Work Text:
-
august 12th, 2017
the first time lucas lets haechan slip through his arms, haechan is literally, in his arms.
Wong Yukhei would be lying if he said he didn't have an infatuation with Haechan at that point. After he watched him from afar since he joined SM a year ago, Yukhei had followed every one of his schedules and made sure he was eating well. Yukhei would pretend to not be tired and stayed up until the dreamies had returned at 11 pm, only to leave for his own practice in a few hours. Haechan was beautiful. His brown hair curled up at the ends, which resulted in a soft and fluffy nest on the top of his head that bounced up and down when he danced. He had wide, eager eyes that reminded his fans of a pudu, and his lips would turn into a small pout when he was upset. His skin was dipped in sunshine and lined with moles resembling constellations. He was kind enough to let Yukhei crash in his room when Yukhei had first moved in and gave him a sweet goodbye hug when Yukhei’s bed in the trainee room was set up after three days. Since then, Yukhei had pined silently to himself hoping the crush would dissolve on its own.
Haechan was crying. Hot and wet tears have stained his sweet red cheeks by the time he hastily swung open the bathroom door, not expecting to see Yukhei washing his hands quietly. They made eye contact for about two full seconds before Haechan couldn’t hold in another whimper. Yukhei only began to raise his arm before Haechan fell into his chest. When Haechan fell he managed to tug on Yukhei’ heartstrings. Is this real? Yukhei had asked himself. Just as Yukhei was moving on from the schoolgirl pining, Haechan crashed and burned into his heart.
“Haechan-ssi, what happen?” Yukhei gave his best attempt to communicate with the younger. Lee Haechan, the cool and confident dongsaeng, who yukhei aspired to be, was sobbing into his arms on a Tuesday afternoon. Haechan sobs louder, wetting Yukhei’ shirt in the crook of his neck, where Haechan nuzzled a little further and tightened his grip onto Yukhei’ torso. Yukhei wrapped one hand around his waist, the other carded through his hair hesitantly, allowing for a few pats here and there.
“Mark hyung is mean sometimes.” Is what Haechan meant to say. What he actually ended up saying was “Mark hyung and I had a fight and I tried to apologize but he is really upset at me and he called me a bitch and other things too but it really hurt” All in one breath, muffled by Yukhei’s shirt. Yukhei missed everything except for “Mark hyung” and “fight.” he pulled Haechan closer and let out a sigh, his heart hadn’t stopped beating out of his chest, and he was afraid it was going to beat so hard Haechan would be injured if he didn’t let go of Yukhei soon.
“It will be okay. he didn’t mean it.” Yukhei figured Mark Lee didn't mean it, because no one could call this tiny baby hiccuping in his arms a bitch and mean it. Haechan had stopped crying, perhaps realizing this was Yukhei, and not Renjun or Jeno who he tended to cry to over Mark Lee. He pulled away from Yukhei’s figure and laughed to himself as he wiped at his cheeks in a desperate attempt to look presentable to Yukhei. In turn, it made Yukhei laugh, because he had just seen all the gross tears and sobs, and the proof was on his sweater.
“I'm a mess, sorry to bother you.” His voice wasn’t somber, he laughed at himself. “Thanks for giving me a hug” Haechan splashed water on his face and turned to face Yukhei, who had been watching him through the mirror.
“It’s okay to cry.” Yukhei had heard this line several times from various dramas and songs, but when it came out of his mouth it was far cringier than he expected it to sound. Haechan scrunches his nose as if he had tasted milk a bit too sour. He let out his signature laugh with raised eyebrows, and Yukhei couldn’t help but to be proud of making him smile.
“I can’t believe you just said that, what are they even teaching trainees these days?” They both giggled at each other until it died out, and Haechan apologized again for disturbing him. Yukhei could see all of his teeth when he grinned, but his eyes weighed down his words. “I'm fine now” He argued when Yukhei frowned at how Haechan attempted to walk away from their conversation. “No need to worry!” Haechan had a heavy heart inside his chest, and it pulled his shoulders downwards too. Yukhei watched his slouched back leave the small room, with somber eyes and an unconvincing smile. Yukhei was satisfied, Haechan had come to him in a time of need, and although it was a mistake, Haechan smiled and laughed with him. Yukhei noticed his heart begin to open, making adjustments and room for the tiny boy to nestle his way into a resident spot in his mind. He heard Haechan open Mark Lee’s door and close it behind him.
If Yukhei had a time machine he wouldn’t have said Mark didn’t mean it, because he probably did. He would’ve comforted Haechan more, perhaps with cuddles, ice cream and a nap. He would’ve told Haechan he’s worth more than a man who calls him a bitch. But he didn’t, Yukhei hugged Haechan and told him to go back to Mark Lee.
-
december 5th, 2017
the second time lucas lets haechan slip through his arms, they’re older.
After a quick briefing, Taeyong and Hyunjoon distributed lunch meals, Lucas held onto his takeout dish and looked around the dance studio. Some dreamies sat in the corner being the loudest group in the room, Jisung with his nose stuffed into his phone sitting slightly further from them. Ten, Jaehyun, Johnny, Taeil, and Doyoung sat on the bench along the wall on the opposite side of the room, Doyoung waved Jungwoo over to his side. Perhaps Lucas was just standing motionless for a second too long, or it was destiny giving them a second chance. Haechan walked straight into his back, causing him to spill his dish all over the ground.
“Heol, Lucas I'm so sorry! Are you okay? I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to, I wasn’t looking where I was going!” Haechan apologized profusely, reaching for the napkins that came with his take out box and the trashcan. Lucas thought he looked kind of cute like this, no makeup, flustered and talking out his ass. Haechan began picking up the fallen food and threw it in the trash, still mumbling about his clumsiness.
“It’s really no problem, Lucas can take mine, I just ate before I got here” Mark had walked in right as the box had fallen to the ground. Mark was always on time, even though he was late to practice, he was on time for Haechan. They were soulmates for a reason. Lucas watches Mark stride over to him and Haechan who were crouching on the ground, as if he was an angel, coming down to charm Lucas into letting Haechan fall harder.
“That’s perfect! Thanks so much Mark hyung you’re the best” Haechan smiled widely at mark, showing all his teeth. He faced Lucas with the same smile, holding out Mark’s meal. “You can have this one!” Haechan shoved the meal into Lucas’ hands without letting him retaliate. Lucas thanked him quietly and continued to pick at the fallen grains of rice. Haechan finished cleaning up the meal and Mark called over Haechan to take a seat next to him.
if Lucas had a time machine, he would’ve rejected the meal, he wouldn’t have let Mark Lee save the day. But he didn’t, Lucas was drunk on Haechan’s smile, he took the meal and sat quietly next to Park Jisung. If Lucas glanced at Haechan while he sat with mark a few more times than considered normal, Park Jisung didn’t say anything. If Lucas had a time machine, he would’ve straightened up and sat next to Haechan, between him and Mark Lee.
-
march 12th, 2018
the third time lucas lets haechan slip through his arms, the street lights of seoul are laughing at him.
They were celebrating boss promotions ending, and Mark invited Haechan to come along. Lucas didn’t feel well inside the restaurant, he began to excuse himself to get fresh air when Haechan offered to walk with him to the nearest pyeonuijeom, claiming he needed to buy contact solution.
They walked side by side, Seoul street lights line up along the sidewalk, seeming to stretch on forever. Haechan was bundled up in a dark blue parka with the hood up so that the faux fur framed his crimson cheeks. Lucas’s heart swelled at the thought of being able to hold his cheeks and give his nose a quick peck. he would hold Haechan’s hand tightly and stuff both of their hands into his padded coat pocket. Something about the silence of a Seoul street was mocking to Lucas. Haechan, a known busybody, and Lucas, the man with the loudest voice on their team of 18, were silent, watching the glowing streetlights pass behind them as they continued their walk, side by side, but not touching each other. They came across a tech store, with various sets of couple cases.
“Haechan-ah don’t you and Mark hyung have galaxy phones? you should get some!” Lucas hoped to break the silence casually, but Haechan’s smile faltered a bit.
“Hyung doesn’t like that sort of thing…” Haechan eyed a pink case with a bright and happy yellow Pikachu on it. he pressed his nose close enough to the glass so that he was not touching it, but left a foggy print from his breath. God, Lucas would have given anything to wipe away that pout. What kind of cruel man was Mark Lee, making Haechan pout like this, at the mere thought of him? Lucas felt his heart begin to sink at the idea of what could Mark Lee have said to this never-ending ray of sunshine to make him frown. He was too afraid of pushing the fragile boy any further and dropped the subject.
“Oh … Sorry.” He noticed that bringing up Mark Lee had struck a chord in Haechan, one that left him sour and sulking. Lucas took the next step along the sidewalk, and Haechan walked next to him, but now he left a larger gap between them. A gap that would have been awkward if they had been holding hands like in his dreams.
If Lucas had a time machine, he would’ve asked the clerk if there were couple cases for an apple and a galaxy phone, so that Haechan and Lucas could match instead. If Lucas had a time machine, he would’ve held Haechan’s hand tightly on the way to the pyeonuijeom. But he didn’t. Instead, Lucas frowned and watched Haechan sulk and dance around the thought of Mark Lee instead.
-
august 20th, 2018
the fourth time lucas let haechan slip through his arms, mark lee has nothing to do with it.
Haechan poked at his food, pushing around a few bits of egg and swallows about one full bite of the fried rice (spread over the four total times he has raised his fork to his mouth) and claimed he was full. Mark Lee had not noticed, instead he nodded his head and asks Haechan who is doing the dishes today.
“Jisung.” Haechan pushed the plate away from him, pulling out his phone instead. Lucas stared as Haechan pouts at the full meal on his plate for a second, before standing and excusing himself from the table. Lucas was not stupid, he knew that Haechan was a punching bag for hate comments. Haechan retreated into his room with a slouched back. Lucas quickly finished his food, and grabs Haechan’s dish, following the path to Haechan’s room. No one says anything, but Jungwoo raises an eyebrow as Lucas nearly tripped over his feet to follow behind Haechan.
“Haechan-ah, you barely ate, do you feel okay?” Lucas placed the plate on his desk in case he decided to change his mind and take a few more bites, and then squished his body into the bottom bunk where Haechan was burrowed into his phone under a pile of soft pink blankets. He sat on the edge, near where Haechan’s legs would be if he was laying normally, but Haechan was curled with his knees to his chest, similar to a fetal position. All Lucas could see were the familiar sweet chocolate curls peeking out and the glow of his phone lighting up the duvet near his covered face. Lucas pulled down the sheet two inches, revealing his widened eyes. It’s not the time for Lucas to fall in love, but he does anyways. It’s domestic. He feels like he’s on a roller coaster, heartbeats increasing so fast he was not sure if it was beating at all. Lord help me he looks so cute.
“Thanks Xuxi hyung, but can you leave me alone?” The nickname tugged at his heart. Haechan pulled the blankets back up, retreating all the way under the duvet, only the glow of the iPhone revealing there was a body under the pile at all. “I feel like shit.” Lucas knew he was not sick, its not that type of shit. Lucas didn’t understand how a beauty such as his ray of sunshine could feel like shit.
“Can you talk to me about it?” He watched his brown hair nestle further into the pillow and blanket before a voice came out from under it.
“No.” His voice was extremely muffled. “I just want to cry.”
“Please don’t cry. I hate seeing you cry. Can you come out so I can tell you you’re perfect to your face?” It was supposed to be a joke of sorts, but when it came out, it sounded too romantic instead.
“No.” Lucas knew that Haechan was pouting, he could see it in his mind. “Also that’s too cheesy, I wouldn’t do it anyways”
“I thought you liked cheesy.” This time, it was supposed to be a flirty line, but Lucas sounded more surprised than intended. His voice had betrayed every word he had said to Haechan so far, nothing was going right for Lucas.
“Why do you even care? It's not like we have any more schedules together, I’m not going to weigh you down at all. Just leave Xuxi, I want to be alone.” Haechan knew what he was doing, using that name to push him away instead of pulling him closer. Two can play this game, Lucas noted to himself.
“I can’t do that.” In a bold spur of the moment confidence, Lucas pulled down the duvet all the way down to his waist, and revealed a pouty, curled up Haechan with a dimly lit phone in his hands. “Seeing you cry weighs me down more than you think, Duckie.” His hand rested on the thick blanket but slightly above Haechan’s hip.
“Everyone here pushes me away but the one time I want to be alone. Why can’t you just ignore me like you always do?” It was true, Lucas was guilty of avoiding Haechan when possible, afraid of making a fool of himself. Lucas wasn’t someone who could keep secrets, especially from a devilish Haechan with puppy eyes. It was a surprise that he hadn’t confessed his undying love for Haechan yet, although he has gotten very close when they have conversations like this.
“Because I care about you, Haechan!” He regretted the words as they came out, aware that this was the exact reason Lucas didn’t attempt to get closer to Haechan. It could be seen as a confession, and Lucas winced when they lock eyes, his arm still resting on the blanket above his hip.
“Then stop caring.” His voice broke. Lucas looked up and Haechan was crying, tears melting into the pillow below his ear. “Please, I just want to be alone.”
If Lucas had a time machine, he would’ve pulled the blankets over them both. He would’ve wrapped Lee Haechan up tight in a blanket burrito, and littered kisses all around the top of his head. If Lucas had a time machine, he wouldn’t have let Haechan fall asleep on an empty stomach that day. But he didn’t have a time machine, and Haechan cried in his room for the rest of the night.
-
december 16th, 2018
the fifth time lucas lets haechan slip through his arms, the future is closer than it’s ever been before.
“Is it true? Are you really going to debut, hyung?” Haechan opened the door to Lucas’ room hastily, wobbling slightly due to the newly formed cast on his leg. “Are you really preparing for the China unit? That’s amazing!” Lucas looked up from his Korean homework, and immediately rose to offer a hand to Haechan.
“Yeah it’s true!” Lucas led Haechan over to his bed, letting him take a seat on the mattress first and pulling over the chair so he can rest his leg up higher. “Are you comfortable?” Haechan waved away the question, he was far too excited about WayV than to talk about his injury anymore.
“This is so exciting I can’t believe you’re making your official debut in a fixed unit!” Lucas smiled down at Haechan. Though he could be snarky, seeing him like this, Lucas couldn’t help but see the pure innocence in his glittering eyes. He held back the urge to pinch his cheeks and peck his nose quickly, instead he messed with his own hair obsessively. “Are you going to live there too? Are you moving out, hyung?” Lucas laughed at how high his voice reached when he was excited. He was going to miss Haechan. so much, more than he could even imagine. But this might be the last time he will see Haechan’s sweet smile for a long time.
“Yeah, actually…” It’s now or never, Lucas told himself. “I wanted to tell you something” Lucas felt a tightness in his chest. Haechan smiled brightly up to Lucas. If Lucas could hold onto this moment forever he would, anticipation began to build and his chest was pulled tighter than before.
“What is it, hyung?” Lucas couldn’t hold in his grin, they’re beaming at each other. Lee Haechan was happy. He hadn’t been happy in a long time, courtesy of Mark Lee and that stupid leg cast. If Lucas messed this up, he would never forgive himself. But if he didn’t say anything, he would regret it more. Lucas sat next to him on the mattress, looking straight forward into the blank wall. He felt Haechan’s eyes studying his face intently, but he was too afraid to look back at him. “I think I like you, Duckie.” Lucas looked at his hands. “More than I should. and I just wanted you to know before I left. I know you like Mark. I’m okay with that.” There was a beat of silence while Haechan and Lucas were both looking at their own hands, and the tightness in Lucas’ chest pulled even harder.
“I’m sorry, hyung-” Haechan started.
“Don’t apologize. I know you don’t like me back. But, this might be the last time we are alone together, so I had to say it.” Haechan was quiet, Lucas knew he didn’t reciprocate feelings for him, but a small part of him wished Haechan would’ve fallen into his arms like he did a year and a half ago, mumbling his confession too. “I- I can leave, if you want.” He didn’t know why he suggests leaving his own room, he just didn’t want to bother Haechan any further, or make him move while his leg was injured. Lucas rose to his feet hastily.
“Wait-” Haechan’s voice was weak, almost breaking. His left arm reached out for the space surrounding Lucas’ hand, but it didn’t make contact yet, too afraid of what lucas could say in response. “Stay? Please.” He looked miserable, and perhaps it was the depression of the injury that pushed Haechan to give Lucas a chance. So Lucas closed the space between their hands, letting sparks ignite in his chest. He pulled himself into the small twin size bed, letting out a breath he didn't know he was holding in. “If this is the last time we are alone together, let’s be alone together.” The sparks in his chest pulled so tight that they have engulfed in flames. Haechan settles into Lucas’s hold on his waist, burrowing his nest of hair into the crook of Lucas’ neck.
-
march 17th, 2020
Lucas studies the golden boy, the wind beginning to pick up along the waterfront of Han river. They both sit cross-legged on the bank of the water. They sit quietly, it’s been over one year since they’ve seen each other, Haechan looks the same as he last remembered, soft and sweet with a brown mop resting on the top of his head. His eyes remain full of mischief and innocence when they look back at Lucas. Lucas hasn’t aged, yet he looks older, more confident and mature. If you were to look at the two from afar, you would be shocked to know they are only half a year apart in age. Lucas follows Haechan’s eye line directly into the rushing river. The water runs calmly, uniformly as if it has somewhere to be but is not rushing to get there. A few ripples begin to appear on the surface of the water, reflecting a distorted version of the bridge that reaches over it.
“Do you ever wonder if like, you just jumped?” Lucas hesitated for a second, wondering if he understood the Korean correctly. “Not that I want to like... kill myself, I just wonder what would happen sometimes.” He wasn’t solemn, his voice was confident, and full of genuine curiosity. He waited patiently for an answer.
“Of course I do, I think everyone does,” Lucas replies slowly, also turning to follow the rushing water. The water splashes, reflecting the sun’s rays and almost blinding Lucas and he squints. It’s scalding outside, the only sense of comfort coming from the harsh breeze of the waterfront that cools Lucas’ forehead and preventing him from sweating through his t-shirt. Haechan simply nods at the response. “I think it’s just cause we care about ourselves too much. We want to know if other people care about us that much too.” Haechan breaks into a smile with that comment. Lucas can’t hold back his smile too when Haechan looks at him with eyes as big as the sun.
“I asked Mark hyung that question today.” Haechan turns back to face his feet and Lucas nods, prompting him to continue the story. “He said he doesn’t.” Haechan picks at one blade of grass beneath their sneakers. “He doesn't think about what people would say.” Lucas watches Haechan’s fingers tie the blade into a little knot, and then picking a new blade.“I think he just replied quickly because he wanted to get rid of me, he seemed busy. He’s always busy. I feel like I see his back more than I see his face, it’s ridiculous.” Haechan ties two knots into the second blade of grass this time. “Am I really so annoying to him that he can’t even look at me when we talk?” Haechan knows that Lucas will reassure him, he knows that Lucas would never roll his eyes at him the way Mark Lee would. Haechan has seen the way Lucas looks at him, he knows that Lucas still loves him, and yet, he can’t love him back.
“You’re not annoying at all,” Lucas reassures him. “He’s just stuck in his head these days, with 127 and SuperM…” He doesn’t know why he’s defending Mark Lee, it’s not like Haechan would have second thoughts about him now that he’s this deep in love with him, and it’s not like he wanted Haechan to love Mark anyways. Not when Lucas was this deep in love with Haechan. Perhaps he defends Mark Lee in the hopes that Haechan can find happiness with someone, even if it has to be that asshole.
“And yet you have WayV and SuperM too” There’s a beat of silence between them when a speed boat crosses through the river. “But you found time for me.” Haechan drops the third blade of grass that has three knots in it. They both turn and watch the boat all the way down into the clearing until the sound of the engine has faded out into the distance. Haechan turns to face Lucas who still studies the speed boat’s ripples in the water. His nose is upturned, and his eyebrows furrowed and eyes squinted. He has sunglasses perched on top of his head but he seems to have forgotten. Suddenly Haechan smiles to himself, letting out an exhale that could be mistaken for a slight laugh.
“What is it?”
“Do you think that we could’ve been a thing?” Haechan confesses. Lucas hears his heart beat, and if he wasn’t sweating before, He is now. “I mean like, if you had confessed earlier,” Lucas is the one to pick up a blade of grass and tie knots this time. “I think I could’ve fallen in love with you. I think I still can.” Lucas is silent, tying knots into the blades of grass. Lucas smiles at the irony.
“I think” Lucas looks to Haechan, his curious deer eyes still haven't changed one bit. “You didn’t fall in love with me because I didn’t let you.”
"Would you let me if I asked?"
-