile you had given the day before being the last was unbearable. Students and teachers alike were scouring through the clues you had left behind, the small memories you had imprinted in the school to try and comprehend why you did it.
Was he ever bullied? Was it because he was failing in science? Do you know how he is at home? Did they find any evidence that proves he didn’t do it intentionally?
The questions were endless and people turned to the small group of friends you had made for yourself. Donghyuck, you were a savior for pulling them into your arms and making them yours. The overlooked students that had been branded as misfits were protected once you made their talents known to the school. You gave them endless love and hope and a friendship they would never think of abandoning.
That is why, Donghyuck, when you passed, they never separated. Even during class, no one would dare come between Jeno and Jaemin, Jisung and Chenle. Even Renjun who had jumped a grade was left alone when he asked for space. It was a coping mechanism, and perhaps a way of protection.
Because they knew exactly why you had done what you did.
They knew what lay under that gorgeous smile of yours, even when you had insisted they not pry into your personal life. The teachers had them gathered in the counseling room, asked them questions upon questions regarding your personal health.
The teachers were afraid. You looked like the happiest person alive, but then you weren’t. Loss makes people scared, makes them think your death was a catalyst and that more will disappear from their sight if they’re not observant, more careful.
“I know it is hard for all of you, but we NEED to know”
They were being treated like porcelain glass. They probably were. No one could ever comprehend the grief and distraught they had gone through. It was an immediate response for them to seek out each other, to keep the members of their small group from shattering to pieces.
“We’ll take care of it” Jeno had spoken in a one of finality. “It is not our business to tell, until the matter is settled”
Mark Lee
Take responsibility
YOU are the culprit
MARK LEE KILLED LEE DONGHYUCK
You’re trying to replace him!
You’re jealous!
Grief makes humans do reckless, crazy and inhumane things. That was what Mark Lee concluded as he wiped off the remaining marker from his desk with a wet rag. If someone were to come close enough, they would see the trail tracks that he had given up on wiping on his cheeks, sinking in the hollow of his cheekbones.
“Mark”
The voice was laced with hatred. The last thing Mark wanted was for someone to see him at his most vulnerable moment.
“What do you want, Jeno?”
His voice was shaking hard. When he turned, the boy was standing rock still at the doorway. Mark had long been intimidated by his sharp features and the way he held himself, the authority that wafted off of him. Perhaps it was because he sis not speak up often, and when he did, it held extreme importance.
It was a trait that Donghyuck had realized and the boy had forced him to enter the school council.
“It’s your fault, you know?”
That was it. That was enough for one day.
Mark threw his wet rag onto the table, slamming both of his fits down. The action, however, did not seem to make Jeno waver at all. In fact, Jeno ended up slamming the door shut with such force, the wood creaked against the metal bolts.
“No, YOU don’t get to be angry in this situation!” Jeno seethed and marched up to the older boy, gripping his collar in his fisted hand. “Not when Hyuck is gone. Not when you’re oblivious to what yo’ve done!”
Mark wanted to scream, to tell him that it wasn’t his fault. The emotions he had bottled up since he had seen Donghyucks body under the covers swirled in his stomach angrily. Yet, they were held back not by his self-control, but by his own naivety.
The teachers had talked about how secretive Donghyucks friends were about his condition. As bad as it sounded, Mark wanted to know.
“He was being so subtle about it” Jeno said. His voice had become noticeably softer, a hint of grief. “You wouldn’t have noticed if you weren’t close to him”
The hand gripping his collar loosened before it flopped to its owners’ side. When Mark picked up the courage to look at Jeno, the younger was wiping away tears from his face, clearly frustrated by the onslaught of emotions he couldn’t contain.
“Jeno…” Mark tried but the latter held up a hand, asking for space.
“It was you. It was always you” Jeno mumbled before turning away. He walked to the door before stopping, turning slightly so Mark could see the edge of his lips.
“You made him feel like he wasn’t enough” Jeno said shortly.
He disappeared out the door, leaving Mark confused.
-
“MARKEUUUU!!!”
Mark stopped at the doorway of his home, shellshocked at the sight that beheld him. Tayeong gave him a worried smile before ushering for Jaehyun to get off the couch and into his room. The kitchen smelled of beer and something akin to the hot chocolate mother used to make.
“Come on, you’re making a fool out of yourself” Taeyong murmured and slung Jaehyuns limp arm over his shoulders, forcing him to stand. ‘Don’t puke on the carpet”
Jaehyun snorted drunkenly. “He’s GONE! He’s up there and flyin with his cutesy little wings and halo. Uwuu…my cute Donghyuckie-“
“JAEHYUN!!!” Taeyong yelled in distraught as Jaehyun chuckled heartily, a lopsided smile on his face. “You’re going to upset Mark”
Mark offered a smile before rushing upstairs, unable to bear the sight of the broken man that was his brother. He couldn’t even think about what Jaehyun must have felt, being the one to open the door and see the corpse of their brother.
From what Jaehyun had told him, there was no eerie feeling of foreshadowed death. He didn’t feel this terrible aura from the bathroom. In fact, he didn’t even consider the possibility of Donghyuck…passing…when he found the door locked.
It was just a day with Donghyuck, and then a day After Donghyuck.
Strangely enough, he found himself pulled to Donghyucks room. It was a feeling he couldn’t understand, a sense of longing, perhaps, to feed off of the last of whatever remained of his brother.
“You made him feel like he wasn’t enough”
The petals that had been scattered on Donghyucks pokemon themed bed were brown at the edges, the sheets of music crumpled as if his mother had come in and sobbed her heart out in the covers. The rest of the room was still in order, the way Donghyuck always left it.
He rarely touched the many items that decorated his room, most probably fixated on the computer that was still open on his table. He wasn’t that tidy, but he wasn’t messy either. In a sense, it was hard for Mark to truly describe who Donghyuck was.
Mark dropped his bag by the door, slowly making his way around the room. He made sure to make no sound, as if DOnghyuck himself was somehow still asleep somewhere. He wasn’t a heavy sleeper.
Books and files were aligned on the shelves, packed and organized, although Mark knew Donghyuck had jammed them in with such vigor, it would leave a dent in the book covers. On his desk were more ringed files and exercise books Mark didn’t know Donghyuck possessed. It was hard for Mark to picture Donghyuck bending over those, or perhaps it was another thing he overlooked.
Carefully, he pulled at the end of a file with one finger, brow creasing in confusion when it did not budge. He tugged at it harder, hearing the other files rub against each other in protest before it broke free with such power; the unclipped papers in it went flying on the floor.
A sense of panic zipped through Marks veins as he knelt, desperate to tidy up and return the room to its original state. He shouldn’t touch Donghyucks belongings. Hell, he shouldn’t even BE in here.
When his eyes skimmed over the papers, he froze.
During the years that passed, Mark knew there was one thing their Mother consistently said about Donghyuck. He was an amazing writer.
In front of his eyes, pages filled with unending words and stories and everything he could never have thought of was scrawled in Donghyucks messy handwriting. Each page had a title, as if Donghyuck had written a part of a storyline and simply discarded it as another idea came.
“You’re good at writing, Donghyuck” their mother had said as she drove them back from school. “But I wish you’d quit daydreaming and living in your own world. You should be more responsible and help me out!”
Mark glanced at Donghyuck who was looking outside. His ears were plugged and was probably blasting MJ music. He was being as irresponsible as ever, and Mark held in the urge to slap his thigh to get him to pay attention.
“He can’t hear you, he’s listening to music” Mark said and his mother gave a disheartening sigh, rambling about how Donghyuck should quit his bad habits and start being more helpful in the house.
Perhaps, if Mark looked more carefully, he would realize the tears that had started to drip sown his face and the silent sobs Donghyuck tried to suppress. He would have seen the way Donghyuck fingers moved to start the music only after their mother stopped speaking and the way he buried his head in the neck pillow to hide his pain.
But he didn’t realize all of that.
Mark desperately gathered all the papers, sloppish and uncoordinated like the emotions bubbling in his chest. Hints. Donghyuck had left hints.
The grief stricken boy slammed the papers onto the desk, moving to the exercise books that were now toppled over. Each one had Donghyucks name written on the cover in thick black marker. The insides were stuffed with paper where he found various notes drawn with more pictures than words.
The exercise books weren’t finished, the usual way Donghyuck left them. Mum had allways chastised him for not trying hard to be excellent in his studies. However, there were small sticky notes that were stuck to the pages.
Renjun is good at this topic.
Repetitive. Have done it in class.
Don’t understand this topic at all. I regret going to the competition.
Mark stopped, squinting at the tight notes that were trying to explain the whole process of electrolysis. It was obvious that Donghyuck was struggling hard. When he thought back to the time, Donghyuck had been absent for nearly a week because of his debate competition, missing a whole week of chemistry.
“It’s because of that debate stuff you’re doing!” their mother had protested once. “You can’t even manage your sharp tongue. You hurt our feeling too much”
Their father nodded aggressively. “I told you not to get involved in those kinds of activities. We don’t need that kind of attitude in our family”
It was after Mark had burst into tears after a particular fight with Donghyuck. They were driving back from school again; as such conversations came up during that time. Mark knew he had a thing for snitching on his brothers attitude in hopes he would fix himself after a proper scolding.
“It’s not even that hard to debate. All you do is be the rude and talk back. We all know you like arguing over simple matters. You take us for granted, Donghyuck. We’ve been hurt by your words many times.”
If Mark had the audacity to, perhaps, look over in worry, he would have noticed the subtle sadness that Donghyuck showed amidst the stony expression. Quietly, he tucked the Overall Best Speaker certificate back into his file and buried the mini glass trophy deep inside his bag.
No matter how much he did to make them proud of his achievements, somehow, they made everything h he did look like a mistake, a problem. When he tried to fish for complements, bringing up his successes, they always told him not to be so full of himself.
“That wasn’t my intention” Mark whispered, throwing the books aside and pulling Donghyucks bag from under the table. When he scoured through the contents, indeed, he found a file that contained all of Donghyucks certificates.
From martial arts, to debating, to orchestra to public speaking. They were all in there and all of them had achievements beyond what mark could have that of him being capable of. He vaguely remembered the way all of them teases him for being a percussionist, saying it was easy and ignoring the laugh Donghyuck had produced to cover up his sadness.
All this time, he had overworked himself to prove to them that he was something beyond academics, beyond what himself and Jaehyun were. But none of that was looked at.
Mark knew his small achievements like scoring a goal and hitting a ten during archery were celebrated during the car ride home after school. Now that he thought about it, he wondered why Donghyuck never received the same treatment.
The contents of Donghyucks bag was emptied out on the floor, but none bore any more hints towards why he did it. The only place Mark could think of that Donghyuck would spend his time on was the computer,
Thankfully enough, Donghyuck did not bother to place a password. The homescreen of his computer was an anime Mark couldn’t identify. The apps on the bottom of the screen were mostly games and social medias.
Of all social medias, Mark knew it was twitter that held the most darkest secrets.
The app automatically opened to Donghyucks public account, one Mark was blocked from due to his snitching habit of telling their parents whatever Donghyuck was up to. In fact, he was blocked on instagram too.
Almost automatically, he moved the mouse to open the drafts of Donghyucks account. That was where he always let his worst thoughts gather for him to read again when he was in a similar mood.
What he found made him freeze.
I don’t think I can do this.
I’m so useless, so worthless. Why can’t Mum and Dad treat me like they treat my hyungs?
I’m so tired.
Inferiority complex. Is that what I have?
I don’t feel like living anymore.
I’ve worked myself to the bone. Why else should I do?
Why do they keep misunderstanding me? Is it because they’ve given up on me?
Is that it? I’m not worth your time? Is that why you keep ignoring me?
I’m here. I’m here too. I’m your son, too.
I’m a burden. I shouldn’t be alive. I just make things worse.
I shouldn’t have been born. Why wasn’t Mark born into this family? I can’t do anything right and I know its just making them more upset. Why can’t I do anything right?
Would it be okay, if I just disappear? Would they miss me? Would they be happy?
I think so.
Mark collapsed to the floor, sobs racking his body so violently; he barely had any room to breathe. He was vaguely aware of Taeyong rushing in, trying to keep him calm and asking why he was here.
“It’s my fault” Mark stuttered brokenly into his palms. “He thought he wasn’t good enough. He thought he was a burden because he was always in my shadow. I should have realized he felt that way! I should have told him he didn’t have to feel inferior to me.”
Taeyong shook his head, trying to convince him that it wasn’t his fault, but Mark knew that wasn’t true. There were so many hints that Donghyuck had left lying around. He had disguised his overwhelming sense of self-hatred by doing the exact opposite.
He had had the whole family fooled into believing he was okay. Mark wanted to curse at him for not telling them, but it wasn’t his obligation to. When you are no longer treated with care, you would stop looking for it.
“I killed you, Hyuckie” Mark whispered under his breath, his consciousness fading. “How am I supposed to ask for forgiveness now that you’re gone?”
“They look happier when they’re with you” Donghyuck admitted as he passed by Mark.
The latter looked at him in confusion. “I don’t get it.”
“It’s you. It’s always been you” Donghyuck smiled that beautiful sunlight smile. “You make Mum and Dad happy. “
Mark scoffed and shrugged his shoulders. “So do you”
“Not the way you do” was the reply before the latter walked to his own room, shutting the bedroom door tightly. Little did Mark know that that was the last time he would see Donghyuck breathing, and that the last smile he saw was a fake.
You see, Donghyuck…you were loved by so many people. When Mark found out, he was devastated. Have you ever thought of the effect of your death on him?
You would of screamed and yelled in silence, the way those who are gone do, if you ever saw Mark at the roof of the school, right at the edge with the breeze blowing his hair sideways. He almost jumped, Donghyuck, and everyone was so scared that they would lose another.
Donghyuck, would you have ever thought that the one to pull him back was your small group of friends, but mostly Jisung. Sweet little Jisung that you had taught to socialize.
You would have been so proud watching him stand beside Mark and hold his hand, talking about how precious you are and how precious life is. Everyone was still, and no one dared to make a noise to break the connection of peace the two whos lives were at the edge of the building.
And when Jisung told him that you could never hate him, despite how inferior you felt to him, he had collapsed backwards, away from the danger that was 13 floors down. Your death could have lead to one more, but it made others strong.
Donghyuck, you are missed and you were worth the life of a boy named Mark Lee that you accepted in your arms as a family. You were worth the happiness of your peers that they struggled to regain, perhaps never to the amount there once was.
But you were worth something, Donghyuck, and they hoped you knew that before you went.
You were loved to the very end, and after.