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The loud music felt like the eye of a tornado, somehow. Have you seen those crazy videos, with water on people’s cameras, cars flying in the air, people whispering a panicked ‘this is it’? Blindness, panic and somehow everything about it is still beautiful? I guess it’s a dramatic way of putting it, but sometimes it kind of felt like that. Being in love with your best friend, that is. It’s being in blind panic, being confronted with it all day.
The club wasn’t even playing music I enjoyed all that much. They were playing a weird combination of good rock classics (that, I could appreciate) and weird pop-songs to twerk to (maybe I’d be able to listen to those after a few shots.)
To anyone, I must’ve looked lonely. A young guy coming to a club alone, looking sad as hell, ordering shots. It wasn’t about being lonely. It was about not being with him, right now. About getting away from those piercing blue eyes and bright smiles.
‘Can I get two Tequila shots?’ The bartender glanced up at me for a second, and then went to grab his bottles without sparing me another glance. I put the money on the bar, he placed the shots on the bar in return. He gave me a quick nod; thank god it wasn’t the bartender who wanted to flirt with me tonight.
It wasn’t that I wanted other people to flirt with me.. it was the fact that I wanted to forget Naruto’s friendly touches. His soft words, all the times he had asked ‘are you okay?’ this week. What could I tell him? ‘ Fuck you, Naruto, of course I’m not. I want you to fuck me over that damn kitchen table you used to bake pies for your ex-girlfriends-’ Ha. I guess not, even if it was sometimes at the tip of my tongue. I couldn't say the truth. Not that the answer I did give– ‘It’s none of your business, Naruto.’ – worked very well for me. I should have expected the fight that came with it. Just like I should have expected his messages saying he wanted to see me, that came later on.
‘I’m going to meet with some friends,’ I had lied.
I took my first shot, threw it into my throat, and let the second one follow soon after. Somewhere beside me I heard a laugh. ‘You put back shots like you were born to do so.’ I looked up to see a guy who was quite broadly built. Dark brown hair and eyes that were slightly lighter. Not really my type, but I guessed that no one here would ever be that. He came closer to me, and placed his mouth next to my ear. ‘Can I get you something?’
‘More of the same.’ I mumbled.
He grinned. ‘You want two again?’
‘Sure.’ It wasn’t my money to spend. I looked at the guy as he took my drinks, making sure he didn’t slip me anything, and then took the shots from his hands.
‘No “thank you”?’
I rolled my eyes. ‘Don’t get ahead of yourself.’
The music did grow on me once I’d had a few more drinks, luckily. I started dancing in the middle of the room. That felt good. I felt like I was slowly disappearing the the crowd. No one knew me here, everyone wanted to touch me.
I liked that feeling; sweaty, buzzed, unknown.
The guy who bought me drinks stayed at the bar, I could feel him watching me. I didn’t really give a fuck anymore. What fucking song was even playing. I don’t know fucking know. I just danced slowly. It was hot as hell. Slowly I could feel some guys getting closer than before. Good. When I felt people push against me, their warm skin against mine, I could only imagine that it was Naruto’s skin that hit me. I closed my eyes to get rid of that. The world was turning.. Good. That was good.
Someone pulled my arm a little. ‘Sasuke!’ That voice was familiar, somehow. I couldn’t quite place it.
I opened my eyes for a second. Ino. Of course Ino. She was probably a regular at clubs like this. I could feel how sloppy I was looking at her. I wondered if she’d notice. ‘Hi.’ Was that a normal greeting? Probably.. right?
‘Are you okay?’
‘Dancing.’
She nodded slowly. ‘Are you with someone?’
‘No. Don’t want to.’
‘Are you-’
‘M’fine, leave me.’
She breathed in sharply. ‘Alright.. Enjoy your night, Sasuke.’
I turned away from her, lost myself in the crowd. I could feel her looking at me another time, I ignored her. Danced, closed my eyes again. I traveled my hands through my hair. My breath short. I pulled on my collar while dancing. That’s when I bumped against someone.
Better not fucking be Ino, I thought. But, not really to my surprise, it was the guy from the bar. He was holding out beer to me. I smirked.
A stupid fucking guy like that.
I took it from his hands and kept on dancing. He pulled me in a little closer. It got warmer. Fucking hell, this guy was sweating too much. Maybe he really had the hots.
But it was distraction. He was good for that and I was– spinning.
He moved his chest against mine, came closer quicker than I could imagine.
Dancing to forget.
Dancing to forget those goddamn blue eyes.
Those smiled, those laughs, those grins. Forgetting how fucking painful it is to love someone who’s as straight as they come.
A hand grabbed my ass. I was late at noticing it. I glared up at the guy dancing against me, his arms were wrapped around me, he moved his hips against me. Who the hell did he think he was? Still. Still.. I felt so mushy. It was probably the alcohol doing it’s damn job.
Which it was supposed to do.
I was here to get shitfaced not to.. worry about my ass.
The guy grabbed my neck, pulled me in closer. His fingers were digging into my skin.
That was- I don’t know if that's what I wanted but he– he managed to do it anyway. My head was spinning with something that was definitely not love, and I could feel his breath on my skin, on my lips and then –
Someone pulled me back by my arm, roughly, and stood in front of me. Like a shield.
Before I could even progress what the hell was happening the guy who had tried to kiss me had a fist to his face and..
Naruto was standing in front of me.
He was holding the guy’s collar with one hand, the entire body language telling the other guy to stay the fuck away.. from me. The guy grabbed his own jaw, looking absolutely shocked.
Fuck.
Fuck me. So much for forgetting him, for being in the eye of the storm. ‘What the fuck is your problem?!’ Naruto yelled at the guy.
‘What the hell is your problem?’ the dude replied. I lingered behind Naruto, not getting what the hell was happening. Everything was going so fast. Everything was spinning. I–
‘Can’t you see he’s too fucking drunk you asshole? What the hell are you planning?’ Naruto pushed the guy away, taking my wrist in his hand tightly. ‘Stay the fuck away from him. I’ll fuck you up!’
All around us people were looking at us. I swallowed hard. I could only look at Naruto. Naruto who was possessed by so much fucking anger right now.. just because I was trying to hook up with someone.
I had to stop my fucking stomach from fluttering; that anger could be dissapointment in me as well.
Naruto turned to me. ‘Sasuke, let’s go outside.’
‘I-’ I felt dizzy. Naruto held me up.
The guy pulled me back by my other wrist. ‘You have a fucking boyfriend, asshole?’
‘No,’ I said.
Naruto glanced at me, surprised that I was saying something. I guess that was right; I hadn’t said a goddamn thing. The only thing I could do was.. deny that Naruto was with me.
‘I’d say you owe me some dri-’ Naruto was back in his face in no time. He grabbed his shirt again. Fuck.. even I was fearing for this guy’s face. Naruto could fight. When he was really angry he could.. when he actually snapped.. Naruto could be scary as hell.
‘He doesn’t owe you shit.’ Naruto hissed. ‘You either take this outside with me or you fuck off.’
‘Naruto-’ I mumbled. I had never seen a man turn quicker. ‘Leave it.’
Naruto swallowed. The guy pulled back too. I was fucking thankful that Naruto wasn’t that drunk yet, he seemed perfectly capable of thinking clear. He’d have rebuilt this man’s entire face if he had been. That’s why I couldn’t get why- why he had still gotten so mad for my sake.
I looked at the ground, Naruto pulled me outside by my wrist. The fresh air was breathing life into me. I breathed in deeply. For the first time that night I felt like I could properly open my eyes – and Naruto was staring straight into them.
Fuck.
‘How are you feeling?’
I swallowed. ‘Like shit.’
‘Do you need to throw up?’
‘No.’ He took my hand. I held it, closed my eyes. Everything was really starting to backfire now, hm.
I breathed in.
Out.
Closed my eyes again.
‘Why didn’t you punch that asshole?’ I couldn’t answer that. I just – ‘Sasuke? Are you with me?’
‘Yeah.. I hear you.’ Breathing in. Out. In. Out. Trying to keep my eyes open. Naruto. Naruto – holyshit. ‘I- I initiated it.’
Naruto stared at me, wide eyes. ‘What?! Why?’
‘None of your fucking business.’
I thought Naruto would start looking less worried once I got my bite back, but he didn’t. He stared at me like I was crumbling in his hands.
Some fucking best friend I am.
‘What the hell do you mean, Sasuke? What do you mean you–’
‘It’s none of your fucking business, Naruto! What the hell, you think you can just come in and fight with every fucking guy I pay attention to?! Who are you? My fucking boyfriend? Don’t pretend you fucki–’ Fuck– I bowed forward. My stomach turned. I grabbed onto Naruto’s shirt just to keep myself on my feet.
My puke didn’t come.
It might as well have, I was feeling sick with myself.
I was disgusting.
Naruto was still holding onto me. Like.. like I was precious and breakable. ‘What do you mean? What are you trying to say?’ He sounded soft.
I looked up again, breathing in. ‘What are you doing here?’ I asked.
‘I’m just.. when you said you’d be hanging out with Suigetsu, I told Ino I’d come with them. Where is Suigetsu? Why didn’t he do some–’
‘He’s not here.’
Naruto stopped in his tracks. Studied me carefully.
He seemed ready to get mad again when Sakura and Ino came running outside. A bottle of water in their hands. ‘Naruto!’ they yelled. I didn’t want to hear his name. I didn’t want him to see me like this. ‘We got some water. How is he?’
Naruto turned to them. He said a very soft: ‘Thanks.’
He sounded so confused.. so sad. That was on me. Fuck, it really was.
‘Uhm, guys. I’m leaving.’
‘Good.’ I mumbled hoarsely.
‘You’re coming with me, asshole.’ Naruto said. There was no bite in his voice. He was still holding me up, even after everything I’d said to him. He was being careful with me. That hurt more than any fight could have done.
Sakura held out the water bottle to me. ‘Drink some of this first.’
I did. I didn’t want to. I wanted to stay drunk so that I never had to deal with any of this fucking mess. I swallowed heavily. When I pulled back half of the bottle was empty. Naruto whispered a soft ‘Good..’
He was sending shivers down my spine.
‘Let’s go, Sasuke.’
I pushed my face against his chest. I wanted nothing more than to cry against him. ‘Fuck– Naruto,’ I whined.
‘You’re okay. I’m taking you home.’
The walk home sobered me up a little bit, at least. I don’t know if I was happy about that. Naruto was talking but I don’t exactly know what he was saying; he was doing everything to stay away from real talk. When we got to his small apartment he sat me down on his couch, took a blanket from his bed, and put it on top of me. I couldn’t help but feel at home, like I always did when I was here. Always. He had let me stay over when I was fighting with my parents, when I was lonely or sad as hell. I couldn’t help it.
Naruto got me a glass of water, and himself some cola, then he sat down on the couch.
‘Ehm– how are you feeling?’ He asked.
‘Again: like shit.’
Naruto put his legs on the couch, his feet underneath the blanket. So much for keeping his distance from the gay guy, hm. ‘Do you want to talk about it?’
‘There is nothing going on.’
Naruto shifted nervously, he seemed to be thinking. I could almost see his brain work.‘Why did you lie about going to hang with Suigetsu?’ Ah, so he was thinking about how to start.
No use in lying even more. I had fucked with his trust enough. ‘Because I wanted to get away from you all.’ From you. Mainly from you.
‘From me too?’ For fucks sake.
‘Yes, Naruto, from you.’ Fuck– I was definetly still drunk.
Maybe that was for the best. Naruto sat a little closer, instead of further away. He was looking down at his hands, blonde locks in front of his eyes slightly. ‘Why?’
‘Wasn’t it obvious, Naruto? To get laid. Or something like that at least.’
‘Oh– fuck. You– but with that guy?’
I glared at him. Naruto’s big shocked eyes were staring right back at me. I could almost see his heart beating. I could feel mine do the same. ‘He was disgusting.’
‘Oh– okay.. That’s good.’ He played with his own fingers. I thought about how he had used those hands to punch that fucker away from me. The thought got caught in my throat. ‘But you are.. gay?’
I closed my eyes. ‘What the fuck is it to you?’
‘I’m your best friend.’
I snorted, pushed the sheets off me. I had to go somewhere. Anywhere. As long as it was away from Naruto saying– ‘I knew you’d fucking say that.’
‘What’s wrong with that?’
‘I’m gay, Naruto!’
Naruto pulled me back by my wrist, stared at me. I almost fell on top of his coffee table. Fuck. I hated this. The floor felt like an ocean. ‘I know that now! But why–’ He seemed to think. Maybe something in his mind finally clicked.
And then, it was as if the ‘Oh’ was written all over his face. Over his body.
‘Do you get it now? Stay away from me.’
‘Why would I do that?’
I turned to him quicker than I had imagined I could. I took his collar in my first. ‘What the fuck is your problem? Stay away from me, Naruto. I swear to god, you keep fucking with my mind.’
‘Talk to me then!’
‘No.’
‘Be honest with me. If you’re too drunk now, be honest with me tomorrow. Just–’
‘What the fuck do you want me to say?! Naruto, by best friend, I’m gay! I’m trying to get laid so that I don’t think about sucking your dick every five seconds?! Hm, is that what you–’ fuck.
Fuck. Fuck. Holyfucking shit. That was not what I– I shouldn’t have–
‘What?’
‘Leave.’
‘No. Sasuke.’
‘Fuck off, Naruto.’
‘No. Sasuke, do you.. eh- like me?’
‘No.’
‘You don’t?’
‘Fuck, Naruto. Don’t make this harder than it needs to be.’ Naruto reached out, took my wrist and hand in his just so that I couldn’t run. Like I could still fucking do that.
This idiot was crazy, still getting closer to me.
Touching me.
‘It matters to me,’ Naruto said softly.
‘It doesn’t.’
‘Yes. Yes it doen.’
‘ Because we’re best friends.’ I mimicked him.
‘No. Sasuke. I care.’
‘Fuck off.’
‘We could try it.’
My mind rushed to a halt. Naruto was smiling softly. ‘We could what ?’
‘Try this thing? You know.. falling in love.’
I laughed without any humour in it. ‘Too late for trying.’ It was out before I knew it and it– Huh– it made Naruto smile bright as hell. I looked at my feet as quickly as I could. ‘Fuck you,’ I whispered.
‘Not yet..’ Naruto replied.
I felt all my blood rush up to my face. My eyes snapped to his. He suddenly seemed so fucking calm. He was grinning, and then he was laughing.
He sat back on the couch, and finally he let go of me. ‘Holyshit-’ he chuckled.
‘Is this so fucking funny to you?’
‘No I’m.. relieved.’
I sat down next to him again.‘ What ?’ He confused me. That wasn’t anything new. He’d always been.. a mysterious ball of light to me. Someone who understood me, no matter what happened. Or tried, at least. Someone who’d do fucking anything for me.
I didn’t know why I thought he’d back away, for even a second.
I couldn’t think of a single time Naruto had backed away from any challenge.
My head felt like exploding.
The alcohol, emotions, probably both.
Naruto’s grin… definitely. ‘I was so afraid that we.. we were growing apart. That you finally realised that I’m annoying and that you’re too cool for me. I trust you but you’ve been pushing me away so fucking much. Sasuke– you’ve basically ignored me for weeks now.’ He glanced up at me. There were sparks in his eyes. ‘I thought you hated me, Sasuke. This is like.. the opposite of the worst case scenario.’
I swallowed. ‘Do you even get what I’m saying, Naruto? I’m saying I’d suck your dick.’
He blushed, but still grinned. ‘That’s, that’s something to get used to.’
‘Something to get used to?’
‘I guess! Yeah. That’s fine. We’ll see what to do with that.’
‘You’re insane.’ My voice was almost gone. He was making me lose my shit.
‘I mean, I don’t know. I’d rather have you thinking about me than some ugly motherfucker who’d grab your ass.’
I smirked. ‘I never said you’re not ugly.’
Naruto’s mouth opened comically wide. ‘You said you’d suck my dick!’
I rolled my eyes. ‘Doesn’t mean you’re cute.’
‘Fuck off, Sasuke. You think I’m cute. Whatever.’ He pulled on the sheets, and then threw them back on top of me. He moved closer to me, laid down against me.
My head was so heavy. ‘What are you doing?’
‘Cuddling. You should go to sleep.’
‘No.’
‘Let me.’
I closed my eyes, put my head on his shoulder anyway. I’d always been a stupid fool for him. ‘You’re so careless.. Naruto. Cruel.’
It hurted. It hurted so bad. Even if it was more than I had ever expected from him, he’d be my fucking end.
‘What do you–’
I hid my face in his clothes, in the sheets. ‘Why would you get my hopes up?’ My voice was so soft that even I could barely make out what I was saying anymore. ‘You’re so cruel.. making promises.. breaking my heart–’
Naruto grabbed my chin, so that I couldn’t hide my face anymore. I felt like I was crumbling in his hands. Naruto moved closer to me, until he was giving me the softest kiss I could possibly imagine. It was only a slight touch of our lips. And it was everything. He caressed my cheek, and then my ear, softly.
When he pulled back he was staring into my eyes, holding my gaze.
‘Shut up. Let me try to make you happy,’ he whispered.
I bit my lip and closed my eyes again. I couldn’t cry, not now.
‘Don’t force yourself–’
Naruto kissed the top of my head. ‘Let me try.’
I breathed in sharply. I didn’t even want to think about what would happen if he failen. But if he meant that.. If he really did.
‘Don’t think now,’ Naruto mumbled. ‘Tomorrow. Give me a chance tomorrow, when you’re sober.’
I hadn’t expected myself to, but slowly I nodded.
Tomorrow I’d be sober.
I’d be able to tell him no. No this will never work.
For now I could enjoy this.
‘Kiss me again,’ I whispered.
Naruto put his arms around my waste, pulled me in a little closer, and pushed his lips on mine. Like that, on the couch, he kissed my drunk mind to sleep.
The first thing I felt was my enormous fucking headache. My head felt like no weightlifter could possibly hold it. The second thing though, was that Naruto had held me all night. He was barely laying on the couch anymore. His feet dangling off the couch.
Anxiety hit my chest like a train.
Naruto.. sleeping next to me. That meant that yesterday had actually happened. I had confessed my fucking guts out (and almost puked them out in the progress) and Naruto had told me that he was willing to try.
Willing to try, with me.
I shifted slightly, Naruto woke up from that. He opened his eyes like they were heavy as well. Then he looked at me and smiled softly. ‘Good morning.’ He pulled up the blanket a little higher, trying to keep me from the cold. ‘Sleep well?’
‘Hn.’
Naruto nodded, nuzzled his face against my chest. He was making me go insane. The idiot. He was making these butterflies get rabies. ‘Still in love with me?’
‘I-’ What. ‘I- eh- yeah?’ Naruto hummed softly, caressed my hair. He was smiling cheekily. ‘You dick.’ I mumbled, still I didn’t move away.
‘Just wanted to be sure. How’s your head?’
‘Feeling like I was hit by a train.’
Naruto sniggered. ‘I can imagine.’
‘How’s your hand?’ I asked jokingly.
Naruto snorted. ‘Feeling like I hit a man.’
‘I can imagine.’
Naruto slid away from me. It was suddenly so cold without him. ‘Coffee?’ He asked. I missed him. I fucking missed him next to me.
‘Hn..’ I looked at him walking towards the kitchen. He seemed cheerful enough. That was good to know. I wasn’t like him though. I couldn’t easily forget all that I had said. All my words rushed through my mind. All the damn insults i had thrown at him.
Naruto I’m gay. I’m trying to get laid so that I don’t think about sucking your dick every five second. Pain shot through my forehead. I held my head.
‘You need some painkiller with that?’ Naruto asked worried, but cheerful.
I slowly nodded. Who are you? My fucking boyfriend? Just breathing in. Breathing out. It’s doable. Breathing in, and out. ‘Sasuke are you o-’
‘If you want to forget what happened yesterday, I’d really appreciate it.’
Naruto was holding the first cup of coffee. He stopped in the middle of the room, stared at me. ‘What part?’ he asked.
‘Everything.’
Naruto walked towards me, put the coffee in front of me. ‘I- but I kissed you.’
I stared at him. ‘That’s why.’ I answered.
‘And you’re expecting me to forget that?’
I sat up, more pain in my head. Great. ‘Yes.’
‘Sasuke.. is that really your choice, though? Is that what you want? I-’
‘Yes.’ No. Don’t believe a word I say. I’m a liar. You know me better.
‘You unfair asshole.’ Naruto swallowed. ‘You can’t just make me want to hold you and then suddenly back ou–’ That was it. I pulled on Naruto’s neck as hard as I could. When he fell on the couch I crashed my fucking lips against his. Our noses bumped against each other roughly. I could feel his teeth against mine, that was fine, he deepened the kiss right away. He climbed on top of me like the energetic idiot he was, pulled my hair a little.
He had me so breathless.
And another wave of pain shot through me. I pulled back. ‘Fuck.’ I whispered.
‘Eh-’
‘Hangover..’ I mumbled.
Naruto grinned at me, beautifully. ‘Right. No kissing the sick boy.’
I kicked him off me, hard. He was laughing.
Somehow that.. that had me believing this could actually work.
The fact that he was acting exactly the same he always had. That.
‘You need magical forehead kisses?’ He made a kissy mouth.
I rolled my eyes, hurting even more in the progress. ‘I need painkillers.’
‘Or both?’
I smirked, put a hand in front of my eyes. He was too fucking bright for this shitty morning. ‘Maybe both.’