Chapter Text
In six out of seven days in a week, Jaehyun at seven a.m. would normally be stretching out his arms to reach his phone on the bedside table to turn the annoyingly loud alarm off. He’d sit up straight, rub his eyes for a good two minutes and stare into nothingness the next before he snaps out of it and finally gets up to start his day. At seven twenty five, you would find him clearing up the dishes he used for breakfast (toast plus whatever bread spread he has lying around and a cup of coffee with milk or a nice hot earl grey) so he’d make it in time for his seven thirty shower. It takes Jaehyun more or less twenty minutes to clean himself up (sometimes he takes an extra five when he’s feeling a little cold and the warm shower just feels to good on his skin), then five minutes to dress up with his ready-since-the-night-before two-piece suit. Around eight ten, one would find Jaehyun downstairs in the parking area, entering his black Lexus GS 350 in hopes that the traffic is just as usual so he’d make it in time for his eight hour job as an assistant director in one of the finest marketing companies in the city. Jaehyun arrives home around eight, usually, eleven when one of his friends or colleagues invites him for a drink or two, and presses his passcode 032114, just as he would everyday. He enters, puts this bag away, takes a quick shower, readies his clothes for the next morning, and heads to bed, tired and worn out.
The schedule helps, Jaehyun believes. For six out of seven days, he has a routine to fall back on. He’s normally a really busy person, as the place he works at requires a lot of hands-on work from Jaehyun and his team. The schedule helps, Jaehyun knows this, because with the daily routine he had set for himself, there wouldn’t be an opportunity for him to find a time where he’d had nothing to do. Jaehyun likes being busy—he likes his mind occupied with work, with the current events, maybe even office gossip, because when he is busy, his mind doesn’t go blank; his mind doesn’t wander off. And Jaehyun hates it when his mind wanders during these six days,
Because Jaehyun has that set for Sundays.
In one out of seven days a week, at seven a.m., no one finds Jaehyun stretching out to shut his alarm off. No one finds him carefully spreading butter around his toast or sipping his semi-sweet coffee on his too-big-for-one-person table. No one finds him putting on his dark maroon suit or impatiently searching for spare black socks because he’d forgotten to put a pair out the night before. No one finds him clicking his car keys, nor his car on the same road he takes every single day to work. It’s the only day he asks for himself; no work, no one calls him up for a cup of something, no one asks him where he is because everyone around Jaehyun knows where he is on Sundays.
He wakes up around ten, usually, twelve whenever he drinks on Saturday nights. The first thing he does, though, is not to rub his eyes nor stare into the void to adjust from slumber, but to look over his right; a neatly made right side of the bed, a single pink round pillow on top of two soft white rectangular ones. The blanket on that side is usually tucked in neatly, save for some days where Jaehyun tends to pull it closer because it gets too cold for him to bear. It’s automatic, he thinks, how his eyes glance to the empty side of his bed every Sunday morning. It’s been two years since there’d been someone who laid there anyway.
On Sundays, it’s not the strongly scented arabica coffee he bought from the farmer’s market nor the tea bags he had imported from England that wafts through the apartment air, it’s the rich scent of Swiss Miss hot chocolate with the extra marshmallows on top, paired with a nice warm bagel he’s heated.
On Sundays, he doesn’t bother with a suit. Of course, nothing’s sillier than wearing a nicely ironed suit around the apartment without going out. He has a nice matching set of pajamas on instead, with different little animals printed on them. (If you ask, his favorite’s the kitten set.) Sometimes, Jaehyun’s just lounging around the living room, catching up on the current on-going series he’s watching, or just binging on some old dramas saved on his hard drive. Sometimes, he’s seated in front of the piano, lazily but elegantly playing renditions of his favorite songs. Often times whenever he plays the instrument, he has his phone record a video of him playing and when he’s done, he sends it to a number all too familiar to Jaehyun, yet hasn’t rang him in quite some time. Sometimes, he finds himself recreating simple meals and desserts he finds on Youtube—Jaehyun’s quite proud that he makes a mean beef lasagna and a dark chocolate lava cake. He thinks these Sundays spent for cooking are going to be useful someday.
Few of these Sundays, Jaehyun sleeps contentedly; ready for work the following day, smiling to himself before he goes to sleep because he knows he spent his day well.
Most Sundays, however, Jaehyun finds himself holding the round pink pillow close to his chest, sobbing a name that is ever so rarely mentioned to him.
“Taeyong.”
The pink pillow still smells of lavender to Jaehyun, just like it always did years ago. He holds it tighter even if the faintest of scent pains him, he holds it tighter because it’s one of the few things that’s left of Taeyong in Jaehyun’s life.
In these nights, Jaehyun is reminded of how things were before Taeyong left.
He’d be awakened by small kisses peppered around his face, left none other by the person who likes to sleep on the right side of the bed. Jaehyun would take a peek, fluttering his one eye open to look at Taeyong who’s already smiling at him.
“Good morning.” Taeyong greets him, leaving one last kiss on Jaehyun’s nose. “Breakfast?”
Jaehyun pulls him in closer to him, burying Taeyong’s face on his chest. “Five minutes, babe.”
Taeyong looks up to see Jaehyun’s eyes closed again, trying to catch up on sleep. He smiles at this sight, contented he’s in Jaehyun’s arms, inhaling every bit of Jaehyun’s scent. He is warm. Jaehyun is warm. Taeyong sighs in content, not noticing how he too drifts back to sleep.
The second time Jaehyun wakes during those days, he inhales the aroma of chocolate in the air. He doesn’t bother to look at the other side of the bed, knowing fully well it’s empty, and rushes to the kitchen where he finds his purple mug filled with tiny marshmallows on top of hot cocoa. An arm would always snake around his waist, followed by a kiss on his cheek as Taeyong sets his own mug down and sits on the chair. Jaehyun would always take the seat next to the other, bodies too close to properly enjoy their hot drink yet it never really bothered them anyway. It’s more comfortable like this, in fact. Sometimes, they’d have something to talk about like one of Taeyong’s classmates in post-grad had embarrassed himself during class, or how Jaehyun’s superiors used to always look down on him when he was just starting then.
“No coffee?” Jaehyun pouts cutely but knows very well why Taeyong had cocoa prepared instead of his usual morning drink.
“Take a caffeine break, Hyunnie.” Taeyong places a hand over Jaehyun’s cheek and pinches it. “Too much caffeine, not good.”
Jaehyun picks his mug and takes a sip, then places it down before smiling mischievously to himself. He glances over at Taeyong who’s busy scrolling through his phone, leaving his drink untouched, picks Taeyong’s blue mug up, and takes a sip from Taeyong’s. “How come this tastes better?”
Taeyong spares him a look and his eyes widen at Jaehyun drinking from his. “Hey! That’s mine!”
He chuckles at the sight of his boyfriend holding his mug, keeping it away from Jaehyun’s reach. “You said you didn’t like it too sweet that’s why I put two sachets in mine.”
“Two? Lee Taeyong, watch your sugar intake.” He only gets Taeyong pulling his tongue out to tease him before the latter stands up and walks towards the fridge.
“Let me guess, bagels again?”
“Hey! You like these! You always say they’re bland yet when I reheat them, you’re the one who finishes them all. Plus, the auntie who sells them gave me an extra yesterday because she said I looked cute.”
“Hm, she has good eyesight, then.” Jaehyun grins at his boyfriend cheekily as he watches Taeyong’s face turn to a shade of pink.
What they do after breakfast is decided upon their mood for the entire day. Sometimes, Taeyong asks him to come along to buy some supplies, sometimes they’d head to the theater to watch whatever’s on for the week. Most days, though, they’re just lazily hanging out in the comfort of their apartment, usually wrapped around each other cuddling, making out, anything that requires their bodies to be no more than an inch apart.
“Friends?” Jaehyun asks Taeyong as he flips through the choices in Netflix.
Taeyong pauses for a while, grabbing a grape from the bowl on Jaehyun’s lap before nodding in agreement. “Season six, Jae.”
Jaehyun presses play before putting the remote down, placing his now free hand on Taeyong’s hair and combs through it.
“You okay, love?” Jaehyun asks a few episodes in.
Taeyong takes his hand and intertwines it with his. “I love you.”
Something’s not right, but Jaehyun decides to give Taeyong time. He’ll come around, he always does. Taeyong just needs more space to think about whatever’s bothering him alone.
Jaehyun pulls Taeyong’s hand closer to his lips and kisses his knuckles softly, gently reminding him, “I love you, too.”
Other days, especially when Taeyong has a new song stuck on his mind, Jaehyun would be sitting on his piano chair, pressing keys to play the tune of Taeyong’s current obsession with a petite figure draping his arms around his waist, inserting himself on the small space left beside Jaehyun as the he listens to him play.
Sometimes, Jaehyun would sing, too.
“Who knows how long I’ve loved you
You know I love you still
Will I wait a lonely lifetime
If you want me to, I will.”
Taeyong places his chin on Jaehyun’s shoulder, taking in Jaehyun’s baritone voice singing beautifully for him.
“Love you forever and forever
Love you with all my heart
Love you whenever we’re together
Love you when we’re apart.”
Taeyong giggles at that line, “Really?”
Jaehyun stops playing and shuts the piano close, temporarily removing Taeyong’s embrace from him and pulls Taeyong up, only to pull him down to his lap and circles his arms around the latter instead. Jaehyun starts to sing again, only this time, slower yet it seemed like every word that comes out from his mouth weighs more meaning.
“Love you forever and forever,” Jaehyun kisses Taeyong’s forehead lightly.
“Love you with all my heart,” then his lips find Taeyong’s cheek.
“Love you whenever we’re together,” Taeyong’s nose blush from Jaehyun’s kiss.
“Love you when we’re apart,” before they finally find their way on Taeyong’s own.
It was perfect. They were perfect. Of course they were, six years into a relationship makes them grow together. From subtle flirting around their friends, to finally asking each other out (they did it at the same time, actually, everyone around them thought it was both hilarious and disgustingly cute), to moving in together, to planning their future and reaching their dreams with each other one by one, Jaehyun thought he and Taeyong were finally on their way to their own happy ending: one that didn’t need fancy, grand gestures and over-the-top dates, one that just needed the two of them completely contented with each other, having to come home to one another at the end of every day.
They were perfect. Everything was perfect, Jaehyun had thought.
Until it was not.
It didn’t even happen gradually. No, Jaehyun would have seen it coming, he would have been prepared—no, he wouldn’t even have it happen. Jaehyun just came home one Saturday night, pressing the code 032114 to unlock the door, only to find Taeyong waiting for him standing in the living room, his two red luggages beside him, and his passport on his right hand with a ticket in between the pages.
He felt his whole world collapse at the sight.
Maybe he’s just going for a vacation? Visit his parents? Going away for research?
He’s trying to stay positive. God knows Jaehyun’s just trying to hold himself together even if his entire body is close to fainting because Taeyong has his things packed for some fucking reason he doesn’t know about and his boyfriend’s close to breaking down as well like Jaehyun.
“Yong? Love, what…why are you all packed? Are we going somewhere?” He stutters as he tries to keep himself calm, wanting to get answers from Taeyong.
“Jaehyun…”
“Let me—let me pack up, too, hm? How long are we going away? I think I can manage to ask my boss for a break, I’ve been doing good at work so far. Are we going to be away for some time? Work from home is possible, give me a minute, alright? I can fix this.” Jaehyun takes his phone out with shaky hands, dialing his boss’s work number after hours and he knows he’s going to get hell because of this but it’s fine, Taeyong’s waiting for him. This is for Taeyong.
“Jae,” Taeyong pushes Jaehyun’s hands down, stopping him from pressing call. “Jaehyun, I’m sorry.”
“Love,” Jaehyun’s hands takes Taeyong’s on his own and holds them tight, afraid one slip would mean Taeyong leaving him alone. “Love, don’t. Please don’t leave me alone.”
Taeyong tries to take his hands away yet Jaehyun doesn’t let go. He keeps finding Taeyong’s fingers and laces it with his as he would whenever he feels scared and alone. “I’m sorry, I have to leave you.”
Jaehyun looks down, not wanting to see Taeyong because he knows once he does, all of his defenses will fall, leaving him weak and so, so easy for Taeyong to walk away from. “When will you be back?”
“I don’t know.” He hears him answer.
“Can’t I come?” He asks, hopeful.
Taeyong answers him with silence that doesn’t comfort him in any way.
“What if you need someone to cook for you when you get hungry? Or someone to massage your shoulders whenever you get exhausted? Yong, who’s gonna sing you to sleep whenever you have a hard time at night? Taeyong, I’m here.” His voice cracks at the last part, “I’m here.”
“I’m sorry.”
Jaehyun pushes his last luck, hoping that even if Taeyong leaves tonight, he would stay, they would stay together.
“We’re still…” Jaehyun clears his throat up, finding the right words to say so Taeyong won’t get overwhelmed. “We’re still together, right? We can make this work, right Yong?”
And when Jaehyun finally decides to look at Taeyong, it had been the worst decision he made that night.
Taeyong was crying, tears were falling uncontrollably from his eyes yet he still hasn’t buried his face on Jaehyun’s chest. Why isn’t he finding comfort in Jaehyun’s warmth? Why is he crying so hard yet doesn’t even bother to bask himself in the most comforting place he’s found in his entire life?
Taeyong shakes his head, unable to look at Jaehyun in the eye.
“I love you, I’m sorry.”
It takes Jaehyun a good minute before asking for a reason. Why Taeyong has to leave, why Jaehyun can’t go with him
Why they can’t stay together.
“I don’t know when I’ll be back, I don’t want you to wait. It’s unfair, Jaehyun. I don’t want you to keep hoping for me to come back to you. I don’t want to keep you locked to me. It’s unfair.”
Jaehyun doesn’t understand.
“If you find happiness, take it. If you find love, embrace it.” Was all Taeyong had said before he places one last kiss on Jaehyun’s lips. Jaehyun can feel the tears from Taeyong’s cheek; if it hurts to leave him, why is Taeyong choosing to do it in the first place?
He could only watch Taeyong open their front door, taking his bags with him.
He could only watch the person he loves more than anyone he’s ever met walk out of his life without knowing if he’d even come back.
He could only watch Taeyong leave him alone with no promises, nothing to hold on to.
“What if I still want to wait for you?” He asks for the last time.
“Don’t change the passcode.”
Jaehyun spends the first of many Sundays alone the morning after, password still unchanged two years after.
It’s eleven p.m. on a Sunday, yet Jaehyun can’t bring himself to fall asleep. He thinks of Taeyong, wondering how he’s doing, wondering if he’s eating well, wondering if he’s happy.
He doesn’t know where he is, where he’s gone to because if Taeyong would have wanted Jaehyun to know that, he wouldn’t have broken things off with him before he left.
He thinks of Taeyong and it hurts. Maybe he’s happy, he’s dating, maybe even married, and that’s okay, Jaehyun thinks. Coming by the truth years after he left would hurt, he knows it would, and maybe it would hurt for a long time. But Jaehyun just wishes he’s happy, even if it’s without him, not because of him, as long as Taeyong’s happy now.
He holds Taeyong’s pink pillow closer, inhales of whatever traces of Taeyong are left in the pillow he’s kept beside him every night, just like every night he misses him so much it begins to feel unbearable. He knows the tears are coming again, and they’re probably going to keep falling until his head begins to throb, until he falls asleep, nothing out of the usual.
Except Jaehyun hears the sound of the passcode on the front door being punched in.
0-3-2-1-1-4
Each number had different pitches when entered, Jaehyun knows that all too well. He’s been hearing that sound everyday.
You’re hearing things.
Has he gone crazy? Jaehyun thinks he’s gone crazy. The thought of having imagined the sound from the door pains him more his heart starts to clench. He sobs through Taeyong’s pillow, back against Taeyong’s side of the bed, scared that he’d find it alone again once he looks over.
Come back to me, Taeyong.
Jaehyun feels the bed dip on the right side. He holds his breath in.
Then, arms embrace his waist and Jaehyun feels the other’s forehead on his back.
Jaehyun sighs in relief.
And as if it’s as if he never left, Jaehyun puts the pink pillow on its usual place and turns around and there right in front of him, lying down beside him, is the only person he’s ever loved, back in his arms.
Jaehyun looks at Taeyong and sees he’s changed his hair color (gray suits him), his jaw has gotten more defined (he hasn’t been eating well, Jaehyun’s sure of this), his eyes look tired (oh, his hardworking Taeyong), but his smile is the same, the same smile Taeyong gave him after a long day at work when they’re finally in each other’s arms again.
“You haven’t changed the passcode.” Taeyong shyly comments.
“I was waiting for you.”
They’ll talk tomorrow, Jaehyun can take the day off.
For now, Taeyong’s back in his arms, and something in him’s sure this time, he’s never leaving again.