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James wanted to pull his hair, but that was something gentlemen just didn't do, really. Not even when their annoying, messy and self-centered lodgers left yet another trail of clutter throughout the house. There were days when James wished he'd never placed an advertisement for a lodger, even though he really needed one in order to maintain his budget for upcoming years. He had a lifestyle to which he was quite accustomed and he did not wish to fall below that level, but times like these, when he was stood in the doorway to his cavernous kitchen and looking at two piles -- one of post, for which there were appropriate slots for the both of them by the front door, and one that consisted of a matchbook open to display a telephone number scratched on it, a condom and some string. Really? String? -- that were taking up space on his previously pristine worktops, he wondered how bad prison might be. Surely not as horrifying as living with Richard Hammond, divorced father of two and perhaps the most irritating, most thoughtless, most handsome man James May had met in recent memory. Not that he liked to admit the handsome part - Hammond certainly knew that he was handsome (witness the matchbook) - but the truth was that he found his eyes drawn to Hammond whenever they were in the same place. He didn't think Hammond was aware of it, Hammond didn't notice much, really, so he didn't bother to stop. Besides, he just liked looking at the toned body, the tight arse. Right. That's enough of that, May. Remember that you're annoyed right now, not turned on. He heard the garage entry to the kitchen open and Hammond came into the kitchen, wearing running shorts and nothing else. James stared. Hammond had a great body but there wasn't usually this much of it on display.
"Er..."
"May! I didn't realize you'd be back before late tonight." Hammond grinned at him as he crossed to the refrigerator where he pulled out a water bottle and began drinking. He nearly emptied it, James watching every movement of his throat, before he lowered it and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Warm today."
"Yes," James managed.
"So did you catch an early flight or did I just have the dates wrong?"
"I...yes, I caught an earlier flight. Er, Hammond," James began, deliberately placing his hand between the two piles.
"Yeah, mate?" Richard looked at him, eyebrow raised.
"Listen, I don't mean to be overly pedantic, but do you remember that I asked you before to pick up after yourself?" To make sure Hammond got his point, James tapped his fingers on the post pile.
"Overly pedantic? You? Surely not!"
James straightened. "Are you--"
Richard put his hands out in a placating gesture. "Sorry, I'll--I don't have pockets at the moment, but once I've changed, I'll come back and get this..." he trailed off, flushing, as he realized, what, exactly, was lying on the counter. "Oh. Right. I'll just take that now and come back for the post." He grabbed the matchbook, condom, and string and hurried past James. James, who watched the retreat with humour until he realized that he was getting hard from repeated viewings of Hammond's very toned thighs. Once he heard Hammond's tread on the stairs, he put both hands on the work top and hung his head, sighing heavily. Something was going to have to give.
***
Richard made a concerted effort for just over a week. Then, it being Richard, keeping up with James' stringent measures started slipping his mind again. James still wasn't sure if Hammond was really that oblivious or if this was an elaborate wind-up. It could be either, really, although James was leaning toward oblivious. From the day he'd breezed through James' door thirty minutes late for his interview and had seemed to expect a wide grin was all he needed to smooth it all over, James had questioned Hammond's ability to see beyond himself. He'd certainly never seen any evidence to the contrary. James still mentally kicked himself for being taken in by a grin and a laugh - especially when the laugh was as annoying as Hammond's - when he could have chosen one of the older and more staid gentlemen who had answered his advertisement. Never mind that he had an appreciative eye for good looking blokes.
***
James arrived home after a crap day only to be greeted by the sight of Hammond's jacket draped over the back of one of the chairs and papers spread all over the lounge. His fingers tightened on his bag and he stalked toward the kitchen, sure he would find Richard in there - probably in the middle of another mess - but stopped when he heard Hammond's voice.
"Right, I know that, but I can't do it this weekend, Mindy. You know I have a set schedule for when I can have the girls and it can't...No, I get that, I do, it's just...All right. No, I think you should go, absolutely. I'll-I'll work something out on this side...No, I'll let you know the details, but go ahead and plan on it happening. Yeah. Speak soon, then."
James could hear the frustrated sigh that accompanied the smack of Hammond's mobile hitting the counter and turned back down the hall to the front room. Obviously Hammond hadn't just left his things spread out for no reason. Still, though, James was not going to hang up the man's jacket. He had just removed his own coat and was hanging it on the coat rack not ten feet from the chair where Richard's had been tossed, when Richard came back into the room.
"Hello James."
"Richard." Hammond looked tired and James wondered what exactly was going on that had him looking like that.
"Listen, mate, I'm sorry for the mess in here. I've been working on a project and I needed more room than I had at my desk upstairs. I'd hoped to be done by the time you got home, but it just didn't happen."
"I was in the mood to play for a bit tonight anyway." James hated that he had just baldly lied and he hated even more that he felt a flutter in his belly when Richard offered him a relieved smile.
***
"I'm sorry, you want to what?"
Richard shrugged helplessly. "If there was any other way..."
"Can you not go somewhere with them? A trip or...? I don't...I'm not very comfortable around children, Hammond."
"I have this project that I need to work on, that's the whole problem. I've been living here for five months now and you've yet to see them, because I knew from the beginning that they weren't also signed on as lodgers. I understand that, but I did say in the interview that sometimes schedules might conflict and that it was a possibility--"
"You said a slim chance," James accused. Children in his house? Hammond's children in his house? Would the place ever recover?
"And this is that slim chance," Richard said, his voice rising in anger. "Look, I really am sorry to inconvenience you but let me tell you something, James - I love my daughters and I get them so infrequently because of my schedule on top of theirs. I understand that isn't really your concern, but you need to cut me a fucking break here. It isn't as though I ask for special dispensation every other weekend."
They stood, staring at each other, neither willing to back down until James realized that Hammond's anger was mixed with fear. He didn't know why there was fear, but it made the difference to him. He sighed heavily and looked away from that emotional gaze. "Just keep them out of my hair." When he chanced another look at Hammond, there was a slight smile curling his lips, the beginnings of those lovely dimples showing. "And don't make a comment on my hair," he said gruffly as he turned and left the room.
Richard's low chuckle followed him down the hall.
***
James was tense before he even got into the house. How was he going to survive the next few days? Surely agreeing to have two children aged eight and five in his space was going to turn him mental. He imagined that there were already messes everywhere inside - children always came with messes, didn't they? He could hear high-pitched giggling through the door, and briefly considered going away for the weekend, but that would mean he'd been chased from his own home and he couldn't have that. Control yourself, May. How hard can it be? His hands curled into fists and he took several deep breaths to calm himself before opening the door and stepping inside.
He realized they were in the kitchen - probably eating, he thought after a glance at his watch - and took his bag upstairs to his room before going in to face the Hammonds.