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Sleepily Kartik turned around on their queen size bed and stretched his arm out to find a cold and empty bed beside him instead of the warmth of Aman. Turning again, he reached out for his phone on the nightstand and checked that it was just 5:27am – too early for the bed to be empty. “Amannn” he called out, “Kidhar gaya” where did you go but received only silence in return. Grumbling be stuffed his face into the pillow and went back to a few hours more of restless sleep, hoping for a warm, grounding arm around him.
2 hours later the bed remained uncomfortably empty and another call for his partner was unanswered. Now out of the grogginess of 5am, Kartik felt worried. Gathering all his strength (he really wasn’t a morning person), he threw off the covers and stood up, stretching his arms.
“Kya kar raha hai, saale, kabse pukaar raha hu” What are you doing, idiot, I have been calling for you.
He hobbled into the living room, pulling on a pair of fluffy pyjamas and saw Aman in the kitchen. A cup of steaming coffee was on the kitchen counter while Aman looked over a pan of what looked suspiciously like scrambled eggs. “Good morning” Kartik said which finally elicited the response of Aman looking over at him and smiling softly and replying “Morning, itni jaldi kyu jaag gaya” Morning, why did you wake up so early?
“Yeh mujhe nahi puchna chahiye? Kaunse time uth gaya tha” Shouldn’t I be the one asking that question? What time did you wake up? Kartik said, walking over to his boyfriend and nuzzling into his neck while his arms snaked around the shorter one’s waist. “Just couldn’t sleep” was all Aman offered in way of an answer.
“Have you been smoking?” Kartik pulled his face out from Aman’s neck that held the strong odour of cigarettes and looked worryingly at Aman. Kartik had seen Aman struggle to quit cigarettes and knew how long it had been since Aman hadn’t succumbed to the addiction therefore understood something must be wrong to cause him to smoke. “Kuch nahi, jaane de” Nothing, let it go Aman said quietly, refusing to meet Kartik’s gaze, instead choosing to shake out Kartik’s loose grip around the waist and go fetch a plate for the eggs. “Aman, bol kuch, kya hua?” Aman, say something, what happened? Kartik asked, now leaning against the counter, eyes following his love’s stiff movements.
Kartik has always loved the expressiveness on Aman’s face – a mouth twitch that displayed endearment at Kartik’s antics, a droop in eyes that happened after lying time and again to his family, the furrow in his eyebrows when he was working out a difficult problem, the wide-eyed indignation on behalf of Kartik when passing comments where made about the nose-ring, tattoos or clothes. All these tiny things made his love for Aman grow every day, but the lack of any expressiveness on Aman’s face right now worried Kartik to no end. Aman shuffled past Kartik with the plate of eggs in on hand and the coffee in another, adamantly refusing to meet Kartik’s eyes “Bola na jane de” I told you, let it go
“Kyu jaane du? Haq bante hai mere janne ko ke mere boyfriend ne, jo 2 saal se cigarettes ko chod ne ki koshish kar rahe hai, usne decide kiye hai aaj saari uski mehnat ko paani pe daalne ka” Why should I let it go? It’s my right to know that why my boyfriend, who for 2 years has been trying to quit cigarettes, decided today was the day to let all his hard work go. Kartik replied defiantly, knowing it will annoy Aman but better annoyed than shut down. Aman looked up at Kartik, pausing for a moment to consider him, then sighing and saying, “Phone aaya tha, Rajni ki shaadi te ho gayi hai.” They called, Rajni’s wedding is final
“That’s good news, isn’t it?” Kartik replied softly, holding his hand out to softly touch Aman’s arms. Aman leaned into his touch, much to Kartik’s relief. “I can’t do this anymore.” Aman said, barely above a whisper. “Kya bola” What did you say Kartik asked, eyes looking at his lover’s face, urging him to meet his eyes. Aman complied, looking into Kartik’s eyes and repeating “I can’t do this anymore.” A smile broke out on Kartik’s face as he stepped closer and placed a loud kiss on Aman’s cheek, “Aw, is my baby breaking up with me?”
“Shut up yaar, mein kuch serious baat kar raha hu” Shut up, I am having a serious talk right now Aman swatted Kartik’s hand away annoyed. Kartik moved past Aman and settled on the couch, taking Aman’s coffee cup from the table on the way. “Okay, main serious hu. This is what I know so far – teri behen ki shaadi hone waali hain par tu 5 baje se uth kar chain smoking kar raha hai aur senti break-up one-liners de raha hai. Clearly, I am missing some important link on what’s going on in your head” Okay, I am serious. This is what I know so far – your sister is going to get married but you have been up since 5am chain smoking and delivering sentimental break-up one-liners. Clearly, I am missing some important link on what’s going in your head.
“Chain smoking is an exaggeration. Ek aadhi hi pi thi.” Chain smoking is an exaggeration, smoked just one Aman mumbled as he settled down besides Kartik on the couch. Aman took a deep breath and looked at Kartik’s expectant eyes and said “What I meant was that, I am not going to the wedding. I can’t go there anymore and pretend all the damn time. Wapis ma shaadi ke liye force karegi, wapis papa chachu sabke samne pura mard bane ki acting karni padegi, wapis tujhse 10 din baat nahi hogi.” What I meant was that, I am not going to the wedding. I can’t go there anymore and pretend all the damn time. Again mum will force about me getting married, again I will have to act in front of dad, uncle, everybody to be a full man, again I won’t get to talk to you for 10 days.
Kartik took a sip of the coffee, taking time before replying, “Pehla, mardana mard to tu pura hi hai, proof hain mera paas. Aur it’s Rajni, tu bhai hain uska, you have to be there for her big day” Firstly, a manly man that you completely are, I have proof. Second, it’s Rajni, you are her brother, you have to be there for her big day. Aman looked at Kartik, moving into his open arms to cuddle into the strong chest, “But..” Aman shuddered out a breath “But I can’t, it hurts, bahut dard hota hai.” But I can’t it hurts; it hurts a lot. They stayed like that for a few moments, in the silence, with Kartik’s arms strong around Aman making small circles on his back hoping to take the pain away.
“Why can’t they,” Aman started again, “Natak kyu karna zaruri hai, kyu main tujhe sabse mila nahi sakta, bata nahi sakta ke hum kitna pyaar karta hai, ke tu mere kitna khayal rakhta hai. Main janta hu they would love you, mujse bhi zyaada but you are man and I am man so we have to pretend. Sari zingadi, sirf natak.” Why is lying necessary, why can’t I introduce you to everybody, tell them how much we love each other, how much you take care of me. I know they [family] would love you, even more than me. But you are man and so am I, so we must pretend. Our entire lives, only pretend and lie.
“Tell them,” Kartik said, surprising even himself “Bata de, pere baap unpadh lohar tha par tere to scientist hai, padhe likhe hai – shayad maan jaye.” Tell them, my father was an uneducated blacksmith but yours is a scientist, is educated – maybe he’ll agree. Aman pulled his head out from Kartik’s chest, both looking at each other, neither believing the other was seriously considering this. Aman broke the silence with, “We can’t right, we can’t. Mar dale ge, you’re putting too much stock in education. He is still a Tripathi, naam nahi kharab karne dege” We can’t right, we can’t. He’ll kill us, you’re putting too much stock in education. He is still a Tripathi, won’t let me tarnish the family name.
“Maybe. Ya unhe shock lagega, shayad gussa bhi aayega par phir wo samaj jaye. Shayad wo samaj jaye ke tumhara parivar ke rishte nahi badlege sirf isliye ke tumhe mard pasand hai – bahot sexy mard, I must say.” Maybe. Or maybe they’ll be shocked first, maybe even angry but then they’ll understand. They’ll understand that your relationship with your family won’t change just because you like men – very sexy men, I must say. Kartik finished with a small smile. Aman gave a snort in return and looked at Kartik lovingly, taking in the messed up state of his boyfriend’s hair, the brown eyes that crinkle with every expression, the nose ring the damn nose ring , the smile that never failed to calm Aman down.
Aman said, “Marne aaye to?” What if they come to kill?
Kartik’s smile widened as he puffed his chest out while posing as a superhero, and said, “Unhe is lohar ke bete ke par jaana padege tujhe aaj bhi pahuchane ke sochne ke liye.” They’ll have to go to through this blacksmith’s son before even thinking about hurting you. Aman replied, “I won’t let anybody hurt you again,” before leaning in to kiss his boyfriend, his lover, his life-partner.
“Allahabad jalte hai, tujhe tere sasural walo se milate hai.” Let’s go to Allahabad, make you meet your in-laws.